I truly appreciate your advice. I would like you to be more specific when dealing with a spouse that has neg attitude. When is it time to decide if divorce is the answer? I don't believe in divorce. Married over 10yrs. I feel like I'm the cheerleader, disciplinarian and have 4 boys to raise. Noticed a yr ago I am exhausted, frustrated and disappointed. I feel I would be much happier being divorced. Recently started using reiki, tat and eft. My husband is not supportive of such things. I am tired of trying. When I have asked him if he wants a divorce usually after he has been acting very nasty he says no. Actions don't match up with words 90% of the time. We have been to 3 sessions of marriage counseling.
December 25, 2007Posted by:
Sorry to hear about your frustrations. I've sent you an email separately. Let me know if you don't receive it.
December 28, 2007Title
You decide Posted By:
When is it time to decide if divorce is the answer? I don't believe in divorce. End Quote
You have to decide if you "believe" in divorce. You can stay married and decide to make yourself happy in your current situation. How would you do that?
January 2, 2008Posted by:
You ask a really good question, anonymous. How would you make yourself happy in a situation like this? I thought I'd share a really good quote from the book, "The Being Solution"
by Darel Rutherford."We have problems for a reason. The most interesting thing about having a serious problem is that it has become a grave problem only because we've made it significant. We've given our problem the power to disturb our peace of mind. If and when we take our focus off the problem and choose to BE its solution, we take away the problem's power, giving the power back to ourselves."
He also says, "You and I tend to look for a change in the other person or a change in conditions as the only possible solution to our problems. That solution will never happen until I change who I am being relative to my perceived problem! In any situation I face, I can control only me, and that's really the only control I need. If my problem is to be solved, I am the one who must change first."
Problems in a relationship really can be a sign that there are issues of our own we need to look at. When we change ourselves, then people will respond to us differently.
Also, so much energy is spent on focusing on the other person as the problem. It's very frustrating and it keeps you trapped with the problem. You'll just end up feeling angry and feeling stuck. Whereas, if you can take a step back and figure out why you're responding the way you are and what do you really want, you can learn a lot about what's really happening in the situation. Then you can try to figure out solutions to the problem and move forwards instead of remaining stuck. You get to take control of your life again.
Another interesting question that Darel asks in his book is, "if there wasn't a problem, what would you be BEING and what would you be doing?" So, in other words, if there wasn't a problem at all, would you be happy, loving, friendly, joyful, etc.? And, what would you be doing? Would you say encouraging things to them, would you do nice things for them? It's an interesting idea because it brings to light the things that we're doing that might be making the situation worse just because we're acting out of anger and frustration. It also shows how by focusing on the other person you've lost touch with what you really want to be and do. Focus on that again and you move past the problem.
I'm not saying this is the solution for all couples but it is one way of looking at the problem from a different angle and when you can do that, you start to see solutions. You also get back in touch with YOU and what you want to do. You stop being trapped in the current situation waiting for the other person to do something.
January 15, 2008Posted by:
I saw a good posting on Bellaonline today in regards to this subject. The posting is called, "How Do You Know When It's Time To Go?". Here's the link to the article: http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art54944.asp
I think I would also add the following to the article:
- Are you expecting the other person to make you happy? If there are issues within you that need to be dealt with then you may be taking that out on your partner. You may find that as you solve your own issues of insecurity or lack of confidence that you find your relationships not only with your mate but everyone else will also improve.
- Are you comparing your relationship to what you think others have or what you see on tv? You can't know what happens behind closed doors. The idyllic relationship you think someone else has might not be as nice as it seems. Remember how wonderful the fairy tale story of Princess Diana and Prince Charles appeared to be at the beginning? When the truth came out, it wasn't anything like the fantasy. It's a waste of energy comparing yourself to others. It's far better to focus on what you have and what you need and then figuring out how to achieve that in your own life.
- Are you blaming your partner for what's wrong in your life? Sometimes, we feel like we need to vent or take out our anger on someone and our mate can be the easiest target. It'd be far better to focus on what you do want and focus on solutions.
- Do you find yourself saying "should" a lot. As in "he should buy me flowers", "he should take me out more often", "she should be more understanding". If you are, then you may be a victim of your own beliefs. Let the should's go.
- Are you spending more time focused on what's wrong with your relationship and not appreciating the things that are going right? Take a few days and pay attention to all the good things about your relationship. What you focus on is what you tend to see. So, if you're focused on only seeing what's wrong then that's what you see.
- Have you tried looking at the relationship from your mate's point of view? Sometimes, being able to see the situation from the other person's side will help you to understand why they act and react the way they do.
- Are you waiting for the other person to change? Sometimes the real person that needs to change is you. You can change how another person responds to you but you can't change the other person.
- Are you causing yourself grief by thinking "conditionally". For example, you think you should get something in return for what you do. So, if you make your mate dinner then you think in return he should be grateful, appreciative and do something that demonstrates that to you. If he doesn't then you feel angry and resentful towards him. "He doesn't appreciate all the hard work I do around here." When really you should only do things because you want to. Not because you expect something in return. If you like making dinner for your mate and it gives you joy then that should be enough. This goes for things like affection as well. It just doesn't work if you're affectionate to your mate because you expect that in return. It's a sure fire way to cause yourself great distress. It's far better to focus on the joy you feel inside from just doing what you want to do, what feels right and what is good for you (still respecting the other person of course), and expect nothing in return. If the person does reciprocate then that's great. But, it shouldn't be the reason why you do something for others. You can't bargain like that. You only end up hurting yourself when you do.
Anyway, that's a few thoughts that came to my mind. As you can see, there's a lot of different angles to this issue.
January 19, 2008Posted by:
You are exhausted, frustrated and disappointed. It feels like you holding some anger deep down. What is it you perceive you have lost??? Is it support, love, acceptance, appreciation or what? Then use Catherine's "3 questions"
and focus on being grateful to your husband for giving you xxx what you perceive is missing. It works like magic as I use this method now after 36 yrs of rollercoasting in my marriage. Good luck.