Can't Get Over the Past

by cherakee68

I was married and had my son when I was sixteen and my daughter when I was 20. I am now 41 and been cheated on multiple times. My first husband messed around several times and eventually met someone on the internet and left the kids and I when they were little and moved across the country with her.

I got re-married a couple years later to an older man who was controlling and abusive and he too messed around on me. I was seeing a guy who I found out was going back and sleeping with his ex-wife.

My father messed around on my mother and my brother on his wife. I have lost all trust in men and I long to have that trusting relationship but I don't know how it's possible. My boyfriend and I have been living together for 5 months now and he is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The problem is I can't get past these fears that if I let down my guard he's gonna mess around on me and I know that I am pushing him away..I know this and I know it's gonna end up ending if I can't stop but I have so much fear in me that I am willing to be alone then be hurt one more time. I want to be married to him and he treats me like gold and I have no doubt we would have everything we wanted with each other if I could move on and trust him.

It is so bad I've tried going on every depression med's possible. I am on anxiety med's also when I need it. I don't want all this medication but I am making myself sick to the point where it's affecting my whole life. He is an airbrush artist who's been in magazines and is well known so this makes it even harder for me because I like to keep to myself and hide from everyone so that I don't get hurt. This isn't going to work very well in the business he is in.

I don't know what to do except let him go and tell him he needs to find someone who can be able to trust him and not have all these insecurities and fears. That is not an option I want to turn to but I just dont know what else to do. I wish I could just close my eyes and wake up different but it doesn't work that way.

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Sep 25, 2009
Really hoping I can do this
by: cherakee68

Thank You. I really hope I can do this. I don't know why it has to be so hard. It seriously feels like I'm stepping out in front of a speeding car just trying to let my guard down. I'm so scared that this will fail to and I will yet again lose what means the most to me. Unfortunately and I know it to be true...I realize that I get upset over foolish things and tell him it's over because deep down I fear he will leave me and if I push him away first then it will hurt but not nearly as much as if he leaves me. I know that sounds terrible and people who are reading this is probably saying if she knows it then why doesn't she just change it. If it were easy I would have done it along time ago. My mom and I have a pretty good relationship now but when I was a kid she use to degrade me and say very hurtful things to me. I think I've come along way and I have two very responsible and grown up adult children now who I'm very proud of but I can see where I haven't had hardly any positive things in my life to go by and this scares me that I will never be able to figure it out.

Sep 22, 2009
Can't get over the past
by: Catherine,

Hi Cherakee68,

Well, you've already taken a big step in that you can see that your expectations and beliefs are causing you to react in ways you don't want to. That's a great first step. You just need to take it one step further now. Whenever you catch yourself worrying about him cheating on you, say something like, "Cancel, cancel, cancel" and then think about what you do want. At first, make it something really small like, "I want to have a nice quiet dinner with him". Then, your mind will start to think about how you can do that. Maybe you could make his favorite meal or go to a favorite restaurant. Doesn't matter. What matters is that you're starting to focus on what you do want and how you can achieve that.

As long as you continue to focus on your fears, you can't move forwards and as you said, you'll drive him away. You just get stuck feeling bad all the time. So, you just need to pay attention to what you're thinking and continue to change your thoughts to what you do want.

Also, remind yourself that you've learned so much from your past mistakes. You know you don't want what you had in the past. You want someone like this wonderful guy you found. You're not the same person you were in the past. You're much wiser now. Also, think of those past experiences as being what you needed so you can truly appreciate this guy you have in your life now.

I saw a good quote today that said, "Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes is what is called experience." - Denis Waitley

That's what you have. The experience not to fall for guys that cheat on you. You know a good one when you see him now. : - )

So, concentrate on how you can make this relationship even better and appreciate how wonderful it is that you've come so far and have finally found the perfect guy for you.

Just take it step by step. After what you've been through, it's understandable that you'd be scared about getting hurt again. But, think about what you want and you'll realize that it's worth going through this fear. The fear is only temporary while you learn to trust again. What a fantastic reward you'll get for having the courage to face your fears. Pay attention to what you're telling yourself and when you find yourself thinking about what you don't want, turn your thoughts around.

You can do it.

Just let me know if I can help in any way.

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