experience left me low in self belief

Ten years ago I had a very destructive relationship with a guy who was extremely controlling and who spent every day asking me what thoughts I'd had about other men throughout the day. He would go over and over what I'd done and who I'd seen every day and doubt me and not believe me so much that in the end I lost all of my confidence and lost all sense of what I actually did think!

He broke me right down and I lost all my confidence in how I feel about guys.

I'm really confident in other parts of my life, sport, friendships and work but in the relationships with guys area I lack confidence and when a guy does come into the picture whether it's just a date or interest in me I get all confused and don't have confidence in myself to know how I feel.

I have recently dealt with a situation for the first time where I have made myself go on a date and all the way through made myself be confident in what I think and that it was ok to not feel that way about him. I feel a lot of pressure in finding a guy and others comment that I should give people more of a chance. This is more of an issue as I've been single ever since my ex boyfriend, I have been on dates etc but not liked anyone and always got myself into very unhappy situations with people I didn't want to so this makes me even more upset!

I also worry that I am unable to meet a nice guy because I lack confidence. I can see that I need to build my confidence in accepting and knowing how I feel about a guy when in a new situation but wondered if you have any tips on how to build this confidence?

Many thanks anom

Comments for experience left me low in self belief

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Feb 04, 2009
 bad relationships
by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

Hi,

Sorry to hear you went through such a bad experience. I can see why that would make you hesitate getting into another one.

When you think about having a relationship, what do you think about? I'm wondering if your main thought is something like, "I don't want to ever get caught up in another relationship like that." If you are, then you're caught up in thinking about what you don't want. You get stuck there.

Think about what you would like from a relationship. What kind of traits would you like from the person (eg. funny, kind, clever, etc.) and focus on finding that in another person. What kind of things would you do together?

Right now, any guy you meet, you might be instantly looking for things you don't like simply because of the fear that it will turn out like before.

But, you know the signs now. You wouldn't let a relationship get as bad as it was before. You're much more wise about relationships now than you were then. You also probably have a much better sense of who you are.

Forgive yourself for letting yourself get into that kind of relationship. You did the best you could at the time.

Ignore other people. They may be well meaning comments but you have to do what's right for you. You don't want to be in a relationship simply for the sake of being in one. You want the perfect one for you.

Maybe start though with listening to what you're thinking whenever you think about having a relationship. Is it mostly fearful thoughts? If it is, acknowledge them, and then take the time to think about what you do want.

Catherine

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