Controlling Relationship?

by Anonymous

Am I in a controlling, manipulative, relationship?
When we first met he was perfect. We didn't argue at all. He told me about all the horrible things his ex (who he went out with for 8 months) would do. He had a 1 month old baby with her at the time.

He warned me that she will try and get him back & cause arguments with me n between us. So I told him I won't let her get in the way ect. Then there were arguments between me and his ex n ex n us. I began to feel insecure. I hated him being near her but with them having a child I supported him while he would go to her house to see the kid (she wouldn't let him have the kid on his own).

The first year with him was perfect, the 2nd year was my getting insecure around things with his ex. Then she moved away and didn't tell him her new address so he had no contact with her or the kid for about 6 months. But by that time I was insecure over anyone I thought he would find more attractive than me. Yet I never even seen him look sideways at anyone else. He would stay in, not go out with friends and he would take me everywhere with him, yet he would let me go out on my own with friends every week.

I didn't feel he loved me cause he doesn't talk about how he feels with me. He would say I love you but that's it. i felt like he didn't care about me cause he would let me do whatever, go whenever, wear whatever I wanted. He would always be first to sort out my problems even before I had thought of doing them. This made me dependent on him.

I forgot how to live life for myself, then I cheated on him, kissed someone else. He made me feel guilty so much and tried to make me promise not to go out as much, not to drink as much. I said yes and tried to do this for about a year.

He blamed me kissing someone on my friend cause she was there. I tried to make me feel like she was trying to get me in these positions as she was jealous of us. I told him it wasn't her fault, it was mine. But then I did it again. I don't know why I was doing it but then he would make me feel guilty and try to restrict what I did using my guilt. When i did kiss other people he didn't even seem like it was hurting him, he would sometimes not talk for a few days but then things would go back to everything being fine. As long as i told him i wouldn't go out with 1 particular friend on our own, would cut my alcohol etc. Then i realized the relationship wasn't healthy so I left him. I met someone else but my ex explained to me all the tricks my new boyfriend was playing on me then i realized i had attracted the same kinda person and my ex only new what games the new one was up to because he played them on me to...but i still loved ma ex and felt like i would never meet any1 else who would treat me rite, so i got back with him, now it is even worse the things he's doing but don't want to bore u wrote loads already, basically i not with him at the moment cause he cheated on me and didn't/won't say sorry. Now am sat he thinking every minute of calling him to sort things out.

Strange thing thou I know he will always play games but I love him so much (sad I know) I know it won't go back to perfect for long but part of me is telling myself if we get counseling or something it will work. Spoke to his ex who explain to me what he used to do to her same/similar things. Also found out that they had been together for 2 yrs. He still won't admit to me that it was 2 years not 8 months.

Visitor's Comments
Posted by Catherine,

Hey Anonymous,

It sounds like you're not in a relationship right now. So, this would be the perfect time for you to work on loving yourself. It sounds like deep down you don't really believe anyone could love you. Because of this belief you don't believe it when people tell you "I love you". Trying to make someone else "prove" that they love you by trying to get a reaction out of them (kissing someone else, wearing inappropriate clothes etc.) only ends up hurting all 3 of you (you, your boyfriend, the person you kissed).

Because you're trying to find love for yourself outside of yourself, nothing anyone ever does will be enough. Even if he gets upset, that won't satisfy you. You'll keep wanting more and more proof and looking for all the signs that he doesn't love you instead of the signs that he does.

So, work on why you don't feel like you're lovable. Work on getting yourself really healthy first before you get into another relationship. Until you do, you're always going to feel that empty feeling inside.

You can totally do this and you won't regret it.

Once you've worked on your own self worth and self esteem then your relationships will bring out the best in you.

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