Insecurities about his ex-girlfriend

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Insecurities about his ex-girlfriend

I met my partner about a year ago but called things off as I had just come out of another relationship and needed time for myself. However, we remained close friends and there was always something between us. We got together officially 6 months ago but i found out (through snooping, more being nosy than insecure i think) that he slept with his ex at christmas, just before we got back together. I was devastated, despite the fact we were not together then, as this behaviour is completely out of character (he is so honest and has strong morals) and his ex was his first love. I feel i have to compete with her - she is physically much more attractive than me. I can't stop thinking about her and although he assures me he loves me i can't help thinking he could rather be with her. I know this is negative behaviour and i need to stop but i have no idea how.

To make things worse my partner and i will be living in different towns for the foreseeable future and i am already really worried what is going to happen. I don't want to lose him and he said he would be devastated if things went wrong but i can't stop feeling so insecure and thinking that the worst is going to happen. I trust him completely but my negativity and fear of being hurt makes him think i don't. I really need to build more confidence in my relationship but particularly in myself otherwise i am going to ruin a good relationship. Any advice would be gratefully received. Thank you.

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Insecurities about his ex-girlfriend

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Aug 04, 2008

Insecurities
by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

Hi,

I think what you're feeling is actually quite common in new relationships. It can feel kind of scary and overwhelming when you get to that point where you think you're ready to commit to someone and also to open yourself up to them. So, you're going to worry that as soon as you're vulnerable, he's going to dump you for the previous love. Also, very common to compare yourself to the other person.

But, first, do you feel comfortable that he is over his previous girlfriend? Is he still in contact with her or was Christmas time the last time? That would be a good clue for you. If he hasn't had any contact with her since then, it's a really good sign that he's committed to you.

Do you know why they broke up? That might also put your mind at rest a little too. If he thinks she's a total fruit loop then you know there's less chance he'll go back to her.

Don't worry about the fact that you think she's prettier than you. First, I bet she isn't. You just think she is. But, secondly, even the most beautiful women in the world aren't always the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. When you're looking for that one special person, you're looking for far more than just how they look. You want the person that brings out the best in you, that person that brings joy and laughter to your life, that person who's there when you need someone, that person who listens to you and is just that safe haven when you need it.

So, if you're sure he's let her go and he's willing to make you his number one priority, then focus on that. Focus on how you can make your long distance relationship work. What can you do to show him that you're thinking about him and that you care about him? What can you do to make your relationship work? Keep focusing on that instead of what can go wrong.

Focus on the best that can happen, not the worst. Also, work on having really good communication between you. That will be key for you with having a long distance relationship. Sometimes, a long distance relationship can actually end up being a good thing because it does force you to have better communication than if you saw them every day for instance. There's no time for head games and not being clear with each other in a long distance relationship.

Good luck with it. Let me know if you want more suggestions. But, basically, focus on what you want and ask yourself "how" are you going to achieve it. That will keep your mind moving forwards in a positive way instead of getting stuck with the negative thoughts.

Feb 12, 2009

same problem
by: Anonymous

I've been married for a few years now and have exactly the same problem you have. I am admitting to be insecure about his ex-girlfriend basically because she is much better looking than I am. I think my main problem is that he has a lot of cute exes and they are around us all the time because of common friends. This is turning my life into a nightmare and ruining our relationship. If you want yours to work make sure to avoid having his ex around you by any means. I get the feeling he regrets not marrying her every time I see her, maybe because we are not on good terms but I still miserable about that. I'll pray for you..please do the same for me

Mar 30, 2009

Hi
by: Alys

Hi, my name is Alys. I am so surprised, your story is so similar to mine that its scary.

I met my boyfriend just over 1 year ago and as well called things off in the beginning because i didnt think we had enough in common and then saw him again a few months later and things started again and i realised that we were perfect for each other. I had found some photo's on his computer (yes, i snooped a little!) They had date stamps on them and were taken between the time that we had met and gotten back together. I also found some intimate photo's of them and it made me feel sick. They were also taken at that time. I was so mad at him because he had told me he hadnt been with anyone (especially not her). He did tell me that he went with friends to her birthday party but nothing had happened. And then to find these intimate photo's of them and just normal photo's of her, i was gutted.
I cant help but be insecure of her now, having seen them together like that it kills me even now and this was 2-3 months ago.

He is so loving with me and told me when i found them that they meant nothing and he didnt realise he still had them. I feel so jelous and obsessed with it and im not sure how to do deal with it.

We live together and he always talks with me about marriage, but every now again i see the photo's in my head and i want to cry..

I wish there was something i could do to not think about her. I constantly check her facebook just to see a photo of her. She is tall and blonde and beautiful and even though she has a boyfriend and hasnt tried it in awhile she has tried to talk to him and get back with him.

How are you going and how have you managed to deal with it?

Alys :D

Mar 31, 2009

You're wrecking your own relationship
by: Anonymous

Does he have pictures of you on his computer? Yes, right?

Are you pretty sure he isn't seeing her? Yes, right?

If you think he lied about the pictures, has he lied about other things? Probably not, right?

If you think the relationship is in the past, then let her go. You're the one keeping her in the relationship. He isn't. You are.

Checking her facebook picture and comparing yourself to her is only wrecking your own relationship. Stop looking at it. The next time you want to look at it, tell yourself Stop. Or Not helpful.

Think about what you can do for your own relationship. Are there places you can go, things you can do, maybe plan the wedding. What are you going to call your kids? Do you want to buy a house together? Where would it be, what would it look like?

Thinking about her all the time is only going to push him away. And, you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

As Catherine says in one of her articles you're thinking about what you don't want. You don't want him to be with her. Thinking about what you don't want doesn't get you anywhere. Read Catherine's article how to stop feeling bad, http://www.life-with-confidence.com/feeling-bad.html Think about what you do want.

Let her go. He's with you now. He's planning to marry you, not her. She's in the past. Leave her there.

Apr 06, 2009

Helpless N Confused
by: lucky charms

My problem is very similar! I have been married for 2 years! And I can't stand my husband's ex girlfriends! Last year one of them called his brother's house looking for him? That made me soooo mad! Then there is another one that ran into his sister at a bar, and started talking about things he did in their past, and basically just talking shit! That made me so upset! What does that mean? I feel insecure about his ex's because he always use to talk about them, and a year after we were married he still had their names as his pass codes! I don't think they are prettier then me, so I'm not insecure about that, But why do they keep on looking for him? And continue to have anger about something that happened 5 years ago? This is interfering with our marriage.

Jul 17, 2009

hate it
by: Anonymous

I am still going through the same as the other woman here, i am with my boyfriend for 4 years we have a 19 month old son... when i first met him he said i am still friends with my ex i said ok i still talk to some of my ex's also, but little did i realize that he meant he is still taking care of his ex.

She would call every day even with the fact she was with someone. And if she wanted to she would call at 4 in the morning. It was out of control.

I told him this is just wrong. Being friends is one thing but you are still here for her whenever she needs you.

So anyway 4 years later i said it's her or me he says me and now i see she is working her way in through his friends always asking to hang out with the group and not caring that i already said to her that i do not want to hang out with her or be her friend... this is crazy i feel like am i the only one that thinks it odd that this whole group meaning my boyfriend and all his friends, think i would want to hang out with her. it been a long 4 years but i am finally getting to the point that enough is enough. A lot of people say ow but he loves you and she is just needy etc etc. I feel like this it's none of my business if his friends want to be in contact with her all i can say is i don't want to be where she is if you want her at a party or whatever let me know so i can decline i don't think it's right for everyone to expect me to accept her when i am with this guy.

Nov 01, 2009

SAME PROBLEM!!!
by: Anonymous

I was hoping to find some stupid solution for how to stop being so insecure over my usbands ex but guess not. And it has been like 12 years, so I wish I could say it gets better. The weird thing is I know he does not love her or respect her at all. She left he and their son when their son was 6 and he is 19 now. I really was not even interested in him I was 19 he was 27. His son, who is now my son stole my heart away. We now have 2 other children 9 and 4. There is always this nagging sensation about it. I dont know why? I am like you, I think she is prettier than me. My mother tells me its all in my head. But whats your mother going to say, sorry honey you are ugly!! We have a wonderful sex life (not to get personal), but I am told this is a good indicator of the health of a relationship.. We will be married for 11 years this year. About the fifth or sixth year, I had an affair, not really affair, but I was intimate with someone else. And the stupid thing is I did it out of insecurity which he would never believe. Its crazy, and it is probably self esteem issues on my part. But it still drives me crazy every once in a while, I will go for months and not give it a thought, but then all of the sudden it will hit me. I think it hit me this time because the 19 year old just got married. His mother hadnt really seen her own son in years but she needed to be there, she needed to see the wonderful person he had grown up to be. When I walked in the church he said to me, I reserved the front row for my parents. I said oh that is okay, I understand. I was so hurt, distraught, overwhelmed, and as the usher walked me to my seat, I saw that my seat was in the front row in front of hers. That is a moment I will cherish forever. And yet I am still insecure. I was checking her out, without checking her out, which i am sure was so noticeable. I thought now what the !@#$ did he see in her, we could not be more opposite. But ofcourse, I had to tell myself she was prettier than me. I had to compare myyself to her in every way, and wonder hmmm... what did he see in her. Did she do this and that better. It makes no sense but I hope it goes away someday. God bless you all I will be praying for your worries to go away and mine too!

Jul 09, 2010

similar thing
by: Anonymous

I am going through a very similar thing at the moment. My boyfriend and I met 2 years ago but after 6 months I called it off because I thought we had nothing in common.
It hurt like hell breaking up but I tried to move on and started seeing someone else. 6 months later I realised I was still in love with him and we got back together. I asked him if I had got with anyone else while we were apart and he told me he'd had a drunken hook up with a work colleague. At the time I was fine with that. I mean, I was in a relationship with someone else and this was just a one night thing, but now, almost a year later I am having real trouble dealing with it. I can't get her out of my head and constantly compare myself to her.
I too have checked her facebook page so much just to see a picture of her and realise that she is so much prettier than me, tiny and blonde. I know this is crazy behaviour but I can't get it out of my head, even though I was with someone else too, more so in fact.
Rationally I know im being crazy, my boyfriend loves me and is so loyal but I do find myself thinking that he doesn't love me as much anymore. And I know she is only a factor because I keep bringing her up but I don't know how to stop the thoughts.
I hope I can be positive enough and believe in myself enough to let these thoughts go and realise that being thin and blonde doesnt mean everything. And I hope you all find belief in yourselves too. You are all beautiful.

Dec 28, 2010

Don't know what to do :-(
by: Anonymous

So my boyfriend and i have been together for 5 months. he told me the last person he had sex with was a girl that he is also friends with. I didn't think anything of it because I was sure i would never have to see her. So her name comes up every now and then but on a friendly tip, i cringe everytime I hear it because I know that he has touched kissed and looked at her sexually. Not to mention she's gorgeous, I m very attractive but on a scale i would be an 8 and she would be an infinite 10.

On christmas of this year we planned to be together, but at the last minute he decided to go over the girls house for a "last minute get together"... We talked about it and I expressed exactly how i felt. Then he tells me that the girls gave me a big bag of old jeans that she doesn't want anymore... ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? He has no clue that i have ill feeling toward the girl but when the topic comes up about why I never looked through the bag of clothes it going to come up.

Ive never met the girl before, and no i do not need the jeans, I don't even have room for the ones i have. I'm sure there's some in there i would like, but i can't bring myself to open the bag... I don't want to lose him, he's perfect for me, but my intuition is going bananas and ive been down this road before, I can't bring myself to do it again.

he has another friend that he had sex with (before we were together) and they are still close friends. He has a bad memory, and he told me once that she still liked him. After that conversation, my liking for the friend was done. i haven't met this one either, but he's dying to meet me... i'm guessing to size me up. I don't have th patience for this. i put my wall back up, even though he hasn't noticed, but I do want to work through this. I see potential in us. what should I do?

Mar 31, 2011

Past'
by: Anonymous

Hi
It's really hard when you know full well the guy loves you but has been with others, fact is "what you don't know won't hurt you", I mean what has happened in his past should stay there, aslong as nothing over laps with your relationships then why let it eat you up!
My boyfriend and I have a 15 month old girl and been together 2 yrs 4 months, but he was with his ex 10 yrs, they had an amazing life together, were getting married etc until he found out she was a cow...anyway they were split 3 yrs before we dated, but she does my head in! 1st as I live in their house and find her stuff still even some jeans the other day 2nd he doesn't want to get married now which makes me feel like I am not good enough! She is prettier then me, better body (fake) and taller! It all gets to me BUT everyone of his friends say "we have never seen him so happy" etc, I think part of it is because of our daughter and part of it is me, our family unit works and I have to learn to let the past go, in doing so I delete my facebook account as it's rubbish and not really life!
Work on what's real and not the things you make up in' your head from facebook, photos messages! If he tells you he loves you, then he does, remember MEN are very matter of fact about things they don't say things they don't mean!! And who ever this women is I bet she doesn't worry or think about you half as much, so don't give her the time!
Love you, love your life and live for what you have! Good luck take care and talk about it, if it bothers you! X

Apr 13, 2011

me too!!!
by: kristine

my partner and i has been together for 9 years now.and we have two kids .i found her ex girlfriend(live in partner) thru facebook i used some of my sources to get in touch with her,i came close and pretend to be my partner,get in touch with her.i discovered some serius stuff identifying how serious they were befor,the girl was so close with my partners family...i really was frustrated when i found out they met somewhere.im rili confused..we will be getting married on may 3.i would like to ask my partner about what i found out but i know he will not answer me back/tell sumthing about it..i just want t know whats true..

Jul 05, 2011

What should I do?
by: Anonymous

I don't know it's a weird feeling I love this guy alot and we been together for less then a year and we are talking about getting married but recently I found pictures of him and his gf he said he will get rid of those .. Which he did but saved his first gf pic from prom and one more of them going on vacation... But he lied to me saying that he only saved the prom picture and hided the other one... He says he loves me alot... What should I do.? He wants to work things up but doesn't wanna get rid of his and his ex picture ...

Jul 28, 2011

married the man who broke my heart and I am having a hard time forgetting the past and letting it go invovles an x girlfriend
by: crystal snow

Well, when I met my future husband we dated got into a relationship and he had been talking to his x claiming they are just friends but it was over. he told me how it was not just one thing but that he just was not into her. Then he would bring her up he now claims that was to push me away and might of been to protect himself but i am not sure of that . His words followed in actions eventually we broke up and he went back and slept with her and pursued others.. he then came back to me and I refused to look at him for about a month and we went into therapy on my urging due to my attempt to break up after he had some sort of enlightenment to what his words and actions can cause. I wanted to understand and make sure that I did not just end up dating some liar.. then i found emails that dated back to when we were together and 3 weeks before he broke up with me to both women. I was devestated but he put an end to the friendships and took steps to work on re building trust. I cannot get over it. I bring it up and when I see her in public I get sick to my stomach. She is much older and looks it so I should feel good that I am far better looking. I believe I am but then I start to question if he could go back to that then what the hell ?? now i am married and I should feel better but I cannot get over it. I would say to anyone who is thinking of marrying someone who ever betrayed you for someone else NOT to do it.. yet i think if we get through this we should end up stronger than anything and that is the thing I believe the real issue is trust and being able to love and know you're safe in the relationship that nobody could dare come between you. In my case someone did more than one did and that is what bites!

Oct 10, 2011

Scared.
by: Anonymous

So. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years. Our relationshipis very slow because I have morals and values. Althoguht he constantly tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me etc. He is always talking to his ex-girlfriend behind my back. I have told him time and time again that I dont like them talking because I think all she is doing is trying to ge t back with him. He assures me everytime that I am all he wants. I dont understand why they cant quite talking then. I have an uneasy feeling he is cheating on me. What should I do? I am already to attached to him to let go. I jsut dont want to get hurt again. And everytime I confront him of how I feel he starts getting mad accusing me of not trusting him. I just dont kow what to do anymore.! And I am very insecure as it is because I have his friends telling me to lose weight. Im so confused!

Oct 29, 2011

OMG SAME!
by: Rachey

My fiancee and i have been together for nearly 2 and a half years now but the way we got together wasnt nice atall! we were very close online...i was living in scotland and him in england...we would talk everyday about everything and anything for about 2 years and there was always feelings there, we would flirt even though he had a girlfriend....and i thought he was only with her because he couldnt be with me and thats what he still says..but he would still talk about her and say he loved her to me at the time?....he says its because he was trying to make me jealous or put a barrier there because he didnt think we could be together because of the distance....he says he didnt even think she was pretty and that i shouldnt worry because she looks much better in her pictures, also he didnt like the fact that she was really skinny. he says i am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen but i recently saw old comments on her pictures saying how beautiful and sexy she was and how much he loved her and how lucky he was etc despite him saying he didnt have feelings for her and didnt like her (even though he was with her for a year and 2 months and she was his first serious girlfriend) he said he wrote those comments because he felt like he should...being with her and all (trying to make it convincing to her that he liked her) but they sounded very genuine to me......then towards the end of their relationship he actually told me he was in love with me and they split up and he phoned me in tears (which i dont get) but he says that its only because it made him feel not good enough and he hated that because he already had such a low opinion of her....but anyway he was telling me he was in love with me etc...and we were meeting 2 weeks later and sharing a tent at a festival....so he was giving me the feeling we were going to be together ...but then he met up with this other girl and had sex with her the next day after telling me he loved me! and didnt tell me...i later had to find out they had got together and i had to pretend i was happy for him because i didnt want to lose him as a friend....he told me how much he liked her etc and said he thought she was the one because they even had the same toothbrush...incredibly stupid and immature i know but it still hurt....anyways he was with this girl but we still met up at the festival and things ended up happening he said i was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and we slept together 5 times and he told me on the first night that he was deeply in love with me....the next day he felt bad and i said did you like her alot then and he said "i liked her enough not to do that to her" so that made me feel shit and below her and that he had made a mistake....i said if you want to go back to her i wont say anything i just want you to be happy...we can forget it and he said "i dont know" which obviously made me doubt his feelings for me ...

Oct 29, 2011

part 2
by: Rachey

and then i got on a bus back to scotland which he waved me onto in tears...he went back to london and spoke to his step dad about what he should do he said he wanted to be with me but i was so far away...should he stay with her because shes closer...but he ended up calling her and telling her and we got together....then i asked him why he went with her in the first place because i feel like he chose her over me....he told me he loved me and then slept with someone he didnt know...he said he went to meet her with no intentions of that happening that he was hurting because he couldnt be with me and wanted some company to keep his mind off it...he then said he felt pressured into having sex with her then after that had happened he thought....well im having sex with someone else maybe this will help me move on....so he said that he was with her only to move on from me! i dont know if i can believe it and i know he wasnt with me but it feels like he cheated on me....i feel like both his exs are so much better and i constantly check their facebooks hoping to see a bad picture so i can feel better about myself...but i always end up feeling worse...again he said he didnt think this girl was attractive in the slightest...but he chops and changes his mind...he has said in the past he thought she was pretty....but he says now that he said it to make himself sound like a less horrible person ( to make it sound like he didnt use her completely ) its disgusting but he said the only reason he could have sex with these two unattractive girls is by thinking about me ....but i am not blind and i know theyre not unattractive...im a fat mess with no confidence and these girls are skinny and beautiful...he says he likes that im bigger and he likes dark haired girls...but they both have blondeish hair....i feel like im the opposite of his usual type...and he said to me before if he could choose his dream girl shed be a size 12 with green eyes....im a size 16 with blue eyes...his first gf had green eyes etc and it just makes me feel like he wants her...i dont know if i can believe what he says ....he has messed me about and changed his story so many times...i dont know what to do...it doesnt help that im always talking about them and always comparing myself to them...i know its not healthy i need help PLEASE?! someone tell me how it is lol?! he gets so angry and says that they are disgusting to him and im so beautiful but sometimes i feel like hes angry because hes stuck with me....thanks (rant over lol)

Jan 03, 2012

EX
by: Anonymous

I just read I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper. You can get it on Amazon or other bookstores. It helped me to deal with so many issues that I had with my fiance's ex - who I really hated!! Now, my relationship is perfect :) xxx

Jan 29, 2012

Happy to share my story too
by: Anonymous

I am too dealing with feeling that way about my partners ex as well, they were together for 3 and a half years and had been over for two years before i came on the scene she would call and text him all the time and seem like she was jealous if he was out with girls she dumped him but yet had a go at me when he asked her to stop calling and move on , it bothered me a lot because i did not know they were still in contact. I became very insecure about it and stared to doubt myself this girl is not all that attractive and from what i hear she had a crap personality but yet i still felt inferior to her as they had shared a lot together, at the end of the day he is with you and loves you . I found every time we would fight i would bring her up then get mad at him for speaking about her , it my insecurity and its something i have to work on no one can help me the ball is in my court. I have looked her up on line and checked her fb I've felt crazy doing it , I recently heard she had lost weight and straight away my mind went to oh she must look better then me I had to change my thinking to oh yeah who cares Im in good shape so why worry about someone else . Its the hardest thing to let go of especially when you have been doing your head in over it for a while but by continuing it your going to wreck your relationship . Its a step by step process and I am in the mist of stopping myself from being silly at the end of the day all that matters is the future and nothing more , when you think or look at her you validate her and most of the time there is no need for it . That was a long post but hope it helps : )

Jan 29, 2012

I had the same issue
by: Anonymous

I have been with my man for 2 years and he was with his ex for 3 and a half years she dumped him then went on to call him and text all the time as they agreed to be friends , I was not aware of them talking until i found out through someone else my partner did not tell me because he knew i didn't like her still he should have but we have worked that out now. She was then aware that i knew of them talking and didn't like it and continued to do so , i found this very disrespectful as i meet my partner before they started going out and i stopped calling him while they were together as a sign on respect for their relationship . Long story short i use to felt really inferior to this girl i would look her up on line and try to get as much information on her as possible out of my boyfriend , i was very insecure and it nearly wrecked my relationship i found out that she had lost weight and was like oh no she must look better then me which she is not at all i just got caught up in the insecurities that i had . You need to remember who he comes home to and understand every time you think of her or talk about her you validate her in your life its not healthy for anyone she probably doesn't give you a second thought so why give her that either. The best thing to do is get on with your life i find that the best revenge to anyone even though that's not what you should try to get on her just forget about her be happy being in love and looking ahead life is to short to let the past weigh down what could be a very happy future don't deny yourself that your WORTH IT !!!

Jan 30, 2012

: )
by: Anonymous

The last two posts are both mine i didn't think it worked , hope they help : )

Feb 03, 2012

My boyfriend has been contacted by his ex and now he has mixed feelings
by: Anonymous

Four years ago I met a man that lives across the street. We became very close friends, in fact best friends. He was in a rollercoaster relationship and cried on my shoulder many times. She dumped him over the phone and returned to her old boyfriend. When she found out we were dating she began contact. SHe drove 40 miles and waited for him for hours while he was with me. They talked for hours and he later told her he didn't feel comfortable speaking to her anymore and asked her to respect our relationship. The contact did not stop. A few weeks ago she showed up while I was at his house. I behaved like a lady but I did ask what was going on. He was disturbed and said she acted inappropriately. That visit stirred up memories and now our relationship is deteriorating. He said he has come to the realization that the chemistry between them will never be the same, she cannot compromise, she is not trustworthy, etc. I asked him if he felt our relationship was salvageable and after a few seconds he emphatically said yes. The following evening he came over and was very affectionate. Normally he waives goodbye in the morning and he text messages me but I have not heard a peep today. He is a doctor and I am an accountant. He said we have what people envy but he is still on the fence. Should I just drop off the radar for a while? She said she wants what we have, a solid friendship and then marriage. However, in my opinion their foundation is full of cracks and he agrees. It's tough to be strong and not to contact him. Please advise.

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