Comparing myself to his exes....

by Sylvia
(Denver, CO)

I have read so many articles and I haven't found any clear answers on what to do or how to resolve the issue. I feel as though something is wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it.

I have been dating my current boyfriend for quite some time now. I am so incredibly happy with him and I love him with all of my heart. And I know that he loves me too. We've discussed marriage and having children together. Everything seems perfect. Until I begin comparing myself to his exes or other women.

I know that I am not ugly but I am not the most beautiful person in the entire world. I know that I am talented and that when I love someone - I love with all that I am. I know that there is a lot that I have to offer a man and that's why it has taken me quite sometime to settle down with someone. So I don't know if this issue is about insecurity. I do feel as though I am never going to be good enough and he is going to wake up one day and realize that.

He and his ex-wife were able to travel to so many different places. She made over $60,000 a month. She cheated on him and she was the only one who didn't want it to work out. He did EVERYTHING he could to make it work and still she left. So after 15 years, they divorced. Then came the next girl who he got engaged to after only 4 or 6 months. And that girl broke his heart too. He made it a point to tell me that while he could never satisfy his ex-wife in bed, he could his ex-fiance. Needless to say, he is extremely sexual.

So the issue comes when I think "I don't make that kind of money. Is he going to be happy not doing those kind of things?" or "Ex-finace rocked his world in bed and I can't satisfy him sexually like she did." or when he tells me how his ex-finace played golf with him, they went on quite a few trips, she was a marathon runner, and she is really petite. At that point I start looking at myself and realize that I don't do any of that and while I'm very petite myself, there are several other things wrong with my body.

My question is WHY am I comparing myself to these other women like this? Why do I get this jealous feeling of his exes when he talks about them? What can I do to get over these issues? I don't want this to destroy our relationship and I need advice.

Comments for Comparing myself to his exes....

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May 11, 2011
I can relate
by: Anonymous

I can relate to this poster, because I deal with the same issues and thoughts. Unlike her though, I know that the majority of it comes from my low self-esteem and confidence. I feel very inadequate almost every day. I compare myself to his ex-wife (from looks to cooking to housekeeping skills). They have a 9 year old daughter (whom I get along with fabulously), but because of the child together, the ex is in our lives at times and I see her a few times a week while picking up/dropping off the daughter. She is nice to me and we are very civil. But I look at her and I know I am maybe not as heavy in some areas of my body, but I also know she has been pregnant a few times in her life and I have never, and I know that changes someone's body. I do look at her though and think she is prettier than me. I tell him that too, and it drives him crazy. I also compare myself to every other female...I always feel like I am too heavy, large-framed or not pretty enough. My fiance tells me all the time that I am beautiful and that I am not fat, but it is very hard. Even watching women on tv or in the movies makes me uncomfortable because I know I will never look like that. Then I wonder if one day he will get tired of me or the way I look and move on. This self-doubt and jealousy has destroyed my engagement to him---the final straw was when I started comparing myself to his step-sister (who is heavier than I am, but I believe she is more "feminine" and also projects a lot of confidence and has a bubbly personality and is very outgoing). I created this whole thing in my mind and would tell him things like "if I wasn't with you, you and "your sister" would get along great as a couple", "your sister" is prettier than me, has bigger b00bs than me, etc". Well needless to say a man doesn't want to hear that everyday. The final straw was when I sent her an email and said that I thought they were having an affair because I saw a couple texts on our cell phone plan to her. But he talks to EVERYONE, not just her but his other sister and 3 other brothers. But because she is his step-sister and not blood related (and currently single), I view her as a threat. It is a mess and we are trying to sort it out but she took a lot of offense to me accusing her of being with her brother (now the whole family thinks I am crazy, and I used to have a great relationship and time with them). The crazy thing is that I KNOW I blow things out of proportion in my mind and I know that I have a lot to offer and that I am pretty and can be sexy, it's just that my negative thoughts take over and then the next thing I know things are out of control and I can't take back the things I've said and done.

Mar 02, 2011
Just Breathe
by: Anonymous

I understand and as well have this issue when I am having deep feelings for someone...Just take time and breathe. You are afraid that this may be real and are anxious looking for a way to end it before he has the opportunity to reject you for the inadequencies only you see. He may not be comparing you but love everything about you. The truth comes in knowing that you are worth that love and deserving of it. Just breathe and embrace this moment now for what it is. Be you! He is in-love w/ You! You are the only one you can control. If he should decide to leave because he doesn't value YOU for YOU than know that that's his lost not yours. Find that peace w/in and accept yourself, first. Be YOU, Love you. You are special in your way. Peace

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