DNA DISASTER!

by Judi
(Wisconsin)

I am a 54 year old Author with a great husband, children etc.
My mom and I have always been super close.
I decided to have my DNA done, to be afforded the opportunity to pass on correct information...And then the bomb struck.
I received word that my closest relative (Sister? / 1st Cousin?) was a woman I had never heard of.
I assumed my father had produced this child in one of his many affairs and it really did not bother me...He was only around til I was 10 and he was viscous to say the least.
After speaking with the other woman and forcing my mother's hand, I find my father was someone else entirely.
My mother had had a brief affair at a point when she was sick of being beaten, with a man who was also married to his 2nd wife at the time.
He had apparently begged my mother to flee to Canada with him (he was Army) but she was afraid to.
My blood father passed away in 1997 so I will never get a chance to meet him...Perhaps that is part of the problem?
I found his family and talked with his other children (2 marriages), who are horrible and seem to be blaming me.
The thing is..I feel completely lost...I have lost my identity.
Everything about the man is what I am...We held the same job in the same place, 30 yrs apart of course...He wrote poetry, I write novel's...He had throat problems, so do I...I look like him, my children and grandchildren look like him.
I have everything in common with a stranger.
I look into his picture and see my face!
I want to forgive my mother, who swears she did not know...I think she should have warned me this was possible...I could have met him!
I have always been an outsider with my siblings, both younger and older and (my not father) singled me out all the time for his hatred...I have spent years trying to figure out why...Perhaps he felt it?
I am just so angry and confused right now.
Thank you for allowing me a chance to vent.


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Aug 28, 2019
 Dear Stop It
by: Anonymous

I am sorry to hear about what happened to your family...I know this has to be difficult on your end.
I have to say though, that this child has no idea what your husband was like or the problems she may be causing to you and yours by contacting you.
I know this must be hard on you, but aside from anything else...This is just a person looking for answers.
Perhaps all she needs is information.
I have no need to know my other family if they do not want that, the shock is over, but information about where I came from is not a lot to ask.
This child is not responsible for what happened and neither are you...But your husband IS
Aug 27, 2019
 Stop it
by: Anonymous

We just had this happen to us and I'm the wife of 50 yrs. of a Vietnam Vet whose bio child contacted us a few months ago. It has sent our world spinning - you see, he had sex with a multitude of women, was usually drunk, scared and young. This particular woman seduced him (she was 7 yrs older). I knew all about it because he didn't want to have secrets from me - all in all he must have had sex with more than two dozen women, sometimes 3 a day. She knew this. She was married. No one cared. Now we are supposed to dredge up the past with this new bio daughter? It is killing me - I had an abortion and we always wanted a girl....now I am feeling guilt, anger, and supreme sadness. One of my sons is mad at his father for being careless. I had to deal with sex addiction, alcoholism, etc., and finally we are so close and happy and this comes up. Our world is rocked because, dear girl, the week before you contacted us, he was planning his funeral - he has 3 kinds of cancer. This stress is not good for any of us. You got what you needed. You don't have time to relive your childhood with a man who merely supplied sperm unknowingly to create you. I am still so angry....
Mar 01, 2019
 Things have improved
by: Anonymous

Hey all,
I want to thank you all so much for responding to this thread...It does actually (sadly) help to know I am not alone.
Over the course of the past year I have worked dilligently to find out everything I could about my father and his family...It helps some.
I have cut ties completely with most of my fathers other children, or they have cut ties with me...With the exception of one. I have found an amazing older sister through all of this...We are very much alike and although she has been alienated by the others, she has stood beside me.
My relationship with my mom is still great but slightly different, and it bothers me that she is still upset that I found out...It was not anyones to hide but mine and I will not do that.
My family (I grew up with)is moving on but act like it is not real or that I do not exist for the most part, but that is nothing new really.
I have filed a court case to have my "Not" father removed from my birth certificate and to take my father's name...I am told he would have wanted that...For some reason this is helping me
Just hang in there everyone, and please do yourselves a favor and stop worrying about everyone else...You did not ask to be put in this position, and you should learn to deal with it in any way that gives you peace! Love and best wishes to all of you.
Judi
Feb 28, 2019
 Me too
by: Anonymous

I’m almost 50 and recently found out my father is not my biological father. I was in denial at first but some family members did the test and their results / lack of matching with me made it obvious. My mom died several years ago. I don’t know if my dad knows and I refuse to hurt him by telling him.

I have been very fortunate to have found a cousin to help me track down my biological father. We have it narrowed down to two guys (brothers) and we will have results in a few weeks . I feel truly blessed by the warmth that everyone has shown me during this hunt — from the cousin I never knew that has helped me down to the total stranger I had to call and say I think you might be my dad. Both men have been wonderful and kind; I realize that could very easily not be the case.

I still feel lost. Everything and yet nothing has changed about me. Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories; it is good to know I’m not alone.
Jan 07, 2018
 Reply to Judi “DNA Disaster”
by: CC

Judi, my heart goes out to you. Your story hits home with me as I just learned what I always suspected, (and I’m 55) that my father was not my biological father. I also experienced feeling like an outsider with my siblings and felt my "father’s" hatred toward me my whole life. The man who is probably my biological father passed away 25 yrs ago.The only difference is I have not yet approached my other unknown half siblings because And not sure I will because I’m afraid I’ll be rejected by them.
After reading your story I’m feeling I don’t even want to try now. I’ve felt the rejection from my family my whole life, I really don’t want to risk adding more rejection. I don’t see a date when you posted this, but want you to know that you’re not alone. I understand how painful this is. Hope you find some peace in the midst of this storm. I’m glad I found this message board. Helps to know I’m not alone.
Jun 15, 2017
 Searching family and who am I because I've NEVER KNOWN
by: Anonymous

Betrayed all my life.
Took the rest. Yes, it really works. I found family. Someone else also took the test, got in touch with me and said they knew who my mother is. I was so excited to hear a voice that for once in my life was willing to speak some truth into my life. I could feel all the torture that I had experienced START to fade. This person got in touch with my boo sister, have her my number. My sister immidetly got in touch with my mother and so my mother had finally called me. I was for once feeling releif from all the he'll I've lived. My mother had questions. I'm assuming to make sure I was really her daughter. And I had a million questions as well. There were questions and answers that only the two of us would know of each other. And I believe that she is indeed my true mother. One of the questions were, WHO IS MY BIRTH FATHER? She told me that she had been raped. I was shocked. However, she did tell me that she loves me. That was all I have ever wanted to know. My mother loves me. I can feel the pain leaving from my life and out of my mind, my soul. And my sister's really want a relationship with me. They want to get to know all about ME! Is this what it feels like to be human. I am wanted by my mother and my sister's. My heart is healing after all these decades of hurt and pain that I have suffered. My sister had questions I was happy to answer. I could tell my sister was actually happy to talk with me and wanted to get to know me. And I found that she is a living kind of person with a good heart. ME, I HAVE A SISTER WITH A GOOD HEART THAT WANTS ME IN HER LIFE. I can hardly breathe. I have never before had family. And I now have hope and I am able to see a future with someone that I AM connected with. I can't think of enough words to explain all the good rushing through my mind and body. I have connection. I have family. I am hungry for family. I want to know all of them. Where do we come from? Who were my grandparents? What were they like? Cousins? Where do they live? I want to know about everybody. I want to know all the family history. I'm so excited. Does anybody have hobbies? Quirks? Collections? A funny hair do? Wear old fashioned clothes? Family gatherings? Drive a nice car? Where do they work? How many kids? Does anybody play sports? Not that I like sports, but I want to know. I want to know everything, about everybody. After all I have to catch up with everybody. I'm excited. I need to know. I tried to find more family. And they too were excited. They were happy. GOD, this MUST BE what love feels like. Its so much of a good feeling. I have family and it is growing. I HAVE FAMILY.ME. Now my mother says she doesn't want anybody to know about me. ??? What am I suppose so do with that? MY MOTHER LOVES ME, BUT MY MOTHER IS ASHAMED OF ME? What do I do with that? That is not live. Not real love. Not the love I've heard of. Not the kind of love I thought was suppose to be. My mother wants me to remain a secret. I was a secret all my life with the people that raised me. I know that was not love. So now I am faced with yet another difficult situation in my new found family. My real family. My real mother wants me to remain a secret because she is ashamed of me. I know this because she actually said the words to me. I'm floored. It puts me right back in the place I was in growing up. I don't get it. I've learned nothing about this experience in all the searching I've done, in all the years that I've searched. Just to end up being a secret once again. This is not fair to me. I did nothing wrong. I just want the feel of my mother's arms around me. I want to look in her eyes and tell her I love her. I want to call her mom. I want the two of us to cook a meal and sit down together and have a meal together. Its simple. But, I have to stay a secret because she doesn't want anybody to know who I am. I'm me. I'm hungry for family. I've finally found what I've searched for all my life. And my mother is ashamed OF ME. WOW! Do I honor what she had said to me. Or do I grab my mother and get that very long awaited hug? Have a relationship with her. Or do i look for everybody, expand all my family members, and risk my mother never having anything to do with me? OH MY GOD. DID SHE REALLY SAY THAT TO ME? Meanwhile, I am still curious to find my father IF he is still alive. He raped my mother. Yes I have the audacity to search for him. But keeping in mind he is ruthless.and no doubt worthless
Jun 08, 2017
 Support group
by: Kerry

That's fine
Jun 08, 2017
 Support group
by: Kerry

That's really great to hear Greg. Are you good at setting up those kind of things online? Do you know a good place? Do you use Facebook? I'm unfamiliar with this forum but I know we could set up a completely private group there that others can not see. I'm open to any other ideas also. Obviously the sooner the better for me and I'm guessing for you as well. I feel your pain I promise you.
Jun 08, 2017
 Support Group
by: Catherine

Hi Kerry,

I'd be glad to help out in any way I can with your wish for a support group. I could set up an area on my site for it.

Just let me know what you think you'd need.

Catherine
www.Life-With-Confidence.com
Jun 08, 2017
 Support group
by: Greg

Kerry I would be very interested in a support group.
Jun 08, 2017
 Support Group
by: Kerry

Is anyone on here interested in starting some sort of an online support group with me? I feel like only people in this very situation can really understand all the emotions we are experiencing. I'm really not sure how to process them and I thought maybe some of us would be better trying to do this together.
Jun 07, 2017
 I'm shock
by: Kerry

Like most of what I have read here I also just found out now 5 days ago, at 41 years old, a mother of 5 that my Dad is not my Dad.

I took AncestryDNA with my mother and brother both knowing I was interested in it, my father I hadn't mentioned it too but he had given me all of his brothers binders of ancestry work from a decade ago when he passed on on his family history dating back 300 years. I told my brother that better my uncles tree and the DNA I would probably find some really great information.


When it came back about 5 weeks ago I just didn't get it. Honestly even now I wonder about my level of how naive I actually am but I'm not Italian, how in the world could I be more Italian then Irish and what even is Caucuses, middle eastern?!? Well that's not possible especially at 11%. I called my brother who said Irish people went through all of those areas. Lol. I called my mother who just mostly spoke of herself but said all the crazy stuff must just be from my Dad's side.

I didn't call my Dad on it because I knew he wouldn't take well to the assumption he was Italian so instead I ordered yet another AncestryDNA and decided I would have him take it when I saw him next. Well all of that will never have to be.

For the last 5 weeks I have been messaging many of my matched DNA relatives and unfortunately most have their trees private which I really don't get but whatever. Well one third cousin had a tiny part of her tree open last Friday and I saw a last name I recognized finally, but it wasn't one of the 30 surnames from my uncles research but one of my parents best friends from years ago. I thought I was over reacting but started doing to searches and messaged this women and asked if she was related to this specific friend I knew. She answered back Saturday morning that he is her 1st cousin. I about hit the floor. I still thought from my reach seeing that my mother and this friend were born in the same city about 2 hours away that maybe although different heritage that somehow they were related? I called her and told her I had just confirmed that I am related to this friend. She responded with, Oh, I always thought you were Daddy's.

She said she thought she knew when she got pregnant and that no one at all has an idea this is a possibility. She said it didn't matter anyway because he died in 2014 which I knew because I followed his wife on Facebook. I asked if he knew, she said he asked but she told him no. His oldest son who I have a million pictures with is just 2-3 months older then me, so my mother was cheating in her marriage, he was cheating on his pregnant wife.

The day I found out was my oldest sons 22nd Birthday. On that very day 22 years earlier I was going in for an emergency c section and the Drs said they had to wait to type and match my blood. I assured them my parents had to have their blood types done at the time of their marriage license and I was 100% sure both of my parents were O+ and I was sure I also was O+. They told me it was protocol and later came back and told me I am A+. I didn't believe them till my son was born and is also A+. I went home and took out my parents marriage license and asked them how this could be. They told me they didn't know, had to be lab error. I brought this up to my mother on that call on Saturday and she said she couldn't answer my question then because she didn't know the friends blood type.

I had an extremely abusive childhood, often being removed from the home but the abuse centered around me. I didn't live home after the age of 13 but usually with friends and teachers from school till no one could afford me and at that time my mother refused me back and I ended up in a state run group home. My father was physically and mentally absuive but I always said it was at the egging on of my mother. My mother has never liked or cared for me. Up until Saturday I thought most of the time at this point in my life I had found a place for that. I don't have much to do with her. She still has her cousins or my brother call me to tell me I should be nicer to her or something crazy but I just push forward, till now.

I am convinced she knew. I know I can not prove it and even if somehow I could she wouldn't ever admit to it so it doesn't matter but she knew and this is why she did this to me. She is pure evil. My father who raised me and still has no idea is just as much of a victim in this as I am. So far I don't think I will tell him but he's not an easy guy to get along with either all of the time so I hope I can handle it. My brother and my mothers mother both said upon hearing this news that my father will actually kill my mother and then probably kill himself. His is incredibly violent and they could be right so I might have no choice but to hold this in.

My new biological father moved to an island far away and became a police chief for 25 years. He and his first wife that I knew divorced. They had two boys who were friends as kids with my brother and I. The first wife and first two boys have never accepted my friend requests on Facebook which I always thought was strange so now I wonder. He went on to remarry and have 3 more boys. I contacted his widow over the weekend and explained what I just found out and she was nice but it was clear she didn't think it was true and she said things like we don't have much money. I told her I don't want to hurt or upset anyone, I want nothing more then the answers which I thought I had my whole life until right now.

Turns out one of those boys from the second marriage asked to see my picture and said I look just like his Dad, which I agree incredibly enough and wants to take the DNA test. I just purchased the test for this sweet 22 year old kid and had it mailed off to him and now I just wait. I am clear this is all exactly what it is but I understand they need this to be sure.

My life is forever altered. Nothing will ever be the same. I don't know anything about myself that I once thought I did. The level of hurt and betrayal is so deep I'm unsure there are proper words for them.

I appreciate this blog. Thanks for letting me ramble on and on...
May 07, 2017
 Read this page as well
by: Catherine

Hi Greg,

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Know that you're not alone in this. Did you have a chance to read all the comments on this page:
Who Am I? Finding out that my father in not my biological father

There have been some great suggestions on that page from others who are going through the same experience as you as to how they dealt with this sudden trauma. They're very supportive on that page and I think you might find it helpful reading through their thoughts as well.

Catherine
www.Life-With-Confidence.com
May 07, 2017
 I find that I'm in the same boat
by: Greg

I too have just recently found out that my legal father is not my biological father. This comes at the age of 59 and I am having a very difficult time coping with this news. It has turned my world upside down to say the least. I'm grateful to read that I am not alone but it gives me no comfort to know that others have suffered like I am now. Any encouragement or ideas of how to deal with this news would be so appreciated. I know I will come out on the other side of this darkness but it sure seems bleak right now.
Apr 25, 2017
 DNA
by: Anonymous

Judi,

I am moved by the potency of your story and it seems almost beyond bearing. It appears there is no place to stand, and yet, here you are. You mentioned a great husband and children, could they be the grace behind your despair and longing? If this is true, how precious have they become?

I cannot think of a way to ease what you have been given. Your situation is not unworkable and your life is still a gift. I wish you love.
Apr 24, 2017
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by: Anonymous

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