if I only had a printer

by Eniko
(Germany)

I really could use the advice. As the only child I cannot leave my 83 year old widowed mother. So any help on dealing with her with detachment would be appreciated. She has to be the ultimate blamer. Nothing comes out of her mouth that isn't negative.

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Sep 16, 2010
 I moved to another country
by: Lorraine

Yes, it's good to forgive. But to bear with a blamer and show her your love because she's your mother, is just feading the feeling of guilt. And that's exactly the way to stay trapped in the bad situation. I heard this from my mother every week and I couldn't detach from the situation just because the guilt she imposed on me. Because yes, she gave me life. But because she's my mother, she doesn't have the right to OWN it. And that was exactly what she was trying.

Finaly I moved to another city and then even to another country when my narcistic mum was about 80 years old. I'm her only daughter and relative. It was the only way to save myself from her.
She first got hysterical, but now the relation is better than when I lived around the corner. I finaly understand that her lack of happiness isn't my fault, that I'm not bad as she always told me, and that she never would be happy because deep down she didn't choose to.
When I was around her, I felt depressed, angry all the time and I was often ill. Now I'm feeling free, happy, vitalized and energetic. I can't help her. She want things I'm not able to give her. Whatever I've done, she always complains and blames afterwards. So I decided I'll not wait till I'm 65 or something to live the rest of my life.

Only a person who was involved in a relationship with a blamer/narcist can understand this. I can't tell you what to do. I only can tell you what I did and how it changed my life. I felt very guilty first. Then I read about blamers/narcists and it was like the heaven broke open. Everything become clear and I understood all about me was just a lie.
I'm happy now. My mother isn't. But she wouldn't be even if I'd stay around the corner. There still would be a disatisfied, blaming mum. And there'd be a daughter close to a suicide.
I don't feel guilty anymore. I've done so much and nothing worked, nothing was good enough and when it eventually was, it was against all my moral values. I spoiled 50 years of my life being around a negative person. I can respect her way of life but I'm not ready to be a part of it anymore. I can't show her my love for there isn't much of it. I do feel compassion for her. But it isn't a reason to move back. She lives alone, doesn't want to live in an old people's home and knows everything better. I'm okay with this now. I help when help is really needed and when she accepts it.If not, I don't help and I don't feel guilty about it (anymore).
So why not to move?
Apr 17, 2010
 Forgive Her
by: Arlene

Always remember, she's your mom, the person that give you life and opportunity to live in this world. No matter how bad she is, you'll need to bear with her and show her your love.

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