Always To Blame, Always My Fault

A case study on the negative person who makes you feel like you're always to blame and it's always your fault

by Catherine Pratt
www.Life-With-Confidence.com

For this case study on negative people, let’s talk about the negative person who makes you feel like you're always to blame, it's always your fault and nothing you do is ever right.

Most likely after many of your encounters with this person, you end up feeling guilty, upset, emotionally drained and confused. You may even feel like you're completely useless or incompetent.

The most difficult times to deal with this type of negative person is when they're in the role of your boss, your parent, or your significant other.

This type of person isn't always easy to identify at first. For ease of reading this article, I'm going to use "he" throughout but a blamer can be male or female. The blamer can be very charming and likeable yet also have this darker side. When you're dealing with the darker side, it will feel like the rug is always being pulled out from under you and nothing you do is ever right, or you get blamed for his mistakes or his deceptions. Trying to be rational with him doesn't work. Trying to get him to see how hurt you feel by what he's doing doesn't work. In fact, these two tactics will make it much, much worse.

So, what should we call this particular type of negative person? I tend to call them blamers because they always blame someone else for anything and everything. They are never the one at fault. This is one of the main clues to identifying this type of personality. They always blame everyone else but themselves when things go wrong.

They are extreme blamers though in that this blaming aspect is a main part of their personality. They're not someone who just occasionally blames others when they get frustrated.

You'll sometimes hear what I call "blamers" also being referred to as "narcissists" by psychologists. When I first heard this description of them, I didn't associate it with the type of personality I was constantly encountering. I thought of narcissists as meaning people who are basically in love with themselves, only talk about themselves, and don't care about anyone else. But, this is only one very specific type of narcissist. There are many different layers and levels to narcissists and you'll find that they can come across as very caring towards others in certain situations, seem charming and interested in you when you first meet, talk about other people and just do not seem to match the most well known description of a narcissist. They can come across as truly nice people in the beginning, and it's not until later that you suddenly realize you feel like you're trapped in a nightmare and also that you're now very much involved even though you may not want to be.

Whether they're called blamers or narcissists, I think this is one of the most destructive types of negative people you can ever deal with. They can have an extremely negative effect on your thinking and your own behavior. They can actually cause such intense anguish and distress, it will last a lifetime until you gain the awareness that it wasn't you, it was the situation that you were (or are currently) in.

If you've been a victim of this type of negative person, you may feel like there is something wrong with you and that if only you were better, or smarter, or nicer, or more competent at your job, or just did the right things for once then the situation would be better between you and the negative person. You end up feeling like it's all your fault which can end up causing depression, self loathing, or other self destructive tendencies.

It's a very different reaction from the view point of the narcissist (or blamer), as he really doesn't see anything wrong with what he does. The fact that you the victim are so upset or feel terrible about things, is simply due to his believing you're wrong and he's right. He also thinks it's his duty or that he's "helping" by putting others down, telling them what they're doing wrong, or blaming them for things. He often doesn't respect other people's boundaries (walks in without knocking, borrows your stuff, takes credit for your work). In his eyes, he can do no wrong. He also likes to be admired or envied.

Defending yourself from this type of person will only make the situation much worse and you'll end up being attacked even more. If you point out how you're innocent and didn't do anything wrong or that he's really to blame then an explosion of anger will most likely occur. Then the tables will be quickly turned on you and the blamer will make it appear that everything is entirely your fault. He's innocent and you're the evil one.

You'll also find that he expects you to do things "exactly" as he would do it. This is because he doesn't see you as a separate person. You are a reflection on him. Nothing you do is ever right though and he'll constantly criticize you and belittle you. Micromanaging is something he loves to do as well.

A clue that you're dealing with this type of personality is that he tends to show different sides of his behavior to different people. For example, one child may be treated differently than the others. In the situation of a blamer boss, he'll be very nice to his superiors or certain colleagues yet absolute "HELL" to work for. He can also be very hot and cold in his relationships in that one moment everything is fine and then the next he's intensely angry at you. This is one of the reasons it can cause such mental distress for the victim. Other people don't understand what it's like because they can't always see what's really going on. The blamer will be highly admired by some as they never see this dark side of his behavior.

On the flip side, he's very sensitive to any perceived criticism from others and may even start to attack or say he's been deeply hurt even when no true criticism has been said.

With some blamers, they are deceptive and manipulative all the time. Their philosophy tends to be “attack others before they attack me” which means that if they’ve made a mistake they tend to blame others or start to attack others before they can be caught. Often, they see nothing wrong with lying and will lie even if there's no need to. Another interesting characteristic they tend to have is that they tend to project any of their own wrong doings on to someone else.

The biggest clue of all that you may be dealing with a narcissist is actually how it makes you feel. If you feel distressed, anxious, guilty, like you're incompetent after dealing with him, then this is a good sign you may be dealing with a narcissist. Also, if you find that you tend to block out all emotions when dealing with other people and feel like there's always a wall between you and others, this could be a sign. Or you may find that you empathize way too much with others and this might be another clue. Coping with a narcissist will have led you to have developed certain survival skills which could have led you to a very skewed view of the world and how to deal with it. So, relationships may feel tricky and confusing for you. You may find that you constantly feel angry and hurt all at the same time. Different people respond differently to the narcissists but these are some of the more common effects.

The strategies you've probably learned along the way on how to deal with "normal" people will not work with this type of negative person. You're dealing with a different mentality and you'll need very different strategies for this specific type of person.

There's a fascinating documentary called, "I, Pyschopath" which demonstrates how these people are very different from the "average" person. In this documentary, one of the tests they perform is a brain scan on the narcissist and it's very clear that his brain does not function the same as a non-narcissist. This interview with a narcissist also shows that they do choose their victims and they're very calculating as to what they're trying to achieve when bullying for example. If you'd like to watch this documentary, I found a copy available to watch here:
I, Psychopath

But, if any of this sounds familiar with what you're dealing with then you may want to learn more and find some solutions that actually work and provide you with some relief.

It's a powerful moment when your perspective suddenly changes. You can see that what you've believed in the past hasn't been true at all. You've just been manipulated by blamers / narcissists to believe certain things and if you watch the documentary I mentioned, even the experts say that they still get taken and conned by them. So, it's not that something is wrong with you. It's that you need to understand this personality type you're dealing with and learn new strategies and techniques specific to working with them. And, that's something you can definitely do. You can take effective action to gain the understanding you need and by doing that, you take back your life and your sanity.

Help Is Available

I think this is such an important issue to discuss as the impact on it's victims is so destructive and can last a lifetime unless dealt with properly. It's so important that I've written a detailed report on how to deal with this type of personality. It's 80 pages long so way too much information to put up as a web page.

Here you'll find over 50 signs or characteristics of a blamer clearly laid out so you know what to look for. This will also help you to become aware of how they may be affecting you and manipulating you without you realizing it.

This information can be truly beneficial when you've been thinking that there's something wrong with you. You'll now be able to see it's not you, it's the other person and the reaction they cause within you. It's the relationship that's wrong, not you.

I also provide detailed suggestions and examples on how to deal with blamers. I even have 25 tips on how to avoid confrontations with the blamer. This is information you just won't find anywhere else.

In this report you'll also find information on:

1. how the blamer's mind works and the best way to deal with it (blamers have a completely different perspective on the world than the rest of us do)
2. how to avoid feeling hurt or guilty by the blamer's comments
3. how to be more tolerant of a blamer's behavior
4. how to improve your self confidence and be much more accepting of yourself
5. how to let go of your desire to change the blamer or have him finally understand you
6. how to be more satisfied with yourself and others by letting go of your expectations
7. how to have meaningful and satisfying long-term relationships with others
8. how to free yourself from the emotional attachment to a blamer so you can finally live your life to its full potential

Basically, you'll learn how to get along reasonably well with the blamer and avoid the ugly confrontations that otherwise seem to happen way too often. You'll also be able to free yourself from the mental anguish he used to cause in you.

The other really great benefit of discovering this information is that relationships that previously might have seemed hopeless can suddenly become manageable simply by understanding what’s really happening behind the scenes.

Here's the Table of Contents so you can see exactly what you'll find inside this detailed report.

Please Note: This book is NOT for you if:
If you’re in the phase where you’re still dealing with intense anger at the narcissist and what you see as him doing to you, this is not the book for you. When you’re in that phase you’re looking for someone to agree with you on how it’s all the blamer’s fault and that they need to be one to change. You feel you’re the victim, you want to be hear that yes, blamers are evil, horrible people and you want to know how to make them change. I know exactly what it's like. I've been there. But, Sorry, this book is not for you.

This book is for when you’re ready to be open to seeing a new perspective. It's a hard thing to realize that the only way a narcissist can have power over you is if you let him have it and that’s what this book is about. Changing yourself so that you completely change the relationship with the narcissist. When you change you no longer come across as a victim which is why the blamer chose you in the past. You need to be ready to completely break free of the victim mindset. This book will help you to see how it all worked, how you’ve been playing into the games, and what you can do to effectively deal with the situation. It’s about taking back your own personal power. It’s not about blaming people for your ruined life.

So, you may not be ready for the information contained in this book yet and that’s okay. Just be aware that if you’re looking for advice like, “the only way to deal with them is to hurt them like they’ve hurt you” you definitely won’t find it in this book. Ideas like that only continue to keep you trapped in a game with the narcissist which you can never win. The key is to stop playing those games. Once you see how the game is played, you suddenly gain this incredible understanding of what’s really been going on and you just no longer get caught up in the dramas. You’ll no longer be consumed with anger and continuous thoughts about them. You’re just suddenly free to be you again. They no longer have any power over you anymore. It’s an incredible moment and it can be yours but you have to be ready for it. That’s the key. You need to be ready.

If you're sure you're ready for it:

simply click on the "Add To Cart" button below and you'll have it instantly (format: pdf file, ebook version only):

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Note: This is an ebook only so you'll receive a pdf to download.

Money Back Guarantee
If it doesn't match what you're dealing with, just let me know and I'll give you a full refund. No sense paying for something that doesn't work for you (Please Note: must be within 60 days due to my payment processor's refund rules). But, I think you'll find that so much of what you've been dealing with all suddenly makes sense when you understand what this personality is all about and the absolute best way to deal with it. Be sure to get your copy of this report today so you can stop the anguish and take back control of your life. You don't have to go through another day of feeling like it's always your fault and you're always to blame.

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Additional Resources

  • Dealing With Blamers - 3 Case Studies
    You can download a copy (no sign up or payment required) of my 3 case studies of blamers as well to provide you with additional information on how to deal with this type of personality. pdf file
  • What To Do When Blamers Make Negative Comments About Others
    This can happen often with a blamer and it can make you feel incredibly awkward. Also, depending on how you answer, it could make the situation much worse for you. Some tips on how to deal with this particular situation.

Add Your Comments

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Submitted Comments

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Narcissistic sister 
It's so encouraging to read these comments from people who have experienced the same problem. I have a sister who has NPD. She is 2 years older than …

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I want to leave but i'm 14... 
And I don't have a job (If only) or any other positive family members that will take me in. My mother divorced my father basically right after having …

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But how can I 'BE SURE' its really not me? 
My husband constantly tells me that i always make such a big deal out of him not telling me the WHOLE TRUTH. Past experiences with him and pretty much …

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So true 
Been dealing with this in my partner for the last ten years. Not a good place to be and to live with. I will defiantly get the book because I need to …

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OMG, I WAS DATING A BLAMER!!! 
I started to date my coworker, after years of flirting. He told me he was separated from his wife, but they still lived in the same house, different rooms. …

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YAY  
I love this I understand and Im going to buy the book thank you Im 17 and Im going through the same thng Im ready to change and be happy with myself thanks …

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16 years of living hell with a pycopath 
I have been married to a man for 16 years that is a controlling person he blames everyone but himself for anything that goes wrong! he blames me for everything …

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16 years of living hell with a pycopath 
I have been married to a man for 16 years that is a controlling person he blames everyone but himself for anything that goes wrong! he blames me for everything …

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Parents, society and to be precise most of them 
I've extremely low-self esteem. Parents blamed me, even they are wrong. They always think they were right. Dad's family are full family of blamers. I guess …

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Thank you! 
I googled "How to deal with someone that blames you for everything wrong in their life" and got this article. I also saw an excerpt from the book listing …

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Blamers 
I wonder if the person who wrote this article was to blame? I would like to think that an open minded person might consider that that may have had SOMETHING …

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I am now happy 
I'm so happy after reading this article. I just recently walked out from a blamer. I was dating him for over 3 months, and within that 3 months, I didn't …

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This opened my eyes to a past relationship. 
I got into a relationship where the boy I was dating was funny and charming. Or at least I thought he was. Eventually, he would point out the negative …

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My Now Ex is like this 
I love him more than anything he was so nice when we first met, and after a year he started to get critical he recently bit me and pulled a chunk of my …

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Sounds like My boyfriend 
My girlfriend Is going for a trans op i tell her I'll support her do whatever won't leave her and she gets mad at me because i smoked this was tottally …

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my best friend turned into someone i didnt think could urt me the way he did 
my fiance went from being my best friend, and the one i trust more than anyoe in the world to the one person who hurt me more than anyone ever could. He …

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walk away 
I was madly in love with a narcissist for two and a half years. Two and a half years of hell ! I tried everything to please him, but everything was always …

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IS THERE ANY SOLUTION TO CHANGE NEGATIVE PERSON TO POSITIVE ? 
The content referred above is absolutely true situations. A Blamer continuously, allegates and abuses only a particular person in a family, Why ?. If …

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Mabe I am a good person... 
I'm 15 homeschooled and try everything in my power to make my mom happy. 10 out of 10 times it doesent work. When I was very little (around 4ish) she would …

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My life made down under 
I read this article and I agree, I've lived with my aunt since my mother got cancer and its been like hell every day since, this year I finished high school, …

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Narcissist Boss! 
Before i read this article, i was almost losing my mind. My boss is such a blamer. I have felt so worthless, stressed, anxious etc at times, In fact our …

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Thank You 
I googled how to deal with a negative person and this was an article that came up. I'm 29 years old, my mother has abused me mentally and physically my …

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Oh my gosh 
I am reading this, thinking this is it, this is it. This is the person I live with. I know it is not me when this blaming starts, but than I think ok what …

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MY HUSBAND IS A BLAMER! IM LEAVING HIM, ASAP! 
I WANTED TO CRY READING THIS, NOT ONLY IS HE A BLAMER, BUT HE IS A FEW OTHER THINGS ALSO. He blames me for everything,he woke up late and lost one of his …

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Is There HOPE When The Blamer Is Your Spouse? 
This sounds like my mate....who continually blames me for everything that goes wrong....he also has negative comments about everything and everything everybody …

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Thank you for saving my sanity 
Thanks goodness; at last there's help for people who have experienced 'BLAMERS' in their lives. Having grown up with a single parent blamer, backed by …

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I DO CARE ABOUT HIM STILL 
he is my husband for 8years and since our daughter has arrived, the blaming has increased he is very strict about the upbringing of her, like bathing her…

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if I only had a printer 
I really could use the advice. As the only child I cannot leave my 83 year old widowed mother. So any help on dealing with her with detachment would be …

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Narcissistic Sister 
I am in therapy to help me deal with anxiety/panic attacks and we are uncovering what a huge impact growing up with a narcisstic sister has had on my life. …

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I wont be buying the book... 
...as the book is not for me (I'm still angry). I have read your article though and I now know why my supervisor is always praising my work colleagues …

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Yes, this is whats happening 
I still doubt but after reading this I feel I face with such situation wiht a family member. (sometimes i think may be I am the one who needs help,)I cannot …

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Who threw the first rock? 
"Blame the other person back": this is the solution to being blamed?...too funny. Maybe your partner is responding to your blaming them by blaming you …

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WOW 
This has been an awesome insight. I am dealing with everything in this article! It's like I bend over backwards for these people and I get kicked or beat …

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I disagree 
Ive just finished reading your book, Blamers and I totally disagree, why should we tolerate people like this, why should we pander to their egos, by agreeing …

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'he' vs. 'they' of 'a narcissistic blamer' 
My only concern is that this article seems to pick out 'he' instead of saying he/she or 'the blamer' ... I just got out of a relationship with a female …

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My Boss 
This describes my boss almost exactly. It's really nightmarish, but in a shaky economy I'm scared to make a change. There are times when I feel like he …

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Lots to deal with 
I am dealing with a husband and his 16 year old daughter who are narcisstic. They both blame me for everything!! My step-daughter has hated me since …

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Blamer in My life 
Hi My name is Bernice and a lot of what I have read sounds familiar . I am feeling helpless and worthless. I want a healthy relationship one of the …

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Great Insights, Well Written 
I have linked to your page from my blog: http://keter-magick.livejournal.com/45349.html And I mean it...this insight is going to help a LOT of people …

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wow! This is great truth 
Wow!! I must say that I so appreciate this article. My sister send me this as we have dealt with a very negative sister for years, even to the point …

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Feeling Down 
I just read your web page and found it close to the truth. I am constantly put down by my husband. I cannot remember a time that I did anything right …

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My Life up to This Point 
I have dealt with all kinds of people in my career and found the most difficult to be co-workers who either take credit for what I or someone else did …

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Blamer = My mother 
You have described my mother. I have been her victim for years...the lies, the deceit, extreme negativity, all of it. It was exhausting to deal with …

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help... 
My ex blames me for kids behavior. In turn, if kids not perfect, then she works to take from me. Starting to realize I may have some PTSD from dealing …

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Need to stay intact and not to crumble when his blaming starts. 
Your post is an excellent read, I'm in that position in the path between the blamer and the people (myself too) he points at even when he's at fault partly …

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is it me or them 
I'm 15 I don't know if I'm just being a melodramatic teenager or I'm dealing with a narcissist but my mom seems to blame everything on me and I can stay …

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Thanks for the insight
by A
(SG)

This is exactly what it describes someone I live with at home. She's totally crazy and ridiculous!

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Wanting to improve my family life 
I am glad i found this article. after trying to ignore another round of insults. I think I am married to a narcissist. I am blamed for everything that …

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advice when children are involved 
I just bought your book and have skimmed through it due to being desparate for resolution but still having to get ready for work. It seems like it is going …

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Im the Cruel one 
I have been in a turbulant relationship myself for 8 months, ok its not a long length of time but when we first got together, it was like a dream, like …

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Thank Yôu for this! 
26 years of living this way tonight after what could have been worse than it was because I asked two questions..."to push his buttons once again" I turned …

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Family and friends! 
Very helpful. I know a lot of them narcissits. My one friend, who never understands that is sometimes can be his fault, my sister, dad and his girlfriend. …

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Married to a narcissists/blamer 
I never until now come to realise who I had married. I am now married for 25years with 3 beautiful children. Before marriage,he convinced me with his sad …

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Always The blame for someone else's problems. 
Wow A lot of information to take in.. But very helpful... It gave mec a lot of understanding.

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Blamers 
I began reading Dealing with Blamers and got tired and quit reading the book. The Title should have been "He's the Blame" because the book mostly focuses …

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Negativity 
I think one should make the notion that not all negative people, where their personalities would suggest otherwise are manipulating narccistic, blame the …

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The other side of the coin 
Wow!! the narcissist could very well be so but the victim's perspective that you are describing is not healthy either by blaming how he/she feels entirely …

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thank you this helps 
Been trying to figure out this guy forever.. Started out so nice.. Then one day he hit me with a accusation that was cruel and totally not me.. I didn't …

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Thank you
by Natalie
(Melbourne,Australia)

Have only been on your site about 5 mins & am already very impressed. Your advise is very helpful, thank you

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Biological father 
This description fits my biological father so well. He is well respected (or I was made to think so as a child)and many people even think he is a good …

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It's not my fault?? 
Why is it that everything I say or do he says its not my fault? Even tho I haven't blamed him? For example: I wave the nearly empty soap box at him we …

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It All Makes Sense
by Jacqui Harper
(Tacoma, WA USA)

I read "The Sociopath Next Door" and your discussion on this webpage clicks perfectly. It all makes sense now and the in depth knowledge has really helped me understand and grow. The Blamer is a narcissist and I never really could put the puzzle pieces together until now! :-)

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Does the book have anything for Blamer interactions with children? 
I can deal with the blamer, no problem, but what happens when the blamer attacks the kids? Then the kids are cowering. My only recourse has been to take …

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Struggling 
Your post has given me something to think about. I've been struggling because my boss said some very unkind things when I reached out trying to determine …

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You're awesome!!!! 
Your so awesome God bless your heart.I know 3 people just as you explained above!!!!! Wow I just love this article and Study!!!!!

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No one is all one thing. 
I enjoyed reading the article. The problem is with the internet and how you can type different personality traits and then put your boss, parent, friend …

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My Sister The Blamer
by Emily
(Texas)

My sister used to blame my parents for all of her problems. Now that they're dead, she blames me for everything that's gone wrong in her life after their death. I knew she had a problem, although I wasn't sure what. I still love her and am trying to find answers as to how to deal with her. Thank you for your help.

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I think you just described my husband 
So..... I've been married for 19 (Sometimes happy but mostly confusing and miserable) years. In googling his qualities to try to find info to help me deal …

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My ex husband says my son is bad at school because of me ! Everything because of me ! 
My ex husband has full tempory custody of my son! It seams that after my son has been over at my place for the weekend my ex says that my son is bad in …

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My girlfriend is the vicitm of a blamer - her ex husband 
I am in a relationship now with someone whose exhusband is a blamer. He is absolutely textbook from what I have read here - and he really messed her up …

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I AM A VICTIM OF A NEGATIVE PERSON FOR 10 YEARS 
It is unbelievable how you describe the negative person. So bad i dont have a credit card to read your e-book. Please i really need to buy your book.Why …

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stop the playing game
by MYFIANCEEIS PLAYINGMYMIND
(michigan usa)

wow this is telling me so much about him.he always blamed me make me feel bad about myself he is called the blamer and narcissist. i want to get your book do i have to pay how much is the book.thank you so much for the information now i have o remember myself i have to stop playing this game.

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your own child as the blamer? 
What if the blamer is your own child?

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Angry at on-going situation I just became aware of 
One relative seems to have NPD And MPD, and the spouse gets upset and says he doesn't like to fight all the time either- mostly in traffic or toward evening, …

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Thank you 
I wish your e-book were free; I would love to read it, but can't afford it. But after reading your short introduction here, I'm confident that my current …

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Free at last ! 
I'm so glad to confirm what I'd always known... "he's not normal". No thanks for all the things I've done to help keep things afloat - just contrived,confused (twisted), confounded, created things to come out of left field and make me go... huh... ??? And really, can't we just drop it (lecture of the day) and move along to more important things like actually getting work done) ? Looking forward to finding out how to work "around" him... til I can get the h... out - with my sanity !! At the end of the day I collapse from mental exhaustion- but, "not no more !" tututututu

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Fiance i should of known, but never wanted to believe 
So i started this relationship with this girl whom i had known since we were very young, since about 13 years of age. Now we would both be 19 and she would …

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Thx 
why i like this article: it really stoops below the surface. xx

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I see you've met my mom... 
I googled 'is there a word for a person that is always the victim even when they are clearly wrong' haha, i guess there is. I don't need the book though, i am 26 years old and know she is just nuts, it's not my fault.

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Comfortable 

by Khalil abdallah
(Lebanon )

It made me feel comfort

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Son of a Blamer 
Thank you so much for this article. I feel so relieved now that I know why my dad acts this way; he's a Blamer. I'm a college student at 17 & every day …

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Mom always blame everything i do 
Hi im a married 26 yr male with 1 son,cum frm a family of 5,im the only boy @ home n i work with my mom n she the boss. She dislike my wife n child,i dnt …

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thanxalot..... 
i am dealing with a family.....yes a family with these problems not knowing and thinking whats wrong with me?
happy to know that nothings wrong with me.....thanx a lot.....

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You opened my eyes 
The little that I read was very intense, I am one of those that is caught up in negative situations with negative people. I felt the way your information …

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Thanks!! 
This sounds EXACTLY like my dad.I showed this article to my mom and she fells relaxed after reading this..I hope my mom and dad can work their differences out..Thanks

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In a blind fit of rage, my blamer showed me this site! 
Hi, I'm about to buy your ebook because I need it. I've read about narcissists and agreed that I was in love with one a little while back. I've tried …

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PseudoPsychobabble 
Pseudo psychology and such use of psychology terminology is highly dangerous. Everyone is a blamer. This will not help.

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I've found the answer... 
My goodness, I am a christian and I have been dealing with a blamer for six years on and off, she also is a christian leader, I have seen the same traits …

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an name at last Blamer  
(Britain)

Now i know what has been hapening to me i really dont want to make excuse for their behaviour, my mind is free again to be the person i was and its such a relief, i would have carried on for the rest of my life allowing myself to be hurt today it stops. their behaviour must cost a lot of people their sanity, i am glad i have mine.

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The impossible boss 
My boss is one of those people nothing you ever do is good enough. He criticises people to justifies his existence. He called me a bluff saying maybe I …

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Draining When Its Your Boss
by JC
(US)

Being I am at work I didn't read much of this article but so much truth to these statements and no offense taken he being the blamer it can be anyone but in the case of being a boss who is like this...it is sooo frustrating. Even when you do things exactly as they say and everything goes sour you are still at fault. Even when they make mistakes completely unrelated to you, you can be walking right in the door as things go bad they will look around and particularly find you and say it's your fault. That's how outrageous it can get, very emotionally draining indeed.

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slowing down a bit, taking a deep breath 
This site has been a very insightful read, and rings very true to my own experiences. It's only natural for a narcissist's target to be deeply angry and …

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Some sense or relief. 
I have been dealing with an individual like this for two years and was never able to identify that there really wasn't something wrong with me until I read your article. Thank's I know there is information out there for a better understanding.

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wow is right! 
you placed in words what I've intuitively understood through several relationships. just had a long relationship end for acting with kindness compassion and love (the equivalent of throwing the baby out with the bath water) while being verbally shredded. someone once told me the person who blames you and assigns attributes to your character with such anger is actually referring to ones self. its terribly sad because i truly love her and her imperfections. if she would only desire to see them.

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Dealing with being blamed 
I talked to the blamer that I didn't do it but he just ignored me.

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My ex is ruining my childs life...because he is a blamer and...
by Sad me
(Ontario, Canada)

I am not...

He is teaching her how to become a blamer and I can't do anything about it.

I am so happy I found this site.

I have to understand that I cannot change him or her. I feel sick that my child will not have the benefits to a healthy parent all because the blamer has wormed his way into her mind.

I am sad about this... 20 years of living with a blamer... I wished I'd left before my child was habit to this behaviour and now has decided to live with the blamer because he has toyed with her. Even has resorted to crying in front of her etc.

I'm still trying to grasp why one would do this to their own child?

I have been fortunate enough to find a loving supportive man. I have this to be thankful. He has taught me the "norms of a relationship".

It's a long journey but I will make it. I only hope my child can with little damage.

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A big "aha" moment for me. 
Thank you so much for shedding light into this subject. I thought my ex-partner of 5 years was Bipolar, as the anger he expressed oftentimes, was followed …

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Thankyou
by Ann
(Western Australia)

We have been married almost 40 years. WE have been seperated for 7 and our divorce is happening in two weeks. This is all instigated by him as everything is my fault, he does not accept blame. Reading your pages has relaxed my mind so much. I have been blamed our whole married life for everything never him, even our business partners, sons, staff, never him. I have an excellent councellor who has seen us together but now me on my own, she is helping me tremendously. But, reading this has done so much for me. I feel quiet within. I realise I have a long way to go to be healed mentally and to get my self esteem back. Thankyou

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Amum
by Kaby
(Uk)

Narcissists are horrible cold people, if you stay with one they will destroy you mentally and emotionally my advice is when you realise you are in a relationship with one GET OUT never mind change your ways to deal with one, they are evil they don't care about you or your feelings it's all about them, no decent human being deservers the abuse from a narcissist. Why Try and change your ways to be with a narcissist just dump them and go and meet a nice warm loving decent human being who you can have a loving relationship with, In my opinion narcissist are scum..

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My stepdad sounds like alot of this.. 
i like the information you gave here, this really explains whats my stepdad is and what to call him, he does blame me for not doing things the way he would of done it and blames it on me even if it's done wrong in the slightest way, i feel helpless and depressed,i'm afriad to make a change but i'm also afraid to make it worse, theres nothing i can think to do because he is already married to my mom and all of what you said explains him and few information on how to really deal wih him but to treat him the same way and try to ignore him with a smile and try keep away from him but there isn't a way to ration things out with him it's hard for me to do this,i had no idea there was a name for these kind of people, i won't be able to buy the book after all i'm only a teen not an adult which is why i came to look on how to get inner confidence and led me to this which made me realize how depressed i was, if u have a facebook look for {bren chim chims bear} and i'd like to get some advice on how to deal with problem with out making it worse, if not i can use things on what you said here..

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It is like you are reading my mind 
My girlfriend is like this and sadly this book will probably not be for me as i am in the angry stage. No matter what strategy i have used nothing works and i just can't understand her line of thinking and realize i need to change my strategy.

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What is this called? 

by vanessa
(casa grande, az)

What do you call this type? During an arguement I will point out something my husband is doing that is undesirable. Then he will go off on a tangent "Well, you do this, and you do that, and let's not forget about the time you did blah". I've tried to talk to him about this but he doesn't see anything wrong with thus behavior or it foes the opposite way and he says its all his fault (sarcasticly) and gets angry.

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Blamers 
by Jackie paulson
(IL)

I totally agree that blamers can be Narcassistic as well. I am learning not to be the victim. Thanks for this article and your site as it is very helpful for the newbie. Bless you.

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could not be further from the truth
by Andre Morrison
(UK)

just a quick note,thank you for the insight, regardless of what I think or do it isn't going to make any difference and I need to act now and save any more time being wasted on both accounts, it does breaks my heart but I have to face facts here and grin and bear it as painful as that is. good bye... Andy

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i am a blamer, and i'm sorry 
I'm trying to change but it's terribly difficult. thank you for making me realize this

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Thank you 
Thank you, thank you, thank you. So grateful and relieved to have found your information. Thank you for doing a good thing, you have really helped me a lot.

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Significant Other
by Troubled
(Florida)

I have been in this type of relationship for 7.5 years and after reading this, it pinpoints all the problems that I have been dealing with. I did not even know there was such a book out on this kind of behavior. The case studies gave me further insight as to what I've been dealing with. Everything you have mentioned, I have been a victim of. He's even tryed to convince my friends so they think it is my fault. Thank you for giving me insight as to what I have been dealing with and how to break the pattern.

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My Husband
by Marie
(United Kingdom)

I just typed in Definition of someone who blames every one else and couldn't believe what I read I have been married for 21 years an that is now coming to an end.
After reading this article (open mouthed) I almost feel like a free person already.
My son has unfortunately turned to drugs and just when I thought we were coping as a couple(he is no longer able to control him) he is now blaming me. I am absolutely heartbroken.
I have just been on an Access course for Nursing and although at first he was extremely supportive, I am now being told I am a selfish cow and need to be concentrating on my son. Of course this hurts terribly.
I realise now that over the years and all our shortcomings that we have faced together eg

Losing the house/ bussiness have all been my fault as well, he accepts blame at the beginning leading me into a false sense of security but always turns it round when he can't cope and things just never change.

I feel I really am a fool. But I am accepting my place at University and I will start in Sept no matter how much he tells me I am being selfish for this descision even if it is the end of my marriage.

Thankyou so much for this article, I will be buying the book.
Marie.

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excellent article 
Not to sound like a criticizer, but I appreciate it if someone points out a typo on my page. I only saw one. I think you meant empathize rather than emphasize , in the paragraph that start with "the biggest clue of all"

I will probably buy the book, got to check my budget!

My Reply
Thanks for letting me know about the typo. Funny how those sneak in there.

Catherine

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I know exactly what you are talking about
by Michelle
(Decatur Ga.)

I have been in a relationship with this guy for three years. He constantly telling me what's wrong. he never has anything positive to say about me or to me. We will be happy one day and the next day you would think we hated each other. He's always talking like he's superior over me. Most of the time he just pick arguments or say comments that just really piss me off because of the emotional attachment that I have to this person. I am so fed up to the point where I don't even want to know how to deal with this type of person. I don't ever want to be in a relationship with a person like this. I am a college student trying to reach my fullest potential I don't need a blamer in my life, not now or ever I have had enough of this person and I don't care to learn to deal with them. It seems as if his goal is to make me hate him.

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its hard for me to find happines in life 
It's my sisters fault when i have done some thing home they come and critisise it and so i get upset and try to defend me and so my father starts to yell at me so i go to my room and sit there rest of the day then when i go to school i'm sad there so my teachers phone home and i get more shit. i don't know how it all started but it hasent always been like this

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Seeing that I am not losing my mind!
by Laurie
(oak harbor,wa)

I read your article and it is almost as close to seeing my husband on paper as possible.

I have spent years thinking I am crazy, thinking it was all my fault, thinking I am always wrong and trying to please this man so he would be nicer to me more often. But I know nothing can please someone like this, unless you give them full control!

I aslo have been living with him telling ME Im bi-polar, depressed and just a bad person. I have spent hours fighting with him about things he said and done to me, but it was my fault or I am wrong cause that is not the way it is at all. Even though he does the same things all the time I am wrong for telling him and standing up to him when he he makes me feel like crap for not giving in to him. He thinks I am the bully for standing up to him.

He also puts on a great show for the counselor we were seeing, but that stopped as soon as the couselor wanted to see more of him.

I have been shutting him out, but I am the childish/selfish one for doing that. But I have no other way to regain myself and my own self worth. For so long I told him marriage is about being equals, but I see with this type of person unless someone has control there will never be equals in anyway. With him it is either all or nothing, no matter what I say that is how he takes it and I am the one he says does not get it.

I might not be able to get that book cause I am still angry and hurt. It is hard to get over this type of demeaning actions and it takes a lot of time. But I know I will as soon as I am able to leave all that behind and move on. I think this book will help me very much down the road that he wont be on with me in the soon future.

Thanks for writing this, I hope this gets out to more people living in the type of world where nothing is fair, even our right to be in the same world with a narcissist (Unless they allow you to)!

Thanks -laurie

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You must work in my office!
by Patty
(01201)

I feel everything you have to say is spot on. I constantly have friends telling me that I need to look for another job. Narcissists are everywhere! Why should I leave a good paying job in a tough economy for a lower paying job in hopes that no narcissists work there? I would prefer to read and learn techniques that I can use so they are no longer able to damage my soul. So many times, I've left work with my head hung low feeling as though I have a "I'm stupid, kick me" sign on my back. I realize that I am part of the problem because I do end up feeling like it is all my fault, thus empowering the Narcissist. Just as you've stated, she is so sweet and charming to the Boss who simply cannot understand why I have a problem with such a lovely woman! Of course, the Narcissist does not show her true colors when the Boss is around. I'm in remission from Cancer. I just went for a 3 month check up and my Doctor was very concerned because I've lost 7 pounds in 3 months. He asked if I was on a diet. I told him it's all stress. I have taken on the victim role and just keep quietly to myself in my cubby in a 3 woman Secretarial office. I think of it as "dodging bullets". They think of it as "snubbing". I don't want to get involved in their vicious gossip or backstabbing. Tommorow, I am going to put on my invisible force field prior to going to work. I am going to be positive even if it kills me and I am going to get this book! I now realize that I may be able to stay at a job I like if I can utilize these techniques to deal with individuals at the job that I don't like.

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thanks for comments
by ellen
(Armenia)

you know you are right. I stop talking to her recently. But it is so difficult.and I am unemployed and divorced and have chronic headaches. I love her right. But can not manage my life yet. Thought she is not help. something frightens me I need to decide my own my life. now when it is time to be grown up I do not know I got scared. I lost my father last year. So it scares me. I continue like that I see what happens.

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Yes, This is Whats Happening
by Lisa
(Illinois)

Armenia you can't change your mom views. If she is so depressing you have to find a way to block her out. My mom is the same way. Very depressing! And physically abusive! It took me a long time to figure out how to keep her opinions from controlling my life. She would always tell us (my siblings and I) that you're going to have a hard life. We would have to hear this almost everyday, and because she said this for years I think I believed it and my life was hard to deal with. Im just starting to get better I no longer talk to her because she still haven't changed but I got over wanting her to change who she was for me. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would have told her that Im sorry you had such a hard time when you were growing up. But I want to remain optimistic about my future and maybe things will be different for me. But if she the type of person thats violent you could invision a button with the word eject and when she starts in with the depressing statements mentally hit the reject button. Meditate after dealing with her! You will be fine and grow from this I did!

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THANK YOU
by PATRICIA
(GREENSBORO N.C.)

THANK YOU SO MUCH MY SON WIFE BLAMER HIM FOR EVERYTHING I NEED YOUR BOOK FOR HIM THING YOU ARE SAYING IS SOME WHAT I HAVE TOLD HIM. THANK GOD FOR YOU THIS WILL HELP MY SITUATION.
PAT

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Thanks for sharing your Valuable Insights
by Heena
(India)

Thank you so much for these valuable pointers. I actually started noticing few of these traits in my friend, which I wudn't have noticed normally, bccos thats not the way you normally expect people to be...This has helped me a great deal in understanding these people better, and acting accordingy, to make life better.

Thanks a lot!!

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I had NO idea
(WI)

I had no idea that anyone else in the world knew of this type of personality. I have said it many times in my life. Now I know for a fact that they do exist. I am very interested in the knowledge the book will reveal. Thank you for the information provided. I really want to look into it, in order to save my life.
Thank you!

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Question
by Sean
(Charleston, SC)

Is this a sign of a larger personality disorder or is it a disorder all to itself? It reminds me of a huge symptom of someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Just curious to know your thoughts on that. Thanks!

My Reply
They're classified as different disorders by psychiatrists. They're similar in a lot of ways but they do have some subtle differences. For example, borderlines are more likely to have extreme anxiety issues about being abandoned. They're both very difficult personalities to deal with though.

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married to a "BLAMER" for 50 years
by Cheryl
(canada)

I have just read through the article about "blamers" and so much of it rings true to my spouse! i have put up with his accusations etc. for too long. I feel so much better and more empowered, after reading your information here... that I am no longer feeling guilty for having had a massive stroke 2 years ago, he was somehow able to blame me for it ...
he has been my caregiver but it always included the emotional abuse, so i was forced into a grateful type of toxic relationship. Now I am ready to make a change and free myself of this debilitating psycopath! I will make the change I should have made long ago and free myself for whatever life I have left to live.

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WOW
by KGee
(NJ)

I wanted to cry as I was reading this, it was as if you were in my head walking around, reading what I felt inside about my sister. She is a negative nelly. It is mentally draining and I decided to do research on her behavior. I would love to read your book, but like you stated. I am not ready as of yet. I need to get to the level you are on in order to read the entire book. I know that it is life changing. TY so much. It is a true blessing to know that I am not alone in this battle.

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Over achieving blamer?
by Tony
(Massachusetts)

What I have read hear about negative people makes me think that I do have a negative person working for me. Not so sure my employee is a full fledged blamer though. What is noticeably different is that the negative person who works for me is my top performer, but perhaps that is why I have missed the signs for so very long.

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So astute 
It is like you are a fly on the wall. My relationship with a blamer fits all of the criteria above--I am in the midst of ending it and he is trying to destroy my self esteem with his anger...very interesting.

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read on and feel much better...
by allison
(guateng)

What I've read so far is incredible. It really helped me feel much better than what I did before. I advise people who are in this situation should read this and it will definitely make them feel better and see things differently. It's really wonderful to know that there is actually someone out there who understands how people such as myself feel and can give such great advice and help so much.

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Bri 
You absolutely hit the nail on the head with this article, it's astonishing how well this article matches the persona in my current situation (my partner). It's been draining me so much and I am sure now that none of it is my fault. I know I am a nice caring person who is not selfish or arrogant, though my partner actually tries to convince me otherwise. If only I could lock him in a room with mirrors for walls and every cruel thing he said to me scrawled across them lol!

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Blamers can be female
by Michael
(Kinglake )

see title, this personality type is not exclusively male

Note: from Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com
Absolutely they can be female. This type of personality is not exclusively male or female. I just used "he" to keep it one consistent tense instead of "he/she" all the time. Definitely can be male or female. I'll add that in there as you took this to mean that I meant blamers are only male. Thanks for pointing that out.

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Ms Aarya
by aaryatwin
(Dublin, Ireland, EU)

Just wanted to say thank you for the few lines written above!!! I've dealt with this all my life and (I'm not over yet) with this type of person and I feel relieved to understand that it wasn't or isn't me who is wrong or useless, it's the relationship. I cannot wait to get the book because it would help me to protect myself from this horrible feeling of stress and anguish I have had since childhood...keep tell writing!

Rgds,

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This is so TRUE - Blamers
by catherine
(guam)

This is so true in the house I live in. I feel like that every day..I feel sorry for myself and then I don't know what to do...I get really stressed everyday

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wow you are so right 
Oh my god.
I have an issue in my life and typed in to google how do i deal with a negative person and look what I come up with. Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for having this info available it all rings true!
Rach, nz

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woah 
wow...
reading this was a complete insight for me.
i've been with my significant other for quite some time. He was always bashing me and making me feel like everything I was doing was completely wrong. He would even get mad if i chose to take another route home or the the store. It got to be ridiculous and he started to make me feel terrible about myself. I was the bad one in the situation never him. It got so bad that I honestly and truly believed these lies and insanity that he was feeding me! finally i took a step back from the situation and realized that he had been in the wrong the entire time... this article was an amazing insight to how to deal with this type of behavior. thank you


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