Insecurities about his ex-girlfriend

I met my partner about a year ago but called things off as I had just come out of another relationship and needed time for myself. However, we remained close friends and there was always something between us. We got together officially 6 months ago but i found out (through snooping, more being nosy than insecure i think) that he slept with his ex at christmas, just before we got back together. I was devastated, despite the fact we were not together then, as this behaviour is completely out of character (he is so honest and has strong morals) and his ex was his first love. I feel i have to compete with her - she is physically much more attractive than me. I can't stop thinking about her and although he assures me he loves me i can't help thinking he could rather be with her. I know this is negative behaviour and i need to stop but i have no idea how.

To make things worse my partner and i will be living in different towns for the foreseeable future and i am already really worried what is going to happen. I don't want to lose him and he said he would be devastated if things went wrong but i can't stop feeling so insecure and thinking that the worst is going to happen. I trust him completely but my negativity and fear of being hurt makes him think i don't. I really need to build more confidence in my relationship but particularly in myself otherwise i am going to ruin a good relationship. Any advice would be gratefully received. Thank you.

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Aug 04, 2008
Insecurities
by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

Hi,

I think what you're feeling is actually quite common in new relationships. It can feel kind of scary and overwhelming when you get to that point where you think you're ready to commit to someone and also to open yourself up to them. So, you're going to worry that as soon as you're vulnerable, he's going to dump you for the previous love. Also, very common to compare yourself to the other person.

But, first, do you feel comfortable that he is over his previous girlfriend? Is he still in contact with her or was Christmas time the last time? That would be a good clue for you. If he hasn't had any contact with her since then, it's a really good sign that he's committed to you.

Do you know why they broke up? That might also put your mind at rest a little too. If he thinks she's a total fruit loop then you know there's less chance he'll go back to her.

Don't worry about the fact that you think she's prettier than you. First, I bet she isn't. You just think she is. But, secondly, even the most beautiful women in the world aren't always the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. When you're looking for that one special person, you're looking for far more than just how they look. You want the person that brings out the best in you, that person that brings joy and laughter to your life, that person who's there when you need someone, that person who listens to you and is just that safe haven when you need it.

So, if you're sure he's let her go and he's willing to make you his number one priority, then focus on that. Focus on how you can make your long distance relationship work. What can you do to show him that you're thinking about him and that you care about him? What can you do to make your relationship work? Keep focusing on that instead of what can go wrong.

Focus on the best that can happen, not the worst. Also, work on having really good communication between you. That will be key for you with having a long distance relationship. Sometimes, a long distance relationship can actually end up being a good thing because it does force you to have better communication than if you saw them every day for instance. There's no time for head games and not being clear with each other in a long distance relationship.

Good luck with it. Let me know if you want more suggestions. But, basically, focus on what you want and ask yourself "how" are you going to achieve it. That will keep your mind moving forwards in a positive way instead of getting stuck with the negative thoughts.

Feb 12, 2009
same problem
by: Anonymous

I've been married for a few years now and have exactly the same problem you have. I am admitting to be insecure about his ex-girlfriend basically because she is much better looking than I am. I think my main problem is that he has a lot of cute exes and they are around us all the time because of common friends. This is turning my life into a nightmare and ruining our relationship. If you want yours to work make sure to avoid having his ex around you by any means. I get the feeling he regrets not marrying her every time I see her, maybe because we are not on good terms but I still miserable about that. I'll pray for you..please do the same for me

Mar 30, 2009
Hi
by: Alys

Hi, my name is Alys. I am so surprised, your story is so similar to mine that its scary.

I met my boyfriend just over 1 year ago and as well called things off in the beginning because i didnt think we had enough in common and then saw him again a few months later and things started again and i realised that we were perfect for each other. I had found some photo's on his computer (yes, i snooped a little!) They had date stamps on them and were taken between the time that we had met and gotten back together. I also found some intimate photo's of them and it made me feel sick. They were also taken at that time. I was so mad at him because he had told me he hadnt been with anyone (especially not her). He did tell me that he went with friends to her birthday party but nothing had happened. And then to find these intimate photo's of them and just normal photo's of her, i was gutted.
I cant help but be insecure of her now, having seen them together like that it kills me even now and this was 2-3 months ago.


He is so loving with me and told me when i found them that they meant nothing and he didnt realise he still had them. I feel so jelous and obsessed with it and im not sure how to do deal with it.

We live together and he always talks with me about marriage, but every now again i see the photo's in my head and i want to cry..

I wish there was something i could do to not think about her. I constantly check her facebook just to see a photo of her. She is tall and blonde and beautiful and even though she has a boyfriend and hasnt tried it in awhile she has tried to talk to him and get back with him.

How are you going and how have you managed to deal with it?

Alys :D




Mar 31, 2009
You're wrecking your own relationship
by: Anonymous

Does he have pictures of you on his computer? Yes, right?

Are you pretty sure he isn't seeing her? Yes, right?

If you think he lied about the pictures, has he lied about other things? Probably not, right?

If you think the relationship is in the past, then let her go. You're the one keeping her in the relationship. He isn't. You are.

Checking her facebook picture and comparing yourself to her is only wrecking your own relationship. Stop looking at it. The next time you want to look at it, tell yourself Stop. Or Not helpful.

Think about what you can do for your own relationship. Are there places you can go, things you can do, maybe plan the wedding. What are you going to call your kids? Do you want to buy a house together? Where would it be, what would it look like?

Thinking about her all the time is only going to push him away. And, you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

As Catherine says in one of her articles you're thinking about what you don't want. You don't want him to be with her. Thinking about what you don't want doesn't get you anywhere. Read Catherine's article how to stop feeling bad, http://www.life-with-confidence.com/feeling-bad.html Think about what you do want.

Let her go. He's with you now. He's planning to marry you, not her. She's in the past. Leave her there.


Apr 06, 2009
Helpless N Confused
by: lucky charms

My problem is very similar! I have been married for 2 years! And I can't stand my husband's ex girlfriends! Last year one of them called his brother's house looking for him? That made me soooo mad! Then there is another one that ran into his sister at a bar, and started talking about things he did in their past, and basically just talking shit! That made me so upset! What does that mean? I feel insecure about his ex's because he always use to talk about them, and a year after we were married he still had their names as his pass codes! I don't think they are prettier then me, so I'm not insecure about that, But why do they keep on looking for him? And continue to have anger about something that happened 5 years ago? This is interfering with our marriage.

Jul 17, 2009
hate it
by: Anonymous

I am still going through the same as the other woman here, i am with my boyfriend for 4 years we have a 19 month old son... when i first met him he said i am still friends with my ex i said ok i still talk to some of my ex's also, but little did i realize that he meant he is still taking care of his ex.

She would call every day even with the fact she was with someone. And if she wanted to she would call at 4 in the morning. It was out of control.

I told him this is just wrong. Being friends is one thing but you are still here for her whenever she needs you.

So anyway 4 years later i said it's her or me he says me and now i see she is working her way in through his friends always asking to hang out with the group and not caring that i already said to her that i do not want to hang out with her or be her friend... this is crazy i feel like am i the only one that thinks it odd that this whole group meaning my boyfriend and all his friends, think i would want to hang out with her. it been a long 4 years but i am finally getting to the point that enough is enough. A lot of people say ow but he loves you and she is just needy etc etc. I feel like this it's none of my business if his friends want to be in contact with her all i can say is i don't want to be where she is if you want her at a party or whatever let me know so i can decline i don't think it's right for everyone to expect me to accept her when i am with this guy.

Nov 01, 2009
SAME PROBLEM!!!
by: Anonymous

I was hoping to find some stupid solution for how to stop being so insecure over my usbands ex but guess not. And it has been like 12 years, so I wish I could say it gets better. The weird thing is I know he does not love her or respect her at all. She left he and their son when their son was 6 and he is 19 now. I really was not even interested in him I was 19 he was 27. His son, who is now my son stole my heart away. We now have 2 other children 9 and 4. There is always this nagging sensation about it. I dont know why? I am like you, I think she is prettier than me. My mother tells me its all in my head. But whats your mother going to say, sorry honey you are ugly!! We have a wonderful sex life (not to get personal), but I am told this is a good indicator of the health of a relationship.. We will be married for 11 years this year. About the fifth or sixth year, I had an affair, not really affair, but I was intimate with someone else. And the stupid thing is I did it out of insecurity which he would never believe. Its crazy, and it is probably self esteem issues on my part. But it still drives me crazy every once in a while, I will go for months and not give it a thought, but then all of the sudden it will hit me. I think it hit me this time because the 19 year old just got married. His mother hadnt really seen her own son in years but she needed to be there, she needed to see the wonderful person he had grown up to be. When I walked in the church he said to me, I reserved the front row for my parents. I said oh that is okay, I understand. I was so hurt, distraught, overwhelmed, and as the usher walked me to my seat, I saw that my seat was in the front row in front of hers. That is a moment I will cherish forever. And yet I am still insecure. I was checking her out, without checking her out, which i am sure was so noticeable. I thought now what the !@#$ did he see in her, we could not be more opposite. But ofcourse, I had to tell myself she was prettier than me. I had to compare myyself to her in every way, and wonder hmmm... what did he see in her. Did she do this and that better. It makes no sense but I hope it goes away someday. God bless you all I will be praying for your worries to go away and mine too!

Jul 09, 2010
similar thing
by: Anonymous

I am going through a very similar thing at the moment. My boyfriend and I met 2 years ago but after 6 months I called it off because I thought we had nothing in common.
It hurt like hell breaking up but I tried to move on and started seeing someone else. 6 months later I realised I was still in love with him and we got back together. I asked him if I had got with anyone else while we were apart and he told me he'd had a drunken hook up with a work colleague. At the time I was fine with that. I mean, I was in a relationship with someone else and this was just a one night thing, but now, almost a year later I am having real trouble dealing with it. I can't get her out of my head and constantly compare myself to her.
I too have checked her facebook page so much just to see a picture of her and realise that she is so much prettier than me, tiny and blonde. I know this is crazy behaviour but I can't get it out of my head, even though I was with someone else too, more so in fact.
Rationally I know im being crazy, my boyfriend loves me and is so loyal but I do find myself thinking that he doesn't love me as much anymore. And I know she is only a factor because I keep bringing her up but I don't know how to stop the thoughts.
I hope I can be positive enough and believe in myself enough to let these thoughts go and realise that being thin and blonde doesnt mean everything. And I hope you all find belief in yourselves too. You are all beautiful.

Dec 28, 2010
Don't know what to do :-(
by: Anonymous

So my boyfriend and i have been together for 5 months. he told me the last person he had sex with was a girl that he is also friends with. I didn't think anything of it because I was sure i would never have to see her. So her name comes up every now and then but on a friendly tip, i cringe everytime I hear it because I know that he has touched kissed and looked at her sexually. Not to mention she's gorgeous, I m very attractive but on a scale i would be an 8 and she would be an infinite 10.

On christmas of this year we planned to be together, but at the last minute he decided to go over the girls house for a "last minute get together"... We talked about it and I expressed exactly how i felt. Then he tells me that the girls gave me a big bag of old jeans that she doesn't want anymore... ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? He has no clue that i have ill feeling toward the girl but when the topic comes up about why I never looked through the bag of clothes it going to come up.

Ive never met the girl before, and no i do not need the jeans, I don't even have room for the ones i have. I'm sure there's some in there i would like, but i can't bring myself to open the bag... I don't want to lose him, he's perfect for me, but my intuition is going bananas and ive been down this road before, I can't bring myself to do it again.

he has another friend that he had sex with (before we were together) and they are still close friends. He has a bad memory, and he told me once that she still liked him. After that conversation, my liking for the friend was done. i haven't met this one either, but he's dying to meet me... i'm guessing to size me up. I don't have th patience for this. i put my wall back up, even though he hasn't noticed, but I do want to work through this. I see potential in us. what should I do?

Mar 31, 2011
Past'
by: Anonymous

Hi
It's really hard when you know full well the guy loves you but has been with others, fact is "what you don't know won't hurt you", I mean what has happened in his past should stay there, aslong as nothing over laps with your relationships then why let it eat you up!
My boyfriend and I have a 15 month old girl and been together 2 yrs 4 months, but he was with his ex 10 yrs, they had an amazing life together, were getting married etc until he found out she was a cow...anyway they were split 3 yrs before we dated, but she does my head in! 1st as I live in their house and find her stuff still even some jeans the other day 2nd he doesn't want to get married now which makes me feel like I am not good enough! She is prettier then me, better body (fake) and taller! It all gets to me BUT everyone of his friends say "we have never seen him so happy" etc, I think part of it is because of our daughter and part of it is me, our family unit works and I have to learn to let the past go, in doing so I delete my facebook account as it's rubbish and not really life!
Work on what's real and not the things you make up in' your head from facebook, photos messages! If he tells you he loves you, then he does, remember MEN are very matter of fact about things they don't say things they don't mean!! And who ever this women is I bet she doesn't worry or think about you half as much, so don't give her the time!
Love you, love your life and live for what you have! Good luck take care and talk about it, if it bothers you! X

Apr 13, 2011
me too!!!
by: kristine

my partner and i has been together for 9 years now.and we have two kids .i found her ex girlfriend(live in partner) thru facebook i used some of my sources to get in touch with her,i came close and pretend to be my partner,get in touch with her.i discovered some serius stuff identifying how serious they were befor,the girl was so close with my partners family...i really was frustrated when i found out they met somewhere.im rili confused..we will be getting married on may 3.i would like to ask my partner about what i found out but i know he will not answer me back/tell sumthing about it..i just want t know whats true..

Jul 05, 2011
What should I do?
by: Anonymous

I don't know it's a weird feeling I love this guy alot and we been together for less then a year and we are talking about getting married but recently I found pictures of him and his gf he said he will get rid of those .. Which he did but saved his first gf pic from prom and one more of them going on vacation... But he lied to me saying that he only saved the prom picture and hided the other one... He says he loves me alot... What should I do.? He wants to work things up but doesn't wanna get rid of his and his ex picture ...

Jul 28, 2011
married the man who broke my heart and I am having a hard time forgetting the past and letting it go invovles an x girlfriend
by: crystal snow

Well, when I met my future husband we dated got into a relationship and he had been talking to his x claiming they are just friends but it was over. he told me how it was not just one thing but that he just was not into her. Then he would bring her up he now claims that was to push me away and might of been to protect himself but i am not sure of that . His words followed in actions eventually we broke up and he went back and slept with her and pursued others.. he then came back to me and I refused to look at him for about a month and we went into therapy on my urging due to my attempt to break up after he had some sort of enlightenment to what his words and actions can cause. I wanted to understand and make sure that I did not just end up dating some liar.. then i found emails that dated back to when we were together and 3 weeks before he broke up with me to both women. I was devestated but he put an end to the friendships and took steps to work on re building trust. I cannot get over it. I bring it up and when I see her in public I get sick to my stomach. She is much older and looks it so I should feel good that I am far better looking. I believe I am but then I start to question if he could go back to that then what the hell ?? now i am married and I should feel better but I cannot get over it. I would say to anyone who is thinking of marrying someone who ever betrayed you for someone else NOT to do it.. yet i think if we get through this we should end up stronger than anything and that is the thing I believe the real issue is trust and being able to love and know you're safe in the relationship that nobody could dare come between you. In my case someone did more than one did and that is what bites!

Oct 10, 2011
Scared.
by: Anonymous

So. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years. Our relationshipis very slow because I have morals and values. Althoguht he constantly tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me etc. He is always talking to his ex-girlfriend behind my back. I have told him time and time again that I dont like them talking because I think all she is doing is trying to ge t back with him. He assures me everytime that I am all he wants. I dont understand why they cant quite talking then. I have an uneasy feeling he is cheating on me. What should I do? I am already to attached to him to let go. I jsut dont want to get hurt again. And everytime I confront him of how I feel he starts getting mad accusing me of not trusting him. I just dont kow what to do anymore.! And I am very insecure as it is because I have his friends telling me to lose weight. Im so confused!

Oct 29, 2011
OMG SAME!
by: Rachey

My fiancee and i have been together for nearly 2 and a half years now but the way we got together wasnt nice atall! we were very close online...i was living in scotland and him in england...we would talk everyday about everything and anything for about 2 years and there was always feelings there, we would flirt even though he had a girlfriend....and i thought he was only with her because he couldnt be with me and thats what he still says..but he would still talk about her and say he loved her to me at the time?....he says its because he was trying to make me jealous or put a barrier there because he didnt think we could be together because of the distance....he says he didnt even think she was pretty and that i shouldnt worry because she looks much better in her pictures, also he didnt like the fact that she was really skinny. he says i am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen but i recently saw old comments on her pictures saying how beautiful and sexy she was and how much he loved her and how lucky he was etc despite him saying he didnt have feelings for her and didnt like her (even though he was with her for a year and 2 months and she was his first serious girlfriend) he said he wrote those comments because he felt like he should...being with her and all (trying to make it convincing to her that he liked her) but they sounded very genuine to me......then towards the end of their relationship he actually told me he was in love with me and they split up and he phoned me in tears (which i dont get) but he says that its only because it made him feel not good enough and he hated that because he already had such a low opinion of her....but anyway he was telling me he was in love with me etc...and we were meeting 2 weeks later and sharing a tent at a festival....so he was giving me the feeling we were going to be together ...but then he met up with this other girl and had sex with her the next day after telling me he loved me! and didnt tell me...i later had to find out they had got together and i had to pretend i was happy for him because i didnt want to lose him as a friend....he told me how much he liked her etc and said he thought she was the one because they even had the same toothbrush...incredibly stupid and immature i know but it still hurt....anyways he was with this girl but we still met up at the festival and things ended up happening he said i was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and we slept together 5 times and he told me on the first night that he was deeply in love with me....the next day he felt bad and i said did you like her alot then and he said "i liked her enough not to do that to her" so that made me feel shit and below her and that he had made a mistake....i said if you want to go back to her i wont say anything i just want you to be happy...we can forget it and he said "i dont know" which obviously made me doubt his feelings for me ...

Oct 29, 2011
part 2
by: Rachey

and then i got on a bus back to scotland which he waved me onto in tears...he went back to london and spoke to his step dad about what he should do he said he wanted to be with me but i was so far away...should he stay with her because shes closer...but he ended up calling her and telling her and we got together....then i asked him why he went with her in the first place because i feel like he chose her over me....he told me he loved me and then slept with someone he didnt know...he said he went to meet her with no intentions of that happening that he was hurting because he couldnt be with me and wanted some company to keep his mind off it...he then said he felt pressured into having sex with her then after that had happened he thought....well im having sex with someone else maybe this will help me move on....so he said that he was with her only to move on from me! i dont know if i can believe it and i know he wasnt with me but it feels like he cheated on me....i feel like both his exs are so much better and i constantly check their facebooks hoping to see a bad picture so i can feel better about myself...but i always end up feeling worse...again he said he didnt think this girl was attractive in the slightest...but he chops and changes his mind...he has said in the past he thought she was pretty....but he says now that he said it to make himself sound like a less horrible person ( to make it sound like he didnt use her completely ) its disgusting but he said the only reason he could have sex with these two unattractive girls is by thinking about me ....but i am not blind and i know theyre not unattractive...im a fat mess with no confidence and these girls are skinny and beautiful...he says he likes that im bigger and he likes dark haired girls...but they both have blondeish hair....i feel like im the opposite of his usual type...and he said to me before if he could choose his dream girl shed be a size 12 with green eyes....im a size 16 with blue eyes...his first gf had green eyes etc and it just makes me feel like he wants her...i dont know if i can believe what he says ....he has messed me about and changed his story so many times...i dont know what to do...it doesnt help that im always talking about them and always comparing myself to them...i know its not healthy i need help PLEASE?! someone tell me how it is lol?! he gets so angry and says that they are disgusting to him and im so beautiful but sometimes i feel like hes angry because hes stuck with me....thanks (rant over lol)

Jan 03, 2012
EX
by: Anonymous

I just read I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper. You can get it on Amazon or other bookstores. It helped me to deal with so many issues that I had with my fiance's ex - who I really hated!! Now, my relationship is perfect :) xxx

Jan 29, 2012
Happy to share my story too
by: Anonymous

I am too dealing with feeling that way about my partners ex as well, they were together for 3 and a half years and had been over for two years before i came on the scene she would call and text him all the time and seem like she was jealous if he was out with girls she dumped him but yet had a go at me when he asked her to stop calling and move on , it bothered me a lot because i did not know they were still in contact. I became very insecure about it and stared to doubt myself this girl is not all that attractive and from what i hear she had a crap personality but yet i still felt inferior to her as they had shared a lot together, at the end of the day he is with you and loves you . I found every time we would fight i would bring her up then get mad at him for speaking about her , it my insecurity and its something i have to work on no one can help me the ball is in my court. I have looked her up on line and checked her fb I've felt crazy doing it , I recently heard she had lost weight and straight away my mind went to oh she must look better then me I had to change my thinking to oh yeah who cares Im in good shape so why worry about someone else . Its the hardest thing to let go of especially when you have been doing your head in over it for a while but by continuing it your going to wreck your relationship . Its a step by step process and I am in the mist of stopping myself from being silly at the end of the day all that matters is the future and nothing more , when you think or look at her you validate her and most of the time there is no need for it . That was a long post but hope it helps : )

Jan 29, 2012
I had the same issue
by: Anonymous

I have been with my man for 2 years and he was with his ex for 3 and a half years she dumped him then went on to call him and text all the time as they agreed to be friends , I was not aware of them talking until i found out through someone else my partner did not tell me because he knew i didn't like her still he should have but we have worked that out now. She was then aware that i knew of them talking and didn't like it and continued to do so , i found this very disrespectful as i meet my partner before they started going out and i stopped calling him while they were together as a sign on respect for their relationship . Long story short i use to felt really inferior to this girl i would look her up on line and try to get as much information on her as possible out of my boyfriend , i was very insecure and it nearly wrecked my relationship i found out that she had lost weight and was like oh no she must look better then me which she is not at all i just got caught up in the insecurities that i had . You need to remember who he comes home to and understand every time you think of her or talk about her you validate her in your life its not healthy for anyone she probably doesn't give you a second thought so why give her that either. The best thing to do is get on with your life i find that the best revenge to anyone even though that's not what you should try to get on her just forget about her be happy being in love and looking ahead life is to short to let the past weigh down what could be a very happy future don't deny yourself that your WORTH IT !!!

Jan 30, 2012
: )
by: Anonymous

The last two posts are both mine i didn't think it worked , hope they help : )

Feb 03, 2012
My boyfriend has been contacted by his ex and now he has mixed feelings
by: Anonymous

Four years ago I met a man that lives across the street. We became very close friends, in fact best friends. He was in a rollercoaster relationship and cried on my shoulder many times. She dumped him over the phone and returned to her old boyfriend. When she found out we were dating she began contact. SHe drove 40 miles and waited for him for hours while he was with me. They talked for hours and he later told her he didn't feel comfortable speaking to her anymore and asked her to respect our relationship. The contact did not stop. A few weeks ago she showed up while I was at his house. I behaved like a lady but I did ask what was going on. He was disturbed and said she acted inappropriately. That visit stirred up memories and now our relationship is deteriorating. He said he has come to the realization that the chemistry between them will never be the same, she cannot compromise, she is not trustworthy, etc. I asked him if he felt our relationship was salvageable and after a few seconds he emphatically said yes. The following evening he came over and was very affectionate. Normally he waives goodbye in the morning and he text messages me but I have not heard a peep today. He is a doctor and I am an accountant. He said we have what people envy but he is still on the fence. Should I just drop off the radar for a while? She said she wants what we have, a solid friendship and then marriage. However, in my opinion their foundation is full of cracks and he agrees. It's tough to be strong and not to contact him. Please advise.

Feb 09, 2012
HUGE DILEMMA, SHOULD I LEAVE HIM?
by: LITTLE ANN

I have a huge problem and i dont know what to do, I met this guy (48) who is 18 years older than me(30) he is the guy that ive always wanted. Everything was perfect until I met his ex. Before we were together she has always been around.They sepnd Xmas, new year and birthdays together. He told me the she has got a bf and they are just good friend. They broke up after 3 years coz he found out his ex slept wth another man but after that he stil contacts her as a close friend.He was single until he met me which is about 2 years after his break up. I met his ex coz he wants me to feel safe and I trusted them coz his ex text me herself and said that he wil always be his best friend so i continued the rship with him but i wasnt happy that she always wanted his attention making him feel bad by not spending time with her when he is already having a rship with me. We broke up after 3 months of being together when she told him she still loved him, this made him confused. He said he needed time to sort himself out.I was undergoing depression and it was difficult. Just when i was about to get over him he came back and told me he had the most difficult time when he wasnt with me,he also had depression. He said i was the one and he send his ex an e-mail telling her that his future is with me and I make him a happy man. I told him he has to cut her off completely to make the rship work. I told him his ex is very manipulative and he might not be able to handle her. He agrees and after that he was very caring and attentive towards me.We were a very happy couple and Its been almost 2 months since we got back together until few days ago his ex started it again, making contacts with him. He has not call or talk to her ever since we patch up but now when I ask him how is he going to handle this he said he doesnt know. I felt really upset about this, I kow he is a nice guy. He told me he would make it clear to his ex but he doesnt want to hurt her coz they have been friends for more than 10 years but he will think of a way. The problem is I need him to make a closure with her coz it hurting me. Im feeling insecure about this but I feel pushing him isnt going to help. He has not done anything to dissapoint or upset me coz its his ex now that is trying to make a contact. Should I trust his words and wait until he tells her to keep away from him or leave him before I hurt myself again. I love him very much.

Apr 02, 2012
ex girlfriend. :(
by: Anonymous

I've been with this guy about a year and 4 months and we broke up last month .. We still talk to each other and see each other now and again bcos I still love him. He had a gf before me who he was with for a bout a year and she was his first love and when we was together she was always in the picture trying to talk to him and meet him etc even though she has a boyfriend. Since we have spilt up I've found out they've been talking about their past relatitonship and how they still care. And now I can't stop thinking about them getting back together when I want him back but he doesn't want me. I don't know what to do because its so hard and all I think about it what they said to each other and how he said to her when I first got with him is if they'd get back together in the future which I saw on his phone. I'm in bits and really don't know what to do :( someone please help x

May 21, 2012
Im taking positive steps
by: redbag1

Little background info:
Divorced my husband of 14 years over 2 years ago now, we share 2 boys and have a very amicable friendly frelationship.

Got together with my bf about 16 months ago, Id known him for years tho as we work together.

As the relationship developed, we discussed past relationships telling me hed had an affair witha married woman from work, this had ended a year before we got together and there was no unfinished business.

Now here i am 16 months in and totally in love with this man. Over the course of our relationship he has admitted to being obsessed with her, he used to look her up on facebook so that he can check what shes up to, he also admitted that she would pop in to his head all the time, even when we were in bed together. Weve had a lot to cope with over the last year but ive realsied that he doesnt want this woman. More feels badly treated by her and has had a problem getting his ego over this, that is why he kept revisitging the situation in his head.
I do feel insecure about her tho. Shes not that attractive but im aware that the pull she had on him was no strings sex and that was most likely pretty hot to him while it lasted. Im aware this isnt a feeling i can compete with, nor would i want to.

This has caused major problems tho and at the moment we are on a break. Even tho i can try and put everything in its place in my head, sometimes it still get a hold of me and i go under with awful negative thoughts. Also because this situation causes such insecurites in me, ive become quite jealous of anyone that goes near him, women on the tv, his ex's, his friends etc

Im sure this is a natural reaction to everything weve been through but i am killing our relationship with these negative thoughts. So i have taken myself away from him.

I love him dearly but theres no point being around him when i feel like this because ill make him unhappy too.

He now says hes over everything and ready to start planning a future with me, i absolutely believe him, i feel loved and cared for but hes going to have to wait. He has put these insecurities in my head and just because hes over everything doesnt mean i am. I made the decision to have a break from him and i feel more positive already as it was my decision. Im going to ensure that i do my best to get over everything I have whirling round my head and then go back to him healed and ready to love him again

Hope this helps x

Jun 07, 2012
insecure
by: Anonymous

we have been friends for 1yr him conviding in me and telling me secrets about his relationship then,about 3mnths in their relationship she dropped him for another guy,he was devistated and wanted to commit suicide because he loved her too much and treated her like a princess,then i became the one he always turned to,who helped him through everything and he later on told me that he had fallen in love with me while i did not see him in that way i was just comforting him as i would have done for someone else,we started dating and i learned to love him,his family hated his ex and loved me so that was a relieve,he wasn't his ex gf's first she had multiple partners and an abortion from someone else,he is my first sexual partner at first we got along very well i could really see how much he appreciates me and his ex and her friends hated me because she wanted him back,now we are dating for 2yrs and are talking about marriage me and his ex gf are now friends i kind of understand where she is coming from and did what she did bt the problem is i am feeling insecure because she has joined the army and are doing fine and i am unemployed and still a student struggling to get work we fight more often,he gives me words like i am useless,a slut for talking to other men,lazy for not working..if a want to leave he says that he would kill himself because i am his everything bt the words hurts me and i am starting to believe what he is saying,i love him very much because he is a good person,one night when he gave me words i asked him if he had ever talked to his ex that way or said she is a slut and he said NO,that really hurted me because who is she and who am i? He is tge only one who have ever slept with me and she had many,i am constintly depressed dont know why i am feeling as if i dont know myself anymore because when he met me i was an independent,strong women without depending on anyone with him around i must constantly do as he says its more as if he wants to change me,i am so confused

Jun 21, 2012
Insecure
by: Anonymous

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost nine months, we are fourteen , but we have a lot in common, and we really like each other . A few days ago, we got into a fight, practically about our exs. He's mad because I'm best friends with my ex, and I was mad because he called his ex "hot". we broke up for a few days a while back because I cheated on him, but I tried to stop the guy from kissing me, he wouldn't.. (He eventually forgave me for cheating, because he understands how it happened, and it wasn't all my fault). He broke up with me because everyone was making fun of him, and when we broke up, the girlfriend of the guy I cheated with, called my boyfriend and said how much she's misses him and everything, he said it all back, but he says he only did because they were going through the same thing, cheating significant others, but he just wanted to tell her what she wanted to hear. Like I said, we got into a fight, and he said his ex was hot, and he's thought she was hot for the past 3 years, or since she moved here. This makes me really insecure, and paranoid, because they live near each other... And I don't trust my boyfriend due to broken promises... What should I do? I am becoming depressed because of this, and I don't know what to do about it... Help!

Jun 25, 2012
same here!
by: honeyviem

I am married with my husband and we have 1 beautiful baby girl. But until now i can say that I'm stalking my husband's ex gf..for the reason before we got married the girl sent me a message in my facebook account that they are together again and fixing everything between them, well, that is one of the reason I went back to my home country just to be sure that he is mine and will be mine forever. what should i do not to be insecure?

Jul 03, 2012
similar situation
by: Anonymous

My husband and I have been married for 4yrs now and we have a daughther but our relationship is not healthya,cos we hardly communicate,we hardly have sex,like once in 3 months, he always seems sad.but he is always in contact with his ex,follows her on facebook and still keeps her photos,I found a message he wrote to her on her bday of hw he luvs and misses her,am so sad about this,he comments on every of her facebook photos of how proud he is of her,I find this very disrepctful not insecurity cos am more attractive than her,he is never sorry for any thing and tries to defend his actions.I feel he doesn't love anymore am contemplating leaving him but I just need advice on what to do.thanks.

Jul 29, 2012
my husband live in with his ex girlfriend
by: Anonymous

My situation is worst than you, i been married with a usa guy and he decide to go back to his country because he need to work to support me. im 5mons pregnant and the worst situation is that they live in the same house because they invested that in the past. Everytime i think about them at night i cannot help not to feel insecure but,, i cannot help it. they always tell me they love each other as bro and sis.whenever we have arguement about her he always stand up for her makes me feel insecure. they live in for 16yrs but they have no child and worst is that she support him for financial needs i wonder what will be the repay. i know it is wrong to think negative about them. obviously they still the love birds back up for each other. i even think maybe they have plan for my baby (at this moment my husband is jobless and she is the one who sending my allowance) is there anyone can help me what should i do? ty and god bless us all...

Aug 25, 2012
Insecure and untrusting
by: Claire T.

Hey,

I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 24 and I know most people will just assume I'm immature and stupid, but I'm not. I am not a trusting person. I've been hurt by someones past before so it's difficult for me in this new relationship where my boyfriend was engaged a year ago. She cheated on him so they broke up. This was never a major deal for me until I found videos of her and nude images etc. I felt sick. I hated him at that point and to be honest I hated myself. He said he didn't even know they were still there and that he hadn't used the laptop for over a year. I believe him but that isn't the issue. I am now constantly comparing myself to her. I am nothing like her. Personality or physically. I am constantly thinking whether he thinks about her when he is with me and if he really wishes he still had her and I'm just the next best thing. He had also once refered to me using her name...an honest mistake yes but it still cut deep and I was furious. I have no confidence at the moment and he doesn't understand why it gets to me so much. The relationship is suffering but I can't get out of this head space. Knowing others feel this way however helps. At least I'm not crazy. Ladies, I think all of us need to realise we are fantastic, beautiful and smart women because once we realise it our men will notice even more. Don't ever think you are not good enough for someone or that their exes are better because they aren't.

Aug 28, 2012
Insecurities about his ex I understand
by: crystal

I understand completely... it has been years and that kind of thing never gets out of your head sweetie.. I am in the middle of this myself and you are right about something.. we have to get to a place where we are no longer caring what they think. Find a man who thinks you are as great as you think you are and would never even want his x back.

mine went back to his ex and then came back to me but the scars are there for a lifetime and the things he said cant be taken back so I am understanding of what your saying.. he also had to wipe out photos and stuff like you described but i am haunted by images too.


Sep 14, 2012
I have been stuck here for decades
by: Anonymous

I didn't know others felt this way. I thought I was the only one and just crazy. My husband was my first date at 15. We dated all through high school but broke up some for a time during then but always got back together. We took our sexual exploration slow and didn't have sex until I was 18. We got engaged when I turned 19. He got a job with a wild group of construction workers and I as a lifeguard. He would come back telling stories of bars, dancing, and prostitutes but said he never partook. I got jealous. I broke up with him and starting running around with other girls that were some of these girls his new friends ran with and I got a little nuts over a very handsome guy not associated with them. When this guy ( and also his friend) tried to get me to have a sexual relationship with them I turned them down and wanted my boyfriend back. I found he was sleeping with a girl that was very promiscuous ( I saw her sleep with a guy one night and come to find out this was during the time she was seeing my boyfriend). I gave up for a few weeks before I decided I had to try. We got back together but he still went back to her for sex at least once. The thing is, I don't know how many times even after we were supposed to be a couple and engaged again. He blamed me. He said awful, mean things to me and told me what she knew how to do that I didn't and how she was built. This has been decades ago and our marriage is great but the pain from then is still there. She is married and has kids as we do. My husband is now a very religious man and reads his Bible every night. I know we are not the same people we were then but still I hurt because I don't feel good enough. I see here and I compare myself even though he said she doesn't come close to me. The words from our youth, when he was angry echo through the years and I don't know what to do. I have nobody to talk to. A few weeks ago I noticed her as a friend of his on FB. I got upset but didn't say anything but he knew something was wrong. I told him and he removed her and said all he got from her was a Happy Birthday on his birthday and he said thank you to her. But, why would he accept her request if he knew all the pain this has caused me for years?

Sep 15, 2012
Ex factors
by: Anonymous

Curiosity and open doors r not good combo. If there is still interest there will be contact. At least he removed her but he could use an alias to contact her now that he knows how or perhaps she initiated contact as he said n his removing her made a good point. Trust is huge only u know if he is trustworthy.

May 24, 2013
understand the feelings
by: Anonymous

Hi, I have been with my guy for 14 months and when we started dating he admitted having an ex-girlfriend that cheated on him a few times...finally he understood they would never have a future and walked away with deep regrets and sadness. A few months into us dating he actually blurted out that he was still talking to her and very in love with her but that they were 'just friends'. I was devastated to hear this, as I expected she was history. He said if i was upset about it I could tell him to end contact, which I did. I wished he had decided to end it himself and didn't ask me to state that out loud...it put me in the position of being the bad guy for making him turn away from her for good. However, I didn't want to date someone who was still pining for another and not really ready for a healthy loving relationship. He did contact her to say it was done, not to call and he wouldn't be calling again.
Fast forward eight months, I accidentally stumbled onto donation receipts for her kid's schooling in another province. When I confronted him he said it was something she had asked of him during their last conversation and he told her he would do. I wish he had come clean and said all of this 8 months ago, because finding this information now makes me wonder what else isn't he telling me? I am not the snoopy, insecure girlfriend but I can't help but wonder if he's hiding anything else. What else am I going to stumble over? I do not have his email passwords/cell phone code and I do not want to mistrust him and start snooping...however, it would be nice to have definite confirmation that contact has actually stopped and he's being honest with me. We are planning our future together and I want to make sure he's committed to me and not having her on the side. He always said he was more in love with her than she was with him and she refused to consider him her boyfriend the entire time they were together and yet he still feels attachment?? I don't understand that thinking at all. Why bother mourning someone who treated him so badly?
I find his attachment for her to be an insult to the love we share, especially since we're planning to wed. If I learn she's still in the picture then I will walk away forever, even though it would rip my heart to shreds. What am I supposed to do?

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