by C Pratt
Do you find that you do so much for everyone else yet if you ever ask for a favour then they all suddenly disappear?
It makes you wonder, “Why won’t people help me?” It may also cause you to feel like you’re not valued, not important, or even like you’re constantly being taken advantage of. It also tends to make you feel very lonely.
Let’s take a closer look at this and see why this is happening and how to work on it.
Whenever you hear yourself asking the question, “Why won’t people help me?” take a step back from the initial pain and take the time to ask yourself the following 6 questions:
When you ask people to help you, are you adding in words like:
By adding in these qualifiers, you may actually be telling people that they should say No or that you're not worth helping. You’re saying to them that you don’t consider yourself, your time, or even the request as valuable.
The next time you ask for something, pay attention to how you're phrasing your request. It could be that you just need to change your question slightly. Try leaving the qualifiers off.
It’s also very important that you’re very clear when you ask for help. Tell the person exactly what you need. Dropping hints or trying to use body language (sighing, looking sad, etc.) quite likely won’t be seen by others. People may not help you simply because they don’t realize you need it. You have to ask for what you need in a clear and concise way.
So, instead of saying:
"I'm never going to get this all done by myself"
try this instead:
"I need help finishing the Blue Widget Report for this afternoon's meeting. Would you be able to compile last month's sales numbers for me?"
This way, the person knows that you need help, when you need it, and also knows exactly how to help you. Most likely you'll find that they respond to you in a much more positive way. If it turns out that they don't have time then they may be able to help you in some other way, perhaps offering to do something else or possibly telling you where you can find the numbers already compiled.
If you find yourself thinking, “They should know that I need help” or "She should help me without me asking" then the issue may be your beliefs are getting in the way of others helping you. The word "should" causes a lot of unnecessary problems. Pay attention to any "should's" in your thoughts and then pretend the word didn't exist. If you couldn't use the word "should" then your perspective would change. You're suddenly more focused on what you want and need. "I need help" as opposed to "she should help". It's subtle but it will change how you view the situation and it'll change how you go about solving the problem. If you think, "I need help", you'll come up with ways to get help or think of people to ask. If you're stuck with the should thought of "she should help me" then you're stuck feeling angry, frustrated, and resentful of the other person for not helping instead of focusing on how to actually deal with the situation.
So, you may be able to solve this problem simply by communicating your needs more clearly. Let go of any “should” thoughts, think about what you really want, and then try asking people directly if they can provide what you need. You'll probably be very pleasantly surprised at the complete turnaround in response rate you now get.
If someone asked you for your help, would you drop everything instantly to fulfill their request?
If you do, you may be inadvertently causing people to think less of you. When you always say 'Yes' without hesitation, they respect you less. Strange I know but it's true.
They also get the impression that you'll do anything for them and that they don't have to do anything for you. It sets up a very unbalanced relationship.
To illustrate this point, think about a situation where a parent gives her child every single thing he wants. She also does absolutely everything for the child. Does the child end up with great respect for the parent? No, the child just expects to be catered to and doesn't even appreciate all the parent's hard work most of the time.
Same thing happens when you always do things for others. You may think that they should appreciate you more for all that you do for them, but they don't.
There's a mistaken belief that the more you do for others then the more they'll love and respect you. It's not true though.
When you sacrifice yourself and your priorities to others, you lose that part of yourself that would make others appreciate, love and respect you.
This doesn't mean that you should be selfish and never help others. The key is helping for the right reason which leads us to Question #3.
The next time someone asks you for help, take a moment to really think about the request and what emotions it causes within you.
You may notice that the request is causing you to feel a sense of fear. Perhaps fear that the person will be mad if you don't say yes, or the fear that won't like you anymore, or even the fear of being told that you're being selfish if you don't comply.
If you do sense fear then know that if you say yes then you're doing it for the wrong reason. Most likely, you're only saying yes to gain that person's approval. Trying to gain people's approval this way will actually have the opposite effect. As in Question #2, they'll respect you less.
You'll also need to be aware of whether you say yes all the time because it makes you feel more valuable or needed as you're sacrificing yourself for others. You may also be saying yes all the time so you can continue telling yourself how much you do for others. In this case, the real fear that you'll need to face is the fact that you don't feel loved for just being you. That is a much different issue that you'll need to explore.
It's so important to know why you say yes so much. What are you really hoping to get out of it?
If you help others due to fear, you'll start to resent all the people who ask so much from you. You'll notice much more how many things you do for them and how little they do in return. Your feelings of "why won't anyone help me" will be much more noticeable to you simply because you do resent it. And, when you get to this point, it could be a sign that you're helping others for all the wrong reasons.
How To Change This
When someone asks you for something, take a moment to ask yourself if it's something that you want to do. Pay attention to whether you would say yes simply due to the fear of what would happen if you said No.
Also, does it fit into your schedule and your own priorities? If not say, "Sorry, can't help this time" or or tell them, "I can't do it right now but I could look at doing that next week". Don't just rush into helping without thinking it through first.
The key is to think about it first even if you have to tell the person, "Let me think about that for a few minutes" or "I'll get back to you later today if I can do that".
Also, pay attention to why you're always saying Yes. Identify the emotion it causes in you. If you realize that you're an approval seeker then that will be an important area for you to work on.
You need to work on respecting your own time and value. Once you do that, others will also respect you. Right now, by never saying no and dropping all your own stuff to help others, it shows that you don't value yourself or your own priorities. That's what you need to work on. Valuing yourself first.
The difference is that when you only help someone to get something in return (their love, appreciation, respect, etc) then you're going to end up hurting yourself. You'll feel upset or pain when you don't get the reaction you expect.
When you're true to yourself first and help others from this viewpoint, then you're helping for all the right reasons. You're sharing the best of yourself rather than sacrificing yourself.
Also, when you value yourself, you set up your relationships with the expectation that there will be a balance. It won't be just you doing all the giving and the other person doing all the taking. It'll be a two way street instead.
This change in viewpoint may not instantly be obvious to you. But learning the difference between sharing yourself and sacrificing yourself will completely change your entire life.
When you help other people, do you do it with the thought that they should help you in the future? Do you think they now owe you? Do you keep track of how many times you've helped someone and they haven't returned the favor?
If you do, you're only helping because you think you'll get something in return later. What you expect in return may be as simple as appreciation or people's respect but you're still helping for the wrong reason. This turns all your relationships into being very conditional. People can pick up on this even if you don't directly say this.
If you turn the situation around and someone did that to you, you would resist helping them too. You'd feel like you were being obligated and you wouldn't appreciate that.
The only real reason to help someone is because you want to with no expectation of something in return.
You could be helping for the right reasons yet still be helping to the detriment of yourself. You have a limit to how much you can help others before it starts hurting you. That's the limit you need to be aware of within yourself. How much is too much for you?
There will be times in your life when you're required to give a huge amount of yourself. An example you'll be familiar with is mothers with new born babies. During these times of your life, you'll feel too tired to think straight or handle all that has to be done. If nobody is available, the only solution is to just go with it, accept it, and rest whenever you can.
In situations like this, the solution may be to not focus on how unhappy or overworked you are. You can't focus on how much work it is to look after the baby all by yourself. It would be far better to focus on what needs to be done, how much you enjoy your baby, and also possibly ways of getting additional support.
In this particular case, although you feel angry at others for not helping you, the person you may really feel the most mad at is yourself for:
(a) not respecting your own limits and personal boundaries or
(b) taking on more than you can comfortably handle
(c) not being able to ask for help when you really need it which we'll talk about next.
Something you might want to consider is whether you need to establish more balance in your life. What you really might need is to find that balance where you help others yet not so much that you let yourself get drained dry by everyone around you.
There will always be more people to help than you can possibly do on your own. You need to find that sense of stability in your life where you help others yet you're still mindful of taking care of yourself. You need to know your own limits.
You also need to make taking care of yourself one of your priorities. You can't give so much of yourself that you're completely exhausted and eventually get to the point where you can't help anyone at all. That's when you'll truly resent others for not helping you.
You have a responsibility to take care of yourself and that's something a lot of people forget.
If someone offers to help you, do you usually brush them off and say that you’ll do it yourself? The reason why people may not help you is because you’ve trained them that you always say no to any help.
You'll also need to be aware of whether you don't like accepting help because it makes you feel more noble that you're sacrificing yourself for others or perhaps so that you can continue telling yourself the story of how much you do for others.
You may also not accept help from others because of low self esteem. You may feel that you don't deserve help or that you're not good enough for people to spend time helping. Or it may simply make you feel weak or like a failure if you have to ask for help. If you have any of these thoughts happening then this would be a great area for you to work on releasing these old beliefs. These kind of thoughts will cause you to have unbalanced relationships and will hinder you from being the best you can be.
The other thing that may happen if you're not comfortable accepting help from others is that you may shut yourself off from people. You don't want anyone to see that you're struggling with issues so you never mention them. Or you want people to think that you're completely in control and can handle anything so you never let people know what's really going on with you. You basically shut people out so they don't even know that you need help. You don't talk about your problems so they think you don't have any.
Being able to accept help from others may take time but will be worth it to you in the end. Your relationships will become more balanced and enjoyable.
This problem is actually a huge topic and there are other avenues that could be explored as well. But, by going through these 6 questions should be a really good start to figuring out why no one will help you.
Asking these questions will allow you to take a step back so that you can see the situation from a slightly different perspective. This might be all that you need to suddenly understand why it's been happening and how you can change it.
You'll now be helping for the right reasons rather than out of fear or from trying to obtain something in return. You'll stop resenting people because you'll only be helping as much as you're able.
People will also respect you more and will also know that you're only going to help if you can. They'll also appreciate it much more when you do give your time.
By valuing and appreciating yourself first, others will also see you in a new light. By being true to yourself and your own goals and priorities, people will love and respect you more which leads to them helping you more.
The secret to understanding why no one will help you basically
comes down to knowing how to share yourself but not sacrifice yourself.
If you're constantly saying yes to people no matter what, this is the ebook for you. When you can finally stop continually seeking approval from others, is when your real life will begin. Caring too much what others think stops you from sharing the real you. You're always trying to be what you think others want you to be. This book will free you from that endless anxiety. You'll discover why you need approval, why searching for it in others doesn't work, and also how to believe in yourself enough so that you no longer need anyone else's approval except your own.
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