Im the Cruel one

by Rachel Tostevin
(Channel Islands)

I have been in a turbulant relationship myself for 8 months, ok its not a long length of time but when we first got together, it was like a dream, like it was too good to be true.

He would be so charming and lovely towards me, shower me with affection and compliments and take me out for dinner. I fell hard in love with him and i thought he was the one.

But 2 months in, something didnt feel right and i couldnt quite put my finger on it.
He would say things like (i dont deserve you, you are too nice to me, i choose you, you are one of my favourites) It was then that he would turn up at my house drunk to the point where he couldnt stand and i had to hold him up.

He blamed the drinking on past events that he had been abused which made me even more determined to stick by him and help him.

But he kept letting me down, promising me he would do things and let me down at the last minute and then i found out he was an alcoholic.

He had a close female friend who he wanted to go out to dinner with and i felt uncomforatble with it and he lashed out blaming me and then he then decided not to see her.. i never asked him not to and then he would cut me off.. i would call him and he would switch off his phone and then when he finally answered, he called me crazy and i have serious jealousy problems.

Its been like this all the way through the relationship where we would keep breaking up and starting again.
One morning he said he was tired and had to go to work so i cuddled him and i said (you poor thing) and he was so angry and shouted at me saying i was babying him and im needy and clingy.

We split up once because he cut himself off from me when i needed him the most, i thought there was another woman because of his body language and random phone numbers i had found after he had been out so he slept with another woman. Then he came back and chased me, charmed me and then told me about the the other woman and said it was my fault because i had split with him.
I asked who she was and he hit the roof shouting obcenities at me.

I hoped i could change him and make his life better as he had lost his job because he was drunk and i loved him so much, i cooked him a nice meal to cheer him up and he let me down at the last minute, cancelled my calls when i tried to call and switched his phone off then he said i was to blame, if i wasnt so needy and chilled out more, things would have worked.
I constantly feel its my fault but im too tired to carry on giving him my all when he gave up on me a long time ago