Can't Get Over the Past
I was married and had my son when I was sixteen and my daughter when I was 20. I am now 41 and been cheated on multiple times. My first husband messed around several times and eventually met someone on the internet and left the kids and I when they were little and moved across the country with her.
I got re-married a couple years later to an older man who was controlling and abusive and he too messed around on me. I was seeing a guy who I found out was going back and sleeping with his ex-wife.
My father messed around on my mother and my brother on his wife. I have lost all trust in men and I long to have that trusting relationship but I don't know how it's possible. My boyfriend and I have been living together for 5 months now and he is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me.
The problem is I can't get past these fears that if I let down my guard he's gonna mess around on me and I know that I am pushing him away..I know this and I know it's gonna end up ending if I can't stop but I have so much fear in me that I am willing to be alone then be hurt one more time. I want to be married to him and he treats me like gold and I have no doubt we would have everything we wanted with each other if I could move on and trust him.
It is so bad I've tried going on every depression med's possible. I am on anxiety med's also when I need it. I don't want all this medication but I am making myself sick to the point where it's affecting my whole life. He is an airbrush artist who's been in magazines and is well known so this makes it even harder for me because I like to keep to myself and hide from everyone so that I don't get hurt. This isn't going to work very well in the business he is in.
I don't know what to do except let him go and tell him he needs to find someone who can be able to trust him and not have all these insecurities and fears. That is not an option I want to turn to but I just dont know what else to do. I wish I could just close my eyes and wake up different but it doesn't work that way.