Who am I? Finding out that my father is not my biological father.

by Shallyn

In 1992 after having my first child, my Mother decides to tell me that my Dad is not my biological father. I was 24 years old and completely devastated. My Mother told me this out of her own hurt and bitterness toward my Dad, hoping by telling me this it would hurt him instead. I felt myself falling into a depression shortly after but mentally blocked it from my mind knowing I had to take care of my daughter. A year later, I had a panic attack and found my "demons" coming to surface. I spent three years in counseling and had to remove myself from my mother at the time. I found she was poison and I had to regroup myself. My counselor stated that when I first came to see him, I looked like I was ran over by an 18 wheeler and left to die. After three years, I found myself able to talk about the "situation" without having a full blown anxiety attack and my spiritual journey began. When my mother told me this, my biological father had been dead for 2 years. I met him one time when I was 17, but I did not know who he was.
I am 42 years old now and for 18 years I still remain without complete peace and find that the "situation" comes up and haunts me now and then. I found myself in some type of identity crisis for years. After seeking answers from spiritual guides, church, praying, counseling, etc., I still do not know how to let this go completely. It remains a shadow. I have finally told myself not seek answers from anywhere else and just wait on God to come through and bring me a peace that only he can give. I wanted to share my story here in hopes that reaching out, I may stumble upon "the answer".

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Feb 01, 2024
Discussion www.wcbm.com Saturdays 11am -12PM
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

We will discussing this and elder fraud deceit within the family on the "Ageless Innovators" radio show 680AM in Washington, DC or live on www.wcbm.com Saturday 2/3/24 at 11am to 12pm.

To FYD Wisdom
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your spirit of caring advocacy, for posting these links and, above all, thank you your huge heart.
Your mother, who CHOSE to betray you in the most egregious and unconscionable way in refusal of informing you as to who your biological father is, on the other hand, likely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As such, she is, therefore, completely, utterly incapable of empathizing with her victimization of you. So be cautious, be thoughtful where your investment in engaging her is concerned. Ensure appropriate boundaries. If you're not sure what those boundaries should look like/feel like, do research on "Family Systems Theory/Family Roles Theory/Family Dynamics" and "Cluster B Personality Disorder in a Parent".
Thank you again, for your dedicated spirit of support to others. You are certainly not someone with a deficit of compassion and empathy for others. Your mother's personality challenge prevents her from experiencing a sense of accountability/compassion/guilt for the inexpressible damage she has done in choosing to lie to you. She will not EVER be capable of demonstrating 'authentic' communications and behaviors, toward you, that communicate that she is aware of the wonderful human being that you are.
NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is not typically treatable. So, take care of 'yourself'. Develop/maintain reasonable expectations and safe distance with regard to spending time with her.It doesn't mean the relationship is destined for 'no contact' necessarily. Perhaps begin to re calibrate the nature of the dynamic between the two of you. Consider shifting the lion's share of your time and heart -the most private/personal aspects of yourself- with those you have certainty that you are receiving healthy, authentic, mutual love and respect from.

When we have been betrayed so catastrophically by the 'one' person we are socially cued, all our lives, to believe and expect a day to day demonstration of selfless protection where our well being as their child is concerned; We are innately more vulnerable to those types of people in our sphere of influence who are opportunistic and who seek to take advantage.So just be 'aware' of those types. If you 'get a feeling' that omeone isnt the who that they are presenting...Chances are they're not. Take care of you.
Thank you, again, for your wisdom and the helpful links. I will look forward to learning more about coping increasingly effectively regarding the betrayal by mothers who choose their own comfort level and pride over their child's right to pursue a relationship with their biological father.

"The best revenge is to not be like your enemy" Marcus Aurelius
by: FYDWisdom@gmail.com

Here is an interesting way to look at this test that has been thrust upon you. Email me anytime if you need to talk to someone who has been through exactly what you have, has 4 kids, and chooses to be a victor rather than a victim.........extkking@gmail.com

Kintsukuroi (金繕い?) (Japanese: golden repair)
The Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold or silver lacquer with an understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.
As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

Why does everyone on this board post anonymously? You have done nothing wrong. There is nothing to be ashamed of……seeking help during a challenging time in your life signifies intelligence and resilience. With the intent to better yourself and thrive independent from any circumstances life throws at you!
Good Read :
"Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart" by Dr. Gordon Livingston.
He was also adopted and met his mother late in life, but wasn’t lied to about it.

This is a repost from last year that you may find helpful from FYDWisdom@gmail.com. Search this site for FYDWisdom there is a lot of info posted overcoming this unfathomable situation.
Your mother, who CHOSE to betray you in the most egregious and unconscionable way in refusal of informing you as to who your biological father is, on the other hand, likely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As such, she is, therefore, completely, utterly incapable of empathizing with her victimization of you. So be cautious, be thoughtful where your investment in engaging her is concerned. Ensure appropriate boundaries. If you're not sure what those boundaries should look like/feel like, do research on "Family Systems Theory/Family Roles Theory/Family Dynamics" and "Cluster B Personality Disorder in a Parent".
True compassion and understanding is unattainable from my experience, even from professionals. That why it is essential to communicate on this board. I have done some initial research on the topics you mentioned in your post. I have spoken with many intelligent, informed people from this board, and have gleaned some positive insight. Keep the questions and information flowing. Understanding is the path to healing!

Family Systems Theory



The family systems theory is a theory introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen that suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family, as the family is an emotional unit. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system. According to Bowen, a family is a system in which each member had a role to play and rules to respect. Members of the system are expected to respond to each other in a certain way according to their role, which is determined by relationship agreements. Within the boundaries of the system, patterns develop as certain family member's behavior is caused by and causes other family member's behaviors in predictable ways. Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance in the family system, but also to dysfunction. For example, if a husband is depressive and cannot pull himself together, the wife may need to take up more responsibilities to pick up the slack. The change in roles may maintain the stability in the relationship, but it may also push the family towards a different equilibrium. This new equilibrium may lead to dysfunction as the wife may not be able to maintain this overachieving role over a long period of time.

Murray Bowen
Department of Psychiatry Georgetown
University Medical Center Washington, D.C


Family Systems theory assumes that all important people in the family unit play part in the way family members function
in relation to each other and in the way the symptom finally erupts. The part that each person plays comes about
by each "being himself." The symptoms of excessive drinking occurs when family anxiety is high. The appearance of
the symptom stirs even higher anxiety in those dependent on the one who drinks. The higher the anxiety, the more other
family members react by anxiously doing more of what they are already doing.

Cluster B Personality Disorder


Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. It's not necessary to exhibit all the signs and symptoms listed for a disorder to be diagnosed.

Antisocial personality disorder

Disregard for others' needs or feelings
Persistent lying, stealing, using aliases, conning others
Recurring problems with the law
Repeated violation of the rights of others
Aggressive, often violent behavior
Disregard for the safety of self or others
Impulsive behavior
Consistently irresponsible
Lack of remorse for behavior
Borderline personality disorder

Impulsive and risky behavior, such as having unsafe sex, gambling or binge eating
Unstable or fragile self-image
Unstable and intense relationships
Up and down moods, often as a reaction to interpersonal stress
Suicidal behavior or threats of self-injury
Intense fear of being alone or abandoned
Ongoing feelings of emptiness
Frequent, intense displays of anger
Stress-related paranoia that comes and goes
Histrionic personality disorder

Constantly seeking attention
Excessively emotional, dramatic or sexually provocative to gain attention
Speaks dramatically with strong opinions, but few facts or details to back them up
Easily influenced by others
Shallow, rapidly changing emotions
Excessive concern with physical appearance
Thinks relationships with others are closer than they really are

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Belief that you're special and more important than others Fantasies about power, success and attractiveness Failure to recognize others' needs and feelings Exaggeration of achievements or talents Expectation of constant praise and admiration Arrogance Unreasonable expectations of favors and advantages, often taking advantage of others Envy of others or belief that others envy you.....

Dec 28, 2023
Finding out that the man I truly thought was my dad, was not.
by: Anonymous

I'm 41yo. I found out that the dad I thought was my dad is not. My mother introduced me to a man as my God father when I came back to live with her after being abused by the father I thought was my dad from birth. I had no reason to believe anything different at the time. I realized how differently the (so called family) treated me VS the other children in the family. I wasn't allowed to go to Disney world when I was 7yo, with all the other children in my family. The only person who never changed on me was my grandma, the mans mom who was not the real father. Once she got dementia, the whole family switched up 100%. Before that, they stopped inviting me to things like weddings, family reunions, engagement parties (Everything family related). It's going on 2 years since I have removed myself and my children/grandchildren from that family and my mothers side. My mother couldn't even be an adult and talk with me. She denied everything just like the liar she's always been. When I became a teenager, then fully developed woman, she hated me even more. Resented me and I felt every bit of it while I was trying to be close to my mother. I'm the oldest of a million bastard kids but she has managed to get all of her other kids to go against me. The part that kills me often, is that EVERYONE in that family knew, including my mother and faked the whole time like I was part of the family, like they cared. I will never in my life go back to what was poisoning my whole life. I remember asking my mother if I was adopted when I was 10yo and she laughed at me. I knew but didn't know something was going on. I feel so sad and betrayed inside. I never will understand women who do this to their children. i will never forget that empty feeling inside of not knowing where I come from or what my genetics are. I remember my mother daughter she had after me found out. She had the nerve to say, "So that means I'm the oldest on my dads side" as if my feelings didn't matter. Like she was happy that I was hurting. Even made jokes about it. Saying that I look like all of these other men my mother slept with. I hate that whole family both sides.

Dec 06, 2023
Glad I found this site
by: Anonymous

y I guess half sister now. She forced our mom’s hand because that day I got a grim call from my "dad." I went over and begrudgely forgave my mom. Not sure I really meant it but didn’t like to see her that way. I hadn’t spoke to her for a couple months prior. One of the first times I seen my "dad" really cry was that Father’s Day. He didn’t think he’d hear from me. It still feels awkward from me when I’m around him or his family. He still wants to keep it from them to protect my mom. Therapist said looking at us they probably know. They never treated me "different." We’ve always had opposite personalities. I’ve spoken to my alleged dad on the phone but never met him. He knew who I was. He didn’t know my mom was married. He was too though. His wife knew who I was. Not sure if his kids do. Haven’t reached out to them. I’m still ashamed about the whole situation. I don’t see my mom in the same light and lost a lot of respect for her. I don’t want to get married. I figure my wife would cheat on me also

Sep 12, 2023
My sister found out- we didn’t know
by: Anonymous

Our mother took the secret to the grave. My sister, in her 40’s, just recently found out we don’t have same dad. I cannot understand all that she is feeling and how hard this must be but I really don’t understand why she refuses to have anything to do with our father- the only father she has known until now. She won’t reply to any of his messages of love. She has decided to have nothing to do with him. He didn’t know and wouldn’t have cared. Any insight you can provide to help us understand her reaction. Sending love to you all.

Aug 20, 2023
Can’t Change It - Accept It
by: Derek

I found out at age 47 that my mom had an affair and my dad wasn’t my biological dad and like many of you, the affair was a secret and my biological dad died just 2.5 years earlier.

Sure I was shook and found myself replaying my entire life and seeing signs along the way. But instead of getting mad, I got going meeting my new family and remembering that it was not my fault, I had nothing to do with it and as an adult, I am who I am by now and it just doesn’t matter. I can’t change the past and whatever my moms reasons were for lying my entire life were obviously self serving - but I’m happy to know the truth and the added information is just that - just information.

Remember to just be your best self, live for your kids and do a better job as a parent - keep God first and love yourself. You can’t choose your family. but you can choose who you allow to be active or part of your life!

Aug 04, 2023
Me Too!
by: C. Nazzy

I did Ancestry because I've always enjoyed learning the background stories of both sides of my family; Half German-Hungarian and half Italian/Sicilian. When I got my results I was really was only looking at that. This was confirmed, to a point. I didn't have time to investigate, didn't give it much thought, and then forgot about it. Fast forward about 8 months… something made me think I needed to check Ancestry and boom! Showed a first cousin I knew wasn’t. Called my mom to see what she knew; I asked who had the affair. Quiet for a couple of seconds, then she said, "Me." She told me a bs story I bought. 45 minutes later she’s at my house. She said, "It was you, you are the result of my affair." An electric shock went through me - was numb, sort of floating - like out of body. I blurted, "Well that’s why I never looked like my siblings!" I immediately told her I was not mad at her… at all… and I never have been.
You all know that feeling of your life is a lie - for me, it was 8/5/21 at age 58.
I cried for 3 days and I finally asked myself why. The man I thought was my father, the father of my 2 older brothers and younger sister, was not a good lifelong sort of dad. This man that I was crying for, that I did love, didn’t even acknowledge his own children near the end of his life; wrote us out of his will (he didn’t have much, but it was the point - cut me deep). He only cared about his 2nd wife’s daughters - he told my cousins they were his daughters. He had me on an emotional roller coaster most of my life I said to myself, "Hello, this jerk who beat up my mom and oldest brother… he’s not even your father!"

I’m not on social media, I gave the name of my bio dad to my friend. 5 minutes later she sent me a picture of him, in uniform, at about the age of 18. I couldn’t breathe as I stared at him… I was looking at my 18-year-old self… I looked exactly like my bio dad!

Through investigation, what my mom remembered, and also doing 23 & Me; I put all the pieces together. I have 10 total half brothers and sisters (including the 3 I grew up with), and 7 are alive today. After about a year of almost obsession, I got up the nerve to go meet my brother, unannounced at his auto shop. When I told him who I was, he didn’t doubt it for a minute - I look like them. Plus, apparently, my bio dad was a player, so they thought it could happen one day. He was kind and warm and I felt a connection immediately. I have met my older sister a few times for lunch and dinner and briefly met my youngest brother at my sister’s home. My sister stays in touch with me here and there and she has made it clear, she wants a relationship with me. The problem is that their mom is still alive, and lives with her, and mom doesn’t want the grandchildren to know. It is a little frustrating to wait and try to be patient, I mean I understand, I do - it just isn’t easy. It’s like my life is on hold and I just want to get on with it. I’m now 60, in bio dad’s family we range from 55 - 63, and we aren’t getting any younger. Another sister isn’t ready to meet me yet, and another brother is a very bad alcoholic they haven’t told him yet.

The 2 brothers I grew up with took it differently, 1 was upset with my mom at first - but I told him he couldn’t be mad, it’s about me and I’m not mad. I think he’s finally starting to get it, he told me he’s been listening to a podcast on the subject. The other was pretty surprised my mom had the guts to have an affair. Both think I’m the lucky one to not have the guy I thought was my dad, not be.

I feel as though I’ve had a type of rebirth - I was one for always living in the past - loved antiques - etc. Not so much now, I’m much more easygoing now than before. I try to think about the grand scheme of things and what really matters.

I’m excited about future possible relationships even though my husband feels a bit guarded, he doesn’t want me to get hurt. I have nothing to lose and so much to gain if I’m given the opportunity.

Jul 31, 2023
I Am Confused.
by: Anonymous

I found out that my father is not my real father 1 year ago by my cousin. I feel so confused, i feel sad. It's super confusing & complicated since then. The story is... my mom was raped by this guy. He's a celebrity in my country, he is famous and he's still alive. And i am really grateful there's someone who loves my mom which is my dad. I truly feels my life is like a movie.

And here is the thing, i want to find him & talk with him. It was such an irony for me to estabilished my career grip in entertainment industry. Since my parents is not supporting me but i keep forcing myself to not studying law because i just don't feel i enjoyed it. But right now.. i am fully awared that this and that makes sense... I feel sorry to my parents.

Probably i need someone to talk.. If you feel related, let's make a group guys.

Jul 26, 2023
To Anonymous - July 23, 2023
by: FYDWisdom

I understand that this is a complex and emotionally challenging situation for you. Discovering new information about your biological father and half-sister, especially under circumstances where your mother has been defensive, can trigger a wide range of emotions like anger, sadness, confusion, and betrayal. It's important to acknowledge and process these emotions in a healthy way to promote your overall wellbeing. Here are some things that worked for me 23 years ago this fall. Drawing from cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness practices, and self-compassion, to help you navigate through this difficult time:

1. Validate your emotions: Allow yourself to feel the emotions that arise without judgment. Recognize that it is entirely normal and understandable to feel a mix of emotions given the circumstances. Give yourself permission to grieve, be angry, and process these emotions without guilt.

2. Seek support: Consider finding a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, to talk about your feelings in a safe and non-judgmental space. Support from a professional can be invaluable in processing complex emotions and gaining clarity about your next steps.

3. Practice mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness practices, such as meditation and deep breathing exercises, to help you stay present and reduce emotional reactivity. Mindfulness can help you observe your emotions without getting overwhelmed by them and cultivate a sense of inner calm.

4. Journaling: Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. This can be a therapeutic way to express yourself, gain insight into your emotions, and track your progress in coping with the situation over time.

5. Self-compassion: Be gentle with yourself during this challenging period. Offer yourself kindness and understanding as you navigate through the emotions and uncertainty. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would show to a close friend in a similar situation.

6. Set boundaries: Give yourself time and space to process the new information and decide how you want to move forward with your family relationships. It's okay to set boundaries and take a step back if you need space to heal.

7. Connect with support groups: Consider joining support groups or online forums where you can connect with others who have experienced similar situations. Sharing experiences and feelings with others who understand can be validating and healing.

8. Focus on self-care: Engage in activities that bring you joy and promote self-care. This can include spending time with loved ones who support you, pursuing hobbies, exercising, spending time in nature, or seeking solace in spiritual practices.

Remember, healing is a process, and it's okay to take the time you need to come to terms with the new information and your emotions. Reach out to professional support and take one step at a time as you navigate through this journey of self-discovery and emotional healing.

Jul 23, 2023
by: Anonymous

I am in my fifties and have recently found out that my father is not my biological father and I have a half sister. Unfortunately my biological father has since passed away but I did know him but not in the capacity of him being my father.
Apparently he desperately wanted to be part of my life but wasn’t given that right. I found out through Ancestry while doing my family tree for who I thought was my true family.
I confronted my mum but unfortunately she has been quite defensive and not forth coming with any information, her last comment was that he raped her !!!! She took the easy way out with him not being able to defend himself !!!
I am extremely cross, angry, sad, not wishing to have anything to do with them and all sorts of emotions are going through my head.
How do we deal with this, as no one can understand what it’s like unless you have been in this situation.

Feb 03, 2023
What should you do now??
by: Anonymous

I can’t tell you what you should do, but I can tell you that if you read many of the posts on this website, maybe you will follow some of the same paths as those who have walked in your shoes. I found out by building a family tree on Ancestry.com, then reaching out to unknown DNA family members via email, and with their help and willingness to provide history and photos, I was able to find my missing history.

Good luck,


Feb 02, 2023
Now what?
by: Anonymous

I'm 50 years old and I found out today via ancestry dna that my dad isnt my biological father. I honestly dont know how to feel. Both of parents are deceased and have been gone for more than 10 years.

I'm mad at my Mother. Did she cheat? Were they swingers? Did Dad know? I want answers but I'll never get them... what do i do?

Jan 31, 2023
I don't know what's going on with my dad but he is swearing
by: Anonymous

There is something seriously wrong with my dad he is being very mean to me on messaging he was swearing at me on messaging today I don't know what what's going on with him but need serious help obviously he has a mental illness is why he's being mean to me and he needs to be cured of it right now.

Jan 21, 2023
a podcast about this very subject
by: Don A

I found out on Sept 21 2021 that my dad wasn't my dad. It was complete shock to me and I can relate to almost every post on this page.

I started a podcast called Missing Pieces - NPE Life. You can find it wherever you find podcasts. Each episode is about someone else who found out there dad wasn't their dad.


NPE stands for Not Parent Expected...that's what we call ourselves..."NPEs" To anyone who just found out...it gets better. I swear.

Jan 08, 2023
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you for sharing. I am 71 and found out today that my father is not my biological father. You are the first I have read about. But just lost my husband and now my father. But I have so much hope in me through Christ. He will walk me through this🙏

Dec 08, 2022
Everything is ok
by: Anonymous

I found out my dad wasn't my biological father at 12 because of science class, talked about genetics and how certain traits a boy will have 90% or more the same. My cousin verified later that year. I never told him I knew. My graduation I asked my aunt if she knew and not to say anything. Of course she did. When my dad mom and I spoke about it he ask why didn't you say anything? My response was I didn't want you to know. Would it make a difference if I did? You are still my dad and you took care of me like your own. As long g as that person treats you like your their own blood doesn't matter. It was however a MASSIVE weight off my chech to finally have them tell me and our bond has become stronger than ever.

Oct 10, 2022
The dad dilemma
by: Lost and barely found.

After my Mom passed away I found out my Dad was not my not my my biological father. Ultimately, it doesn't matter my Dad was the best, so loving and caring. He has passed away now as well. I would just like to say, Everything you've written is pretty much how this has affected me. All these feelings are so valid. The anger that comes with finding out is damaging to your entire being.
My Bio father is still living, we have no relationship because there is no understanding that this has been hard on me. He wanted me 100% to change my life to work with his and his wife's. I have pushed most everyone away, for me it explains why I felt like I never belonged anywhere. I wish you the best. We will get through this.

Sep 26, 2022
MarciaGo2 thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you MarciaGo2 for your support. Luckily I am not part of Facebook so that wasn’t the route I was going to take. I am a life and trauma coach, so I was think that of incorporating this topic into my practice and starting a support group seemed like a great way to navigate something this big.

I appreciate your feedback and candor.

Sep 24, 2022
Thoughts re: Support Group
by: MarciaGo2

Yes. That is a great idea, however I think it best to stay away from FB.
The most difficult thing about this situation is that it is relatively new. The behavior of our parents isn’t new, as old as time probably, but finding out about it the way we have is. The hardest part is people don’t understand what it does to a person psychologically, how hard it is to process all the emotions and put yourself back together again. It reminds me of the Humpty Dumpty children’s rhyme:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again!

It leaves us fractured and very sad.

Sep 24, 2022
DNA test results in a diff biological father
by: Anonymous

I could go into my story, but it is so similar to everyone elses that I prefer to just say "me too". I can say the news was shocking, life changing and confusing but I wouldn't say devastating. I imagine if the man who raised me had been a good man and father I might have been a little more devastated but the truth is, after the shock, it was almost a relief. Where I feel robbed is that (a) it was a secret for 48 years (b) I had to find out from a 23andMe test and (c) my real father is dead and I feel robbed of ever knowing him. So many emotions around that, its not even possible to digest sometimes.
I am really looking for a support group and if it doesn't exist, I am going to create one.

Sep 22, 2022
by: Anonymous

I am 45 years old I found out last year that my pops was not my biological dad. I have felt it for years and in my 20s and 30s I asked my mom to please tell me the truth. She ALWAYS yell and scream and state "I know who your father is" 5 years ago someone reached out to me on Facebook and I remember him from being a child contacted me to tell me he was my biological father. I discussed the matter with my pops and the 1st of 2 times I ever seen him cry he said he would do the DNA test but he knew he was my father. Last year I had this overwhelming sense of needing to know the truth, I again approached my pops who this time said let's go for it. DNA results came back 0% we don't even share an eyelash it was the 2nd time I ever saw my pops cry. I reached back out to the guy that contacted me 5 years ago and DNA tested him 0% as well. After speaking to different persons found out that there was another guy who thought all these years he was my father. He stated he used to beg my mother to let me know the truth when I was around 5 and she would tell him he better not tell me. According to him he started drinking heavily due to that and became for years an achololic. DNA results for him 0%. I have the 23 and me kit for over a year and I'm not sure why I haven't mailed it in I'm not sure of how I feel with what I may find. My pops has never been fully active in my life and since we have the results nothing has really changed we still talk sporadic he loves me and I definitely love him. My mother on the other hand I have lost all respect for this was the straw that broke the camel back to what was always a fragile relationship is to date null in void. My heart goes out to all of us none of us deserved to be the victims of our parents "whatever". I pray that everyone including myself can find some peace, closure and the positive outcomes we all deserve. As for me for now I'm done searching I don't have the energy nor the space in my heart to be let down again. I have a pops that loves me even from a distance and for now that's enough.

Sep 12, 2022
Just found out 2 days ago
by: Kajai

I can't believe that this is me...a person writing in the comment section regarding just finding out who your BF is, but I am. It's so surreal.
I am 57 and took an ancestry test about 5 years ago and saw matches and names that didn't seem to make sense. I seriously thought that maybe an uncle had played around and so didn't reach out to these names, as I didn't want to disrupt anyone's life. I lost track of the email I used for the DNA account, so when I was messaged by someone a year ago, I didn't even know about it until 2 days ago on Friday Sept 9th, when I decided on a fluke to peruse my account. The message told me of how I kept showing up as their closest relative and asked if I was a descendant of a named person. The man who messaged me and the man whose surname he named, and also shares, were not familiar to me. I wondered what dad in the family had played around. I still didn't realize this had anything to do with ME!
I called my mom and read to her this strange message, and she got very quiet. She said, "K, I have something to tell you, and I don't want to tell you over the phone." I said, "Did you give a child up for adoption or something?" And then just like that my world seemed to change in an instant when she said, "That person (who was named in the message) is your father." I started to scream and shake, and I hung up the phone and literally threw up and cry-screamed like I never have for an hour straight. The shock was immense. I dry heaved and cried all day off and on. I stayed in bed all weekend, but better today.
I've read much of what others have written here and consider myself lucky. My dad loved me so very much. I couldn't tell that he wasn't my bf. I am the middle child of two brothers, and I always thought it was because I was a girl, but I was closer to my dad than either of the boys and he loved me best and everyone knew it, but I was the best to him too. I always knew my mom was pregnant with me when she married my dad, but I never ever suspected, even though I was different than everyone else, and no one has my eyes. My dad died 6 years ago, and in the message I received on the DNA site, I was told that my bf has also died, so we will never meet. I do have a lot of anger, but not so much at my parents, just at the situation. I love and adore my mother...she is sick, and I just can't allow this skeletal secret to waste any of our last years together. They are too precious to me. My dad was aware that I was not his, and so he told my mom to promise him that they would never tell me. Besides my mom's sister, no one else in our family knew/knows. The three of them carried this secret together.
I could be angry with them, but instead, I think about how I was the catalyst for these two young people to try and start a family and to make something good out of this difficult situation. My mother already had my older brother from another man, he is 5 years older than me, and so for her to have another pregnancy out of wedlock, this must have been devastating and scary for her. My Dad saved the situation. They thought they were doing what was right. I know from talking to my mom that there were so many times she thought that maybe she should tell me, especially after my dad died, but my mom is a self-professed coward. She is hurting terribly by the knowledge that she has hurt me so deeply. My mom and I are best friends. She is so afraid that she has hurt and fractured our relationship. I forgive her and my dad for this. I know I have some feelings to work through and I will. This is all so fresh for me; I know I am still in shock.
I haven't decided if I will reach out to this person who messaged me, I haven't even gone back into the site to figure it all out. There are other names there...it's so much to think about. My mom has told me some of what she knows about this family, and I need to be careful moving forward that I am not opening myself up to people that perhaps wouldn't be good for me. This is a possibility and kind of scary, because even though they are related by blood, they are strangers and I know nothing about them. Being blood related to people doesn't instantly make them okay and good people to know. So, it will be difficult to navigate through that part of it all.
I think if I had found out after my mom died then I wouldn't be taking it as well. To be able to vent my initial shock and anger at her and then to be able to hear the story behind all of this, well I know this has helped me immensely. If she had been gone when I found out, I know that my anger would be bigger and deeper and perhaps not have anywhere to go except for inside of me. So, I think in many ways I am fortunate. While I know it's going to be a bit of a rollercoaster for the next bit, I also know that I will be okay.
My mom said she wished she had told me in a different way, but I am very grateful that I was at home and by myself so that I could process it so strongly and violently. (I wasn't violent in any way it just felt that way in my screams). I wouldn't have wanted to be with her physically, or to have been in public so that I would have been forced to control my emotions, or to have been in a position to get myself home. I honestly don't think I could have driven home safely in the condition I was in for a time there. Just want to get that part out there, because before this happened to me, I couldn't have ever imagined the shock that comes from finding this out. You just really have no idea unless it happens to you. If you have this secret to share...keep these things in mind.

Sending out love and compassion to those of us that have found ourselves in a club that we could never have imagined for ourselves. I have really appreciated reading the accounts of so many of you here who have shared your story. It has helped me so much.

Aug 18, 2022
New lead
by: Anonymous12.10.2019

I got a new lead that could possibly help find out about my biological father. It literally fell in my lap after I finally decided to stop looking and move past it as best as possible. Well now I have been invited to meet the family who are now investigating to know if my father is alive or dead. I'm not sure if it's a good idea and my mom is recuperating from cancer so can't talk with her.
I will keep you posted on my decision.

Jun 28, 2022
by: MarciaG

Hi Kimberly,

I just read your story and totally understand what you’re going through and your persistent anger about your betrayal. I found out when I was 66 yrs old. I can identify with all your feelings.
I think if you’ll take the time to read many of the stories on this website, you’ll realize that most of us felt just as you do.
I am 72 yrs old now, and rarely ever think about it anymore. When I do, I no longer feel the pain, loss or anger. I sincerely hope you will let go of all your angst about it sooner rather than later. Give yourself that gift. If you can’t, maybe you should see a professional.
I will say a prayer for you, Kimberly.



Jun 23, 2022
Finding the truth
by: Kimberly M

In August 2013,I was 45, my sister came to my house to tell me that my dad isn't my father. Our mother had told her on her death bed in 2001 (assuming she had to clear her conscious before she passed on).
I called my dad the next day and he didn't confirm or deny it, he simply said "Well, I've raised you since you were born".
I talked to one of my cousins and he gave me pictures of her with a man dated Sept 1967 and I confronted my uncle (My mothers brother) and my dad and they both told me the mans name and confirmed that he was my father. The man had passed away when I was in high school so I never got to know him. I searched for his children from his marriage to another woman and found, what I thought, my brother but found out that he was not biologically related.
I began to give up for several years and finally a therapist recommended I do Ancestry DNA. I have found out who my biological family is! Sadly, my father passed away in 2018....had I been more diligent, I would have met him. I now have a relationship with my brother and 2 sisters. I find myself very jealous of them and crying a lot when I see pictures of HP (His initials).
I didn't hold any grudges against my "dad" until very recently. Talking to him on the phone and seeing him face to face is very difficult for me. I have been praying about it but I have so much pent up anger, I don't know that God's answers could even get through. It's been almost 9 years and sometimes the pain is as it was when my sister told me. I still shake when I talk about it...
I just don't know how to heal from such horrible betrayal.
My mother and I never had a close relationship, I always felt like I was the one child that was pushed in the background.

May 23, 2022
Defamation Claim
by: Anonymous

Hi, I just read your story. I used to get text notices when there were new posts, but didn’t this time. So I realize that this is late.

My story is similar so I totally understand your righteous anger and wanting your mother to be humiliated in a court and/or punished for the harm she has caused you. I’m afraid there is no law in place to punish women who cheat and then force the child to live a lie and have their identity shattered when the truth comes out.

As for accusing (?) of being your father, she probably didn’t know for sure which man was your father. But if that were so, why was the family of the other man, who turned out to be your father, picking you up? Had you established some sort of friendship with one of them?

I just don’t understand women sometimes. There are women marching around screaming things in support of abortion like it is a God given right. All I can say to them is it’s too bad their mother didn’t feel the same way about them!

Our identities are fragile things that were built layer upon layer as we grew up and experienced our relatives, our environment, etc. To not confess to a child their true parentage may be a decision a woman makes to preserve their child’s family and home as they were growing up. I can totally understand that, but not to tell them at some point in their early adulthood is pure evil.

I have struggled to forget and forgive my mother who is now deceased. If she had only apologized to me in a sincere fashion, I think that I could have done it, but she never owned any of the damaging things she did and/or said to me. I honestly don’t believe she ever loved me which has made me feel unlovable all of my life.

I wish you the best and sincerely hope that you will come through this eventually and be a stronger person for it.



Mar 17, 2022
Best way to Handle Matter
by: Anonymous

A young lady was told by her Mother that (?) was her father, when she was "40" yrs old, called (?) house.
The wife of (?) received the called, she stated that she had been told all her life that (?) was her Father. She did not want anything from the couple, and that her kids has no grandparents (or something).
She stated that she had called (previously) but their was no answer. The Spouse listen (politely) and took notes of what she was saying. She stated that her Mom, could not be reached? Well, the Spouse
understood from other source and she was in a health facility.
The allegation was nothing new to (?), he had obtained a Lawyer back in the (80's) and situation was handled through a Juror Court setting, that he was not the Father. He never paid Child Support or was contacted by the (Accuser). Well, after (40 yrs) and this mysterious phone call, (?) spoke to the young lady and volunteered to a DNA test. Test was performed and results (?) was not the Father.
The man (?) did tell the young lady, the name of a guy that perhaps was her Father. She "stated" in interacting that when she was younger "the other guy's family member(s) would pick her up from time to time. So, should the Liar (woman) be carried to court for Defamation of Character and having others in City (believing that X was the Father).

Mar 02, 2022
Finding out my life was a lie
by: Anonymous

My previous post was in response to to yours. Not very good at this.

Mar 02, 2022
I feel your pain
by: Shuddaknow

You have just shed a little light on my situation. My mother was always having "nervous breakdowns" when I was a child which is why I was a wreck as a child. Now I’m thinking that is why, carrying that secret was most likely was the reason. I don’t ask her about it anymore, she is a 90 and has denied that she even knew. I hate to admit it but she was always a bit of a liar. Thank you for sharing. Wishing you the best.

Mar 02, 2022
Finding Out…
by: MarciaGo

How do you know that your biological father doesn’t want anything to do with you? Please read the posts below for advice. The only thing I would add is that over time, you will heal.
❤️ Hugs

Mar 01, 2022
Finding out my life was a lie
by: Anonymous

Thankyou for sharing this! I am currently 21 and at 18 I was told that the man I thought was my father wasn’t my biological father. Apparently my mother cheated on my dad with another man (my B.F) yet kept this a secret and went on to have me, and had my dad believe I was his. When I was 10 she had a psychotic breakdown (probably due to the stress of lying for a decade and she had tried to get in contact with my B.F), my dad found out that I wasn’t his biological daughter and went into a deep depressive episode and I will never be able to imagine how much pain this caused him as we had the best father-daughter relationship. I always wondered as a child what was so bad that caused both my parents to have to be hospitalised multiple times over many years and this made me very unwell, causing me to suffer a lot of mental health issues as a young child. I just never understood why my family was failing apart and why they were so ill. But now I understand. It’s only been a couple of years since I was told and I still feel very lost within myself, I’m lucky enough to have a very supportive family on my dads side, however I resent my mothers side for all the secrets they kept. If anyone has any guidance it would be very appreciated! (I still do not know who my B.F is but he was married and has a large family, I have no intent as of yet to know who he is or find him - apparently he knows of my existence but doesn’t want anything to do with me) I hope this makes sense it is so difficult to get across to people!

Jan 14, 2022
Understanding the pain
by: Anonymous

I found out 22 years ago. Watching and understanding PTSD sessions made me realize that my pain was exactly the same.

I recommend watching the TV Show "Seal Team 5x12" that dives into PTSD. Here is a link


I found true peace and understanding last night for the 1st time. There is a way to feel better, but you must actively work on healing and recovery.

Please don't wait 22 years to get help like I did.


Jan 13, 2022
I was 25 when I found out my entire life had been a lie
by: Anonymous

I was 25 when I moved back home with my mother after finishing grad school. I had just started my first "real" job in my career and was feeling optimistic about life after college. One day we were in the living having a conversation about my mom's life when she was my age. She was telling me about her siblings, my grandmother, and what it was like growing up with then. As she goes on to telling me a story about my Aunt she casually says "and that's around the time we found out ____ wasn't your father." My mind drifted to another place that couldn't be what I heard. She couldn't be talking about the man that I had spent majority of my life being angry at due to his inconsistent presence in my life. She couldn't be talking about the man I spent the last 6 years not talking to because he had disappointed me for the last time. She couldn't be talking about the man whose last name I have. She was... and I have been numb ever since that September day 3 years ago. I spent my entire adolescence and young adulthood being angry at my deadbeat father who isn't actually my biological father. Now I'm angry at a dead man because my actual biological father died a year before I found out his identity. For the past 3 years I've felt no one could understand this empty feeling I have. I've been unable to feel like myself since that September day and I don't know if I ever will.

Nov 12, 2021
3 years since finding out, I found my BF. He passed away.
by: Lost

I post on here about 3 years ago now. About finding out the truth of my bio dad. My mom told me he wasn’t interested in seeing me. But I found out from my BF’s old friend that he had tried to get in contact with me and my mom said no. I hired a PI to find my BF 2 summers ago and had no luck at all. Then this may, 1 week before my 30th birthday I matched with a great aunt. 23 and me. She told me to call her and I had family waiting to meet me. She told me my BF passed away about 6 years ago. I’ll never have the chance to meet him. That I am indigenous and he was a residential school survivor. This news came around the same time the residential school children’s bodies/ mass graves were found. So this opened up a whole new wound and trauma for me. However I connected with my half older brother and sister. I was distracted from the pain by the connection I was making with my new found sister. Who said she had been looking for me her whole life. But soon after we started to become close she ghosted me. She left me with no answers and no goodbye. It hurt to be rejected when I was already grieving and processing so much. I still feel sad sometimes. And I feel guilty for feeling sad. Like I should be over this. And I feel life is short - so to be angry I feel I can’t be. I am now focusing on reconnecting with my culture and have connected to my cousin who is an elder. I am focusing on reclaiming my roots. But it does not come without pain. If you are just finding out - I want to say you’re clearly not alone as all these comments prove. You’re valid in your pain and your anger. You do not need to " get over it " and never feel rushed to heal and forgive. This is a pain only those who have gone through will understand. I promise you will be happy again. It will never be the same. - yes. But your life is not over. Like I thought mine was.

Nov 11, 2021
Used MyHeritage and got more than I bargained for
by: Anonymous

I understand much of what you are going through and the unrelenting emotions that are still hitting me as I write this note to you. I found out 21 years ago when I was 25, and still feel like I am disrespecting the man that raised me by even participating in this blog. There was no DNA test in year 2000 and I got a FedEx letter from a complete stranger that turned out is my biological father. There are no words for the shock. It is making my hands shake currently while I am typing. The people I would have normally turned to in a crisis, Mom/Dad/Grandmother/etc were the ones that kept this a secret from me in a sincere, yet depraved effort to "protect" me and let me live a "normal" life. New "parents" were 20 year old kids back in 1975 that were lost, afraid, and got persecuted / banished for having children out of wed lock or anything other that the church going way of the time. These aren't excuses, it's just perspective I have gleaned over 21 years and now having 4 kids of my own.

So what did I do after keeping this information to myself for about a year, because actually speaking of it would make it something I had to explain to other people and I could not explain it to myself.

1. Find a therapist near you and make an appointment today.

2. When the emotions get over whelming exercise, or the toxic energy will eat you alive

3. I typed a letter to my bio dad with no intention of sending it. I just started wondering what would I even say to this person. Once I wrote it, I thought why not send it. I ended up meeting him 6 months later and I am glad that I did.

4. I went to my 8 year younger brother and told him, because I would not want him to find out the way I did. I told him it changes nothing between us and it hasn't. He is probably the only person in my family that didn't change because he didn't know either.

5. The relationship with my Mom has been a challenge because she feels she was abandoned and did what she had to do for our survival. She is incapable of understanding my experience, because how could she unless you have been through it. The problem is she hasn't even tried to understand because it is in direct opposition to the coping mechanisms she developed to survive her situation. A situation I have little understanding, but have grown to empathize with now that I am a father.

Family always has been and is important to me, and cutting off the very close family that I was raised in because of this tragic situation did not seem like a reasonable solution for a college kid that was dealing with the shock and abject horror that was thrust upon me.

6. The best part for me has been the development of profound appreciation for the man I will always call Dad, and my kids call Pop. We were like oil and water growing up and I had no idea why. I avoided him and his military type perfection with everything I had to do. Now that I am a father I realize that the way I was raised is what gave me the strength to endure. I wish there was a way I could convey my deep appreciation and gratitude for that man to that man.

Talking to people in this group and on the other two FB groups helps you heal. Then when you are ready, helping people who just found out helps you gain perspective. If anyone needs to talk, you can write me anytime at fydwisdom@gmail.com. I am also available by phone if that is needed.

Godspeed and good luck!

Nov 10, 2021
Used MyHeritage and got more than I bargained for
by: Anonymous

I used MyHeritage to find out what I was mixed with and ended up having a cousin inbox me on Facebook a few days later and tell me we had a blood match on the site. She originally thought my dads father may not be his father and that’s how I was related but upon further digging she found out that my dad who recently passed away was actually not my dad. I am 29 years old and this is the second worst thing that has ever happened to me( first being my dad dying.) I just found this out today. The man that is my father is actually a friend of my mothers that she worked with, he’s also a friend of my dad. My mom messed with him once when her and my dad broke up and she had literally no idea. She cried like a baby when she found out and I think that only made it worse. I don’t know what to feel or how to feel. It feels like I lost my dad all over again. There’s no way I can be friend my biological fathers family because I feel like I’m cheating on my dad. I don’t even want my biological dad to know about this. I just want to forget it ever happened honestly. I already have an estranged relationship with my siblings, if they found out I’m not really their sister I don’t know what would happen. But I don’t feel like dying as much knowing this happened to a ton of other people. Life sucks sometimes.

Oct 27, 2021
A one night stand might've made me
by: Anonymous

I am 25. My mom just told me that she has no idea if my dad is my dad. All the question came from me finding out my blood group... Which makes me impossible to be my mom's and dad's kid. So i kept jokingly ask about if I'm adopted.

Well, today I've got my answers... Now I'm on a rollercoaster. All of those questions about some of my features that I can't find anywhere in my family might have an answer here.

My biggest issue is... . My dad has no idea of my mom's dilemma. At the same time when he found out about my blood group he asked her some questions like what if I was replaced at birth. I am certain he has some doubts I am biologically his, but he never showed he loves me less.

I am not judging my mom. I had my fair share of fun when I was 22. She just got married to my dad after 1 year of knowing each other. She moved to a new town(my dad's), and the 90s after the soviets fell, well, it was not a place for rules. Everyone cheated on everyone. She claims it was a one night stand and that's it.
I ordered some new blood group tests to be sure.

Honestly, I don't really care who the sperm donor was, but I'd like to know his health history, which I think nowadays I can get from these DNA companies anyways.

I hope I will get at peace with this, I have sort of an identity crisis and seeing a bit of my childhood as a lie, but what can I do now. I don't think I will tell my father that I know this. It's my mom to tell him. I am afraid they might break unrepairable and I have a younger sister who is100% his and she deserves the family united.

Oct 12, 2021
I'm spiraling
by: Anonymous

So here I am 2 yrs to date of the news and it feels like yesterday
When sows it get better

Oct 09, 2021
DNA….My mother’s secret revealed
by: Anonymous

I’m 48 years old and have suspected since u was a teenager that my dad, whom my mother divorced when I was about 4, was not my biological father. We never had a good relationship, he was an alcoholic. I did a DNA test with my sister, about 20 years ago. Results indicated that it was most likely we were half sisters, but inconclusive. I confronted my mother at that time and she denied it and was very angry. I recently did DNA with Ancestry and of course results came back that my biological father was someone other than the "dad" I had been told my entire life was my own. I confronted my mother once again and she again tried to deny it, until I said his name. I have a rollercoaster of emotions the past few months that I’m not sure how to deal with. My real dad has contacted me and we are having conversations. The problem is that his wife does not know about me. He doesn’t think she can take the pain considering some other family situations. But I don’t want to be a secret anymore.

Oct 07, 2021
thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you for sharing! I’m currently a 24 year old whose mother told me 5 months ago that there was a possibility who I knew to be my dad probably was not and today I found out that he is 100% not and it is another person who I’ve never met before. I have a lot of feelings and your post helps me not feel so alone, I pray that you find genuine peace on your journey!

Sep 27, 2021
My father is God
by: Anonymous

I'm 48, finding out my mother's sister's ex-husband is my dad. I was matched with his daughter 99% possible half-sibling less than 1% first cousin. It was a rumor when I was a kid, but my mom swore it wasn't him. I know DNA doesn't lie. The dad I was told was my biological father. He disowned me and his family, saying I wasn't his. I feel like a complete idiot trying to seek love from a family that is not my family and showed me that as I grew up. My dad's mom went to her grave thinking I was her grandchild. When I discussed this with my mom, she got so angry, saying I better not mention that someone was my dad. I don't know how to feel angry or what; my emotions are so numbed. I want to move far away from my people and don't look back

Sep 12, 2021
Mother lied to me about who my biological father is
by: Anonymous

I was 34 years old when it was confirmed to me who is my Biological father. I’m 36 years old now and still having a hard time with this. My mother lied to me my entire life. This is a heavy load to carry daily. I started a podcast last week about this. I don’t think mother’s understood the damage it does to someone. If anyone want to share or listen please tune. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/keeping-it-real-with-tpk4/id1583885015

Aug 08, 2021
Me too
by: Deb

I was 60 when I found out…and it wasn’t my mother who told me. My mother passed in 2014 and a cousin told me in 2019. I grew up with both parents and several aunts/uncles knowing I wasn’t his bio daughter….they had 3 more kids after me. I now know why I don’t as never close to anyone in my family. I joined the navy right out of high school. I’m struggling with memories of my youth now and knowing the truth.

Jun 12, 2021
My deceased father that I thought was my father for 42 was not
by: Tameka

8 did an Ancestry DNA test to find out more about my mom's side of the family and it linked me to another lady. The lady messaged me to find out how we're related. I didn't know so I immediately looked her name up on Facebook and messaged her tback to say that my mom dated a man who has the same last name as some of her Facebook friends, well she didn't reply so I got cousins on my mom side of the family involved and we found out that the lady was a daughter to the man my mom once dated. Through messages with one of my other cousins who is the man's son I messaged the man and his wife scheduled a DNA test which came back that he was my biological father. So my mom has been deceased since I was 5 and all my family said that she told them that the other man was my father so that's what they told me. So I'm going through the motions of trying to figure out my life now.

May 26, 2021
Looking for a Podcast
by: Looking for a Podcast

I answered my own question :)
Here is a link to share your story or just listen to other stories.


May 25, 2021
Looking for a Podcast
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

Does anyone know of a podcast that covers finding out that your Dad that raised you is not your biological father through DNA or other means?

May 18, 2021
Reply to John
by: Anonymous

Hi John,
I am so sorry to hear that after all this time, you are still so sad and haven’t forgiven your mother. Forgiveness is a funny thing. It is a gift we give ourselves. The pain doesn’t go away suddenly when we forgive, but we cease to be fixated on the angry feelings we harbor for the person who hurt us.

I have some thoughts about forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that one must reconnect with the one who has hurt us. That decision should be made only after weighing whether to do so is in our best interest. Over the course of my life my mother hurt me so many times in so many ways. I just kept forgiving her because she was my mother. But when the truth of her deception about my father came out, she refused to apologize in a sincere way for the catastrophic pain I was in.

My point is, if a person doesn’t show sincere remorse for having hurt you, they are not someone you should keep in your life because their subtle lack of real love for you is felt even if it is not consciously acknowledged by you.

I forgave my mother, but only after I allowed myself to experience the pain and rage I felt. That’s important because if you circumvent that rage, you will continue to stay depressed. I never again reconnected with my mother because I felt that it was my duty to protect my sanity from her.

I love this quote from Maya Angelou: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Another saying I really like is: Life is like an elevator. Sometimes you have to stop and let some people off.

My fourth child was born with Down Syndrome and later developed Autism. He was very difficult to raise. One of my sisters’ once said, "Aren’t you embarrassed when you go out in public with him?" I said something like, "It’s not about my feelings. I’m trying to give him a normal life." I’ve come to realize that very few people are that generous and self-sacrificing. My point being, our mothers’ lied to protect their reputations. They somehow talked themselves into believing that was better for us than the truth. That lie eased the guilt of their deception.

If your mother has shown you remorse and tried to make it up to you, praise the Lord! If not, I have another favorite saying, "If God removes someone from your life, just let them go." Not everything can be made right in this life.That’s why I love the serenity prayer: God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Please love yourself enough to move beyond your pain. It is a daily choice, but worth the effort.

Hugs and prayers.


May 18, 2021
Brisbane- reply from April 2015
by: John

Just wanted to give a update from 2015
I have reconnected with my mother after not talking g to her for years. I don’t forgive her for what she has caused me. I honestly don’t think she realises the pain it has caused me. I was 21 when I found out and now 29 with a family of my own. I’m so close with my new found family but still hurts that I missed out on my childhood. For about 5 years now I’ve been on anti-depressants and I still have a identity crisis. I still don’t feel the same as I did all those years ago. I tried to connect with my non biological dad when my step mother passed away, but I was the one making the effort and always comments he is the one that should be hurt. He knew the whole time I wasn’t his. I’ve been suicidal and been in dark place for years. It’s only really this year I’ve been good and have taken my own time to find out more about my other family. ( we are indigenous Australian).

May 17, 2021
by: Anonymous

Excuse me, please, if I didn’t spell your name correctly. Don’t give up if the company you used didn’t provide you with a path forward. Two things I would do: 1) Try another company. There are several different companies and they all have a varied database of information. I can think of a few, like GEDmatch, 23andMe, FamilyTreeDNA 2) Make sure that you are correct in thinking that there are no DNA relatives in your current results. You may not understand how the software works. There are YouTube videos that give instructions for Ancestry.com. I think I have mentioned the group called DNA Detectives on Facebook. They will gladly assist you for free, and there are also books and genealogists for hire that can further your search.

Stay the course otherwise this will haunt you the rest of your life.


May 17, 2021
Marcia Go
by: Shawnp414

That’s how I found out was through that dna test, they do not have any hits/records on my fathers side at all.

May 05, 2021
by: MarciaGo

I would urge you to get your DNA tested with Ancestry.com which should help you find your family and the truth. I hope you find the courage to face your truth. Your mother may have lied to you. I have left many posts here. I hope you read some of them. They will help you to move forward. Just know that over time you will feel better. I think that I had an emotional breakdown, so I sympathize with the pain you’re in. The hard part is that people who haven’t gone through this travesty don’t understand what the big deal is. But it is in reality an identity crisis and a huge betrayal by those who were supposed the love you.

Hugs (( ))


May 05, 2021
47 and just found out
by: Shawnp414

Sucks really sucks. Added twist is my mother told me (get ready for this) that she does not remember anything only the trama cause I’m a rape baby. Why would that woman try to play victim I can’t figure out. I’m pretty sure that was a lie that backfired on her. Now I’ll never talk to her again, ever! So here I am at now 48 and I have no family, don’t know who I am and my life is a mess. I’ll add I was not raised by my mom I met her at 16 yo I was raised by my fathers parents (total strangers in reality) so I really feel so alone in this world now. It’s always said it can be worse right well now for a lot of you here it is, for me I guess I’ll Walinchus and see.

May 01, 2021
by: extkking


I am curious to know if you have sat down with your mother yet. It is intriguing to me, that no matter what age a person is when they find out, the feeling is exactly the same based on your description. I found out 21 years ago when I was 25 and it still feels like a dream to me.
If you would like to talk you can email me at fydwisdom@gmail.com

Feb 13, 2021
63 and just found out
by: Shuddaknown

I am 63 years old, a grandmother of 4 and just learned through 23andMe me that my father was not my biological father. I have two older siblings who are his.
We all lived together with my dad’s mother, who I adorned and her sister. My father was not affectionate to any of us but was still our dad.
As a small child I felt that I somehow I didn’t belong or that I was flawed, something just didn’t feel right. I had chronic stomachaches and often thought I had some serious illness along with crippling separation anxiety when away from my mother. I was just a mess as a small child.
I asked my 88 year old mother who surprisingly admitted that she and my father had split for a year or so and she got pregnant by someone else. WOW!!! I suddenly felt like I was in a dream that I wanted to wake up from but on the other hand I felt like something heavy was just lifted off my soul.
I am waiting to sit with my mother so she can "explain", I’m not terribly anxious to do this. For the most part I don’t care, it changes nothing in life but often sadness and disbelief just takes over . It has only been 5 days. Who love to hear other stories.

Dec 31, 2019
To Anonymous 2009
by: Anonymous

It is high time that you took control of your situation!! Get an Ancestry DNA kit! You should be able to find out who you are and where and from whom you came - seriously!

I have written many posts on this site, so I don’t want to repeat things I’ve written before. There are two sites on Facebook: DNA Detectives and NDE (which stands for ‘Not Dad Expected’). I have read about some really wonderful stories about people like yourself who were able to find their father and/or mother through Ancestry. I was able to find my father when I was 66 and my brother’s father (two different men - both of them already deceased). It might not be too late for you. It’s really easy on Ancestry to build out a family tree using the DNA matches they provide. There are books on how to do this as well as YouTube videos. DNA Detectives on Facebook will help you too.

Because of the abuse, you are probably in dire need of some counseling. You may have been a place holder for your parent’s dead daughter (in their minds), but you are an individual put here on the Earth for a reason and to live your best life. If you cannot be treated well BY ANYONE, get them out of your life! There’s a saying that goes: Life is like an elevator. Sometimes you have to stop and let some people off.

Your Heavenly Father knew you before you were born, and he loves you! Now, is the time to learn to love yourself. Hold out the hope that your biological parents may still be out there and may be capable of giving you the love you so desperately need.

I am going to pray that your actions will be led by the Lord to a wonderful and loving conclusion.

Big Hugs,

Dec 31, 2019
by: Anonymous

The couple who raised me told me I was not biologically theirs. Apparently, according to them, I replaced their dead daughter. If it is true, I am living a dead baby's life. I suffered terrible abuse from them as a child, and I still suffer abuse from them, along with the lasting effects of the lifetime of abuse. I constantly feel like the Law and Order SVU story of the "Ghost", or these wild stories you hear of the CIA who have people who have no identity. They are whoever they need to be at any given moment. NO identity, NO past, NO history, NO genealogy, NO family, NO beginning, NO nothing. They're here, and then they're gone.

Dec 30, 2019
I was 60 when I found my father was not my Bio-Dad
by: Anonymous

Though the years, there were rumors that I had a different father, my mother continued to deny. I decided when I turned 60 to tell my parents I wanted to participate in a genetic study. They agreed to do DNA swabs. I only submitted mine and Dad's.
When the results came back I experienced many emotions, anger, hurt, deceived, etc. I took the results when visiting my parents one weekend and asked Mom to go out for coffee so not to let Dad hear.
I asked her if she remembered when I ask them to do the swabs, she looked down, took a deep breath and said, "I should have told you years ago". Although she had some dementia she was able to give me enough information to pull records and find out who he was. I haven't reached out yet but I have 2 half siblings.

Oct 14, 2019
I am spiraling
by: Anonymous

I am a 43yr old woman who just found out 2 days ago that my father is not My father. Worse is that I am the 4th child in 5 kids and they don't know. Their dad left my mom and never took care of us so I have been angry at aman for not being a good dad when I had no right. I have wasted so many years directing my anger at tge wrong person
I am so confused I don't even know what emotion I feel. I am looking for a way to deal with this crazy roller coaster story that is my life. Who am I?

Sep 30, 2019
Found out at 33 :(
by: Anonymous


Sep 02, 2019
Book recommendation
by: Anonymous

Thank you! Buying it today!

Sep 02, 2019
Book Recommendation
by: MarciaGo

Hi All,

I just finished reading, Inheritance, a Memoir of Genealogy, Paternity and Love, by Dani Shapiro. I highly recommend this book and thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

Each of us have our own story of the disturbing feelings we experienced and the path we traversed upon finding out that the man who raised us was, in fact, not our biological father.

Dani Shapiro’s story is slightly different in that she discovered that her paternity was that of a sperm donor. She is a very good writer and has written a beautiful book describing quite eloquently all the same feelings we have felt which helps to realize that for the most part, what we have felt is understandable - even predictable.

Of course Dani was fortunate in that the father who raised her treated her lovingly, which for many of us was not the case. Still, a very good story and well worth the read.


Sep 01, 2019
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your comments. I’m only mildly curious about my biological father - my mom said he was just a sperm donor. She didn’t know who he was. I don’t want to open a can of worms and find out I have multiple half siblings or anything like that. I will tell my dad I know. It’ll be hard but I think it’s better than keeping secrets. Thanks for your support!

Sep 01, 2019
To my dad doesn’t know I know
by: MarciaGo

Hi. I’m thinking he didn’t want you to know because he wanted to be your dad and wanted you to think he was so you would love him like he was. So tell him your mother told you and that you are devastated because you love him and wish that he was. If you reassure him that he will always be your dad and that you will always be his son, I think he will come to terms with it. The truth is always best. This knowledge cannot change the past you shared if you don’t want it too.

But, how do you feel about the lie you’ve lived? Aren’t you curious about who your biological father was, or do you already know?


Sep 01, 2019
Do Tell
by: Anonymous

If it were me, I would tell him. And maybe if you tell him that you you actually feel closer to him it will calm the storm. Good luck. Hugs.

Aug 31, 2019
My dad doesn’t know I know
by: Anonymous

I’m in my 40s and just found out that my dad isn’t my biological father - my mom told me against my dad’s wishes (they are divorced). Do I tell my dad I know? If anything, the news makes me feel closer to him and I’ll tell him that. But, I know he was adamantly opposed to me knowing. Part of me doesn’t want to allow the storm that will hit if he knows, but I also don’t want a secret like this kept from him. What do you all think? Thanks.

Aug 30, 2019
by: Anonymous

That is indeed a happy story, one of few on this blog. You ARE very blessed! I’m so happy for you.😘

Aug 30, 2019
by: Anonymous

On November 18, 2018, my mom told me I was adopted! What a complete shock at 48 years old. Sounds crazy, but I feel so very special inside knowing my mom & dad adopted me. What a wonderful life they gave me. Since then I have found my Biological mother and a HUGE Family that was estatic when I found them Including a Sister who looks just like me. They welcomed me with open arms. In 1993 I moved from NY to FL. So when I found out I was adopted I searched all of New York State. Low and behold they all live within 45 minutes of my front door step. UNBELIEVABLE!!! Looking in the mirror is quite different now a little weird, but I feel VERY BLESSED!!! Everything Happens For A Reason

Aug 25, 2019
Anonymous 8-22-19
by: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Where do I start? There are many people on this site you share much in common with. I’m sure you have read their posts. However, the choices you make are still individual decisions, so take action from your heart. You have been given a heavy burden, don’t bother to brush it off. You are a match for the world just like you are. Through the challenges ahead, you will find deeper strengths within yourself. I wish you love.

Aug 22, 2019
23andMe..opened a closet with a skeleton
by: Anonymous

Where do I start?..I was born in 1975. My parents divorced when I was 4.5 years old. From then on I was raised by a stepdad that raised me as his own. Yes we had ups and downs,but i always considered him Dad.
Fast forward to 2017. I recieved 23andMe as a Christmas gift. Just last week it revealed that the man that I was told was my bio father was not correct. I'm 43 years old and have been blasted by this revelation! A "new" family of aunts,uncles and cousins. Haven't decided how I'm going to handle all of this yet. Really I'm just venting and sharing my experience. Thanks.

Jul 25, 2019
To Anonymous from July 22
by: Fabulous MzP

You and me have distinct parallels. My mom and stepdad both died of Aids. I was abused and neglected as an eight year old until an Aunt moved me across country to live with her and my grandparents.' Who I thought was my bio Dad was an absent father. This impacted me my whole life. 20 years ago I found out the truth through testing. I spent so many tears on that man. I'm 54 now. Last year I found out who my bio is through Ancestry.com. He too is deceased but ever since I found the truth it has truly set me free. I don't believe my mother ever knew who it was either. God speed. We are not alone.

Jul 22, 2019
My father was not my biological father
by: Anonymous

I just found out that the man I called father is not really my father. My mother got pregnant with me and I’m still unclear as to if she knows who it is or not. She was 19 and a few months into her pregnancy she met a man who agreed to raise me as his own. Shortly after I was born they married and 18 month later had another daughter of their own (my half sister). Both my parents got into hard drugs and we’re very physically and mentally abusive. When I was 8 my step-dad was fighting with my mom and held a shot gun to her head. I ran in and grabbed my mom by her head and told him he needed to put the gun down and he sat there pointing it at my head. I will never forget it. I thought I was going to die with my mom that day. My mom finally left him just to drag us to her new pedophile boyfriend/bosses house. We didn’t see my step-dad to often because he was using drugs a lot. On Father’s Day we went to stay with him and my sister and I found him dead on the garage floor from a head attack after he ingested an eight ball of speed. I was 9 my sister was 7. I told my sister to run out and chase my moms car as she drove away. Luckily she saw my sister and turned around. After his death we were drug around from boyfriend to boyfriend with her. Drugs and alcohol where always a problem with her. Then I turned 18 and basically just ran away from her. My sister had turned into exactly what both my parents were and I felt like I lived in a house full of crazy people. It’s been 24 years since the man that I thought was my dad lied. My mother got cancer so I moved her close to me to take care of her despite how horrible she was to me as a child. My sister and I just started speaking again after years of not talking. She is finally sober. As we have rekindled our relationship she clues me in on the dark family secret that the man who I thought was my dad is not my dad. She told me everyone knew. I confirmed it with my grandma. She said she’s not sure if my mom knows who my father is or not, but she knows he never knew about me. I have not approached my mother yet because I am so furious at her! She made me think a monster was my father and when he died she let me go on thinking that! I healed myself from my past by creating a beautiful family of my own and a part of me wants to cut ties with all of my moms family and just focus on my own. I sent for the ancestry dna thing to see if maybe I can find any answers as to who my real father is because he has the right to know I even exist. I feel like I lost part of my identity and I missed out on having a relationships with a father and family that thinks like me. I am grateful for all the stories shared on this site. I hope we all may find our own peace from the crap our parent(s) have put us through.

Jun 24, 2019
by: Anonymous

No. The DNA NPE group on Facebook does not cost anything to join. You just have to request to join the group. Then you will have a short screening by the person in charge. They offer discussions, support and advice for people who have recently discovered that their Dad is not their biological father.

There is also another Facebook group that can assist those in need of help navigating the process of determining who their biological father is via Ancestry or other DNA testing labs. That group is called DNA Detectives.

Sadly, Facebook will not permit the sharing of this website address as it is against their policy to promote any other website. This is consistent with their freedom of speech censorship policy that they keep denying they employ!


Jun 23, 2019
Who am I? Father's paternity used as a weapon
by: Anonymous, in Florida

Sliding scale, I believe.

Jun 22, 2019
NPE Fishing
by: Anonymous

Don’t you have to pay to join NPE?

Jun 22, 2019
Who am I? Father's paternity used as a weapon
by: Anonymous, in Florida

The full name of the FB private group is DNA NPE.

Jun 22, 2019
Who am I? Father's paternity used as a weapon
by: Anonymous, in Florida

I am so sorry for your suffering and pain. It is difficult to discover the secrets of one's paternity. Try not to take toxic family dynamics personally--easier said than done, I know. We need to be strong for ourselves and children.
There is a private Facebook group called NPE (stands for Not Parent Expected). You apply to join the private group, they send you a few questions, you respond they qualify/admit you. There is A LOT of love and support for NPE members there.
Best of luck with your journey.
Keep us updated.

Jun 22, 2019
Father's Paternity Used As A Weapon
by: Anonymous

I suspected for a long time and had it confirmed when the 1/2 sibling decided to use my father's paternity as a weapon against me so she could gain leverage with our mother regarding her money and house when she dies. My mother's response was not denial her only concern was she did not want me to think of her as a skank. She did not show one ounce of concern as to how this has negatively affected me and said she will take his identity to the grave with her. She has decided to denounce my kids and me and leave everything to the legitmate chlid. To them it's all about the money and the 1/2 sibling has used any dirty tactic, including my father's paternity to gain favour and I think when someone will stoop that low you cant get any lower and speaks volumes as to how low grade a person she is. For me, taking the identity of my father to the grave is a far greater loss than any amount of money, My mother had also admitted she sent me to live with the 1/2 sibling and her husband knowing I would be sexually abused, because she can't stand the sight of me. When she found out I was physically and sexually abused I was blamed for being an inconvenience. The 1/2 siblings father we lived with told me he never understood why my mother hated me as much as she did because there is nothing wrong with me. I refuse to let this define or hurt me, I have to forgive and accept what is. When I look at the actions of the 1/2 sibling and her mother well it really spells out something seriously wrong with both of them on a mental level and my main solace in all this is that I have ended up a very strong, independent person and I'll say I must be like my father, whoever he is because I am nothing like those who deceived, rejected and abused me.

Jun 18, 2019
Who am I?
by: Anonymous, in Florida

To Just Turned 60.
Thank you so much for sharing that we are in the same boat! Our DNA discovery story is more or less identical--the proof is in the DNA connections, or lack of them. I have reached out to a new first cousin and a new 1st/2nd cousin and both are slowly getting back to me. I hoping that my biological father is still alive, but I doubt it. If he is, I would very like to meet him.
I don't know that there is a protocol for introducing yourself to your biological father. He may not know you are his child, since the websites can be cryptic for a casual observer. My granddaughter is listed as a close relative or a first cousin, on Ancestry, for example.
Its seems a natural impulse to want to know, in all way, biological parents.
Good luck with your journey! Keep me updated!

I dont

Jun 18, 2019
To Just turned 60
by: MarviaGo

I just read your post and am wondering how long you’ve known. Also, I am wondering how you were treated by your Dad growing up. Do you think he knew? Did you resemble him at all? If he didn’t know, chances are great that he treated you well; as if you were his.

I think for those of us who have taken this news to heart in the worst possible way, it is because we were not treated well as children and/or were abused both physically and emotionally, and so we feel cheated. We grew up being treated with distain and rejected as well. Then, we found out that we had a father who might possibly have loved us better, but had already passed away leaving us with a wound and a longing that will never heal.

If you have lucked out on both counts, you are indeed fortunate. I hope you will find the courage to reach out to
your newfound father. Best of luck to you. Please let us know how it turns out for you.❤️

Jun 18, 2019
Just turned 60 and learned dad's not dad.
by: Military brat

I am in the same boat. Used 23 and Me and found a new cousin. We couldn't figure it out so I tried Ancestry DNA. This one identified my father! He happens to be the uncle of the new cousin from 23 and Me. Two sources. Both concur. I had no idea my entire life. To further the evidence, my DNA traces back to their ancestral lands, and not those of my father's line. And finally, I have plenty of names showing from my mother's side, but none showing from my father's. The proof is there. I am not as devastated as many on here. My parents are deceased. I'm more curious and dumbfound. No contact yet with the new dad and his family. Not sure how/when to cross that bridge. But, he knows. It had to show on his ancestry site as well.

Jun 17, 2019
Who am I?
by: Anonymous

I am 72 years old, have three healthy children and eight perfect grandchildren. From 23 and me and later on Ancestry, I discovered that who I thought was my biological father is not in fact my biological father. I NEVER had an inkling of this growing up, but it helps to explain my mother's physical and emotional abusiveness towards me.
It is an understatement to repeat what so many other have said on this website (thank goodness I found it). The accidental discovery of ones paternity is almost devastating. The shock of discovery gives way to denial, disbelief, anger, betrayal, and confusion. It feels strange to have an identify issue at my age, but this seems to be a major consequence of discovery. I have joined the private organization, NPE Friends and Fellowship. I am going to seek counseling to help me heal and move forward as quickly as I can. I need closure. Fingers crossed.

Jun 15, 2019
Truly Lost
by: Anonymous

Dear MarciaGo and Fydwisdom,
Thank you so much for your insights.
It’s been a difficult road and of course some days I’m fine and others I feel devastated.
Like you, as an abused child, I’ve grown up to be very empathic, loving and caring. It’s been my greatest asset and greatest weakness.
There was a time when I couldn’t remember anything about my childhood. But since this has come to fruition, I have had a plethora of memories come back to me and it has made me realize how I was treated and brought back so many feelings that I didn’t realize I went through. The abuse, the hospital visits, the fear that I lived with.
Yes, I’m having trouble sleeping and while my father doesn’t call often, I’m always concerned.
I know what you’re saying, MarciaGo. I have and continue to turn the anger towards myself. My thoughts often go to bad places and I only consider taking them out on myself. It’s my love for my son that has kept me going. But there have been times ... Not long ago a very good attorney friend of mine that I always looked up to took his own life. I was devastated, but in some ways envied him as he didn’t have to deal with pain anymore. Still, I’ve gotten myself into the Word and try to be strong. Good days and bad. It’s hard because my wife doesn’t seem to understand why it’s been an issue for me, so I keep it to myself. I know I need to see someone, but to me, it’s a sign that I’m weak and should realize that I’m no different than I was 6 months ago. I just have to be strong and push forward for no other reason than there are others that need me for now. Thank you both! 🙏🏻

Jun 15, 2019
To Truly Lost
by: MarciaGo

Dear Truly Lost,
By now I hope you have read some of the posts on this site and realize that all of the feelings you are experiencing are consistent with the feelings the rest of us (who have been through this experience) felt. Understandingly and justifiably you are experiencing depression. Depression can be very serious and a formidable foe. I hope you will consider seeing a doctor so that you can get some anti-depressants. These will help. Your doctor will encourage you to get counseling. I can’t promise this will help as not many people can truly understand the implications of this situation.
What you mustn’t do is turn your mother’s sin and betrayal against yourself. Whatever she did is on her. You didn’t ask to be born and it’s on both your parents for not rising to the privilege of loving you and providing you with a safe environment. I think all of us, for whom this has happened, have initially felt shamed and devalued by this. But something rose up in me (perhaps my inner child) to reject this idea because I know (even though I still wrestle with night demons like you when I am awake during the night) that I am a good, kind, and loving person.
Because I was abused and rejected as a child, I grew up to be a very empathetic person, a strong person, but still a very wounded person as I’m sure you are too. It is a struggle to trust and to process the anger. But the most important thing you must do is FEEL ALL YOUR FEELINGS. If you don’t and rather internalize them, you will spiral down. This is going to be the toughest battle you will probably ever have to fight. But fight you must because you must never think of doing anything serious to yourself like suicide because that would only stop your pain - but inflict your pain on your wife and son. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to hurt them by doing that. That’s not the legacy you want to leave to them.
Have faith that things will improve over time because of that, I am certain. It’s been 3-1/2 yrs since I found out. It also happened to my younger brother so we have had each other to commiserate with. It is still a sore spot, but less and less as time goes on. You must fight like hell now. Do it for your family. I will keep you in my prayers. Big hug.❤️

Jun 15, 2019
Truly Lost
by: Fydwisdom@gmail.com

Truly Lost you are not alone! Please reach out to talk with someone on this list. I have a similar situation but found out 20 years ago. I can give you different outlets that have helped. Fydwisdom@gmail.com

There is also a very good face book group. I will get you the link.


Jun 15, 2019
Truly Lost
by: Anonymous

I recently ran into a group of people that had mentioned that did some testing through ancestryDNA and were pleasantly surprised to find out where they were from and were able to connect with some new relatives. Not long after our conversation I happened to see an advertisement for Ancestry and thought I’d give it a try.
All seemed to go well and once my results came back I received a few emails from people (3rd and 4th cousins) that questioned me about family names that I may know. Nothing sounded familiar, which wasn’t a big surprise as I don’t know much about my family. About three months later I received an email from what appeared to be a first cousin. I recognized the last name as our family doctor when I was very young.
I was a bit thrown and wasn’t sure what was going on, but my first cousin asked if we could speak. Before calling, I called my 85 year old father who said he had no idea what the heck I was talking about. As I thought about it, I became more and more uncomfortable. I called him again and said we need to talk. It was then that he admitted that he was dreading this call for so many years. He finally admitted to me that my mother had 16 year affair with this man and he was not my father. I didn’t know how to respond. My mother passed away 25 years ago and never said a word. My biological father has been gone for 20 years. I cannot speak to either of them.
My father admits that he was a terrible father to me. He said she never told him that I wasn’t his child, but said that during a session with the psychiatrist that they were both seeing separately, he slipped and told him. He was so angry with her and while he remained married to her for another 5 years after this, his anger came out in the form of abuse directed at me. I never understood why I was always so frightened to the point of hiding in closets and winding up in hospitals with various injuries. Soon after their divorce my mother sent me away to school and I didn’t return until she became ill with cancer and I took care of her for the two years before she passed away.
I have a half brother and sister, who I always thought were my true siblings although we’ve never been close. But, I attributed that to being sent away at a young age while they stayed home. My new first cousin has told me that my biological father has two children that are still alive, but he feels that they would be very angry to hear that I am their half brother since that would acknowledge the fact that their father had an affair.
So, no one knows other than my first cousin, my wife and my son. I did order a separate DNA test which confirmed a zero probability of my "father" being my real father. While our relationship was not strong to begin with, it has become even more strained. He has apologized to me for being the way he was and for the way he treated me out of anger towards my mother.
And so, I feel lost. Betrayed by my mother, the one person in the world I feel would be honest and true to me, never spoke a word. I hold all this inside of me and my wife doesn’t understand why I am so effected by this. I know I’m the same person that I’ve always been, but somehow I don’t feel that way. I’ve become depressed, losing weight, not able to sleep and have isolated myself. I’ve turned it inward and have constant feelings like I don’t belong. Like I was an accident. My father abused me and my mother didn’t want me around.
I’ve considered contacting my half brother and sister, but I think that might cause a lot of resentment.
I guess I alone will just have to come to terms with this and find a way to let it go.

Jun 03, 2019
Response to My Mother is a Liar
by: MarciaGo

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that this has happened to you. It is devastating to say the least. Anyway, I also wanted to tell you that you can get your DNA tested with Ancestry.com. Even if your mother were to tell you a name, it could be another lie. Ancestry will link you up to DNA relatives ( called matches), and with a little effort, you can do research (or hire someone to do it for you) and/or reach out via email to your DNA matches to figure out who your father is or was. It’s not too difficult. There are some YouTube tutorials that show you how it’s done (i.e., build a family tree) and also books about it. This will give you a sense of taking control away from your mother. I was able to figure out who my father was as well as my brother’s. Don’t give up hope!

Big hugs!❤️

Jun 03, 2019
My mother is a liar
by: Gloria Puente Horton

My mother lied about who my biological father was. She let me grow thinking the man I called Daddy was my BF. She has disowned me for 8 years now and refuses to tell me who my BF is.

Jun 02, 2019
Every one matters in our lives
by: Jennifer

Please understand that I am 56 years old and found out when my 82 year old Dad told me that I don't think I am your father. He said my Mom had an affair when he was at Ft Hood and that he knew the day she told him she was pregnant that I was another man's child. He loved me unconditionally but felt I needed to know and knew she would never tell me the truth. He is still my Dad and loved me enough to tell me the truth. I did a DNA and he was right and my biological father is now deceased so I will never know his side of the story much less how he would have felt about me because my Mom never told him. I know I have two half brothers that live in the same town that I live in and I can't reach out to them for fear of what this Truth would do to them and to their now 80 year old Mom. The hurt and pain that I live with knowing I that they will probably never know I exist is hard. Like so many people have said it makes no difference about the parents you were allowed to have good or bad. It is a fundamental need to know who you are, who are you like, family heritage, health issues and a basic need to find the people that you belong to and need to know about them to make peace with who you are. You can't change the past or the choices that were made for you but you deserve for them to tell the truth once it is known. My Mom has told no one in her family what I know is the truth about my life because of the shame she feels for the affair. So I am left feeling shame if I reach out to any of my biological family since they have no clue that I even exist. This is not a place anyone should ever have to be in. I feel no anger about their choices but feel sad that I can't be who I am.

May 19, 2019
Finding out my dad is not my biological father. Hallelujah!
by: Anonymous

In August of 2018 my life was turn upside down. I had been in the hospital for four days because my child was diagnosed as a type 1 Diabetic. Not but two weeks later I found out though a ancestry DNA test that my dad was not my biological father and that I had a sister looking for our father . I lost my mother in 2015 to brain cancer. She never told me anything. My moms family all knew and kept it from me. I confronted my what now I know is my stepdad. He could not give me any answers to whom my father might have been he said he never asked my mom cause it was none of his Business. Then he told me what does it matter anyways. I later found out that he adopted me when I was 2years old. Finding out was painful but also a relief that now I know why there was alway disconnect between me and my stepdad he always treated me differently than my brother. Growing up I always thought he hated me. And at one point in my life I wished I was dead. I remember always saying to myself this can’t be my dad. I use to wish my parents would get divorce. No one in the family knew my fathers name just that he was Puerto Rican My sister mother had never told her anything but his name Jose Rivera that was from Miami well that is a common Latin name so there was no way to pinpoint trying to find him So I signed up for every dna test I could fine. To try and find a closer Relative. On my birthday Feb. 2019. I checked my email from 23 & me and found my fathers family I have 3more sisters and 4 brothers. But unfortunately my Father passed away in 2017. I was told by my siblings that our dad was kept away from me they were both just 16 when my mom got pregnant and both dropped out for high school. My dad was kicked out of his house. My mom later was engaged to my stepdad when my father Tried to come back and wanted to have me in his life he had waited to get a job. At the time my mom and dad were only 18. My stepdad was 27 and was able to provide for us . my mom moved got married and changed my last name. So this is the part that is killing me knowing that I had a father that wanted me in his life it broke his heart that he didn’t know where. I was but he made sure he told my brothers and sisters about me. It was so wrong what they did to him and me. I have been told I should just get over it and let it go. I know I need to move on but it’s only been 3 months since I found out all about my father its just really hard not to feel so angry. But I have met one sister and my four brothers they only live 1hour away from me. They speak highly of our father and tell me how happy it would have made him to see me. Well that’s my story feels better just to get that out I haven’t really told to many people just yet.

May 17, 2019
I found out my father was not my bio father
by: Anonymous

My mother only told me about my real father 4 months ago because i found out she was lying, i found im half Spanish and i met my bio father but im not allowed ever to talk about it to the dad that raised me and not to mention i went to Spain and feel this is unfair. When i was a little girl i used to dream my dad here wasnt my real dad. I suffered horrendous addiction and alcohol problems because my relationship with my mother was never very good and i sensed all my life she was hiding something from me. I now know i wasnt mad and i get on with my bio dad good and im very like him. Im still a bit sad that my dad here isnt mine but dhit happens, i will never trust my mother again, she threatened to throw herself under a train when she knew i knew so that shows me her strength of character. I think im going to distance myself she came from a dysfunctional home and i know deep down she isnt good for me, she never has been, she cares for people that are sick to feel good and abandons other family members. Ive done enough rehab to know that shes better off out my life. I wish you well. Im still hurt i found out but my Spanish family are good people and they are loving. I can concentrate on my own kids and be real with them.

May 10, 2019
Who.is my real father
by: Anonymous

I found out last year that my father who raised me is not my real father and I hate my mum for that. She says bad things about my real dad that he was a useless man, a drunkard. She said my father who raised me was an umbrella. That showed me some mothers are really selfish. They do this confusion of life partners and just drag us children in their stupid worlds akl my fathers d i.e. s as and my father the one that raised me died not knowing am not his child but my real father knew me from afar. Why do mothers do such. Rather better you give your child to the real father and carry on in your love world. I have bonded with nthe other siblings 40yrs from my other father now how do I tell them, how do I face them? It's such an embarrassment. I have cut ties with my mother. I am really pieced with this issue. I am numb. I feel nothing for them.

May 02, 2019
No clue for 50 years.
by: Jimmy Ipock

I found out three weeks ago that my dad was not my bio-dad. I literally had no clue and never a reason to question for the last 50 years. My brother go on 23andme and I was alerted to him. His results didn't look right, so I called him and up and he said "I was expecting your call". My mom had told him to never submit his dna to any site because I would figure it all out.

I did figure it out...

Apr 22, 2019
For Who I Am
by: Anonymous

Just wanted to add, you will never understand. You will never know just how it feels to learn that your dad, the one you’ve been lead to believe was your real, biological father actually is NOT. The pain. The confusion. The loss.

You will never understand how it feels to wonder things like "Do I look like him? Do I act like him? Do we like the same things?"

You will never understand the devastation when finding out your biological father has passed and that you’ll never have the opportunity to meet him.

You will just NEVER understand.

Apr 22, 2019
For Who Am I
by: Anonymous

That is sooooo nice that you were able to provide a really nice man to be your daughter’s "Dad." But that doesn’t make him her father. The title of Father is reserved in this case for the person whose DNA she shares. She will come to realize the importance of her great Dad - in time. It’s so easy for you to bypass the present shock, betrayal and rejection she’s feeling presently and say that she/we should look at all the good stuff, but she’s still stuck in the bad stuff. She needs your sympathy and empathy now, not your righteousness. Climb down off your soapbox, lady, you forced your daughter to live a lie. Your lie! She had a right to know and should have been told when she was five or so. Then at least it wouldn’t have been such a shock because at that young age she wouldn’t have been able to process all the implications. She would have processed it little by little over the course of her life. If her dad was indeed great, she alone could have assessed whether he showed any favoritism for his own children. She has been betrayed big time which is going to cause serious issues with her being able to trust, not only you and your husband, but everyone. Any way you slice this, it creates a wound, but it needn’t have been a wound of betrayal by the two people she trusted most.

So sad for her.

Apr 22, 2019
Who I am
by: Anonymous

My daughter has been blessed with being raised by the most caring man any child could wish for and I continue to pray for unity. Her BF and I split before she was born and moved away. He choose from the beginning to not have anything to do with her. I knew I would raise her on my own and I was ok with this decision. When she was 3 I met her 'DAD' and married a year later and thus began our life. We raised her in a loving family and never ever was she treated as anything different then his. He would lay down his life for her. Now she is 40 and being told he is not her BF and it saddens me when I read. "my real " dad or my "real family" I can't wrap my head or heart around that statement. I know of families that treat kids differently but this was never the case. Everyone of our kids were treated equal. I have read every word of everyones statements trying to find peace with our decision. And the only conclusion I seem to come up with is every family must look deep into their hearts and please see the love. The love that made you and the love that raised you. If you feel you need to explore finding your "BF" never forget "the DAD" that was there for 37 years. He was the one who drove you dances, practices and school. He is the dad who molded you into the women you are today. The dad who for all these years hurt more than you if things did not go your way. In looking in the face you feel will show you "who you are" I think you need to look into the eyes of this "dad" and see "You are you" because of DNA from the BF but equally important TLC from your "DAD" and the family who raised you. I pray for all the NPE that you can find peace with decisions made upon you, but try and see all sides and seek guidance in your heart and your life journey.

Apr 21, 2019
To why does it matter
by: Anonymous

It matters because I should have the dignity of knowing. I didn't do anything wrong and I have a right to know about my genetic inheritance. I don't love my dad any less; in fact, I love him even more because he was a gift God gave me. He loved me with all his heart, even when he didn't have to, and I will be forever grateful he was my dad. No one can ever take that from us. I have a right to know whose genetic material runs thru my veins, though, and what that might mean. My brother will always be my only brother, but I had a compelling need to see and meet one of my other brothers to make sure I'm not missing something. I met one of them and he was wonderful, but he will never be my brother, only a relative. I know you are hurt and scared, but give your child some space to figure it out and they will be back. There is much more to being a parent than DNA and if you were a good parent, there is plenty of room in your child's heart for all of you.

Apr 20, 2019
In response to 'Why does it matter"
by: Anonymous

Your arrogance, willful ignorance, and complete lack of empathy is showing.
These demonstrated behaviors make for bad parenting, whether you are your child's biological father or not. Encouraging you to seek professional support from an experienced therapeutic clinician with a focused specialization in family systems dealing with questioned paternity and paternity fraud.
Your short sighted and destructive perspectives regarding how individuals become healthy, autonomous beings need help, for your family's sake.

Apr 20, 2019
Any suggestions
by: Anonymous

A mother's kept secret is told in truth

I'm on this site because I have compassion for my granddaughter I have never met and wanted to know what she must be going through. You see I had a son at the age of 15 gave up for adoption for I thought at the time for a better life, I found him 10 years ago he was 32 and I was 52 years old.I was overjoyed to of found him. My whole life searching for him. He told me of the children he had my grandchildren. I met the two that he had separated from the mom when they where babies. I have a great relationship with them. He had another relationship with another woman and separate from her when there baby was a infant. He told me her name so of course I wanted to met her. I contacted the mother on facebook telling her I'm her grandmother and she told me to give her my info and will keep it but doesn't want me to have contact with my granddaughter because the dad is not a good man. So when my granddaughter was around 14 I asked if I could have contact and she said no. So when she was 18 I contacted her my granddaughter on facebook and she was surprised who I was, it was then I realized she never knew that her real dad was my son and her mom had told her her whole life that her step-dad was her biological father.Her mom had lied to her and I'm sure she was and is devastated. We where chatting back and fourth on facebook exchanging pics and everything was great for 2 days then the mom gave it to me saying I'm selfish person and my granddaughter wants nothing to do with me I know that is not true. Her mom said to leave her alone and sent me nasty email. I know her mom is upset that I told my granddaughter the truth and all the hidden truth is out in the open and her step-dad and other step brothers are not biological. How she most feel I love her and don't even know her I shared pics with her of my side and her sisters and brothers. How could her mom be so mean even now that it is out in the open not to want her to knew me.I know my granddaughter wants contact with me and her mother is making threats not to. I know my granddaughter will contact but I worry about her well being as she must have so many emotions and trust issues now. Any suggestions should I wait till she contacts me? I'm sure she doesn't know her mom has sent so many awful texts to me to stay away. All because her lies are revealed.

Apr 03, 2019
What matters
by: Betrayed

Most people don't understand. It might be impossible to understand or even explain. But I am going to try.

Growing up in a family that does not reflect who you are is difficult. It is daunting. Your ability to communicate and interact with your daughter is biologically impaired. This has nothing to do with how you feel or if you are a good person.

There exists a connection between biological family members. After meeting my real brothers and sisters I could not believe the similarities. I spoke like them. I walked like them. I used the same inflections. We had the same beliefs. I never knew any of them. But I knew them as if we have never been apart.

Knowing them in this way made me realize who I am. My whole life I tried to fit in with people that were not me. I blamed myself for not knowing how to exist like them. I wasn't me. I was somebody trying to fit in. I lived a lifetime of doubt for the sake of my real parents comfort.

A lifetime of decisions made against my own nature. The loss of possibilities was heart wrenching. The losses of who you are and who you could have been pile up. The pain from the loss is intense. Which is the dominant sensation. Intense loss.

It is always interesting how everybody else feels like their needs are more important. How your own needs should be subjigated to theirs. I would venture a guess that you are doing just that. Putting your needs over hers.

Hopefully your daughter is smart enough to put you and all those incapable seeing her as the person that requires some empathy behind her. Because if this is the case, then all you are is nothing but a painful reminder of everything she has been through.

Let me make this simple. If you can't put her needs above your own at this point, then you probably never have her entire life. If you are a decent person you can do one of two things. Either make yourself worthy of being part of her life. Or get the hell out of it.

Courage is your friend.

Mar 18, 2019
It matters
by: HereNorThere

To the person posting "why does it matter." Let me ask you this, if you found out your wife was cheating on you and had a child with another man, and lied about it decades would you be upset? What if you found out that your entire family knew but helped her keep the secret. Every time you were in the room with your mother, father, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. they all knew as well. What if she forced you to raise another mans child without you knowing? What if her excuse was "Sure, I’ve been cheating on you the whole time we’ve been together and everyone knew but you, buuut I was a good wife so it shouldn’t matter. I made you breakfast, cleaned the house and loved you." Would that magically make the betrayal go away? It wouldn’t and you know that.

You would feel deeply betrayed and hurt. Now imagine this times a million, and that’s how we feel. We’ve been betrayed by our entire family. The

You need to learn some empathy, old man. Put yourself in your daughter’s shoes. You’ve completely destroyed her entire world and it will never be the same. She will never know what it’s like to completely trust another person again. You have affected every relationship she will ever have. You’ve completely shattered her whole indentity. Most of us have a hard time even looking in the mirror now. We used to our parents characteristics in ourselves. You have stolen that from us.

Shame on you. What you’ve done is unbelievably horrible. You’ve told thousands of lies and tried to play god. And it wasn’t for her benefit, it was for yours. You didn’t want to deal with her reaction to the truth, so you selfishly betrayed her. Anything that you’ve ever done good for her is completely negated. You have caused her more pain than anyone could ever have. For me personally, it’s hard to even find the will to leave. Knowing that the people you trusted the most were conspiring with you entire family against you. It’s so sickening.

Mar 15, 2019
to MarciaGo❤️
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for your comment. I didn't want to reply back to "why does it mater" because I don't "blog argue" and am not a troll. I was having a rough day trying to wrap my head around what I just experienced, not by my choice, and was here on this site looking for people who have been through this for the possibility that someone who'd actually been through this might say something that could help, and instead I got "why does it matter" lol... Thank you again for your comments, and defense of my feelings!

Mar 15, 2019
To Why Does It Matter
by: Anonymous

I read your post below, and I get it that you don’t understand WHY IT MATTERS to your daughter that she’s not your flesh and blood. It matters because she’s someone else’s. So simply put, who she thought she was is a lie. I know you still don’t get it because my husband had difficulty understanding it too. It apparently has to happen to a person for them to grasp the totality of the implications. For me, the more I thought about it, the worse it got. It was layer upon layer of realization. It was like being pummeled with facts. For instance: Who knew about this? Did my biological father know I existed? Do I have half siblings? Who was my father? Am I like him? Am I a dirty secret that my mother tried to hide? Is that why she didn’t love me? Oh God, my grandpa wasn’t really my grandpa. Now I’ll never get to know my father ( he had already passed away). And then there’s the absolute RAGE at my mother for keeping this from me until I was 66 yrs old.

Then there’s the absolute rethinking of all the things you THOUGHT about your life and your identity. I explained it to my husband like this: I said, "You know how you said you used to idolize your father when you were a kid because he was a cross country truck driver?" He replied, "Yes." I continued "Then you grew up and became a truck driver. You identified with your father. In your mind, you thought ‘I’m like my dad. I like trucks just like my dad.’ That identification with your dad was a building block upon which you built your identity in your mind. So, what if I told you that it was all a lie? He wasn’t even your real father." It’s like the foundation of your identity is pulled out from under you and you feel lost and adrift.

See even when I try to explain this to you, I feel as though I’m failing to explain what this feels like. It’s emotionally devastating, and especially so (I would imagine) for someone who had a good step father. It is layer upon layer of grieving for the losses. It’s so many damn feelings that it just overwhelms a person. Read the posts on this blog. They may sound like overreactions to you, but trust me they are not. I suppose there are those for whom this is no big deal, but I believe they are in the minority.

My mother cheated on both of her husbands. She had five children by four different men. So my youngest brother and I were the illegitimate ones. My brother and I took this really hard. So it’s not just females who experience this with great difficulty.

So, I hope this answers your question about why it matters. I’m sure there are many others reason that I haven’t mentioned like the health implications, but I’m trying to cut this short so I can feed my pets. FYI, it took me 2-1/2 yrs to get over this so please be patient with your daughter.


Mar 13, 2019
this is all new to me
by: Anonymous

I found out 3 weeks ago. less then 2 months after the man that raised me and who "everyone" thought was my BF passed away. My BF passed away in 2007. I've connected with his other children who are my 1/2 siblings and the whole thing is consuming me every day. I'm 55 and have 4 children and 5 grandchildren. Mind blown, and not handling it very well.
I'm hoping it gets better. I saw a response here that said its like a divorce, and time will heal, Not true for me, at least not now or yet.
I don't even know why I wrote this here today...

Mar 13, 2019
Why does it matter
by: Anonymous

My daughter found out that I am not her biological father. I knew there was a possibility, my wife told me there was. It didn't matter then and it doesn't matter today.

How are you devastated? Was your Dad that bad of a person, did you live a difficult life in his care? After learning that you are not his biological child, what changed? He still loves and cherishes you.

You want to announce it to the world. Have you thought about the affects on your parents? How will it affect their lives?

You feel cheated, why? Was your life so bad? Your mother made the decision to keep you. Think about that for a moment.

Sure find out about your BF. You need to do so for yourself, medical reasons and family history.

My daughter wants the world to know that I am not her BF. Which tells everyone that her mother slept with another man.

Why tell? What does it matter? What is there to gain?

I am proud of my daughter and her family. She is my daughter since the day she was born. As are her sister and brother.

Mar 08, 2019
Response to Michael
by: MarciaGo

Hi Michael,
I just finished reading your post. So sorry to hear about your shocking news. I don’t know what your mother was thinking when she decided to keep this from you. I think some women just want the "perfect" story in regards to their life, as if there is such a thing. She probably didn’t tell her closest friends either. Maybe she and your adopted father decided that it was better not to tell you. Who knows.

My mother took the attitude that the one who does the job is the "father," totally ignoring the stupidity of that view. I’m sorry, but it does matter who your biological was is or was - it matters greatly to those of us who have experienced this injustice. It’s not right or kind to lie to a child or adult about who they are. It’s cruel and extremely damaging. However, those who haven’t been through this can’t fanthom the psychological ramifications; the depth of the grief for the loss of our father (in the instance where he has passed away before we learned of his existence), the betrayal we feel, the shock to our identity, etc. It is a ripple of seismic proportions! No exaggeration!

I am a woman, so the name thing after some consideration became mute. But I understand how you feel. It’s like you want to take back that which was stolen from you. My mother did this to my youngest brother and I. My brother is 60 yrs old now with 7 grandchildren - two of whom are boys who along with their father (my brother’s son) wear the wrong surname. I am 69 yrs old now. We found out 3 yrs ago. So, if it means that much to you, change your name. This has bothered my brother a lot.

In regard to your grandfather, I doubt that the look he had when you kissed him was anything but sorrow. I’m sure my grandparents knew about me, but I don’t feel as though I was treated any differently even if they did feel differently in their hearts. I felt aggrieved that my grandfather wasn’t really mine because I loved him so much. He was very kind to me whereas his son was cruel, abusive and rejecting.

Oh well, there is little that can be done now to set right that which was destroyed by our mothers. But, you can change your name - that you can do. And you can express your hurt to your mother. I don’t know her. Maybe she will apologize sincerely. Maybe that will help. My mother is a narcissist so of course, in her mind she did nothing wrong and doesn’t care about the pain she has caused. It’s just one of those things. I do, however, think it is much more devastating than say having your spouse betray you because there are so many more factors envolved. So just be good to yourself, feel your feelings even the angry, awful ones, and eventually you will arrive at a place where you can move on.

Good luck.

Mar 08, 2019
Not my biological father
by: Michael

I think we need a support group

In 2013 I discovered the person I thought was my father in every sense of the word was in act not by biological father.

How I found out.

I work as a civilian trainer for the military I have security clearance to a reasonably high level, I need my passport to be present when I enter some sensitive bases. on one occasion in Feb 2013 I took my passport to a visit, I was not asked to show it as my ID was sufficient for this area I was accessing. upon returning home I discovered my passport was missing. I had therefore to report it missing and cancel it then apply for a new one quickly. During the process I had to reach out to my mother to confirm the dates and exact year of her & my father birth (obviously I knew mum & dads birthdays, but not the years) she shared this information. Then while I was talking to her I thought I would just check the date and year of their marriage (even though I knew that already). She told me 1962 where as we always knew it was 1960. At first I thought she had made an error, so I repeated the question, same date given. I then asked but mum by then I would have been 2 years old, was I at your wedding?.."yes". Bombshell right there. are you saying Dad is not my dad ? "yes" im 53 years old and your just now telling me that dad is not my dad? "yes" are you my mum? "yes". I was lost for words and could not get my head into what I had just been told out of the blue. So I left it applied for my passport then reached out to the people I thought were my sisters. they did not know the new either or so they say. Obviously mum had reached out to them to warn them Michael has just found out.

For me this has been devastating, I found out that I was the skeleton in the family cupboard, I have two 1/2 sisters not full sisters, I had an adoption certificate (who knew?) my current name from 2 years old is different to the name I was born with, I have a million questions and no one to ask except mum who has lied to me all my life.

Clearly I have a whole family out there who may or may not know about me how do I find them. How do I start this journey of finding out about who I am. Is my biological father a King or a Hobo? probably something in between. Does he want to know me, is he alive. Do I have other brothers or sisters, cousins, aunts uncles, who are my other grand parents? did they know about me. have my other family been looking for me?

Turns out.
I believe Mum is Mum. I believe one of my 2 (now 1/2) sisters also did not know. All the rest of the people I thought were my family actually knew I was adopted and now one thought to tell me ever! (I only ever knew family from my (now step) Fathers side. The folk who I thought were my grand parents (died before I found out) were NOT my biological grand parents. I grew up loving those people I cried like a baby at the funeral of (who I thought was) my grandpa. All the time he knew he wasn't. So now I know why the family looked at me like I was an freak at his funeral. I now know why he looked like I had stabbed him in the hart when I kissed him on the cheek just before he died.

I found my real fathers family by luck in 2014. Shout out to Ancestor.com. My real family knew about me and had searched for years and gave up. My real grand parents were devastated I was taken away and only gave up searching for me when they died. one or two of my real dads brothers (he had 7 brothers) do not believe I did not know about them. Despite my assurances otherwise, they think I turned my back on them. I now have pictures of DAD he was married to mum so my mum has been married twice (who knew). my real dad died when I was 6 months old. my mum remarried a while later.

current situation.

In 2019 I am 58 and settled with my new identity. I am wrestling with do I change my name back to my birth name. I found my dads grave. My life has settled down. I would love a support group of like minded people who have been though similar things.

Feb 28, 2019
DNA Test - Buyer Beware!
by: Fydwisdom@gmail.com


I was have been in your shoes since 1999. I got a fed ex in the mail.....like a nuclear bomb went off. Search this site for fydwisdom@gmail.com for my advice. Email me if you need to talk.

You can get through this!!!!!!

Feb 08, 2019
DNA Test - Buyer Beware!
by: Anonymous

I had a great childhood, I am now 37 YO, two loving parents and brother, I took these tests solely to find out more about my ancestry, that was the main reason. Never for a split second did this possibility ever cross my mind. I never felt "different" from the rest of my family.

BOOM!!! I walked away the first time, my brother who also took a test at my request, was listed as a first cousin. I was in denial.

Fast Forward around maybe 6-ish years later. I took a 23 and Me test, this time I asked my mother and father both to take it. My father was hesitant, I didn't know why. We got the results and when I went to compare my report to my father's "we could not detect identical DNA segments with (your dad)". BOOM!!! Mind blown, world torn apart.

Now I am taking it one day at a time. I have made contact with a biological aunt; her brother is my father. I plan on messaging with him. I also plan on privately chatting with my mom to find out the details. I want to get both sides of the story. If my father doesn't know I don't know if I have the heart to tell him. HE is my REAL father. I also found out I have a half-brother, and he has two daughters.

I am heartbroken, I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm so confused and sad. It's difficult to eat. I haven't been to work in a couple of days because I am such a mess. I applied to become a member of NPE Friends Fellowship (https://www.npefellowship.org/), a private support group for people in the same situation.

At least my bio aunt seems to be very excited and it sounds like their family would welcome me with open arms. They come from a huge family of ten brothers and sisters.

I am in the very beginning stages. I am lucky to be alive. I am lucky I found out early enough. I am trying very hard to be positive but it hard this is an involuntary journey, rough waters ahead, hang on everyone. It's not easy and not in our control, do the best that you can and hopefully things will work out well.

Jan 31, 2019
My journey thus far as a victim of paternity fraud/Potential solution toward preventing mothers from committing paternity fraud.
by: Patti

I'm posting here after a long absence. I stopped posting after a hostile visitor hijacked the thread, about 3 years ago, due to his becoming triggered regarding well intended posts encouraging victims of paternity fraud to 'consider' counseling toward development of coping strategies for dealing with sense of rage, resentment, anxiety, and loss, etc., IF these emotions prevent maintaining some kind of sense of well being, and being fully present in life.

And...yep. Still a proponent of therapeutic counseling in this beyond difficult journey. I credit a good counselor for helping me deal with the cataclysmic shifting of the earth's crust on the psyche that is paternity fraud.

I found out, in 2015, while taking care of my dad during his lung cancer journey that he was not my biological father. A year earlier, while sitting with him during one of his chemo treatments, he decided to tell me about my mother's infidelities. Realizing, along the way, after those mind-bending bombs were dropped that he was core dumping on me because he knew he wasn't long for this world...and he still raged about his ex wife of 35 years, 'my mom'.

He, clearly, never had the courage to confront her so he stuffed all that seething contempt in via assistance of copious amounts of beer throughout my childhood. And... Shoving it down even further through his second marriage of 33 more years, another ill-fated union with it's own just-as-sick and dysfunctional marital components.

Seems as though men of that generation (born in 1930's) just couldn't be by themselves. They'd marry just about anyone, on a dime, put up with just about anything to avoid not being married. He was highly emotionally stunted and dysfunctional, just like my mother. And, he took the easy road in lifting his burden by off-loading it onto me near the end of his life. Thanks dad.

I collected blood stained gauze from every doctor appt from said 'core dump', forward. It took me months to send the samples off. First of all, I couldn't fathom that it could be, that, this man, (who I cannot say "raised me" ...unless one regards the responsibility/act of 'raising' as: a parent simply residing in the home with child/children and drinking beer), wasn't my father.

In the years since 'the news', and his death I, of course, recognize that the anxiety I felt, daily, as a child...All the horribly difficult navigating during those critically emotionally, socially informative years, was because 'I wasn't his kid'. He avoided knowing that, even though he knew. Again, the beer helped him with that colossal maladaptive coping strategy. And... My mother was all to eager to help him in his denial as she, desperately, needed to keep her paternity fraud a big, 'ol, fat secret.

The way they both interacted with me, the way their relational dysfunction and marital misery caused my two siblings to interact with me, WAS the reason for my not-exactly-happy childhood and adolescence....not to mention being launched into adulthood at 16, because my mother met a man, eloped, and moved to across the country. She had moved on. She was divorced from the man she allowed to believe a lie she spun and would maintain for decades. She was remarried. I was a teen at the time. SHe could have told me, then, about my father. She chose to protect herself from perceived shame. She was self involved and selfish on a level that defies definition.

A lie of paternity is the most insidious relation-centric force known to man and woman-kind. It's not the paternity part, nearly as much as it's the 'fraud' part, that lays waste.

But, I digress. I sent to two different dna testing companies, months after my mother died in 2014. I regret not feeling more sense of urgency to send them in for testing. Again, I couldn't fathom that he wasn't my father. What made me decide to collect blood stained gauze was this, 'one', odd thing he said to me when I looked at him, upon hearing him tell of my mother's infidelity(s) and asking him if the fidelity(s) occurred around the time of my birth...and, then, the awkward, "Dad. Are you sure I'm your daughter?"...the response was a chemo-soaked chortle, then a guttural...."UuuuuuH. I think so."

I would have shown her the test results. She would have looked me in the face, and lied, likely. By then, at age 78, lying about her past was as automatic a coping mechanism for her absent self esteem as was her two pack a day cigarette addiction. I loved her. She was my mother. She made a mess that can't 'ever' be cleaned up. I wouldn't have judged her choices to have sex with whoever she chose. But, it's humanly impossible to 'not' judge her for robbing me of my birthright...stealing, hiding away 'forever' any hope of a relationship with with my father.

A mother owes her child the truth about their biological father. At some reasoned point in time, a mother MUST disclose to her child that there is questioned paternity. There is no excuse for non disclosure, ever...no matter the circumstance. If a woman has sex with more than one man within a month's time, she can't possibly be 'certain' who the biological father is. No matter how difficult it is, she MUST obtain clinical verification of paternity, when she has had intercourse with more than one man in short time frame. Further, Men MUST come to grips with the shocking statistics associated with women lying about paternity. It is unequivocally a father's responsibility to make the demand of a paternity test that leaves no doubt that they are the biological father of said child.

It should be a matter of law that every child born is tested with named father on birth certificate. That, alone, would prevent the inexpressible devastation that comes in the wake of paternity fraud.

I have more recently determined who my father was. He was alive just 7 years ago. I have a picture of him. I deserved the opportunity to know him. I would have had that opportunity if not for my mother's unconscionable act of betrayal of withholding paternity reality.

It can't be undone....the damage she did to me. And, to make it all the more devastating; She got to go to her grave never having had to do the work of being accountable to deal with the consequences of her choice.

I soldier on, despite her choice. I wish all of you, bearing this indefensible wrong you endure, abundant peace.

Jan 28, 2019
News that keeps on giving
by: Anonymous

I found out about 2 years ago (at the age of 49) that my father is not my biological father. My mother had a long term affair with the man who was my biological father. All, my parents and my biological father, are now gone. My siblings knew about this and my sister finally told me. I also found out that I have half brothers from my biological father, who happen to live very close by. I really want to reach out to them, mostly for medical history, but also out of deep curiosity. I don't want to disrupt their lives or force myself on them but I would love to communicate and get some questions answered.

Like others, this has really effected me so much. I can go a while and not think of it but something always brings me back to it. It has caused me to question my identity. While my father was very loving and treated me so well, I still have a lot of anger toward both him and my mom (and actually my biological father too) for forcing their lie on me. I understand they had their reasons and that it was a different time but they had to know it would come out eventually.

Anyway, thank you for reading my story. It actually feels a little better to know that there are others out there like me (though I am sorry for anyone who has to go through this!).

Jan 22, 2019
Dear Sad
by: Anonymous

I am very impressed with the emotions you have expressed. Without knowing the exchanges you’ve had with your daughter, it’s hard to say what to do. But I think I would somehow express your feelings to her. Her feelings might change if she gets a sense that you really care about her. Tell her you will respect her feelings, but that you hope she will find it in her heart to give you a chance to know her.

When I first found out about my BF, I felt resistant to new family members too. My BF has been deceased many years, but a second cousin provided me with photos and family history, etc. for which I will forever be in her debt. But now I’ve tested with Ancestry.com, 23AndMe, and FamilyTree DNA hoping to one day find out that I have a half sibling from my BF. It’s doubtful though because my BF was 19 yrs older than my mother who is now 90. Still, the point is, I’ve changed my mind about this. At first, I didn’t want any new siblings because I love the ones I have.

Your wife is probably right. You may need counseling to help you with this. It is something she may have trouble accepting and may grow to resent or become jealous about. So I guess what I’m saying is, you need someone other than your wife with whom you can e press your hurt feelings.

Hope this helps.



Jan 22, 2019
Dear Lost
by: Anonymous

Hi, I just read your post. Big hugs for you. I’ve post many times on this site - just so you know up front. I know how you feel. I had a really stable, but screwed up childhood. I was 66 yrs old when I found out about my BF. But what I want to tell you here and now is this is something that’s going to grab you by the throat and pull you down a rabbit hole.

I have struggled with depression my whole life. I’ve had some pretty serious things happen that would warrant a good dive into the dark pit, but this was the icing on the cake for me. I want to suggest that you get a really good counselor who can help you with this. They can determine whether you will need medication to get through this or not. Whatever they advise, please listen to them.

For me there was a delay in the downward spiral. It seemed bad, then better, then really bad again...kind of a roller coaster. The more you think about it - and believe me you will - the worse it gets.

One thing you might consider is having your DNA tested with Ancestry.com. That way you could reach out to your DNA matches on your BF side and maybe get a sense of who you are. Don’t fault you BF too much. I think many young people panic at the thought of having a child and think that abortion will take the heat off. It’s a dastardly thing, abortion. This country has been sold a bill of goods on that abhorrent procedure. Your BF may feel differently about you now. If you don’t care to know him, that’s your prerogative - but just give it some thought. It can’t hurt to meet him at least once, but don’t do it with an attitude.

About your emotional problems, they may stem from the sense that you didn’t feel you resembled your family. I think many of us felt the same way - as if we knew on some level. Even so, having an inkling that something isn’t right and actually finding out the truth are two very different things. Read the posts on this sight so you will see that you are not alone. There are so many feelings to process that it really is overwhelming!

It’s been three plus years for me and I must say the depression I experienced really scared me! I’m doing much better now, but like you I want to hold onto my sanity. I am doing my best to take care of myself and not take on more than I can handle. You do the same and I’ll be praying for you.


Jan 21, 2019
Feel cheated
by: sad

Found out I had a daughter from girl in HS two decades later after looking up old friends on facebook. Contacted mother who denied I was the father but I knew when I looked at the photo of her oldest daughter she was mine. I contacted the girl and after a year of not hearing anything I get asked by the daughter to take a paternity test which came out positive. This has devastated me emotionally and even worse the daughter just wanted to find out her medical history and did not want any sort of relationship, cant even count how many times I have cried over this when I am alone even though I have a family and kids. All I want is to hug this girl and get to know her. Wife thinks I need to see a therapist over all of this.

Jan 20, 2019
I was the elephant in the room & everyone knew
by: Lost

Today my mom sat me down and revealed my dad is not my biological father..I am almost 28 years old. I've always looked different than the rest of my family and I'd even joke that I was adopted.. I have 3 half brothers and a half sister..or so I thought.. My mom shared that she briefly dated someone before my dad - my BF wanted her to get an abortion and they broke up. My mom and dad started dating while she was pregnant with me and he raised me as I was his own. When I was younger I suffered from depression,alcoholism, panic attacks, and was suicidal. I have been sober for the last two years and am finally stable and doing well for myself. My parents claim they didn't want to tell me then because ( mostly my mom ) was worried I'd hurt myself /be unable to handle the truth. My dad had been wanting to tell me for a long time but my mom is very over protective. I see where they are coming from,but I can't help but feel hurt.I don't care about my BF because he was a deadbeat who wanted me aborted. He never reached out when my mom kept the lines of communication wide open. the worst part is my whole family knew about this. My own "siblings", their significant others and my grandparents. I was the big elephant in the room. It is true, I am in a better place now, but I cant help but worry if this will put me back into a dark place. How do I deal with this? I love my parents and I don't want to be angry. But it just feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Jan 17, 2019
by: Anonymous

On December 27, 2018, I found out that the man I always thought was my biological father, was not. I am 56 years of age. My mother is alive, but my father is deceased. In addition, after I discovered who my BF is, I also discovered that he is also deceased. I would love to have had the opportunity to meet him, but, because of my mother's secret, I never will have that opportunity.

Initially, I felt the most overwhelming sense of betrayal by my mother. Fortunately for her, I have a very understanding and forgiving heart, and I do not believe in grudges. However, I am now left with a huge dilemma...I have no idea how to approach this subject with my mom. She is elderly, and mentally/emotionally frail. She may not know for sure that my dad was not my BF, but, she certainly had to know that she had sex with another man while she was married to my dad! I look like my BF! Because of her infidelity, and for keeping this from me for 56 years, the betrayal I felt was huge! Then, I put myself in her shoes. There probably would not have been an ideal time to tell me. My dad adored me, and I adored him! When he passed I was only 19. Maybe that would have been the best time to let me know - who knows. I always wondered if I was adopted, because I look so much different from my sisters. I used to ask my mom if I was. Maybe that would been a good time to let go of her secret.

My advice to any mother going through this, is TELL YOUR CHILD the truth as soon as she/he is old enough to understand. It is selfish and extremely unfair for a child to think one person is their BF, and then find out years (or in my case, decades) later, that it was someone else. Had my mom told me sooner, I would have been able to talk with my BF and ask all of the questions I have now, that will never be answered. In addition, maybe my BF would have wanted a relationship with me if he had known about me. We have both been robbed of that potential.

One good thing that has come from this...I have a half brother who is six years younger, and lives just a few miles from me. We have already met (once) and we have so much in common with regard to our personality. It's pretty awesome! I come from a family of four girls, so this is a welcome surprise!

There should be a support group for us all! I don't know how to discuss this with my mom, and I don't want to go about it the wrong way. I have her best interest at heart, and I don't want her to feel any embarrassment or shame, however, I refuse to live HER lie. I have a brother now, and I want him to be a part of my/our life. What do I do?

Dec 26, 2018
Guilty Mother
by: Anonymous

Dear Mother,

You know sometimes babies are put up for adoption. The mother relinquishing her child may think she is providing a better life for her child. But you know there is absolutely no guarantee that their child will land in a marriage that will be free of divorce, financial hardships, or child abuse of some kind.

There is no guarantee that your child will have a better life because you want to protect her from knowing the "truth." Trust me when I say that many of us who have been the victim of this horrendous injustice knew on some level that our dads weren’t our dads. Many of us who tested with Ancestry did so because we questioned what we could see with our own two eyes. You don’t have to be a brain surgeon to look at someone and plainly see that you don’t resemble them.

For some reason you have bought into the fantasy that you won’t be exposed, but you are sorely mistaken. You are risking the loss of your daughter’s love when she finds out that she isn’t who she thought she was, and the person she trusted the most in her life lied to her for X number of years. Read the posts. It’s the most devastating thing I’ve been through and believe me, my life has been really difficult.

You have already lost your husband’s love. He just doesn’t know it yet. But for some reason, you’re content to use him and deceive him which says a whole lot about your character. You’ve made a really boneheaded mistake and the decision to conceal it will ultimately be your downfall. But go ahead and delude yourself into believing you’re doing what is best for your daughter. Please.

I was 66 yrs old when I found out my mother had lied to me my entire life. She said in a defiant way, "I did what I thought was best." I said, "No. You did what was best for you." She said, "Dr. Laura said that the person who does the job is the father." To which I replied, "I don’t give a f**k what Dr. Laura said. She knew who her father was!" Unless it has happened to you, you have no idea what this does to a person’s phyche. At this time, it’s been three years for myself and my youngest brother, who she also passed off as her husband’s child, and neither of us is over it. I don’t know if it’s even possible to get over it.

So good luck. I’m not even going to tell you what you should do because if after reading the posts on this site, you haven’t figured it out, there’s something wrong with you.

Denial is a self serving brick wall!

Dec 25, 2018
I'm the mother
by: Anonymous

I am reading these comments because I am a mother who has a child that doesn't belong to my husband. I felt that I had no choice but to keep this a secret to provide her with a better life but I am so unsure of what is the right thing to do. Her biological father will not be a part of her life and I will not be able to provide for her on my own. I don't want her to grow up and find out this news and have her life be ruined either. This is truly a heartbreaking situation regardless of what I do so I am asking people who have been though this for help even though I know that I am going to encounter a lot of anger. I know that straying from my marriage was terrible and it truly was the first time I ever strayed (not that it makes it any better) and I just want to do what is best for my baby.

Dec 06, 2018
I missed out on my birth father's love growing up
by: Linda

My mother never told my birth father he had a child and as a result I missed out on his love growing up. When I was old enough to get an ancestry dna test she tried to dissuade me. She made up lies about my father in an effort to get me not to take the test. Well, I took the test and found my Dad right away. OH MY GOD, the love that my birth dad had for me! He said he loved me more than anything in the world, even before meeting me, and when we did meet, I could tell that it was true. He said my mother disappeared from his life and never told him about me. I now have a huge family that loves me and all of this was denied me because my mother was selfish! I personally think my mother was looking for a certain lifestyle and so she left my birth dad, who by the way, turns out to be educated and quite well off. She was so shallow in her mindless thinking. She lied to me and robbed from me what was rightfully mine and not hers to steal: the love of my birth Dad, my cousins (I have so many!), my aunts,uncles, and grandparents. And she thought that this was ok and that she had the right to do this. It breaks my heart and I truly don't feel that I love her anymore. All of my cousins speak so lovingly of their grandparents, but I am the only one who never met them. This is what my mother has done to me! I had a great step dad, but that doesn't replace the love of my birth dad. Even though I am an adult, I feel like my birth father's little girl. The way he and his family (my family now!)it makes me realize how much love I missed growing up. I really do not trust my mother anymore. I feel that she planted these feelings of resentment in me. Mothers need to realize that a child's father and his family belong to the child and not her. It is not for her to hide, throw away, or lie about. It belongs to the child.

Dec 02, 2018
Me too and I’m completely devastated
by: Anonymous

I’m in my mid 50’s, did 23 and me to see if I had a gene for a disease. Found out my Father who raised me was not my
Biological dad. My mother says this isn’t true. My dad that raised me is dead and my biological father is dead. I have half siblings that don’t know and my siblings don’t know. I’m completely broken.

Nov 27, 2018
This should serve as a lesson to mothers
by: Jenny

This should serve asa lesson to mothers who have lied to their children about their birth fathers. Not telling the father that they havea child is evil. Not telling the child about her father is beyond evil. Waiting until the burth father is dead...well you have just solidified the pain because healing will be very hard at that point. The mother stole relationships from the child that belonged only to the child! How selfish! If you are a mother who has done this,I pray that you will let your child about her father while he is still alive. Don't assume that he will be alive when she is older...things happen and people die. The first step is to tell the birth father before telling the child. If he says he wants to meet his child...then tell the child the truth. This way you know sheqon't be rejected. I believe the vast majority of men would want to meet their child and have a relationship. Don't be afraid. The other option is having your child hate you when she gets older.

Nov 21, 2018
by: Anonymous

Jodi, just in case you don't know, kids grow up to be adults!... Some adults don't find out who their biological father's are until... well, until they are adults!... It shouldn't bother you that I just want to do the right thing before my son gets to that point... Jodi, I hope you have a great day and a very happy Thanksgiving!!

Nov 21, 2018
I missed out on my birth father's love growing up
by: Jodi

This is what I can't stand about comments. The OP tells us what it was like finding out about her birth father, then a comment from Linda who does the same. So far so good. But then Ladybug and Charlie hijack the discussion to talk about affairs and the implications of tha in coming out to a child. That belongs somewhwee else. Couldn't you find a blog about tha to comment on. THIS WAS A GREA THREAD WHEN IT WAS JUST ABOUT THE ADULT KIDS WHO FOUND THEIR BIRTH FATHERS!

Nov 19, 2018
and a little more
by: Ladybug

Also, when you think about it, the real tragedy was the affair. Coming clean about the affair will cause pain, yes, but the truly hurtful action already took place. Lying for years and years afterward would compound the betrayal even more and potentially cause future pain to your child. Perhaps don't make a complicated, emotion-laden situation even more complicated and devastating by keeping secrets.

Nov 19, 2018
The truth hurts sometimes.
by: Ladybug

I think it would've been easier to have, in a sense, "always known" the truth about my paternity, like from a baby instead of having it revealed to me later on. For the sake of your son's future mental health and because the truth sets people free, I would recommend coming clean with the child's step-dad even though this news could crush him. He will then have the option to grieve and heal. I believe you would want to know if you were in his shoes so you could make choices about the future on the basis of reality, as painful as it may be. It's a kindness to him really and to the child's mom as well-- keeping a secret like that will eat her up over time unless she hardens her conscience completely. It will be a lot easier for you and the baby to bond if you are able to start now.

Nov 19, 2018
by: MarciaGo

Dear Charlie,

I have posted many times on this topic. This exact thing happened to my younger brother. It happened to me too, but details are slightly different. We both found out about three years ago via Ancestry, but both of us kind of figured it out on some level. Still, finding out definitely was a terrible emotional shock. Read a few posts and you will see what I mean.

My mother had an affair with her boss and passed him off as her husband’s child. My step father was a physically abusive, unaffectionate, rejecting man except to his one biological son. We figure he must have known, suspected, or found out somewhere along the line because when my younger brother was a teenager, he was abusive to him as well.

Nothing says this woman will keep her secret forever. It may turn out to be a weapon she uses someday when she’s fed up with her husband. I don’t know your baby son’s mother, but I despise the fact that she has cheated on her husband, cheated you out of your son, and cheated her baby son out of his father. How can you trust her to do what’s best for your baby knowing this.

If you rat her out, chances are you will ruin their marriage and the lives of the other children. These are consequences that should have been weighed before you decided to have unprotected sex, which I’m sure you fully realize now.

From my brother’s point of view...he is crushed. He feels robbed of a father that would have loved him and his extended biological family. By the time we found out about our fathers, they had both passed on. So, we are forever bereft and unable to reconcile the pain of that loss. My brother was also robbed of an inheritance as his BF was a very successful man. He wonders if his father knew that he was his son, and if so, why he didn’t come forward to claim him. I tell him that he was a kind and loving man who probably didn’t want to ruin our family. He too was married with a family and a disabled wife. I don’t think, in his case, that he had much of a choice.

My advice to you...ALWAYS err on the side of what is true. Whatever mistakes you make in life, you should step up like a man and own them. Your decision to claim your son is not a selfish one, even though you love him and will stand to benefit from having him in your life. Your decision to claim him is what is right, true and best for him.

Nothing says that his mother won’t drag him through another marriage to a man who will mistreat him. How can you ever hope to protect him when your hands are tied? How will you ever live with the knowledge that your son will someday grow up, find out, and be absolutely decimated like the rest of us on this blog? My entire life was impacted by this kind of deception. Please don’t do this to your son.


Nov 19, 2018
by: FYDWisdom@gmail.com


This woman wants to raise your son in a toxic fairy tale. He will know intuitively that all of those people around him are not his family. And will not understand the feelings and questions that come while being raised around people that are not blood relatives. Her husband deserves to know the truth. I would meet with the husband and let him know the situation, and come up with a strategy that considers all of the children involved. If I am in your position, I am looking for full custody of my son. You have to be careful because this woman, when confronted by her husband could simply terminate the pregnancy. Given that scenario, you may have to wait to talk to the husband until after your son is born. This is a very difficult situation, but under no circumstance should the husband, your son, and her existing family be victims to this woman's unconscionable deceit. If you need to talk you can email me fydwisdom@gmail.com, I have 4 kids under 9 and one is adopted, so I have some perspective if this were dropped in my lap. My only concern with be providing a healthy / nurturing environment for all of the children involved.

Godspeed and good luck!

Nov 18, 2018
Thoughts on paternity?
by: Charlie

This is from another point of view. I had an affair with a married woman and she became pregnant. She gave birth in June of this year. We have since had DNA test done and I am the biological father. She doesn't want to tell her husband, she wants him to continue to believe that he is the BF. They have 3 children together and she has a son from a previous marriage. I want to be involved in my son's life as his father. My question is to the sons and daughters that found out that the man that raised you wasn't your BF?. I want to reveal the situation to her husband, what is your opinion? Would it be best for myself to reveal the truth, or let it continue to be a lie in my infant sons life and let him discover the truth at some point later in his life? It probably seems like the answer is easy to come by, and I know what must be done, but this has been and is laying heavy on my heart and soul. I do not want to make any decisions based on my selfish wants and desires. Any and all honest thoughts, advice and feelings will be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance!

Nov 14, 2018
I missed out on my birth father's love growing up
by: Linda

My mother never told my birth father he had a child and as a result I missed out on his love growing up. When I was old enough to get an ancestry dna test she tried to dissuade me. She made up lies about my father in an effort to get me not to take the test. Well, I took the test and found my Dad right away. OH MY GOD, the love that my birth dad had for me! He said he loved me more than anything in the world, even before meeting me, and when we did meet, I could tell that it was true. He said my mother dissappeared from his life and never told him about me. I now have a huge family that loves me and all of this was denied me because my mother was selfish! I personally think my mother was looking for a wealthy man and so she left my birth dad, who by the way, turns out to be educated and quite well off today. But what she robbed from me was the love of my Dad, my cousins (i have so many!), and my aunts and uncles. All of my cousins speak so lovingly of their grandparents, but I am the onovinglywho never met them. This is what my mother has done to me! I had a great step dad, but that doesn't replace the love of my birth dad. Even though I am an adult, I feel like my birth father's little girl. The way he and his family (my family now!)it makes me realize hiw much love I missed growing up. I really do not trust my mother anymore. I feel that she planted these feelings of resentment in me. Mothers need to realize that a child's father and his family belong to the child and not her. It is not for her to hide, throw away, or lie about. It belongs to the child.

Oct 04, 2018
To: I Did It!
by: MarciaGo2

Congratulations! You did a great job and a great thing by being honest. Yes, it’s true, children will respond with the same level of emotion with which bad news is delivered. You were calm so she figured it was no big deal. Bless you!



Oct 04, 2018
I did it!!!!
by: Anonymous

I told my 7 year old daughter 2 nights ago in a very matter of fact delivery. I told her we have distant family that she has not met and I want her to. I explained how she doesn’t see her step sisters father or that family. My Mother does not see the family I want to introduce her to. I explained her grandmother was married to another man that is my Biological father, but Pop pop raised me and is who I call Dad. God love kids.......she said "That explains everything, you look and act nothing like him". I said do you have any questions for me. She said no, but will let you know if I do.

I feel like I won the Nobel piece prize. So relieved!!

Sep 30, 2018
Telling your children the truth
by: MarciaGo2

There are many, many things that are going to hurt your children in this life, but none so badly as YOUR betrayal. I was hurt just thinking that my grandparents probably knew that I wasn’t their son’s child. It felt like everyone of my adult relatives knew - like there was this conspiracy.

This betrayal lies squarely on your mother’s shoulders. Why not let her be the one to tell them? This is the legacy she has forced all of you to carry. She deserves to be the one to carry their hurt and disappointment. There is no HONEST way around this. A person’s life should not be a living lie. Afford them the opportunity to see that even people who are supposed to love them enough to treat them with respect and have their best interest at heart, may sometimes hurt, betray and disappoint them.

You can explain your regret that this has caused them pain, but that this is truly a very real lesson in life. Human nature is such that people sometimes put their own needs ahead of those they profess to love causing a devastating loss of trust in the innocent victim. Explain to them that you love them enough to always tell them the truth because you would never intentionally deceive them.

Growing up, my step-father always preached to me and my siblings that there is nothing worse than a liar. Looking back now, I wonder what my mother was thinking when he said that. The older I get, the more disenchanted I become with people. I’m afraid this has left me with a very cynical view of humanity. I now have this fear that nothing and no one can be trusted!

I always believed there was one truth in any situation, but it now appears that truth lies in each person’s interpretation. Truth is twisted into whatever a person wants it to be, and usually in a way that most benefits them, serves their purpose, or helps support their personal delusion. You and your children are but collateral damage in your mother’s twisted personal delusion.

This type of eye opening, naivety shattering truth should never have to be inflicted on children, but this is your mother’s legacy. Now it is your responsibility to do the right thing. I wouldn’t wait because then you are making the same mistake she did. You owe them the truth. Don’t betray them.



Sep 30, 2018
by: Anonymous

I am a 23yr old from South Africa and I found out that the man I called father was not my father ... I was 15 when my cousin had told me she overheard her parents talking about my bio father. At first I denied it but I asked my mother and she told me that it's true. My father was a portuguese man she met after high school. I was devastated and all those emotions you feel and the issues you have, I have them too. The betrayal and the loss of identity is the worst and it makes you shut people out. I shut her out the most , let her back in, only to find out a few days ago she lied to me again.She told me he didn't want to be part of my life and never made an effort to find me. Only to finflfind out that his family had asked her to speak to me and she said no. She has stood in the way of me having a relationship with them all my life and now I'm back at square one feeling the same things I felt when I was 15.

Sep 30, 2018
Telling your kids about grandpa
by: Anonymous

I am so glad the topic of talking to your kids has come up. On top of the obvious betrayal.....One of the things I was most aggravated with my Mom was how could you keep me from a grandmother. I would be doing the same thing to my child even though I never see the BF. The tragedy is my kids have a great relationship with their grandparents (my mom and dad that raised me). I fear that telling them even just the plain facts, could ruin (almost certainly will) their relationship with my Mom and Dad. And I would be telling them about a man they may never meet.........I know what has to be done, but at what age......It is like reliving it again except now your going to cut your kids heart out...........

I constantly think about this.........

Sep 27, 2018
To help answer your questions
by: MarciaGo2

Dear Sir,
1) In my mind, I think no decision need be made until you talk with your BF to find out the answers to your questions. I feel that, based on his answers, you will be able to determine whether you want to proceed with a relationship.
2) You have neglected to mention the ages of your children, so I could better give suggestions if I knew their ages. But if they are too young to be told about the birds and the bees, as you put it, you could simply state that before your mother married their grandpa, she fell in love with your father and had you. If they are old enough to inquire whether she was married to your BF, tell them the truth. Then as to why you didn’t know or have a relationship with your BF before now, simply say that your parents decided it was best not to tell you. You don’t have to say this in a way that makes it sound as if an I justice was done to you. If you make it sound matter of fact and are able to somehow not reflect your pain and disdain for your mother, that would be best. This is the truth. Handled this way should not raise a red flag because ideally you wouldn’t be demonstrating the seriousness of the situation.

I hope this helps. You will probably be surprised to find that, if handled correctly, you children will not show much interest except maybe to be curious about meeting their other grandpa. And that’s how I would word it rather than say their biological grandpa. They will understand all that and perhaps ask more probing questions as they mature. But please, do tell them the truth so you can avoid betraying and deceiving them the way your mother did you.



Sep 27, 2018
Thank you for weighing in, another ?
by: Help me with this situation guy

Thank you so much for those that weighed in with some ideas and support. It is really appreciated.

Here are my real two sticking points I struggle with:

a) Somehow in my interesting situation, I have to resolve that this bf knew for years since the time I was 7 or so that I was "potentially" his . . . how do I reconcile the fact that he let it ride, once I was a kid, and then young adult . .and now adult person?
b) if I meet again with the bf and there is something worth pursuing because he is interersting and a value add to my own family, how on earth do I explian to my kids the whole birds and bees situation and oh by the way, your Grandpa really isn't your grandpa? Oops Sorry . . . . doesn't that then trap me in the "lie"?
c) If I never tell my kids that the guy that is there "grandpa" isn't biologically, have I continued to add to the deception and how would I know (if ever) they should ever know about all of this?

This is why it makes it so difficult because my action or inaction seems to have real consequences in how I am "honest" with my own children at some point? This is a real conundrum for me as a Dad trying to parent up front for the forefront, much different than my mother's choices of action.

Additional help and thoughtful comments truly are appreciated. I have not met with this bf since last fall and only the once to talk and to take the test. If I open that door will it make things all the more complicated for EVERYONE?

Sep 25, 2018
by: Ladybug

MarciaGo2, I just want to let you know that your last few comments touched my heart. Your compassion, understanding, and self-reflection really shine through. Identity goes deeper than DNA but this type of identity crisis can still be quite tricky to process and you seem to have made a lot of progress on your healing journey.

Sep 25, 2018
To Help Me With This Situation
by: MarciaGo2

Dear Sir,

I have left many posts on this site and so have many others. After reading a few of them, no doubt you understand that this is a very difficult thing to go through. If you’ve never been through any great trials, you probably don’t realize that major betrayals take a while to heal. The closest thing I can liken this to is a divorce. You might find it helpful to read this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201004/how-long-does-typical-divorce-recovery-take
I have not spoken to my mother in almost three years. It’s not because I am unforgiving, unkind, unappreciative, etc. This was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
When someone deceives you and betrays your trust about something as important as your parentage, it is too great a wound to just sweep under the rug and act as though nothing ever happened. My mother did this to me and my youngest brother (we had two different fathers - she cheated on two husbands).
My brother has struggled not knowing whether his BF knew about him. We knew him. The man was my mother’s boss for 15 years. I loved his father. He was like a grandfather to me as he was 30 yrs older than our mother. I know what a kind man he was and know that he would not have wanted to destroy our seemingly normal childhood by claiming my brother, and he was also married.
You said your dad who raised you isn’t interested in your life. This sounds as if his lack of interest has hurt you. Why not open your heart up to someone who may give you what you need, which is the validation from a father that you are loved. It may take a while to get to know him, but the same could be said for making new friends. Who couldn’t use a new friend? There’s always a risk, but you sound like a pretty nice guy to me. Maybe you inherited your sweet heart from him.
Most importantly, let yourself grieve until it gets better. It will get better over time. I am doing better now, but it’s been almost three years. Tell your wife to hang in there. I know it’s tough for spouses because when a person is in turmoil, they’re not the most pleasant people to be around. You have been deeply wounded. I understand you. It is a righteous wound, so don’t minimize it. Feel your pain and get some professional help if you can’t find your way forward by yourself.


My BF and my brother’s BF were both dead by the time we found out. My mother had five kids by four different men! She passed us off as her husbands’. So I know how you feel. But let me just say this, we would give anything to have the opportunity you have to have a relationship with your BF. Don’t assume he didn’t want a relationship with you just because he was polite enough to wait for a time that was right for you. Please, give him a chance.

Sep 25, 2018
In response to the help me message
by: Anonymous

My original post is a few posts down and I am in pretty much the same situation except the bf never knew. I will never know if the dad who raised me knew, as he passed away two years ago. My mother said he did not know. But as you can very well imagine, I don’t trust her on this subject. She says she didn’t even know, but I don’t believe her. I have been in phone/text contact with the bf. But I told him that I don’t want to have another family. I thought blood was important, but I’ve since thought very differently about that. My children and very few other people know that I just found out. I will probably keep it that way. Nobody will ever understand what we are going through. I don’t know how to help you. I can only let you know that you are not alone. This information is ours to do what we want with. We can let it change our current lives or not. At this time, I’ve chosen not. I feel a little bad for my bf but I’m just not ready to have a new family, and don’t know if I ever will be. And I think that’s okay. I have told my adult children in case they should ever want to meet my bf and his children. We can each do what we want with this information. It is ours. I hope this helps. You are not alone.

Sep 25, 2018
Help me with this situation
by: Anonymous

So here's my situation. Not getting along with my Dad for a couple of years . . .nagging questions why his disinterest, I'm middle aged man with beautiful smart wife, two beautiful kids, he just does not appear interested in our lives. At same time on a lark I do an Ancestry just to see our history. Some random first cousins match names people I've never heard of. Ask Dad to do a test to try and figure out if something else is out there? , it comes back 0% probability that he is my BF. Ask my mom (they are divorced since I was small, Only saw my real Dad a bit during elementary and a bit during high school) she claims that she was 99% certain my "Dad", he's not. Takes me a few weeks, find the bf, he meets me, we take another test, 99.99999% probability paternity. Mom claims "I can't remember things it was like a fog," the BF I just met, we'll call him "Jim" says actually I met your Mom when you were seven and she gave me a picture of you . .. .and I always figured you might follow up with me. So here is my dilemma, my mom (who I have not spoken with for a year since this happened, as I have no interest in hearing more of her contrived stories) lied to me for years, then strung on my "real Dad" for 40 + years and then the bf, basically knew and now has said he like to get to know me, but I'm not sure I want to leverage my families emotional capital as well as my own opening this Pandora's box, plus he could have found my family for YEARS and just answered the question by timing, not DNA . . . and I have not contacted him since I told him the results of the paternity test. So crushingly day after day I struggle with being a Dad to my own children, and also knowing that my Mom was dishonest about the identity of my real dad, lied to another guy, (my "Dad" who was in and out of my life for other reasons) turning him into the patsy to take responsibility for me and then the real bf actually had a picture thus knowledge of the situation and chose not to follow up, until I had the courage to do so? How on earth do I reconcile my feelings for MOM? BF? and now I have more pity for my "real dad" because he was strung along for so long? This has been incredibly stressful on my family and a personal burden that is personally and professionally crippling and I can't ask my wife or kids to bear any more. It's just crazy? Comments and suggestions appreciated. and Just to let you know . . . "I've been trying to carry this burden for around a year now" and it's difficult. No one seems to "understand" and "sucking it up" isn't a solution here clearly.

Sep 19, 2018
Response to CS
by: MarciaGo2

Dear CS,
I’m not sure how to respond to your question, but I’ll give it a shot. Some people like those who grew up with outstanding parents might not have as much difficulty coming to grips with this kind of deception, betrayal, loss, grief, shock, identity crisis, etc. You’d have to be very emotionally stable to withstand this type of shock overnight. It is a complete dissolving of your current reality. What’s worse is that people who haven’t experienced it, don’t understand all the implications and so have difficulty understanding what all the fuss is about.
Every time I respond to one of these blogs, I’m disturbed all over again. For many years now I have worn a pendant with a cross on one side and the Serenity Prayer on the back side. Why? Because I have difficulty accepting things, especially things that I can’t change. This is a lesson that life has repeatedly brought home to me.
Not knowing what your life has been or how you were treated as a child, it is hard to say how long it will take you to get past this. I say get past this because I don’t believe you will ever get over it entirely.
I had a psychological melt down. It was very tough and very scary. It’s been almost 3 years since I found out. I have read many, many books since then, and what I’ve found out is that it is important for you to feel your feelings and not try to push them down or somehow circumvent them. This is something you must go through and eventually get past, but don’t be angry with yourself because it hasn’t happened in the time frame you expect that it should. You will be done grieving when you’re done, and who knows how long that will take?
A good book that might help you with understanding your feelings is: The Tao of Fully Feeling, by Pete Walker.
I am on more solid ground now, but I’m also taking anti depressants and anti anxiety medication. Even so, I can’t tell you that it’s over for me because I’ll be going along fine and then suddenly hit a down spot. Just hang in there and expect that it will get better eventually. Try to remember to be grateful for all the blessings in your life and be gentle with yourself. I hope this helps.


Sep 19, 2018
It's been almost a year since I found o ut
by: CS

Hi all, I posted back in November here that I found out from a DNA test that my father was not the man who raised me. I went through all the emotions all of you went through: shock, grief, anger. I keep looking for "acceptance," but it sure hasn't come.

It's been 10 months and I still am in a state of shock. I still can't come to terms with it and I am angry at myself that I can't just accept what I cannot change. I was wondering if anyone can bring some more clarity to this subject? Does it get easier to deal with as years go by? Or will it always be this haunting, nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach? Thanks for any updates from you guys!

Sep 10, 2018
Heart Broken Mom
by: FYDWisdom@gmail.com

I agree that you should absolutely wait until your son is on solid ground. The fact of the matter is, when you find out, it is like experiencing the death of the person that misled you your whole life. I know you just found out, so it's some what different. You sons SHOCK will be no different than mine, and I found out 19 years ago before all of the DNA testing...... by a random letter in the mail. It was from a complete stranger, that just happened to be the biological Dad no one had told me about. My point is, do NOT let him get blindsided by a stranger.

The bright side for me was, I became closer with the spectacular man that raised me and appreciated the differences that used to make me f***ing crazy because I didn't understand how we could be so different. I was relived in one sense that I wasn't completely insane......he just wasn't genetically like me.......so I reset my expectations.

If you need to talk please email me at fydwisdom@gmail.com. Your situation has 2 unique challenges and talking them out with someone who has been in your sons shoes will definitely help.


Sep 09, 2018
Tough Situation
by: MarciaGo2

I just read your post so I’m trying to organize my thoughts. Please bear with me if I’m not too organized. Firstly, you neglected to mention your son’s age. For me, this would weigh heavily on my decision as would his recent issues with his friends. Not knowing your son, it’s hard to advise you. I don’t know how hard this news will hit him. Many people, especially men, don’t seem to get the gravity of this kind of news.

As I’ve mentioned now in several posts, most of which I’ve signed anonymously, it does some serious damage to a person’s sense of identity. Since he and his dad are very close, chances are great that this will hurt him very much.

That said, I’m going to throw out a few points. He should be old enough to understand that things like one night stands happen. You didn’t make it clear whether you cheated on your husband or not. If so, prepare yourself because he will not take this lightly. It will destroy whatever respect he has for you unless there was a very good reason for your infidelity.

I would definitely wait at least a year if he is struggling emotionally with the loss of his friends. It is a known psychological fact that emotional traumas have an accumulating effect. Too much at once in a short time frame can overwhelm a person. Please don’t do that to him. Wait until you think he is on solid ground, especially if he’s a teenager.

Some people might advise you to tell him immediately, but I think it’s kinder to at least factor in his current emotional state. After all it’s waited this long, what’s one more year. Document the date that you found out, because he will demand to know when you found out. That way you can explain to him that you were worried that he couldn’t handle it at the time.

Of course, above all be honest. Express how sorry you are and stress that you would never knowingly hurt him. Explain that you had to find out because you felt he had the right to know the truth. Tell him how much you love him and what a blessing it has been having him in your life.

Does your husband know yet?

I hope this helps you. You are in a serious pickle for sure. I will keep you in my prayers.


Sep 09, 2018
Finally confirmed sons paternity
by: Heartbroken Mom

Without going into the details of how I found out who is the bio father , I’d like to ask for help from the ones who have discovered their true paternity.

My son looks like the men in my family and because I couldn’t track down the man who I had a one night stand with, I allowed myself to believe that the odds do my child being his were minimal.

Due to a dna sample I found out my son is the product of this one time affair. I have withheld this info from him for two years as he has lost two best friends (one to suicide, one to essentially an overdose and accidental drowning because of it)
I have found the man through Ancestry and plan on telling my son that his dad is not his bio dad but this is going to crush him emotionally. He is his fathers best friend and I cannot even fathom the pain and emotional turmoil he will go through
After reading the majority of your posts. I’m not sure how to approach this.
What should I do?

Aug 08, 2018
To: So much to psychologiclly digest -May 2018
by: Anonymous

New here and don't really now what I'm doing. :) My story is very similiar to yours. Your post was very helpful, comforting and informative. Thanks so much for sharing. I found my bf very accidentally when I did a DNA project for my work. It was quite a shock. My mom then tried to lie about it - yes - even with DNA! So I had 4 step days by the time I was 12. I found my "real dad" 20 years ago and met him and all his family AND watched him die of lung cancer and buried him. Well, we was my STEP DAD and SHE KNEW the whole time. Mind you I didn't really REMEMBER him or know him as a child but my fabulous husband found him for me at age 30. Yep, NOT MY DAD. So my mothers family really gathered the wagons around my mom and pretty much told me I had nothing to be upset about. It was very much "poor her". More but running out of space. Would love to connect with you... how??

Jul 23, 2018
New family?
by: Anonymous

This post is in response to the most recent post. When I found out about my birth father, I had a different reaction in regard to my step father and my mother. That said, my main focus was on finding out who my father was. Initially, I had the same ambivalence toward the idea of embracing new siblings, if there were any, as I am very tight with the siblings I grew up with. As time passed, my feelings have changed regarding this. Give yourself time to meet everyone. You may find out that you don’t really click with them, but then again, what if it turns out that they are very much like you and you are able to establish a loving, lasting relationship with them over time. Who in their right mind couldn’t use close friends? It takes a shared childhood to establish a relationship as close and intimate as a sibling, but don’t close your heart off to the possibility that you could foster new friendships.
My father had already passed away by the time I found out. As far as I know, I am his only child...but I’m holding out hope that someday Ancestry will turn up a half sibling for me. I consider you blessed to have a BF who is still alive and a family that is open to having a relationship. I think you are only torn because of your loyalty to you deceased father.
How can you trust that your mother and step father didn’t know? Your mother had to have questioned your parentage since she slept with two guys, and most women can figure out which one she slept with around the time she was ovulating - right? My two cents. Best wishes & hugs.❤️

Jul 23, 2018
So, I just found out...
by: Anonymous

I am in my late 40s. I did ancestry for the simple fun of finding out my heritage percentages. WELL, in so doing I discovered my biological father (BF). This was just yesterday. I never had an inkling of a clue that my father was not my BF. My father passed away two years ago. He was an amazing man and I have always been so proud to be his daughter. To find out I'm not is devastating. I have been corresponding with my bf. He never knew. My father never knew. And my mother said she never knew. I have no choice but to believe her. My bf seems to be a nice man. He has three children, who would be my half siblings. So, me and my mother and my sister are the only ones in our family who now know. I don't plan to tell the rest of the family, as it doesn't affect them I think it would only hurt them. Is it wrong of me to not want to start a relationship with my new biological family? I have two adult children. I plan to tell them when I see them soon. I will let them know that if they want to meet the biological family, I will make that happen. I just have no interest. I have a family who I love and I really just want things to stay the way they've always been. I am open to communicating with the biological family, I just don't want to be doing Christmas. Know what I mean? This is all so new to me. I don't know what to think. I'm just devastated.

Jul 21, 2018
I always felt different, and I was right
by: Usernameaqua@gmail.com

I can relate to a few of these stories. So here goes mine in 1,000 characters or less. This is going to get complicated -bear with me.
I have always ‘felt’ like I did not fit in. My ‘sister’ is petite and I am not. I have different teeth. I have a different skin tone. However, I have known other families with children that are not all the same.
My first memory would be my mother’s friend that told me my step dad was not my father and I should ask her about it. I was around 10, 5th grade. We all used her current husbands last name in school (let us say, her current husband was Smith) a common practice in the 70’s of remarried Mothers with children of previous marriages. We had
I did ask my Mom and she told me in fact she had been 2x married before and me, 1 brother and 1 sister had a last name of Henry, while another brother was from a previous marriage and another sister was from the current marriage. I told her I would not go by someone else’s name any longer because that is not who I was. We then made the deal that when I started jr high school, in a new school district, I could then use my ‘real’ name.
Which I did. It does not end there. I also asked my Mother why I didn’t ever get to see my real Dad, she told me he lived in another state with his new family and did not care about us. Also, not true. I found out when I was 16 that Mr. Henry had been missing, presumed dead since I was 2. He robbed a bank and was never seen again. So for another 32 years I believed that to be true. It is not.
Mr. Henry did rob a bank and was missing, I tracked down a detective who was a rookie 30 years before and was going to have a body they found exhumed. I have spend thousands of hours tracking, responding, monitoring, questioning anyone I could about Mr. Henry. I was proud to have such a strong family name. I went to the other state to visit his ‘other’ family. But, it always nagged at me something did not feel right. I just do not fit in, I am so different. When I asked my mother on numerous occasions she would say, "you like like your Grandma Henry when she was young", ‘why would you think that?".
Last year a picture was taken of me with my ‘sister’ and it just hit me. So I talk my sister into a Secret dna test. I didn’t want to look like a fool if I was wrong. I was not wrong.
At first I thought my Mother did not know, I thought maybe I was switched at birth. Within 48 hours my Aunt confirmed my Mother knew and my real Father (O’brian) suspected I was his. He even tried to adopt me, I was told he hung around for a number a couple years when we were kids, but my mother remarried soon after divorce number 2 and had yet another child with Smith.
I remember she ghosted the friend that told me to ask her when I was 10. My real Dad O’brian died when I was around 22, I never got to know him. I grew up without a Dad because she cheated on Henry with O’brian and thought playing me off as Henry’s child was best-it was really just best for her. O’brian never had any children of his own.
I was my maternal Grandmas favorite, I felt, and know I wonder if she knew and that’s why she treated me like that, out of pity. I always felt like my mother went out of her way for me over the other kids too, I am guessing also out of guilt and pity. I feel like a fool. I feel like I cannot face anyone from my childhood, friends, family. I feel like she has made me look like such a damn fool. I no longer do social media, I cannot ever talk about family with friends or in general at work when people ask an otherwise benign question. I am so angry, I have not spoken to her since. I moved to another state.

Jul 17, 2018
So sad!
by: MarciaGo2

I am so sorry for your loss and all you have been through. I have a similar story only my real father has been gone since 1973. I know you have experienced a lot of rejection in your life so you are probably girding yourself against any more disappointment and rejection. I can only tell you what I would do. I would reach out and risk it anyway, but before you do, get it straight in your mind that you are not to blame. You are innocent and worthy of love and acceptance. You deserve to hear about your father and hopefully what kind of man he really was. Remember liars lie about everything even things they don’t need to lie about. Also, there are two sides to every story. Who knows what his side was? You may never know. He may never have known that you existed. I don’t think my father knew about me.

That said, I would get my DNA tested through Ancestry so that if there is any question about whether he was in fact your father, you will have proof. Read up on how to go about building a family tree on Ancestry. You can also find YouTube videos to help with this. My mother was messing around so much that she didn’t know which guy my father was and told me the wrong name.

I have kept my Ancestry account open just so I might someday connect with a half sibling. You may possibly have some, so don’t let the opportunity pass you by. If you aren’t received well, then you wouldn’t want them in your life anyway.

All my best to you...warm thoughts and big hug.❤️

Jul 17, 2018
Dealt with this my whole life on and off
by: Erica

I was adopted by my "dad" at 3, he came into my moms life when I was 10 days old. Had a very depressing child hood. Also they had their own child when I was 3 as well When I was in 5th/6th grade my best friend, cousin, got upset with me and I remember to this day her telling me that Steve is not my real dad. I was confused. I remember asking them after school and they told me that wasn’t true. He was a hateful person to everyone, anyone who gets in his way he will do what he can to get his way, every time. That caused me to doubt my friend and he hated that family, her dad was my mom half brother, and he hated any and all family relation to my mother. When I was 14 they, he decided it was time to tell me the truth. That lit a fire in me. They divorced when I was 10 and he was remarried by this point. I met my aunt when I was 16 and learned a little. Her family was upset with her for locating me and I never heard from her after that until a couple years ago I reached out. But I knew he was remarried and his wife hated the thought of me. I have a half sister that I met a few years ago but she didn’t know me or my existence, I kept quiet. The guy who adopted me hated my biological dad so much my whole life he would say how much of a piece of shit he was and he was worthless and only good for making me. That’s all he ever did. Not true. He served for our country. That’s enough for me. So a few years ago I was getting ready to do it, Togo knock on his door but I waited a little longer then I had my life issues just keeping from it and 2 years ago I finally called my mom and told her I’m gonna go do it, I knew where he was the whole time and I’m finally gonna just go. The next day I got a message he had dropped dead at work. I wasn’t welcome at the memorial, I was a hidden secret. So my wonder is do I introduce myself to my half sister and brother knowing I most likely be rejected.

Jun 21, 2018
Dear: So Much to psychology digest by: Anonymous
by: Anonymous

Hi, I’m new to this and I can so relate to most of you! I also promise to write my story, but one really resonated with me and I’m not sure if this is how you reply, but I’m a 1st timer so pls forgive me! Anyhoo I’d love to email with you about your story Anonymous!

This was you:
May 14, 2018
So much to psychologically digest
by: Anonymous

Here’s my email: [removed]
I hope I hear from you! & I hope your hanging in there, along with each and everyone of you! I’m trying too as well!
✌🏻❤️😊 2 U All...

Jun 14, 2018
To:A whole lot of confusion
by: Michael

Let me first say, I feel your hurt. I am the real DAD of a girl i found after 31 years,her mom left me and married another guy while she was pregnant with my child and i just assumed the child was his...Wrong. I found a pic on FB o er mom's page and questioned the similarity of her looks to my other daughter...sure enough her mom told her i was her real Dad. I was overwhelmed and she met the whole family and spent a lot of time with us. After 2 years we have come to love her and she is part of our family, however she has kept this from her other family and refuses to acknowledge our relationship with her. I have told her about this and she responded in anger and has not spoken to us in 2-years.We have reached out but to no avail. My advise to you is do not hide your feelings and live the life you want, your parents, if they love you, will want you happy no matter what happens. Truth shall set you FREE.

Jun 10, 2018
Similar Situation
by: Anonymous

I sought out your article on the internet after having a similar experience. I found out a few weeks ago through 23andMe that the man I thought was my Dad was not my biological father. That honor belonged to my Godfather. I found out when my Godfather's son and a good friend of the family, showed up as a half-brother. I will not discuss this with my mother because she has Alzheimer's, never intended for me to find out, and I would not want to upset her. My Dad died in 1986 but my biological father died in 2015. By the way, I have two adult sons who never had the chance to meet their biological grandfather.

I am not sure what I feel but being that I have three older sisters and am seven years apart, I know my birth was accidental. I am sorry you found out the way you did.

May 24, 2018
If Confirmation # doesn't work, send email
by: Catherine


Thanks so much for allowing me to publish your post in groupbox.

If the confirmation # isn't working, it didn't for me either, send an email to the email provided in the instructions, and then wait 10 minutes. You should be able to log in after that.

Any other problems let me know through this web site. Not groupbox. Or if you do it through groupbox, put your email address as part of your message so I can reply. Otherwise, I have no way of replying to you.

Thanks again!


May 24, 2018
Group Box forum
by: Anonymous

Hi Catherine,
If you want to repost my post just a couple below, signed Hugs ❤️, you have my permission. I have tried joining that website, but have had difficulty. I received several emails with a confirmation number (I think), but kept getting an error message. You should find my name there. I think I used MarciaGo (or something similar).

May 23, 2018
A Whole Lot Of Confusion
by: Anonymous

Hello everyone. So to begin my story, my mother divorced my "father" when I was 2 but i visited him every other weekend and he stayed in my life. When I was in 2nd grade, she began dating this man who proposed to her-but it was eventually called off. The only thing I remember from that relationship was I was happy they decided not to marry. Time goes on and my mom gets married to a man who later brings 3 more siblings into my life. When I turned 18 I got a message from the boyfriend from when I was in 2nd grade telling me I am old enough to hear the truth and tells me if my mom doesn't tell me that he will. I went to her house the following day to be told that he was most likely my biological father. My world hasn't been the same since. When I was 22 I worked up the courage to ask for a paternity test because it was pure torture not knowing the truth. It revealed my worst fears were true and he was in fact my real dad. I refused to accept it, blocked him on social media and refused to meet him again...but now I am feeling deep guilt and such weight on my heart trying to carry this secret from my dads side of the family that raised me. I am now facing the question of "Do I tell them?" "How do I go about telling them?" "Will I even feel better if they know or worse that I hurt them?" "or "Do they already know and everyone has just kept it a secret too?". Someone please give me some insight....I am 26 now and trying to begin a healthy relationship/family of my own but I dont know if I can do that until I'm not carrying a life of secrets around all the time.

May 14, 2018
Can I put this in the group box forum?
by: Catherine

This is such a fabulous post and I think it would help a lot of people who are just starting to deal with this issue. I think it would be so valuable for them to read this. Would you mind if I added this to the Who Am I? groupbox forum?

I always worry that great posts like this get lost. So, I'd like to have a place to post things like this.

Is it okay to post it over there?


May 14, 2018
So much to psychologically digest
by: Anonymous

What your family has failed to realize is that when you find out that you aren’t who you thought you were, it causes a breakdown in you whole psyche. Some of the feelings that were suddenly racing through my mind were: 1) my grandparents, whom I loved, weren’t really mine; 2) who was my father; who were my real grandparents; 3) did my father know about me 4) did my step-father know; 5) did my step-father’s parents know, and on and on it goes. People will tell you that this doesn’t change anything, but it changes EVERYTHING - forevermore. When people tell you that blood doesn’t matter, they’re only fooling themselves. It matters in how we form our identity. From the time we are able to think, we observe our relatives and think to ourselves things like, I’m like my Grandpa because.... or I have my Grandma’s nose... or I have blond hair like my Dad. This is part of how we form our concept of ourselves. So this blows up our whole foundation. Then there’s the grief over the loss of those assumed connections. There’s the shame. There’s the betrayal. There’s the revisiting of your entire childhood - examining memories for ways in which you were possibly treated differently from your siblings, and on and on it goes. It is not only a terrible shock, but terribly overwhelming.
I have made several posts to this site, so I don’t want to repeat things I’ve previously written. But let me just say that I was able to find out a lot of information through Ancestry. My mother is a narcissist and would not tell me anything but lies. So needless to say, I lost my mother too because this betrayal on top of a lifetime of abuse and neglect was the nail on her coffin as far as I am concerned. My siblings are thankfully on my side. No one speaks to her anymore. Life is like an elevator... Sometimes you have to stop and let some people off. What I have learned is that I have to protect me - first and foremost. To do otherwise is to throw yourself under the bus, and this will only cause you to have something called Cognitive Dissonance. Look it up. I would leave you my personal email, but it contains my name. If you want to talk to me, leave me your email and I will get in touch with you.

Hugs ❤️

May 13, 2018
Small world
by: Anonymous

I have been faced with this same situation over the last 12 months. I will be 43 this year. My identity has been rocked to my core. The more I try to work through it and process feelings through therapy, etc., the more my "supportive" family members shut down. I have been asked to not talk about "it" with anyone because it is too upsetting. Everyone has circled their wagons around my mom, protecting her from embarrassment, but not willing/able to discuss about how I am feeling and what I am experiencing. I feel more distant from them now more than ever. I don't know whether to be furious, depressed, sad, etc., so I am just feeling them all at the same time. Yes...I am in therapy. Yes...I am taking medication to assist with stabilizing the moods and decrease the anxiety. No...none of my family members feels this should still be a "problem" for me. Just venting to people who seem to understand the situation. Tired. Angry. BETRAYED. Displaced. Left behind.

May 12, 2018
Your feelings are justified and appropriate
by: Anonymous

A similar thing happened to me about 2-1/2 yrs ago. While I’m fighting hard to accept and get past it, I still have issues, only one of which is the awful betrayal by my mother. In many ways I feel this kind of betrayal is possibly the worst kind with the exception of molesting one’s own child.

I’ve had a lot of unfortunate things happen in my lifetime, but this one was by far the worst psychological battle I’ve ever had to fight. I am forever changed, and not for the better I might add.

So, just give yourself all the time and self love that you can. Your healing won’t happen overnight. And what’s worse, people won’t understand and will think you’re making a big deal out of nothing. Don’t listen to them. It is a VERY BIG DEAL PSYCHOLOGICALLY.

Big hug. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

May 12, 2018
Strange Childhood
by: Anonymous

I was raised by my grandparents. My mother divorced my father when I was two years old. He had nothing to do with me and I was told that he was crazy and no one knew where he was. My mother remarried and had 2 more children. My stepfather was abusive to me and I was treated like an outsider. My halfsiblngs were favored by my mother and stepfather. I grew up feeling that something wasn't right. I am now in my 60's and found out that the father listed on my birth certificate is not my bio father. I found this out from my ancestry DNA test results. It appears that my mother had an affair with a married man and I was a product of that affair. Of course both parents are deceased.
I was lied to my entire life by my mother and her family. It is hard to let go of the fact that I was deceived all those years.

May 02, 2018
Still finding out who I am
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

What you have dealt with and felt emotionally is a very common response to the shock of the situation. If you scientifically want to trace your heritage, take a DNA test. It has been a lot of fun for both my wife and I because she was absolutely sure of her heritage and I had no clue of mine. It turns out she had no idea either. What she had been raised to believe was entirely wrong. Even those that know both birth parents probably have no clue of what their actual genetic makeup is. It is very interesting and can even help you take preventive steps if you are predisposed for certain illness. If you need to talk, please reach out. There is a lot of people that can be a great resource to your specific questions and uncertainty.


Apr 30, 2018
Still finding out who I am
by: Anonymous

Spent my life feeling different than my siblings they were taller blond hair blue eyes. I was shorter stocky build with brown hair and blue eyes. At the time I thought hey I just like my mum.

As I got older, we moved and I started noticing things even more but consciously forgetting holding it in, not understanding. I used to play outside as I younger child mostly on my own. I prefered that solitude and peace (still do) strangers would pass and say hello next door neighbours mostly. But one person I saw more than most a guy who had brown hair, stocky but eyes. would always say hello and chat. Didn't think anything of it. Until one day I saw my mum chatting with him I was sat in the car. Something occurred to me it was a recognition of faces and something 6/7 year old couldn't understand.

Fast forward 6 years and I had my first sit down both parents Mum and Non Biological dad ( I didnt know up until this point) they both said that Dad wasnt my real dad. I went numb and sucked it all up down into my belly. Everything became a twisted knot of a huge wave of emotional pain, that Id been lied to all this time.

I was then told again when I was 15/16 and I fell to pieces and was hit with depression and illness and ive struggled with life ever since, failed relationships. I have a son of my own but from a relationship that shouldnt of happened.

IM glad to say im happily married to my wife of 10 years and is my rock. But the past still haunts me with a shadow of not knowing who I am.

Thanks for reading.

Apr 27, 2018
DNA results
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

So I got my DNA results back from one of the 2 that I sent it away for results. It cleared some things up and let me know that my bio father's side was mostly British, Irish, and Western European. I do have .02% Asian / native American which explains the almond eyes. It is very cool, because they give you genetic relatives that you may or may not want to reach out to. Since I do not know anyone from my paternal linage, I was reaching out to everyone to the point that people will think I am crazy. I also found out that I have 97% more neanderthal than all of the customers tested. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing lol.


Apr 20, 2018
Group Box
by: Catherine

I'm so glad you had a look at it. One of the main reasons I chose this platform over something like Facebook was for the ability to be anonymous and to not be tracked while using it. You choose your own display name and that is what others will see. I don't think they see anything but your display name.

That's so great that sharing your wisdom has helped heal others but also yourself. That's what I would love to be able to have more of with the groupbox. A lot of great information gets lost on this web page and it can't be organized and difficult to have those incredibly valuable one on one conversations.

I could change the group box to be that a person has to request to be a member if that would help. Right now it's open to anyone.

Apr 20, 2018
Group Box
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com


I have joined the group box.

I think there is hesitation to join the group box because you can't do it anonymously. Is there a way to join the group box without identifying yourself?

I guess you could always use a "Pseudo Name" the way some writers/ authors do. I think there is much to be gained from one on one conversation / questions and answers. I have had many people email me for specific questions. It is not only helpful to someone just finding out about their complex situation, but also very therapeutic to write down advice and guidance to another person in need. Often after you give some advice, you think, why don't you do that yourself jacka$$ :)

I have learned more about myself and my situation from interacting with the people on this site than from anything else I have tried in the 20 years since the bomb was dropped.

Godspeed to you all!

Apr 17, 2018
Not my bio dad
by: Barbara

I found out last year at age 70 that my dad who raised me isn't my biological father. My mom left hints so I know who is but why didn't she tell me, at least after dad who raised me died? So many questions and scenarios. Have started counseling again due to having melt downs. It's made me change, I'm a different person because of it.

Apr 15, 2018
Try this link
by: Catherine

Thanks for letting me know about the link not working.

Try this instead:

Who Am I?

Apr 15, 2018
Group Box
by: Fydwisdom@gmail.com


When I click on the group box it says page does not exist.


Apr 15, 2018
Me too
by: Jj-Anonymous

I have the sam issue. Found out while in college during parent’s divorce. Same reason: Mom trying to hurt dad. Now 20 years later, I know nothing and can find nothing on biological father. Took FTDna test 2 years ago which confirmed the truth. At the very least, I’d like to have info on half of my genetics for Heath reasons.

Apr 07, 2018
Possible Group Location
by: Catherine

I've set up a group at whoami.groupbox.com
I don't have anything in there yet but is anyone willing to take a look and let me know if you think it'll meet the needs of this group.

There's the ability for discussions and one-on-one chats. Members can write articles which would be great for keeping track of valuable insights as well as helpful web pages or books.

If the group thinks this will work then I can go ahead and make it look nicer. If it doesn't feel like a good fit maybe a Yahoo group or something might be another option. This feels like it'll have more functionality though.

Registration can be a bit of a pain but once you get past that, it seems like it might work well. If you don't get the validation code, send an email to the address provided. Wait 5 - 10 minutes then go back to the site and you should find you have access and be logged in.

Let me know what you think. I'm open to any and all suggestions. Don't want to go too far with it before getting some feedback on whether you like this idea or not. Feel free to try entering in information or writing articles or submitting new topics if you want to get a feel for it.

I'm lonely all by myself in this group. Come join me and help me get this group started.


Apr 07, 2018
An identity RAPE
by: Anonymous

you need an explanation first, then a trial.
This lie affects an individual at its core.
This may take years, eventually you'll have to live and accept it. However, this wound will never completly heal and you should never forget nor forget what those executioners did.

Apr 07, 2018
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

I agree that we have reached a critical mass that would support a forum. Some ideas for names: Who am I, when genetics uncover family secrets......Tracking your biological heritage for the health of your children.......I just found out the man that raised me is not my biological father. I have been dealing with this for almost 20 years and I just sent my DNA test kit away yesterday. I really have no idea what my genetic makeup is and I am looking forward to see what it has to say.

Regardless of who you thought you were or who you came from biologically, "make the most of your ingredients"! (Tao Te Ching)


Apr 06, 2018
Sounds good and timely!
by: MarciaGo2

I think that there has been an uptic in the number of people finding out their true parentage due to DNA tests becoming less expensive and easier to do. Nowadays, you only need your own saliva to get one and be matched up to relatives in a database, which can be very revealing. Because of this, a lot of us who suspected we were being lied to, have confirmed same.

I think any forum that supports people going through this shocking revelation would be very helpful. I’m not familiar with GroupBox. Is it a website that would come up if say someone Googled something related to this subject? It would only be helpful if it were easily found by the general public. Of course, you could provide a link here I suppose.

I know that the FaceBook site called DNA Detectives appears to provide lots of help and support to those wishing to find their parents via DNA testing. What appears to be missing is emotional support from the professionals. This being a relatively new phenomena, they don’t appear to understand or know quite how to support those experiencing the overwhelming flood of emotion. I tried counseling, but was overcome by the shame of having to admit the dysfunction of my family history and my mother’s deceptions. Reading self-help books seems to have helped me more because they at least provide advice as opposed to just crying and talking in a counselor’s office.

A different forum would provide a place to share what we’ve done to heal. I have made many posts to this site, but I’m not certain because of its format whether many people ever return looking for answers or support. So a format that could provide resources and support that would also encourage a sense of community would be very helpful. I have tried to provide suggestions in my posts, but don’t know whether those who have shared their stories here have ever read them as they don’t respond like you can do on FaceBook.

Thanks for your thoughtful consideration.

Apr 06, 2018
Group ForUm
by: Betrayed

As many people that are so deeply affected by this, I would say that any forum would attract members. Those of us dealing deep grief and ongoing drama would welcome any resource. There are so few.

Apr 05, 2018
Would a group help?
by: Catherine

This issue affects so many people and I keep trying to figure out a better way to help with this discussion rather than this long web page.
Would the members of this page be interested in an actual forum for this? I could set up a group on GroupBox. Then you could have different discussions but they'd be kept all in one place. Doing that would also allow one on one chats, and the ability to post articles or other helpful information you find and it'd all be in one place. Is there any interest in this? What would you want the group called? Who Am I? Let me know what you think. I really do want to help in any way I can and I'd be glad to set this up if you think it would be useful.

Mar 30, 2018
Finding out after 20 years.
by: Anonymous

So, growing up, I had this understanding that my father was the man who raised me as a kid...To make a long story kinda short, at the ripe age of 20 years old, I come to find out that my mother was with another man when she was with my "father". It just hit her, out of nowhere, that memory and realization that there was in fact another guy. My "father" and I have a shaky past...he was very abusive towards me and I never truly understood why..until now..
I have come to the understanding that my "father" was abusive simply because he KNEW I wasn't his blood. He KNEW I was a product of a loving man and a consenting woman, and not a drug addict, abusive tool..this might've made him jealous and full of anger, which looking back, makes complete sense to me now..
I got in contact with the man who my mother had mentioned just about a week ago, and SURE ENOUGH I have this man's nose! I have his ears, nose and chin! Even some of his toes! It's all so shocking to me still, to see similarities in a man I've never met before..I have literally nothing of my "father" in me. Nothing looks even remotely identical besides my eyes, but I think I see it because I was raised to believe I had his eyes..as if he wanted me to never question who he was to me..
It's all so sudden and bizarre. I'm getting a DNA test sent to me within the week, and let's just say I hope this man is my real biological father.

Please. If anyone has any thoughts, feel free to comment! I'd love some support and good feedback. I need all of the advice and guidance I can get with this.

Mar 28, 2018
by: Anonymous

the week before I was to be married, my mother told me the man I grew up with was not my father; my real father was IRish, in NYC and 10 years older than she... she told me no more... I am 68, thisis devastating STILL... tell women not to fucking LIE totheir children..evil, self rightous and mean....no I do not miss her presence

Mar 24, 2018
by: Hurt and Confused

If there was a "typical" response to the situation you have found yourself in, I think you just wrote it down. I am 43 and have been dealing with this for almost 20 years and I still have those same strong feelings of curiosity and guilt. My advice would be to find your own answers............you are not being disrespectful by exploring your genetics. If it makes anyone you care about uncomfortable, don't discuss it with them. But you certainly shouldn't question your loyalty for pondering your heritage. In my experience it makes you have more appreciation for the people and events that raised you and shaped your life. I can relate to relatives talking to you as if you knew, it is very disorienting while you try to remain calm as if you weren't just hit in the chest with a sledge hammer. You can email me anytime if you have more questions.

Mar 19, 2018
Dear Hurt & Confused
by: Anonymous

As with you, there was confusion as to the truth about who my biological father was since I was about 8 yrs old or so. I asked my mother of course, but like you said, she had a "story" all made up to refute the gossip in the family. I believed her, but not really. Like you I always wondered since I didn’t resemble my two older sisters whose father was supposed to be mine too.

I only found out two years ago at the age of 66! So this is my advice to you. You said your two sibling’s father was yours also? Or am I misunderstanding what you wrote? Anyway, get your DNA tested and also one of your siblings or the other person who you talked to recently who thought or acted as though you knew. That’s it. Right now Ancestry.com is running a special for $69 which is a great deal. Their tests usually cost $99.

When they give you your results, your relationship to the other person will show as one of your DNA matches. They categorize your matches according to how many Centamorgans you share. And they label each category, like close family, parent, 1st Cousin, etc. A full blooded sibling will share close to 4800 Centamorgans and a half sibling less than half that many. A Centamorgan is just a name used for measuring DNA.

People who lie about this stuff do so because they don’t understand the importance of knowing where and from whom you came. They think that if they raise you, that makes them your father, and it does...but not biologically. I so wish I had been more persistent in asking my mother instead of waiting practically until she’s on the cusp of dying.

In my opinion you have every right to know the truth. If you feel uncomfortable about it, just don’t tell them until you know the results of your DNA test which can take up to 6 weeks. You shouldn’t have to live your life with this big question niggling in your mind.

My four siblings are all half siblings, but not so in my heart. Finding out doesn’t mean your relationships have to change. It just means you may acquire some new family members.

That’s my opinion, for what it’s worth.


Mar 18, 2018
Hurt and Confused
by: Anonymous

Wow, it's a little comforting to read that I'm not the only person this has happened to and that my feelings are pretty much in line with many others. But the comfort goes away as I realize that I'm still in pain.
My situation is that my mom, dad and everyone else is lying about this and I know it to be untrue. I'm in a situation where I don't really know how to deal with this anymore.
My dad has been an OK dad. I love him and have no real issues with him. But realizing I'm not his natural son has answered a lot of questions and explains a lot of the dysfunction in our relationship.
I've asked my mom and my dad and they both perpetuate the lie that he's my biological father(they aren't together, never really were). My mom says that if you feel that way, you should get a DNA test done. But why should I have to throw this bombshell information into the family at this time. I'm 45 years old. It's not a huge issue, but it's still an issue like many of you have conveyed on this site. I think I know who my father is because my mom dated him prior to dating my dad and I look more like him than my dad. My Dad has always acknowledged that he stepped up and took care of his responsibility because my mom said he was the dad. He knew the guy my mom was dating at the time and thought he was my father until my mother told him that he was the father. No DNA tests were done. So he took care of me and I probably looked more like him as a child. But as I've grown and become an adult, we look nothing alike.
I only asked each of them once and it wasn't a serious inquiry...more jokingly and they've maintained their story.
Everything came to a head when someone introduced me to a sibling thinking that I knew the "story". I had NO IDEA or inclination. I said what was told to me. My mom dated your dad before I was born and my older siblings are related to you, but I'm not. Afterwards, I kept replaying the conversation in my head and the way the sibling looked at me as if they knew something I didn't. So thats when I asked my parents and they both said that the sibling was confused. I let it go at the time, but now I've been replaying many conversations growing up and it answers a lot of questions.
Long story short, my biological father has since passed and I feel like I want to get to know my siblings and other family members. I absolutely love my dad and my dads side of the family. Ive always been closer to them so it's strange to reach out to other people. It almost like I"m being disloyal or that I don't love them and I really do. But I also want to know the truth and then deal with the reality which I don't feel is the end of the world.
Am I wrong for wanting to know. Am I disrupting the family because I just want to know the truth. I've pretty much been a happy go lucky person util after I "found out". I've been pretty down and feel like i"m going through a long mid life crisis. Hurt & confused.

Mar 08, 2018
Dear K.J.
by: Anonymous

I read your posts last night and didn’t quite know what to say to help you. My heart goes out to you. You certainly have had a lot to deal with in your life. Please know that while your life has been pretty bad, that is no reason to let yourself be dragged down by the bad actors in your family.

I felt that way too...wanted to give up or get Alzheimer’s so I wouldn’t have to remember and relive all the pain in my past. PLEASE DONT GIVE UP! In order to move forward, you have to process all of the garbage and then fight like hell to move forward - unless of course, you want those bad actors to succeed in killing you too.

You be the loving mother to yourself now. Reach out for professional help and get some anti depressant and anti anxiety medication. That’s what my brother and I did, and we are feeling much better now but it took about two years.

I have suffered with depression most of my life and for good reason, but I refuse to give up. This betrayal by my mother concerning my real father was by far the worst bout of depression yet, so I am in no way minimizing what you’re going through. Others might, who have not experienced this, but those of us who have realize that it is monumental.

I will pray for you.

A big warm hug for you! 🙏🏻

Mar 07, 2018
so many of us
by: kj

ok to make long story short,left home at 11 yrs, some time @ foter home,eventually sis came and had me live with her,got married had kids,then mom moved to same town, I tie to take care of her,then when I was 30 somthing having a baptism party at my house,mom loaded as usualm caled me into living room and said a guys name ,I had never heard, then said that is your father! speechless,thought another one of her lies,called grat aunt,found out oh so true,any way he died in 1976 the same year I got married.but what really tas me up is that my older sister knew all along. I dont know I am 61 now and I have steadily gone downhill, wanting this horseshit life to be done!!!

Mar 07, 2018
Ididn't realize there were so many of us!
by: K.J.

I was raised in a extremly disfunctional household. alcoholism, mother and spouse fighting and there were stabbings to her spouse and ,midnight moves,where we just left every thing behind.so much more! Any way I knew that me and my older sisters died before I was born,never really bothered me till the age of six or so, when I noticed that my two lil brothers,older sis,mom and step dad all had blue eyes,yet mine are brown,asked mom why? her retort,your just full of shit, well everytime ,for I dont know how long, I tried to make my eyes blue every time I went to bathroom! sick! one of the things that still haunts me.my siter left home @16 I was then 8,parents friend started coming over weekends,getting drunk with parents,then startd sexually abusing me.I was a zombie. mom made me babysit for other families,then took all the cash.

Mar 07, 2018
Didn’t see it coming...
by: Anonymous

I wish you had mentioned your age. Also, can’t tell whether you have confronted or asked your mother about this yet. Since your mother has been persuing genealogy, could it be that she had an inkling that you weren’t the daughter of her husband? Maybe this was her way, whether consciously or not, of letting you know.

I hope you will get your DNA tested now and find out who your biological father is/was. This is your lost identity.

It seems as if mothers who do this feel entitled to suppress the truth. They feel as though they have given or provided us with a "father" and so, all is well. Be prepared, if you haven’t already talked to her, for the possibility that she may not see it the way you do. I don’t understand it, truly, because biology is very important to a person and is the basis for the concept we form of ourselves.

My mother once told me that the "father" is the one who does the job. That, I’m sure, was her rationalization for her betrayal of me, one of my brothers, and my step-father. The lies people tell themselves. Discusting!

So sorry to hear this has happened to you. I’m two years past finding out, and am 68 yrs old. My brother found out at age 58. We have truly struggled emotionally. I think you probably understand that you will likely have a tough go of it, so get some professional help if you feel you need it. This is one of the hardest things I’ve been through...


Mar 07, 2018
Didn't see it coming
by: Anonymous

Several years ago my mother, who was always a genealogist, started DNA testing various members of the family, her sibs, my brother, her mother, some cousins. She tested some of us on Ancestry and some of us on FTDNA. I didn't think anything about it at the time.

My husband was adopted at birth. He always wanted to know who his birth parents were, but he died in 2011. Our son wanted to find out, so he tested on the big three and I did the research for him. I had been discussing it with my mother the whole time, and she always encouraged me to search. On Ancestry all I had to do was filter out my Mother and Brother and I would come up with the right matches for his paternal side. We found them.

Last week - as I reversed course and was comparing my son's DNA matches to my brother's to find common links, I came to realize that my son and brothers matches all had my mother as a common match, too. Then I compared cM amounts. Turns out my son is only a half-nephew to my brother.

My brother's father is the man I always thought was our father - his matches are on the family tree. I talked to my brother, he was clueless. I was clueless. Our Dad who passed away in 2003 was clueless.

I can't even talk with my mother right now. I feel so betrayed.

Mar 03, 2018
by: Betrayed

You don't have to be anybodies enemy. Just know that she has always been the person you are just now finding out about. She has never not been that person.

If you can live with that, then there is no reason for you to not get along with her.

I don't talk to mine. Have no plans to either. If you are different then let it be. We all have different experiences. I don't think there is right and wrong necessarily. But for me, mine is on no contact.

Courage is your friend

Feb 26, 2018
by: Anonymous

I am 31 years old. I grew up with a single mother. She divorced a yr before I was born. I also have a older brother that she had with her ex husband. My brother did not speak to his father by the time I was born. My mother always told me her ex was a terrible man that paid to get fake DNA tests. As I grew up I would ask to meet him. She would go on a out how terrible he was and that he didn't want me. Later in life I said I was going to contact him a.d she said he was not the father and that she isn't sure who it is because she was raped also and dated 2 other guys around the same time. As you can imagine growing up thinking that you're a product of rape is a very hard thing to deal with. I would constantly beg my mom to help me figure out who my bio father was. Her story changed so many times I can't even tell my entire story on here. I reached out to people I thought were my siblings...family members of mine would constantly tell me who they thought it was. Finally a girl reached out to me saying my mom dated her dad (passed away) and he always thought I was his but my mother insisted NO and wouldn't let them near me. I told my mom and she told me absolutely not and that he also was a terrible man that she is sure was a child molester. I spoke with the girl and tried nicely to tell her there's no way possible. Time goes by and I decide I am going to get a DNA test with everyone I think it could be. She then tells me it was this girls father that was reaching out to me. She lied to myself and my entire family my while life. My family is shocked. I am so embarrassed to even tell this girl that she is my sister. My brother is older and moved away yrs ago so it's always been my mother and I against the world. I am so broken that who I thought was my best friend that I could trust is actually now my enemy. Up until 2 weeks ago we spoke everyday and now I don't think things can ever be the same. I have never felt so lost and hurt. Reading all the comments here have me in tears. If anyone can relate to my story or offer any help please feel free to contact me my_libedo@hotmail.com

Feb 19, 2018
It's been several months and I'm at peace
by: Anonymous

Thank you all for validating all the strange emotions I've felt. It's been several months since I found out, via ancestry, and I finally feel at peace. For me, I'll always be my daddy's little girl, no matter whose biological material i have. I am grateful God knew better and gave him and his family to me; they loved me well. I know, from being a mom, that blood doesnt matter as much as love and commitment. If I never meet my biological family, it's okay because I was lucky enough already. Whatever my mom did and knew is between her and my dad and it doesn't affect our love. I feel that my parents were human, not perfect, and I know they both loved me and got thru the best they could for which I am grateful.

Feb 18, 2018
Waiting - for what?
by: Anonymous

Dear Waiting,

I’m trying to decide what to say first. What are you waiting for, exactly? If you’re waiting for your bio father to respond to your letter, I think you’ll have to step up the pressure. You do, after all, hold all the cards. How did you manage to send him a letter with the assurance that his wife wouldn’t see it? Did you send it to his home?

When I say step up the pressure I mean send another letter and request a face to face meeting with him and inform him that if he won’t consent to see you, you will take further action to expose his infidelity to his wife and your step siblings.

Meanwhile, make a list of all the questions you have for him and a list of the highlights of your life, and photos of your children and grandchildren. LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU DO EXIST AND NEED TO WALK BOLDLY, HEAD UP, AND BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE. You are not who your parents raised you to believe you were. That was their garbage and had nothing to do with the precious soul that you are. It is an indictment of them, not you. Don’t feel lost. You’re not lost, you are finally found.


Feb 18, 2018
by: Anonymous

I did 23&me last July. My bio cousins showed up and it was evident that my bio father was not the man that raised me. Speculation about this was opened to me 4 years before my dad died. I have an addiction and am 17 years sober but never knew what drove me to drink. Now I know. Neither parent who raised me wanted me. They made that clear through how they treated me compared to my older bro. A 1st cousin revealed that her uncle is my dad, through lots of q& a. My mom confirmed my bio dads name etc. he’s 81 and has 5 kids. He lives 40 minutes away. He had 3 little ones under 5 when he cheated on his wife ( who is still with). I sent him a letter last September . He has not responded. I see him and his large family on FB. 1 sister is my dead ringer. I’m sad a lot. I’m confused. I’m glad I know the truth. I don’t want to hurt his wife. I’ll never be embraced. What does this make me? What do I tell my grandkids about my background? I’m lost.

Feb 16, 2018
Not Fair!
by: MarciaGo2


My mother said to me that Dr. Laura said that the person who does the job of being your father is your father. I don’t know your age so I don’t know if you’ve ever listened to Dr. Laura. She is a radio talk show psychologist who thinks she has all the answers. My response was, "I don’t give a f**k what Dr. Laura said. She knew who her father was."

Seriously Lisa, people who haven’t experienced this, can’t understand how it feels. You need to do whatever makes you feel whole again. Your whole concept of who you are has been blasted into pieces. Follow your heart and disregard what your mother says. She obviously didn’t stop to consider your feelings when she made the decision to deceive you. Any guilt in this equation should be hers.

It has taken me two years to shake the deep depression I experienced when I found out about my biological father. That anti-depressants, and anxiety medication. I found out at 66 yrs old.

Just take care of you now and let your mother’s opinions fall on deaf ears.

Hugs ❤️

Feb 15, 2018
My situation too
by: LISA H

I found out a few years ago when I was 46 or 47 that my dad was not my bio dad. My dad was a great man and passed away before I knew the truth. Now my mother tries to make me feel like I am betraying my dad because I want to find answers.

Feb 15, 2018
Deleted By Request
by: Anonymous

Deleted by Request

Feb 15, 2018
by: Outing

The other fact that has been missed about being open and honest with the 5 year old on their terms at a pace that they can comprehend the information. It allows them to build a relationship with the wonderful man that is leading and mentoring him. In my case I thought it was my dad, so when he didn't see things the way I did, or even seem to understand my point of view. It confused me and made me think he something was wrong with me or him because all the other father and sons were so similar, that they literally drove each other nuts. When I realized he was my Dad, but biologically we were different. My expectations changed, and I have a much deeper respect and reverence for the way he sees things and disseminates guidance and wisdom. It's not how I do it, but I don't expect him to be like me,, like I did for 25 years. It has given me a much deeper respect for the man and adjust the way I interact with him. I wish I had a clearer understanding of this when I was younger. Maybe I would not have been such a petulant little asshole every time the poor guy would try to impart some wisdom. I feel awful how I thought and treated him, even though most of it was silent disdain. I wish I could take that all back knowing what I know now. His firm but fair demeanor has made me the man I am today. I am forever grateful, and will never be able to fix the pain and friction of my uniformed / ignorant actions. We have a strong relationship now, and I am raising a step daughter and 3 kids using every bit of what he taught me.

Feb 07, 2018
by: Betrayed

Know this. There is absolutely zero chance for a perfect solution. There is no possible way to not have a hurtful situation. If

That being said, I believe that you would be doing the absolute best option for that 5 year old. You are forcing the misbehaving adults to deal with the mess that they created. That kind needs to know that those adults are guilty of everything they have done.

Now this sounds like a lot for a 5 year old. They don't need everything at once. But they do need it. If they have a father figure in their life with some decency, you will have offered this 5 year old the ability to choose. You will have offered a 5 year the ability to make better choices.

Now a 5 year old will not do all this now. But if you continue to be there for this kid, they will have a much increased ability to live a much better life know their true self. So important.

The only thing the liars are offering are lies that will destroy the kid. One way or another. The kid is better knowing himself. It should not be his burden to pay for their lies. Which he will do if he does not learn the truth.

Know that telling a 5 year old will hurt them. But it will hurt them much less than not telling them. It very well likely help them in ways that are impossible explain fully. Courage is your friend.

Feb 05, 2018
Outting the liars , I'm telling the five year old
by: Anonymous

In the previous comment I laid out a terrible story of a family actively lying to a child & his not bio dad's family. I'm following up to state, after reading most of these comments here, I have tdecided a way to tell the child. I've shown him a picture before of his.biological dad with his mother on my phone. I'm having it printed up & framed & when he sees it I'm telling him that's his biological father. He does not have any natural affection for the man pretending to be his dad so I know he will be happy to know there's nothing wrong with him for knowing pretend dad isn't HIS dad. If pretend dad & liar mom would just be honest with him now, he could live his dad that's there for being what bio dad isn't but at this point, they're not giving him the option. I'm going to. I won't let him suffer the shock after he's grown. We've had too many troubles already with this couple lying. I'm not going to sit back knowing what they're doing to my grandson & just let them get by with it. I'm telling.

Feb 05, 2018
Trapped in someone else's lies
by: Anonymous

I had an argument with my daughter over my great grandson. Her daughter named & married a man who is not the biological father of my grandson. The man pretending to be his dad, her & my daughter all know the truth but have kept it from his family & from him. He is now five years old. I told her it is wicked to keep it a secret & shes said I'm hate filled & it's none of my business. I want everyone to know the truth & deal with it now. It's only right everyone knows can process it & move along. I have a photo of bio dad & keep it at my house. The bio dad is with the childs mom & I tell him its his moms friend Nick. I feel I'm being forced to lie. I want to say "that's your bio dad" & Alec is your adopted dad. It breaks my heart how they're all lying to the child & to Alec's family. I don't think that makes me hate filled. I think it means I care about my gr at grandson & the pretend dad's family.

Jan 24, 2018
by: Betrayed

I have found recently a wealth of information regarding cluster b narcissist personality disorder.

I found this information particularly helpful. It is useful in understanding how this can happen to a person.

Courage is your friend.

Jan 24, 2018
by: Betrayed

As I have stated many numerous times, mistakes are forgivable.

You may have made a mistake. That IS forgivable. Wall make mistakes.

What you do now will define whether you are going to betray your child. The difference is enormous. Like between a hand slap and a sledge hammer to the skull.

There is no scenario where she is not hurt. Period. I challenge anybody to provide evidence contrary.

So what are you going to do? Hand slap or sledge hammer? Being honest with her offers her some dignity in the situation. Which she will need. It represents you acknowledging that you made a mistake. Is that so bad?

Again, courage is your friend. What kind of person are you? Surely you logically understand.

Accept that you are a human being that has made a mistake and take responsibility. Otherwise, she will pay the price. And for that there is no sympathy.

Jan 23, 2018
I agree with Betrayed
by: Ladybug

First off, Anonymous, you are not hate-worthy, and you are an infinitely valuable person. You are not defined by this situation, and neither is your daughter. She deserves to know the truth now. It's really unfair to maintain a lie. 18 isn't a magic age where suddenly a person can process tough information. I learned about my mom's infidelity and my "dad situation" when I was a small child. What would've helped me is if I'd had more follow-up in the years after I was told. I didn't really learn to speak about and process my emotions until I was an adult. Some guidance regarding the feelings I had stuffed down would've been immensely helpful. I do feel that I had a better relationship with my mom than I would've had if she'd kept the truth from me for several more years. This info. has a lot to do with your daughter's understanding of herself and her identity development, so I say, the earlier she knows the truth, the better. I maintained an affectionate, loving relationship with my dad-who-raised-me even after I was told the truth. He didn't treat me differently from his other kids, and I regarded him as my true dad. His feelings were a bit hurt when I asked to meet my biological father, but our relationship remained in tact. The truth will make you free.

Jan 23, 2018
by: Betrayed

I disagree with many saying wait until a child is older. If you look at this site, I find the most well adjusted victims are the ones that were told in their youth.

My greatest struggle of my youth was the differences between myself and other family members and myself. I internalised the differences. Not in a good way.

Your child is likely doing the same. But she is different for good reason. Even difficult behavior is there for a reason.

I had to discover my oldest daughters behavior was exactly who she was. But not knowing my own real family, I had no idea. Meeting my real family, I learned how she is exactly like them. But I didn't recognise it. I didn't even know myself.

Years decades even, of decisions have been made, usually against my own nature. A lifetime of misinformation. Missed opportunities.

This is cruelty.

Courage is your friend.

Jan 19, 2018
Ancestry Show
by: MarciaGo2

The Ancestry show I referred to is called: Finding Your Roots. It airs on PBS.

Jan 18, 2018
Another factor to consider
by: MarciaGo2

Dear Anonymous,

I had another thought regarding your plight: have you considered how your daughter’s biological father might feel about this situation? All of the factors in this situation make it a true dilemma. I was just thinking tonight about my real father and my age and life situation when he passed away in 1973 and how tragic it was that he never knew I existed (at least as far as I know). I had two daughters bac then and later had two sons. He never had any other children that I know of.

Now you have stated that your daughter’s bio father is married with a young daughter. I was thinking that he is someone who has a moral right to weigh in on this decision because if you should choose to tell your daughter soon, his life will be impacted.

If you were to meet with him and tell him about your daughter and he was to agree that telling her when she turned 18 would be best for both her, him, and your husband, that would take some of the emotional onus off your shoulders.

Then when you do tell her, you could say that the three of you thought that under the circumstances, that was the best decision. You would be taking a risk telling him, I realize that, but just wanted to share my thoughts.

Also, are you aware that Ancestry has a show about some of the reconnections patrons have made to their biological parents? One episode was about a woman whose mother did like you have. Some perfect stranger came up to her and asked her what part of Italy her family came from. Well, she said she wasn’t Italian and he said something like someone is lying to you (if I remember correctly). So long story short, she did Ancestry and confronted her mother.

You could tell that she was angry with her mother. I was thinking that if your daughter could watch one of Ancestry’s shows, maybe you could feel her out on her thoughts on the subject as if you were just discussing this situation in general.

Just so you know, I’m not too happy about your husband’s threat - whether implied or outright. That’s a very insecure and immature stance for him to take because the true harmful implications here concern your daughter and her bio father since they are the people whom you have betrayed. AND SERIOUSLY, he’s not going to leave you over this, he’s just trying to bully you into doing what he wants. Your daughter knowing the truth would not supplant him if he’s been a good father to her. Her loyalties would be to him. He should step aside and let you and your daughter’s bio father make the decision because she will definitely blame him if he’s the reason you don’t tell her.

Just my two cents...for what it’s worth.


Jan 18, 2018
thank you
by: Anonymous

I certainly couldn't live with myself if her biological father died before she turned 18, or she never had the knowledge that she actually had a sister that she always wanted but i never allowed her to get to know. My husband doesn't want me to say anything to her, he'd view this as a big betrayal on him and likely would not handle things well. I feel in quite the bind, i don't know when best to do this, especially with the prepubescent comment. I'm well aware of the delicacy of this. I'm pretty sure a divorce will soon follow which could potentially put more stress on her. Any further advice would be appreciated.

Jan 14, 2018
by: Betrayed

Everybody makes mistakes. Mistakes are forgivable.

Not telling your child until they are 46 years old is not a mistake. It is a betrayal.

Jan 13, 2018
Your daughter
by: Betrayed

The sooner the better. Especially for her to understand herself. This is where the majority of the betrayal lays. She needs to learn from the people that she has that blood connection with.

There is no substitute that comes close.

True love should be your path.

It will be more difficult the older she gets. Not just for you. Mostly for her.

Kid's that are loved can handle truth. Betrayal hurts no matter what. Avoiding the truth robs her of t present and future.

Also, this guy could drop dead tomorrow. Then what?

Don't be selfish. This is her truth. Courage is your friend.

Jan 13, 2018
My opinion
by: MarciaGo2

I just read your story and want you to know that I don’t hate you. I am impressed that you are remorseful and apologetic. When you do tell your daughter, that attitude will go a long way toward helping her to forgive you.

I raised two daughters and have only recently learned about my bio father and that of my brother.

These are my thoughts regarding telling your daughter: while I feel that honesty is always the best policy, I would caution you because of your daughter’s age. Since she is prepubescent, I worry that she may lapse into a depression which could adversely affect her teen years. Lord knows that the teenage years are difficult enough without adding this devastating news to the mix.

I’m hoping her step-father is a standup guy and that they have had a good relationship. If that is so, that’s going to go a long way toward her accepting the news with a minimum of regret.

That being said, I would wait until she is 18 yrs old and out of high school. She will be old enough then to have either made a few mistakes of her own and/or have witnessed her friends making some. She will be old enough that she should have developed self esteem and a strong sense of who she is because this news will fracture her psyche.

I learned at 66 and my brother at 58 yrs old. Did we kind of suspect it? Yes, we did because of our looks. But trust me, it didn’t matter! It still devastated us for many reasons: the deception, the loss because our fathers are deceased, thinking our step-dad most likely knew too and was complicit in the deception. My mother cheated on two husbands, had five kids by four different men. So of course, our opinion of her was greatly diminished. Our step-father was abusive and rejecting so we felt deprived of the chance to have our real fathers’ love. Our mother is a narcissist so we didn’t receive love from either of them as children.

Like I said, you sound like a decent woman who unfortunately got pregnant. Don’t hate yourself. We’ve all made mistakes.


Jan 13, 2018
Please help my daughter
by: Anonymous

Well, you all will likely already hate me. I'm a mother of a daughter and this secret has been killing me. My daughter is 11, when i got pregnant with her i was 20 and just got out of a 4 year relationship (my first) and jumped right into another with my now husband of 13 years. After a few weeks of us being together i made the mistake of getting some belongings from my ex and we ended up sleeping together. I'd never cheated on anyone before and i was devastated, especially 5 weeks later when i found out i was pregnant. I immediately broke up with my boyfriend and went through the pregnancy alone, knowing it was likely my ex's and hating what i did. When my daughter came, i spent the first month with my mom, i was going to school full time (my instructor allowed me to bring her with me) and when i was off school i'd go immediately to work. i remember having to sign a waiver at my new job because i had just given birth 12 days earlier. My daughter had horrible colic, i hardly ever slept and was terribly stressed out about how my daughter would be viewing my actions, not even at the time knowing who her father was. At that point, my daughter was white as i was, my ex was very dark and i was quite sure i had been wrong about him and she was fully caucasion. She grew out of this and later developed an olive skintone as she left the toddler stage. My now husband had been contacting me seeing how i was doing and wanted to see us, after a few weeks of talking i moved out of my mother's apartment where he could help me watch the baby while i was working and i didn't have to commute for over an hour. By 6 months he had taken the test to confirm he wasn't the father and it was there that my heart was crushed and has been since, i flip from being deeply depressed to suicidal, which makes me feel even more guilty for my selfish thinking. I don't know how to handle this. This was not intentional, and the only thing i can think of now is how to fix it without hurting my daughter. I do NOT want to lie to her, i want her to feel loved and secure and I'm afraid i ruined everything. I looked up her bio-father, he's got another daughter that's a toddler and a nice family going.
I've ruined so many lives I hate myself for it. No matter what it's going to hurt all of them too, and they never asked for it. I hate myself for this. She's 11, i don't know if this would impact her worse now at 11 or later in life, but i need her to know. I know a lot of you will likely hate me for this, and i know i deserve it. i just want what is best for her. If you can please help her by giving any tips on what could have made the situation better, how you found out or how it was handled? I'm terribly sorry for all of the pain that you all have gone through, and I hope you find some healing.

Jan 10, 2018
by: Anonymous


In re: your comment to Tricia about the men keeping the secret for the woman, I keep thinking that , too! For all I know, my Mom manipulated by bio Dad into not contacting me and is asking me not to contact him. Perhaps his family does know I exist, but I'm afraid to make contact and perhaps they are afraid for the same "convincings" on my Mom. It's pretty crazy. I hope that someday one of them reaches out to me on Facebook or takes an AncestryDNA test, themselves. Once someone shows up as immediate family, there will be more doors open. If anyone is interested, GEDmatch is also a great site, as it links Ancestry, 23 and Me, etc. It's been a useful tool, also.



Jan 10, 2018
To: Tricia
by: Ann

Dear Tricia,
I'm so sorry you are going through this also. Its heartbreaking to read that so many others are going through it.
Did you ever feel Like you didn't look similar to your sisters? Ever have any kind of doubt at all? I have a couple times but never thought this. Its good that he is willing to do the test. You are very smart to get it done before you don't have that option to.
I wonder the same about telling my brother. I read some posts about how some have felt pushed away from siblings and others have been ok. I don't want to lose my brother so I have not told him yet. Theres also the fact that they will be angry and shocked about what their mother did. I think about that too. Meaning, even if your mom was alive and you didn't care about her feelings because you are so upset about this, you still need to think about the impact it will have on your siblings as well. They will be close to as shocked and heartbroken as you are. Its such a crazy feeling especially when you grow up in such a 'normal' family environment.
Also, another side is what is with these men that agree to keeping a secret like this for someone. Its really disgusting. The dad is just as to blame as the mother for this deception.

Jan 09, 2018
Thank you all for being here
by: Anonymous

Thank you all for being here. Your stories make me feel not so alone as I process this roller-coaster of emotions. It's been about a month since the "revealing" DNA test came back, and 3 weeks since my mom admitted the truth. Reading your stories helps. Thank you, T

Jan 09, 2018
by: Anonymous


I just wanted to reach out to you. I am sorry you are experiencing this. I, too, am wondering why the older folks just didn't tell us the truth. I'm glad you have found each other, though, but give yourself time to process "the roller coaster" of emotions. This site is great and helps us all through these scenarios. Hugs, Traci

Jan 09, 2018
Why not sooner?
by: Tricia

At 52 years old, I recently got the shock of a lifetime. I grew up with loving parents and two older sisters. The difference in age between the middle sister and myself is 12 years, so in my mind I've always thought that I was probably an accident, although my mom told me a good story when I asked. It was okay that I was an accident, because I never felt like my parents didn't want me. I never felt anything but love and nurture from both my parents and my sisters. By the time I was 19 years old, both my mother and father were gone. My father from an accident and my mother from a heart attack. For the next 33 years, I went through life leaning on my sisters and my parents best friend. Afterall, my sisters were grown and married then and my dad's best friend had known my parents long before I was born and we had spent many holidays and vacations with him and his family. After moving several times, I lost track of my parent's friends. Afterall, they were much older now and they too had left the area. Seven months ago, the son of the couple located me on Facebook. Excited to finally catch-up with him and see how everyone was doing, I soon found out that his mom & dad divorced years ago, both remarried, she eventually passed away and he was now 80 and crippled. This broke my heart, as we were all so close that this man gave me away when I married, helped me pick-out a new car and his son's moved me into an apartment when my mom passed. I contacted him via phone and he sounded great. Sharp mind, just older. I vowed to not loose touch again, as he was living alone and enjoyed our reminiscing and talks as much as I did. Two weeks ago, I decided to ask him if he knew if I was an accident. His response was, "What did your mom tell you?" I told him the story she had repeatedly told me over the years. He got quiet and told me he would tell me someday. Hello? He is 80 years old, I wanted to know then. Much to my surprise, after some prodding and pleading on my part for information of long ago, he confessed that he was my real father. He & my mom had an affair many years ago and she became pregnant. She told him I was his and he knew in his heart it was true. This has turned my whole world upside down. I have so many questions that will never be answered by my mom. My sisters don't know. His sons don't know. We are going for a DNA paternity test next week. I have to know for sure. He is convinced I am his only daughter. A secret like this should never have been kept for so long. For 33 years I could have had a father in my life. I don't have any hate in me for anyone. I'm not angry. I am confused. You see this man loved my daddy like a brother and vice versa. I know he didn't do it to hurt anyone. He claims my mother was supposed to tell me but I guess she died before she could. If I find out it's true, I don't know what the next step is. It will devastate my sisters. His son's may not like the new family member anymore. But I want my children to know him. They never knew my mom or dad. Time will tell how this plays out, but I it just stays on my mind constantly.

Jan 08, 2018
by: Anonymous

I write as a witness to your life changing situation. I can only imagine the betrayal and pain. For the rest of your years, what are you going to carry? Taking one step at a time, you start the healing. It seems grace is almost a necessity, it comes from outside of ourselves, and it can shatter dark decisions of the past. The heart can go places the mind cannot.

Jan 07, 2018
by: Ann

Isn't it crazy that they all seem to try to recover by saying 'you had a good life' almost llike we Are ungrateful. Its very twisted. This can really screw up your mind. Every time I feel any kind of guilt my husband reminds me of the goal and I am not the cause nor the blame of the situation, we just need our moms help and honestly to heal.
We have to remember that they are not the victim, we are. They are the ones that should be saying I'm sorry to us daily for the rest of their lives if that is what it takes to heal.

Jan 07, 2018
A good life
by: Betrayed

I am always amazed at the rationale mothers give. "I did what I thought was best" or "you had a good life". Mine tried comforting by telling me " you're still alive". Made me consider choking her with a Pearl Jam CD.

I don't know about others, but I feel like the life I lived has been half a life. And even the half I did get to live has been one of agony. I am done with second chances. All that remains is mine to do as I wish with.

Everyone will have to be worthy of me.

Jan 07, 2018
To: Anonymous Re: Forgiveness
by: Ann

Thank you for your post, it gives another view. I do agree that things were different back then and people were looked down upon for these situations and she probably did do what she felt was right for herself and me.
Sometimes I feel like I am being to harsh towards her when I already know the truth and considering her cancer. I kind of feel like my pushing could be making her cancer worse from the stress.
I think I'm just hurt she isn't just saying, I'm sorry, here is why I did it.
I just need an open honest conversation and then I can try to heal.

Jan 07, 2018
by: Ann

Wow, that is some good info. Thank you. Thinking of your mom as your protector, as she naturally should be, and having something like this happen is very hard to deal with. My whole life she was selfless and gave to everyone else before herself. Its just so crazy to think this actually happened, so hard to believe.

If her response to my letter is still not telling the truth then I will work on boundries for sure.

I keep wondering why me. People say things happen to teach us. I'm not sure what I am being taught yet but this is a horrible way to teach someone something, espically when they didn't create the situation.

Jan 07, 2018
by: Anonymous

For me, my mother lived in another time and place. I don't understand all the societal pressures she faced because things were very different. She also didn't have access to DNA testing back then - she may not have known for sure herself. Knowing my mom (and I'm only saying this for my mom - I don't know yours), I'm sure she tried to make the best choice she could at the moment for me and never thought about the ramifications. And, btw, I found thru my "detective" work, that brother most likely to be my dad died in 2006 so it doesn't really matter unless I care about meeting some half siblings. I'm still undecided about thst.

Jan 07, 2018
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

I am re-posting this as it was extremely helpful to me. Educated people have to raise their intellect / argument, not their voice / emotional response. I sincerely hope you find the peace and resolution you seek.....


To FYD Wisdom
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your spirit of caring advocacy, for posting these links and, above all, thank you your huge heart.
Your mother, who CHOSE to betray you in the most egregious and unconscionable way in refusal of informing you as to who your biological father is, on the other hand, likely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As such, she is, therefore, completely, utterly incapable of empathizing with her victimization of you. So be cautious, be thoughtful where your investment in engaging her is concerned. Ensure appropriate boundaries. If you're not sure what those boundaries should look like/feel like, do research on "Family Systems Theory/Family Roles Theory/Family Dynamics" and "Cluster B Personality Disorder in a Parent".
Thank you again, for your dedicated spirit of support to others. You are certainly not someone with a deficit of compassion and empathy for others. Your mother's personality challenge prevents her from experiencing a sense of accountability/compassion/guilt for the inexpressible damage she has done in choosing to lie to you. She will not EVER be capable of demonstrating 'authentic' communications and behaviors, toward you, that communicate that she is aware of the wonderful human being that you are.
NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is not typically treatable. So, take care of 'yourself'. Develop/maintain reasonable expectations and safe distance with regard to spending time with her.It doesn't mean the relationship is destined for 'no contact' necessarily. Perhaps begin to re calibrate the nature of the dynamic between the two of you. Consider shifting the lion's share of your time and heart -the most private/personal aspects of yourself- with those you have certainty that you are receiving healthy, authentic, mutual love and respect from.

When we have been betrayed so catastrophically by the 'one' person we are socially cued, all our lives, to believe and expect a day to day demonstration of selfless protection where our well being as their child is concerned; We are innately more vulnerable to those types of people in our sphere of influence who are opportunistic and who seek to take advantage.So just be 'aware' of those types. If you 'get a feeling' that someone isnt the who that they are presenting...Chances are they're not. Take care of you.

Thank you, again, for your wisdom and the helpful links. I will look forward to learning more about coping increasingly effectively regarding the betrayal by mothers who choose their own comfort level and pride over their child's right to pursue a relationship with their biological father.

Jan 07, 2018
by: Ann

Thank you for responding. All of these posts are so shocking. Its unreal and so upsetting to hear how often this has happened, I'm very sorry you are going through something similar. It's gotta be so hard, especially to try to fix things and she still lied.
Whats crazy to me is that WE are all trying to do the mending and they all seem to be sweeping it under the rug. It's so horrible.

And you are right, seems like she would continue to deny like your mom. We will see. I just wrote a letter saying that if she wants to move on and try to get back to the way we were, she needs to be completely honest. If she is not, then we will never have the same relationship. We are very very close, I am her rock, so I'm hoping this shocks her into opening up. We shall see.

Jan 07, 2018
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com


My mother handled this and is still handling this the same way. I found out in 2000 when I was 25 from a fedex letter I accidentally received while dropping something at my parents house when no one else was home. I knew I was in way over my head, so I talked to a therapist for 2 months and then confronted my Mom and told her we needed professional help, to salvage our relationship. She acted and defended her self the same way in front of the therapist. After living with this for so long, and telling themselves it was in their child's best interest, I do not believe they are capable of absorbing the gravity of what they have done. In my experience, you will never get the compassion you seek from your mother. I am deeply sorry for the shock and betrayal that you are currently enduring, and there is no simple solution. if you need to vent or discuss please email me at fydwisdom@gmail.com.

Godspeed Ann........

Jan 06, 2018
I wish I never did 23andme
by: Ann

Sorry this is so long...
Some family members were doing 23andme for fun so my husband & I did. On Thanksgiving morning I saw that my results were ready and it said I was 49% Jewish. I immediately started to cry, not about being Jewish, I was crying because neither one of my parents are Jewish at all. It also said 'you most likely have a parent that is 100% jewish & born between 1910-1940'. At that minute I immediately knew who my father was. My mom's former boss! He was a dentist she worked for for years and has always been in my life. He has been consistently in my life, I thought as a family friend. I was sick about it. My father died 7 years ago and my parents divorced when I was 2. I had a great life, I was very fortunate. My moms side is very close and loving so I am thankful for them. My mom seemed so "perfect" and we are like best friends so this was a huge shock to me.
Anyway, I couldn't believe this was true and didn't want to accuse my mom until I knew for sure so I went to visit where my bio father is (he is 88 not in good condition) My husband & I went with a paternity test. I was so upset that I was willing to even steal his toothbrushif I needed to, to get this answer! So I walked in & his face lit up, so happy. I sat down and said I have reason to believe you are my father. He looked at me and said "I have been waiting for this day..." OMG! My heart sunk. He said my mom would't let him tell me. She didn't want to disrupt my life. I just started to cry, for so many reasons. Then My husband said, have him take the test we need confirmation. He willingly took the paternity test and we left. Then I couldn't stand it. I had to go to my moms, I went alone. She didn't take it well at all. I have never seen her like this. Total gaslighting! She has never treated me like this before. Mad, denying, saying he doesn't know what he is saying, and the tests are just for entertainment. It was bad. I calmly said Ok, I did a paternity test & will have results in 2 days. I came to you because I trust you & I wanted the truth from you so if you are indeed telling the truth I will drop this and never bring it up again. She silently walked to the sit in the other room and I left. Two days went by & she finally called. She usually calls twice a day! When she called she sounded defeated but still saying I shocked her. But she started to open up and tell me that yes she dated him at the end of her marriage, she was in a bad place, didn't think and trusted him. Still saying she's shocked because they used protection. She said I need to treat this like and adoption, I had a good life and still do, and that I need to move on. I told her I wish I could but i'm devastated. I distanced myself, and she keeps calling. She still doesn't get the devastation, she even said the week before xmas that she just wants to have a good week. I let her have it and hung up. I thought she got it then now still saying she's shocked and I need to move on and treat like an adoption. I told her to never say to me again that she is shocked. I am the shocked one. I was not adopted! I ended up calling her a liar. I stopped answering the phone and its very hard. She is now texting me saying she is so sorry and loves me with all her heart. I just can't get over how she first reacted and that she was capable of doing this to me.
Another hard part is she has 2 types of cancer and I care about her deeply. I am a mess, crying and don't know how to move forward. I don't want to leave the house, can't eat. I thought about writing her a letter but don't know what to say to make her understand what she did and how I am a wreck. I think drilling it into her head in a letter and without me there it might sink in. She has got to be honest so we can move forward.
Any help with what to put in the letter is appreciated. Thank you and hope you are all able to regain your lives back as much as possible after going through this devastation in your own lives. Hearts & Hugs all around

Jan 02, 2018
by: Ladybug

It's awesome that you said that, Benaiah. I was just writing this to someone else on this site: "No matter what happens with your earthly paternity, your most important identity is in Christ, and no one can take that from you." I really need to be content in this truth. So sorry you have just learned this difficult news, but glad you know where your help comes from.

Jan 01, 2018
Truth Revealed
by: Benaiah

You’re r not alone.

Just discovered my father was not my biological father. My mother had an affair with my dad’s best friend. Discovered this information through ancestry DNA. Wow!

I’m glad my identity is established in and through Jesus Christ, the son of God. The one who justified me and gives me hope.

Jan 01, 2018
My father is not my biological father
by: Anonymous

I'm 70 years old and found out that my father is not my biological father. I'm one of 6 children and always thought I was different. Now I know I was right.
Unfortunately, my mother never told me and now anyone who might know is gone.
I believe I now know who he was and it foes help. How do I feel? Very disappointed that I wasn't told. My siblings don't think anything is different - which it isn't for them... Not true for me.

Dec 26, 2017
by: Traci C N


I am in the same boat as many of you and found out last week that my "Dad" was not my biological Dad after an interesting AncestryDNA journey. I agree that truth is the best policy.

My 77-year-old Mom finally gave me answers after a six-month journey of trying to figure out why my DNA match list was so off. An additional paternal relative tested and was not a match, yet matched others from my "paper" family tree. So, my mom basically had no choice but to finally tell me the truth. She is very relieved, so talking seems to have worked for all, in this case.

I am a bit bitter, at this point. I agree that this is a big deal, and we all need to give ourselves time to heal. I suggest building a private, "new" family tree based on the dna. It has helped a lot with the emptiness found with all of this.

Mom doesn't want me contacting my biological family as to not "tarnish" his reputation.

Take care and hugs,


Dec 26, 2017
Truth is always better than a lie
by: MarciaGo2

Dear Anonymous,
I just received an email that there was a new post on this site, so I just read your post. You are free to do whatever you want, of course. It depends on what YOU want. When I had zeroed in on two brothers, I asked relatives which of the two were in the town where I was born. It turned out both were. Then I was able to determine that one of them had married about a year before m conception. Common sense told me that it probably wasn’t the newly wed one. So then I wrote to first cousins to see if I could get somebody to send me a photo of both of them (they’re both deceased). I was sure, having had children, that I could identify my father based on his looks. As soon as I received the photos, I knew instantly. It’s been my opinion that fathers are usually dominate when it come to looks.

If you’re able to determine which of the two brothers is your father, then try to find out whether he was single when you were conceived by searching on him in Ancestry to see if you can find any marriage certificates for him or by asking relatives for that kind of information. I don’t know (if it were me) whether I would want to shatter a marriage with his infidelity were that the case. But again, that’s up to you. I think that would probably be the ONLY reason that I wouldn’t tell him - that is if he were still married to the woman he was married to at the time of your conception because she would be an innocent victim in that event and I wouldn want to hurt her.

But it would also weigh heavy on my heart to know him and things about my heritage, i.e., things about health in the family and things about your paternal grandparents because these are things about your identity which if left unknown will make it more difficult for you to reconfigure your conception of WHO you are. Right now yourconception of who you are has been shattered into little pieces because your whole life has been based on a lie.

I hope this helps you. I know what you’re going through and it’s very difficult. People who haven’t experienced this will have difficulty understanding what the big deal is, but it forces you to re-examine your entire life, the good and the bad, which for me was mostly bad.

Big hugs and prayers for you.

Dec 26, 2017
So glad I found this post
by: Anonymous

I also just found out via Ancestry DNA that my dad was not my biological father and I don't know what dont know what do to with the info. Both patents and all grand parents, aunts, and uncles are dead so I have no one to ask about it. I only know the name of my "uncle" and I've narrowed it down to 2 brothers - I don't even know if they are ali ve. Do I even want to meet him? Would I be betraying my real dad if I did? What chaos might I cause in his life if I meet him? How would it benefit me? Im on overload.

Dec 20, 2017
Newly Found at 40
by: Fydwisdom@gmail.com

I went through the exact situation your dealing with. Having to tell siblings, what to tell your kids etc. You have to deal with yourself first. The only difference between a victim and a rescuer is the mind set with which you enter a catatrophe. If you need to talk, question, or vent email me at fydwiisdom@gmail.com.


Dec 20, 2017
newly found
by: feeling lost at 40.

My bio- father found me via Facebook after 40 years. I was lost for words thinking it was a joke. I told him my father has passed a few years ago. He explained to me he was in the milatary and my mother left him and took me with her after the got Married, when he came back looking for his family she had started a new relationship.
The man I thought was my real father has passed. I feel lost and betrayed and still try to deal with all that's going on. My mother has not elaborated on this situation.I have not told anyone, I have not told my children that they have a grandfather.
I have a grandmother who is still alive and wants to meet me, my kids have a great-grandmother.
I have not told my siblings that they are real not my biological siblings.

I need help explaining to everyone

Dec 14, 2017
by: Fydwisdom@gmail.com


I wasn’t told until I was 25 and it cleared a lot of things up that I intuitively and subconsciously already knew. It makes you feel like you are not crazy for feeling off balance or out of place. My advice would be to tell your granddaughter immidiately. I wish my grandmother did. I still can’t believe she didn’t.

She knows things are off, and in my case, it made me appreciate the man that raised me rather than question how different we were all the time. When she does find out she will not separate those who knew and lied to her. The sooner you tell her the truth, the less damage she will suffer.

This is not easy, but what it always boils down to is what would you want done for you. If you need to talk, you can email me at fydwisdom@gmail.com

Dec 14, 2017
To 66 and just found out
by: MarciaGo2

Hi, I just read your post. If you have read my previous post, you will see that I too found out at 66 yrs old and that was two years ago. My opinion is that you should talk to your mother about it. When my brother and I found out about our respective fathers, the "news" or deception blew our family of origin wide apart. My mom and step dad were 87 at the time. I was afraid it would kill them, but they are still alive. Your mother is probably strong enough to handle it, and let’s face it, how much longer (realistically) does she have to live anyway? Ask her about it before it’s too late.

You are angry because you have been betrayed and deceived your entire life. My circumstances are so similar. My bio father died in 1973. I don’t know of any half siblings fathered by him, but it’s quite possible that if they did exist, they too may be deceased since he was 20 yrs older than my mother.

I remember when I was a kid hearing that it was recommended that if a child was adopted, they should be told as soon as they were old enough to understand it. It is an overwhelming thing to find out that your whole concept of yourself and your identity was built on a lie.

You are entitled to hear the truth about your conception. I don’t think you will ever get over it regardless, but your mother owes it to you to listen and hear the pain that it has caused you.

I sincerely hope that your mother is decent and can own your pain and apologize. My mother is a narcissist and as such, has not apologized. When that happens, it’s just adding insult to injury.

You have a long and hard road ahead for of you. I will pray for you. My brother and I are taking antidepressants. I still have emotional rough spots and so does my brother, so don’t expect that you will get over this any time soon.

Big hugs and prayers,

Dec 13, 2017
Child learning the truth
by: Carrie

Hello everyone my name is Carrie and I am writing this to ask you about my 11 year old granddaughter. My oldest son James died in August 2016 from an electrocution at work. In 2006 his first born child a daughter was taken away from him before she was ever born and kept from him and US intentionally by her mother and her grandmother. I won't get into a big long story because it was all based on lies and they just did not want her father or his family to have anything to do with this child. she was three and a half years old when he passed away in 2010 and the man who is raising her now she believes is her biological father. I have had four other grandchildren since her birth and I am very very close to all of them, my question is this. She just turned 11 years old, is she too young to find out the truth about her real father my son? I don't want to cause her any pain but I very much would love to meet her and so would my husband and so would my mother and father who are her great-grandparents before we die. I just want her to know how very important she was to me even though I've never met her physically I have some pictures of her, and I just want her to know that she's as loved as all of my other grandchildren and that she has been thought of every day of her life since she was born but I don't want to step in and cause her any pain whatsoever but I do want her to know how very much I love her.

Dec 12, 2017
66 and just found out my Dad was not my Dad!
by: Anonymous

Found out recently thru Ancestry DNA test, mt father was not my biological Dad! I am so anry over this! I dont know where to start. I know who my biological Dad was because of names that came up as matches. My mom is 94 and my bio Dad died in1969. I am sad that I never got to acknowledge him. I also had a half brother and sister. They have both passed away in the past 7 years. I have not talked to my mother yet. I don't want to hurt her at her age, but I am afraid if I don't ask my questions now, I will live with this the rest of my life. My children will be devastated. They loved their grandfather!! I go between crying and denial. I think I am going to need some professional help. In the meantime, I have to figure out when to ask my mother. She lives on her own and I am wondering if I should tell my other siblings or just approach my mom. Help PLEASE!!!

Dec 05, 2017
Moving Forward and/or Getting Unstuck
by: Marciago2

This is my second comment. I left one almost two years ago after finding out at 66 yrs old that my mother lied to me about my bio father and also to my brother (two different men). She had two marriages, five children by four different men! She lied to her two husbands about our true parentage as well.

I’m writing today to reach out to all of you for whom this is a relatively new situation as some have expressed feeling stuck and wondering how to move forward. Big hugs and kisses all around.

First, this is a REALLY BIG DEAL emotionally. Most people you talk to about this won’t understand. They won’t get how this news rocks your world, shatters your sense of who you are, and causes a tumult of emotions so overwhelming it boggles your mind. I understand! This is my advice, if you want it, on what you should do to move on and get unstuck: FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. Don’t let others marginalize your pain. See a good psychiatrist for medication, if needed. Research your DNA ancestors on Ancestry.com. Reach out to your closest DNA matches to determine, if possible, who your father was/is. Then, try to (over time) obsorb your new identity into your psyche. GRIEVE your losses. Express your feelings to your mother even if she won’t accept them or own what she’s done to you. Don’t force yourself to forgive her until you are ready to and have dealt with all your feelings. And lastly, remember it will get better over time. There is a group called DNA Detectives on Facebook if you need help and advice. Love to all of you and God bless you!

Dec 03, 2017
Glitch in the operating system
by: Betrayed

I have struggled, unnecessarily in my opinion, for moßof my life. What it was took a revelation to comprehend.

I have made a lifetime of decisions based on bad information. So many thoughts and ideas that would have been different. So many actions would have taken a different course. So many times I chose not to trust my instincts.

I chose inaction so many times because that is what the people I grew up with did. I followed against my better judgement. And it rarely worked out.

I was not the same person as those I grew up with. As a result, I lived a lifetime of bad choices. One after another.

Who do I go to get my life back? The doubt and confusion is real. It carries consequences. ThoS that attempt to dismiss this are enablers of this destruction.

Dec 03, 2017
by: CS

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I have read and re-read all of the posts here and the pain, heartache and confusion from everyone is very sobering. I believe completely that nobody can understand this shock unless they have experienced it themselves. We can try and explain it to others, but they cannot comprehend the complicated emotions. I have told friends and my (half) siblings (who were full siblings before I found out!) and they all basically say, "oh, how awful. But you'll get over it, it's not all that bad."

But if it had happened to them, I suspect their answers would be radically different. They would be wallowing in a deep pain.

Ultimately, I think the main purpose in life is to be happy. That's the goal of most people and it's impossible to be happy if we can't all accept and try to incorporate this shock into our lives. It will be tough, but not impossible. For those of us who were lied to by our mothers, I don't even have words for this type of deceit and betrayal. We all deserved at least to be told because of our medical histories, if nothing else.

But harping on this aspect of it, or blaming our moms won't bring happiness. It just stirs up negativity, hate and feelings of helplessness. None of us can change what happened, many will never know why we were lied to about the identity of our biological fathers. In order to achieve happiness or even a semblance of peace of mind, we have to learn to accept things we cannot change. And eventually, with time and some patience, most of us can overcome this. A Forum like this, where we can exchange thoughts, is a wonderful thing! :)

Dec 03, 2017
by: SWV

I’m so sorry. When I first found out, I thought "I can handle this—it is what it is." As time went on, I found questions and thoughts creeping in that caused me to not be able to handle it as well as I had hoped. IF that happens to you, just give yourself time to process it, with the knowledge that you will feel better and get on with life. Took me 2.5 years. Still a work in progress, but much better than I was.

I got the news from my mother that she thinks my dad was not biological father. I ordered AncestryDNA’s kit. It sat on my bedside table for a year. I just sent it off on November 20. I had to prepare myself to find that I may not recognize any names on my paternal side. I’m nervous about that, but feel ready to better deal with that possibility now.

I hope you can escape the emotional torture of all of this crap. I think a proper mindset and willingness to work through it is possible. It was slow going for me, but I’m getting there. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. Always be working towards feeling better.

Dec 02, 2017
by: Fydwisdom@gmail.com


I have been dealing with similar nuclear shock for 20 years. If you need to talk, vent, express the inexplicable toxic emotions that come with this new found information, there are people who understand. Please reach out anytime fydwisdom@gmail.com.


Dec 02, 2017
Found out last week
by: CS

Like so many of you here, I found out through an ancestry.com DNA test that my father was not my biological father. I am 56 years old and it was by far the biggest shock of my life. It was almost like looking out the window and seeing a mushroom cloud from nuclear war. The shock was visceral. It's been 8 days since I found out and the shock is starting to lessen. When I first through my DNA matches and saw nothing from my paternal side, I assumed that there was a glitch or that eventually the paternal matches would come along.

Well, they didn't.

Instead I got a lot of matches with the same last name as a man with whom my mother had a 35 year extramarital affair. A man I knew and liked a lot, but my mother always denied to me that he was my biological dad. She lied to me hundreds and hundreds of times because I asked her, "Is he my father?" The answer was always, "no, that's impossible, I met him after you were born."

My mother is dead and so is my biological father. I am tortured with all the times I was around him and I never got to love him or even get to know him very well. I was denied a relationship with him because my mother lied. And since I looked nothing like the man who raised me and looked quite a bit like the bio dad, she knew damn well my paternity.

However, unlike many people here (and this is not a judgment or criticism!), I can't allow this to ruin my life. I have a lot of anger and resentment right now towards my mother, but that hopefully will pass. I can't harbor rage or anger against her because she's gone and I will never get resolution. I'll never know why she lied to me, especially since she divorced my father when I was 20 and then she could have told me with no consequences to my dad.

It is what it is. There are worse things that happen to people, but God knows this was a terrific shock. In some ways, I feel like a stranger in my own skin. My paternal longevity went from people who lived to be 95-100 years old, to people dropping dead at 30 and 40. I feel numb and can't seem to concentrate on anything of substance.

Most of you know these same feelings because we're all in the same boat. But life must go on and we all must find happiness again. Time heals all wounds, so I presume it can (and will) heal this one.

Nov 28, 2017
Nuclear Blast
by: Betrayed

Wow. Sounds like you have have really been on a journey. I am sure it has been quite painful at times,. I have found playing through the pain quite rewarding.

So much better to be active and not reactive. Something powerful in that.

Best to all that been through this. Strength and courage are our friends. I imagine that some of your new siblings are dealing some pain.

For me, the connection between me and my new siblings was incredibly strong. The girls dealt with it much better than the boys. I personally recommend a no strings approach.


I am not sure that word means what you think it means.

Best movie ever.

Nov 24, 2017
Nuclear Blast Update
by: Anonymous

Hi all,

I thought I'd give an update... (Ref late Jan 2017)

I approached the Salvation Army re-finding my half siblings as I knew my biological father had passed away. The Salvation Army came back and advised they were unable to assist as "Jim" had passed on and there was no way they could progress without him.

I subsequently approached the local "Lost and Found" programme and I was again thwarted. They advised that not only was Jim dead, but the oldest of the sibling brothers were too.

My search them focused on the youngest brother, the oldest being a sister who would be almost impossible to trace given the commonality of the surname and possible marriage.

Needless to say, I found the youngest, eventually, I made contact only to be advised that there was no interest and I should please never make contact again. I was shattered.

I was left with two options, try and trace a cousin and/or try for the sister. I decided to do both! With the assistance of a genealogist, we started to work down the first cousin route. However, through a stroke of luck... actually a spelling mistake, I found my half sister.

In short, I was able to meet her recently, along with her wonderful husband and one of her daughters.

A very weird experience, yet wonderful. She was so open to meeting me and we're looking forward to evolving this relationship. As for the youngest brother, he apparently thought it was a scam... his choice as to whether he wants to open up the channels of communication... and in another twist of fate, the oldest brother is not dead!

I have to say that this was the deepest darkest tunnel I have ever experienced in my life, as an only child whose father had passed many years ago, the secret, the way it came out and the subsequent chaos has not been pleasant.

I have no idea where to from here regarding my relationship with my mother, time will tell. I have divorced the family that were biologically related given the intentional hurt they tried to cause. I have rekindled a relationship with my family on my Dad's side although we are not biologically related.

And I have again confirmed that family is not blood, it will never be blood for me. I have friends who have had my back, helped me stand when I have faltered, I have children who have been a grounding force, they are a mix of biological and non-biological.

I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their stories and their feelings - it has been a tremendous help to me.

Most of all I have learned that I am me - I shall not apologise for who and what I am. Like me or not, it has no bearing in my world.

I wish every one of you love, light and strength.

Nov 23, 2017
How to know if you should tell a loved one
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

I am seeing many questions on whether to tell or not to tell a loved one based on age and if they would ever find out. When I was faced with this decision, I kept coming back to the simple question. What would I want done for me. I have never met anyone one that said they wouldn't want to know. Most of the anger that follows the realization of this information is knowing that people that (supposedly) cared about you kept such critical information from you. "How could they have lied to me my whole life" In my case it kept me from meeting my biological grandmother before she died. By no means am I mitigating the daunting task you face, but if you honestly ask yourself what you would want done for you, their is invariably only one way to solve the problem. If you would want to know the facts, you have to give that same respect to your loved one.


Nov 15, 2017
The aftermath
by: Anonymous

I posted here around june or july. my brother and i did the 23and me and found out he and i were half siblings. i have always had a suspicion since i was 14 (now close to 50). we do not share the same father. i told my brother who took it very well. he said he does not want to contact anyone from the bio family. he does not want to tell my real dad and he does not want to stop talking to our mom, he is not going to tell his friends or even his step son. He said he is 44 and too old to deal with this so he is just going to just move on. i feel if i would have known this would be his reaction i probably would have never told him because once again our mother is not going to be held accountable for her actions. she moved my brother and i here to illinois from the west coast away from all my family on a lie. she treated my dad with so much hatred and used us against him when all along she knew my brother was not his. i feel my relationship with my brother is now strained and hopefully it will get back on track. i am not going to bring it up anymore to him. all i want to know is if he talked to our mom about it. she has all the sudden ended up in the hospital a few times and i am 100% sure it is to get him to feel sorry for her. (she told my real dad that i had cancer when i was young and he subponed by medical records to find out i did not) they have cut off all contact with me (step father and mother). i am now finally in therapy for the first time which i should have been since i was a kid do to her emotional and physical abuse that i endured not my brother. she took me away from my real dad to another state and lied to him that i would be able to come see him. i am upset he did not fight harder for me and knowing she was crazy let us go with her. my family said this is happening to your brother but i beg to differ it is happening to me also and now i have decided i do not need her toxicity in my life and our realtionship is now non existant and it will be like that until she changes but that will never be.

Nov 14, 2017
by: Anonymous

You have a difficult decision ahead. I would recommend reading all these postings back a year, or maybe two. There are situations that might be similar to yours and they may provide insight as to your next move. Considerable understanding can be gained from the lifetimes of experience that have been shared. Personally, I believe the door you’re about to open will be painful, but I think it needs to be done. Prepare yourself.

Nov 12, 2017
Revealing the truth to family members
by: Renee'

After discovering that your biological father is not who you thought he was. (due to ancestry dna proved this fact) Do you share it with other family members? (siblings etc) I feel if I make it known, it will bring shame to my mother? I am debating on whether to reveal the truth or carry on the secret. (my mother was married and having an affair with another married man)

Nov 12, 2017
Is keeping the secret a lie?
by: Anonymous

My brother and sister recently submitted DNA with me to help me in my genealogy research. We are between 57-64. Neither of them jas interest in my research, though i have been pationate about it for years. I was always the outcast in our family and only in in the past six years was there reconciliation and now closeness between me and my brother. Our mother was a huge part of driving us apart. She has since passed away. My father died a few years before her.

To my complete shock, my brother does not share the bilogical father as me and my sister. He doesnt know. I am reeling with anger towards my mother and questions about whether my father knew. If he did, it only increases my love and respect for him, because he treated my brother with tremendous acceptance. They were extremely close.

My brother and i agreed that we would always tell each other the truth. Do you tell someone a fact they may never have learned just because it contradicts what they were told their entire life, and risk all that could follow?

Nov 10, 2017
The Black Sheep
by: Anonymous

I guess I always felt something wasn't right. The distance was a massive give-away. No hugs, no special treatment. The constant reality checks. The only child that was constantly beaten. Always screamed at and called a bastard by my mother. I was always asking questions. Why did my dad have blonde hair and blue eyes when I was so obviously black? My sisters looked like him, why didn't I? Why was a left in the UK after I was born while mum and dad lived elsewhere for the first year? Was I hidden away? I never had any personal conversations with my parents and they never asked me anything about myself. I was left to do what I wanted, with who-ever I chose to do it with and left to come home when I was ready...no concern. No interest. I didn't belong to anyone, like an old rag doll. I failed at life. I took drugs and drown my sorrows in self pity. Just before my father died he asked me to go home for a family meeting. We did everything so formally all of the time. He had the words on the tip of his tongue but when I pushed he just gave me this distance. He tailed off..."I know secrets about you that you will never know" I wish he just said it, instead of dying and leaving me in a state of limbo. I did my DNA test last Christmas and he wasn't my Dad. Just a very polite and very courageous man who raised me to be honest. Just a shame that neither of my parents could afford me the same grace. (11/11/17)

Nov 10, 2017
by: Anonymous

I found out three years ago I had a daughter. She had been told by her mum that her "dad" wasn't her biological dad. I had a relationship with her mum for about a year and a half when I was eighteen, she got pregnant, I remember that, BUT she told me, and the guy that she married, that the child was his. Seemingly, when my daughter was about 15 years old she was told about this, well her "dad" says he wasn't told about this until "OUR" daughter decided to try and get in touch with me, and succeeded, and he was devastated because it was the first he knew about the whole thing. My ex partner wasn't a nice person when I knew her, she was obviously a liar too. She has caused problems in so many lives, I am in my sixties now, and I am married.

Nov 09, 2017
Jennifer - books that helped me
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com


Two books that helped deal with the toxic rage that this situation will produce.......... "The Power of Now" by Eckart Tolle and "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl.


Nov 07, 2017
...not my biological father!
by: james

Only God and not man can fix each one of these situations because He has power to remove your anger out of your heart, and yet fill it's place with His peace and love...unless this has happened, you will continue in your discomforts. No consellor will be of such good help.

Psalms 27 (NKJV)
10. When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the LORD will take care of me.

Your situation isn't unique. Even many still know their biological fathers but boil with evil of divers categories within. So whether you know him or not...we all have one enemy, satan...he came to steal-kill-destroy. He doesn't discriminate. Only God says, i came to give you life and much of it indeed.

Consider your creator then. He knew you were coming to birth amidst your situation...if God didn't kill you before birth, he can fix you. He knows why he preserved you. Didn't he allow Solomon to come out to life? Look how he turned out as king of Israel.

God bless you all.

Nov 06, 2017
Anguish - who am I
by: Anonymous

My mother's actions broke out family apart. I am 54 years old, and from 45 onward I demanded answers and help with finding my birth father and she gave me none. She actually told me to get a lawyer and to not talk to her until I could be a better daughter. So, once I did find my father 3yrs later, he had passed away. Today I still have no contact with my mother and I could care less. She has told the entire family that I betrayed her and she continues to play the victim card. Only one of my siblings talk with me and I have two more who don't. Nobody can understand the betrayal, pain and anguish of never knowing who your father is - unless they have walked your shoes.

Nov 04, 2017
by: Betrayed

Many of us suffer from mothers that constantly play the victim never taking responsibility for anything. They can't not allow themselves to be the center of attention.

Most of us (Not all) understand this all too well. This person is asking for attention in the wrong place. Our pain is deep enough already. We should not be required to suffer her victimhood.

She already knows everything she is asking. What she really wants is forgiveness. Of which I have nothing to offer.

Nov 04, 2017
i understand
by: Anonymous

I too am dealing with my boy not being my biological son. Julie has passed from breast cancer, sorry, my previous wife, and I am dealing with the aftermath. Although I do not condone this women's behavior, to bring the darkness into light is amazingly courageous. There is so much pain that, I feel, the only solution is truth that lies within ourselves and to express those mistakes so others can learn. I respect both you honey and your kid. Help and love must never be conditional for those you care about. Thanks for sharing, this is helping me and 1 of my 5 kids. Love and Peace.

Nov 04, 2017
by: Anonymous

There is a great healing process Calle day THE JOURNEY.
I did it years ago ... also another called. PATH OF LOVE. I’m not advertising. I just did them myself years ago ... and really helped me to resolve pain and resentment and reach a place of understanding if not forgiveness yet. Much love.

Nov 03, 2017
by: Betrayed

Not sure why you would how we would resolve issues with our mothers. I have zero interest in resolving anything with mine.

Feel free to resolve whatever you wish with your own though. Even if I wanted to, there is nothing for me to resolve.

Best of luck.

Nov 02, 2017
by: Jennifer

Just wanted to say Thank you for commenting on my post about how much our stories are alike. One of the hardest things about this is that I do not know anyone that is going through what I am going through and it makes you feel very alone. I have gotten a lot of comfort in reading so many post and it seems we all share many of the same feelings. My question now is how do we move forward in our healing? What are the steps we can take to learn to live with the new truth of our lives. It is possible to do that without resolving the issues with our Mothers. I am still not talking to my mom and when asked I simply say I am just trying to work on my own feelings right now and can't even begin to work on that relationship yet. I would love to know of a book or anything I can do to be proactive in my journey. Hope some of you have some ideas.

Nov 01, 2017
by: Betrayed

totally agree with swv. This person deserves no quarter. I personally have no tolerance for these selfish individuals. Still can't help but ask for everyone to pay attention to her.

Oct 28, 2017

by: Catherine

Thanks SWV,
I appreciate your feedback and hearing your point of view. It helps me to understand more.

Oct 28, 2017
Mom’s post
by: SWV

I don’t have a problem with it staying up, but if she wanted to see how people in her son’s situation are handling it, there are tons of posts to read. To come on here and talk about the dark place she’s in seems selfish on this message board. Read the comments to see the other side, but don’t comment seeking advice. And I felt that she was sort of trying to justify what she did because, in her opinion, son had a great life. Wonder if son feels like that? My mother would have said the same thing, but my gut always told me something was off. She told me it was just me whenever I questioned it. At 51, I learned why I felt out of place. She did treat me that way!!! I just feel that the moms who did this to their kids always think they had a good reason to keep it from their kids, when the fact is it was a selfish decision so their life wouldn’t be inconvenienced. To come here full of BS explanations talking about your dark place seems misplaced. Read comments to learn what your kid might be feeling, but ask for advice for YOUR issue from other moms who did this. Just my two cents on it. I defer to people who probably aren’t as angry as I am about it. Would welcome her son. Sounds like he needs all the support he can get.

Oct 28, 2017
There's value in seeing both sides
by: Catherine


I'm not sure whether to delete Mom's comment or not. She very clearly loves her son and wants advice on how she can best help him through this. As the people on this board have gone through the same as her son, you know exactly how her son must feel. Wouldn't it be compassionate to her son to provide advice to the mother on how she can help her son heal? She said SWV's advice to give him time was helpful.

It's also important to hear from the other side and see how it happened, what they were thinking, and from that learn what could be done to help others avoid the same mistake in the future. She's not an evil monster. She didn't set out to intentionally hurt her son. A lot of mothers in this situation probably didn't know how to bring the subject up or didn't want to hurt their child and now are dealing with the consequences. Just because it might not have been the best choice doesn't mean the person is a horrible person. It's a horrible situation on both sides and everyone is hurting in this case.

Why not have compassion for both sides and work to find answers that can start the healing that's needed for everyone?

Maybe if both sides talked about it more and there was lots of information available on how to tell a child things like this then it wouldn't happen as often. So, if a mother wants to know how to help her child why not help her?

Let me know what you think. I can delete it if you wish but I do think there's value in seeing both sides of the story.

Oct 28, 2017
by: The Mom

Yes, you are correct. I am not able to delete my comment so maybe the moderator of this site could. But you comment at the end, to let him have time, is helpful. I don't know how much I should pursue him, he lives far away (meaning should I call him frequently or just let him have space). thanks.
Moderator could you please remove my previous post.

Oct 28, 2017
Help needed...your cousin
by: Anonymous

You just found out and apparently, everyone knows except your cousin? Your understanding of the truth needs to come forward, or it may turn into regret and possibly resentment for others "in the know". These thoughts would then live in your head, but at what cost? I have found that regret is irreversible. So, it is within your means to nourish compassion and dismantle an indifference to the truth.

As for your mother not wanting to speak about this, people will do anything to avoid facing the truth, because it hurts. If you choose to see it her way, then you cease to follow the truth.

Oct 28, 2017
To What’s a mother to do?
by: SWV

Your son would benefit more from this message board than you will. You should address your inquiry to other mothers who have done to their kids what you did to yours. This message board is not that place, and it’s a little insulting that you came here. I don’t think you’ll find much support here. It was not convenient to your life to tell your son, so you didn’t. Choices come with consequences. Don’t talk about the dark place you are; think about the dark place he is. Give him space and time. He deserves it. You are in the wrong here, not him. Deal with it.

Oct 28, 2017
Help needed
by: Anonymous

I need your help please ......
I have just found out that my cousin's father was not her biological father. Both her mother and step dad are now dead yet my mother (her aunt) is still alive and knows all the facts. My mother is very elderly (87) and my cousin is 55.
I just really need to know ........ please ...... should I tell my cousin ?
We are part of a very large family and apparently EVERYONE knows except my cousin and her daughters.
I am really ripped apart by this and want no part in the lies and deceit. please give advice ...... all welcome. My mother has told me that she will not tell my cousin anything and will take the information to her grave.
I'm so so sad

Oct 27, 2017
What should a mother do?
by: The Mom

I had an affair, which I decided to end and focus on renewing my relationship with my husband, and during that time my son was conceived. I believed Tom, the man I was having the affair with, was the father. I told my husband, and he said he considered the baby his son, no matter what. When my son was one year, I got a divorce. My son's legal father (my ex) was a wonderful father and we co-parented. I ended up back with Tom, and lived with him for 10 years until we eventually split. My son was raised by both fathers, both adored him. He lived with Tom and I during the school year and spent summers with my ex. When he graduated from high school he lived several years with my ex and they became very close. Later he moved back to the state he was raised with Tom and I (we had split by this time) and Tom gave him a job. They became very close and Tom told him he was his biological father. This has destroyed my son. Even though he loved both of the fathers that raised him, now, 11 years after finding out, he told me he doesn't know who he is. I offered to buy him an dna kit and fathers. He is very upset with me and told him I would pay for therapy. He found out 10 years ago but recently it seems to have hit him again and this time he quit talking to me. I have tried not making this about me. He is so adored by his family. He wants to know if his siblings are half. Only the sister he was raised with knows this story.He also remembers his legal father's family being so horrible to him (grandma and great aunts), but they were horrible to their flesh and blood, too. He is 32 years old. What can I do to help? I offered to get dna kits for all 3. When I created this mess I was so ashamed, remorseful, and depressed, but I always loved my son and made sure he had a good life. Now I am back in that dark place because he is suffering.

Oct 11, 2017
RE: Paternity Testing for my teenage son by: Anonymous
by: Ladybug

Hi. I recently discovered this site and posted my first post a couple days ago. I read your message this morning, and I just want to tell you that you are doing the right thing by choosing the honest route of telling your son the truth (better now than later- why prolong the agony?). I commend you for seeking a counselor's help in how to approach this delicate matter. I was told about my mom's affair when I was just a small child, and I stuffed down a lot of false guilt (for this news hurting my dad who had raised me) and overwhelming emotional pain that I'm only dealing with now as an adult. From your post, you sound like you are taking a humble approach, and I believe this will go a long way with your son, and hopefully even his dad. You can't make up for what has happened, but you can handle the present situation with grace and understanding. Your son might experience sadness or confusion or anger, and likely all three. Let him. My advice: Don't try to "fix" his emotions, and don't be defensive if he is upset with you for a time. Maybe steer him to this site or others like it so he can see that he's not alone. And don't make it "the family secret." It's his true story, and yours. The truth will make you free.

Oct 11, 2017
Paternity Testing for my teenage son
by: Anonymous

I got pregnant with my son December of 2002. At the time I found out I was pregnant I knew there were 2 possible fathers. I had sex with them 2 1/2 weeks apart so I listened to a family member that said an ultra sound should pinpoint when I got pregnant since I was only a few weeks along. The ultra sound pointed to me getting pregnant in the middle of December. The father was aware I had another sex partner so there was a possibility of him not being the father. He wasn't involved during my pregnancy or when my son was born. I strongly felt he was the father and filed for child support. I expected him to request a paternity test but he never did. He took one look at my son and knew he was his. I always believed him to be the father until recently. As my son has become a teenager and started going through puberty he looks so much like the other guy. I looked him up on social media and it was like looking at my son as a grown man. I am 100% sure this man is my son's bio dad. The right thing is to have the paternity testing done now. Everyone has a right to know the truth. I am so afraid of the impact this will have on my son as he's finding his identity in the world and to find out the Dad and family that has helped raise him is not blood related. I am also afraid of the devastation this will cause to the father who thinks my son is his biological son. I have made an appointment with a counselor to sort out the right moves to make and when to make them. In the meantime I am struggling with my inner demons for not doing the right thing and insisting on the testing 14 years ago when my son was born. I pray everything will be ok and my son will handle the transition into finding out he has a different bio dad. I also pray the man that has raised him for 14 years will still continue to be his Dad.

Oct 11, 2017
To Jennifer
by: SWV

Oh man, your comment could have been written by me!! I’m 53, was told 2.5 years ago that my dad might not be my biological dad (haven’t done ant tests yet; I’m not brave enough yet). My dad died almost four years ago. I, too, immediately went to therapy. Went to two different counselors. Neither really knew what to do with me either. My constant complaint was I felt stuck. I feel less stuck now. I don’t live in the same town as my mom, but my sister does. I immediately told her. I told my mother I would not be burdened with her secret. It’s my story to tell. I told my husband and a few close friends who don’t know my mother. I understand you not wanting to confirm to your dad, but he already must have been pretty sure since he told you his suspicions. I was diagnosed with situational depression, complicated by the fact that I was going through menopause. It was a horrible two years. I keep my distance from my mom. I take care of her finances, but that’s about the extent of my involvement with her, and that’s only because she’s an old lady now. I always felt different and treated differently by her, even as a little kid. I verbalized this to her and was told I was being dramatic or overly sensitive or just jealous of my sister. I realize now that my gut was telling me. It’s caused me to dig up issues I’d long gotten past. I’m glad this board has helped; it’s helped me, too. I hope you can find someone to talk to in person.

Oct 11, 2017
Found out at 54
by: Jennifer

My 80 year old father told me 2 years ago that he did not think he was my dad and gave me the name of the man my mom had an affair with when he was in the Army reserves. It took me two years to have the courage to do the DNA test because I could not have asked for a better man to be my dad. I finally took it and we had zero chance of being related. I can never tell him the truth. I asked my mom and she first said the test was wrong and before I could take another one told me the truth. She said she had an affair and it was a one time hotel room night that she regretted and put out of her mind. I look just like her but nothing like my dad, sister and brother but like so many of you have said since the 5th grade felt like something was wrong and that I did not match the family I was in. She now says she is as shocked as I am about the truth but I don't feel that is true. I have not spoken to her now in 5 months because I can't just get over it and can't accept that she just forgot she had an affair. I am angry but am tired of being angry. I think about it all the time and feel stuck. My biological father lived less then 10 miles from me but passed away 5 years ago so I have no idea if this story I have been told is true or not. When I found out I saw a therapist immediately but she seemed to have no idea how to deal with this situation. I saw her for 4 months but she gave me little or no help. My mom does not want anyone to know and has told no one so I feel completely alone in dealing with all of this. I live in a small town and am even afraid to tell any of my friends for fear it will be told and would completely destroy the dad that raised me. This website at least makes me feel that I am not alone but I have no idea how to move forward. I dread the holidays now because I will be expected to participate in everything but have to keep this a secret. I wish there were clear concise steps to do to move forward or a book or something that I could do to help me deal with my anger and hurt. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I have had to deal with many, many difficult things in my life. I have a high stress job that requires my full attention but find myself staring at my computer many times just thinking about my life and how much I feel this has changed me.

Oct 09, 2017
What would you do?
by: Ladybug

I met my biological father several years ago. It was a great meeting, and it helped tremendousluy with my sense of identity; however, that was the last time I saw him. He doesn't want to disrupt his family and life, I guess. His wife and one sibling know about me but he chooses to keep me a secret from another sibling and from my grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. I hate being a secret but don't want to "ruin" the image and life he is trying to keep up. I'm being overly responsible, right? I bet a lot of us here are. I could easily contact the whole bunch of my bio family members on fb, but wouldn't that put a greater wedge between my bf and me? I do console myself with the fact that in reality my bio family probably isn't the idealized family I have always wished for. Maybe I ought to appreciate what I do have instead of pining away for something else. Thoughts?

Sep 22, 2017
by: Anonymous

You have been given a gift and a chance to speak to your brother with a greater softness and ease than was done to you. Exactly, how has this opportunity raised your spirits? It sounds like you have found a clarity of intention. Talk to your brother and go first with your heart, with compassion, and just be in the moment with him. Sometimes the potency of the truth can shatter barriers in a blinding flash. This new truth alone, can help you and your brother find essential meaning for yourselves. Go after this time in your life so fully and so completely that there is nothing left to do.

I give you love…

Sep 22, 2017
Nuclear Blast Help
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

There is no easy way to start this conversation, so you have to lead with the facts. Some people are excited by this type of information, others run from it.

Hi (Name),

I have genetic information that proves we are related. I wanted to make sure you were aware because I was not, and I would want to know. There is no pressure, but I personally would love to meet and discuss these findings. I will respect your wishes either way.



Sep 21, 2017
by: Nuclear Blast

HI, all... I need some help/advice/ideas.

I have just had an e-mail from my "would be half-brother". I have been trying to make contact for ages and he has just replied to a note I managed to get left in his post box.

He has no idea I exist, and he is curious about info that I have relating to "our" father.

Any ideas on how to broach the subject... or more directly, how the hell do you start the conversation??

I might add this contact is over e-mail.

Sep 10, 2017
DNA Statistics
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

I have found that long hikes help you burn the toxic energy that this news can generate. It also is very interesting to study the DNA statistics that have increasingly provided more enlightening information on this topic. If anyone has any good studies on this topic please share.........by no means is there a quick fix, but I have been dealing with this for 18 years and have developed some very effective coping mechinisms.

Godspeed to you all!


Researchers found that the numbers of men unknowingly raising another man’s child held constant at around 1-2 percent per generation over the last four hundred years in Flanders in Western Europe. This is in contrast to previous estimates that had put the numbers as high as 8-30 percent.

Sep 09, 2017
Nuclear Blast - Update
by: Anonymous

Hi all,

I haven't been on the page in a while; thought I would give an update.
I contracted a genealogist to do some digging for me as my bio father lives in a different hemisphere. Anyway, to cut a very long story short, my bio father passed away in the mid-1990s and I have found out that I have three half-siblings. Unfortunately, one has passed away and I have contact details for another, the third is proving to be a little more difficult.
My first thought was to have someone else make contact on my behalf; however, I decided that I would demonstrate the courage my mother couldn't and I would make contact. So far I haven't been able to get through on a telephone number I have, but I shall persevere with other options.
With regards to my relationship with my mother, it has gone to rack and ruin. To be honest, I have nothing left to say to her, after the bomb shell earlier this year from an aggrieved niece of hers to her forgetting my birthday, I'm an only child, to her playing the victim and refusing point blank to take any responsibility... I'm done.
I think it is very sad that the "parents" particularly the mothers on this page, do not have the backbone and courage to stand up and take responsibility for their behavior. To me, it is the worst demonstration of what a mother is. I have been pondering the definition of a mother; I certainly haven't experienced it! On the other hand, there are a number of "Dads" that have given the most awesome demonstration of what a Dad is, and what family is. It's ironic that these fantastic Dads are mostly unrelated biologically to their children.
The biologicals, on the other hand, usually defy belief. I'm still trying to comprehend how you father a child, know that the child is there and never ever make contact, or somehow communicate that you know of their existence?
It's been 7 months for me and the roller coaster continues, the ups and downs are not as pronounced, but they are still there.

Aug 31, 2017
History repeated
by: Anonymous

I understand the pain of being told a parent is not your bio parent. That happened to me at 9 years old when my bio incubator and step father were in a fight. My incubator told me right in front of him, mercilessly, just to hurt him. I was devasted. I was told another guy was my bio father. Long story short, he was not my bio father either and I went on a wild goose chase until I was 27 to finally find my bio father. Well, he's not a good person. The man who raised me, as far as I'm concerned, is my daddy. He's a wonderful man. I stopped speaking to my incubator when I had my first child. It's like a switch flipped and I realized how no good mother could ever be so devastating to her child if she truly loves them. Well I myself have found myself in the same predicament. My daughter is 14, her bio father was an absolute loser and put a gun to her head at 6 months. I had his rights severed and my husband, the man that has raised her all these years adopted her years ago. She's devasted, but we felt it was time she knew. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes, and even having gone through it myself, I find myself not sure what to do to help her besides the fact I told her the truth about everything and we all keep repeating how much we love her and that we are family. Will I have my own perception, family is created through friendship and love not bound by bonds of kindred blood, I know she doesn't see this at this time. To all of you hurting, family is what you make it and what you want it to be, not what DNA determines. That's just scientific data. I'm not saying forgive the lie, I'm saying be happy with what you have. Peace and happiness to you all!

Aug 31, 2017
I have been lied to about my biological Father 3 times and what I've recently learned is still to much for me to understand much less stomach
by: Zuly Garcia

First, I would like to thank each and every single person who has taken the time to share their stories on this forum. I am 38 years old and for years I have felt alone and isolated while dealing with the fact that i have been lied to my entire life about the identity of my biological father and how I was conceived.

My story is a very lengthy one that spans the course of 15 years + and unfortunately my mother has yet to muster uo the courage and strength of character to tell me who my biological father is.

But the reason why i felt compelled to write was because for a long long time the people closest to me (those who were privy to my situation) tried to convince me that my efforts to find the identity of my biological father was silly and a waste of my time. They made me believe that I was already an adult with children of my own and that this quest of mine was nonsense and a waste of my time and energy.

I always felt very lonely and isolated as I didn't feel that anyone could really understand my longing to find my father. For a long time I bottled up all my pain and confusion especially because I was lied to over and over again. Finally I decided to stop and confirmed to the fact that I had never met and will never meet my biological father and convinced myself that my feelings toward it were childish and stupid.

But as Soren Kierkegaard once said (every truth has its day), today I learned that my biological father is actually my mothers brother well i am 99.99 percent sure. I don't know how to handle this or how to confront it.

my mother has never told me who my father is. Correction, i grew up believing it was my stepdad, then she told me it was the man whose last name i carried and then she explained why she had to lie to me and told me my father was actually a professor of hers. I asked the professor for a DNA years after living with him and calling him Dad and the DNA came back negative.

Tonight, after a long conversation with a cousin of mine and putting facts together including the fact that my moms brother would sexually abuse her is my father. That would explain why my mom and family refuse to talk about my biological father and why they act as if they rather jump in front of a moving care before talking about it.

My mom is obviously trying to protect someone. At first I thought that the memory of my conception caused her to much pain but now I am certain that she is protecting someone.

i don't know what to do or if to even do anything at all. i've been programed to believe that my search will just hurt people and I don't want to hurt anyone.

is it worth it? I don't know. But I am glad that I found this site and that I now know that I am not wrong to feel confused and hurt.

P.S. It is very late and I did not proof read so I apologize in advance for my grammatical errors.

Aug 16, 2017
11 years ago, my mom's ex husband told me I am his.
by: Anonymous

Just before I turn 18, I had a chance to talk to my mom ex-husband. I dont know if they (mom and ex) plan it. At first I didnt believe it, I kept it for 10 years. I thought I erased it not ultil i had a fight with my cousin and told me he wasnt my relative. That's when it hit me. It made me depressed., Confused with everything and Im so desperate to talk to my Mom but I dont have the courage. Last year, I got married but i dont feel like im whole. I almost called off my marriage because i dont think im ever gonna be a whole person. Until now, i havent spoke to my mom re my real father, and it makes my heart too heavy.

Aug 15, 2017
Mom plays the victim
by: Anonymous

I am 59 years old and just find out that my father wasn't my biological father. He's been dead, by suicide, since I was 20. I went into the Army at age 17 to get away from my mother. I was raised an only child and almost never met my cousins. In fact, most I've never met and two of them that I did meet, it was just in the past year. The theme of my childhood was that any thing I did was fine as long as it didn't inconvenience my mother and especially if it made her look bad to her coworkers or others. I found out my mother had left my dad while I was away at summer school when I was 16. I always felt like I didn't belong. To satisfy this longing I started doing genealogy and tried to contact my cousins. To make a long story short, I just discovered that my father, who's been dead now for 39 years, wasn't my biological father. When I asked my mother, "Is there any chance that my father isn't my father?" She responded, "Not that I know of." She then started to play the victim. If she'd been honest I wouldn't be as furious as I am. She rekindled all those childhood feelings of feeling less important that how she feels. I won't accept her attempts to put any of this on me. I wrote her a letter in which I wrote, "This is not about you..." and ended it with, "You know who both your biological parents were I have the right to know the same." I took off of work because I just couldn't focus. Why couldn't I have just had a loving mother who for once thought of me more than herself and the consequences of her actions?

Aug 13, 2017
63 years until the truth slapped me in the face
by: Kat

A little over three years ago I did an Ancestry DNA test because I'm a major genealogy researcher and had hoped that it would connect me with more family members and we could collaborate on information. This year I did one with 23andme out of curiosity on medical issues. I knew who I was and wasn't seeking clarification of my parentage.

I noticed that I had matches for my mom's side of the family but nothing was coming up on my father. I blew it off as being inaccurate results on the behalf of Ancestry.

I had several people contact me and question our matches but I still blew it off. Until...I came up with a first cousin match that I couldn't identify and it really started to bother me. I had written to this girl several times and we both couldn't figure out the match but I thought perhaps she was adopted and was possibly linked to a family member that was keeping a secret so I didn't want to delve and cause problems. Again...I blew it off.

One of my other cousins started to question the results though and having taken genetics in college she said that a 1st cousin match could be a half-sibling so I started to explore more in depth. To make this long story shorter I make a fake tree on Ancestry and plugged this girls father in as mine and suddenly all of my matches started to make sense. I contacted her and told her my suspicion and she agreed to take another DNA test with me to determine if we were siblings. We are. There will never be any legal documentation to show who my true father is and after 35 years of research I'm having to start over to find my real identity.

I didn't think this new information was bothering me but the longer the time spans the more I'm realizing I am having a crisis with my identity and it is causing me to be depressed and anxious. Reading some of the other stories on this board may help me get through the quagmire of emotions and I'm hoping that some constructive methods of dealing with this situation begin to surface through interacting with others in similar circumstances. I wish us all well.

Jul 23, 2017
Nefarious in New Jersey
by: Anonymous

My mother told my step father I wasn't his when I was 8 and she was carrying my sister. She kept my biological dad's identity from me and forbade her family from giving me any information about him. It wasn't until 2014 that I was able to find him, in Chicago, on his death bed. At his funeral, I met his 85 year old mother, my brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins from his side. The coup de gras was during the same time I was connecting with my father's family, my mother told me my sister wasn't my step father's either. She swore me to secrecy and now my sister is turning 40 years old in November and doesn't know. I so want to tell her, however I don't know how it will be received coming from me because we aren't the closest and I've never been a "part" of "their" family.

Jul 17, 2017
where should i start?
by: Anonymous

Well i talked to my step dad to warn him i was going to talk to my mom and told him of the situation which he did not know anything about it either. I felt so much weight lifted off of my shoulders because he was so calm and reasurring, and he said he would take over and he is going to tell my mom today as i am typing this. He also said my brother has the right to know so he wants to get this done and over with so we can all start healing. I did tell him i would go with any story my mom makes up (unless it is over the top). Told him even though i don't have a mother/daughter realtionship i do not want this to be the end of it and he agrees. He is such an awesome human for taking this on and not just juding her and going off. I do wish i was a fly on the wall but i will have to accept what he says to her and how they handle it. my brother is my number one priority and whatever he does or decides of course i will be on his side.

Jul 12, 2017
where should I start?
by: Anonymous

Thank you for getting back to me. I am going to shoot you an email. thank you for guidance.

take care!!

Jul 12, 2017
by: Where should i start

I understand the gravity of this situation, as I have lived through it being in your brother's situation. You should tell him immediately as his trusted advisor. When the information is shared with him he will not separate anyone who knew and did not tell him. The disdain is deep and unforgivable. You can reach out to me personally at extkking@gmail.com. I am even willing to discuss this with you on the phone.


Jul 11, 2017
where should I start?
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for responding to my story. I appreciate you sharing with me. I thought the sentence what separates you from my mother if i do not tell him was profound. i feel it should come from me but my husband and a psychologist i talked to feel it should come from my mother but i know how she operates and she won't show him any remorse or any act of kindness. Somehow it will all be about her. He needs to know within the next two weeks since that is when he thinks the 23 and me will be done. Should i tell him who is father is? any advice on my real dad and telling him? This is going to devastate so many lives and there is no turning back. thanks again and if you could respond that would be amazing.
take care

Jul 07, 2017
Where should I start
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

What your brother does have is you, and that is a lot. A lot more than many of us had when we found out. If you try to put yourself in his position, you would want him to tell you. He probably has the intuition like most of us that something is out of place. Of all the ways to get blind sided and find out, I can tell you from experience I would much rather it be from someone that I thought cared enough to let me know. In the absence of anyone you care about telling you, when you do find out, and know that they knew. There is a disdain that never goes away. I can't believe some of my Uncles or male family friends let me live in utter confusion for 28 years before being blind sided by a letter from my Father I didn't even know existed. My point is that you care deeply about your brother. Go hiking, or do whatever it is that you do together. Tell him what you know and that you respect him enough to tell him the facts without the drama. Then also let him know you will help him figure it out together. If you don't do that, what separates you and the mother who lied about cancer and your brothers father. I actually had to tell my brother after I found out, so I am not just giving advice, I lived it.


Jun 27, 2017
where should I start?
by: Anonymous

A long time ago (34 years ago) i found a picture of me, my brother, and my dad's best friend. Just the three of us. I confronted my mom and asked if she had an affair and of course she said no. In the back of my mind i have always believed that my brother was not my full brother because I know my mom she is a compulsive liar (she told my dad that i had cancer when i was a kid which i did not after my dad got my medical records after they were divorced, so just a background of what type of person she is) Since facebook came around i have looked up the other people i believe would be his bio dad and family (they were a foursome and always hung out and lived upstairs from us) and the guy i believe to be his bio dad look so much alike and his kids. He never looked like my dad in anyway. So I found away to find out and did the 23 and me and i just got the results today. HE IS MY HALF BROTHER. I knew this was probably going to be the result but now i have so many emotions. I feel i should not be the one to tell my brother since he has never had any idea of this at all. My mom is now 68 and she know we did the dna test, she is probably waiting for one of us to confront her. Should i tell her i know and make her tell my brother or should i do it. I am scared my mom might hurt herself or even take her own life even though she created this mess. I am not sure if my real dad knows but i think he also had an idea. He (MY BROTHER) has the right to know i feel but i don't want to be the one to devastate him i think my mom should have to own up to it. She created this. How awful for my brother his whole life has been a lie and he has missed out on knowing his brothers and aunts uncles and everyone else. Any kind advice please. thank you

Jun 26, 2017
To: Known Him My Whole Life
by: SV

I ordered the Ancestry DNA kit about six months ago. Main reason I'm scared to send it in is I'm afraid of what might be revealed or confirmed. It's been sitting on my bedside table. Just can't bring myself to do it.

Jun 26, 2017
I've known him my whole life.
by: Anonymous

A week ago I recieved the results of my DNA kit from Ancestry. I was fascinated by the results.. there were so many things I didn't know I was.. and then I clicked on DNA matches and found that the man who raised me since day one was not my biological father. What was even more shocking was that the name given for my biological father was someone I have known my entire life. Now I want to point out that I did not have a bad childhood. My dad is wonderful and I have always been a daddy's girl. My heart breaks for him.... he didn't know. My mother swore she didn't think it was possible, but come on.... there is no way it didn't cross her mind at least once... I am a bunch of different feelings all at once and it is very overwhelming.. especially considering that days before this revelation I almost died due to a complication of a miscarriage. I lost a child, almost lost my life and then found that the man who raised me for 28 years doesn't share my blood.

Jun 21, 2017
To Similar
by: SV

I agree with Betrayed. I saw a quote the other day. "Things that happen to you are yours to tell. If people wanted you to speak warmly about them, they should have treated you better." The thing that's happened to you is yours. No one else gets to say how you "should" react or feel. You get to take care of yourself the way you see fit. Other people will have to work it out on their own. You will not feel better holding it in. I tried that for a while. It DID NOT work for me.

Jun 21, 2017
by: Betrayed

Does not sound like what you are currently doing is working. Chances are that your family already knows something is off. I would bet you are better off talking about it.

To say you are not yourself is an understatement. I have embraced the real me. Best thing I could have done for myself. You need to be more concerned for yourself. Your needs. Let your family work out their own needs.

Jun 17, 2017
Similar experience
by: Anonymous

I was 18 when my mum woke me up crying and told me that the father I knew, was not my biological father. I felt devastated, especially because I had a hard time living under the same roof of the father who raised me. I always felt like the black sheep of the family and could not relate to my parents. Growing up, I did not know what a true father really meant, he was very distant. Therefore, to realise that I went through all that pain with a person who is not related to me, simply because my mother did not want to face her mistake while I always had my biological father dying to give me paternal affection...it was too much to handle.

This was 10 years ago and since then I've been through therapy and looking for answers to my current situation. Nobody knows about my bio father apart from my mother and my grandma. The father who raised me doesn't know and my sister thinks we are full-blood related. The situation is not one set in the past but rather in my present. When I'm in my country I feel trapped, having to think about all the steps to measure when I meet my bio father and my whole secret family. I had to leave the country to cope with my mental state.

I met my father after I got to know when I was 18 and I realised that I was a carbon copy of him. He was the missing piece in my life. Now I cannot live and learn from him because he is a secret and if I tell about him to continue my life, there's a possibility that my family will be torn apart.

I do not know whether I should uncover it all and live my life in my country or live abroad to keep everything a secret...what would you do?

May 20, 2017
by: Betrayed

So nice to hear a story like this. Sounds like you are very blessed.

Congratulations. We all wish our stories mirrored yours. I absolutely do. It just isn't so for me. God Bless you. It does my my heart good to hear a story like this.

May 19, 2017
by: Sarah

I'm so glad I found this webpage... I'm 37 years old and just found out my dad isn't my biological father. Long story how that came about but talk about shock factor. I'm lucky because my dad is wonderful and my mother and he kept this secret. His family (my grandma, Aunts, etc. ) don't even know. I have two younger sisters that I guess now are technically half sisters. And although I love my family very much, I needed to know who my biological father was... So, trying to be extremely considerate of my dad's feelings, I asked my mom the name of my bio. father. Thus began my search which literally lasted no more than 24 hours! To my surprise I found a cousin who shared with me that I had a sister. So I gathered up my courage and reached out to my sister who admitted to always knowing of me but not how to contact me... That same day, my biological father had heard from my cousin that I contacted that I was looking for him. He never denied me, he said it was never a secret and even my cousins that I had never met or those family members that my "new" sister isn't close with knew about me. Although I was devastated with the initial news, I am so fortunate the ways things came together. This is all new (literally, this happened this week) so we are all adjusting but I am so thrilled to have another sister. I have spoken to my bio dad, my sister and a cousin on the phone and I'm planning a trip down south to meet them. I'm not quite ready to share the news with my 12 and 14 year old children but I feel that's inevitable. The relationship with my parents is great, I'm not mad and I am trying to imagine what I would have done in their place. So, stay positive. Not all stories out there are terrible. When life gives you lemons, grab the tequila and the salt!

May 01, 2017
DNA Discovery
by: Betrayed

The short answer is this;

Telling her is going to hurt her. It will hurt. Badly. She will be angry, hurt, and betrayed.

Not telling her will be infinitely worse. She lacks true understanding of who she is. Her lack of knowledge of her true self will impede everything. She is suffering everyday in ways that are impossible describe. Especially if she has kids.

If she lives to find out down the road it will be catastrophic. There will be rage that is unmeasurable.

You fell victim to one of the classic blunders—the most famous of which is, "Never get involved in a land war in Asia"—but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha…[thunk].

Best movie ever.

May 01, 2017
DNA discovery
by: Betrayed

Remember that it is your MOTHER that has put you in this situation. Not your sister. Your MOTHER neglected the situation. And by doing so neglected your sister. Your sister is the victim of neglect.

Don't forget that. And she has been a victim for as many years as she is old. So however unfair you might think it is that you find yourself, you are not the one that has been the victim of neglect for however many years it has been.

Again to be clear. YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM. Your sister is.

However difficult the situation is that you find yourself in, it pales in comparison to what her burden is.

So if you need to blame somebody, that blame would fall onto your MOTHER.

Many of these types of mothers sabotage their kids due to the guilt they rightly feel. Guilt of their neglect. As a way of rationalizing their behavior. It would not surprise me to learn that your sister has had a troubled life.

Many of us have had a troubled life. Unfairly. We have been betrayed in a very serious way. There is no rationalizing this disgusting betrayal.

Every day that passes that you do not tell her the truth is yet one more betrayal. How many betrayals does she deserve?

To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.

Best movie ever.

Apr 30, 2017
DNA Discovery
by: Anonymous

Is there really a choice here? You tell her because you love her.

Apr 30, 2017
DNA discovery
by: Anonymous

The word courage is derived from a Latin base meaning, "of the heart". I see the truth coming from the heart as clearly as the mind distracts. It will not be easy, but I see no other alternative, your sister deserves the truth. There will be repercussions in the family and you will fear the future, but truth rules. Regret is a heavy burden. Approach this with every ounce of compassion you can muster and never sacrifice what is in your heart. I wish you all love.

Apr 30, 2017
by: DNA Discovery

People on here have been harmed far more by having NOT BEEN TOLD THE TRUTH! For having been lied to. You are now at this point entering into the group that she WILL be angry with for NOT telling the truth. Because now YOU KNOW. And now YOU are lying to her by not TELLING her.

It is the LYING that causes the majority of the pain. The sooner she knows the TRUTH, the sooner she can put her life, her thoughts, and the MEANING of her experiences in the PROPER context. BY NOT TELLING HER YOU ARE ROBBING HER OF VALUABLE TIME. YOU ARE NOW THE FUCKING PROBLEM IF YOU DO NOT TELL HER. THIS IS THE BETRAYAL. AND YOU ARE THE ONE BETRAYING HER. AND IT WILL BECOME UNFORGIVABLE IF YOU DO NOT TELL HER.

Do yourself a favor. Do not rob your sister of precious time. Don't be a fucking idiot. You are robbing her of the ability to have proper interactions with people in general.

Would you not want to know that a significant other was a lying cheating piece of crap before you walked down the aisle? Would you not want to know the person you were investing in a business with was convicted of embezzlement? Would you want everybody to keep these things from YOU so that You were not injured from knowing the TRUTH? Are you fucking serious?

Consider this. Every day that you keep the truth from you sister is just going to multiply her hurt. Her anger. Her pain. Her betrayal.

I found out when I was 46 fucking years old. And I missed a lifetime of experiences. 46 years of misshaped understanding of who I really was. Who my family was. Actually knowing them. 46 years of making decisions based on a lie. It is absolutely disgusting. You think your sister is going to be hurt. You have no idea what is going to happen the longer you keep this from her.

You just found out. You can right that wrong and avoid the fury that she will very likely hold you accountable for. Regardless of who began the lie, you now know the truth. You are now responsible keeping it from her. Like it or not.

I appreciate the idea that you do not wish to harm your sister. But that is what you are going to do. Chances are that she understands that she has been lied to for a very long time. She just does not know WHAT the lie is. She spends her time mulling over the possibilities. Never knowing. She is probably waiting for somebody, anybody, to care enough about HER to tell HER what it is. What is it that everybody seems to know but won't say to HER. You are telling her that she does not matter. It is very cruel.

Unless you just don't give a shit about her. Unless you just don't care.
Unless you just don't fucking like her.
Unless you just don't think she deserves to know.
Unless you just enjoy inflicting cruelty on her.

Tell her the truth.

Your true love lives. And you marry another. True Love saved her in the Fire Swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that’s what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want, bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence. Boo. Boo. Rubbish. Filth. Slime. Muck. Boo. Boo. Boo.

Best movie ever.

Apr 29, 2017
DNA Discovery- Tell my Sister or Not?
by: SistersSecret

Hello- In searching for advice and psych research on this topic I found this site...I have through geneolgogy research in my family and using DNA accidentally discovered that one of my sisters is not our Dads biological child. I was/am floored by this discovery and struggled with decision to tell my sister or confront my Mother and get more info before making choice to tell my sister. My parents are both alive, my sister is in her forties with young children! I am so torn, I could NOT hold it in and bury it, so I told my Mother of this fact- dna of my sisters child and dna of my Dad (and comparisons to all of us as well) and my Mom eventually acknowledged she had always known it was a possibility. With some prodding and gentle discussion she confessed all to em and gave me his name- and the fact he is deceased. To say I am angry, fearful, concerned, and obsessed with this secret and knowledge is an understatement. I have thought of every possible reaction, emotion, fallout and repercussions for each family member connected to my family. My Mother wants it kept a secret but seems relieved to finally know for certain the truth and be able to talk to me about it. this secret would hurt and damage my sister beyond belief... for those here who have learned their Dad is not their bio Dad tell me... am I loving my sister and our parents by keeping tis secret of infidelity from them and of her true parentage? Should I tell my sister now, after my paretns are dead or never?

Apr 28, 2017
Who was He?
by: Kelly

Hello, after reading about what you went through, how you were told. It was like you were talking about me. I too didn't find out until I was 34 that my dad was not my biological dad.
It was a matter of fact kind of conversation over coffee. The name she gave I knew right a way was not who she said. As the last name she gave was Smith. Anyway, I found out that during the year before i was born she had a social worker and he had raped her and well than I was born. At that time it was a big secret, even to this day. I was in shock, but after hearing this, I wasn't surprised. As the dad I grew up with, we never got along and now I knew why. I promised I would not tell my siblings, but later found out that she tell my younger sister before me. I was pissed. It was in winnipeg manitoba 1960.
I am at a loss, as I still do not have answers, I don't know where to begin. I will be 57 in May, just want to put a face to who else am I. thanks for listening to my rambles
sincerely; Ms. Kelly Harvey

Apr 26, 2017
Just found out
by: Anonymous

38, only child,man that raised me passed 7 months ago.grew up well with all of the advantages .did not go through divorce or any other trumatic events in my childhood.just the occasional not getting along with my mother.Mother says there's a chance I might not be the man's that raised me. Never felt anything but connected to all of my family members.i even look like the man who raised me. The reason any of this came to light was because I wanted to take a heritage test to find out how much German I had in me. You know real innocent. I found out three days ago. I am shocked and cannot believe it's real.

Apr 25, 2017
by: Mj

Can't post lately-testing

Apr 25, 2017
by: Betrayed

I imagine that you are finding yourself in tears much of the time. I was. Tears, anger, and hurt.

I had to clear my schedule for a while. I became incapable of dealing responsibilities. I spent my first few months to a year in an emotional coma. Being able to relate to others about it has been helpful.

What a burden anger is. It is like an extra insult on top of the damage that is done in the first place. Like a reset button where you get to relive the feeling the assholes of our lives have impacted us. Like "Hey remember when I made you hate my f-ing guts? Remember what I did to you?"

I have resolved to remind those who have hurt me what losers they are at every opportunity to drive them out of my life. Then move on with my life.

I had to come to this idea over some time. My nature would never allow me to do this. But my life demanded it. My life does not stop because I have all these intense emotions that cripple me. My kids are growing up regardless. My family needs me. And my capacity for compassion and forgiveness is overdrawn.

It is truly unfair how you and so many of us have been treated. It hurts. Badly. But you can get through this. Sounds like your adopted Father is a decent person. You can always post here.

Best to you and your family

I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But for now, rest well and dream of large women.

Best movie ever.

Apr 25, 2017
New to this...
by: Confused

This is my first post. Three days ago, the man that I have known to be my father for the last 45 years told me that he in fact adopted me. He and my biological mother are divorced, and have been since I was eight. I have a poor relationship with my mother, and have for years because of the childhood she created for me. Immediately after my parents divorced, she moved us in with a man that was physically and verbally abusive. He was an alcoholic and a drug user. Open till then I have lived a very sheltered life, so I was immediately shellshocked. My step father was very abusive to me, not so much to my little brother. My mother knew how I felt, yet she chose to stay with him and keep us in a bad situation. Finally, at age 13, I decided to go live with my dad. He never asked any questions and excepted me back with open arms… All the while continuing to pay child support to my mother who wasn't even raising me any longer. I have harbored guilt my entire life for feeling as though I left my brother in a bad situation, but by that time I literally felt as though I was losing my mind and couldn't take the abuse any longer. If brought up in conversation, my mother conveniently has amnesia about the entire situation. I've resented my mom my entire life for it. When I was in my 30's, my step father managed to get himself clean and turn his life around, or so I am told. A few years following that, he was diagnosed with cancer and went downhill quickly. My mother always pressured me to go and see him, and I never understood why she would think I would want to see a man that caused me so much heart ache throughout my life. I resented her even more for it. She made hurtful comments towards me about him potentially being my biological father… And I remember thinking how crazy it was for her to say something like that to me knowing how much I hated him. As a mother myself, I can't imagine saying something to my children with the intent of harming them. Last year, my mom made additional comments which I shared to my dad. So now, my "father" that raised me from the day I was born tells me that he actually adopted me when I was six months old. He said that he is felt guilty about not telling me since the day that I told him my mom made those comments towards me. I think his desire was that I would never know, and frankly I think I've been better off that way. However, I don't blame him for telling me. In fact I feel bad for him. He said that my mom mentioned a man's name that was my father, but he has always suspected that it was really my stepdad. Apparently she had had an affair with him several times throughout her life. Asking my mother would be pointless, because she is a habitual liar.
So now, I am confused. Angry, and confused. I have so much hatred and anger towards my mother for her selfishness, and perhaps many would think that I should feel that way about my father as well. But, I can understand from my dad's perspective why he truly feels as though he is my father and his treated me as his daughter my entire life. I don't know if ashamed is the right word, but i'm hesitant to tell people because I don't want them to look at me differently. I don't want my half brother to know for fear that he will not see me as a sister any longer. I don't want my children to know, because I'm afraid they wI'll feel like their grandfather isn't there grandpa anymore. I know that sounds crazy… I just have a different feeling about it every 20 seconds. My father that raised me is my father. He is the man that made me who I am today, not my mother and not my piece of shit stepfather/biological father (if in fact he is). I actually feel closer to my father now then before I knew the truth because he loved me and provided for me when the two people that should have didn't. All that said, I need to know for my own peace of mind if I am carrying that man's DNA. Not only from a medical history standpoint, but in order to come to terms with my childhood. Are used to in some small way give him a pass for being abusive and makng our lives hell because I figured we were his stepchildren, and he must not care about us that much. But if he was in fact my biological father, and he and my mother thought that it was OK to treat your child like that it makes me hate both of them even more (If that's even possible). I also feel that this information should have been shared with me before he died, because now I will never have any closure with him. I feel like my entire life was a sham, like the people I was closest with didn't really know me, and I feel lost. I feel as though I don't even know who I am anymore. A huge part of me has learned over the years that hanging onto hatred and anger only hurts me, not the other party. So, I am trying my best to simply find a way to process this information and come out of this knowing that even if he is my biological father that I have broken the cycle. One minute I think I can handle it, and the next I feel like I'm floating through space or having an out of body experience. My husband has been so extremely supportive, but I feel like it's all I can think about to the point where I'm obsessing about it. I don't want to put this burden on him. I haven't confronted my mother with the fact that I know this information, and I'm not even sure how to go about it. Part of me wants nothing to do with her ever again, but then I am afraid when she dies I will feel guilt over not being there for her because she is my mother. In short, my world has been turned upside down and I don't know how to make it right again...thanks for listening.

Apr 25, 2017
No Family
by: Anonymous

This website is a fantastic place to read about other's with similar stories as yourself. These stories have helped me heal in ways I can not say. It is so true that people who have not gone through this lie in their life, have no clue about what you are feeling, betrayed, destroyed and alone. This is how my immediate family responded once I told them that I could no longer be have my mother in my life. They told me to forgive her....little do they understand that to forgive is what I have done, but forgiveness does not mean that she must be in my life. So, my mother and sibling who I was raised with are no longer in my life (mother - my choice) siblings - theirs....they chose to remain by my mother's side and lies. It is also depressing when once you find out who your bio-father is, he is deceased. That alone is devastating to the soul, because I feel like I lost my "being". I will never know who he was, or feel his hug. When I met my 1/2 sister, she told me that my father told her that "he was a bad father because he has a daughter, and the last time he saw me I was 8 mths old, and than I disappeared and he never saw me again". Those words haunt me. I cried when she told me this. She was driving him to his cancer treatments, and she did not elaborate anymore about this statement with him... I also do not have a relationship with her or my 3 other 1/2 siblings....not that I haven't tried, they just don't want one. So, with this, it has taken me 5 yrs to go through the healing process, and get to this point, I am 53 years old. It is not easy, I still feel like I have no family (other than my own, husband and 2 children), but you find that you can move forward with life. I pray a lot for healing.

Apr 24, 2017
To: Catherine
by: ST

I think it should be moved over. Keep the same context all together.

Apr 24, 2017
Should I move this posting?
by: Catherine

Judi started a new post, https://www.life-with-confidence.com/dna-disaster.html, about not knowing how to deal with accidentally discovering the truth about who her father was and feeling terribly confused and pained by the entire situation and needing advice. Should I move it over to this page to keep everything all together or should I leave it where it is? Thanks!!


Apr 18, 2017
by: Betrayed

I feel your rage. Probably, nearly, everybody here feels your rage. Hopefully that helps a little.

For me, all my memories, the good and the bad, lost all meaning. Sure they still have meaning. None of what they meant to me at the time.

So many people do not understand this. Most do not get what the big deal is. You lost a life. Many lives actually. To them it is no big deal.

To those people I reply that perhaps they are no big deal to me. At that point, they have to reassess what their understanding of our relationship is.

To them that is just one relationship. To us, our whole lives have been scrambled. It is so easy for them to dismiss such earth shattering events.

You need to prepare yourself. Because these things hurt badly. And they will come up if you share with anybody your story.

"Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

Best movie ever.

Apr 12, 2017
Just found out at 51 and now I'm 53
by: Anonymous

Just stumbled upon this after doing a Google search....My mother will not tell me anything about the father and it really steams me because she's 82 years old I mean come on....what do you have to lose at this point...My story is long and yes I'm very angry because I had a crappy childhood...my parents were selfish and divorced shortly after my father (not my biological) supposidly adopted me from this bio dad...Still don't know all of these details as both of my so called parents like to play the demential card when it's good for them lol....There is a lot to the story but it's too long to go on and on...all I know is my dad threw out the last name Cutler as what he remembered and this was in philadelphia in 1963....Nice to know I'm not alone!!

Apr 12, 2017
To: Pissed Off
by: SV

You have every right to be angry; no question about it. But if you stay stuck in your anger, you're only hurting yourself. Be angry, be sad, be withdrawn, whatever you need to do, but always do it with an eye towards moving forward. My experience is that it comes in VERY small doses, but it does come if you are intentional about moving forward, however slowly that might be. I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. Peace to you--keep yourself moving forward however that works for you. You deserve to feel happy again. You will get there.

Apr 11, 2017
Pissed off
by: Anonymous

Im 30 years old. Last year my mother, who i choose to ignore because she abandoned me multiple times in my lifetime, told me that my dad is not my real dad. They had a threesome (gross) with his best friend. I contacted him as my mother was being cryptic and not giving me any straight answers, and we did a paternity test. This other guy is my bio dad. Both he and my father deny knowing this information. Now in kust constantly angry all the time. ALL THE TIME. I push everyone away. I dont like to be around anyone. Im just so pissed off. I keep thinking about this other life i could have had. Hus other kids have perfect teeth and degrees and an amazing supporti e family while i got the shit end of the stick and for what? So their super religioys parents wouldnt find out. Because they were all cowards. Why would they rob me of a better life. Why did they put themsrlves first. I dont kniw how you geg past something like this...

Apr 08, 2017
not fitting in and knowning i was different
by: Anonymous

hi everyone
me too have to live with the pain of not knowing my father and it hurts. im angry at my mother haven't spoken to for past 5yrs.

the father who raised me didnt know either if was only on his death bed she told me. i was 41yrs old i had grown up with brothers and sister but always knew i didnt belong and always said it as well. my mothers excuse was if the father who raised me would of kill her if he knew i somehow don't believe that to be the case. another thing she made me attend his funeral when i was 28yrs old believing it was for the sake of me godfather who was his twin brother. by that time i had three children who miss out on a grandfathers love.

anyway i found i had a half brother who was a only child he was over the moon to know me even know there was 12yrs older than him but we lived in different states. my brothers mother has also been in contact. she was over the moon she had her husbands daughter to meet we get on like house on fire and she is so happy to have grand children that worships her she often says if she had known about me she would of tried to see me but my mother made my father promise to not tell anyone.

when told my brother and sister about it my mother said it wasnt true but they havent contact me since so my family miss out on my daughter wedding but my step brother and his mother and uncles aunts also came to the wedding so proud i felt like i found that missing piece of my life but it upsets me my father never got to see his grandchildren and i never got to speak with him and have the chance of knowing him. it a sad world out there but i have the love from my brother and his mother as well and lots of aunties and uncles and cousins yet to meet. im now coming up to 55yrs in few weeks and now know where i belong

Apr 07, 2017
Keep on keepin' on, Nuclear Blast
by: Anonymous

I've learned, and continue to learn so much from everyone who shares here. That learning has been a big part of figuring out how to frame this 'shock to the psyche' that is finding out that your father is not your bio father, so that I don't get stuck or lost in anger or grief.

People who have received the truth about their bio father from a mom who understood the importance of willingly 'giving' the information to their child/adult child don't tend to experience the depth of anger that the folks do, where a lie was substituted as truth. The folks who are deliberately, responsibly informed by mom about bio father are not as likely to need to 'commune' with others as much. Our life was 'orchestrated', in a way, mostly for the purpose of our mother's avoiding the difficulty of 'truth'.

I think I spent too long consumed in sense of betrayal and anger. I regret that. But, i was doing the best I could. Once I truly understood and accepted that the lie was my mother's accountability, and that there were no 'valid' excuse(s) for the lie, a huge weight of anger/grief lifted. For the record, as I've mentioned in other comments: Rape has different considerations. But, the vast majority of us were not conceived in a criminal act of rape.

I've made more progress since understanding that it's critical to hold the person/people who lied accountable. And, its not even impossible to repair or rebuild a relationship with a mother/or other significant other(s) who chose to be complicit in the lie. But, it IS impossible to have an authentically healthy relationship with mom or others who lied, IF they are not willing to genuinely, and in heartfelt spirit, accept the accountability for lying - acknowledging/empathizing, 'some' depth of understanding about the devastation the lie levied on their child's/adult child's life.

You have a kind, strong heart, NB. It's evident in your writing. Those strengths will keep you rolling forward and focused on healthy momentum. Keep sharing what you're learning. It's wisdom on tap. It helps us all. Thank you for that!

Apr 06, 2017
To Anonymous
by: Nuclear Blast

Thank you for your post to ND... it really helped me too!

Apr 05, 2017
For Numb and Dazed
by: Anonymous

My heart goes out to you, N&D. I empathize with the, mostly, indescribable cascade of emotions you are feeling -and, likely, feeling all at once. It just sucks, daily, for a long while, for most.

It is a beyond difficult journey, but, there is profound wisdom and peace you will gain as you make your way. Have faith in your ability to get through it and come out on the other side -even stronger than you already are because of the journey/the struggle.

I'm almost 2 years into this process. I found out that my father is not my bio father in a less typical way. The way I found out is still an uphill struggle because it complicates my present in ways that are bizarre.

I am female, mid 50's... lol. not "buddy" or a "therapist trolling for clients", *sigh as I was recently referred to by a poster. I'm a wife, and mother of grown children. I have education in counseling therapies, and am an addictions advocate trained in an evidence based addiction treatment approach. I've had a passion for mental health for a long time. My family of origin was chaotic, but parents communicated 'normal family' out to the public. This is typical -hiding secrets- in a dysfunctional family. So, it's no wonder that I developed an interest in psychology/family systems theory, etc.

This situation (the basis being 'paternity fraud'. Important to accept that truth in order to move forward in a solutions-based energy) is more common than most people give thought to...Until it happens to them.

What prompts people to share on sites, like this, is the shared feelings of having been lied to carelessly and selfishly by the very person or people we should have been able to trust 'the most'. When confronted, the mother will often make excuses for her choice to lie, which equates to systematic reinjury for the child/adult child.

Many of these mothers will outright deny, or lie 'more' when confronted, or, all together, refuse to discuss with their son/daughter information about their bio father, or try to redirect with th old, how dare you be upset with me, 'feel sorry for me', "this has been so much harder for me, as your mom, than you realize"...crap like that.

But emotionally healthy mothers who put their child's well being first, will transfer the birth origin information to their child at the time they deem appropriate in the child's growth. They dont burden the child/adult child with reasons for their sexual intimacy choices. They don't feel compelled to justify their choices or wallow in it. They just lovingly/compassionately pass the information when they feel their kid is ready for it. People conceive. That's biology. It's not judgment. But, it's valid to judge a person for willfully lying about birth origin.

I know a couple of people, since beginning this journey, who are also the product of their mother’s affair with a man she was not partnered/married to. But, the difference...these folks were told at an appropriate time in their psychological/emotional development how they came to be, who their bio dad was/is.

These mothers chose to be forthcoming to them at an appropriate age, giving them all the information they had re the bio dad so that they could begin to decide for themselves if they wanted to engage some kind of meeting/relationship. THAT sharing of the truth made all the difference in their journey. And, both, still, maintain a caring, loving relationship with their mom's. The difference is TRUTH.

Truth: being genuine, heartfelt, caring about how critical information like birth origin impacts the trajectory of others’ lives, especially children's lives. Truth has a way of bonding folks, in spite of, and despite all our human flaws. When truth is the basis of a relationship, there's really no hardship that can break the bond.

It was still hard as hell for them to process the information about their bio dads. But, the point is, the mother understood she had an ethical obligation. These moms knew, early on, how critical it was for them to pass that information to the rightful owner -their child. They regarded their child's well being as priority.

What i notice is the difference (and it's a BIG difference) between those who were given the information about their birth origin by their mother or other dedicated, invested parent figure, at an appropriate age, is that they got to detour around the miles of the journey of anger and sense of betrayal that I,( and others who share their stories of having been systematically lied to about their bio fathers), have trudged through.

Anger is a big player. It’s taken a while, but anger has morphed into a kind of acceptance. I’ve pursued support and help pretty relentlessly. And, I'd guess because of that, I don’t have many really bad days anymore.

Almost always when the lie has been perpetuated over time and for decades, what becomes evident is that the family system, itself, had/has a high degree of dysfunction that echoes between the family members of that original family system. Ultimately, it is not uncommon that the mother, who made the decision to perpetuate the birth origin lie struggles with a mood or personality disorder.

That makes sense. When a person is healthy, has adequate or better coping skills they 'tend' to lead with 'truth', innately. When they struggle with emotional problems, it's more likely for a person to use lying as a maladaptive (and, sometimes manipulative) coping mechanism.

N&D, supportive family and/or friend(s) who can roll with you, right where you are on any given day as you work your way through, are critical. I wish you good supporters.

My husband, as well as my children have been amazingly supportive in this journey.

I have just under 20 posts here, beginning in 2015. It has helped me along to be able to share here, as well as other forums. This has been a solid site. The moderator has included multiple resource features in the navigation bar that include professional therapy resources and info on personal coaching, and publications. ALL are a positive focus of your energy and your journey.

There will be days when you just feel "stuck". If you find that you're too stuck for too long, then, that's an indication that it's time to add to/or try another kind of support/help. If that's therapy, or 'whatever'...as long as it's healthy, don't hesitate to try it. Don't allow others to talk you out of seeking sources for help...as long as it's healthy. Therapy with a qualified therapist, statistically, helps 'most' people to some degree.

Therapy has helped me more than anything else has. That, and my supportive husband, children, friends. Therapy with a qualified therapist, statistically, helps 'most' people to some degree. I have distanced from family of origin family members. I made that decision though painstakingly careful consideration. I experience much better momentum re emotional health since making that decision. But, my extended familial situation is still very, very complicated.

All our stories are complicated and really burdensome, a lot of the time. But, I'm at a point where I know I would not trade a single mile in this journey. I know more about the who that I am because of it. But not because I found out that my dna is not organized the way I had been led to believe for five decades. But, because I'm learning the depth of my coping skills and how friggin' strong I am in the face of really bizarre life situations. Mixed in with the, still, intense struggle- due to the associated emotional shock of ‘dad is not dad’ exists loads of joy about my life, and a hard-fought-for sense of peaceful acceptance that: my mother had issues that don’t have anything to do with ‘me’. She’s accountable for her choice to lie about my bio father, whether she took on that accountability, or not.

My children, my husband tell me often how much they have learned by watching me struggle through this, coming out on the other side stronger...forged through fire. I'm still making my way.

ND. I have faith that you will gain from this. Just keep doing 'the next thing' that will keep you focused on positive momentum, gratitude for the people in your life that love unconditionally and demonstrate healthy support as you move this mountain up a mountain.

Final note: I'm doing DNA testing. There are folks who have posted on this site who have mentioned the potential benefits of finding matches. It's an adventure. I mean 'life' is, at its core, an adventure, right? So, what the hell? I'm gonna roll the dice and see if I can connect with any family out there. :-)

Wishing you, and others sharing the journey, peace and growing sense of 'can get through this'. Safe travels. Be happy and well.

Apr 04, 2017
To Numb and Dazed
by: SV

I'm so, so sorry. It's a gut punch, I know. Just know that you won't feel quite so numb and dazed as time goes on, but you are changed forever. New questions will pop into your head as you try to dig out of the daze. You will take steps backwards some days.....that's okay. Give yourself time, make yourself a priority. Don't do things other people think you "should" do. Take care of you and your mental well being. It will get better. I don't know how much. Two years in, I'm better than I was on day one, but still have rough days. Take care---if it helps, you can see there are a lot of us out here.

Apr 04, 2017
To Numb and Dazed
by: Nuclear Blast

Hi Numb and Dazed,

Welcome to the Exclusive Club! It takes a mind blowing, heart wrenching and staggering betrayal to become a member. (My story is further down the feed, I can relate to the genetic question.)

We're all here for you. We're all muddling our way through this experience in our own way.We have all been shaken to the core of our being, a place where we didn't even know existed.

Things I have learnt so far, and I'm a whole two months ahead of you - that's a warped joke by the way...

1 - this is not your fault, you as an individual are not to blame at all, this sits entirely on the shoulders of the adults that were in your life
2 - you are going to go through stages where it's fine and you think you're ok and then the most random thing will bring you to your knees at the worst possible moment
3 - one of our club members said to me I'm grieving, and they were completely right, it's like going through a very strange death
4 - you're going to freak out at the implications of everything from your personal health to your own arm. (The latter being my experience when I realised what I thought I had inherited from my Dad wasn't true.)
5 - again from a club member, get some sort of exercise going, running, walking etc. you need to get the tension out of your body in a healthy way
6 - find someone to talk to other than your partner or kids, they have their own stuff to deal with
7 - don't do anything rash, your feelings are going to go everywhere so making permanent decisions might seem right now but you may regret them in the next while
8 - the Exclusive Club Members on this page are fantastic, they share their stories and their advice, feel free to do the same, something you are going through can help someone else... Someone wrote of the Six Foot Elf, and that just saved me that day

And last but most important, and I make this statement on behalf of all of us, you are a wonderful human being, and you are accepted here!

Take care of yourself.

Apr 04, 2017
To Betrayed
by: Nuclear Blast

Hi Betrayed!
I can completely relate to where you are at.

I have taken a somewhat different approach, I've decided that I shall now embody what I believe my last name should be. I've been redefining it's value, morals, ethics etc. If I hack the family off in the process, well that's their problem isn't it.

I shall soar high above them, I was never one of them, so now I can do with the surname whatever I like! So, I'll be what they could never ever hope to be, I'm the black sheep and hell I'm going to own it!

A few weeks ago I went out and got a really cool tattoo on my forearm. Shock and horror, doesn't fit the profile of my former family, and it doesn't fit the profile of those who do / may gossip about me. So what... my life, my rules, my surname.

They are going to talk about you anyway, so why be vanilla? No one ever remembers vanilla... be a Rainbow Unicorn that tastes incredible that no one will ever forget. I can truly say that I do not give a continental about what anyone has to say about me. It is merely their projection, and good luck to them saying they know me, because let's be honest none of us really know ourselves anymore!

You have a beautiful blank canvas to draw whatever you want for the rest of your life.

Be brave.

Apr 04, 2017
Numb and Dazed
by: Anonymous

I am numb and dazed at just having found out this past weekend (in my mid-50s) that my biological father is someone other than the man I was led to believe was my father. My mother was married with 7 children. All except the youngest have the same last name. My mother remarried and conceived my youngest sister, the 7th child.

My mom's first husband was represented as being the father of the first six children. They divorced, and a "friend" and nice man was around a lot. Well I just learned this nice man who spent a lot of time with me, was actually my father.

He is now deceased, as well as my mother, and the man that I thought was my father. I am reeling with questions, doubts, what ifs, what does this mean, and where do I go from here. My last remaining relative who knew of this information has asked me to keep it "burried." I will not do that. My siblings (whom I love dearly) have a right to know, and my adult daughter has a right to know.

I have an appointment with my doctor this week to modify my medical history, although there is so much about my genetics that I'm unaware of at this point.

Also, in this same conversation, I learned that the "injury" I had when I was three years old was actually Tuberculosis! I've been telling the story of how my sister injured me when we were kids all my life, only to now learn that that was a "cover up" so that no one knew that there was a very ill and contagious child in the family, that was put into a tuberculosis Sanitarium with other people with TB. Any comments will help! I'm shaken at my very core!

Numb and dazed

Apr 04, 2017
To: Betrayed
by: S.T.

I completely understand the way you feel about your name.

I have had some of the same feelings with my name. My name was easy to make fun as a kid, but I was so proud of my last name. My last name has been in movies and a beer company has my last name.

I don't want to change it, but I know there is a part of me who does not truly deserve to have this last name.

Apr 04, 2017
Name Change
by: Betrayed

So I keep looking at my name on everything. The name that is not my name. Though it is. I have spent my life building it. Making something of myself.

It is a name that is easy to make fun of on a playground. I had to overcome those things in my youth. I have carried it with dignity while suffering the childish insults. And I have taught my kids to do the same.

I think I have done well with this. People hear my name and know exactly who I am and what I am about. I have a presence. They know me.

I am proud of what I have done with myself. But when I see my name, I feel divorced from it. It's not mine anymore. Like I am a fraud for using it. As if the name does not belong to me.

And so here is another big issue that the adults of my life should have dealt with. But didn't. And now I have to be the grown up. I have to confront yet another thing. It is like parenting yourself. Over and over again.

And of course it is not just a one time thing. If I change the name, I have to explain it.

Which brings up gossip. As if there was not enough for people to gossip about. The people in the community love this stuff. When you are the big gossipy story, nobody talks to you like a person. They talk to you to get the scoop. Nobody cares what you are going through. What you are dealing with.

The person that put me through all of this has no concept of the damage. The alienation.

Seems like changing the name would be a way to take control of some aspect of the situation. I do feel more aligned with the man that was my father. I am more like him than every other person I am related to.

Anybody else considered a name change?

Apr 02, 2017
Nuclear Blast
by: Betrayed

This will get better. But you have to move forward regardless. The world will not stop for you while you grieve your losses. Exercise helps. Physical motion. It allows you to do something with yourself. And it doesn't hurt. Don't overthink it. Walking or running are perfect. Bike riding. They allow your mind to wander.

You can easily allow yourself to be overtaken with negativity right now. Some activity like this builds you up. Join a club. Whatever. But be active. Do something.

"What! He is still alive! Inconceivable!"

Best movie ever.

Hope this helps.

Mar 31, 2017
To SV and Betrayed
by: Nuclear Blast

Thank you both for your feedback and comments!

It really does seem like one day you have everything under control and you feel like life is moving forward... then suddenly you get whacked out of field again, from nowhere.

It is the strangest thing - and hardest thing to deal with.

Mar 31, 2017
To: Nuclear Blast
by: SV

After almost two years, I can tell you that some days are good and some days are not so good. At first, I was impatient with myself because I thought the "not so good" days would go away eventually. So far, they have not. I've had to learn to be patient with myself. Some days, I just have to be sad and struggle. Other days, it's all good. Be patient with yourself. Forgive yourself for the days when you struggle; push through those days. I wish you the best. It's not an easy journey--at all.

Mar 30, 2017
Nuclear Blast
by: Betrayed

You are absolutely welcome. It sounds like a tricky situation with your mother. I wish I could tell you what to do. But I do not believe there are right and wrong answers in dealing with this stuff. There is right or wrong for you.

I gave my mother the benefit of the doubt for many decades of some very atrocious behavior. Now after the revelation, it is clear what a mistake that was. If she were living with me at the time, it may have been more difficult to cut her out of our lives. But it probably still would have happened.

I would look at what your personal capacity for dealing with her is. If her time is near an end and you want to spend as much time with her as possible, you may need to find ways to give yourself time away from her. Daily, weekly, monthly. Create time and space for yourself. If it were me, I would not share what I was doing at that time with her. And do whatever. It is your time to do anything else away from the situation.

It doesn't sound like she is taking responsibility for her actions. Not surprising. You are going to need some type of game plan dealing with this. You are going to need a sounding board. Somebody to bounce what is going on, off of. You have to talk it out somewhere. Friend or professional. Whatever works for you. Spouses are not always the best. But if they are dealing with her in their house, they are going to need their own somebody to talk to. And then you have be able to vent as a couple.

This has the potential to destroy a relationship. It doesn't have to. But it is possible. If you really need your partner, take necessary precautions. Be proactive. My situation left me emotionally crippled. But I was very open about that fact. I have to constantly verbally communicate with my wife about where I am with everything. It is a lot to ask from her. And I do my best to make it up to her in every way I can. I am probably not always the husband she deserves.

As I have mentioned in previous posts. I am broken. The old me is dead. I am no longer the person I was. There are pieces that remain, but I am a very different person than who I was. It is not all bad. This has allowed me to shed a lot of unnecessary baggage. And I am much better for it.

Give yourself this gift.

"Look who knows so much? As it turns out... your friend is only mostly dead."

Best movie ever.

Hope this helps.

Mar 30, 2017
Clearing the Deck
by: Brad

Off Topic

Mar 30, 2017
To Betrayed
by: Nuclear Blast

Thanks, really appreciated.

Mar 29, 2017
Supportive and Helpful
by: Betrayed

Thank you Catherine. Very well put. We all process differently. No one person has a monopoly on compassion.

To Nuclear Blast;

When I was where you are right now, I was a total wreck. I sent my wife and family to spend the holidays with her family a couple of states away. I reached out to my sister of my father's first family on facebook.

I was lucky. To my surprise, she was accepted me immediately. Like the very first response. I could not believe it. I swear it was like we knew each other our entire lives. We finished each other's sentences. We found the same meaning in stories. Plus... and this is hilarious.... we both love "The Princess Bride". I know stupid right? Like that matters. But to me it did matter. It mattered that we both found such deep meaning in each other. And it helped. A lot.

The old me was dead. And the new me was mourning. The new me had to mourn the old dead me, and the me that never was. The me that could have known these wonderful people that are my family. The family I never knew. And the man that was my father. I believe on some level I have been searching for them my whole life. It is very sad. And wonderful. And it hurts. But our love for each other is real.

So that is where you are. You are mourning. And you need to do that. And remember.... "Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a little while".

Best movie ever.

Hope this helps.

Mar 29, 2017
by: Nuclear Blast

I've read the past few comments, I'd like to get back to the reason for this "page". I'm seriously in a rough place today.

It's my late Dad's birthday, it also happens to be the anniversary of his death. I'm two months into this whole new revelation and today just sucks, on so many levels.

I found out last week that the gent who fathered me has passed away. I don't know when, but that option is now closed to me. I have someone working on the genealogy as I'm of the understanding that their are half siblings. Should hear more about that tomorrow.When I do hear I have no idea what I'm going to do, but hey, it's a step, right?

I still have no idea what to do about my mother, I'm an only child and she is heading for 82. Currently I can't even look at her... but I feel like I need to do something otherwise she may pass and I'm left with all this cr*p.

It's like this huge grey mass,this dead energy that I can't move, I can't go around it, I can't forget it. But I also don't want to be left with it when she decides to pop her clogs! I feel like I'm up against the clock and I can't process anything.

I've done well to date, well I think I have. I'm just chewing through everything piece by piece.

It's just a tough day.

Mar 29, 2017
Supportive Comments
by: Catherine

Just a reminder that this is a place of healing and safety for everyone dealing with this heartbreakingly painful issue. We're all on the same side here and we're all trying to figure this out together.

With the goal of being supportive and helpful, we need to be respectful of everyone's opinion and suggestions, even if we might not agree with them.

It's so valuable to have somewhere where you feel safe and secure enough to be able to freely discuss your thoughts, your feelings, and your ideas so we all can continue on our journey of healing.

In order to keep this a place of peace and healing, I'm going to be deleting any future posts which come across as aggressive and attacking of others. This is not the place for that.

So, please before you post, remind yourself of the intent of this space and only post comments which you think others will find supportive or helpful.

Thank You!


Mar 29, 2017
For Betrayed
by: Anonymous

Off Topic

Mar 29, 2017
Focus on positive
by: Anonymous

Off Topic

Mar 28, 2017
Validating Therapy
by: Betrayed

Off topic.

Mar 28, 2017
Unique, human...That's us
by: Anonymous

People are human. Cars/car parts are objects. I have utilized therapy in my own journey through betrayal and loss regarding my birth origin. Therapy has been very beneficial, for me. In addition, I know others who have had the experience of being lied to about their biological father. The consensus is that even brief therapy helped -A lot, for some. Statistically, engaging in a therapy session is not likely to cause you a nuclear spiral. (Yes. That was sarcasm ;-)

The goal is to engage a counselor that is good match for your personality. The more you understand about yourself, and the way you work through problems,(we all have a unique coping mechanism) the better effective you will be in selecting a good match.

So, stay aware/tuned in. Don't allow others to discourage you from trying therapy, or anything else that you believe might be of support, as you are making your way. We find solutions, we arrive at peace by 'trying something’ until we find what works for our unique coping make up.

When people express oppositional/negative views about something as benign as a heartfelt, simple suggestion/encouragement that regards problem solving in life, consider that there's something 'else' driving that view point.

It's a good thing -advocating for self. But, if you have a hang up about therapy. Again, then just avoid it. Hopefully, the hang up is based on actually having tried it, at least once. And, the rejection of the idea is not just motivated by arbitrarily deciding that it’s a worthless investment for others.

Any tool/resource that offers a chance to provide insight/problem solving about 'your' journey -and where to lead with it- is a positive. This site is/has been a really positive tool/resource that can be shared in common spirit of support. It acts as a sounding board -one that I'm grateful for. I'm much further along than I would have been, I believe. Because I was 'trying' ANYTHING to help me with the pain of this betrayal. Because I stumbled into this place one, very low day, I find the last couple of years has been made a little easier. I've made a number of decisions about my life, going forward, because of the stories/heart shared here. I've gotten some much needed clarity in what is a beyond crazy situation that many of us find ourselves in... BECAUSE someone we trusted made the decision to lie in the biggest way possible.

If I had not been trying to engage 'something' in effort to advocate for myself, I would not have benefit of the energy here. For me: Therapy, this site, the journey of others in a similar challenge, helping my immediate family understand how they can better support me, reading tons of literature on this subject, crying -a lot, reliving the shock -over and over again, feeling confused and depressed and lost–a lot, the passing of time…And, ultimately, coming to truly understand and accept that I am responsible for my own happiness. That’s been the sources for any momentum I am experiencing. I will be on this journey until the day I die. I’m finally at a point where I have a knowing that I wouldn’t change ‘anything’ about how I came to be and the who that I am.. I can’t control other people’s decision-making. But, I refuse to be a victim.
All this brought full circle to just encourage: Try 'everything' you can -that is healthy- until something works to help provide you with a sense of momentum toward peace. It will happen if you keep trying. While you’re trying… be aware of folks who bring with them negative, critical, cynical energies. As best you can, stay clear of that stuff. You deserve to journey without the drag of doubting, negative, nay-saying, scapegoating energies. Godspeed

Mar 28, 2017
Dear Betrayal of Spirit
by: Anonymous

Remember this, repeat it in front of the mirror, hang a sticky note on your car visor. "You Are Not Crazy!"! Your mom is,! Love is not suppose to betray and hurt, and lie, and deceive, and then think it's ok to call you as the crazy one. Be the person you needed when you were young!

Love from....... I am not crazy either, my moms a nut case crazy fruit cake too.

Mar 27, 2017
Therapy may be positive/ therapy might not be positive
by: Anonymous

Therapy is like getting your car fixed. If you find a decent mechanic it is no problem. Some mechanics can't handle much more than a brake job or an oil change. Some are really good at transmissions, but couldn't time an engine to save their lives. Experience is relevant. And therapy is expensive and not always worth your time and effort. If you need help then seek it. If your engine is blown up, don't take it to a tire guy.

Mar 26, 2017
Therapy Is a Positive Choice
by: Anonymous

One more thing to add to my post today, the 26th:

Seeking support from a vetted, qualified therapist -preferably one with experience in counseling people experiencing this kind of life challenge- is a positive, productive choice if that is an avenue you would consider pursuing. If it's not, that's okay, too.

People seek the help of therapists/clinicians, often, for a variety of life challenges. The ability of the therapist to support a client/patient effectively and to facilitate momentum in working through your experience toward resolution/acceptance -that regards having been lied to by family about your biological father- does not require the therapist to have personally experienced the same.

A therapist does not have to feel 'everything' you feel in order to be effective in helping you discover and strengthen your innate coping mechanism. In fact, they are probably going to prove better advocates on your behalf if they don't have the experience of having been lied to about their biological father. Empathy, experience, and clinical skill set, on the other hand, IS a requirement. Imagine if we held the standard that therapists must have/have had the same/similar life challenge of their patient/client in order to practice a therapeutic approach. It just not a logical standard.

Therapeutic counseling can be a tool, another resource to consider. If it's not for you, it's not for you. But, I would encourage considering it, at a minimum, if you find yourself stalled for an extended period of time, with limited sense of self efficacy/lacking the a sense of "I can get through this". Sometimes we need the support of a good therapist to help us break through our stall.

So, don't hesitate to seek help from a qualified clinician. Best wishes for increasing peace and good health in your journeying,

Mar 26, 2017
To Not Sure Where To Go from here, and anyone else that may glean anything helpful from my journey.ring
by: Anonymous

Our circumstances are extremely similar, down to number of children, supportive husband, education in counseling, and multiple other aspects that you share about your situation.

The work I've done in family systems has probably done me the most good in developing a solid, realistic context about my own journey, as well as learning on a broader scale, -i.e. relational dynamics, family dysfunction etc., -that are often present when paternity fraud has been a part of the family 'story'.

What I observe, regularly, in these circumstances is that the family member that knows the truth/those family members that have known the truth, often times, for decades about the paternity fraud, are trained up/practiced at perpetuating the betrayal. Typically, this collusion is the operating mechanism of coping due to the mother convincing/manipulating her spouse/partner, and/or other family members to protect her from consequences -natural consequences- that she has convinced herself that she does not have the emotional capacity to face and work through.

But, she does have the capacity. People are resilient, and mothers especially so. Healthy, unconditional love coupled with honest communication can move a mountain up a mountain. Personally, I would have been very sensitive to whatever my mother's truth was. It would have never been my place to judge her for her sexual intimacy choices. But, having said that, it is absolutely reasoned that I judge her for having lied to me, in full knowledge that she was preventing me from a relationship with my father.

I had a birthright-related choice to make a decision, in and for my own life, as to where my father would have fit, or not. And, the family members I will never know...

I do not hold my mother in contempt. I loved her. But, my mother made that unconscionable choice. I will not excuse it. I will not enable it. I will not enable others who colluded with her in her deceit. But, I will always care about her. I can hold 'both' those truths and still navigate in peace. I will, daily, wonder about my father. That wondering is part of me now, and cannot be changed. I experience an intense sense of loss for that vacancy in my life. But, that sense does not stop me from living a purposed life, with too many joys to list.

Nothing is more critical than the truth in development and growth of an authentic, healthy relationship. And, that's doubly true when the relationship is that of mother and child/adult child.

It's not about 'anger' at a mother for lying. Though, it's absolutely understandable that a person having been systematically lied to, and kept from information re their biological father, in this way, would experience many intense feelings -including anger, shock, 'numbness', just to name a few in the cavalcade of emotions experienced.

In order to get to a place of acceptance and peace in some amount of time (that time frame varies from person to person depending on the kind of support, or lack of support they have); What the process of journeying through this betrayal should be centered on, first and foremost, re everyone involved, is 'accountability' -the mothers' and any other family or friends who knew the truth and chose not to inform.

Everyone involved in perpetuating the lie needs to be held to account in order for healthy relational dynamics to fuel connectedness and strengthen bonds. Accountability DOES NOT INCLUDE brutal conversations or hostile confrontations. It means 'calm, measured honesty' through honest dialoging and communications.

The family members/friends that have participated in perpetuating the lie must begin to accept their role in the betrayal, and they MUST do so without making excuses OF ANY KIND.

By being honest with self and others where it regards that accountability for choosing to lie, (no matter the stated reason for the lie) healing for the child/adult child can 'begin'. That child/adult child's acceptance of their circumstances, (circumstances they had ZERO control over, and thus their role was as 'victim' of a perpetuated lie)is largely dependent on the mother and others interacting in respect, empathy and patience.

Without verbalized and demonstrated accountability by the family members who perpetuated the lie; It remains impossible to have a healthy relational dynamic echoing between the child/adult child and family members who lied… Not to mention the child/adult child cannot truly move forward in a way that serves their personal growth in the wake of all the 'life questions' that this kind of betrayal and discovered truth creates for them. It impacts every aspect of daily life.

So, if the goal is healing and acceptance, it really comes down to this question: Does my mother and/or others who have colluded in this lie have the capacity to speak in self accountability, to 'get real', and, perhaps, even, use language that demonstrates a genuine empathy and a knowing that this is not about them. It’s about 'me' and the irrefutable damage done in the wake of this kind of a betrayal?

If the answer is yes, then, work on establishing trust with your mom and others, that have betrayed, is a healthy approach. It's possible that this kind of effort/work will yield a really strong bond based on healthy love and communications -far beyond what you might ever have expected growing from the thorny place of dysfunction that has dominated.

If the answer is 'no', then, consider keeping firm boundaries in place by limiting exposure, or going 'no contact'. This is necessary so that a mom/other family members, who are complicit in the lie, but who are, also, not ready to accept responsibility, or to demonstrate regret/remorse for their participation don't exacerbate the difficulty of your journey.

Choosing this relational adjustment to limit exposure is in no way intended to punish the mom, or other family members. But, on a side note, it is revealing when this change is engaged and mom or others accuse 'you' of punishing them/cold-shouldering them. That's called 'scapegoating'. Some of the most dysfunctional family members, inevitably, will attempt to make 'you' the bad guy for holding ground, demanding their accountability.

Truth is...If they were placing your healing as the priority, in the first place, they would not see your need to distance as anything other than you taking care of yourself. But, then, if they were acting from a place that regards your healing as the priority, you would, likely, not find yourself limiting contact. That's the way dysfunction plays out in the dysfunctional family.

In my own journey, I have arrived at peace. I still experience vacancy in the spirit of a dad I didn’t get the chance to know. And, that is really sad. It just is. But, I know I'm not alone in this experience. And, that's comforting and helps me build on my sense of peace.

Wishing all of you increasing peace. We are all so fortunate to be here in this place, precisely designed to be the who that we are. I am grateful to my mother, and to a father, for that.

Mar 25, 2017
New Family
by: Betrayed

We all have been through so much. I thought I should share some good news.

I have been in contact with my father's other children. I have met and have an ongoing relationship with four of the five children from his original family. And they are wonderful. I started contacting them and one by one they have graciously accepted me and my family. We even went river rafting together. What a trip.

This has been the highlight of my experiences. I grew up with what I thought was two sisters , two brothers, and one half brother. On my father's side I have two brothers and three sisters. And as it turns out, I only have half brothers and sisters.

My new family is absolutely wonderful. I am truly blessed to know them.

For those looking at DNA tests I can tell you that I very much understand. Before the test, you have a sibling. Siblings are such a blessing. After the test, who knows. You are risking losing those very real memories. They will still be your memories. But they will have very different meaning. And at a time like this, you need something to hold on to.

It just is not fair that you be put into such a position. I will say that I do not blame anybody for making either decision. I was lucky to learn about this new family that we have become. But we are not all the same.

On another note... I have seen people talking about their therapists. I can tell you there are very few people that understand what you are going through. Does not mean they are bad people. But chances are that they will not get what it is you are experiencing. Their life has not been torn apart the way yours has been. They might care. They might even empathize. But don't hold your breathe while they come to some understanding about what you are experiencing. Unless they have gone through the same experience, they don't know what the hell you are talking about.

I know that I am definitely not the only one here that is struggling with intense emotional agony that has affected every aspect of my life. I would bet that every one posting here (assuming they are real postings)is experiencing exactly what I am going through. I feel like at times I am a recovering alcoholic living one minute at a time. Moment to moment. I have been through some pretty bad stuff before this. So I feel like I some skill with dealing with this. It does not lessen the pain and the agony of it.

You have to feel the pain and the agony of it all. Allow it to hurt. And do not apologize for feeling this way. If you have to cry then cry. If you have break something then break something. Hopefully it is not something too valuable or sentimental. Don't hurt anybody. Stay in that place of how it feels. And it will pass. If you have to sing some crappy song out loud in a face full of tears guess what. That's what you have to do. Allow it to hurt. And allow it to pass. And little by little, it gets better.

It won't happen in a day, a week, a month, or a year. But what else are you going to do. You matter. Take the time to take care of you. The rest of us that are going through this same thing do care. I for one have love for you out there going through the same thing.

Hope this helps.

Mar 24, 2017
To Not Sure Where To Go From Here.....
by: SV

My initial reaction to your post:

1. Go with your gut (re: you have a funny feeling everyone knew but you). I have learned through my process that my gut for 50 years was right, but I was told I was "overreacting" to this, that or the other.

2. I have bought the Ancestry DNA kit, and it has sat on my bedside table for over a month. I want to take it on one hand, on the other, I don't know if I'm prepared for what I might find. My sister has agreed to also take the test so we can see if we "match." Not positive I want to know the answer. So it sits.

I wish you well.

Mar 24, 2017
Not sure where to go from here.....
by: Anonymous

This has been most interesting and helpful reading other's experiences and situations. Several months ago I found out the man I thought was my biological father for 49 years was not. Looking back, there were signs and guarded conversations but I never asked the questions, perhaps I was not ready to know. The man I thought was my Dad died in 1988 and my mother died in 1974 so I asked my aunt questions to find out the details. The weirder part is that my biological Dad had been part of my life. As far as I knew all along her was a close family friend, we called him "Uncle"He called me on my birthday, we exchanged cards and saw each other from time to time (we lived quite a distance away from each other much of my life) He always told me how much he loved me and how special I was to him but I never suspected anything and noone told me the truth .Sadly, he died three years ago. I have met his daughter but have not seen her for many years. She has children as well. I am unsure how to proceed, I believe I need to find out who knew the truth all along am have a funny feeling on my Mom's side it was everyone but me!I don't know much (basically nothing) about the family history on that side but am interested both for genetic reasons and to satisfy my own curiosity. I have 2 children and a great husband. Was thinking of taking Ancestry DNA test - wondering other's thoughts on that route if they have done that. I am confused -ironically, I am midway in a Masters of Counselling degree and found this out shortly before Family Therapy class started last term. The irony is not lost on me! Thoughts welcomed.

Mar 22, 2017
To Mar 21 Anon and Shallyn
by: Repeat

First to Mar 21 Anon ... I feel your pain and anger. My story is almost a duplicate of yours. I have found I need to let the anger be part of the past. It's hard because when I read here, it flows back. I hurt. I'll never see my dead father. I could have many times over. Sometimes I hate them both so much. My family needs me and I'm here. I won't let her take that from me.Second to Shallyn, much of what you said touched my heart. There is hope. There is a way to happiness. You have to look forward, never back. Make your family your legacy. If you wish to contact me, say so, and I will give you an email

Mar 22, 2017
This Webpage...
by: S.T

I have to say I am grateful I found this webpage. I am happy to know I am not in this alone. That there are people who understand the way I feel and who can understand what I am going through. I am sorry we all had to go through this throughout our lives, but I am grateful we did find a place where we can come to and vent.

Mar 21, 2017
Maintain boundaries. Go 'no contact' if necessary
by: Anonymous

I have many comments on this page since finding out that the man I grew up believing (until my fifth decade) was my father, was not. It's been a surreal journey. The sense of betrayal is beyond words. But, there are those, here, who have experienced this profoundly difficult life changing experience who have done an amazing job at communicating what it does to your spirit and sense of self to find out that the person/people who you once trusted the most, and who should have put your wellbeing first by informing at an appropriate age/emotional maturity level, that there was questioned paternity regarding your birth father; but, instead, chose to act in unconscionable selfishness.

And, I'm compelled to say that, at this mile marker in the process, I would refuse to give ANY of my energy to those in my sphere of influence who would make a conscious choice to respond to this beyond difficult challenge with a, "Get over it." "It's time to move on." "Just be grateful you had a father." "That IS your father". These types of responses are...gee. How can I say this..BULLSHIT. There's the word.

I am educated in Family and Addictive Counseling, with a passion for Family Systems and Personality Theory. I have, also, done enough research to clearly understand that when a women lies to her child -and, often times, the lie is perpetrated on the biological father by her willful choice not to inform him as to her pregnancy, and, then, perpetuates the horrific lie to her current partner by passing off the pregnancy/the child as his... or worse, she colludes with the current partner to keep the truth about paternity from the child all their life- IT CONSTITUTES PATERNITY FRAUD. Period. No excuses.

As the mother of more than one child, I can assure that women know when they have had intercourse with more than one man in short time frame. I'm not saying that it's impossible that a woman carry a pregnancy as the result of rape and decide to withhold paternity information from her child. That would be a different consideration. I'm just saying that the VASTEST majority of women who lie about paternity are not doing it as a result of rape. We all know this. The lie she chooses is about protecting 'herself' from perceived consequences.

If your mother has lied to you about your biological father and she has shown little empathy, regret, remorse, refused to talk with you when you asked questions, redirected your line of questioning when you have attempted to communicate the irreparable damage she has done to you in her choice to lie...Or she has refused to give you information that is YOUR BIRTH RIGHT regarding your biological father...Further, if you have "friends" or family members who marginalize your pain and angst by suggesting that "you should move on", "just get over it", I encourage you to reassess the value of these people in your life. Sometimes it's necessary for YOUR wellbeing to go little or even "no contact".

It's not likely coincidence that there is a correlation between a mother, and/or other family members who CHOOSE to ignore/marginalize the impact of you having been betrayed in this way, and the existence of SERIOUS family systems dysfunctions.

So many of the accounts so honestly and openly shared here describe family members -namely a 'mother'- who presents as having 'narcissistic personality disorder' or other personality related psychopathology. Those kinds of disorders create what I would describe as a kind of disruption in responsible choices in behavior -just to keep it simple. Personality and mood disorders get real complicated. Too much to inundate folks with in a forum like this. But, there is a lot of information you can research. And, chances are when you start reading/learning about 'dysfunctional families' and the personalities that tend to be found within them, the negative behaviors that typically dominate; most people journeying through having been lied to about their bio father will see something 'familiar' described in the family pathology as it relates to some negative aspect(s) of your own childhood. Not in ALL cases of paternity fraud. But, in very many of them.

PUT YOURSELF FIRST. TAKE CARE OF YOU, FIRST. If your spouse is not supportive, tell him/her why it's critical that they support you from wherever/whatever mile you are presently on in the journey. If they -for whatever the reason- are not able to support you appropriately after you have given it reasonable energy and time...Then, I would present them with an ultimatum. Because, someone choosing not to support you/love you 'unconditionally' in what will likely be the hardest challenge of your life, reveals a pretty serious deficit re the health of the relationship. It’s always a good idea to seek the help of a vetted, experienced mental health professional in making these kinds of decisions.

A person/a mother/or other family members choice to withold respect and unconditional love by way of choosing to systematically lie to you, to make it difficult or, in many cases, impossible for you to make informed decisions about your relationship with your biological father because they won’t give you the information, and/or, then, marginalize your grief, your sense of loss, your quagmire about grappling with ‘the who you are’ by not allowing you to share your feelings and thoughts about your journey...Then, this is not respect. This is not love. And, you deserve BOTH. Don’t settle for anything less.

Develop and maintain strong boundaries, especially with people who have demonstrated a lack of empathy and an unwillingness to support you in this journey. If necessary, limit your exposure or go 'no contact'. These people will further drain your energies if you continue to expose yourself to their repeated lack of empathy and sensitivity to what is an indescribable burden that you have been forced to bear at the hands of the person/people motivated to lie to protect themselves, rather than be accountable and afford you your birth right.

You need all the energy you can maintain to find your sense of balance, acceptance, resolve, strength, and peace. Unless and until they 'shape up'...consider a disconnect. Do it for YOU.

Mar 21, 2017
by: Anonymous


Probably very few, have an understanding of your situation. For you, it is on a much deeper level than those around you. The tearing open of the heart leaves us exposed. What to do with the immense emotions? Don’t hold your heart back. Do whatever seems appropriate in the moment. There is tension relieved in words, as you have done here.

You said family, do you have children? Why would you want to un-learn the truth? At the least, for your children? Focus on your health, family, and husband. Give your compassion and caring to them. This act is critical in finding a deeper understanding. Your words have shown great resilience in this difficult period. You have my respect.

All the Best…

Mar 20, 2017
by: SV

I have struggled with job, family, every day life, too. My mother acts like nothing happened. She's 85, so I'm involved with her now because she needs help (I take care of all her finances). I have distanced myself from her as much as I can because it's not healthy for me to subject myself to being with her. I have found that focusing on projects (I've painted so much furniture over the last year and a half) helps me cope. Focusing on my immediate family, and doing things with them has also helped. All the therapists I've been too say "your dad was your dad, no matter what your mother says." They tell me I should tell my mother how this has affected me; I've done that. They seemed to say that after all that's done, there's really no more counseling I can do--I "seem" like I'm doing okay, so that's it. Almost two years later, I'm coping a little better. Still having some related health issues, but I just keep trying to push through those as best I can. Going to work is just too much some days, but I'm trying. Just keep trying. That's all you can do.

Mar 20, 2017
by: MJ

I drove 4 hours Saturday to finally meet my bio dad. As I checked into the hotel he called to cancel. Said he was sick. After 48 years. My mom, as well as the people I thought were my dad and half sister, and stepmother all just want me to go back to the old way things were. They aren't really talking to me, mad that I went digging around. My super supportive husband is frustrated and getting tired of the whole situation. My health, job, family are all suffering because of this. To say I feel alone is a huge understatement. I have another appointment with the therapist Wednesday...maybe it will help. Sometimes I wish I could go back and un-find this information.

Mar 17, 2017
Nuclear Blast
by: Betrayed

I might sound strong on this blog but believe me, I am broken. The only good thing to happen is that I have broken from a disgustingly destructive parent. That and I now finally understand the lyrics to Pearl Jam's "Alive". Eddy Veddar went through the same thing. If you don't know the song or never really listened to it, look it up.

While broken can be fixed, it doesn't lessen the obstacle. Attempting to build a life again is daunting. Stating my brokenness is yet another necessity for survival. The wounds are deep. As they strike all the way back to the child I was. The child I will never be again. That child has been obliterated. I do however have the opportunity to be whatever I want. But only in brokenness.

It makes sense now. The world will continue to turn. People will not understand what is happening to you. Even if they say they do. Even if they sincerely try. Don't hate them for it. They need to look out for themselves the same way that you do.

I recommend putting yourself first with the exception of your children. At all cost. I have. And I will succeed.

Mar 17, 2017
To Betrayal of Spirit
by: Nuclear Blast

Hi Betrayal of Spirit,
Thanks for sharing your story. (Mine is further down the thread - Nuclear Blast.)

I can fully relate to how you feel about your mother, and I cannot comment about your horrific experiences as a child - no child should ever, ever have to experience what you have gone through.

You have succinctly summarised what I have been trying to put into words... its a betrayal on the deepest possible level. Over a period of time some things start to make sense, that feeling of not fitting in, of being the 6ft elf! Hey, that explains what I've been trying to put into words!

I think therein lies the "mustard seed" for all of us on this page, the nut of being able to pull through everything. You are not part of the family, you aren't an elf! You were born to be something else, you were born for a different path, yes you have been taken on too many detours and you had no idea and the detour had horrific experiences.

But you aren't one of "them", the people that you have decided to move away from both physically and spiritually. You aren't an elf!

I bought myself a cool t-shirt, I know, I know... anyway, it says - "I'm Under Construction". I decided that's exactly what I am, I'm rebuilding myself! I have gone through almost everything now in our home, picking it up, looking at it etc. I take each and every item and really look at it, deciding whether it is me or not. Is this thing I have in my hand really me, is it what I want to carry forward into my new chapter, is it going to be a part of my construction? I figured out that there was a heap of "stuff" in my life that was there because it was there... stuff I had let in because of some stupid "family" ritual, culture, ideal etc. But I'm not an Elf! These rituals, cultures etc don't reflect who and what I am! So, there has been a heap of things that have found their way to the Salvation Army or Hospice. They have found their way to homes that will appreciate them and I, in the process, am being freed from the burden of being an Elf! On the other hand, the things that I love, that I know are truly a part of me, they have been unearthed again, like jewels in a crown.

It is extremely scary some days as I have no idea where I am headed, other days it is extremely exciting as I have no idea where I am headed. All I know is that I SHALL move forward, stronger, better, brighter and wonderfully clear of the muck. By muck I mean the lies, the awful family I was related to, the stupid rituals, beliefs etc. I move forward as "ME", not some distraught wannabe, trying to be, a 6ft Elf!

What I can say to you, is you are far stronger than you give yourself credit for. You have grown up and you have married someone who loves you for being you,for all you have been through and for the man you have become. Your sense of being and duty shines through - those are such wonderful qualities. There would be a heap more, perhaps focusing on the wonderful things that are you will help you rebuild your foundation.

You've got this! May you build your most wonderful build of your life.

Take care.

Mar 17, 2017
Betrayal of Spirit
by: Betrayed

I truly believe there is a betrayal of spirit in these stories. I was told by my mother at 46 that my father died when I was 12. I never knew him. I grew up my whole life knowing another person as my father.

Nobody tells you the obvious truth that everybody else seems to know. While I spent my entire life trying to fit in with people that had different features, habits, and personalities, I missed the opportunity to be me. I was born with qualities very different than the people I grew up with. And because I only ever thought we were all the same, I blamed myself for the differences between us. Because they were all the same. Like being a 6 foot elf that doesn't know how to make toys. My life, my youth, my spirit was robbed.

The person I thought was my father was a good enough person I guess. But not really a good father. He was divorced to my mother. And on top of it all I had a child molesting piece of shit step father that brutalized myself and my older brothers and sisters. I could fill an encyclopedia with stories that would make your skin crawl.

So I survived my youth as best I could. I avoided murdering my step father. There were close calls. I grew up and moved as far away as I could get. I have done the best I could do with what I possessed.

At 46 my mother tells me her secret. She then wants to go on like everything is no big deal. She destroyed the family she had of 2 boys and 2 girls. She destroyed my father's family of 2 boys and 3 girls. I am actually 5 months younger than my half sister from my father's family. I probably have another encyclopedia full of events dealing with the details of it all. But to her, no big deal.

The main thing for me is this. All my life. Through all the bullshit I lived through. I kept my sense of duty to her. Through it all, I gave her some grace. She is still married to the same piece of shit child molesting son of a bitch. I had no idea. I could have used knowing that I possessed a different genetic make-up. I had different instincts. I had a different sense of self than the others. I would have followed those instincts had I known. I would have had quite a bit less self doubt. But I didn't know any different. There is information in knowing who your biological parents are. It is useful. It has nothing to do with whether or not you loved the person you thought was your parent. I have strength and confidence that comes from my father. People that knew him well say that I walk and talk the way he walked and talked. I possess the same intelligence. And I have passed these traits down to my own kids.

So now I have nothing to do with my mother. Even though my sense of duty should have been cut off years ago before the revelation. Even though she left us all in hands of a brutal child molesting piece of shit. I would have kept my sense of duty to her. Were it not for one thing. And that is the Betrayal of Spirit. For betraying my ability to know myself. For casting doubt upon me far into my early years. She betrayed me and she did it for selfish reasons. And she admitted this. She admitted knowing that I would not forgive her if she ever revealed her secret to me. She admitted not telling to keep me close. And keeping me in a world of self-doubt for her own purposes.

So now that I have nothing to do with her, she is trying to tell me and my wife and other family that I am now actually crazy. That there is some mysterious thing that the doctors told her about when I was in her womb that is made me crazy all the sudden. Never heard anything about it all these years. But now, all of the sudden, I am full on crazy.

I am sure I don't have the worst story dealing with this subject. I make no claim of expertise. I would like to hear other's thoughts on my story. I am in the process of rebuilding me. Had I not been born with the burden this person having given birth to me, I would be living a very different life right now. Pain, hurt, and humiliation are one thing. Betrayal is quite another.

Mar 16, 2017
Who am I
by: Anonymous

Hi,thanks for sharing your story. I am 47 and found out about 3 years ago that my Dad was not my biological father. I dont about this much because everyone I consulted trivialized it,more trying to convince me how good my Dad was and questioning why i wanted to know more. I can completely relate to how you feel. "Who am I" perfect title for your story. I would more than anything to find out more about my father, I have been trying but must admit i become very dispondent at times. Hope and prayer for all in similar situations to find some form of closure in this matter.

Thanks FS

Mar 15, 2017
Daughter of 3???
by: Anonymous

in February I was having lunch with my mom and boyfriend and she just started talking and she mentioned my dad not being my dad. I told her this isn't a funny joke well sure enough it's not. So I told her she needed to tell my dad(the man that raised me-I'm a daddy's girl all the way) that she spilled the beans. After having an emotional conversation with my dad he told me that him and my mom had an agreement to never tell me because I will always be his. I love my dad more than words can explain, he is the reason who I am today and I wouldn't trade anything about my life. My biological father only found out about me a few weeks before I found out about him. Now being 24 I wasn't mad at my parents and I know my mom did what she did for her own reason plus getting mad fixes nothing. I just remember friends and family mentioning that I don't look like either parents so I'd reply that I got a really good blend of both. I never questioned my appearance about who my parents were, especially since there were tons of pics of my mom pregnant with me and hospital pictures. I just feel a little confused I guess.

Mar 03, 2017
The "Who Am I"
by: SV

The Who Am I question and what was real in my childhood is torture to me. How do I know anything was true. My mother claims my father didn't know, but how do I know if that's true? My sister, who my mother claims is my father's biological child, questions her childhood, too. I completely screws you up. I can't dwell on it too much, but when it seeps in, it takes over.

Mar 03, 2017
To: Anonymous
by: Mike

My new daughter and I were both misled, her Mom left me and got married,out of the blue,I had NO idea she was seeing a other guy.I have been so gentle with my daughter and very calm, her parents however do not want to hear my name at all and have sent me a letter saying "Stay out of her life" I have brushed that off and continued our relationship. I did sit down with her and told her I do want to get to know her better and be part of her life, her response however was not what i was prepared for... " I did acid,is that what you want to know,there you go" "I do not need a father". Even after that i stayed calm, i could feel her pain.I believe something is going on, maybe from childhood..Her parents had a bad divorce when she was 8 years old, but i really do not know.Right now we have not talked in 3 months, she must come to terms with her side of the family.I truly love her and only want the very best for her but it is truly hard not to be seen.I wear my emotions on my sleeve and only get by with the help of my wife and 2 children who know how much i hurt. Thank GOD for them.

Mar 02, 2017
by: Anonymous


Did you know about your daughter or were you both misled? She is dealing with traumatic guilt and anger over the people she was raised with betraying her trust in the most egregious possible way. The best way to connect with her is to write calm, understanding messages, that let's her develop her relationship with you on terms that do not undermine her sense of self. One of the hardest part for the adult children is dealing with the question "Who am I" if everything I thought I was is a fictitious story created by my "family" to keep me walled off from the reality of where and who I came from. Then they tell you they did it to protect you or for your own best interest. It's absolutely insane that a parent would do that to their child.

Mar 02, 2017
by: Anonymous

MJ if you need to talk with someone who has dealt with exactly what you are going through I am available. I got a fedex letter in the mail 17 years ago at 26 and had no idea. It literally was as shocking as a near death experience which I have experienced two in my life, one by electric shock. I had another birth certificate, a blood line last name, relatives that new about me 300 miles from where I grew up. Meeting your biology helps a great deal, so does running / exercising, meditation, and self hypnosis. You have to take one day at a time and handle the intense feelings with exercise of some sort. I am now 42, 18 years of working through this, 4 kids and a wife and it's still "no f'ing this actually happened to me". But I manage it way better than I use to. I'm here if you need to talk extkking@gmail.com.


Mar 01, 2017
To: MJ
by: Mike

I understand all too well about what is going on in your life with your NEW found Dad, i know because i am that NEW found Dad (abt 2 years ago). I found my daughter on FB and life has not been the same for both of us. She is very protective of her family and will not share that part of her life with me. I am still very hurt that her parents never told me or her about each other, she is in my life but not sharing herself completely. My advise to you is to show respect and compassion to your NEW found Dad.I made it clear to my daughter to call me Father and not Dad, that was stolen from me and her.If you need any more help on your situation from a NEW found father's prospective, ask away. GOOD LUCK :)

Feb 25, 2017
by: SV

You are exactly me! You're not alone; it is life changing. I went to therapy (two different therapists, got on anti-depressants, etc.). I'm off the anti-depressants now, but it was a long two years of dealing with it. Things will never go back to what they were, and it's unfair and ridiculous for anyone to think that's what you should do. Hang in there. And, yes, like you, I was shocked to see how many people this happens to. It does give comfort, though.

Feb 25, 2017
Glad I found this
by: MJ

I am so glad I found this. I thought I was alone. Discovered just before Christmas my dad is not my bio dad...family thinks I should leave it alone and go back to the way it was, while my whole world has been turned upside down. Discovered this all thru ancestry DNA. Have found bio father and connected on the phone with plans to meet soon. Have also started seeing a therapist. But it's so complicated and no one truly understands when I seem to go thru every single emotion every day. Just trying to function, take care of my husband and kids, keep my job...sometimes it seems too much.
I'm going to take the time to read all the other stories here and hope they help. The few I have read have already validated my feelings.

Feb 21, 2017
Reply to sv
by: Anonymous

Thanks for respondkng. Goodluck with the dna test. I have good and bad times. Im sure eventually acceptance that nothings really changed but everytbing has will come. Again goodluck. Regards deb

Feb 21, 2017
In the wilderness
by: SV

Like you, I found out in my 50s after my father died. My mother is still alive. She told me. The difference is she said she's not sure who my father is. That was almost two years ago. I'm going to take an ancestry DNA test with my sister to see if we "match." My whole world has been rocked and I've had a horribly hard time dealing with it, but I'm better, way better, than I was. My mother claims my dad didn't know. Like you, I wish I never found this out. Hope you progress well. My mother tells me I may have "lots" of 1/2 siblings.....not sure what that means. Not at a point where I care about that, and don't know if I ever will be. Take care.

Feb 21, 2017
In the wilderness
by: Anonymous

Hi. I am 54 and found out my beloved dad was not my dad. He died 18months before i found out. Mum died 5 months before. Mum had an affair and i arrived in 1962. I had a wonderful relationship with my dad. I have since connected with my half sibli gs via fb. I still struggle to be honest. I grieve for that blood connection with my dad but he is my dad and so wonderful for accepting me ..... yes he knew ..... i wish i never found out

Feb 16, 2017
32...Almost 33 years of Lies by: S.T
by: Anonymous

Hi ST,

I'm Nuclear Blast... further down the thread. I'm three weeks further down the track from you, I can relate to exactly where you are!

What I have found useful so far - talking to my husband, explaining exactly where I am at. Allowing myself to feel the ups and downs, and believe me, there have been quite a few. I also backed off my mother, just distanced myself completely so that I could come to terms with the new information, the implications, my thoughts, etc.

The above seems to have helped as I seem to have gained some sort of balance in my life again. What do I mean by that? My day to day life, my dreams, my hopes and ambitions, my relationship with my friends and family (i.e. kids and hubby) are still intact. They are still there, we still care for each other. I feel like I can now possibly start tackling the information presented to me. I don't really know where to start, but I believe I have the head space and some sense of emotional balance to start working through it.

The one thing I have realised is that "My Dad" will always be "My Dad", nothing can change that. He loved me for me, he gave me his last name, he put a roof over my head and always had my back. So I've used that as my anchor.

Hope this helps in some way!

All the best.
Nuclear Blast

Feb 16, 2017
32...Almost 33 years of Lies
by: S.T

On Friday, I just found that the man who has raised me for 32 years is not my biological father.

My mom has disowned me for finding out this information and she will not tell me anything about this man. All she has said is he used to force himself on her. The man who is my biological father sent me a letter my mom wrote him in the past and it seems like they had some type of relationship. So, I do not know who to believe right now.I tried reaching out to one of my mother's friends who knew her around the time she got pregnant with me, but my mom shut down that attempt quickly.

I told who I thought was my father and he was in complete shock. He said I will always be his daughter. That's true, because his name is on my birth certificate.

I do not know what to do now with my life right now. I feel like I am having a midlife crisis. Do I keep try to get to know this man who actually is my biological father, or do I just leave it alone?

The people I know says I should just drop it and move on. I feel bad for this man though he was denied a right to know who I was. I kind of feel obligated to get to know him.

I don't even know how I am going to tell my kids this. I have a 12 and 9 year old. If I can't even comprehend, how will they? Did I mention one of my children was Autistic on top of it.

UGH....I am so confused!!! I just thought this was only in Lifetime movies and now it is my life.

Do they have support groups for this type of stuff? I need to talk to someone who I can relate to.

Feb 07, 2017
A Site... for Sore Eyes
by: Anonymous

"I don't know who left the psychological "help" but they are just words. They may have just as well have been cut-and-pasted in. These folks need understanding and validation, not tag words for their lives."

Equally, you're unknown to the visitors here. The, clearly, adept site originator planned the community with anonymity for valid reason, I assume. Your understanding of that plan, your agreement with it would be a good thing… but is not necessary to the community’s value or function.

Has is occurred to you that your words are, also, "just words"? And, frankly, the words are 'just critical'. So, that gives them much less merit, (and that's being generous), than, ‘the other words' in this community.

So what, now? Based on the above, there's little to assert other than it simply does not occur to you that people, including me, engage this well done, effective site for purposes of working through their psychological/emotional pain and challenge regarding their birth origin.

Just so you know, I personally find a huge amount of encouragement through the "just words" here. In credit to this site, and to the people communing here; I have developed a greater scope about ‘paternity’ with which I have successfully utilized to apply to problem solve and heal through my own personal situation. The shared experiences in this community, ALL the stories, and ALL these people's heartfelt, generously offered feedback HELPS (key word, there) me journey in better strength and hope along the beyond difficult road that regards finding out that you were lied to about who your biological father is/was.
"Tag line" or not, I think it's reasonable and fair to suggest that this site, all these visitors sharing their journey…HELPS.

If you choose, you can certainly frame this as dreaded "psychological help", (as though ‘helping the psyche’ is somehow ‘bad’ (??). But, more important that you understand that the intent is to just respectfully ask that you reflect on your spirit in this place and make necessary adjustments. In its current state, your spirit lacks the ‘help’ feature –which is in contrast to the site’s/this community's function and goal.

Wishing you peace and health.

Feb 06, 2017
Nuclear Blast - Update
by: Anonymous

Firstly to Anonymous, thank you for your kind words. Throughout this event, I have found caring and support from my husband and children, and then everyone else that has not been related to me in any way!

I thought I would post an update, it turns out that my Mother lied to me when I confronted her. The first name she gave me was someone else, and not the gent that fathered me! I would have thought that someone in her position would have told the truth, however she lied.

I'm not angry or upset, I am just so disappointed, the trust was already broken, but this just seems to have taken it to another level.

However, the sun rose this morning, I am fit and healthy and I have a fabulous husband and wonderful children. I have decided that I am an example to my adult children and that the way I handle this will help them in their future challenges. So, onward and upward!

Feb 06, 2017
not my father product of rape by brother
by: Anonymous

it's hard enough knowing you are the child of rape by your mother's brother but living with the contempt, abuse, rejection and hatred so called family, particularly mother and sister have acted out at me with has been the hardest....finally I walked away and amazingly they play stupid like I had no reason harboring a how dare you attitude because they feel it is my role to play scapegoat for all the sick family dysfunction that is their's and their's alone...while I supposed I should feel bad for my mother who did not ask to be raped by her brother, by the same token, I did not ask for it either and never deserved what was shoved on me as a result....had they had a decency they would have put me up for adoption so I could experience life with a family who would accept and love me, but instead they put their own desires and need to lash their anger out on me, that is the part I may forgive but will never forget.

Feb 05, 2017
Nuclear Blast
by: Anonymous

Nuclear Blast,

I cannot ease your pain with words as you bear a heavy burden and my heart breaks for you. Still, you have found a way of expression in this forum and it is your strength. I believe your heart will find its own intuitive way and yet your mind may never understand. The love you have towards the father that raised you is invulnerable to change. As a mother, you said your children were "on the right track" a true testament of love. I might focus there.

Through it all, you have been given a lesson of compassion, one of great depth, for which we were all born.

I believe you will meet these people again (your father and the gent) and will know in an instant what you were not given to know right now.

Sincerely and with Love

Jan 29, 2017
Please leave the psych speak elsewhere
by: Anonymous

I don't know who left the psychological "help" but they are just words. They may have just as well have been cut-and-pasted in. These folks need understanding and validation, not tag words for their lives.

Jan 29, 2017
Nuclear Blast
by: Anonymous

I'm 43, and I found out yesterday that my late father was not my biological father.

Dad, battled with a rare genetic disorder for my entire childhood. Many days were spent sitting outside hospital wards, waiting for news as to health. On a few rare occasions, as a kid, I was told to go in and say my goodbyes as he wasn't going to make it through the night. Often, I'd wake up in the morning at my beloved "Gran's" house, where I had been dropped as my Mother dashed to the hospital with my Dad.

In outer looks, Dad looked perfectly fine, no one ever guessed he was so ill.

I'm an only child, born late in my parents' life.

Roll on a few years, I'm 19 and fall pregnant with my first child, a Son, get married.I'm looking forward to sharing a new life with my Dad as he never had a son... and boom, two months later my Dad passes away. And three and a half months later my child is born. I was devastated, my entire world fell apart, there was no earth beneath me.

I slowly recover and, by putting one foot in front of the other, I rebuild, I have a beautiful daughter.

My Mother has a very special bond with her younger sister, and given that they tell each other everything, much of what happens in my life is kept private. For me, there is no need to share everything with the broader family. Additionally, from a young age I realise that her sister, my Godmother, has a vicious streak. She does not hold confidence, she gossips, she loves to say that she forgives, but never forgets... and much more.

The marriage doesn't work out, I get through the divorce on my own, and again slowly rebuild, on what I believe to be, solid foundations.

A few years later I meet the most wonderful man, my soul mate. We marry and blend our families. I learn on a deep level that there is a difference between nature and nurture and that one can love a child even if they are not biologically your own.

We emigrate to a new country and start our lives.

Roll on a decade and everything is going very well, kids have grown up, completed their studies and are on the right track.

Over the decades since my Dad's passing, I have had to muck in and fix things, replace things, pay for medical aid, replace a car etc. My Mother, now in her 80s, had a very small pool of funds. So, hubby and I have bought a townhouse for her, I managed her emigration and she now lives a short distance away.

Her sister comes to visit a week ago, I finally have my say regarding her behavior - I don't make any reference to her family or anyone else. (a number of things have happened over the years where I have held my tongue.) To sum up, she asks my mother to leave the Bed & Breakfast where they are staying which my Mother does. The same evening the sister leaves town.

A week later I receive a txt from her sister saying that I thrust misery into peoples lives and she'll let me into a family secret, my Dad wasn't my real dad. This is subsequently followed by the comment that this is Karma, I am unhinged and good luck finding any half brothers or sisters. (Singed off with a winky face emoji.)

This obviously got the ball rolling. The next day I sit down and tell my Mother I had received the txt, I read it to her in all its glory. After a protracted story, it turns out that my Dad couldn't have children, my Mother desperately wanted a child. Add to this that my Dad was rather ill and spent extended stays in hospital. My Mother then advises me that she took it upon herself to fulfill her dream. She went so far as to say the "gent" that fulfilled her dream was intelligent, tall, handsome etc. She worked with him for a number of years.

By all accounts my Dad knew that I wasn't his child, the timing didn't work and he was basically sterile.

However my Dad raised me as his own, I believe my entire life that I had a number of his traits, both physical and mental. I was the closest to my Dad by far, he was my confidant, my safe place. I was proud of my heritage, my ancestry. Through my children I believed I could see traits of my Dad, perhaps in a grin, their thought patterns... As my Dad's genetic disease was hereditary, I worried constantly about my health and what I may have passed onto my children. I eventually summoned the courage to be admitted to hospital to check whether I had any signs. I surreptitiously checked my kids to see if there was anything. Fortunately my tests came back negative and it was probable that my children hadn't inherited the disease. I am registered with the National Genetics Organisation for annual check ups.

I'm hurt, actually I'm beyond hurt, whatever level that is. I've been betrayed, I've worried about my children's welfare when I didn't need to. Even when I went for the tests I didn't tell my Mother as I didn't want to upset her - but she knew bloody well that I was never at risk and neither were my children. My medical records are all a lie. I've lost my ancestry, I feel like I've lost everything that I know to be true.

And with my Dad deceased, I can't even give him a hug and thank him for loving me even when I wasn't his child. It does make me love him more.

What gets to me even further is that my Mother said she was waiting for the right time to tell me. As if there is ever a right time. Additionally she doesn't seem outraged that her sister dropped the bombshell or by the way it was dropped.

The "gent" who fathered me is probably dead, he was older than my Mother and they haven't had contact. I have a name and I have managed to piece together that he was Jewish, I was raised Christian. But that is as far as it goes, I have no idea if there are siblings, I live very far away now.

My current dilemma is where to from here? I have a million emotions towards my Mother. I have emotions towards her sister for knowing about it and not saying anything, and then dropping a bomb shell because she wanted to be "one up". I feel emotionally exhausted.

Jan 02, 2017
"The best revenge is to not be like your enemy" Marcus Aurelius
by: FYDWisdom@gmail.com

Here is an interesting way to look at this test that has been thrust upon you. Email me anytime if you need to talk to someone who has been through exactly what you have, has 4 kids, and chooses to be a victor rather than a victim.........extkking@gmail.com

Kintsukuroi (金繕い?) (Japanese: golden repair)
The Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold or silver lacquer with an understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.
As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

Why does everyone on this board post anonymously? You have done nothing wrong. There is nothing to be ashamed of……seeking help during a challenging time in your life signifies intelligence and resilience. With the intent to better yourself and thrive independent from any circumstances life throws at you!
Good Read :
"Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart" by Dr. Gordon Livingston.
He was also adopted and met his mother late in life, but wasn’t lied to about it.

This is a repost from last year that you may find helpful from FYDWisdom@gmail.com. Search this site for FYDWisdom there is a lot of info posted overcoming this unfathomable situation.
Your mother, who CHOSE to betray you in the most egregious and unconscionable way in refusal of informing you as to who your biological father is, on the other hand, likely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As such, she is, therefore, completely, utterly incapable of empathizing with her victimization of you. So be cautious, be thoughtful where your investment in engaging her is concerned. Ensure appropriate boundaries. If you're not sure what those boundaries should look like/feel like, do research on "Family Systems Theory/Family Roles Theory/Family Dynamics" and "Cluster B Personality Disorder in a Parent".
True compassion and understanding is unattainable from my experience, even from professionals. That why it is essential to communicate on this board. I have done some initial research on the topics you mentioned in your post. I have spoken with many intelligent, informed people from this board, and have gleaned some positive insight. Keep the questions and information flowing. Understanding is the path to healing!

Family Systems Theory



The family systems theory is a theory introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen that suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family, as the family is an emotional unit. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system. According to Bowen, a family is a system in which each member had a role to play and rules to respect. Members of the system are expected to respond to each other in a certain way according to their role, which is determined by relationship agreements. Within the boundaries of the system, patterns develop as certain family member's behavior is caused by and causes other family member's behaviors in predictable ways. Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance in the family system, but also to dysfunction. For example, if a husband is depressive and cannot pull himself together, the wife may need to take up more responsibilities to pick up the slack. The change in roles may maintain the stability in the relationship, but it may also push the family towards a different equilibrium. This new equilibrium may lead to dysfunction as the wife may not be able to maintain this overachieving role over a long period of time.

Murray Bowen
Department of Psychiatry Georgetown
University Medical Center Washington, D.C


Family Systems theory assumes that all important people in the family unit play part in the way family members function
in relation to each other and in the way the symptom finally erupts. The part that each person plays comes about
by each "being himself." The symptoms of excessive drinking occurs when family anxiety is high. The appearance of
the symptom stirs even higher anxiety in those dependent on the one who drinks. The higher the anxiety, the more other
family members react by anxiously doing more of what they are already doing.

Cluster B Personality Disorder


Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. It's not necessary to exhibit all the signs and symptoms listed for a disorder to be diagnosed.

Antisocial personality disorder

Disregard for others' needs or feelings
Persistent lying, stealing, using aliases, conning others
Recurring problems with the law
Repeated violation of the rights of others
Aggressive, often violent behavior
Disregard for the safety of self or others
Impulsive behavior
Consistently irresponsible
Lack of remorse for behavior
Borderline personality disorder

Impulsive and risky behavior, such as having unsafe sex, gambling or binge eating
Unstable or fragile self-image
Unstable and intense relationships
Up and down moods, often as a reaction to interpersonal stress
Suicidal behavior or threats of self-injury
Intense fear of being alone or abandoned
Ongoing feelings of emptiness
Frequent, intense displays of anger
Stress-related paranoia that comes and goes
Histrionic personality disorder

Constantly seeking attention
Excessively emotional, dramatic or sexually provocative to gain attention
Speaks dramatically with strong opinions, but few facts or details to back them up
Easily influenced by others
Shallow, rapidly changing emotions
Excessive concern with physical appearance
Thinks relationships with others are closer than they really are

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Belief that you're special and more important than others Fantasies about power, success and attractiveness Failure to recognize others' needs and feelings Exaggeration of achievements or talents Expectation of constant praise and admiration Arrogance Unreasonable expectations of favors and advantages, often taking advantage of others Envy of others or belief that others envy you.....

Dec 30, 2016
not sure what to do with new info
by: Anonymous

Not sure where to start. Just found out the man I thought was my biological father for 50 years actually wasn't.Looking back, there were hints and signs. I think I resisted asking questions to protect myself. Now I asked the questions and I know but not sure what to do with this new information. I am a well adjusted, educated woman with an excellent marriage and stable life but knowing that there is a half sister out there is very weird. A whole other biological family. Your thoughts?? I don't even know who from his family knows........

Dec 30, 2016
To Justin
by: Anonymous

I'm the Dec 30 Anonymous - so I feel you. Let's not ever let our "parents" make us feel like the bad person. They are mad for their mistakes or people they wish they had never been with. But they made a human being that deserves dignity and respect.

Dec 30, 2016
Truth -no matter the circumstances- is healthiest for 'everyone'.
by: Anonymous

Hiding the truth, keeping the truth from a child/adult child will always create more burden, pain, confusion, resentments angst, for those involved. But, the bigger burden will ALWAYS be shouldered by a child/adult child that has been systematically lied to.

There is a statistically very small number of cases where the decision to lie to a child/adult child about their birth origin is the most appropriate choice to make. That said, the problem with justifications is that many women will claim, mostly to 'soothe' and convince themselves, that 'their' situation is unique and, therefore, their choice to lie is justified.

The vast majority of paternity fraud cases, cases where a lie has substituted for the truth -sometimes for decades of an individual's life- are the result of the mother's fear, aversion in facing the hardship of accepting the results of consensual sex that results in questioned paternity due to intercourse occurring with two or more partners in one fertility cycle.

It's a very difficult situation, for her, no doubt. Even still, she is accountable to inform the biological father as to the birth of their child. She is equally responsible for informing her spouse/partner, if she has one, that the child is not his biological child. Most critically, she is responsible in informing her child, at an appropriate age and emotional maturity level, as to the name of his/her biological father, and support her child in their decision making about what is the best thing to do in terms of relationship re the biological father.

It's hard. Yes. And, it's totally understandable that a mother is afraid of being judged, and/or that she wishes not to deal with the complex difficulties that WILL BE associated with being truthful about the origin of her child's birth.

Unfortunately that kind of fear drives the decision-making of a majority of mothers where cases of paternity fraud occurs. But, as difficult a challenge as it will be for her, that difficulty is not a valid reason to withold her child's birthright, or to, also, in tandem pass her child off as another man's -him believing and trusting that the child is his biological child.

Her fear of dealing with the complicated circumstances does not, WILL NOT EVER out weigh the child's birthright to know who their biological father is, (or if the name is unknown to at least inform on that)...Nor does her trepidation about the difficulty of the truth absolve her from informing her partner/spouse that her child is not his biological child.

In the end, healthy committed love and respect will see the difficulties associated with the truth, regarding birth origin/paternity, through. There are many brave, caring women who will attest to that -Women who have chosen to deal in truth in the wake of their experience in questioned paternity.

It really is that simple. When the mother's value system and commitment is to first and foremost act on behalf of what is in her child's/adult child's best interest; her valid, understandable fear will take a lesser role in her decision making. And, because of this approach, her relationships are healthier because they have absolute truth as the foundation...and a difficult road is made much more passible for her, her child/adult child, and all their relationships.

The love for a child is selfless. When we choose truth...we are choosing love.

Dec 30, 2016
It's a lie and betrayal except in case of rape, then handle with care
by: Anonymous

I found out my biological father was not my dad when I was 25. I had just had a broken engagement. My world was empty. I had no one to talk to because I was sworn to secrecy. Carry this paternity secret as they had. Why? I was glad to not have been aborted or given up for adoption (I think) and to have a dad that cared for me as his own (even if he really didn't know I wasn't his the first two years of my life). But now they wanted to save face in front of family and friends. It would hurt my dad is what my mom said. So I complied. In the meantime I tried to find my bio father with no success. Then I got married and then pregnant at 31. Suddenly, mom was a little talkative again. I got enough info to search, but no success. Then a few years later I do. But I'm paralyzed by fear as I sat outside his house. Three times I couldn't do it ... why didn't he ever look me up when I became an adult? Was he as ashamed as my mom was? Well it didn't matter because he died before I got to ask...too young too. I had a sister that died too young also just two years before him. I'll never get to know them. I blame myself but I really want to blame my mom. But that's not how I work. I do have a brother and aunts and cousins whom I have met and they are wonderful. They give me a sense of being. I never felt like I belonged with mom's family, but that's partly her fault. Disfunctional doesn't even begin to describe it. But even so, I'm an outsider to my bio father's family and I get that. We have no history. So still I'm out hanging out in the wind. I don't know if mom knew that's the situation she was creating. She always blamed me for whatever happened. Never said she was sorry. Even said sbe hated me. I think it's really because all she could ever see in me was my bio father. Her father left her. Her brother left. Her father of her child left. Her mother was verbally abusive. I guess the ball just keeps rolling.

Dec 29, 2016
by: Anonymous

Hi my name is deb and 2 weeks ago at the age of 54 i found out my beloved dad was not my biological dad. My older siblings knew but i did not. Both my parents are deceased now and i am so ...... lost i guess. Like u i feel every childhood memory is a myth ..... everythkng i thought was real was not. I am angry at mum but my love for dad is greater ...... we had something greaterthan blood ..... uf he knew *and i dont know if he did) but if he did .... to luv me like he did ..... well simply wow!

Dec 16, 2016
To Please Give Me Any Advice
by: Anonymous

I am the victim of the betrayal of a mother who chose to commit paternity fraud. She passed me off as her, then, husband's child. She went on to maintain the lie during the marriage and for decades into my adulthood. In addition to her lying to me, her child, she also betrayed the man known to me as 'dad' all my growing years in her conscious decision commit paternity fraud, as well.

I theorize that there may be 'at least' one family member who has either known the truth, or suspected, and as such could have chosen to do the right thing in giving that information to me so that I could have had a chance to, at least, know the name of my father.

My reason in the brief synopsis above is to help support and validate that ANY person who is in possession of information, that regards paternity fraud committed by a mother, is complicit in the betrayal and victimization of the child/children who has been lied to, when they choose to withhold that birthright information from the child/children. There is no excuse or reason that justifies that added victimization. ANYONE, but especially 'family' and 'friends' who know, or who strongly suspect that a person has been/is being lied to by a mother about their biological father, is culpuble.

Dec 13, 2016
Response to boyfriend's father not his bio. father
by: Anonymous

How did you find out? Did someone put you in a horrible position by telling you, then asking you not to tell? If so, I would tell the person who told you to tell your boyfriend themselves within a certain number of days. I would tell them that you will not be a party to keeping a secret from him. If they don't tell, then you can gently tell him. You need to be on his side in this--he will need you!

If you found out inadvertently, you're in a horrible spot, but if it was my significant other, I would expect them to tell me and would be very angry if he did not.

Best of luck to you.

Dec 12, 2016
Please give me any advice
by: Anonymous

So my boyfriend is 22 years old and I just found out a few months ago that his father is not his biological father...he does not know this. His mother was raped when she was in college and got pregnant with him. I have had horrible anxiety ever since I found out. I feel like I'm lying to him but I also know that it is not for me to tell. I have no idea what I should do. With you being in this situation previously, what would you suggest I do?

Nov 28, 2016
Thank you for your courage and inspiration, Justin.
by: Anonymous

In reading your story, I feel so much about what you share. I'm so sorry for what your mother's choices bring to bear on your heart, your life. I'm sorry that a grandmother, that you love so dearly, would 'enable' your mother's horrible choices by attempting to convince you that you are the one creating the problem in the family, and that you should "just move on" and avoid having 'feelings' about the unconscionable lie your mother perpetrated. Don’t' ever buy into that BS. It's just sick, dysfunctional stuff when family members marginalize your valid grief, anger, by telling you to "get over it", "move on", and belittle your desire, your RIGHT to know and understand the truth by announcing that she’s not going to be engaging the subject any further.

That enabling of your mother, by way of telling you to "let it go", is on your grandmother, I'm sorry to say. That she attempts to displace her daughter's consequences onto the victim of the lie, 'you', also, gives insight to other dysfunction in their relationship that may have existed since your mother was a child. This enabling of your mother by your grandmother could be a contributor to your mother having grown up with a sense of entitlement and, perhaps, less regard for her accountability where her choices are concerned -hence your mother avoiding dealing with you openly, honestly, directly, and in humility. Instead, she throws down the much easier -for her, "I've turned it all over to God" card.

In considering all of that complex family system stuff, it still does not mean they do not love you, or that you should avoid a relationship with your mother, grandmother, etc. If you were to choose to have a relationship with them in the future, I would encourage you to get the feedback of an experienced counselor, with expertise in dysfunctional family systems for the purpose of developing strong boundaries in the wake of these discovered deficits. For whatever its worth, on a personal note, I would likely choose 'no contact' under the circumstances you share. I would do that because I have my own children to protect from the negativity that permeates when extended family dysfunction is allowed to operate without challenge or restraint.
Bottom Line: How you choose to proceed with regard to relationships with your grandmother, your mother -or anyone else in the family who has participated and/or who were complicit in perpetuating the lie about your birth origin and, then, adding insult to traumatic injury by marginalizing, discounting, and out-right denying the impact on you, personally - is completely YOUR call. No one gets to judge your decision making process in this.

You are tuned into your mother's dysfunction. And, because of this, you parent 'healthy' -in love and truth. You know what unhealthy parenting looks like, and feels like. You don't make those same mistakes. You are breaking the cycle of that kind of dysfunction in your own family. You are an emotionally healthy individual, for a lot of wonderful reasons and, also, because of what you saw modeled by your dysfunctional family system. It ALL adds up to the really great 'you' that you are!

Thank you for your military service...Thank you for standing in the gap, in harm's way…for protecting our individual freedoms, and on behalf of our country's imperfect, but always-striving, democracy.

Keep on keepin' on, Justin! Be well…Be happy…Continue to live in truth. I have no doubt that you will!

Nov 28, 2016
For Mike
by: Anonymous

You have demonstrated more character, respect, and dedication as a parent -because 'you' told her the truth.

Your situation, as all of these surreal situations, is very complex. But make no error in discernment about where the accountability lies. Your daughter's mother is culpable for the mess made post pregnancy in her choice to create and maintain a gargantuan web of lies.

If I'm understanding the circumstances, your ex-girlfriend 'chose' to lie to you, by omission, in not telling you she had conceived during the period of time the two of you were involved. Then, she's chosen to lie to her child, for decades, about who her father is. And, it sounds as though it is possible that she has, also, chosen to lie to her husband by passing your child off as his biological child. Again, 'if' I'm correctly understanding what you describe. My apologies if I have any of the details wrong.

This mess is on your daughter's mother. These are her 'choices'. There is no excuse for her lying. None. Almost always in these situations, the lies the mother conjures and maintains are designed to protect herself from the obvious difficult consequences of pregnancy where there is questioned paternity. And, I understand. I have compassion for that reality. But, that 'difficulty' will never be valid reason to lie to her child, or to the man who is the biological father, and/or lie to a man that it not the father.

She knew it as, either, a certainty that you were the father of her child or, at a minimum, she knew that paternity was in question. Either way, she was responsible and accountable to engage paternity testing as soon as possible after your daughter was born. At that point, she was should have notified you, in some responsible manner, if the results proved out that you were, or you likely were the father of her child.

I don't have to know your daughter's mother personally to understand that she acted selfishly and made choices to avoid the difficulty that comes with unintended pregnancy and/or questioned paternity. She chose to protect 'herself' above the birthright of her own child, and above your right to be notified that you'd become a parent, or that your DNA was being requested in order to prove out or disprove paternity. *I'm assuming that you have, since, gotten a paternity test done, and are not relying on the basis of you and your daughter 'looking alike' to suffice as proof.

Your daughter is dealing with a burden that is unimaginably difficult to process. There is no instruction for how to correctly handle the aftermath created in the wake of the choices by your daughter's mother. What is correct for one situation may not be correct for anther. We all really just have to figure it out as we make our way. Correct may not always be evident in these situations because so many people's lives can end up in cataclysmic shift as a direct result of the lies that the mother chooses.

But, was is clearly evident is that you are leading with respect and concern for your daughter's well-being. That, and taking care of yourself are top priority. My personal opinion is that your choices, based on what you shared, at least, are not only correct for your situation, but show incredible caring for your daughter, as well as emotional maturity on your part.

I can only tell you that as the daughter of a 'mother' who lied to me my entire life -five decades, she, also, lied to her husband -he still does not know that I am not his daughter, (and I am his sole caregiver. He's too destitute and frail to handle the truth. Talk about a 'mind job' to sort through, for me). . then, my mother commits the ultimate transgression, as if her decades of selfish choices were not already beyond the pale, by taking my birthright to her grave; I can tell you that I would give pretty much anything to just know my father's name, to be able to look my father in the eyes, just once, to feel a connection, or maybe not...to, perhaps, see a resemblance or a familiar mannerism, or other trait. Just to have 'one' opportunity to know who he was.

I share the above because as the daughter of a father I never got to meet, or know in name; I believe your daughter absolutely wants to know you, and desires to have a relationship with you. It's in our very DNA to want to know our biological parents. What other explanation is there for the desperate search by so many throughout time?

Your daughter's gotta figure out, on her own terms, what a relationship with her father looks like and means. I believe she's just in such a wildly difficult position. Unfortunately, I can imagine the intense emotions she must feel toward her mother, or, maybe, worse, the anger she is pushing down and in denial about, regarding what the choice to lie to her indicates about her mother's core. Your daughter is working through so much. Don't give up on her.

I cringe thinking about the women who get away with this unconscionable lie. It happens a lot. For those of us who are victimized by this 'should be a' crime, there are many who live their whole lives in a lie. I will never regret seeking out the truth and finding it. I'm solid and possess courage that my 'mother' could have never noticed or understood about me, much less contributed to. I'm grateful to my father, whoever he was, for who I am. I think it's very possible that my father and I would have had a great relationship if the opportunity had not been so selfishly stolen away.

Keep affording your daughter the room to figure out how to do this, while continuing to let her know that you'll always be there for her. You both so deserve that connection.

Warm regards, and wishing you peace and continued strength.

Nov 28, 2016
25 years of Lies. Now no one wants to be accountable!
by: Justin

The man I was told all my life was my father turned out not to be true. We'll call him C. I found out at age 25 when I was in the Navy. I'm 32 now. C also served in the Navy for 25 years and was born and raised in NC where I'm from. He barely called and was never really around during my childhood because of extra drama with my mother plus he was all over the place (deployment and being stationed at multiple military bases around the US). He would come home around the holidays and those were the only times I physically saw him. FASTFORWARD... I got my girlfriend (now my wife) pregnant in '06 so I joined the military in '07. Once I started serving my relationship with C went to a whole new level for the better. In his eyes I was no longer a knucklehead because I was making "grown man" moves and followed in his footsteps. When I went off to boot camp and training for my job in the Navy my daughter was born in NC. So C got to meet his grand daughter and got close with wifey. During this time my wife questioned C asking why wasn't he in my life. He said he always had his doubts I was his son because for many years he was told that he was sterile and he never bore children with his wife. When I was 8 he stop paying child support to demand a paternity test. Once everyone was summoned to court the judge would not give him one because my mother attested his request and the judge had to rule in her favor because he signed my birth certificate and didn't contest when I was born. Late 2009 C loss his older brother and he wanted to create a will for himself that I would be included in but before he did he asked me for a paternity test (C has money... He gets a military retirement check, Veterans disability compensation and he works for the government in DC). He was in Maryland, I was stationed in Texas. We used DDC (the company that does DNA tests for the Maury show and Paternity Court). In January 2010 the results came back 0%. He's not the father. At first I didn't inform my mom of what was going on because she always said C was my father so I obeyed him and did what he asked. Once I got the results I called her to tell her the news and got fussed out. She said I went behind her back, messed up my inheritance, and fell for C's lies and manipulation. She felt that C could've gotten anyone to swab their mouth in his place to trick us all. When I had to do my part of the DNA test they checked my ID, took my picture, made me sign several documents and swabbed my mouth. So i felt everything was completely legit. But mom gave me another guys name who she was messing around the same time. We'll call him M. M was cheating on his wife and already had a family when I was conceived (I'm the product of an affair). She claimed I looked nothing like him, he was 6'3 while I was only 5'11(God could've at least made me 6 feet even or something lol), and he wasn't a good person so I shouldn't go searching for him. M was also a military man and served in the Army for 4 to 5 years. Weeks later she claimed that M saw me at Lowe's (the job I worked before enlisting in the military) and contacted my mom saying "are you sure Justin isn't my son because I have a daughter that he resembles a lot." She denied it and blew him off. I found out later (2014-2015) that M asked about me when I was a newborn, age 15, and age 21 working for Lowe's. She denied it every time. I trusted my mom and had faith that she would have my back through it all but she started getting messy and wanted to avoid the subject all together totally leaving me in the dark. She even brainwashed my grandmother (who I cherish dearly) and grandma sided with her saying "you know C is your dad" and "stop living in the past, forgive and move on." The latter was good advice except it was based on BS. So this also damaged my relationship with the rock of the family my granny! This was all around 2010-2011... FAST FORWARD TO 2014. Im no longer in the military (got out in 2012 after 5 years of service.) C sues my mother because she wouldn't communicate with him either. He got the courts in NC to issue another DNA test (still 0%), had his name removed from my birth certificate, and mom had to pay all court fees. C wasnt eligible to get back over 90K in child support (supposedly) because of statues of limitations. Once the case was closed C stopped communicating with me. His loss because I'm a good one. My mom's lawsuit caused even more animosity between us and communication is broken. She's even turned most of the family against me. Around this time I looked up M's information online and found the name of his daughters and found them on Facebook. Then I saw the pics of M and his daughters and we all resemble very much. Even our children favor each other a lot. But M wants nothing to do with me. I've actually communicated with the "sisters" and they even say I look a lot like their father. They've even reached out to him about it and he's still blows everything off. M didn't want them to have anything to do with me. I'm crushed to the very depths of my soul!!! Yeah its been over 6 going on 7 years but how can you possibly forgive and move on with your life when your closest relatives continue to lie and deny the truth to your face habitually. My mom's famous quote is "I've given it to God!" That's her cop out... her get out of jail for free card! Now she personally doesn't have to be accountable. And that doesn't sit well with me at all. I'm a good man, son, husband and most importantly father of 4 children and on top of all that I served my country but that holds no weight in my situation. I now live in ATL and haven't been back to NC since 2009. I'm Done communicating with all of them. Anyone going through the same situation stay prayed up! Keep fighting the good fight. I give you my blessings

Nov 26, 2016
FYD Wisdom
by: To Mike

Mike you have no idea the shock and pain that your daughter is dealing with. She has been misled by the people she was supposed to be able to trust and she probably knew something was amiss her whole life. She is not telling them to avoid more conflict and turmoil in her current torrent of emotions, that range from confusion, depression, rage, and her sense of self. Who she thought she was, has been destroyed. The best part is when you realize you built the self that is you and it is handed to you by name, blood line, religion, or any other label that is placed upon you as a child. My advice to you is to write an email to her explaining your ignorance to her feelings. I didn't meet my father until I was 26 years old, and there is no better feeling than hanging out with a stranger that knows what your going to say before you say it. There is a comfort around meeting your parent no matter how bad the situation or reason for the separation. You will be able to spend a lot of time with your daughter if you handle it correctly, and let her adjust to this nuclear bomb that just destroyed everything she thought she knew about who she was, and her sense of self. If you would like to talk I am available at extkking@gmail.com. I wish you all the best!!


Nov 24, 2016
My Daughter
by: Mike

Well I found my daughter on FB by looking at an old girlfriend's page..just by looks.She is now 32 years old and did not know. I told her, her Mom left me and got married, she gave birth soon after. We do have a relationship..Christmas and outing...she however hides this from her dad and mom..This hurts me to the core, I told her how I feel and now we haven't talked in over a year.I really do feel like I am nothing in her life,and this I will live with for the rest of my life.She has no real feelings for me..its her way or the highway. Any advise?

Oct 19, 2016
Family wrecker
by: KayCee

I too am a product of a vasectomy. My dad told me it may have been a botched one , so I still don't know for sure. I look a lot like him. He said that after having the vasectomy he had problems in that area his whole life. So I still am not sure. It should be easy because I was conceived on my mother's birthday Dec. 19th my birthday Sept. 19th anyway I do know that at one point he did not believe her because it caused a 19 year divorce. I say that because they remarried. However those nineteen years were horrific. He kept my two brothers and two sisters and my mother was miserable. She became a binge drinker. Every holiday she stayed drunk for a week. I got blamed for her not being with her other children when this happened. Oh yes it all came out. From the time I was born until adulthood I pretty much took care of myself, and her. Somehow they found one another again and remarried after five children's lives had been ruined. I found out later that my brothers and sisters had gone through the same life. They became Christians and shared fifteen wonderful years together. But when I asked the all important question I never got a true answer. I would rather have known. So....

Oct 11, 2016
To Not Alone
by: Anonymous

Just like you, I felt stuck. I went to two counselors, and the best description I could come up with was I felt stuck!!! I'm one year & four months from hearing my dad (who passed away) might not have been my biological father. I have not had a DNA test yet, and I don't know if I will. For me, it was the pure fact that my mother had lied to me until I was 50, and then she only told because she thought someone else was going to tell me first (because she's deaf and paranoid, but that's a whole other thing). I have found that I feel no guilt about taking care of myself and my family first. My counselors encouraged me to talk to my mother about what her revelation had done to me, and this past May, I did that. I became a little more unstuck when I did that. Instead of holding the ball in my court and feeling shocked, betrayed, horrible, sad, angry, I put the ball back in her court where it belonged. That helped me let go of some of the stuck-ness. Give yourself time. You will not be the same again (how could you?), but you will feel like functioning again and it won't dominate your every thought. My mother and I have a different relationship now, but I'm okay with that. I hope you find your new normal in time.

Oct 09, 2016
"Stuck is okay" Continued
by: Anonymous

My apologies. My comment above did not post in full. Here's the remainder:

As you move further in the process, the realizations that the devastation, betrayal, and shock could have been, at least, some amount mitigated if only those with the information of paternity had just done the right thing, had just been honest, had just shared that information when we were at an appropriate age. She/they had the ability to choose that, but she/they didn't.

A decision-making process that leads to consensual intercourse is not breadth and depth of an individual's character. However, the decision-making that leads to systematically lying, (no matter the reason for lying), and withholding a child's birthright, robbing them of their ability to know their father...THAT is inextricably tied to character.

I don't know to a certainty, yet...But, I choose to believe that as a result of a growing sense of courage and self-efficacy, (traits I figure I received via my father's DNA), about this monumental life-challenge; I will completely break free of the stuck and increase momentum toward "I’m okay. I'm good." as I make my way.

I don't know the details of how you came to find out about your biological father. But, I know that you will experience a kind of post traumatic growth from the shock, stuck, and then, finally, move forward. It takes time. The time it takes is probably different for everyone. I’m sort of on that whole, ‘one step forward, one step back. Then two steps forward, one step back…you get the idea. I’m making progress. I have more good days than bad, now. I’m grateful for that. I’ve learned a lot about myself, as well as people in general that has been of undeniable value-add through this. You will be benefactor in various ways…. You will be able to support and encourage someone else going through the same 'stuck'.
The journey is beyond difficult for the vast majority of people dealing with this. Those that maintain it's not either have not experienced it, or are practicing denial and not being honest with themselves about the far-reaching impact.

Take care of yourself. Eat well. Get adequate sleep. Surround yourself with supportive people. Don't let the stuck keep you from doing the things that bring you peace and joy. It’s more critical than ever for you to maintain some kind of balance.

You'll be better adaptable and adjusted by targeting the lion's share of your energies on 'YOUR' well being.

When the information regarding your biological father was knowingly withheld from you, nothing in your life could be, will ever be more about you, 'just' you, than this.

Be well, friend.

Oct 09, 2016
"Stuck" is okay.
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry for the shock you are experiencing. It's a cataclysmic shift of reality. I got my lab report over a year ago. I still have a lot of 'stuck' days.

I've come to accept that sense of 'stuck' is a big part of this journey. Dealing with/coping with that sense of stuck becomes a little less consuming over time. You will begin to process this shock little by little. You WILL, in time, start to feel a sense of momentum in getting on with it -your new reality. Don't rush it. Take your time. Your feelings, how this impacts 'your' life is the priority. Someone/'anyone' tries to influence you to the contrary, that you should 'just get over it', 'you have/had a great dad, even if he wasn't your biological father', or 'move on and be grateful for the family you have -blood or no blood'...You know, empathy-void stuff like that? Well, respectfully, firmly tell them that until and unless they have experienced what you are experiencing, you are less inclined to consider their advice about how you should deal with YOUR circumstances.

Everything you share about how it feels is exactly how it feels. It's sickly stunning to me how many of us there are finding out that our father is not our biological father. This is not new phenomena. Women have been conceiving in questioned paternity, as well as the not-at-all-questioned-no-way-he-is your father but I'm not telling him that, since dawn of man.

Sidebar: It's subject for another discussion, with loads of very difficult implications. But, the above is valid reason for there to be mandatory DNA testing of newborns.

While there are many varying circumstances, situations and details that have us all in this same stuck-feeling place, the common thread is that we take the devastating blow, and then we go numb for the sheer amount of cognitive and emotional information swirling in our psyches as we try to make sense of our existence up to that point. This, in tandem with all the injurious shrapnel-like epiphanies that come in the form of memory record of our lives, and the 'what now'? of the future. We are forced to scroll over these life moments/memories/what now's over and over, zoning in on them with a micro-focus that is exhaustive, due to our desperate attempt to make sense of this new reality.

The ways in which we learn the truth varies but, likely, we all share very similar sense of shock, mixed with devastating sense of betrayal by people we trusted. For me, the unregenerate betrayal is what causes me the most 'stuck' feeling.

At one year and 4 months, I'm still 'stuck' in the realization that I was valued so little by her (and possibly other 'family' members) that the conscious choice was to place a priority on keeping her secret so she could avoid the 'inconvenience' of me having had opportunity to know my father.

Oct 03, 2016
Not alone
by: Anonymous

It is nice to know that I am not alone, after finding out yesterday and now reading this thread. Fortunately my father and biological father are both alive, if I need questions answered. However the sadness I feel from my father not being my biological father is deep. I love my dad so much and even though blood doesn't matter as he has done so much for me my whole life and still does, it's just disappointing. I think that is what bothers me so much. Other than that, I'm just kind of numb. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to think. I don't want to talk about it much. I know this will change. But right now, I am just stuck.

Aug 08, 2016
by: Anonymous

That sums it up. The perspective of the mother is much different than the perspective of the child. Don't try to tell those of us who were lied to for decades (I'm 52) that we shouldn't judge--that's a judgment on us. I know how I feel, and I don't care if anyone else thinks it's right or not. By reading the comments on here, most of us feel the same way about being lied to by the person we first trust and should be able to trust for our whole lives. Your core is shaken and will never be the same. You can try to justify whatever your situation is, but the fact of the matter is you slept with two men, becoming pregnant. I'm glad the person who has been a father to the child is his biological father, but it could have just as easily gone the other way--that's where most of us are. You might need another board to post on because I don't think stirring up feelings over here is doing anyone any good.

Aug 08, 2016
Self-Serving Choices versus Intent to Harm
by: Anonymous

There's a difference between the two, Annie. That said, I wish you increasing personal peace and strengthened connections as you journey.

I would find it very difficult to believe that any reasoned person would characterize or judge a woman who had a child born of an extramarital affair, etc. as 'having had an intent to do harm' to that child.

The resulting conception following the decision to have intercourse with more than one man is not premeditated, nor is there intent to do harm. To the contrary, these conceptions are typically the result of lack of forethought rather than 'intent'.

In cases where there is a child born, it is fair to theorize that a lack of forethought about potential consequences of having intercourse with more than one man in a single fertility cycle quite naturally accelerates into increasing collateral damage when the mother making decisions to avoid the difficult consequences associated.

As the child grows/matures/ages the mother's choice to continue avoidance of informing her son/daughter that there is question of paternity carries with it increasing devastation for that son/daughter. The longer the reality is maladaptively avoided by applying denial, the longer the secret is kept the worse the aftermath for the child/adult child.

Still, many mother's roll the dice in hope that they will never have to face what they fear will be a "judgment" of them. That becomes more a determinant in the choice to maintain a facade, than her consideration of what it will mean for her child when they find out, one day, that the dad they believed was their dad is not, in fact, their biological father.

As difficult as it is on the mother, it becomes infinitely more difficult to her child/adult child who did not have any choice in her decision, and further is not told and/or is systematically lied to about their biological father, or there being a question about paternity.

In the aftermath, an individual is kept from the choice to know his/her father. It's an unconscionably self-serving avoidance of a difficult truth by the mother, and anyone else who might know her secret and choose to protect that secret to maintain her (or their) comfort level, over choosing some amount of mitigation of the devastation that a child/adult will experience in the wake of realization that they have been lied to about who their father is/was -sometimes for decades of their life.

Clearly, this reality of questioned and out right falsehoods predicated about paternity by a mother, (and even a non-biological father), happens more than we would want to consider.

Obviously, it is a beyond difficult circumstance for a woman to face the reality that she does not know, for certain, who the father of her child is. Asserting that she was not forced to have intercourse she is accountable for determining paternity as soon as is possible. Yes. That's going to be a very stressful, very difficult process. But, she is still accountable to see that process through in a timely manner.

In cases where paternity testing was not accessible and there is the assumption that the woman consented to having had intercourse with more than one man, she is still accountable to inform her child that there is questioned paternity, and to inform at an appropriate age.

It's reasonable to suggest that there is no excuse for an individual in their 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's to experience the unimaginable shock and the life-altering after math of finding out that they were kept from their birth right, for decades, by their mother and/or other family members.

For many children/adult children born from these circumstances, their mother's decision to withhold that information culminates to the death of their biological father before they ever had an opportunity to even know their name, much less have the choice of whether to pursue meeting them. This unconscionable position for that child/adult child is the result of priority placed on hiding the truth to avoid hardship/consequences associated with conception occurring outside a marriage/marriage equivalent.

The decision to avoid the question of paternity, or to lie about paternity is a self-serving choice in the vastest majority of cases. Period. It's inarguable and not subject to attempts to divert that accountability by inferring that others lack compassion, are judging, or are haters.

It's not about an "intent to harm". No one believes that a woman sets out to conceive in question regarding who the father of her child is. Of course not. What it is, absolutely, about is a mother's accountability to place her child's well-being ahead of her own discomfort in facing questioned paternity. To lead with a spirit of courage, respect, love, and dignity in the face of her hardship...To face the difficulty of questioned paternity swiftly. And, above all, make decisions that reflect her belief in her child's birthright to know who their biological father is.

Aug 07, 2016
...became simpler
by: It's complicated

I posted earlier our story - the DNA test is back, and the dad who helped raise my son is his bio dad. So there's that.

Which of course, will not stop those who feel the need from passing their own judgment. I'm going to turn the notifications off.

My family hasn't judged me for any of this - but then, they know and love me. They're also kind, intelligent, compassionate people. The reason I was able to open up to my son was because with much work, I was able to become kind and compassionate to my self, rather than judgmental, preachy or hateful.

Please be the same to yourselves and to everyone in your family who is going through this, no matter how it turns out. We are all human, we are not the only ones who go through this - it does not make anyone better or worse than anyone else.

If you believe someone did what they did with the intent of hurting you, show them compassion - and don't hurt them back. Don't hate them. Don't hate yourself.

Blessings and peace out.


Aug 06, 2016
Sideline Father
by: Anonymous

Dear Sideline Father,

You have a difficult situation. I believe your son should know the truth, is he 16 now? Difficult years, but is there ever a good time for life changing information? From your post, it appears the mother understands the monumental challenges ahead. I certainly do not have the wisdom to offer a solution, just a few thoughts.

My daughter was told the truth when she was 12 and she said it hurt. The understatement of her life. Do you jump in and change who they know and love? Is your son’s relationship with his father a good one? I absolutely know you want to be in his life, I know. Has the mother told this man the truth?

Refocus a moment. Your actions are for his "life" and the remainder of yours, including your daughters. You did say, you wanted to put your son first, a powerful intention. Try and be balanced and act with compassion. This will be the first lesson when you meet as father and son. Compassion is for all involved. What of your daughters? Do they know? Will this change their view of you? Yes, I believe they should know the truth also. You didn’t mention a spouse. The same thoughts and questions are critical for that relationship.

The secret has affected many lives, as you know. Some may not weather the emotional storm as you might hope. Whatever happens, hold dear the good moments that come your way. Find a vision that is well above your personal hopes and desires. This will give you strength for the turbulent times ahead. You must have a positive impact. Be patient and when it’s your time, act with honor, dignity, and compassion.

For you and those around you, I wish you well.

Aug 06, 2016
Can't keep watching from the sidelines
by: The Father

I thought she was my girlfriend, turned out that she had two boyfriends. She married the other guy. Shortly after I found out that she was pregnant so I asked her if the child was mine she said no. I really didn't believe her but had no power to make her allow me a dna test. Years went by with no contact as she moved and I couldn't find her anywhere. One day I skip traced her on a few web sites and found her name on a licensing board's website. I left a message on the number I found and she later called me back. I said, do know why I am looking for you? She replied, because you didn't want your son to turn eight before you saw him. I was shocked, she actually admitted it. But as fast as she did she recanted saying he has a Father, but said there was a possibility that I could be as well. That was 8 years ago, since then I have sat on the sidelines from afar watching him grow up. I've bought him things like toys, a computer and such but I've allowed his life not to be disrupted with this life changing information. I love him dearly and would do anything to be in his life but I also love enough to let him get through his childhood in peace. She's given me pictures and I have told my family because I want them to know even if I can't tell him. I don't want to take him away from anyone in his life just because this secret had been kept away from him, his dad and family. This week the mother finally committed to a dna test. He looks just like me almost like a mirrored image. I know he's my son but this test is for her so she can stop using it against this situation. The results will be back next week. What we do from there honestly I don't know. After reading all these post I fear for what he'd go through. He has sisters that he doesn't know, aunts, uncles, a grandmother who he met at a meeting the mother arranged introducing us as friends. My Mother is very sick and wanted to see him just in case. I want my son...... I just don't know how this will turn out but it's more about him. What about his dad, wow..... she just should have been honest with us all from the start.

Aug 05, 2016
I know the truth...
by: Rob

I am one of the commenters above who was in shock, disbelief, turmoil, confusion, etc....

However, my table has turned. I am proud to say that I have confronted the man who I thought was my father for 36 years. I talked to him about it and told him I wanted to do a paternity test.

He was reluctant at first, but then agreed.

I am happy to say that he the test came back saying that he was indeed my father!! Everything went away.

To anyone reading this that is afraid to confront whoever they feel they need to confront, please do so. Remember you only live one. Knowing is awesome.

Aug 05, 2016
So Lost
by: Anonymous

Which last name will you or did you use for your children. This is something I struggled with. What is my real name as I had to birth certificates when I found out at 25. I ended up keeping the name of the father that raised me and the name I built a life to create. The people that raised you are the ones on whom you can depend. For those of us in this situation, we could have ended up in foster care or worse if it wasn't for the family that raised us...........blood or not.............
It's very hard, but focus on what you have instead of what you have not............

Aug 04, 2016
For Christina S.
by: Anonymous

I understand what you mean about keeping it in. Going to a counselor will help because you can tell them anything and get it out of your system. I don't live in the same town as my mother, so I told several good friends, and my husband. It's not your shame and it's your story to tell. As far as your family, blood doesn't make you family, living together, taking care of each other, loving each other--that's what makes you a family. I've known for over a year now, and if you deal with it, it does get better with time. I started taking antidepressants to help me not think about it constantly, and that has helped, too. Also helped me knowing that there are other people dealing with it. Take care of yourself. It's not fair, and it hurts, but you'll be okay.

Aug 04, 2016
so lost
by: Christina S.

I recently discovered through Ancestry DNA that my father who raised me is not my biological father...I am pretty sure he thought he was though
my father who raised me died in 2008 and my grandparents (his parents) pretty much raised me most of my life (mom left when I was 14)
Turns out the man that is my biological father has several relatives in the DNA Network on ancestry so I was able to figure out who my biological father was... my mother confirmed his name too in a phone conversation.. she swore up and down she didn't think it was this guy that she thought for sure it was my dad... Well now my heart is broken.. all I've ever known was this side of my family..and now I know the truth..they aren't even my family ?! I look in the mirror and do not even understand what i'm looking back at anymore.?!?! I located my bioloigical father and he is in prison in California 3000 miles away... it feels like I'm living a nightmare and I'm waiting to wake up... :( I cant tell my grandparents they are in there 80's and it would kill them .. hate having to keep this all in.

Aug 04, 2016
Books that help
by: FYDWisdom

Read "Man's Search for Meaning"
by Dr Viktor E Frankl. There are great lessons in the book for people in traumatic life circumstances.

Jul 19, 2016
Let's agree. No excuses.
by: Anonymous

I get really offended, as a woman, by women who make excuses about their accountability to inform their son/daughter that they need to consider DNA testing to prove paternity.
The details that go along with this conversation are up to that mother. How much she chooses to share about the circumstances whereby she became pregnant are really no one’s business. But, that said, she does have the responsibility to inform her son/daughter about who their father is.

Biology works the same way it has since the dawn of man and conception.

Let's make this simple, shall we? It's not about 'you’, as a woman, believing/or feeling reasonably certain that you know who the father of your child is. Here is how is should work:
If you, as a fertile woman, have had intercourse with more than one man in the course of 4 weeks’ time, there SHOULD BE doubt in your reasoning about paternity. Therefore, because there SHOULD BE doubt when intercourse has occurred with more than one man on same day, same week, engaged in intercourse with one man on Sunday, then another the following Sunday, had intercourse with one man on Friday and then another man two Friday's later, etc.. (And, again, in the vastest of vast majority of cases where intercourse has occurred, the woman is aware of said intercourse occurring); She has the responsibility to assume that a paternity test is necessary.
I'm a woman. I have children. It's not about judging a woman's choice to have sex when and with whom she chooses. This is about making invalid excuses in face of sound science that regards conception.
As someone who is journeying through the unimaginable betrayal of a mother that had the moral responsibility to inform me as to who my biological father was/or to, at least, inform that there is doubt, based on the science that she had intercourse with more than one person in short time frame (which includes up to a months time, because that time frame represents a single fertility cycle -28 days); I find the excuses offered by these mother's unconscionable.
It's so offensive to read. "I didn't know". "I thought I knew". "It never occurred to me that he wasn't your father". Enough!

You know that you had intercourse with more than one person. Deal with your accountability. You didn't do what you should have done -Find out, for sure, so that the burden of your choices does not wind up on the shoulders of your beloved son or daughter.

Further, when you find out that the father of your son/daughter is not who they believe is their Father...Tell them the truth. And tell them at an appropriate age. It is their right to know. Don't offer excuses. Just be honest with them. That shows good intent, respect and love.

Lying to your child, and lying to yourself when you know you had intercourse with more than one person is, just, selfish.

Jul 19, 2016
Culpability... Facing the truth in order to heal.
by: Anonymous

"It isn't up to me to decide where he takes this from there, who he tells and when."

No. Your son journeying through this/sharing this shocking news is NOT up to to you, now, thankfully. Likely in the vast majority of these cases there existed years of opportunity to thoughtfully, respectfully honestly inform their child? The decision not to inform, or to wait way too long before giving that information to its rightful owner (the child) speaks for itself.

It is MOST CERTAINLY 'up to the Mother' when she makes the decision to withhold her son/daughter's birth right. At a minimum, there is accountability on the part of that mother in providing a name of the father, (or possible father's) of her child at a point in that son/daughter's lives whereby they possess adequate emotional maturity to cope, in as healthy way as-is-possible, with the devastating, spirit-shattering shock that comes in the wake of finding out about a lie so huge that it leaves gargantuan doubt -in the form of a sink hole- where your trust used to be.

Let's just put our big pants on and face it: In the vast majority of cases whereby an individual finds out that the father they have known is not their biological father, and they come to this realization via some route of information OTHER THAN the only way it SHOULD occur - i.e. via that mother personally taking responsibility for her choices, and communicating that birth right information honestly and as accurately as she can, placing her child's well-being ahead of her own -of which THAT spirit is the very bedrock of maternal nature-There is a 'mom' who traded her self-imposed sense of shame, her guilt, her faulty, self-centered reasoning in for that of placing her child in one of, if not the most, vulnerable position the human psyche could ever experience. Just read the pain of those who have been lied to, here. It’s BIG, BIG pain.

Your child was completely, utterly dependent upon 'your' discernment. And impacted by that decision-making more that 'you' could ever be. Again, in the vast majority of cases, just like here; what we are typically finding is a mother choosing to hide the most critical information we can have as a human being: "Where did I come from?" In most cases, it's Not that the mother chose to hide this information' because she felt her child was in physical or psychological danger of abuse from the biological father. No. Because, certainly, hiding the truth for that reason, asserting that giving that information puts the child/adult child at risk of harm by the bio-father (and not convenient fabrication designed to justify selfishness) is valid.

What we see on this page, for the most part, deals with many people who have found out, not through their mother's, that they are the child of a man they never knew/never knew existed. And 'as' devastating: The Father they believed was their biological dad is not related to them biologically.

IT'S A HUGE DEAL. Let's not pretend otherwise.

However well-meaning the intent is to attempt to advise these victims, of a very specific kind of betrayal that, "Well. You had/have a great father even though he is not your biological father, and you just need to move on and "get over it", and "just forgive your mother" is to shock and betray a person who is living this experience ALL OVER AGAIN. Please be mindful. Don't do that.

I'm not saying that there is not hope for some kind of recovery/resolve that comes at some point in this journey, for betrayed sons/daughters, that will give way to a new norm in the relationship with their parent who chose to lie, to hold, unto themselves, a secret of this magnitude for the purpose of living more comfortably with the truth. I'm just encouraging those who comment here to be thoughtful not to marginalize the kind of devastation you will likely never be able to empathize with, that comes in the wake of this kind of lie for the individual getting this news and trying desperately for it not to wreck their sense of themselves, sense of identity, sense of what makes them, 'them'. That ALL gets blown and scattered about upon finding out that your father is not your father.

To make matters much worse are the cases where the non-bio fathers have kept that mother's secret, too. Or, even more unconscionable, the entire family systems trained up to lie/to withhold the truth about their birth origin from that vulnerable family member who has no idea that they are being victimized by their loved ones.

They never knew that they needed to protect themselves from 'their parent' or other loved one's. Why would they ever think that they would need to protect themselves?

When a mother makes the decision (and she does indeed make the decision) to withhold what is the ultimate, critical information that a human being is entitled to; She makes that decision based on 'her' sense of fear of being judged by others. It's a selfish reason to choose to betray. That's irrefutable. Can't we just speak that truth, first and foremost? Haven't the lies done enough damage? If we can't call it what it is, how in the world can we move on to a healthier relationship? Healthy relationships are grown from honestly and the developing trust that is born from it. We gotta be honest about why, in most cases, a mother chooses to lie. To protect ‘herself’.

Let me show you: "If my own Mother, the one I should be able to trust more than anyone, would choose to lie to me about where I originate from...What human being exists that I can place my trust in? See how that works?

If you're a mom that has chosen to lie about your child's birth origin, or procrastinated telling them well past the time when they became emotionally mature enough to begin to cope with that news; you’re culpable for creating, in them, a potential break down in their capacity to trust. This consequence, however unintended on your part, can/will negatively impact the entire scope of the relationships they choose (or don't choose -for lack of trust) ongoing. But, there should be acknowledgment of the mom that finally chooses to do the right thing and tell her son/daughter about their bio-father. There’s more hope for those parent/child relationships whereby a mother’s divulging the information, however late in their child’s life it may be, is the route in which the child finds out. When a child/adult child finds out that their father is not their bio-father, through any other means, the shock often times wrecks their perspective, their ability to have appropriate trust in others. It’s just incomprehensible,if you have not experienced it. And, no matter how hard it was for you to face an unintended pregnancy; Your hardship could never remotely resemble or compare to the burden you have placed on your son, your daughter by withholding the information that regards ‘who they are’ biologically and, also, psychologically (in that we inherit about half of the ‘who that we are’ -aka our personality- from DNA).

Knowing who one’s biological mother and father are is an individual’s birth right. We need to hold that right, whenever possible, as sacred.

Jul 19, 2016
For Chris
by: Anonymous

I found out a little over a year ago that my dad "might" not be my biological dad. It's taken every bit of that year, along with counseling and antidepressants, to get me sort of back to normal. I was angry with my mother, but I finally got to the point where I was tired of being angry, so for my own peace of mind, I had to tell my mother what her secret had done to me. I put the ball back in her court where it belonged. At this point, I have no desire to take a DNA test or anything like that. I just want my peace and joy back. I wish the same for you.

Jul 17, 2016
For Chris
by: Anonymous

It's a tough call. You said your wife did the detective work with your mum, so she knows. How does she feel? She is your confident and I know of no one else who would support you like her. I guess the question is, do you want to meet your half brother and sister? Delicate situation. They may know nothing of you and their father's other child. I would still want some kind of contact with your siblings. Think about this and be patient. Search the web (if you haven't already) and look in social media for photos. After that I do not have an answer. Every situation is slightly different and all the things that were unsaid in your post may sway the decision. Chris, I support your search and every one of the questions you have been thinking. I wish I could have been more help. Have you opened your heart towards your siblings? If not, your business is not finished. Don't hesitate. However, your action must be from love.

Jul 14, 2016
I'm 42 and have just found out my dad is not my biological father
by: Anonymous

2 days ago I discovered that my dad was not my biological father, my dad past away just over 2 years ago and when visiting my mum recently with my wife and children we noticed a picture in a frame of a man we didn't know, my wife asked who it was and my mum said it was just someone she knew a long time ago and we didn't think anymore about it. On the next few visits the photo wasn't out until 2 days ago and again I thought nothing of it until later that night my wife had told me she looked closely at the photo when we were out of the room during our weekly visit and took a picture of it on her phone. My wife had nipped out later that night to what she said was her mums but in fact she went back to my mums to asked her about the photo and then my mum broke down and told her that the man was my biological father! She met him 3 years after she married my dad and started an affair, my dad found out and thought it was over but in fact it continued again because they were in love and soon after I was conceived and the affair carried on for 20 years. My mum never left my dad as being a Catholic this was not allowed!!! My mum said she doesn't know if my dad knew he wasnt my biological father but thinks he might have because their sex life was non existent! I never met my biological father but apparently he came to see my mum and me everyday until I was able to talk and might start asking questions! After 20years the affair ended, my biological father has 2 children from when he was married while he was having the affair with my mum apparently his wife was not interested in him after their children were born and she or the kids no knew nothing of the affair or me. So I also have a half brother and sister! My biological father also died a few years ago apparently and so I will never get to meet him. I have never had a loving and affectionate relationship with my mum and dad and didn't particularly have a happy childhood but I know they loved me as I did them. I didn't want for anything materialistic. This has come as a complete bombshell and I have no idea what to do or how to feel! I have a beautiful wife and 4 children who I worship and I have a very loving and affectionate with, apparently that is how my biological father was as my other dad was the stereotypical male chauvinist!

Any advice would be much appreciated.



Jul 06, 2016
Pain from the lies
by: Anonymous

I also share the same story as most people and my story has ruined me for the past 25 years. I am now 44 years old. I was raised by a very controlling , verbally abusive man who I thought was my dad until I was 19. I then found out a man that I knew that lived only a few miles from where I grew up was my biological father. I also found out that 3 girls I had gone to school with were my sisters.
What makes this even worse is that I had dated one of them and had sex with her. You cannot begin to imagine the shame and guilt that I carry to this day. I'm known in that little small town as the guy that screwed his sister.
This is all because of the BIG lie and secret that my mom kept from me. When I confronted her she denied it at first but finally admitted to it. I am severely damaged from the lies. I have MAJOR trust issues in my relationships. I have little to no self esteem . I have abandonment issues.
I have been to several therapists over the years and it has done no good. I guess this pain will be with me for the rest of my life.

Thanks a lot mom

Jul 06, 2016
Finding Family
by: Anonymous

You do find the positive in these very difficult family situations. You have given me inspiration. Thank you so much. I wasn't sure what to do and your words came at the perfect time (as they always seem to do, when you are in a dark night).

Jun 28, 2016
Dear Late In The Game
by: I wish you were my mother

Thank you for your post, it is refreshing to see you speak with honesty, the fear you explain as to why you hid this seems realitively honest, the realization, and importance of your sons feelings seem now to be put above yours in the finding his true heritage, birthright, important medical history that could, in the future even save his own child or grandchild from a possible undetected irreversible sickness, the acknowledgment of your mistakes, also, the honesty you explain about it now being about your sons feelings, allowing him to have those feelings and giving him the control of it which is rightfully his birth right that belongs to him not you.., and that you acknowledged to him your error, your remorse, apologies, and that you will be there to help him with whatever you know to find his birthright. , this is not only unselfish, but of forgiving nature, and is very admirable and giving, the fact that you offered help in finding and giving him his right to have contact with his other half if HE so chooses. Finally, relinquishing the control you held on to, and, being open to forgiving yourself.
Most mothers, including mine, have decided to continue the selfish role of "control" over their now adult child, stealing their child's birthright, their own child's, grandchildren, even great grand child's birthright and bio family history. A good mother would go hungry so her child could have the last morsle of food? What kind of mother eats it and will watch her child go hungry. This goes way back to birth folks, This is what detiguishes a real mother with love for their child rather then from a mother who just gave birth. hiding and blaming the (victim of decite )marking them as the villain Causing the problem in "THEIR " life's happiness with the extended family, or still so fearful and selfish for "THEIR" own benefit. How sad..... To me, that's not a loving parent, and most definatly is incapable of loving her child,..... It's more in the line of them still contollling their child and abusing them further. (I wish your words were from my mother. for my mother....is just a woman that gave birth to me......, I have finally came to terms that she is a manipulative narrsistic game player still gas lighting and lieing gossiping and causing family fights using triangularzation for her own benefit, sending out her flying monkeys to try to retrieve me back into my role she has placed me in, to hide her added decite still unfounded by the others. However, I have excepted this to be a toxic relationship full of lies and decite with the feelings of no love from a parent that I am emotionally incapable of being part of. No Thank You. For this would be giving up my true self. How many loving mothers who have made a life changing error acknowledge it, make it right,and post on here? Signed, I wish you were my mother.

Jun 27, 2016
Finding Family
by: Anonymous

Just this past year, I found out through two DNA tests that my father that I grew up with was not my biological father as well. I found out two years after he died. My father that I grew up with died a year before. When I confronted my mother, she first denied it but then opened up about the truth. I found this out right after I found out that I had a half brother that she gave up for adoption. He is not related to my biological father so I got a double whammy surprise and a lot of overwhelming emotions. I mean a lot of overwhelming emotions.

Based on what my mother went through when she was in her twenties, I don't blame her cheating on my father. My parents divorced by the time I was 19. My dad left my mother for a younger woman lived halfway across the US. I blamed my mother for him leaving her for many years. I went through some really hard times and felt I had no where to go. That would have been a good time for her to tell me about my biological father, who had a daughter (my sister) who died at 17 and felt he could never have any more children because of this hard loss. I later came to find that he would have searched me out had he known about me. Now, the dad I grew up with was and will always be considered my dad but I really would have wanted to know my biological father or at least had that opportunity. I missed out. That makes me upset at my mother and I have to learn to deal with these emotions.

Now I'm one to make a positive out of all of this. I found out by accident about all this. A month ago, I connected with two biological aunts and cousins. It was an amazing experience to meet them and I learned how much I alike I am to them. I look like them, I have the same demeanor, I have similar interests and talents that I don't share with the family I grew up with. To me, I see that there are just some things that are embedded in our DNA and we can't get away from that.

I'm looking at this as it is what it is and for whatever reason, I missed out on the chance to meet my father. I'm very sad about that but I'm moving onward. I know that he and my biological sister that I never knew are looking over me from the other side. As well the dad I grew up with.

For those who find the same, take the positive out of the situation if you can and embrace it. There is no changing our parents or the past but we can make a better outlook on things and make differences from here on out in our lives.

Jun 18, 2016
Too Late in the Game
by: Anonymous

Thank you for having the courage to write from your side. I will consider your words carefully. I wish the best for all.

Jun 11, 2016
It's complicated...
by: Late in the game

I'm one of the mothers people are writing about in here. It's more complicated than you think, not an easy thing to tell your child their dad is not their bio dad. I thought I knew who my child's father was when I became pregnant, but it may be I was wrong. I was sure I knew for a good 20 years, until I got pregnant with my last child and there was something in that pregnancy (a spotting that made it seem like I was having a period and therefore, wasn't pregnant) that was similar to the first. (Yes, my first and last children are 20 years apart in age). But I didn't rush off and tell my first child that I may have been wrong about his dad being his dad. They'd had a good relationship, he was part of the family. There's also what you call a selfish fear of what people will say. 20 years later, I didn't recall the name of the boy I'd had a casual week-end with the month before going off to college and meeting my first child's dad. Those were the hippy years, and that wasn't all that unusual in our circle. I thought about this for years and years. Should I shake up my child's relationship with his dad? Why?

And maybe I was wrong. Back then, there were no easy and fairly inexpensive DNA testing you could do.

So I've done nothing, until recently, when not only did DNA testing become so easy, it became what so many people were doing that it seemed inevitable to me that someday, my son might take a DNA test and find out for himself that the dad who had raised him and who is now the granddad to his children, was not his bio dad. I could do nothing if I wanted, wait and find out.

That seems to be what half the people here are saying - the mother should NOT say anything, they wish she hadn't, she'd ruined their lives by telling them.

But - what if I had died before he did this? I suppose I could leave a sealed envelope with the info that said what I could remember about the boy who could possibly be his bio dad. And wish him (or his children) good luck if they were going to attempt to find him, although by then, the bio dad would probably also be dead.

So I elected to tell my son face to face. Which wasn't easy. And which could end our relationship, I am aware - because this is no longer about me (I used to think it was, but I am really only a side player at this point). This now is about him - and his relationship with the dad who helped raise him, and relatives he's close to from that family. It's about his name, his heritage, who half of him is, what he might feel like he is losing, or has lost, depending on the reactions of the dad he knows. It's also about the possibility, should his dad not be his dad, of a bio dad he can't find - or who is dead - or who doesn't want any contact with him.

This is a son I love dearly, despite accusations I see here from people who feel that their mothers didn't love them or care about them. We do these things, not telling, withholding info - sometimes out of fear of losing someone we love. My son is a wonderful person, and he reacted initially well. We are doing a DNA test for him, hoping results will show a kinship with descendants of his father's kin (I've done his family tree for him and tied it to that) before he says anything to his dad or the family on that side.

I'm aware although he reacted amazingly well to the news, that he's still processing this, and that this is not a simple thing for him. It is bound to open up all kinds of emotions he may not be ready for, despite the fact that he's a grown up man. This is a huge thing.

But I'd also rather be here to help in anyway I can - if it does turn out that his bio dad is someone from my past, I want to be able to offer whatever help I can for him to identify and locate him. It isn't up to me to decide where he takes this from there, who he tells and when.

It's complicated for those who find out this shocking news, and it's complicated for the parent who had the info and didn't share it. They may have thought they were protecting their child - they may have really been protecting themselves.

What caused this to happen is that we are all human. We make mistakes. Hopefully we learn from them. Most of us, most of the time, don't do what we do with the intent of harming our children, though too often we do. From my own experience as the child, I can only say it helped me greatly to learn to forgive the harm my own parent did to me - then to work on forgiving myself for the harm I've done as a parent. Hopefully my own children will forgive me - if they haven't already - for any harm I've done them.

May you all find happiness, health, strength, love and forgiveness in the process you're going through with this.

May 17, 2016
I am not alone
by: Anonymous

I haven't read all the comments, hell I skimmed the original post.

But I am not alone.

Thank You.

Apr 25, 2016
by: Anonymous

I just read all this stories and none is like mine .my dad is loving ; the best man I ever met ,his fought for me all his life and works like a donkey so that I might get the best of everything but we were both lied too .most recently we had to do a dna for an immigration benefit and we were okay .we did it after 72 hours and after the results came out he was at work and forwarded me the email. He didn't even bother to open it because he knew he was my father but to my shock they were negative when I didn't reply he knew something was wrong he read them fainted at work and called me after . I couldn't stop crying, I thought this happens in the movies. My son he said and I cried and fell to the floor and I could hear him cry which even broke my heart even more his been lied to for the last 23 years forced to bring up a son that wasn't his that's what upsets me the most he didn't deserve this and like the great man he is he told me to wipe my tears and that he doesn't believe the results and I will always be his son .we both cried over the phone for an hour not knowing what to say, my mom who I will never forgive has been lying to us all our lives and she pretended surprised but I could see underneath all the bullshit that she knew . I wanted to kill myself but I won't because of my father who I love to the moon and back but one thing is for sure my life haa been ruined by the very woman that gave me life. I wish she wasn't my mom. May my dad find peace in his heart even if I'll never find it

Apr 15, 2016
I don't know who my biological father is
by: Susan Waddleton

When I was 36 years old I was going to donate a kidney to my father, after much testing I got the devastating news that he was not my biological father. I was crushed, I could not tell the man I called dad for 36 years as he was way to sick. Unfortunately he passed 2 yrs later and I never did tell him the truth.
I couldn't ask my mother as she had died 13 yrs prior to my father.
I feel betrayed, incomplete, lost and mad as hell.
How could my mother have an affair and not tell me the truth even on her death bed. I have 2 grown children and they have a right to know their full heritage.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I'm not sure what can be done to find the truth.
Kind regards
Susan Waddleton.

Apr 11, 2016
2 years since
by: Anonymous

I discovered 2 years ago that the father i was left with as a baby wasent my father. My mother took off with someone else and i didnt see her again until i was grown up. When i was 54 she eventually told me the truth - then died a few months later. I was so angry for being lied to and as my chilhood was awful I couldnt forgive her. 2 years later I can say my anger has gone. She actually did me a favour by telling me, as for my whole life i did not fit in and didnt know why, i thought i was mad! Now though i understand and its as though all the pieces of my life fit together. I realise the reasons why things happened, why i was so different - not just in looks but also attitude and dare i say intelligence. It has been quite a painful and confusing experience but please let me reassure some in my position that it does answer a lot of questions and you can come out feeling better than you ever have. Keep strong, there are lots of us out here.

Apr 11, 2016
In the same boat
by: Ashley

I'm twenty two and 2 years ago after my mom and her ex husband, who I thought was my dad, got a divorce, she decided to spill the beans that he wasn't my father. My father wanted "nothing" to do with me and died when I was 4 from a drug overdose after being in a horrific accident and prescribed pain killers which then, took his life. I mean from what I hear he was a good person until drugs took a hold of him and then he turned into someone else. My mom's mom was murdered when she was 8 in our home town by her ex husband so my mom doesn't really have emotional attachments or sympathy. I too think she is somewhat poisonous for my health but I am so empathetic that I can't avoid the fact that she is my mother even if she lied to me for years. To this day this still really bothers me and I feel as though more and more it's affecting me especially having my first child on the way and the father being well, a socio/psychopath whatever you'd like to call it. I thought he was completely different but I was wrong after getting to know him. Things are pretty messed up and I'm back living with my mom and her boyfriend whom I honestly cannot stand. I have a serious problem trusting men and my mom always says that it's my fault and I need to learn to trust people... I believe my "father" (not my real father) molested me. I had a freak out and ended up spending the night in a holding cell after I attended a festival one night, I drank too much, did too much of things I shouldn't have and let those "demons" fly wild. Telling my mom and family that I was going to kill myself, that I was molested and then found face down on a bench by police downtown after leaving my house again. Funny thing is, I don't remember any of it.. At the very least I'm glad I turned my life around but the questioning from the police and recordings of the answers I gave, I have no recollection of .. I have tried counselling and everything else but I just don't think anyone really understands and maybe it's because I don't feel comfortable enough to completely let everything out to them because people are constantly taking my parents side and saying I shouldn't be so resentful.. I am definitely way better than I was but I know exactly what you mean by spiritual journey. I feel so connected to the other side and humanity. I am generally depressed but I am shifting my thoughts and recovering. It still hurts to never see a picture of my father or to know where j came from. I thought I would share my story in hopes of feeling better and putting it out there. Thanks for listening ..

Apr 01, 2016
Let's talk 51
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

The only way to heal through the unimaginable shock and betrayal is to talk with someone who has been there. I have been dealing with this for 15 years and still have raw savage rage over being deceived by my Mom and Grandparents. But I have also had tremendous growth, compassion, and a laser focus on what really matters in life. It's not what your handed, it's what you build from it that defines who you are. This is hard! I am here if anyone needs to talk.........

Harness the intense emotions and put them to use helping sick kids.........that drastically helped me!

Mar 29, 2016
For 51
by: Anonymous

Dear 51,

I offer only a distant point of view.

You are doing very well with the life changing information you received. Simple answer, re-focus on your children and love them like there’s no tomorrow. These moments are the most valuable, so continue forward and be their foundation of love and truth. Your goodness will stick to your children and ripple trough their lives long past your time.

An observation.

There is a lot of energy burned in blocking things off….. like not talking to your mother. Even though you may feel she doesn’t deserve your time, what about you? Make good use of the time that is left.

The substance in life is searching for the truth. Through your story you have shown courage by looking into difficult questions. Do not let words unspoken restrict your understanding.

I understand regrets.

Finding your way back is certainly not beyond your capabilities.

Mar 28, 2016
by: Anonymous

My new book called "Separated Lives" is a true story about the adoption of a baby boy and years later a friend taking him on a fascinating but uncertain journey to search for his birth parents. It is available from Dorrance Publishing (in Pittsburgh, PA) www.DorranceBookstore.com, Barnes & Noble barnesandnoble.com and Amazon.com.
Author: Lynn Assimacopoulos

Mar 27, 2016
Mind blowing revelation
by: Marcia

Hi All, I am 66 yrs old and only found out three months ago that my mother lied to me all my life about who my birth father was. He is long dead now, and it is heartbreaking that I never knew him, but it is crushing not knowing for sure WHO he was. Fortunately, we have a wonderful tool available to us today in the Autosomal DNA tests which are relatively enexpensive. I took the test via Ancestry.com and had pretty good results. I was able to figure out which family I am related to, but there were three brothers (prospective candidates) and I have not yet been able to determine which of the three he was. Unfortunately, not all relatives you may find and reach out as a result of your DNA results are sensitive to "unexpected" offspring popping up in their otherwise sanguine lives. If they only knew what it feels like to be someone's dirty little secret, perhaps they would do what they could to alleviate our pain. My mother robbed me of my true identity! And believe it or not, she also did this to my brother. I'm not sure I will ever get over it. I just finished reading, "Finding Family: My Search For Roots and the Secrets In My DNA," by Richard Hill. I highly recommend it.

Mar 26, 2016
51 and told last year my dad *might* not be my biological dad
by: Anonymous

My dad died 2 years ago. I am 51. My mother called me in May and asked me to come to her house--she needed to talk to me about my birth. She tells me that she doesn't think my dad is my biological father because she had been unable to get pregnant by him for 11 years, and when she began her affair, she got pregnant. She claims my dad didn't know.

All my life, I felt different and that my parents (in particular my mother) treated me differently. While her confession answered a lot of a questions about how I felt growing up, I am angry and hurt and stuck! I've been to 2 different counselors and am on anti-depressants. I have seen my mother twice since May. I used to talk to her at least once every day, now maybe once a week. My sister has stepped up to help my mother since she lives in the same town. The only thing that keeps me involved with my mom is that she's 83 and needs help now.

To top it all off, my mother said she is still in contact with this man and he is 93!!! Whether or not it's true, she has always believed it to be true, and treated me differently. I had really gotten past all that as I became older and had kids of my own, but now my whole life is one big question to me--what is real? It's like my dad has died all over again.

My counselor said I need to talk to my mom about this--I have not talked about it with my mom since May. I don't want to hear any more secrets that she might have, and I don't want to deal with her denial b.s. she usually spouts, or have her get defensive, when I'm the one who's hurt. She only told me because she, in her paranoid way, thought "someone" was getting ready to tell me. She misheard something I said because she's deaf and hearing aids don't really work, and she thought she better tell before someone else did.

I'm stuck. I'm depressed. I don't know how to process this. Both counselors said they thought I was doing remarkably well and didn't need to see them regularly, and really, how many times can you say "my mother lied to me?" My last counselor thinks talking to my mother will help me move forward, but I don't know. I appreciate reading all the stories that sound so very similar to mine. Thanks for "listening." Glad to know others are also dealing with this craziness, but I'm also sorry.

Mar 26, 2016
by: Anonymous

At 29 I discovered a family secret: one, when looked at with hindsight, always kept family members at distance. Not only was the man that I thought was my dad never around in my childhood, he only cared to be a distanced father figure towards the end of high school and college. The divorce between my parents happened because my mom had an affair with a man who father me and my siblings. From two to thirteen, I was raised without a father. Soon after mom remarried a selfish, emotionallly rejecting step-dad. He and I did not get along. My biological father never was in my life. He legally disowned us and never reached out. When I found out, I imploded in my personal, sexual, and professional life. My friends can't help me with my emotions around this. I've driven friends away from my negativity and depression around it. The deep, insecure feelings of emotional invalidation from never having a father figure to guide me has left this deep, cavernous hole in me. My family is fragmented at this point. I don't want to reach out anymore and am numb to my family. We're not close, and no one knows how to talk about any of the tragedies we experienced growing up. I wish I could meet someone in person who has similar feelings of abandonment, emotional issues around trust, and is willing to be a friend specifically because we share a fucked-up childhood. I'm concerned I'll never meet a woman to fall in love with and shift my dysfunctional behaviors so I can one day raise a loving and supportive family.

Mar 15, 2016
could be worse. youre not alone
by: Anonymous

I suppose my story is the same while being the best case scenario (under the circumstances) for me, so i don't mean to bitch, not really. the fact that it could be much worse doesnt make it not hurt though.
I'll start by saying that my family is quite christian, very morality centered, & also extremely intellectually focused & odd. in the religious upbringing, my parents touted the family values, the value of the nuclear family, no lying, avoiding the teen pregnancies, not committing adultery, no baby-mom/dad bullshit, no step parents, divided families fighting over custodies + weekend visits etc. they praised these qualities while never claiming to be perfect, just emphasizing how much better life is upholding those values, + how glad they were to be 2 married parents w/ 4 children, open + shut, 1 simple family.
My parents had many scream fights, about as roughly as they could without actually divorcing through the years to the point i wished they WOULD divorce. i had a turbulent adolescence, no partying, but strange mental abuse, plus the hormones + huge resentments due to being stuck at home cleaning + watching baby siblings instead of being a teenager or having extracurriculars.
im now a depressed 24 yr old, been in a deep depression for over 1.5 years-i think it's the 'what is my purpose' 20's crisis. my family flies me out to visit every year. our relationship is better now that ive moved out + can miss them without living under them. my parents have become better people who im proud to call my family in these last years, + they finally seem to belong together.
i look exactly like my mother, w/ a couple traits from my father too (immune system, greasy skin,).
therefore, i was taken by absolute surprise when they decided to tell me this year that my dad is NOT my biological father..
it hit me really hard + i wasnt sure why, my mother + i always butted heads as she touted the value of blood/family + i always countered that the people you choose for your life are millionfold more valuable than blood strangers.
so i couldnt understand why i was immediately so hurt + so isolated + alone. i clung to my father crying asking dozens of questions. i figured out later that i was trying to make sure i truly always had a dad. that never at any point did he consider me less his child than the other kids. that he never once thought on the worst days: "why am i putting up w/ this when shes not even mine?" i realized thats what panicked me + fueled my nightmares thereafter. the answers my parents gave me reassured me that when he chose to be my dad that he never looked back, which is what i needed to know most. *if youre planning to drop the bomb on your kid, maybe focus on that to help them get through.*
i didnt feel angry or betrayed for the years of lies at all. i told them immediately that it was best to tell me as an adult or i would’ve been an impossible teenager. i was unhappy + i would’ve opened scary + detrimental what-if doors had i known. teenagers need to know that their parents are the only law, it's detrimental when they think they can get around parents to get what they want. it was good for me to never imagine i had 'alternatives' to the life i had, i would’ve lost my mind long ago. so, unlike some stories on here, i think my parents were correct + wise to lie to me so long, + i thanked them. i was given this information w/ love as knowledge that i deserved to have of myself, + so as to be able to see my father w/ the full understanding of what he did for us/me.
the biological person was a boyfriend in college who pushed my mother in spite of her insistence to wait til marriage.. my mother is a loving + gullible empath, when she was young she was easily manipulated. this gives me great anger toward the biological person, it may be common to fuck around in this culture, but this horrible shit happens when you fucking push people into what you want, just to get your fucking rocks off. this was a gullible innocent girl who was pushed, she wasnt prepared for promiscuity. she wasnt up on birth control w/ STD + baby contingency plans cuz she only wanted abstinence. could you not have chosen any of the other billion women EVERYWHERE willing to fuck 1-night stands + 2nd date boyfriends? leave the wait-til-marriage girls alone PLEASE.
they said it wasnt rape, i couldnt handle it if it was.. after the fact, the loser then pushed for an abortion which my mother refused, she returned to her family to do whatever she could, where my father was waiting for her; they dated years ago, he still loved her, + learning her situation he agreed to marry her + be my only dad, he said he already loved the baby inside her that was part of someone he loved so much...
this all happened before i was born, my father's name is on my birth certificate, + this biological person stopped trying to contact them after i was born, so he knows i exist.
this biological person is still alive, my mother discreetly looked him up (not contact him), he seems to her to just be any plain person, she knows the state he lives in + he has no crazy record of any kind. my mother said they never would've told me if she found out he was some crazy pervert deviant or something, i think that was good too.. she said shed do whatever i needed, if i wanted to contact him (i dont) or whatever. she said he was a medically healthy, normal guy, but she is going to look up a way for me to map out my genetic makeup to prevent surprises, thats all i want. which makes me angry all over again that this fucker has created a gigantic questionmark in my very biological makeup where there were none before. my siblings know everything about their genes just as i always thought i did, even generations' worth of ancestry. they will never need to map their genome to find out if they are genetically prone to cancer or bipolar or parkinson's. im now experiencing a new world of questions they will never have to ask; alone again.
i only hate all the doors this opened. i feel like this stupid adolescent adult 2 decades ago who wanted to get his rocks off opened up my biology to the whole wide world + any1 anywhere could be a close relative, where before i knew the small exclusive group of any1 closely related to myself. i could have halfblood siblings living all over the fucking country if this guy pulled this shit on a regular basis. i wont feel safe dating a white guy again without wondering if he could be fucking related, ill have to compare genetics before getting married/having sex unless he looks just like his dad, cuz of course i used to 'know' exactly who my biological father was too. i dont want to think about the biological extended family-biological grandparents + aunt/uncles who would actually like to know their blood relatives + might be good people. i feel bad for them that this loser took any possibility of that away from them. I cant believe that this is a cultural norm..
no 1 has to know, my siblings dont know + i still don’t know if id rather not know. i feel profoundly alone. of 4 children im the only half related, + i love those baby boys so much. theyre still my real brothers, but it stings somehow that theyre only half-related to me but 100% related to each other, even knowing it doesnt actually matter. oh wait, what if someone needs a kidney? then it matters again. great, more questions. i dont know if i will ever tell them, my parents said this information is mine, i can hide it forever or make it public.
after reading some of the heartbreakers on here of terrible mothers telling their young children or hormonal teenagers as a way to stab their lifelong fathers, i feel bad posting this like it's a big deal,, but,, the comparison doesnt make it not hurt. my parents worked hard to make this the best it could possibly be after the mistakes were made, + that makes the difference.. my mother hates herself for doing this to me, she's cried all these years dreading having to give me this information someday, i know they wish it werent true as much as i do.
i dont have a message for that biological person. i know hes alive, but he means nothing to me alive or dead, i dont hate or miss or love him, im only angry that he selfishly hurt my mother, + i wish he had never been an irritating distraction to the happiness of a family. the end.
to those out there who have just found out + are about to add their story, you're not alone. these situations can apparently happen to anyone in any walk of life: to those who never suspected, or maybe guessed, + the situation is usually heartbreaking. i think my worst + continuing shock comes from zooming through all of my memories + seeing them w/ a new spin + imagining what my family watching me grow up-feeling relief that i held no physical resemblance to the stranger that would cause dangerously premature questions..
i want to remind you of both the value + worthlessness of blood. it is what you make it. before i knew this information, i already had blood relatives whom i never intended to have anything to do w/. i have aunts who arent blood who have been w/ my family longer than ive been alive--far longer than some of the self-absorbed blood-people. my closest friends 'sisters\brothers' are family members i have chosen for myself, + are more mine + more permanent than any of those people could ever be. dont let this shock make you think that you dont have control, because you do. in fact, in some situations, you have just been released. your anchors are gone + youre free to go anywhere or be anything wherever w/ whomever you please. never forget that this changes your perspective but you are still the same.
last unfortunate note... i'd still go for the dna testing before getting married,,, like attracts like, you may be magically drawn to people who could be unknowingly related :/ it's happened.
but you're not alone + it can all still be ok.

Mar 08, 2016
I agree with Psychiatrists
by: Anonymous

My mother took her betrayal to her grave. I used DNA testing to discover that my father was not my biological father. He will not know that I am not his biological child. No point in it, now.

He knew she was unfaithful, and on multiple occasions, during their marriage. And, because he was aware of this, he had the responsibility to consider that he was not a biological father.

His enabling, denial, lack of courage, and self respect is no excuse for his not providing me with even the chance to know my biological father. Just like my mother, he is self-serving in his personality make up. He should have shared what he did about my mother long ago. I hold him accountable for that. But, if he had not shared that my mother was unfaithful, I would likely not have pursued DNA testing. I would have had no reason to believe I was conceived outside the marriage.

He divulged her exploits out of contempt and spite for her, and out of a lack of care and consideration for me -nothing more. It was garden-variety, self-serving gossip on his part. He wanted to shame her because his life was a wreck. He was alone, sick, and broke. Further, he didn't care what the information would mean to my life - at my age, especially, as well as that of my immediate family member's lives. His self-serving confessions of her affairs are what triggered memories of, at least, one of her boy-friends-on-the-side when I was a child. Those triggered memories are what prompted the DNA testing. I had easy access to blood samples from 'not my father' without him being the wiser.

He is a frail person. I will not tell him. No point. Nothing to be gained. I will not share what I know with anyone except my immediate family -Those who truly love me... Those who have earned my trust. I regard my right to solely control this shocking information as poetic justice/karma.

These two 'parents' were severely handicapped, emotionally...both of them, barely capable of even a minimum in terms of the expected social norm where responsible, appropriate parenting was concerned.

Obviously, I'm grateful to have been born -however it was I came to be. I would have been grateful to have had the opportunity to, just, know the name of my biological father.
But, most importantly, my children have benefited emotionally/socially/intellectually because of what I came to understand about dysfunctional parenting, individuals with personality disorders, and the damaging family systems that result and that often perpetuate into the following generations when folks with these emotional deficits 'partner up'.

As far as therapy toward facilitating a healthy parent/child relationship after this unconscionable betrayal by a mother? Not likely chance. The reason is that there can never be authentic trust after this kind of betrayal. A healthy relationship resonating between two people, especially a parent child relational dynamic, must be trust based.

I have nothing left but a kind of benign pity for her in her death. I do not hold affection for her -past or present. But, I absolutely do have compassion for the state of a psyche (hers) that could make such a sad, insecure mess of her life. But, I believe she would have done better by me (and others) if she would have known how to.

I know I would have chosen to end any contact with her if I'd been able to learn this information while she was living. She would have lied to my face when confronted with the DNA results. She would not have told me who my biological father was, or who she thought 'might be' my father. I have imagined the indescribable level of embarrassment and shame she would have experienced as I presented her with the DNA report. She did not possess the coping skills to navigate that sense of shame. She would simply have calmly stated, "There's some mistake". That would have been her story. She would have stuck to it, pathetically. She lied about so much regarding her past. She couldn't even be honest about smoking cigarettes, or dropping out of high school. She spun elaborate lies, and maintained those lies for decades about stuff that, just, should not have been such a threat to her self esteem. But, there it is -"Self esteem". She didn't have an authentic one of those. Her's was a facade that she projected. So, it's easy to imagine, under those circumstances, that she certainly would not admit that she had a child by another man while she was married.

She was a troubled person -depressed, anxiety-prone, with narcissistic tendencies. Where narcissism is concerned -Nothing anyone can do with that affliction, least of all an innocent child. I was a daily, living reminder of her inability to behave as a respectable, 'normal' wife and mother. That's not my assessment of her, by the way, rather, it's her self inflicted assessment. And, it's sad for her.

Is there a way to restore the mother/child relationship when the mother has betrayed her child in this way? No. But, what a good therapist can help with is coping skills that facilitate 'acceptance'. It's okay to redefine the relationship, or even go 'no contact', when necessary, for 'your' emotional well being.
It can be healthier for you not to have a relationship with someone who will not/did not value you enough to trust you with the truth of your birth origin.

Just because you call someone "Mom", "Dad", "Sister", "Brother", etc., does not guarantee them a place in your life.

Take care of yourself 'first'. If you're finding out that you were not told the truth about who your father was/is -No matter their selfish excuse for having kept your birth right from you; It's a clear sign that your parent never established a healthy, authentic relationship with you anyway. That establishment is the parent's responsibility.

When a mother makes the decision to inform her child, at an appropriate age, determined by that child's emotional maturity, and in acknowledgment of her child's right to know who their father is there is a foundation of trust that can be utilized for building on, and even strengthening the relationship between them. When a child finds out any other way that they have been denied the truth regarding their biological father; It's a recipe for severing whatever relationship existed between mother/child.

You can wish your mother well, and mean it. Your forgiveness regarding that betrayal is not required for you to move forward. But, your acceptance of her dysfunction, and lack of appropriate parenting ability is required in order that you move forward. Further, your mother's response in dealing with the aftermath she must experience, regarding the choice to lie to you, is not your responsibility. She made that choice. Let her and/or other family members be accountable for it.

Hold no contempt. Create a safe distance that allows you to discover and live your authentic life.

Mar 07, 2016
Where did everyone go?
by: Anonymous

Can therapy help rectify this situation with the parent who lied to you? I have been told by several prominent Psychiatrist's that the relationship is beyond repair

Feb 06, 2016
What is my last name
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com


What last name do you use for your children?

Do I have any responsibility to my new found relatives?

What is my lineage? (Italian, German, etc)

What effects has this had on me that I am unaware?

I was adopted and no one told me?

Who do you put for your Father on your marriage certificate?

WTF? Is this really happening?

Ok, now I meant my Dad and he doesn't know how to take advantage of the situation.

Do you introduce a new grandfather to your kids?


You love me huh, we have meant twice. But I get your desperation.......

You didn't know your father either and had a man around that handled the situation with as much frustration and confusion as you did......

How were you able to not meet me. I can't fathom that? How are we possibly blood?

It is so fun to hang out with your dad, who knew?

I'm not trying to hurt anyone, I am trying to defuse this nuclear bomb I was just handed.

It's ok to want to know what happened, Mom

I didn't create this situation, wtf am I supposed to do.

I have family all over the country....

I have amazing similarities to these people I have never meant.

Family needs money......puh

Discussion with your Mother is turning on the family that raised you......

Life isn't what your given, it's what you create, it's what you work for, and it's who you help or positively effect.

Don't be a victim,be a victor!!!!Success is imminent and undeniable for the persistent and passionate!

Feb 05, 2016
Who knew...
by: Anonymous

Wow, I never knew just how many shared a similar story to mine. I was 10 when I accidentally found out that my dad "wasn't my real dad" and that my biological father died 2 months prior to my birth. I was shocked, devastated, sad and confused. I loved my dad and did not want it to be true. Over the years tho, I began to wonder about him and my "other" family. I wanted to know what he looked like, what he was like, was I like him? My mother was never forthcoming with information so I was on my own... Fast forward 30 years and I finally reached out to his surviving family members and I am thankful I did. I now have a sense peace and the hole in my heart has been filled. I still wish I could have met him and I will probably always be a little sad about that but I am grateful for my new found extended family. It gets easier with time. And for me, timing was everything.

Jan 26, 2016
Meeting Adult Children
by: Anonymous

Meeting adult children

You are right, there is deep regret for what I have done. Meeting my daughter is something I want to do very much. There are a lot of things that need to be arranged and it will happen. Distance is a big issue. I had people say to me, "You should have been on the next plane out of town". This is a life changing event and I want to be sensitive to her pace and what she would like. We have exchanged many letters, pictures, and phone calls. Those moments were absolutely euphoric, for both of us. Again, you are right, there is indescribable relief, forgiveness, and healing. It does relieve pressure that you never thought affected you.

I know I am not her "Dad" and he is a good man. I need to add that she knew the truth from a very young age, no secrets. Still, I always wanted to know her and give her a choice of knowing me, or not.

I’ve talked to a lot of people about this topic and the chance to meet their adult child seems to get caught up in B.S. and family "secrets and squabbles". How do you change that? From my point of view, the "up side" is so far beyond measure, anything else doesn’t even relate. Of course, I can’t get every father to believe what I have found to be true.

The absolute knock-out blow was seeing her face the first time. She is beautiful and I dropped to my knees from the weight of my regret.

Go meet your children because that moment transcends everything (and I mean everything) that you have ever felt.

Jan 25, 2016
by: To: You´re so right !

Fathers I know your out there.

Please give us some insight on why you can't meet your kids from the past? My experience tells me that there is deep regret and meeting the adult children is to much to bear at the latter stages of life. From the people I have talked to there is indescribable relief, forgiveness, and healing by meeting your biology. No matter how much time has passed or what the circumstances may have been. I can tell you from personal experience it relieves pressure that you don't know was effecting you; because you have never experienced life without that gnawing tension. The release of tension is euphoric, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Jan 23, 2016
by: Confused

This is exactly what happened to me and it infuriates me that children are made to feel it is disrespectful to want the truth. The man that raised you, provided for you, stitched you up, and taught you the lessons that made you are; that is your father. But wanting to know the facts of your biology does not disrespect or mitigate your fathers efforts. In fact it is the exact opposite, you end up realizing what an amazing man your father is, to provide for you, irregardless of your biological origin.

If you can't get answers from your family, get a DNA sample, cheek swab what ever. Send it in with your DNA for a test. Drop that in your mothers lap. I found it to be a great conversation starter.

The lying needs to stop. It's ridiculous. Email me if you need help!

Jan 23, 2016
You´re so right !
by: Anonymous

I understand that so well.....I feel the same.
My mother was 18 when she met my biological father in Germany. He was already 36.....and the I was born. In the sixties to a woman which was 19 years old an unmarried. My biological father is unknown to me......but even if I have the BEST father of the world (he met my mother short time after my birth and took the whole package)I always missed someone.I´m now over 50 and I had to be very harsh to my mother (even after more than 40 years she can not speak about him) to find his Name out. I was able fo find him, tokk some years of researches. He´s now over 80 and lives somewhere in Maryland. I was so happy when I found him and wrote him a Long letter. Permanent silence. I wrote again...and again...and again. Got very angry. Forgave him at last..still silence. That hurts so much and very deeply ! The Feeling not being wanted scraches......I have good days and other days; I just want to see him, hear his voice....and the Story, the answer of so many questions. But I never will.....I am working on to accept that and forgive him for being so icecold to his own flesh and blood.
We Kids a r e perfect and nothing is wrong with us ! We feel right and are wishful because it´s the human nature. Our biological parents are maybe a little bit gaga.......

Jan 23, 2016
by: Anonymous

I was at a friend's house when age 11 or 12 and they had company and they asked who I was. My friend's parent said "she belongs to ____, you know, the one ____ adopted." I was confused, but didn't ask because I had seen my parents wedding photos and I was in them. Then when I was about 27 one of my dad's sisters made a comment that led me to finally ask my mom. She kind of blew it off and said my dad was my dad. Then when my daughters were in grammar school a friend made another comment and they came home with questions and were pretty torn up. Again,
it was swept under the rug with no real answers. I've asked one or two of my relatives but they weren't sure what to tell me and I feel like asking my mom again would be useless and I wouldn't hurt my dad for nothing, he truly is the best! I just want to know if she has lied to me and, if so, maybe see a picture and at least know his name, but that would be all I think. Because nothing will ever change how I feel about my dad, I love him with all my heart. I feel like they were probably trying to do what they thought was in my best interest, but still I wonder and it eats at me. I feel like everyone knows the truth except for me. Bless you all!

Jan 20, 2016
To "Urgent"
by: Anonymous

This is difficult to answer completely, but I can offer a few ideas. First, take a few deep breaths because you will need a calm mind to do all the detective work needed. This could be a long drawn out process, so please understand the time needed. Are you absolutely flat-out certain the man you know as Dad is not really your father? If this is so, do you have any information (anything at all) about your bio father that you could use to start a search? Is there an extended family member or a long time family friend you might consult? Sometimes a hint is all you need. I know this is urgent for you, however, please be as calm as possible talking to these people. Some family members may view talking to you as a breach of family trust (wrong, I know). You could do a Google search, "looking for bio father" on your computer (or maybe use a computer at the library if you need to search away from family). There are some good sites and maybe they could help you. Do you know anyone else that went through a similar situation? It shouldn’t be the secret that it is, but when I looked I found a lot of people didn’t know one of their bio parents.

I expect you’ll get a few answers from readers of this site. Check back now and then.

I believe you will find your father. It may take some time and tears. Are you prepared for his reaction either way?

Remember, providence moves with you when you commit fully and take the first step. This means small things will happen in your favor with 100 percent commitment.

Good thoughts to you…

Jan 19, 2016
How do i find my real father
by: Anonymous

I also dont know who my biological father is and when i ask my mother,she doesnt want to tell me the truth she just say what i heard is not true,the person i know as my father is my biological father and i can see through her eyes that she is lying and i dont find peace in my heart because my life is a mess and when i go around asking what the problem is,they tells me about going to my biological fathers yard so that things will be alright so please guys i need your help where i should start and what i should do to find my biological father urgently please

Jan 18, 2016
by: Anonymous


You do have a legal right, unless you are specifically written out of his will. Even then you could still have a good recourse. Maybe this is why his wife doesn’t want to give you any more information. In some way she is scared. You may have to consult an attorney for advice. At the same time I understand your desire to "know". I would want to know, too. If you do find out for sure (using a little pressure) then your father still doesn’t have to talk to you. I would exhaust every single avenue with gentleness – before using pressure (legal). You do want to know him in the short time he has left, yes? A tough situation. However, I believe as you get older you see life with a wider perspective and a deeper heart. This could apply to your father. Does your father know you have been trying to contact him?

Jan 17, 2016
Legal recourse
by: FYDWidom@gmail.com


It may be possible your mother doesn't know for sure...I have never heard of legal recourse for information, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Any lawyers on the thread please chime in.

I would write your mom a letter or email and organize your emotions and present them to her clearly without interruption.....If she persist to remain silent, you can talk to any living freinds or relative.....That's what I did to verify facts.

There is no clear answer but writing your emotions down is very therapeutic.

I hope this helps....email me anytime

Jan 17, 2016
Unknown Biological Father
by: Diane (Lael) Stephens

I recently found, through DNA, that the person thought was my biological father, is NOT. I am now 64 and he is 83 years old and his wife says she had a feeling I want his child but she refuses to tell me anything further. (he and my mom divorced right after my birth). Do I have a legal right to know who my biological father is? And, if so, how do I go about getting it. Can he and his wife be deposed? I do not want to go to my have not knowing who he is/was.

Jan 11, 2016
All parents
by: Fay

To ANY mother - never lie to your child. Firstly. How could you. Lie to a daughter or son say for 16 years. And act nornal loving and caring. That's no caring mother. If you can't help it and DO lie then don't tell the truth 16 year later ! It's one or the other. I was told at 15 my mother was a liar when she mentioned my dad who I'd been made to call dad then was given his name. A known as name. Not even legal And tbh. It all went down the pan from there. I lost all faith & resect in my mum. Having my own daughter now. I cannot ever imagine me lying to her for 15 years. That's tough going for any liar !! Then to the Step dads .. Taking on children not yours. Hi 5 but your not dad so do not lie either I would of respected a step farther more if he'd not been in on the lie. After being told. That dad relationship was gone. And Sperm donors. . How does any man produce a child no matter what the circumstances are and .. Walk away without care .. Live a happy life with a wife. He'd cheated on to produce me .. Have 3 kids and not feel anything but .. Scared Incase they find out and his little house on the priary is tarnished .. Hate ya is not close .. I'm 37. Hated my mother half my life and my step dad and my dad ... Hate bitterness resentment angry revenge and a trillion sleepless nights n unanswered questions is allllll you'll inflict apon any child you lie too. If you can do that. Your not fit to be parents. I'd never lie to mine. And my mum. Has been punished. Bin off yeas with her n my step dad. My real dad. Punished. As I said to him on n off surprise visits to his work .. If ya don't tell ya wife & kids. I will. I want nothing but. To not be denied ... Years of bullshit. Yeah I will. He didn't. So. I did. On spotted. On facebook. Happy with that they all knew and all commented. Justice there. I'm not denied. So moral of the story is. Lie to your child and you've ruined half their life. You'll never be thanked for it. Cheers all involved that lied to me. Tossers ... Karma comes around x.

Jan 08, 2016
Writer from Wales
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your story. It has helped me also. I'm not sure I will ever understand "why" either. Good thoughts to you.

Jan 06, 2016
by: Anonymous

My tail is very similar and it helps to know there are other people like me.
My dad died in 2014 and whilst my mum was in hospital for paranoia and hallucinations she announced that my father was not my biological father at first I thought it was her illness talking but listening to her in realised she was telling the truth.
I was 60.
I asked for his name and where he lived.i got in touch with an agency and located him unfortunately he had died nine years ago.I was lucky that is widow was alive and agreed to meet me. She was very gracious and said she did know about me but they never discussed the subject.

I felt my whole life was a lie.

I had a younger sister who i loved dearly but sadly she died in a car accident when she was 21.

My parents sent my husband and I over to Jersey to deal with all the matters, we live in Wales so there was paperwork and they wanted me to formally identify her. To this day in can't understand why they would not be the ones to deal with everything.

So after my mother's (no doubt in her mind it was like a deathbed confession ) declaration a few things started to make sense, why is was always treaded differently, why is got punished as I was the oldest. My friends have said I always said I was treated differently
My parents never talked about my sister but my husband and children have always talked about her and I have pictures of her in the family home.

My son and partner had a baby girl and she has my sister's name as a middle name, it was something he said he would do from when he was younger and bless him he kept that promise.

My mother is now in a nursing home and when we told about the baby's middle name instead of being as touched as I was responded that it brought up unhappy memories! So I said I had happy memories and this first granddaughter will make new ones carrying her name.

My mother had numerous times to tell me, I even undertook tests to see if my chances of getting alzimers increased because of my dad.

I ended up with stress lost one third of my hair and was a crying zombie and was off work for three months.

Do I wish she had told me earlier. ... yes as I would have met the man who I had so much in common with after having spoken to his widow.

Do I wish she hadn't told me.....yes all she did was clear her conscience and put me through he'll.

Am I bitter yes, she took away my choice to find and more importantly to know him.

My mother has become someone who if I visited her in the home on my own would be rude, demanding and ungrateful when I used all my leave to ferry her to hospial appointments and not say thank you for buying her new clothes and jewellery to cheer her up so now I go with my children and I pay the nursing home to take her to hospital appointments.

I have my own life to live I was and am a good daughter but more importantly I have taken back control of my life, I have a wonderful family and friends.

Will I forgive her for the pain sorrow and sadness that will always live inside me, I expect so eventually but not yet as it still too raw.

Thank you for letting me tell my story it has been cathartic.

Jan 06, 2016
me either
by: Anonymous

Im 13 and i no nothing my mum wont tell me and i dont know any one else i only know my mum half sister and half brother? Please help

Jan 04, 2016
by: Anonymous


Reading your post lets me believe you have some information about your bio father. Yes? Maybe a name? Then you have someplace to start. I would still check online and search something like, "looking for bio father" and you will get a few very good sites. Take it one step at a time and make sure you have found the right man. Also check face book for photos, you might be surprised (please do not "like" anything on his page, if you find him) You’ll eventually find your bio father using all of the guidance.

Now the big questions and I’m only scratching the surface here. This is a huge step for you, are you prepared for his reaction? What about all the other innocent hearts that may be involved? I know you want the truth and this could be life changing for others, also. Do you know if he tried to contact you or your mother through the years? Hopefully, these questions will help you start thinking about the overall situation. I feel your approach to him should be as discrete as possible.

I don’t have all the answers, but maybe some of this will help you and that was my intent. I know when my daughter wrote to me, I turned into a complete mush ball. It was the most touching and tender letter I have ever received. Best wishes to you.

Jan 03, 2016
Family Systems Theory \ Cluster B Personality Disorder
by: FYDwisdom@gmail.com

Thank you for the information and the understanding. True compassion and understanding is unattainable from my experience, even from professionals. That why it is essential to communicate on this board. I have done some initial research on the topics you mentioned in your post. Some of these papers charge a nominal fee.....I have spoke with many intelligent, informed people from this board, and have gleaned some positive insight. Keep the questions and information flowing. Understanding is the path to healing!

Kintsugi (金継ぎ?) (Japanese: golden joinery) or Kintsukuroi (金繕い?) (Japanese: golden repair)

To repair pottery with gold or silver lacquer with an understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.....

The Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the maki-e technique.[1][2][3] As a philosophy it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

Family Systems Theory



The family systems theory is a theory introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen that suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family, as the family is an emotional unit. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system. According to Bowen, a family is a system in which each member had a role to play and rules to respect. Members of the system are expected to respond to each other in a certain way according to their role, which is determined by relationship agreements. Within the boundaries of the system, patterns develop as certain family member's behavior is caused by and causes other family member's behaviors in predictable ways. Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance in the family system, but also to dysfunction. For example, if a husband is depressive and cannot pull himself together, the wife may need to take up more responsibilities to pick up the slack. The change in roles may maintain the stability in the relationship, but it may also push the family towards a different equilibrium. This new equilibrium may lead to dysfunction as the wife may not be able to maintain this overachieving role over a long period of time.

Murray Bowen
Department of Psychiatry Georgetown
University Medical Center Washington, D.C


Family Systems theory assumes that all important people in the family unit play part in the way family members function
in relation to each other and in the way the symptom finally erupts. The part that each person plays comes about
by each "being himself." The symptoms of excessive drinking occurs when family anxiety is high. The appearance of
the symptom stirs even higher anxiety in those dependent on the one who drinks. The higher the anxiety, the more other
family members react by anxiously doing more of what they are already doing.

Cluster B Personality Disorder


Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. It's not necessary to exhibit all the signs and symptoms listed for a disorder to be diagnosed.

Antisocial personality disorder

Disregard for others' needs or feelings
Persistent lying, stealing, using aliases, conning others
Recurring problems with the law
Repeated violation of the rights of others
Aggressive, often violent behavior
Disregard for the safety of self or others
Impulsive behavior
Consistently irresponsible
Lack of remorse for behavior
Borderline personality disorder

Impulsive and risky behavior, such as having unsafe sex, gambling or binge eating
Unstable or fragile self-image
Unstable and intense relationships
Up and down moods, often as a reaction to interpersonal stress
Suicidal behavior or threats of self-injury
Intense fear of being alone or abandoned
Ongoing feelings of emptiness
Frequent, intense displays of anger
Stress-related paranoia that comes and goes
Histrionic personality disorder

Constantly seeking attention
Excessively emotional, dramatic or sexually provocative to gain attention
Speaks dramatically with strong opinions, but few facts or details to back them up
Easily influenced by others
Shallow, rapidly changing emotions
Excessive concern with physical appearance
Thinks relationships with others are closer than they really are

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Belief that you're special and more important than others Fantasies about power, success and attractiveness Failure to recognize others' needs and feelings Exaggeration of achievements or talents Expectation of constant praise and admiration Arrogance Unreasonable expectations of favors and advantages, often taking advantage of others Envy of others or belief that others envy you.....

Jan 02, 2016
To FYD Wisdom
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your spirit of caring advocacy, for posting these links and, above all, thank you your huge heart.
Your mother, who CHOSE to betray you in the most egregious and unconscionable way in refusal of informing you as to who your biological father is, on the other hand, likely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As such, she is, therefore, completely, utterly incapable of empathizing with her victimization of you. So be cautious, be thoughtful where your investment in engaging her is concerned. Ensure appropriate boundaries. If you're not sure what those boundaries should look like/feel like, do research on "Family Systems Theory/Family Roles Theory/Family Dynamics" and "Cluster B Personality Disorder in a Parent".
Thank you again, for your dedicated spirit of support to others. You are certainly not someone with a deficit of compassion and empathy for others. Your mother's personality challenge prevents her from experiencing a sense of accountability/compassion/guilt for the inexpressible damage she has done in choosing to lie to you. She will not EVER be capable of demonstrating 'authentic' communications and behaviors, toward you, that communicate that she is aware of the wonderful human being that you are.
NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is not typically treatable. So, take care of 'yourself'. Develop/maintain reasonable expectations and safe distance with regard to spending time with her.It doesn't mean the relationship is destined for 'no contact' necessarily. Perhaps begin to re calibrate the nature of the dynamic between the two of you. Consider shifting the lion's share of your time and heart -the most private/personal aspects of yourself- with those you have certainty that you are receiving healthy, authentic, mutual love and respect from.

When we have been betrayed so catastrophically by the 'one' person we are socially cued, all our lives, to believe and expect a day to day demonstration of selfless protection where our well being as their child is concerned; We are innately more vulnerable to those types of people in our sphere of influence who are opportunistic and who seek to take advantage.So just be 'aware' of those types. If you 'get a feeling' that someone isnt the who that they are presenting...Chances are they're not. Take care of you.

Thank you, again, for your wisdom and the helpful links. I will look forward to learning more about coping increasingly effectively regarding the betrayal by mothers who choose their own comfort level and pride over their child's right to pursue a relationship with their biological father.

Jan 02, 2016
Met him while recovering...
by: Anonymous

That is quite a story. Thank you for posting this important part of your life. I view this as positive and I am glad you're staying in contact. My best to you.

Jan 02, 2016
I want to l want to meet my teal father
by: samantha Lynn Powell

My name is samantha every one calls me sam.I was only five years old when i learnd that my dad was not really my dad.I never trrated him different after that. It rolled right off my shoulder.but now i am 23 years old and the man i called my father and my best friend died of lung cancer and after his death i was completely heart broken .but now i really want to reach out and find my reall father

Dec 31, 2015
Met him while recovering in a residential home.
by: Anonymous

Well, it wasn't exactly expected. I noticed how this certain man, who was also staying at the home, just kept getting more and more clingy with me. I thought that maybe he had a fear of feeling lonely, or that he felt he needed a companion. Whole it was true, that he squeezed my hand, after telling me he felt so lucky to have me, as his companion, I still felt as if something else was going on. That something was missing, if you will. I found he'd been crying, a lot of times, and would ask me soon after, if I could still liked him. I assumed his schizophrenic voices were telling him awful things, that I didn't like him. It concerned me because maybe I liked him a little TOO much. Not in an exotic way. More like unexplainable. How could I feel so attached room a man I'd only known for five weeks? Not only that, I assumed I wasn't quite right, because I've honestly never felt so attached to a stranger. That's just it. I can't describe how it feels. I felt after a few months after living at the home, I started to feel he was deceitful. Yet U kept telling myself to lighten up about it, because he had a mental illness, so it could be down to that. When a schizophrenic morphs unto their "other character", or "the bad version of themselves", it's hard to get them to see common sense. The only way I can describe it. I understood about mental illnesses. I kept replaying St for that we talked about, or stuff we did together, in my mind. thought nothing of any of it. Yet, one day, I felt like I was going to break down, if I didn't let him know, that his constant deciet was mean, so I finally told him. He apologised, but it was half-hearted. It felt as if he was acting, because his apology was over-the-counter. Nevertheless, we hugged it out, and nothing more was said about. All of a sudden, out of the blue, he asks me, if my mum has a boyfriend. I told him that she does and that she's been with him for eighteen years, and still is :) Anyway, he suddenly starts looking heartbroken, and looks down at the floor. He was never usually subdued. I asked him if he was okay, apparently he said he was so I left it. A few hours later, he asks me, where my mum lives. I start getting suspicious, and tell him that he doesn't need to know that. He then suddenly snapped at me, saying "I'm not being nosy. I just think your mum's a nice lady is all". He was raising his eyebrows as he said this. I told him that if he wanted her address, he'd have to ask her himself. As it might look a but silly, me asking murmur if he can have her address. Whenever my mum came to visit me at the residential home, he'd follow us both into the lounge. He'd never sit down. He'd just stand beside the radiator. Fair enough. Other times he always sat next to me. My mum always seemed not that keen to talk to him. U didn't care either way, as I was just happy, to finally find some new friends for life in that home. The next day, Stephen was pressing me, for more and more information about my family. I was beginning to think he was a bit dodgy. I'd never come across someone asking such persoqurstions like that. I started to wonder real hard, about why he'd even ask Mr those sorts of questions. Anyway, one day, I was moving into a Supported-living flat, and told him, that I wasn't going to visit him, after I move out of our residential home, because I felt he never stuck to his words. I felt fed up of his empty promises. "You aren't leaving are you? You're staying here at the home, aren't you?", he kep asking me. "No. I'm definitely moving out. I have no choice". Though, it was true. My social worker wanted me in a place I could rent, been was too young to be in a care home. Her words, not mine. I was thirty-three. I still am. My birthday is in March. He shouted on the day I was leaving "I WANT A HUG , Sarah!". I gave him a massive hug. He told me he'd "look after me". He was fifty-two. I didn't visit him, or any of the other residents at my previous home, because I kept feeling too emotional about moving out, and I wanted to make sure that I could visit them, once the heartbroken feeling had gone. It never left. It just seemed to torture me, no matter what I did. Anyway, after about eight months of not seeing Stephen, or any of the others, they obviously got worried, as they regarded me as family. God bless them all. Stephen suddenly presses my intercom. I wasn't expecting him to turn up. Well not after not seen him for a while. He stammered, and instantly, I knew it was him. I don't know anyone else who stammers. I went to the front door, and cried with relief, after hugging him. I let him into my flat. I made us both some coffee, and we chatted, as we sat on my sofa. He told me how they were all work ed and wondering where I was. I guess I was wanted. I'm not used to feeling wanted. That was a real comfort. Stephyalways wore large scarfs. Like the Dr Who from the eighties. I just remember feeling fascinated by the large scarf. He suddenly turned to me, after rubbing his nose [a nervous tic]. He starts looking at me in a shocked way I ask him if anythings wrong. He tells me, he actually knew my mam all along. After I ask him how, he starts crying uncontrollably, a day trembling, while telling me that he was once married to her. I look at him in awe. I tell him that there's no need to be upset about it. That he should just move on. "Well how can I, whig en my own daughter's right in front of my dac". Oh. Oh. Wow. What? Wow. "I didn't expect you to come to the same care home as me. It threw me for siz", he said. I was still in shock by this point. I gave him another hug, while telling him "If it's any comfort to you, I thought year odd that I felt so close to you, after only knowing you for five weeks after moving into the care home". I told him that I didn't know how he managed to keep it in, hiding it from me, while quad living at the same home as him. We still talk to each other at least once every week.

Dec 29, 2015
by: Anonymous

I am in the same situation except I never met my bio-father never even knew until about 15yrs ago. Both my parents or the father I've always known are passed away. I've always had this empty feeling inside me nevr knew why. I've tried everything to get out of this rut. My whole life crumbled. Lost my kids and almost my life. Can't understand why no one will talk about it I'm 46 yrs old for heaven sake, they see what it's doing to me but don't care. I pray for answers and closure to this. Thanks for sharing your story.

Dec 27, 2015
Help for I feel so alone
by: Anonymous

You probably have the a mild case of the spins, feeling sick to your stomach and like the earth is shifting under you. It's called SHOCK and here is how to treat it.

Signs and symptoms of shock vary depending on circumstances and may include:

Cool, clammy skin
Pale or ashen skin
Rapid pulse
Rapid breathing
Nausea or vomiting
Enlarged pupils
Weakness or fatigue
Dizziness or fainting

Changes in mental status or behavior, such as anxiousness or agitation.


You will never stop questioning why the f**K someone would do this to you, but the good news is I can help get you through and make you a stronger person because of it. If you want help I am here.......

Dec 23, 2015
I can help
by: FYDwisdom@gmail.com

I can help you......email me. I found my Dad wans't my Bio dad by Fedex in 2000. I know how it feels.......I'm here if you want to talk.....


Dec 22, 2015
I feel so alone
by: Anonymous

Today i found out that my dad isn't my biológical father i feel so depressed and i need help my head hurts from all the crying , i'm a big mesa.

Dec 15, 2015
Explain the situation on your terms....that's leadership
by: Father

If You Truly Love your son you will find a way to explain to him on your terms, define the situation over time, and raise him to be the man that you are. If he gets blind sided by it he will doubt everything you have ever been to him. I got blind sided, my functional father made me the man that I am. My parents should not have let me get blinsided at 28 years old. You question everything, from your name to your existence. I am willing to help you come up with a strategy if you
Think that will help. Think about what you would want as an adult if you were him.


Dec 15, 2015
by: Anonymous

I'm a father to my ex-wife little one night stand that she had, and I didn't know nothing till we had 8 1/2 years of marriage. Story short...A father is the one that raised, the one that has been there from the beginning, My son is not my biological son but I love him and will never hurt his feelings by telling him that Im not his biological father. Never the less if the mom tells him that will be another story, I'll bet and hope that doesn't happen now he's only 9 and that will be wrong, Well Im sure he will know that he only got one Dad and that's me and love me unconditionally no matter what. His mother's low decisions as always is the only one to blame for all this. Just remember you could meet him but there's only one real dad and one mom! and that's the one who raised!

Dec 14, 2015
For Lynn
by: Anonymous

Dear Lynn,

My heart goes out to you.

We are rarely prepared for the things life throws at us and finding your way back to healing is not outside the range of your capabilities.

How you feel is legitimate and you are not alone. I offer a suggestion for you. Try to move forward from this very moment. Find something that inspires you and cultivate that inspiration.

Stand tall you are a gift. I’m telling you right now so you know. Providence will follow you when you decide to move with absolute commitment and follow your heart.

There are a lot of stories similar to yours posted in this forum. Read some of the thoughts given to those people. I wish I knew the correct answer, I do not.

Sincerely, I believe you will find the answers in your heart

Dec 13, 2015
Yes this hurts, but there is help out there
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

Motivational Videos




Dec 13, 2015
by: Anonymous

"The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding"

In October of 2000 I received a letter from my Biological father, that I didn’t know existed, informing me that my Mother had been married for two years (1973 to 1975) they split and I had never heard about this man. Letter attached……

· My Mom remarried in 1977 to Gary King who adopted me and apparently at the age of 4 it was discussed and it was never mentioned again. I was raised as Shawn King in what I thought was the perfect family environment. My maternal grandmother lived with us also and we were a very tight unit

· When I received the letter I was on my way to the airport, and my first thought was I have to get this letter to the right person. This poor kid and they sent it to the wrong house. When I got on the Plane, I looked at the address, my name, the spelling, and some details…………..the memories of the little I must have forgotten came rushing back and I felt like a bomb went off in my chest

· I wasn’t into therapy being a man, but I thought I better go and talk to someone and try and get a professional opinion on how to handle this. My mother was very intelligent and I thought there had to be some reason we would not have talked about this……maybe he was in jail, military, who knows………..the possibilities were endless

· I went to therapy once a week for a year and towards the end we decided to try and bring my Mom in, and she wasn’t ready to discuss this or she felt she was being attacked

· I told the Doctor, I don’t want to cause her that kind of pain, it’s not helping, I can handle it over time

· So from 2003 until 2010 we tabled it, I believed she thought she was doing what was best for me. But my issue was as close as we were, how could she leave me open to that kind of shocking revelation at anytime

· The issues resurfaced after I had my first child and my parenting style differs from hers. Religion, Baptism, discipline, whatever…………she feels like I do things to make her angry or get even

· She says she doesn’t even know who I am anymore, and has even suggested I must be on something to make me act this different

· The reality is, prior to my child I did whatever made her happy because it was nothing for me to go along with the things even if I didn’t believe in it. Your parents are not here forever, so why not make them happy when you can, was my thinking.

· My only goal is to make her understand that I am not trying to hurt her, but I am not a sheep. I will make decisions on what I believe to be best for the kids based on my life experience. And by the way there are very few things we disagree on.

· This is a very hot topic, and what has happened is I stay away to avoid a fight or confrontation. We have gotten into some heated exchanges, and that helps no one

I have actually been doing some research and apparently this happens to a lot of people. Check out this link. I have started a foundation to help people meet their Biological family member’s, because most people have no idea where to start. It is indescribable how this feels when you get this information and have no idea. You go through a whole identity crisis, and feel like everyone in your family has misled you for 30 years.

Dec 09, 2015
by: Lynn

I just found out that my biological father isn't the man who raised me. I found out thru my aunt. My parents didn't tell me nor do they know that I know the truth. I am 39. I have been having health problems. I was abused until I left the house when I was 18. But still verbally abused by my mother until I stopped talking to her 10 months ago. I know now why I have been treated like the black sheep of the family. I feel like total garbage in every sense of the word.

Dec 08, 2015
I was shut out of my sons life
by: Pete

At the age of 18, my 17 yo girlfriend intentionally got pregnant and left me for someone else, who by the way, only wanted to sleep with her. AS I had seen them out while we were dating, and the things that were done and said during our 2 years together, I didn't think that the boy was mine, as well as the fact that the mother and her mother never contacted me in more than 30 years to tell me I had a son. Upon discovering via facebook that he was mine, based on his appearance being so much like me, I contacted her to find out that he had never been told that the person who grasscut me, the same person she married and fraudulently placed his name on my sons birth certificate wasn't Junior's father. I was cut out of my son's life for 31 years, and it would have been forever had I not told them that if they didn't tell him, that I was going to. We have met this year, but have a distant communication, as his mother and impostor father said whatever they could so Junior would not want to know me, and hence find out the real truth. Loving parents.....I don't think so! I think the real truth, as elusive as it is, may help find peace for my son, yet he is distant with me and doesn't want to know the fact about his mother as a teenager, and the "person" he has called dad for 31 years. If my son can find peace, then maybe I can too. I will have nothing further to do with his mother or the idiot she married, but I want to know my son (and grandson) more than the occasional phone call or text message. It will take time, but time waits for no one. So I will need to be patient. My advice is find out the truth however you can. It has allowed me to sleep easier once I worked it out.

Dec 04, 2015
Little White Lie
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

Little White Lie
Lacey Schwartz Little White Lie
Amazon Instant Video ~ Lacey Schwartz

Link: http://amzn.com/B00VFTBXMO

Little White Lie follows director Lacey Schwartz's upbringing in a white Jewish family, discovery that her biological father is black and journey to uncover her family secrets and learn to live with her dual identity.

Dec 04, 2015
Still being lied to
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

Email me if you need to vent or have a sounding board. It helps to have someone who can relate. I have spoke with several fathers and we all gain insight from talking with people in similar situations without the emotional interference to speak candidly. Many people have may bad decisions and have paid dearly. But as a unified intelligent discussion board we can turn a challenging situation into a positive example for the young men today. I have an adopted daughter that has taught me more about my childhood misunderstandings than any therapist could. We clash, but she knows we have a bond that even her mother can't replicate. She bucks me any chance she gets, but when critical decisions arise, I can tell she is listening. That is a great achievement and a direct result of me learning from my childhood with a father that wasn't genetic, although I was led to believe it was.

Nov 30, 2015
Still being lied to
by: Anonymous

This site has brought me some peace. Thank you to all that have posted. My story isn't much different other then the fact the lie was so horrible. I'm mixed, half brown is all I will say and grew up in a white family. Do you know what it's like to grow up a darkie with everyone under the sun telling you you don't look like your family? Or that's not your family? Or you must be adopted? I have asked repeatedly if my dad was my dad, even to my so_called father and answer was and is still yes. Not until my early 20's I was fed up and conned my younger sister into taking a dna test for heritage purposes. The test was to see if we were biological siblings and it came back that we were only half siblings. Never mind never fitting into a white family or always butting heads with my "father" but its the culture, Heritage, and identity that has been stripped from me. I grew up telling people I was white meanwhile darker then most brown people I knew. I probably will never know my real dad because my mother gets so angry to the point of a crazy argument if I ask and pursue it. Nevermind the facts! I feel you, all of you. And like the common posts no one gets it what it's like to be us, bastard children. Just know this we carry traights not just physical of our bio fathers, whether we know it. A great movie just hit Netflix
Little white lie

Nov 28, 2015
Who is my real father Nathan Robins or James Hooker
by: Garnette Hooker

I need to know I been hearing back and forth between the family members And I beleive Nathan Robinson is but I want to know for myself then I can rest in peace.. Knowing that I was right all along so please help me.I know its going to hurt some people but desever to know the truth and my daughter know her granddad...

Nov 23, 2015
Great info
by: fydwisdom@gmail


Nov 17, 2015
The father she never knew
by: FYDwisdom@gmail.com

The past is dead, the future is uncertain and tomorrow is not promised.

The best gift the fathers on this board can give is the unfiltered lessons learned from their misguided choices. Help another young man to do what’s best for him and his family.

My genetic Grandfather left my genetic Father when he was 3 or 4, he was an abusive drunk and died at age 21. Does it surprise anyone that my Dad left my Mom when I was 2 years old. But after meeting my Dad at 28 years old, he is a very caring and endearing person that loves kids. So what would cause him to leave his family. Did he feel unfit, not ready, or scared? My analysis is that he was insecure based on being abandoned, his lack of guidance / man leadership and left before he would have been left by my Mother. He felt it was too good to be true and bailed to avoid the inevitable pain when the real person he believed he was, was discovered. (He was a scared little boy with no man to make him man up) Typical behavior of an insecure personality that was abused as a child. When I did meet him he had a letter from his Mother with a pretzel wrapped in it that I had given to her at 2 years old (the pretzel). He had kept that letter with the pretzel intact for 26 years. He still had boxes of pictures with my Mom and things she gave him in High School. So something doesn’t add up. That appears to be a very sentimental and emotional person who will spend the rest of his life regretting the mistakes of his youth. We see each other twice a year, and talk weekly. Even though, I feel like the leader in the relationship it still feels good to talk to your Dad. Especially since you didn’t know what that felt like for 28 years. What my genetic father did inadvertently was break the cycle that was plaguing his family. My Mom remarried and I was raised in and around families that did it right. I now have 3 kids of my own, one adopted, and it has made me an introspective father that soaks up every second possible.

There is no excuse for leaving your child, but there are explanations that drive irrational behavior that only leads to misery and regret. The more we talk about objectively, the more we shed light on the cause.

If anyone needs to talk feel free to email me at FYDwisdom@gmail.com

Nov 17, 2015
The father she never knew
by: Anonymous

I will always carry it with me…..knowing I left my daughter and her mom. It was unconscionably wrong. I would change my decision in a heartbeat, if I was given the chance again. It was completely my fault.

I read every single account from daughters that never knew their father. I sort through all the comments and emotions and I know they are all valid and justified. Do other fathers realize the terrible mistake they have made in the lives of their children? It haunts me knowing I am part of that group.

I thought of her all the time. I mean all the time.

Finally, I found the courage and I wrote to her and she responded gently and with class. I was absolutely overwhelmed with her words. It is truly an honor to know her.

Through her, I have found the moments that mean the most cannot be seen with the eyes, only with the heart. You just have to learn that for yourself.

Nov 16, 2015
Interesting web site on this Topic
by: FYDWisdom@gmail.com


Nov 16, 2015
by: Anonymous

I understand his pain. It's unlike any other pain. It involves a feeling of self shame, anger, resentment, love, hope, fear, curiosity, sadness and to be honest just about every emotion all in one instant of the thought of the absent father. I read a quote recently that said quite basically 'I would rather regret the things in life that I did do rather than the things I didn't do '. Over time the father gets older and feels more shame and fear of the childs reaction to them and the backlash of anger they might receive by reaching out. Over time the father unknowing the childs life may believe the child may have a step father who raised them and are ashamed to appear and step on that relationship. We have to think of the father too and not with hate but as a human being. I still have not met my father not once. I'm almost 40. Never had any contact ever. I'm the product of a teenage one night stand. I could find him very easily. And he could also have found me very easily. Two stubborn people. I had fear, anger and embarrassment all my life. Only recently did I let the quote I mentioned earlier hit home to me and decide this is the year I erase the question marks from my mind about him. Only recently also did I mature enough to think of what he MAY be feeling. I'm taking the chance. I haven't received a response and it's been 2 months with 3 messages to three different contacts in his family but I'm not giving up. I did nothing wrong and I won't stop until I get one of two answers, do not contact us again or we will talk to you. I am ready for either. Either one of those is better than the question mark. Imagine the pain your husband will feel if he read his fathers obituary seeing it's too late to do anything. See the father as a human, face the feelings, act now before its too late and have no regrets. We as the children have to remember we are the victims. We did nothing wrong. We are allowed to love our fathers even though we don't know him and we deserve answers. Xoxo to you. Encourage him to face this.

Nov 16, 2015
I Have Never Met My Father
by: FYDWisdom@gmail.com

I Have Never Met My Father

My Thought’s: I’ve always wanted to know everything there is to know about my dad. I’ve wanted to know what he was like. Was he fun and easy-going or strict and controlling? Was he quick-witted and sharp or more reserved and quiet? What color were his eye’s, what size of shoe does he wear, is he tall or short, skinny or fat, does he have a full head of hair or is he bald? What are his hobbies? Does he enjoy the outdoors, fishing and hunting or is he more of a TV type? What makes him happy? What are his fears and insecurities? What is he like during the holidays? What is his favorite holiday: Christmas, Fourth of July, or Thanksgiving? Does he enjoy watching College Football or is he more into basketball?
The list of questions is endless. I think my Mother could have offered more details about his life. I think some of the small things were inadvertently passed over and maybe some of the bigger things were withheld for either my benefit or a deep-seated fear of my Mothers. Either way, I think the parent should offer as much information as possible about the child’s father. The alternative is the child develops a fantasy of what they think the father is like. As I grew older the fantasy of my father continued to grow. Over time I developed this image of him that he could do no wrong. By way of this vision, I think I unfairly began to place blame towards my Mother. Developing the magical person I so desperately desired in my life consequently put my Mother In a position as the bad person.
The "B" Word
To me the most disgusting word in the English language is the word "Bastard." I feel so deeply hurt by this word; I wished the dictionary would quit putting it in as a legitimate word. I wander if other children of unwed mothers feel similar.
My Memory: When I was 7 or 8 years old, I was over playing at my cousin’s house. There was a boy who lived across the street from my cousin who would often come and play with us. I remember that this particular day we were playing in my cousin’s bedroom. Out of the blue, the neighbor boy asked me about my dad. Not thinking much about it I replied, "My mom and dad never got married" – his reaction to this was news was somewhat of a surprised response like I was the butt of some dirty joke. The next comment he made was a comment that I will never forget. He said, "There’s a word for people like you" not having any idea as to what he was talking about in addition to thinking he was just making some stupid joke I asked him what it was. At this very point I believe that my life took its first drastic turn. The neighbor boy said "You’re a BASTARD." I think looking back on it so many years later that I had heard that word before. I knew it was a bad word and we shouldn’t be saying it. I also knew the neighbor boy knew it was a bad word by the way he said it, he actually lowered his voice when the "B" word hit his lips. The feeling and emotions I felt at that exact moment were like nothing I had ever felt before. The first and strongest emotion that comes back to me is the feeling of utter embarrassment and shame. I don’t know exactly why I felt embarrassed, maybe it was because I was associated with a bad word, maybe I felt I had done something wrong and didn’t even know it, or maybe it was just the way he said it that made me feel bad. I also felt this incredible sadness. I wanted to cry, that word had hit me so hard I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I felt anger and hate, why did the neighbor boy have to ruin my life by telling me this, but also, I thought we were friends and why did he have to hurt me. I don’t really remember being mad or angry at my father or mother at this time, just upset with myself. It is the first time in my life that I felt time stand still. My world actually stopped. I just sat there as that word bounced around in my head; over and over and over again. I didn’t know what to do or say. It felt like that room temperature had instantly tripled. I felt sick to my stomach and had a huge frog in my throat – I actually thought I was dying. I wanted to be by myself, I wanted everything and everyone to go away. What was I going to do? To my surprise, my cousin and the neighbor boy continued to play as if not realizing the enormous weight of what had just happened. I tried my best to play it off as no big deal. Eventually, they left and went to play somewhere else and I was finally left alone. I remember crying by myself. I think this is the first time in my life that I truly felt pain. It was also the point at which I began thinking I was different then everyone else. I truly began to see myself as less than everyone else. I didn’t tell anyone of this experience, not my mother, not my aunt or uncle –no one. I held it all in and tried to process it myself. I was only 7 or 8 years old and already was developing a poor image of my own self-worth.
My Thoughts: Looking back at this moments I realize how much it affected my life. A sense of "Shame" and "Embarrassment" prevented me from going to my Mother and talking about it. Maybe I convinced myself that if I don’t talk to her maybe she won’t find out there’s a word for me. I really felt as though it was something I had done or I should have controlled better. Holding it in only made matters worse, as I grew older I began coping with un-pleasant situations by burying them deep down inside. Never talking about them produced a sense of avoidance that I am convinced is directly related to shame or embarrassment. I wander if things might have been different had I talked to someone. Maybe my Mother could have rebuilt my self-esteem. Maybe she could have explained to me that it wasn’t my fault – I had no say in the decisions or choices.
The Toughest Years
The toughest years for me to handle were my 4th, 5th and 6th grade years of school. It was at this point that it felt like all of my friends had this perfect dad to go do all types of fun "guy things" with. All of my buddies were getting involved with sports, especially football, basketball and baseball. It seemed like all my friends were going on these father / son camping trips. Some of my friends were getting to start going with their fathers on hunting trips and getting their first guns. It just really felt like I was missing out on something.
My Memory: It was my 5th grade year when boys could start participating in tackle football. All of my friends had signed up, so I "striving" to be "normal" signed up to. As time drew nearer to our first practice all my friends were getting real fired up, I kinda went along for the ride. Finally the 1st day of practice arrived. I remember getting dressed in all my football gear and riding my bike to the practice fields. When I arrived, I laid my bike down on the ground and started to walk over to the rest of the team. As I approached the team, the coach (a man I didn’t know) standing in front of all the players, parents and others, yelled for me to come to the front. Not thinking anything about it, I walked to where the coach was standing. As I stood there with all my football pads on and helmet in hand, he asked if he could see my helmet. As I handed this man my helmet I remember beginning to feel a bit uneasy. As the coach took my helmet into his hands he said "There’s no way I’m going to let you practice or play in this flimsy plastic helmet." It was at this point I began to look at my teammates. Their helmets and pads looked a lot more protective then mine. It was not until years later that I found out the football uniform I had wore to practice that evening was nothing more than a Halloween Costume my Mother had bought the year before. I remember how excited I was about playing football. The excitement I had bottled up was destroyed instantly by my coach – a man I didn’t even know. I remember thinking that everyone there was laughing at me – hey look at the kid in the piece of crap football uniform. The 1st practice took place with me sitting on the sidelines watching all my friends learn to play the game of football. I felt so stupid just sitting there, not being included. Once again, this unreal sense of embarrassment overcame me. Once again I wanted to cry, man I wanted to cry so bad it hurt. But I wouldn’t allow myself the opportunity, at least not in front of my friends. I remember sitting there trying to look as though I was learning and functioning as part of the team. But as I sat there staring out to the field I was really staring as nothing. Even though my vision was 20/20 that evening, I really didn’t see what was going on. I sat there without moving for the entire hour of practice. Parents were scattered here and there watching practice. I just sat there. When practice ended, I grabbed my bike and rode home. I remember crying the whole way home. These were tears of embarrassment and shame like before but now another element emerged, anger. I was angry; I was angry at my coach for embarrassing me in front of everyone, I was angry at my Mother for not getting me the right football equipment and I was angry at my Father for not being there to make sure I had the right stuff. This is the first time I recall feeling a sense of anger towards the man that choose not to be a part of my life. The embarrassment compounded by anger brought about a new sensation to my life. It was at this point I began to question God and wish I had never been born. I hated myself and my life. I didn’t like the position God had put me in.
Enough for now. Thanks again for your taking the time to read my story. I have a lot more to add when the time is right. If nothing else I hope the reader can begin to understand the effects of growing up fatherless can create.

Nov 16, 2015
How to Come in Contact With the Father You Have Never Met
by: FYDWisdom@gmail.com


Nov 16, 2015
A letter to ...The father I never met
by: FYDWisdom@gmail.com

Fathers please respond with some insight This is to show perspective on both sides


A letter to ...The father I never met
Saturday 29 December 2007 18.34 EST
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For 25 years you've made up half of my genetic makeup, yet my thoughts about you have been fleeting. You have never given me your time, money or love, yet the one thing you gave me was consistency: you were consistently not there. I've never even received a birthday card from you, yet I write you this letter. It is a letter that I thought I'd never write.

"My dad" seems such a strange phrase to me, but that is what you are. We have never had a conversation, and I suppose this is the closest I will get to having one with you.

The only times I ever thought of you were when my mum mentioned you. As a child, I feigned interest when she talked about you, showed me photos and asked me if I had any questions. She never bad-mouthed you. And I was never curious about you. I remember trying to think of a question when Mum asked me if I had any. After all these years of no interest, it shocks me that I judge you, that I have formulated an opinion about you, this stranger who I know I will never meet. I feel no resentment towards you, have never missed you, nor am I bitter. But, as an adult, I do judge you.

You weren't some teenage kid or an unsure 20-odd-year-old. You were in your 30s when my mum told you she was pregnant. Old enough to know better. Old enough to know your own mind. Old enough to take responsibility. You were with my mum for years, not months, yet you just left. How weak of you. How irresponsible of you. How selfish of you.

I remember the times when it was hard for my mum because she had to do it all, be responsible for every little thing and do the work of two parents. While it is true there have been some difficulties, there have also been a lot of wonderful times. I am sure it was easier for us without you, and I am grateful. There were no birthdays where I wondered if you would remember to buy me a present. There was no crying or confusion after listening to Mum and Dad fighting.


I wonder if you ever think of the family that you will never know. I am old enough to have had children by now. You are old enough to be a grandfather. Maybe you have another family. I doubt it somehow. It was only about 10 years ago that my mum approached you via the Child Support Agency. After being contacted, you became "untraceable". I was only a few years away from turning 18, the age at which you would not be liable to contribute financially to my upbringing. Again, how irresponsible of you. How selfish of you.

Some people in my situation spend years fantasising about making contact with the parent that abandoned them. Never do I think I should try to get in touch with you. Knowing something of your character and that you are an inadequate father who has played no part in my life, I can imagine you would no more want to deal with the reality of having a daughter now than you did back then when I was growing inside my mother's womb. However, it is you who has missed so much.

Two of my girlfriends lost their fathers recently. Their dads were far too young to die. I saw at first hand how tragic and traumatic it was for my friends. While I comforted them, it struck me that the idea of having and losing a father is unknown to me. And because there are no memories of you, it has always been as if you didn't exist at all. Until now. Now you somehow exist in my mind because there is this letter and the opinion that I have formulated of you.


· We will pay £75 for every "Letter to ... " we publish. Contributions should be 800-1,000 words long. Email family@guardian.co.uk, or send them to us at Family, the Guardian, 119 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3ER

Nov 16, 2015
Collaborative Book
by: FYDWisdom@gmail.com

I am thinking about writing a collaborative book from the questions I receive on these various Topics. I also want to collaborate on how the proceeds should be dispersed to credible charities. Please submit any ideas or questions to FYDWisdom@gmail.com

Nov 05, 2015
Why Men Leave—A Hidden Epidemic
by: FYDWisdom@gmail.com

Why Men Leave—A Hidden Epidemic


by John W. Travis, Metung, Victoria, Australia

Assertion: Modern culture is in the midst of a hidden epidemic of fathers leaving their families—usually around the time when the first child is born. Men leave their families in a multitude of ways. Even if they remain in the home, many fathers are often emotionally absent—through depression, workaholism, violence/aggression, physical or emotional abuse, or a retreat into addiction to substances, media, consumer goods, sports, food or sex.

Most men in the "developed" nations today never bonded (or very poorly bonded) with their mothers. Most people don’t even notice how disconnected modern people are from each other, compared to cultures where the bond is still intact. Yes, we talk of alienation and notice how much people in Mediterranean cultures touch each other, but we make no connection between these phenomena and how our bonds among people, with nature, and with the divine have been torn asunder. I propose that this unnoticed, silent epidemic of disconnection/alienation is the source of most societal ills. Fathers leaving their children and their families is only the tip of an iceberg.

As infants, most men in our culture have been bottle fed and subjected to other culturally-endorsed patterns of normative abuse, such as sleeping alone or being left to cry when their needs weren’t met. Biologically, the male is the more fragile gender of our species and developmentally lags years behind females—well into adulthood. Instead of getting the extra nurturing needed to compensate for being the weaker sex, by age five, males in almost all cultures get far less nurturing than females. It’s no surprise, then, that most of the unbonded boys in our culture grow into men who spend a good deal of their time unconsciously seeking (and fueled by advertising that prominently features the breasts they were denied) a mommy-figure to provide them with the nurturing they were denied as infants/children. Part of their survival mechanism is to learn to deny their feelings and project their unmet needs for nurturing onto substitutes, such as women, and other externals, the most common of which are consumerism, workaholism, and other addictions.
We unbonded men may manage pretty well in our marriages for a while, but when our "mommy" gives birth and suddenly turns her focus toward her newborn, we usually lose much of the nurturance we were getting from our partners. This is almost inevitable, given the state of disconnection predominant (but taken for grante
My Stroke Supply

Having never experienced a nurturing mother, I’ve subsequently spent most of my life looking for a replacement.

I thought getting married and becoming a doctor would somehow fulfill me, so at age five I blindly set on a course of 22 years of schooling that would handle the latter, and assumed somehow the right "girl" would magically appear about the time I became a doctor. Although I had few social skills, I wasn’t deterred in my belief that she would appear.

Much to my surprise, marriage midway through medical school didn’t suddenly make my life better, just more complicated. My feelings of emptiness got worse as my depressions deepened. After three years of marriage and several crises, my wife said we had to have a baby or split. I thought I had to comply, since divorce wasn’t an option in my family. Reluctantly, in 1972, I became a father.
It was great at first, the excitement of a new being, but then the reality hit—I was a lot lower on my wife’s attention list. I began to get more and more depressed, leading eventually to our getting into therapy. There I learned I actually had feelings, and could express them, though with great difficulty—even to this day. We began learning about the unconscious patterns we’d been playing out in our symbiotic marriage, but seemed relatively powerless to change them. However, my experience with this reparenting therapy group became the basis for my pioneering work in wellness and, later, my observation that failed bonding/attachment is the primary impediment to well being and fulfillment as an adult.

Despite learning a great deal about my inner workings, I still was depressed most of the time. When our daughter was two and a half, the pain became so great that I realized I had to leave in order to keep my own sanity. I was sometimes close to being suicidal. So I abandoned my first daughter, with whom I had never really bonded—clearly out of my own inexperience with this natural phenomenon.

The cycle began again with another intense, three-year relationship. I was still unconsciously seeking the mommy I never had, and while I reveled in the attention I received, it wasn’t enough, and my new partner felt drained by my neediness. It was around this time that I first heard of the book Magical Child and author Joseph Chilton Pearce’s efforts to reframe children’s needs for the breast, constant presence of the mother, etc., as legitimate nurturing needs rather than mere ‘indulgences’ apt to ‘spoil’ a child. But I didn’t think it had any applicability to me. Subconsciously I didn’t want to stir up my painful, well-repressed childhood recollections. I tried to learn to love myself and follow the tenets of self-responsibility I was helping to promote at the time, all the while struggling with my chronic depression. I was only marginally successful. Deep down, something always felt wrong.

A year later I met and fell in love with an Australian, Meryn Callander. As our love blossomed, we were often challenged in our new-forming relationship, but we managed, and a year later, married. Meryn and I also began to work together professionally, first with authoring books, and then creating authentic community, especially for helping professionals who are often lonely and unable to connect with peers on an emotional level. It was through Meryn’s studies of feminist spirituality that I became aware of the estrangement rampant throughout western culture leading to the authoritarian institutions that surround us, like medicine, law and the educational system. I had been struggling with aspects of this phenomenon in my work with our Wellness Resource Center the previous seven years, but had no understanding of the bigger picture.


My personal journey reveals just one of the many ways that failed bonding can show up in a family dynamic. Fortunately, it’s within our wounds that our gifts may be revealed. Certainly my work in wellness has been strongly influenced by my pain, and without seeing this in the larger perspective of a personal journey, I think I’d have just gotten lost in the suffering. If you have not found the gift in your own wounding, please keep looking. I believe it is there.

Nov 05, 2015
Feeling Angry
by: FYDWisdom@gmail.com

I have been where you are. It is hard to explain to someone who has not. Do you know if you biological father is still alive? Your active father that raised you thought he protecting you. He didn't want you to feel abandoned or "different". This type of thinking was common 30 years ago and the more time that passes the harder it is to admit the truth. IT is completely the wrong way to teach a child honesty and trust, but I believe they did what (a)They thought was best for the child and (b) They didn't want their family to have the stigma of a failed marriage or a child out of wedlock. The awful mistreatment and judgement of a woman got pregnant or divorced caused people to act irrationally to avoid the stigma. I can help you work through it.

Here is what I know. You are what you make of yourself. It is helpful to meet your biological parent if possible. Running and exercise helps disparate the rage and uncertainty. I am available to help you work through this if you would like to talk.


Nov 04, 2015
Feeling angry
by: Anonymous

Hi all
I've just found out that the man I called dad for 37 years was not my biological father. Watchmaker things worst is he passed away 5 months ago apparently he wanted to tell me before he passed but he died suddenly from a long battle with cancer so never got the chance. I only found out today so still in abit of shock. How do you get through something like this its killing me inside to know that I'm not who I thought I was. I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm more angry and disappointed that I've been lied to for all these years.

Nov 04, 2015
by: FYDWisdom@gmail.com

My father probably remembers the first day we met better than I do. I was probably wet and wrinkly, and he was probably nervous and excited about being a dad for the second time. The earliest memories I have of him are sitting down to create a book out of construction paper and crayons that would later be titled "The Strawberry Castle," a tale of sugarcane windowpanes and chocolate bar doors. I remember walking around in his size 10 Pumas. I recall the rides we would take on autumn nights to pick up my mom from work when I was still small enough to crawl into the backseat of his brand new Cougar. I even remember laying across the bed with no shirt on as a toddler to watch Star Trek, because I wanted to be just like my dad.

Unfortunately some women don’t get to meet their fathers until they are nearly mothers themselves. A close friend of mine recently met her father for the first time at of all places a funeral. She had always had some contact with his family, so when she learned her uncle had passed she decided she would pay her respects since she had only good memories of him, even though they were few. Soon the word spread that her father would be making an appearance which was kind of a big deal since literally "papa was a rolling stone" who had no kind of real roots anywhere. She was nervous, apprehensive and had even thought of backing out. Nonetheless as that Saturday came to a close, her first encounter with her father proved to be bittersweet. She later expressed over the phone to me, "he hugged me, but said ‘I got something really important to take care of.’" After a few quick embraces and catch-up conversations with a few members of the family, he disappeared out the door. He had something important to take care of alright, only she was left wondering why her father bailed out on making any kind of connection with her.
Out of 12.2 million single parent families in 2012, more than 80% were headed by single mothers, many of them raising children who eventually have little to no contact with their father. What should a young woman consider when making the difficult decision to meet a father who has been absent for most of her life? I think the first question is what she feels she has to gain from meeting her biological father. Maybe you want to ask him questions your mother can’t give you the answers to, maybe you need emotional closure, or maybe his DNA is the difference between life and death for you or your child. Because the truth is some things are better left unsaid and you have to consider that you may not get the answers you were seeking. Will meeting your biological father make your life any better? My friend was left with so many conflicting feelings after meeting her dad, but the truth is the woman she had grown to be without him in her life was pretty impressive. She’s a phenomenal mother, driven in her education and career, responsible and independent. I can’t pretend to relate to the void she may have carried with her throughout her life, but I couldn’t help but wonder the difference her dad would’ve made because in my opinion without him she was pretty damn great.

I think it’s also important to not make assumptions. There are two sides to every story and it’s easy for women (even our mothers) to let their own bitterness and resentment cloud their memory and judgment. It’s very well possible that your father made attempts to maintain a relationship with you, but was refuted. If you do plan to meet your father, don’t come armed ready to ramble off every disadvantage you’ve been dealt in life a result of growing up with a single mother. Make an effort to listen to his reasoning, even if to you they sound like shallow excuses.

Are you looking at this reunion as the beginning of a new relationship or the closure to emptiness and confusion? The first meeting will probably bring to the surface many contradicting emotions that can be difficult to deal with at any age. If the meeting doesn’t go as smoothly as you had envisioned, it doesn’t need to set the tone for the whole relationship. Sharing DNA doesn’t automatically equal feelings of comfort and security. It’s important to be patient; essentially you’re meeting a stranger and it may take weeks, months even years to establish feelings of closeness. You have to determine the amount of energy and effort you want to put into building this relationship. If you feel like this situation is causing you more pain than anything, it may be better for you to love your dad from a distance.

Another thing meeting your father for the first time can bring is the urge to place blame on the life he has built beyond you. It’s natural to want to blame the new girlfriend, wife or children for his absence from your life. Unfortunately, this family may not have knowledge of you or the life he left behind and that isn’t really their fault. This experience may be as new to them as it is to you. As painful as it is to accept that your father played his part for siblings you never knew existed, it may be just as painful for them to learn their father had another life they knew nothing about. For some reason (and I’ve seen it happen time and time again) people sometimes do better when they have a second chance at family. I think it has a lot to do with life experience, growth and maturity. I’ve seen some deadbeat dads that make incredible grandfathers. For some men being a grandfather is like being given a second chance, and men who don’t have seamless relationships with their own children end up being some pretty great "Pop Pops". I don’t think children should be denied a relationship with their grandparents even if those parents aren’t on the best of terms with their own parents..

My best advice from what I witnessed: Meet your father when you are at a good place in your life, when developing a relationship with him will only enhance your life. Don’t go into it looking to punish him or fix or fill something within yourself. Meeting a father who wasn’t around to watch you grow up won’t eliminate all of your insecurities, it won’t make up for missed birthday parties or father-daughter dances. What it can be is a new beginning for a different kind of relationship or it can be a brutal reminder of rejection. Someone has to be brave enough to be the bigger person and extend the opportunity to be better. I can’t claim to know what it’s like to never know my father, but what I do know is that everyone who procreates shouldn’t necessarily be parents, and some people never rise to the occasion. All girls deserve some kind of father-figure, whether it be an uncle, a godfather or trusted family friend. We can’t allow ourselves to get so caught up in wanting the same guy who is responsible that bump on your nose you inherited being the same guy who gives you a lifetime of love and support. I hate to say it, but some fathers actually did their children a favor by staying OUT of their lives. The best thing you can do is be confident in the love and support of the family that you have. Everyone wants some sense of tradition and identity, but being a good father requires more than contributing a chromosome.

Nov 04, 2015
Why Adoptees Need To Find Their Biological Parents
by: FYDWisdom@gmail.com


I can't speak for all adult adoptees but I can say—after interviewing several of them over the years—that many of us have trouble feeling completely comfortable wherever we are—no matter how welcomed we may be. At times our discomfort can manifest in distancing, indifference, or even rudeness, but we usually don't intend to insult anybody. We just seem to have an internalized nomadic notion that we don't belong anywhere in particular. Even when we do settle somewhere we often work our asses off to prove our worthiness—just in case anyone gets any ideas about putting us back up for adoption. While watching my oldest daughter play at a neighborhood park, I thought to myself: "Wow, she looks just like me. What a miracle!" Well, to me it was a miracle. It was thrilling and heart-warming, but it was also a little strange—I almost cried. For the next several months I had to work on emotionally claiming her as my own.

Some of us who were adopted in "closed states" (or states that don't allow for the free exchange of even the most vital information such as a health history) have a lingering fear that we might drop dead at any moment. I just love filling out the medical history questionnaire at a new doctor's office; the one that asks what diseases your parents suffered from. How about the question: What age was your father when he died? How should I know? The great state of so and so...won't tell me. Not knowing one's medical history is especially annoying to those of us adoptees who have biological children. What am I passing on? Will I be around for the weddings?

By the time I hit my forties I was tired of the intrigue. My adopted parents were deceased and I felt it was time to explore what I came to see as a hole in my life. The research indicates that many adopted children feel this way, and may embark on a biological search even if they've had a positive experience with their adopted parents. I also wanted to explore the fantasy that my biological father was Al Pacino and my mother was Candace Bergen (Don't laugh...she and I both went to Penn).

The search process, as it is affectionately known, was not for the faint of heart—but it was fascinating. By calling in a few favors and hiring a private investigator, I was able to have bio mom tracked down within a few days. Apparently, PIs don't just sit in cars with a zoom lens; they now use powerful computers to find people. Initially, bio mom was reluctant to speak with me. The PI said she was afraid that I was looking for money. But after convincing her that I was more interested in my medical chart than her portfolio, bio mom allowed me to charm her. No, bio mom wasn't Candace Bergen—and she assured me Pacino wasn't pop—but she jokingly told me that as long as I continued to exercise and consume my share of bran muffins I would have a better than even chance of dancing at my daughters' weddings.

I also discovered that bio mom had some significant attachment issues—go figure. She told me that she was ashamed of putting me up for adoption. Apparently bio dad (deceased by this time) was less than thrilled about being a father at 50. But I got a stronger sense that these two antiseptic, orderly people were thrown off course by the emergent threat of yours truly...and headed for the hills. By the way, bio parents actually had me, put me up for adoption, and then married. More often than not a pregnant teenager is the bio mom and the father is some long-lost guy she barely remembers.

Bio mom and I continued our telephone relationship for the next several years, but sadly enough, it just plain wore out. I got tired of playing in a fixed pursuer-distancer dance and so I did what a lot of adopted kids might do in a situation like this—I disappeared. I took my medical history and a few more tidbits and I faded with a new appreciation for my adopted parents. They weren't perfect, but neither was I. As for bio mom, I hope she lives forever. She wasn't a bad sort, and my kids could sure use the good genes.

Nov 04, 2015
What is your last name? For your kids
by: FYDWisdom@gmail.com

I personally struggled with my last name. I had 2 birth certificates with different last names. How do you reconcile that? What do you name kids? I personally came to the realization that I built my name over 28 years. The player makes the number, the number does not make the player. I also thought I owed the man that raised me and forged my petulant ass into the man and father that I have evolved into. If it wasn't his strong constant persistence, I could have easily gone off track. To all the men that are raising and child in this situation, it is one of the most difficult task a man can take on. But I can tell you this I have more respect for the father that raised me than any one on the planet. Thanks to all you exponential Dads out there, picking up the slack for the misguided and maltreated. Your breaking a cycle that will affect generations.

Oct 29, 2015
Mark from Texas
by: Anonymous

Mark from Texas,

Absolutely make the call. Get the information you need from your first love and be sure to find out if this is something your son wants. DNA test, maybe? Be careful with all the innocent hearts (potential daughter-in-law and grand kids). Still, it sounds positive and that’s good start.

Similar to answers from recent posts, I would say get the truth out there. There’s an old saying, "It’s never too early until it’s too late". Take care and get started, right now.

Oct 29, 2015
My Father
by: Find Your Dad

Go meet the man. You will be able to tell if he is your son immediately. Get and cheek swab DNA test. Stay healthy exercise and you could spend 40 years with your new found son. I met my Dad when I was 28. It is a surreal feeling to meet your Dad as an adult. It is like you have known each other forever instantly. The past is dead the future is uncertain the time for action is now. Email me if you need advice


Oct 29, 2015
Just found out I have another son
by: Mark from Texas

Recently, I was invited to a funeral of an old childhood friend from my home town by his sister who was also my first love and girlfriend. At the time she was my first love at 15 or 16, I was 18 or 19. I am 61 years old now. My friend who died was also 61.
At the same time, I had another girlfriend a bit older than her who was of legal marrying age, and I can only assume at that time her mother wanted us married because, I found out later after we divorced (2 years later) that she wasn't a biological child of her father.(Anyway..on with the story)...
I married the older girl but really loved the first love more. I had to make a choice and the one I made was a bad one. We divorced...
Years go by, I marry again for 14 years and off and on thru my life my first love appears and I hold her back an arms length and tell her I'm Married.
Now I'm 61 and married again..Third one. I love this woman and would never leave her. Even now, my first love has reappeared off and on and she knows I'm quite dedicated to my wife. But now she's actually seen me move, talk and laugh and cry..at the funeral. 2 Months later I get an e-mail. BOOM!
Titled: "I truly need to talk to you"
Long E-mail shortened: " It has been brought to the forefront, the issue of paternity."..."I need to ask some questions"..."My sons name is the same as yours"..."I can send you pictures"..."I would be so pleased if you would be his father"..."he's married and has three girls and a lovely wife"..."I am not making any demands, and await your response"
Is this my child I ask? It certainly could be I decide after hours of thinking. We were both young and careless and after all, it was the first time for sex for us both unprotected.
I'm soon to call her and find out more, but just wanted others to know...I am hoping beyond hope, that he IS my SON! So many questions I have. Imagine you're me! This is awful and at the same time awesome. I already have one son who was taken away from me by by my second wife who I haven't seen since he was 8. No one knows where he is now. Do I deserve another son? Does he know about me? Why didn't she tell me sooner? Is he all mind-bent from not knowing like so many have commented here?
I wish you all the best, as I am going to the right thing through the eyes of God and my own personal beliefs of decency.
I need something to make my final years of life complete.
What would you do? She has left this all up to me to pursue according to her E-mail!
I write this here to help me get the courage to MAKE THAT CALL! Wish me luck...Mark...

Oct 24, 2015
My Father
by: Fydwisdom@gmail.com

You have to find a way to tell them. You job is to prepare them for life as it is....not as you wish it was. They will find out and wonder if they can trust anyone if they can't trust you. Let them read this Web site....tell them a story about another fame first. Do anything but mislead them. It's not their burden and hiding makes them feel something is wrong with them. This is hard now but what's best for them. I found out the hard way and if it wasn't and I still can't believe no one told me.....

I can help.....reach out anytime...it can be a slow process....we can figure it out together...

Find your dad.....


Oct 24, 2015
My father's
by: Anonymous

I was twelve years old when I found out that my step-father was not my biological father. Mom sent my sister and I to live with my real father, and we stayed with him for two years. I came home and no longer called my step-father "dad" like I use to. I can only imagine the hurt he must have felt. Throughout my life, I was able to keep in contact with both of my father's, and I think this is why the "situation" did not devastate me like it does others.

Now, I am a 54 year old grandmother, and I have a sad, sad story to tell about one of my grandsons and a granddaughter. My step-daughter and my son had a relationship that resulted in a pregnancy. This child is of course my grandson and my husbands grandson. My step-daughter was also having a relationship with another man at the time. Because my son ended up incarcerated, my step daughter chose to go with the other man and told him the child was his. My step daughter being from Mexico, threatened that she would take the child to Mexico if anyone told the other man the truth. I felt helpless, and so did my son. We let it be, knowing that he would be with us in the United States at least.

Nine months after my grandson was born, another one of my same son's children was born. She is a girl. This child was the result of a very short relationship. The child was taken away from her mother due to neglect, and I took the child to raise as my own. I now have two children in our household (for the last 13 years), who are my sons biological children. They have grown up in the same household and were told that they are cousins. I am so very sad about this, and fear for their emotional health if one day they are to learn that they are really brother and sister.

Oct 21, 2015
Reconcile with my mother... Find your Dad Wisdom
by: fydwisdom@gmail.com

This is a follow up to a previous post on reconciling with my mother. I really try to look at the issue from all perspectives. There is barely any information on this topic available to us now, much less 20, 30, 40 years ago. You buried your secrets and life moves on. My issue is not talking to your son or daughter about the truth of their life. A situation which was suddenly dropped into their lap with no warning. I brought this site up to my mother hoping that reading others stories would give her some insight. Her response was "why are you letting this father stuff control you? You have a father that loves you."
How can we expect someone that has never been through this to understand what they put us through. They knew both of their parents. They have no idea what is like to be misled, live with uncertainty and doubt that you didn't know you had until the truth was brought out. In my case, it has strengthened my trust in my intuition. Everything that I questioned or doubted turned out to be for good reason. Now when that feeling arises I listen to it like a siren. My intuition is razor sharp! I have created 2 other outlets for people on this thread. Find your Dad Wisdom on pinterest and Google+ fydwisdom@gmail.com.


Another good search to look under is child alienation.


Good luck to you all. My advice is to seek out and meet your Dad. It releases tension that you don't realize you have until it subsides.

Oct 20, 2015
Find your Dad Wisdom
by: Anonymous

There is google community that I have linked to this web page where people can share advice, experience, and knowledge on finding your biological father. If you have questions please email me at fydwisdom@gmail.com

Oct 19, 2015
by: Reconcile info@extk.com

I posted earlier about trying to reconcile with my Mom who's opinion is.... she did what she thought was best for me under her circumstances. She wanted me to have a normal life.

I have been struggling with this for 20 years, here are some observations and emotions that may arise.

Hiding the relationship subconsciously infers she is ashamed of the outcome (me)

If you misled me on this, how can I trust anything you have said.

Your pride was more important than my sanity or knowing my grandmother

There is more to be gained from this experience every day

Meditation and running calms the fury, clearer thinking strengthens the soul.

"FYD Wisdom" on Pinterest is another outlet for information.

If you need help email me info@ extk.com

Oct 19, 2015
by: for Amanda


We share a very similar story and I encourage you to take the next step. I know it is difficult and your heart will probably be beating through your chest, but finish the search. It is almost impossible to hide these days and the information you want is out there. Remember, this is for you. If it is important to you, it doesn’t matter what others have said. It’s on a different level for you. Find out for yourself. Sometimes you just have to be stubborn about it.

I’m going to mention some things, because this is what I felt in finding my daughter. It is possible your dad may feel similar emotions. I write this for you and maybe some of it will help.

I found my daughter (who was just about your age) doing my own search. I remember finding that first photograph and just staring. There were tears, so many tears I was sure there were none left. I have never cried like that in my life. After what I had done, I felt I didn’t deserve the right to meet her. There were definitely dark days for me with the realization of suffocating regret. I seriously contemplated the bitter end, but a thought crossed my mind, "Give her a chance to respond". That single thought, from out of nowhere, has me writing to you today.

When I wrote my letter, I knew nothing of what was said about me, not a single word. Still, I felt I should write, no matter what, and let her decide. It would be just us and we would come to our own conclusions. It was a good letter, positive. She said to me, "We can’t get it back, but now is our time".

Amanda, when you reach out to him, your dad may have to work through some gut wrenching emotions at some point. It should be difficult, it is hard. Ultimately they are cleansing. I guarantee, as sure as the sun shines in your face, you have keys to doors in his heart that he doesn’t even know are locked. You are his daughter and you have always had the keys. I believe if you contact him gently, compassionately, and sincerely, those doors will open by themselves.

Some things need to simmer (in a good way).

Amanda, things worked out in my story because of the open heart of my daughter. I sincerely wish that for you.

You mentioned other concerns, but first things first. Communication.

Oct 17, 2015
by: Amanda

I have read many of your stories and I do find comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. My mother had met and married her current husband of 20 years when I was about 4. I remember a little before she had met my adopted father and knew that it was just her and I before that. She eventually explained to me when I was around 6 that I had a real dad who had left before I was born. She always painted him as a bad person who stole from my uncle and anytime I brought it up years after she became offended and accused me of being ungrateful of the father figure she had replaced him with. On the contrary, I am very thankful for my adopted father, he is a great guy who has always been there for me and my (half) brother and sister. But it has always eaten away at me not knowing my real dad or even seeing a picture of him. I know his name and his birthday and that he lives in kentucky, but I can't muster the courage to complete an actual search. I think I'm afraid of learning who he is, and finding out if he is the monster my mother painted him out to be or not. Maybe I'm afraid of being more like him than I thought? In some ways, I can resonate with him and being an afraid 19 year old who got someone pregnant and wasn't ready for a child. I know he had called my uncle's house looking for my mother when I was about 12 but my mom made it a point to tell me he had never asked about me. It has always been presented to me that I shouldn't give a shit about him because he didn't care enough to see how I was. I guess there was another situation where she brought me to his mother's house when I was a baby so that he could meet me and he didn't show up. I understand how this probably hurt her but it doesn't change the years of hurt I've experienced struggling with my identity and never feeling like I knew who I was. I'm 28 now, and a lot of my problems stem from me not knowing who I am and always feeling lost. I know that meeting him won't complete me, but I think it may be a step in the right direction. Any advice would help. Thank you.

Oct 08, 2015
Reconcile with my mother...
by: Anonymous

Looking for ways to reconcile…..such a powerful opening by your heart. This belief should take you all the way. Still, on your mother’s side, there is a lot of energy burned out of fear. Of what? For her, probably many reasons and they may not make sense to you. Be gentle, you must bring her peace, not judgment. She has been holding her breath all these years and maybe not even knowing what it has caused. Let her exhale and make sure you are there for her when she takes that first fresh breath, probably with cleansing tears. It will happen. Who else would she trust with her deep personal concerns? You are her blood. Be her foundation, solid, and quietly assuring. Your open heart and moments of time, they are a formidable loving force.

You mentioned you were close to your mom. One way or another, you two have set some self imposed limits and walls. Banish these thoughts, now! Move forward from this very second. You will find a much deeper bond with your mom as this passes. The sun will come up tomorrow, so be a part of that kind of awakening.

People never forget how you make them feel. Give love.

All the best to you…

Oct 06, 2015
How do I reconcile with my mother?
by: Anonymous

Same type of issue....left Mom remarried when I was 2. I was raised that my stepdad was my dad. We were like oil and water.

Looking for ways to reconcile with my mother. We were close and I can't believe she wouldn't tell me.........it's unfathomable

Sep 28, 2015
Wondering About DNA
by: Anonymous

The DNA test you’re thinking about, who are you going to compare it with? You could do something like "23andMe" to get on a huge data base. Even that is still a long shot, but for your situation maybe it is a valuable action (what if this man was looking for you?) I understand to a degree, as I’m going through a DNA situation myself. If only there was a way to get more information on your bio Dad from your Mom. You didn’t mention Facebook. That might be worth a look just for the potential photographs you could come across. The information you are looking for is out there. You will find it and then what are you going to do? This brings a whole lot of questions to the front. Does this man know about you? Huge question and that answer could change a lot of actions on your part.

Don’t give up hope. Grind this out. There will be more tears, but knowing about "you" is completely worth your every effort. I respect your bravery in this difficult endeavor.

Sep 28, 2015
Wondering about a DNA test
by: Anonymous

Looking up records online I found that my 'parents' had gotten married 14 months after I was born.

This explained the inability of my state to find my birth certificate when I tried to order it online. Turns out it was under my mother's maiden name because she hadn't actually known the person that she said was my dad until after I was born. He was very psychologically abusive - I am actually relieved he is not my parent. I wish they had legally changed my name though instead of just moving to a new area and faking it as all my records weren't in line with my birth certificate and it cost money to fix.

But, my mother has spent my entire life going on and on about how much of a liar I am - I mean things like me getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and her telling me I was lying and didn't need to go to the bathroom - just really random stuff. And while I'm not a saint I am not going around lying to everyone either. So that is probably some form of preemptive strike if I ever found out.

And it seems that she is the one that actually has the truth problem. She finally tells me that the guy who raised me is not my biological father and then she gives me a name ... and then later an age range.

But, there are no military, census or city records that match that name, location and age range. Yes, there are records for that name in that location, but he is either much younger or much older than my mother tells me. Or maybe it's just that she lying to me about the name and/or location.

So I am thinking about having my DNA tested. Maybe they would be able to tell me who I am related to so I could narrow it down or maybe find out it the entire thing is all a lie anyway.

Sep 18, 2015
Bio Dad Makes Me Sad
by: klowey

I'm surprised that so many people are still commenting on this post. I ACCIDENTALLY found out about my biological father a month after my 18th birthday. I had to get my social security card from my filing cabinet for my first summer job and i found my Catholic baptism certificate. It had my mother's name and my "father's" name. But it wasn't my dad that i had known my whole life. After a day of thinking things over, i came to my mom and asked who this person was. She teared up and said "That's your father. He was my boyfriend back then. He wanted me to have an abortion when he found out i was pregnant with you. I didn't tell you because you were already messed up." My mom is Filipino so her choice of words aren't all that great. I guess she meant that I had problems growing up considering she and my dad fought a lot and eventually got divorced. It's been a little over 5 years since i found out. Most days i'm fine. But then i have days like today where I wake up crying thinking "Which one of my biological siblings was conceived when i wished for a little brother or sister on my birthday one year?" I'm relieved i'm not alone here. It hurt me reading that some of you found out your fate later in life. I would really like to meet my half siblings someday. But right now i think they're still kids. Maybe someday they'll google their dad Timothy Althouse from Clarksville Maryland and find this post. Until then, i can only dream.

Sep 02, 2015
Real Dads aren't always the bio parents
by: Anonymous

I’m not in your shoes, but I have realized there is no magic wand or practice scenario that I know to exist. I am only a witness, you were heard, clearly. I wish I could provide more.

You said you had a great father/daughter relationship with your Dad. Cherish those moments. Many have not known that feeling.

Without doubt, you are not alone.

Aug 31, 2015
Real dads aren't always the bio-parents
by: Older but still sad

I confirmed a week ago that my dad/father was not my bio-parent.

Fortunately, when I was growing up no one (except my mother) knew there was a possibility I was not my dad's biological daughter. Dad and I had a great father/daughter relationship and I probably was the closest to him of all three children.

It was many years later that Mom told Dad that I might be not be his biological child. She had an affair with her co-worker around the time of my conception.

Dad said nothing to me until six years later. I was 50 years old by then. I told my father not to place much credence in it. When she made that revelation she was in the beginnings of dementia. I explained the depression and anger associated with early dementia can cause a person to imagine things. Mother was now so far into severe dementia there was no point in me asking her about what she told Dad over a half-decade ago.

Das passed away a few months later and Mom died four years after that. Both of them took this secret to their graves. Mom never knew that Dad let had let me in on her secret and Dad never told anyone else.

During the ensuing years my sister-in-law was doing genealogy as a hobby. She submitted her and my brother's DNA samples to a company for analysis. A few months ago I submitted my sample to a different company.

My results for ancestors' countries of origin differed substantially from my brother's. Last week my sister-in-law loaded my brother's raw DNA files into GEDMatch and I followed suit.

When I compared our autosomal and X chromosomes results it confirmed that were are half-siblings, not full-siblings. We both came from the same mother. That means we had to come from different male parents.

Even though I am 59, Dad and Mom have been gone 9 and 5 years, respectively, this news is still painful on so many levels. I feel as if half my identity is gone.

I can't imagine how devastating something like this must be for those of you who are so much younger and grew up in or are living in difficult circumstances. It has to be so much harder to deal with. I empathize with you.

I do know who the likely sperm donor is. He passed away a few months before my dad did. The sperm donor's wife passed away a couple of years ago. He did have one child, a daughter. She is five years older than me.

My family left my hometown in 1962 so I doubt my mom and he were ever in contact after that. I don't know if he suspected he was the sperm donor or not. The daughter still lives in that town.

Aug 27, 2015
Me Too, response
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your post. You have helped me understand a similar situation in my life from your perspective. I'm not sure if I can add anything or even need to. your words were important and I'm sure others feel the same way.

Aug 18, 2015
Me Too
by: Anonymous

I am over 50 and found out recently that my father is not my father. It's been a surreal journey thus far. I hold my mother -who is dead- accountable for the unconscionably self-centered choice to fabricate and harbor lie after lie about my birth origin.

I'm a grounded, reasonable, thoughtful person -traits I surely inherited from a biological father I will never know anything about. I am a product -though resilient survivor- ( yet, another bio-dad trait, I assume) of a highly dysfunctional family of origin.

I always understood, as a child, that I did not 'mesh' with my family members -in what was a controlled-chaotic alcoholic, detached family system, also plagued by infidelity. I saw it. I lived it. I have the very vivid memories. Most importantly, I had the childhood anxiety -so characteristic of a family system that creates family roles among the children so to enable all those 'secrets' and to protect all those selfish parental choices -all in order that the 'family' would appear 'normal' to the outside world. And it did...and my sibling still goes to incredible lengths to fabricate a 'normal' spin on the family of origin. It's a spectacle. It's so sad to witness...The shear amount of energy it must consume to lie to oneself about your family of origin, your parents accountability...and the pattern that has prevailed with your own choices in parenting.

But, even still, with a certified copy of TWO different DNA tests -done without his knowledge- using blood and cheek swab that irrefutably prove that he is, not at all, my father; there is certain acting out in denial by 'the family' about that reality.

I know my siblings have been negatively impacted by the dysfunctional relationship between their parents, too. But, they would struggle mightily to hold their mother accountable. They were highly influenced, since infancy, by that mother, to place her on a pedestal -one that no human woman/mother could live up to. I would not do that for her, ever. And, she recognized that. And, she resented me for what she labeled as my ‘independence’. As if the demonstration of the trait of an independent spirit in a child is a ‘negative’ thing? Truth: I just didn’t ‘need’ her in the way she demanded. But, that’s due to the reality that I knew, early on , that I could not count on her. Neither could my siblings…but they just didn’t develop the sense of autonomy required to regulate as healthy a relationship with their mother as possible. And to this day…they continue ‘pedestal placing’.
In that mother's insatiable effort and drive to be 'the most adored woman and mother', by others, she prevented her own children from being able to love her unconditionally -for all her flaws. But, then, she didn't have any clue about how to demonstrate unconditional love. But, she just expected it bestowed upon her by others, just the same.

In being confronted with the reality that their mother conceived a child, me -their sibling, by another man, while married to their father, they would automatically justify her unconscionably irresponsible behavior. They excuse the calculated and perpetuated lie, telling themselves that "well, maybe their mother didn't know. So she didn't have any reason (or responsibility) to divulge". That's how much denial these adult children utilize in defense of their mother's clearly irresponsible choices...never giving any thought, much less empathy or compassion to the depth and breadth of burden their mother has left their sibling -a rabbit hole of gargantuan proportion. Yes. Making excuses for their mother -as if a woman is not culpable to consider that when she is choosing to have intercourse with more than one man, within hours or days apart, that she can conceive from either. This is not 'new' math. And, that not telling me -her child- at some appropriate time in my growing - that I could very likely have a father/a family system 'out there', is, benignly, aloofly treating my birth right as some insignificant, inconvenient truth that she possessed dominion over. Bottom line: Her unconscionable lie worked...for HER. My siblings (now realized 'half' siblings), will undoubtedly remain in a state of denial that could only be described as ‘befuddling’ regarding their inability to attribute the hard truths to their parents.

I am certain that not all people that can procreate can also parent 'well'-lovingly and in a nurturing spirit. It is important for adult children of particularly irresponsible parents to recognize that they can still choose to love their irresponsible parents while holding them accountable for their self-centered choices. But, when they can't come to that balance of perspective, often times it is 'their children' who pay the ultimate price for the unchallenged lineage of dysfunction.

I realize, now, that I am relieved to find out that my biological father is not the one I have known. It all makes sense to me now. For that, I am grateful and at peace…

Aug 15, 2015
to Same Situation...
by: Anonymous

Dear Same Situation-Anonymous,

Your thoughts and feelings are all legitimate. What type of action you decide to take is what counts now.

I share your position on letting your kids know the truth. It is a very difficult discussion. As you are aware, they are a step removed from the family story and had no control over any part of it, much like yourself. Still, the knowledge needs to be shared.

You mentioned that telling your kids will break your heart. Yes it may, because these are the "real" issues in life, the ones of the heart. Of course it will hurt, but you will not stumble because you are speaking the truth, saying it with kindness, and love. Having the guts to move forward ultimately is a blessing to your children and you honor them in this action.

As for your mom, it is her burden. Do not continue to carry it for yourself. Still, be a person of honor and integrity as you approach the real issues in life. None of this should be kept at arms length. Life has touched you in an unusual way, you touch life back from your heart. That may be your gift forward.

Aug 13, 2015
Same Situation
by: Anonymous

At age 49 I found out my father who raised me and my three brothers was not my biological father. My father was a priest who I knew my entire life and who passed away 20 years ago. My dad also passed away 6 years before I found this out. My mother admitted it after I did a DNA test with a brother which showed we had different fathers.

It has been a life changing event. I feel absolutely betrayed and lied to my entire life. My mother would have taken this to her grave. It is all I think about some days.

I feel like a victim of the biggest con job ever done to a human being. I feel terrible that my brothers are only half-siblings. That part has been very hard.

Reading this makes me know I am not at all alone.

I just dont know how to tell my kids. That will break my heart. But they have to know so I dont do to them what my mother did to me.

Aug 06, 2015
To Betrayed by Mom
by: Anonymous

To Betrayed by Mom,

My heart is heavy hearing your life story. You have shown a lot of courage to look into difficult personal questions. Remember, your inquiry into your heritage has also given you strength. It may not seem noticeable, but it is there.

Would the truth you have uncovered, if it became known to all, help ease your cognitive dissonance? At what cost?

The Dad that raised you as his own, I believe this truth would crush him. Still, you might want to look at this relationship differently. In his eyes you are his daughter and to him that is a very special bond. How many young women out there would jump at the chance for a Dad to raise them, love them, provide and protect them through the years? How many people are looking for a true friend with many of those qualities? You have that right now.

Take another look at this moment in your life…sharpen your vision and look with gratitude and awe at what you have right now…your daughter. Discover a deeper love.

Finding your way back is certainly not out of the range of your capability.

Peace to you.

Aug 05, 2015
by: Anonymous

I too look in the mirror and wonder who I am. At age 54 my estranged mother told me 2 months before she died that the man she left me with wasnt my father. My mother didnt want me nor my biological father. I did feel sorry for myself but not now. Against all odds I have achieved a wonderful family, children and grandchildren and we all support each other always. from me down through the ages we have achieved what my bio parents couldnt - love and honesty. I actually feel sorry for the parents who couldnt achieve either.Keep strong, "we" have done nothing wrong

Aug 05, 2015
feeling helpless
by: Wendy

I understand how you feel completely with not knowing your father and wanting to know about him on a personal level. Unfortunately, people who have not gone through what we have can not understand the betrayal and the "not knowing who you are" feelings we have. My mother deceived me like your mother did, and still refuses to tell me anything but my birth father's name and where she met him. I did find him (when I was 50 yrs old) and he is passed away also. His family want nothing to do with either which I do not understand - it is very cold to be that way. Have you ever watched the show on TV called "The Locator" ? This show is very good and truly helps me with my feelings of betrayal and dealing with my feelings of my birth father's family. I also have a line from a movie on my desk at work which I refer to often when I feel depressed, and it helps me tremendously - "Sometimes you make choices in life and sometimes choices make you". I hope it helps to know that other's in this world completely understand how you feel and the pain you are going through.

Aug 04, 2015
I see I am not the only one, but feel so alone and isolated
by: betrayedbymom

I found out my dad is not my dad much later in life. I hate it. I feel like I am not a part of the family. I found out through a dna test that I was a completely different heritage. No one seems to understand having your identity you known your entire life being ripped apart.

The horrible thing is that this is a big secret. My dad does not know I am not his daughter. I feel an incredible amount of guilt. I shake when I am around him as I feel I am betraying him. I feel like an imposter. I feel bad for taking the role of first born and first grandchild.

I am the martyr in this scenario as I want to protect the man that raised me. On the other hand I desperately look for opportunities to air out my findings. I have even searched for my bio family members. I have put together the very large family and have found a sibling who I love dearly, but cannot tell my family I grew up with.

I often wonder if my dad who raised me ever suspected anything. I wish I knew. I honestly think he has no clue. No clue my mom had an affair. I wonder if he would still consider me his daughter if he knew. I wonder who out there knows of my situation.

My biological father is dead. I wish I had got to meet him. I have an aunt that is still alive but she has rejected me and wants nothing to do with me. I want to know about my biological father on a personal level, but it doesn't look like I will ever have the opportunity.

My life is full of cognitive dissonance. Sometimes I do not know how I can sustain this life. I have a child and she doesn't know. She does know the heartbreak I am experiencing. I wish she didn't, but I can't hide the deep pain I feel.

I am permanently scarred by this betrayal. I suffer in silence most of the time. I found out a couple of years ago, but it is like it just happened. The pain doesn't get better. I look forward to not feeling anymore.

Unfortunately, everyone who knows me sees the disconnect in me. I talked to the sibling I grew up with and shared a story of someone finding out they were deceived by their mother. Their advise was for the person experiencing the betrayal was to "get over it" and not ruin the family by telling the truth. Not telling their siblings for the siblings would in turn be in pain. So I suffer in isolation. It is the worse curse anyone could endure alone.

Feeling helpless.

Jul 26, 2015
biological dad...
by: elprezzo

Actually within my past 23yrs since I came to this world I never set my mind to think that my dad was actually not my biological father... I ave lived a cool life that such topics never popped in my head.. Actually my real dad never showed any sign he was my dad bt my real grandpa showed me the love of a grandchild... It was jst last year I came to know dat fact.

Jul 20, 2015
My Story Tops...
by: Anonymous

You’re right, you have quite the story. I read every word many times and I don’t know the answer for you, or even sure if you’re looking for one now. You did write, though. Just an observation, you should try to unshackle yourself from situations you had no control over. Find relationships or things of a positive nature that inspire you. Move towards those things. With this intention you can put these past transgressions behind you – separate from you. Stand tall, I know you have the strength.

Jul 20, 2015
My story tops all of you
by: Anonymous

I found out my dad wasn't my real one when i was 13, I'm 17 now and to this day i still don't know what to do about it, I figured if i got the DNA test and it was real it would fuck the whole family up so I'd rather not know. My dad kicked me out to live with my mom recently and she got into more detail about how she cheated on my dad with this dude a at a gun range. After i was born my biological father painted my baby room with suns and moons and my mom has a tattoo of a half sun/moon on her back that says forbidden love

Jul 14, 2015
Please Tell Me This
by: Anonymous

I would want to know if I had 3 sisters, so the short answer is – yes. Curious, how did you find out the family story? There is a saying, "It’s never to early until it’s too late". Talk with your Dad, as only a daughter can (daughters have a key to the heart). You may help him in ways you never knew. Was this a secret burden for him his whole life? Do you think he would have wanted you to know (but he was a man of his word and kept the secret)? It might just be me, but I sense a happy ending here…

Jul 13, 2015
please tell me this..
by: Anonymous

Okay I have a question..I have a brother, my father when he was young found out his girlfriend was having a baby, he planned to marry her but she turned and married someone else, she told my dad the baby is his but wished for it not to be public. Now my dad has always been honest with my mother whom he met later in life and then with us girls as we were old enough to know. I know who he is and he is a spitting image of my dad who is now in his 90's, both of his parents have passed and I have been tempted to go to him and talk to him with the truth but I do not want to cause dram and pain for him. Would you have like to known you have 3 sisters and a father whop was going to step up and do right but things went another way?

Jul 09, 2015
by: Anonymous

Dear Sophie,

You are a very strong young woman. I give you my warmest thoughts. Your life has brought you suffering that many do not understand, outside of this forum. Some share surprisingly similar stories. The responses you will receive may contain kernels of hard earned wisdom. Let them sink in for a day or two.

Pay attention. You have to trust yourself. Trust your heart. The perceptions of the heart are soft and quiet, unlike the ego. Pay attention.

The advice I received was to, "Seek her out and don’t stop until you find her. Give her a chance to respond". Obviously, this would be changed for you to, "Seek him out…" Is this something you want to do? What does your heart say? Consider this in a quiet time and there will be tears. The father-daughter relationship is so special, so very special, you have to try. There is no "neutral" in a relationship. You are either helping or hurting and no communication is hurting. I know there are probably more issues that you didn’t mention, but with the information you did share, you still have to try. I know it is important for the father to seek out the daughter. However, do you absolutely know for a fact this hasn’t happened? Would you have been told? Have you ever thought that him finding out you were looking, might crack him like an egg? Of course, the reverse could be true, but I look at the positive result. So do it, what have you got to lose? Be discreet.

For all the daughters and fathers out there, please find each other. I found her after decades and it felt like the sun coming up…she is beautiful and an absolute treasure.

Sophie, there’s a saying that rings true; When you fully and completely commit to a dream and take the first step, then Providence moves too. That means, things happen along the way to help you reach your dream.

Jul 08, 2015
by: Anonymous

Hey Shallyn,

I'm 18 years old right now and my name is Sophie. As a child I kept wondering why my family name was different from my younger brothers'. When I turned 14 I kept on asking for an explanation and my mother felt obliged to tell me the truth. I was 2 years old when my father got divorced to my mother and left my sister and I under her custody. Turns out that my mother left him for my non bio dad, which has raised me till this day. I have been kept in the dark about the truth and i am too disappointed. I keep asking myself why he's never reached out.. maybe he's scared. Quite frankly I don't care, that's not good enough. All those feelings you've been having, I am enduring. Just about a year ago, I didn't know that my mum had a sister. She kept it a secret because my aunt knew my biological father really well and she was horrified by the fact that my aunt would have spoken the truth. My family remains a mystery till this day, I don't know who to trust... This issue made it hard for me to open up to people..or even trust them. I haven't seen anyone to help me get through this stage of my life and quite frankly I don't think I want to. The truth remains the same, this is reality, our reality. So I am very sorry this happened to you, certainly in your current situation. Know that you're not alone.


Jun 16, 2015
Should I say anything?
by: Anonymous

You’ve got a delicate situation. I am just one voice and I have some questions for you to think about. Your stepbrother’s mother told your sister, right? If so, I believe the mother should come forward. I would have to agree with your sister. This is life changing information, be caring and gentle. If the situation were reversed, how would you react? What if your mom wasn’t your mom? This is life changing and tears will flow like a river and emotions will be all over the place. Think of everyone involved…first. I wish you the best.

Jun 16, 2015
Should I say anything?
by: Anonymous

I have info from my sister that our stepbrother is not our biological brother. His mother and our father told my sis independently. This info is haunting me. Our father was not a good or kind man. He is dead now but but his birth mother is still alive. I feel he has a right to this info. My sister says not. He was not brought up with us and is not sibling close but I feel dishonorable withholding this secret. Would you want to know?

Jun 15, 2015
by: Anonymous


First, I wish you and your family the very best. I know (I absolutely know) it is difficult not knowing which way to start and what does everyone else know? Considering your father’s tears when he showed you the photograph, I would say there is a way to find your brother. It’s not a completely shut case, as are some of the posts are sadly, here. You have a start. Those tears from your father were from his heart, and he knows he has no way to "do it over". He knows what every heart has missed and whether you view his actions as right or wrong, it is a massive weight on his shoulders. My thought on this would be to be discreet in your search to find your brother, for all hearts involved. Including the ones you don’t know (very important). I think you’ll probably find him, but that first contact needs to be well thought out – every single word. Maybe you’ll surprise him, maybe not. It will take time for the emotions to settle down, as they will be all over the place, when you make contact. Remember to start your relationship from today. Everything counts and is important, including the past. Start fresh and start from your open heart. It will find a way back to you…

Jun 12, 2015
I am a half sibling
by: JB

My story is slightly different.. I was probably around 10 years old when I found out my dad has a son from the relationship before my mom. But at that point I would only over hear conversations. One convo I heard was my mom and dad tried to get custody of him when he was a baby so my brothers mom took him away. I Over heard again that his mother had contacted my dad sending him a picture and I think they said his name is Mark but I don't know what happened with that.Then when I was 21 my dad showed me the picture and said see this is your brother well he's much older now but this is my son. I didn't know how to react I wanted to say where is he? can I see him? Does he know he has 2 sisters? I want to meet him! All of the things I've been wanting to say since I was 10 but the tears in my dads eyes for some reason stopped me I just stared at the picture. Now I'm 27 me and my older sister have tried to ask questions to find out who he is but we don't get real answers we get the run around the "I don't knows". Knowing I have a big brother not knowing how I can find him not even knowing his birthday or his last name it's heartbreaking. I wonder if he knows my dad is his dad. I wonder if he's trying to find us. I was actually reading these posts praying he was one of them. I'm hoping one day I will get to meet my big brother. theres truly been an emptiness inside me since I found out about him.

Jun 12, 2015
Who is my father
by: Anonymous

I don't know who I am my mother and I don't get alone she is always telling lies about me behind my back when I am not doing anything she don't know what's going on in my life because I am not around her cause of the lies people are telling me .I live a hundred miles from her. She call me up and told me that I need to forgive need to forgive who she just said nothing and hung up on me

Jun 03, 2015
by: Headmess

Thank you anon. Like many people I wanted my children to have what I didnt, my love for them is endless. My mother has driven me half cukoo, just needed to let off steam!! Positive thinking will win the day, you are right.

Jun 03, 2015
Headmess, response
by: Anonymous

I try to see the positive and your last sentence says it all. Your children...love them like there's no tomorrow. Your effort here is the reward.

Jun 02, 2015
by: Headmess

Why do mothers do this to their children. I was 54 when my estranged mother contacted me to say the man she left me with as a baby wasnt my father. Shock is an understatement! My childhood was hell and I blame her for the lot. Unfortunately I wrote to her with a lifetime of hurt liberally filling the letter with every awful event I had experienced, 2 months later she died - then I felt dreadful. Im not usually confrontational but she pushed every button and I reacted. One part of me glad i wrote , but another not. The final headfuck! 4 months later with counselling and antidepressants I am slowly coming to terms with the whole thing. This was her final arrow at me. At least now she cant do anymore damage. Some women shouldnt have a womb, but then I wouldnt be here! At least my offspring and theirs know what love is - something I have worked really hard for.

May 25, 2015
just found out too!
by: brigitt graves

I am 52. My mom just told me my dad wasn't really my dad. I have lived my life as a full bred Mexican but now I find out my dad is actually a white man named Darrel. No last name, the only clue I have is that he may have worked for the Southern Pacific Railroad in 1962 (when I was conceived) I have cried, been elated, my emotions are all over the place. I have this strong desire to find him, even if he is dead. He never knew I existed and I feel like I am having some sort of an identity crisis. I contacted the Locator on line but it costs 99 dollars. I only get 877 per month on social security disability so I can't afford to do this but I am reaching out on the internet to learn from others in my situation to see what it is that I can do. I hope I find him, I want to know where I got my eye color, I want to see what kind of guy he was/is. I have to find answers. I feel really betrayed by my mom that she took this long. I am so old already and it hurts. I know nothing of my dad. I hope I can find out soon.

May 21, 2015
How I found my Father
by: Anonymous

To day is my 54th birthday
My Birthday, My Birthright What is The Reason for my very being and existence? My true family heritage that is mine to hand down to my Children for their children and grandchildren Important medical heredity information that could reflect a very life.
To only one left here on earth...... The reason for my existence here on earth is truly known by them. My existence is to be controlled by that person and hidden for selfish reasons The reason for my existence was actually Said to me to be a nightmare that must be forgotten. Treated like dirt that is swept under the carpet or chair so no one see's it hiding there. Stepped on and forgotten for years and years without the knowledge of existence. Collecting for years and years till it is so overabundance it can no longer be hidden and seeped out to my visual eye. The stench is outrageous like bad food that is Rotting in the back of the refrigerator, or a dead animals carcass decaying in the hot sun. perfume is used to hide the stench. but the smell still remains. Dirt is sweep under things, but it still remains unclean.
To some, My life's very existence must still remain hidden to protect one's selfish virtue, because of humiliation and embarrassment, or is that really why? My existence and life not being worth the truth? Love is not suppose to hurt.
Is the pride and price of keeping it in hiding really so much greater then the love of the human heart that needs to be known, nurtured and the acknowledged from a parent with the answer of my true family heritage that is uniquely mine but not worth the price and will ultimately be taken to a grave and covered with more dirt, or burned beyond existence..
Has anyone ever asked themselves WHY it is so important that this be hidden still when so much detail is known from the past?Just a simple name? nothing else.
There must be something much greater being covered up. Something so disturbing that it could destroy ones inner universe and freedom here on earth.

To me....... My birthday is a celebration of my creation, God has sent me here for a purpose, a journey. God made me so unique with such special qualities and talents that no one else has or can duplicate exactly God gave me much wisdom and loved ones to learn from,God has always told me the truth and would never leave me lost for the wolves to devour. God has given me much fruit to bear and harvest, to teach, to nurture, love, protect, and ultimately care for in a far different way I was taught.God has shown me what Evil doings are so I am able to recognize the difference of the trickery the devil has over us when we are caught unguarded in life.God has let me see and feel what its like to be dirt under the carpet ignored and forgotten about. lied to, stones thrown at me, names called to me. manipulated beyond belief.God has shown me how to forgive the unforgivable God has shown me how to love the unlovable God has shown me how to except the unacceptable Sin's are far worst when they are continued to be covered up God has been giving me signs and has answered my question that has been there for years and years. God has given me free will to choose the path to my ultimate and everlasting happiness.Sin's can be forgiven, but never ignored.
I found that, God is my FATHER,
The Reason for my very being and existence My true family heritage that is mine to hand down to my Children for their children and grandchildren
My Birthright, the reason for my existence is important to God for he has shown me my true heritage.My life was worth the truth to GOD! And that is all that really matters. The rest, is just the other persons dirt under the carpet for someone else to clean up,or leave there.
The day when tears poured from my eyes, feeling like I never had a parent that truly loved me enough to tell me of the truth of my very beginning. and the feelings of being totally unloved by a parent. not being worth the truth, dirt under a carpet, rotting food forgotten in the refrigerate, Like I had no family, A quiet voice in my head said, I am your Father, I will always love you. and never leave you alone.

Thank you God, for another year here on earth! I have many blessings to continue on. Thank you for being thee for me in my time of abandonment.
Signed, I know who my father is.........GOD!.

May 14, 2015
I wil alway love her
by: milt 737

My daughter just found out I"m not her dad this is a lie i kept from her for 23 years, all of your post has help me to understand what she is going though my prayers are with you all.

May 11, 2015
No sense of who I am or where I come from
by: Anonymous

My earliest memories are running away.
I don't remember any birthday parties, warm childhood memories, love or nurturing.
Just arguments; secrets; hate and vitriol.
I am 54, I have recently been diagnosed as bipolar.
I haven't spoken to my 'mother' for 25 years, since she abandoned the family ( I was married with 4 very young children) and ran off with the village drunk.
My 'father' was never a father in the sense of the word - or in the sense that I am a father to my 4 children. He was always detached. All my momories are of my mother being spitefully vile about him to us children (3 brothers, I am eldest), and him being totally remote and disregardful of us.
He now has alzheimers, and is beyond talking about it. My wife and I are his primary carers.
My brother works for secret services and during vetting discovered that his birth was not registered until 7 years after he was born.
My wife researched and found that my mother was married previously. I was first registered at birth under her first husband's surname, 3 years before she married my 'dad'.
None of this was ever talked about.
We didn't know she'd been previously married.
It certainly explains a lot about dissociative disorders I have. Whole chunks of my life I have suppressed. A year's CBT and counselling, & I now understand CSA/trauma in childhood could have played a huge part in the mental turmoil I have lived my whole life.

Apr 27, 2015
by: John

I actually have now. I spoke to her two days again and she met her grandson. She was very sorry. I'm glad I did and everything seems good now

Apr 27, 2015
Bisbane - John
by: Anonymous

John, I wanted to ask you if you have forgiven your mother for not telling you the truth until you had to really press her; and are you on speaking terms with her today?

Apr 23, 2015
by: John

Hi no she had no intention to tell me that's the hard part. Especially when they tried to find me for my whole life.

Apr 23, 2015
by: The other side

I would like to try and answer you from the other side of the coin. First though, I notice you have found a new direction in your life with your fiancée, your young son, and your new family. It looks positive and uplifting and I am happy for you. However, you mentioned being disgusted and angered. Your mom’s card was played by someone outside the family. Would she have told you, eventually?

As a father, I was the one who kept the secret from my boys. They had an older sister I never told them about until recently. It is my deepest regret. I wish I could change it all, but I did not have the understanding back then, that I do now. It seems we are always caught off guard to handle the difficulties and problems of daily relationships. And then, how demanding and delicate family and partnerships can be. I’m not sure we can ever have all the answers. However, with patience, forgiveness, and acceptance, you can begin to understand and apply this to your behavior. After all, service to others seems to be the key.

Apr 21, 2015
Finding out your dad isn't your real father
by: John

I was 21 years old when I found out my father wasn't my biological father.

I found out by my mums old childhood friend on facebook. She didn't really care but wanted to tear my family apart... Which it did work.
She sent me a message and said your brothers want to meet me. I was so confused as I was named after my non biological father. I asked my mother and my father and they both told me she was lying. The lady didn't give up and sent me photos of my family. They were identical to me and it made me realise after all those years of growing up it didnt feel right and didn't fit in as my family were all really white and either red or blonde hair as I'm really tanned and black haired. After a week I finally got my mother to confess and since then I have been so hurt and disgusted in them. Turns out my biological father tried finding me my whole life and lived in the same suburb. Today I am 23 and just had a child of my own and would never want him growing up how I did and will give my everything to him. I since then have met my brothers and my biological father and it's crazy how much we all look alike and get along so good. Feels like I've known them for my whole life. But still today sometimes I feel depressed and angered
but I have my fiancé to thank and my best friend for helping me through those difficult times and
when I feel down I just have to look at my boy and smile as he reminds me of myself as a child. Thanks brisbane Australia

Apr 17, 2015
Still don't know either...
by: Anonymous

I have thought about you and your sister since your post. It was riveting. I do not have the magic answer, but felt I should add a little so you know someone listened. Your suffering has spurred you to find a way beyond its reaches. With clear awareness you can learn to relax your grip on negative experiences. Forgiveness is the result of awareness and this is a protective measure for you. It is for YOU, that is a key thought. Start there. What of your sister? She was part of this experience, be sure to help her. You will find your way back. Emphatically, be sure to use what’s left to the best of your ability. Good thoughts to you and your sister…

Apr 03, 2015
Still don't know either
by: Anonymous

My mother always told me that my father was dead. Growing up we had two incredibly abusive men in the house. I left for the Army at seventeen to get away from it all. Lo and behold! My sister finds our biological father. He lived ten miles away the entire time I was growing up. He was remarried with a great wife, good job and beautiful family. A really decent, honest hardworking guy. Believe it or not? Nobody would tell us why they split with no visation or custody agreement or child support. They had some kind of agreement. Can you imagine 100 family members, Friends, Family Friends, neighbors, not saying a word? For over 35 years. They're all dead now. I'm 55. I'll never know the truth. There are no legal documents, letters, journals or anything to say what occured. Like I said before. He lived a totally decent life. My mother bought abusive crazy drunks into our home the abuseed us terribly. Why did we have to grow up under such horror when 10 mles away was a totally happy and safe family? How could so many people let this go on year after year? Aunts, Uncles, cousins, neighbors? I know how you feel. I never totally have peace either. How do you settle something with yourself when you have no idea what the truth is?

Mar 31, 2015
Susan, for you
by: Anonymous

First you’ve got to see the results from the DNA test. If the test is negative, that’s another issue. However, if the test determines that the other man is your biological father (not the man who "raised you") then I sure hope he wants to get to know you. He did consent to the test, maybe he has suspected this all along? Should your bio-father want to get to know you, where do you stand? He is your blood. However, he did leave you. Why? Seriously, why? He may ask you, "Why contact me now?" In my life these questions are very difficult and do not have a clear answer. Being unable to answer these questions is not a deal breaker. Look ahead, focus forward. Things take time. Go slowly.
I would want to know about this man.

Where does your mother stand with this situation?

As far as breaking the news to your "now stepfather", I need to refer to your words. You said your stepfather was not loving or even present. He saw you sporadically, you were not close emotionally, and you don’t have much in common. You said you love each other? Being outside of the situation, your commitment to your stepfather brings more questions to my mind. Forgive me if I’m wrong.

You must tell your stepfather tactfully. Be gentle and tell him what you’ve learned, straight up. If he knew you were not his daughter, then ask him why the secret? If he truly did not know, then your information will be shocking to him. You both need the truth. Difficult, yes, but I feel it should be done. I believe all of this will eventually help you. I wish you the very best…

Mar 30, 2015
Should I tell my dad? How?
by: Susan

I have always suspected my dad is not my biological father. My mom was dating a guy who looked a lot like me while she and my dad were separated . The guy dumped her so she quickly reconciled with my dad. I am 44 and I looked up the guy who might be my biological father. He consented to a DNA test and we await the results.

My parents divorced when I was an infant. The dad who 'raised' me was never very loving or even present. He saw me sporadically and paid minimal child support. Now, I visit once a year (I moved away) and he we are happy to see each other but we are not very close emotionally. We love each other but don't have much in common.

If the test shows my dad isn't my father I will probably have to tell him because I'm bad at keeping secrets. How should I tell him? I don't want it to hurt him or make him even less committed to maintaining a relationship with me. Not sure how to proceed. If it turns out that he knew all along I'm going to be mad... But probably he didn't know.

Mar 30, 2015
Sad Similar Stories
by: Anonymous

I have read your post many times and considered your situation carefully. I would like to say I have the "correct answer" for you, but that just isn’t true. All I can offer is my view based on your words. Recently you had a dream about your father. You said he taught you to recognize a decent man and a good husband. What are these qualities your father helped you see? Consider this in a quiet time. Also, you said the dream helped you understand why your father wasn’t in your life, why he missed the important dates and markers. I assume that you felt in some way it was your fault? Even though these important dates were missed, you are not flawed or unlovable, as you wrote. Do not continually support this type of thinking. You must realize and surrender these thoughts to move forward. To heal your wounds there is no other way besides forgiveness. Not because these people deserve to be forgiven, but for your own mental healing. This is an act of power for you. Practice this. Break out of the patterns that have you stuck. Bring the love inside of you – out. Find things that inspire you and move in that direction. If you want to remember your father, make it a small annual ritual. A gesture that defines a spiritual moment with all of the love and compassion you can muster.

Your post came very close to mirroring my life. You have helped me in ways you’ll never know. I felt as if I was writing for the two of us. Thank you.

Mar 29, 2015
Sad similar stories
by: Anonymous

not sure in life a person makes peace with this kind of information . . Especially when you get your hopes up . . meeting your real dad!!! Only to learn he died . . you have a half brother and sister! You have been an only child . . They don't want to have anything to do with you and their mother calls you a liar! To what end . . .?
But when I saw his picture . . I knew it was true . . I was looking at my features . .and my sons . .
I found his obit in the newspaper archives and went to the cemetery. It was so big. I said a prayer asking to find him please! I started walking and when I reached the second to the last row I looked down. Near a tree and between his parents was my father . . I knelt down to be close but truthfully my legs gave out . . I thanked God and my dad! It's been a few years and his kids want nothing to do with me . . I've been over and over the "what ifs" and the "if only" In my dreams my dad took me away from my mother who was a train wreck . . I went to college, he didn't die and he taught me to recognize a decent man who would be a good husband. Helped to know why the father I thought was my real dad never saw me . . never came to the big mile markers, never called, never sent a birthday wish . . I felt flawed and unloveable. My mother abused, neglected and finally abandoned me . . Her husband stole my innocence at age 9 . . It's little wonder I felt like an accident and have never found a decent, kind man. There is still hope!!

Mar 20, 2015
To Tell or Not to Tell
by: Anonymous

This is just my opinion.

In considering your thoughts, I think you have made an assumption with your son's reaction to the information you may share with him. You said your son is scared, tormented, and thinks he has bad genes from your ex. Do not deny your son his new life, knowing he is not a part of this "bad man". Do not be afraid of expressing the truth as you know it. Would your "inaction" continue to be (in your eyes) beneficial to your son? Or you? As a mother, you have expressed love and concern for your son in your letter. I believe the next step as a mother, is action. Without action, there are no results, only ideas. Surrender and let go of the past. If you do not, you will always wish things to be different than they are. Don't judge yourself, feel guilty, or punish yourself if you are doing your very best. What you have written shows me that you do understand and the truth is a HUGE step from a mother to her son. I sincerely believe that the heart can make leaps beyond what the mind thinks is possible.

You said your son's biological father has passed. This might be a very difficult truth for your son. Maybe, just knowing there is a half sister out there might help. The half sister is another issue entirely. Focus.

Your awareness of the situation is the first step. Your action is the second step. It can heal and transform both of your lives. There is no reason to suffer and use all this life energy on hidden truth. Your first conversation may open a wound. Open wounds can be cleaned and healed with love. This will take some time. Do not let this fester below the surface.

You must have a positive impact. It is your duty the have a vision far more elegant than your hopes and desires. This vision can give you strength, energy, and bring honor and dignity to you and your son. "Meaning" is continuously being drained and washed out of peoples lives. Recognize this and do whatever is necessary to counteract it.

I encourage you, in the time you have left, to be the very best you can be.

Good thoughts to you...

Mar 19, 2015
to tell or not
by: Anonymous

I was 18, came from a broken family. Started a relationship with an older man to escape abusive step father. Got involved with drugs with the guy and he terrorized me. I married out of fear. Met a guy closer to my age while my new husband of two years had left me and was in ny..miles away. I don't want him to ever come back and if he hadn't things would've been very different. But it happens that he did and the guy I had an affair with went into the navy. I found out I was pregnant and just knew if my abusive older husband found out, he'd probably kill me. I told him the baby was his. He and I eventually divorced when my son was 8 months old. The bio dad came home from the service and married, and had a daughter. He died in a freak accident when my son was 6. He knew he was my son's father but my abusive x never has been told. My son is 25 now. He is tormented by the person my ex is and is always scared he has bad genes because of the monster he thinks is his father. I considered telling him many many times but after reading this board am thinking it may be a mistake to add insult to injury. I would never ever want my son to hate me and the worst thing in this world would be to see my son suffer because I'm an idiot. Please share your thoughts. I'm so tormented but don't want to thrust my son into an identity crisis. What should I do?

Mar 13, 2015
by: Anonymous

I have read through your post many times. It is a very delicate situation, but not impossible. I understand the need for your medical history and some type of answer to your questions. The extent of knowledge of your half siblings is what troubles me. Also, the relationship of them to their father. You just don't know. I believe you have to make an attempt at contact, at least for you. Be discreet and gentle. Remember, every move you make will leave tracks on the heart (everyone's). Social media seems like you are "lurking" in the shadows. Write a letter. This will require your very best writing and the content is critical. Strive for honesty, compassion, and sincerity. You cannot know how the letter will be received. Just know you did your heartfelt best. Truly, good thoughts to you.

Mar 12, 2015
God Father is my real Dad
by: 2nd RE

My situation is similar. I believe you have to talk to him. He is your blood and you are his. It must come from you. Remember, soft thoughts heal, hard thoughts divide. This is for the protection of hearts. No dancing around the issues, but go softly into the middle. For you, love is on the table and maybe longing, but the people you need to talk to are human and vulnerable. That includes you. Be gentle and open. From my experience, I cannot see this happening quickly. However, with softness and loving intent, I see a positive movement forward at a gentle pace. It can be done. If all the egos involved can be relatively quiet, then the hearts can do wonders. Good thoughts to you...

Mar 12, 2015
RE: God Father is my real Dad.
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for your reply.
You are spot on! (So spot on it's a little spooky -I thought does this person know me???)
That is exactly what I wanted to say to him initially, to reassure him that things would be ok between us and we could deal with other hurdles in time as and when we felt comfortable. I started to feel upset when he started to avoid my calls, messages etc then sending me that video. I just felt complete rejection which hurts.

I wouldn't want a shadow relationship forever, but for now I would plenty need time to get used to the realisation of having a different father, used to simple things like having someone in the world that I actually look like, knowing why I always felt different. He and my mum would need time to get to grips with the fact that I now know let alone anything else.

I just want him or my mum to tell me the truth now I'm asking as this makes it easier to accept over three decades of not knowing. I just want to talk, understand more about where I come from and know that I'm still loved. I miss having him as my friend who I can call when I need support/advice. He's a good person, I don't like to think of him being so stressed he's on the run from me. I also worry that the longer I don't speak with him for, the more distorted his thoughts may become.
I don't want to push him to talk because I think the more I make contact, the more stressed he's becoming. I've kept messages normal but I know he's freaking out.

Your reply has really brought clarity to me and reassured me, I really needed to read that. (I so wish you could talk with him). Thank you so very much for your time.

Best wishes in everything you do.

Mar 12, 2015
God Father is my real Dad.
by: Anonymous

I've considered your post and here are my thoughts. Is the current situation-facade of him just being your God Father acceptable to you? (at least as far as everyone else knows) If you can live with that, then I believe you have to talk to your God Father. He said he loved you deep down in his heart. I do not think his love will change like a switch, if he is truly your bio father. He appears to be a place of fear or uncertainty. For him, when the facade of being a God Father crumbles (in his eyes) everything else becomes shaky. You need to reassure him to ease his heart(and ego). Tell him you want to know the truth (and what you suspect) and what your mom has said to you over the years. These have to be soft thoughts and soft words, to help him share what he knows. Think soft, he will come around. After that hurdle, what to do about the truth of your relationship and his occupation. There is a lot of energy burned out of fear. That, I'm afraid is up to the both of you. I'm not endorsing a shadow relationship, but one step at a time. You have the advantage of actually knowing this man through your life. I know what you're looking for, I know. Protect the hearts around you as best you can and be soft with your thoughts. I wish for you understanding and happiness.

Mar 12, 2015
Please respond with your advice
by: Wondering

Well, after 55 years of wondering, I asked my mother and she was in utter dismay and the family separated and took sides.
With some supposed full siblings feeling my pain, DNA was hinted about by them and would solve the answer, so I asked them and they obliged.

DNA results...... I am not a full sibling. My lifetime of wonder, the hints, evidence etc. are validated. I am not crazy!
The deception was not that this occurred, There was never judgement passed upon the mother, It was that when the question was asked, it was continued with lies and the stability of my mental status was questioned that brought me to separation of family members mostly including my mother who,always new of the answer.
With all parents gone with the exception of one, the one that refused to answer my question, However, I was able to answer it on my own with the help of really caring people, and this helped them with questions they have wondered also.
I want to contact the other half siblings from my bio-fathers side. The reason.....My roots, My medical hereditary background that I can give to my children and grandchildren. something we all deserve and have a right to know.. I can not go to my mother...I would not believe a word she says after what I have been thru. Here is my question that I need your help with and please be honest. I have found these half siblings, I have so much fear in contacting them feeling it be selfish of me to disrupt their lives, and bring them to possible memories they have choose to put on the back burner. I have fear that the possible high standards on which they may see their parents will be crushed.I have fear that I will again be called crazy and rejected But, I want so bad to connect with them just once before I die,(I am fighting cancer) I want to give to my children the background...medical...ethnic. etc. that I came from. I want my existence to be known, to connect with them WITHOUT having to go thru the hurtful details OF the horrible fact that the two people, one of theirs and one of mine had this long affair and lived two separate lives deceiving many without knowledge and empathy for the spouses and children. The affair, or connection between the two lasted until one of them passed away.
How would any of you go about the contact....Social media, letter to the home...a phone call..or Don't contact them because its selfish. I don't want God to be mad at me for not having consideration. As I have re read this, I have noticed a lot of (I) that I have put in here...so you can see how I feel this is selfish. I don't know if they know of anything other then their parents have stuck thru a rocky marriage. till the end because of the love they had for each other. However, I do know that the affair was present as I grew up. my question...how do I contact them, What do I say at first notation..Or should I not contact them at all. I am only looking for what you would do or suggest. THe decision will be mine in the end.

Mar 10, 2015
Godfather is my REAL DAD
by: Anonymous

I can't believe this has happened / is happening to so many people.

My GODFATHER may be my REAL DAD!!! Any advice please!!!
I'm 34. At a recent ceremony was the first time I've ever had photos taken of me and my godfather side by side apart from when I was a baby. (I haven't seen him for years)
I look just like him, exactly the same facial features, expressions physique, posture.
People who know him insisted I looked like him and his family which I dismissed until I saw the recent photos of me and him. The photos freaked me out, as well as my siblings and other family members. I mean seriously FREAKED US OUT!!! When I show friends the photos of the ceremony they always ask, "Is that your dad?" and look at me strangely when I say, "no he's my godfather". People say we are spitting image.
For YEARS mom has said, "there's something I have to tell you but will say when the time is right".
I don't look like any family members.

I called my godfather a month ago to ask if we could meet to talk as I had "questions about my life" and since then he's done radio silence. Normally we talk via phone on a weekly basis and he says things like, "you must understand, how much I love you from deep down in my heart". I bumped into him since and he looked like a frightened, frail rabbit.
Can't ask mum because she's developed mental health issues and I don't want to stress her even more.

Not sure what to do next if he keeps avoiding me. I don't want to ruin his career (he's a reverend) but I need him to be honest because I've trusted him, we have a great friendship. This is all so strange! Them not telling me the truth now I'm asking hurts and makes me feel that they are selfish wanting to burden me for the rest of my life with keeping there secret and living as a walking lie.
When people ask me why I'm upset, I've found myself lying to protect them, I don't want to be a liar. I wake up crying every morning now especially since instead of meeting me to talk like he said he would, my godfather sent me a video of a person talking about how "God is my Daddy". It felt like a knife pierced my heart. I feel so hurt. He was my friend. I don't know who to trust anymore.

Any advice please?

Mar 09, 2015
Left behind
by: Anonymous (ss)

To Left behind
Please don't feel so upset I can imagine what you must be going through as I was also 13 years old when I found out. It is difficult to cope with, be strong and show them that you can pull through this, and be successful in whatever it is you want to achieve. Speak to your mum and see if she can be supportive and talk about how you feel. Xx

To everyone who posts a comment on here together we can be stronger and cope with these feelings. I will be calling my mother this week to find out the truth as she hasn't bothered to tell me yet.

Mar 09, 2015
Left Behind
by: Anonymous

I send you good thoughts. I felt I needed to write something, so you knew you were not left alone. I can only say to let the tears flow to help sooth a wound that "time" my take years to heal. The counseling my be helpful, give it a good chance. It may not be a miracle, but may help you process what you are going through. Do not be ashamed that you are going to counseling. What anyone else thinks about that is their opinion. Your life experience is totally different from theirs. You do this for YOU, your future, and your personal strength. My only advice is this; after emotions settle a bit, find things that inspire you. Anything, the arts, reading, nature, photography, just about anything positive. Explore in that direction and find a new "freshness" to your life. Your current life experience will always be just below the surface and the tears close by, but you will find a more stable base to deal with your emotions. Your emotions are yours and they all are legitimate. One additional thought, I believe your bio father and/or you will look each other up in the future. It may be a decade or more, but I believe you will find each other. It took me three decades and one year. It has been life changing and positive. I wish this for you.

Mar 09, 2015
Left behind
by: Anonymous

I found out a little sooner that my dad wasn't my dad when he sent me a text saying "ask your mom about your real dad" because he got mad at me.. He did it to hurt my mom but instead hurt me and her. As a 13 year old it's hard having not 1 dad but 2 dads walk out on me... I feel hopless and guilty for no reason, I can't even sleep with out crying, and it's hard.
I've even tried to contact him after he told me he wasn't my father and he blew me 2 times.. It's been several months since he left but I miss him so much! I start counseling soon but besides that, I just wish people didn't have to go through this.. I thought I was a regular teenager with 2 biological parents and I was completely wrong😔

Mar 06, 2015
To Karon and Sharon
by: Anonymous

Your story is important. There are a lot of things you didn't include which makes it tricky to answer. However, you can do a Google search yourself on DNA testing without the biological father. It can be done, but the percentages go down slightly. You may have to get his children involved. This is the problem because you said the kids changed his reaction to you both.

I would have many questions for you. What does your mom and step father think of this? What is your relationship with them? Is there more to the story of your bio father? His children, did they react because it was a complete shock, or were they scared of losing his love and affection, or maybe money is involved? The questions go on and on. Not impossible, but I believe they must be considered.

I ask this next question to hear your answer. You mentioned your bio father has passed, why do you still feel like you're being left out?

Good thoughts to you both...

Mar 05, 2015
by: Anonymous

First, thank you for sharing your story. Most importantly, you have a mum and a man that raised you as his own. That fact alone is wonderful. Read some of these stories in this forum, you have an advantage many can only wish for. You have a difficult situation, but not impossible. You said your mum told you about your bio father. Was this recently? Also, the man you call "Dad" stepped in when your mum was pregnant. If this is so, then he knows the situation and probably knows the questions about your bio father my come forward at some point. I understand this is a delicate balance. I believe a "heart to heart" conversation with your mum is needed. You've got to tell her what you're thinking and feeling. Let her know your personal situation (knowing your bio father) and how it affects your life on a much different level than anyone else. This is your history. Is this something you want to pursue? Is this the right time? Only you can answer those questions. I share a similar situation and wanted this person to have a chance to respond. At the minimum, just a chance to respond. For the protection of ALL hearts involved (the ones you know about and the ones you do not)be discreet. Everything you do will leave tracks on the heart, be careful and compassionate. Be open minded because your emotions are going to be way up and way down. They will cycle by the hour. One more thought, anticipate a positive outcome.

Mar 04, 2015
Our father
by: Karon and Sharon

In 2006 I found out that my dad wasn't my real dad. My twin and I approached our Biologicial father. He was happy! Then his kids got involved and then he didn't want to talk to us. He just died. How do we prove that he is our father too?? I'm tried of being left out of everything.karon612worthington@ yahoo.com

Mar 03, 2015
by: Anonymous

found out from mum today that I have a biological father. He abandoned us when mum was 5 months pregnant and dad took her immediately. I don't know what to think or do but it has to be in dad's best interests because he has been wonderful for me. he doesn't even know yet that I know and I don't think he wants me to know. I have seen a picture of the donor and I fukn look like him. am devastated.

Mar 03, 2015
Thoughts by Laurie
by: Anonymous

After reading your story, I believe you must ask your mother. Absolutely. It may be a difficult conversation, but approach this calmly and know it may take a few conversations to get anything out of her. I use the "let it simmer" approach. No judging on your part. Ask her to write the name on a piece of paper, if she cannot speak it. Let your words work slowly. It will happen.

If you do get the name you're looking for, then what do you do? Prepare yourself in case he's passed on. I only say this because your mother is 83.

I would want to know. It would be a burning desire to find out. Good thoughts to you and your mom.

Mar 03, 2015
To "Finding Out"
by: Anonymous

My heart goes out to you and your situation. From what you said, you knew your bio father as a family friend when you grew up? At least you positively know (through the DNA test). Your emotions will take a lot of time to settle, no magic wand to help you. I do think it is a blessing that you did know him as you grew up. At least you have some memories. Many folks in this forum have nothing.

I've been in a similar situation bio father-daughter and lost many years. We get along very well, but the tears seem to be just below the surface. Look forward and remember to smile. At least you had something.

Mar 03, 2015
finding out
by: Anonymous

My mother told me when I was 21 that she had an affair with my dad's best friend. I grew up with him. And his children. No one would talk. So me and brother to be took a DNA test to find out to ease our mind's and last week it came back 99.95% that he was my biologal father he took it to his grave three weeks ago. The family is not strangers but the sad thing is my dad is gonna take it to his grave to. So now what to do my emotions are everywhere.

Feb 28, 2015
by: Laurie

To How Do We Move On...I have had many of the same thoughts as you. Since my mother led a promiscuous lifestyle she is likely the ONLY one who knows the truth. The truth may even be that she doesn't know who my biological father is. She is 83 and I am also afraid to ask the questions that gnaw at me constantly. Even thought I have such resentment toward her I don't want to be the one who causes her any health problems if I should delve into this conversation with her. Although I strongly feel that she will pull an Alzheimer moment - which she does when she doesn't want to confront issues lately - and I still won't have any clear answer.

I also wonder how much and who in my family knew about me probably not being the biological daughter of the man I knew as Dad. On both sides of my family I wonder this. It's been over a week now and I still can't figure out what to do. I carry such a void inside me now that I can't sleep and I just want to hide in my house because I feel as though I have some sort of outward sign that everyone will be able to see. I am embarrassed at my mother's behavior, I am embarrassed that I don't know who my Dad is and also I'm hurting because I have no-one to talk to about my feelings. At least I found this site to vent myself on. As always - wishing everyone peace and serenity.

Feb 27, 2015
How do we move on?
by: Anonymous (ss)

Hi to all, we are almost all in the same boat.
I have known that my dad was not my dad since I was 9/10 years old after an argument with my brother, who at the time was 12 years old. I did'nt take it seriously although it was at the back of my mind until I was 14 and had just returned to the uk after spending a year abroad with the family (who weren't even mine) I was told by who I thought was my dad. He asked if my mother had told me. At that point I knew what my brother had to me in a rage was actually the truth. Unfortunate as I was, I had been sexually abused by the one who I called dad and believed everything he told me which since then I have hated my mother.
I have only met my mother 3 times in my life a total of 23 days. I am now 38. I have had numerous conversations over the phone and not had the courage to ask her the many questions I have buried deep inside me, the frustration, anger, hate disgust as to WHY? another part is waiting to hear from her the confession or the whole truth.
My so called dad passed away almost 5 years ago and my biological father passed away 15years ago.
I have met the biological father once when I was 13 (the year I was abroad) I knew he was the real one as my brother had told me his name.
These things go through my head every time I pick up the phone to call my mother. I can't fake it any more. She lives abroad and financial circumstances are withholding me from having a face to face conversation with her. I am also conscious of the fact what if she passes on before I find out the truth, or what if something happens to her when I ask her all my questions.
However on the other hand all these years whom I have considered my family I am unsure of how much do they know about me and feel I should apologise to them as I am no longer on talking terms with them., I know my biological father has children who are older than me-should I make contact with them?
I'm a complete mixed bag of thoughts and feelings.
But reading everyone's experiences on here has helped me to be brave and share my life story. So thanks to all of you and I hope you manage to sort and deal with your situations and find a way to move on, because I am at a point where I want to move on from all these years of misery.

Feb 25, 2015
im 40 i just found out the same he is still alive and never met
by: tony

tears and pain curious what to do

Feb 19, 2015
Just found out and Simply not sure...
by: Anonymous

I, at the age of 49, have just had confirmed - my "dad" may not be my real dad.

My story goes like this...my mother and father were married in 1951 and had a son in 1955. He passed away in 2010. I was born in 1965. My mother and father were still married at the time of my birth but I have just been told that my mother slept around a lot while married. I had no idea - I did know that she was this way while I was young but thought she developed this after her divorce. Anyway - my mother has recently become in need of a nursing home and along with all the stress of dealing with this my Aunt, my mother's sister, decides to tell me that no-one really knows who my biological father is. There is a chance it could be the man who raised me but a strong change that he may not be. My dad remarried a nice woman with 3 children from a previous marriage and we lived a blended family life. My step-mother never said anything to make me feel that my dad may have a secret. I did not live with vindictive people in my home.

After the nursing home ordeal and my Aunt's confession - I called my step-mother to ask her what she knew and she also confirmed that my dad might not be my dad. She said she doesn't know for sure but there were rumors and told me that my mother had a very bad reputation while married to my dad. My step-mother and father never had any other children and my own brother and father have passed so there is no way for me to get the truth.

I am devastated and heartbroken. I was raised in a nice home with a nice family but may not have really belonged there at all and now feel terrible for every terrible teenage girl thing I did to cause that family grief. Even though my dad knew there was a chance that I might not be his he sought to gain custody of me in the 4th grade and raised me - which I thank God for. I was raised with his last name and will continue to think of him as my father. My step-mother confirmed to me that was the way he wanted it. The only thing I may not carry is his heritage. He and my step-mother gave me the values and morals by which I live today. Although my mother and I had a close relationship I find it impossible to see or speak to her right now. I guess I do suffer an identity crisis, too.

I have no desire to pursue anything with another family or to disrupt anyone else's life so I won't. I do, however, have 2 children , 20 and 17, and am not sure to how to handle it with them. I think I will seek out some counseling just for peace of mind.

Thanks to anyone who may read this and I wish peace to all the others whose stories I have read here.

Feb 19, 2015
found out dad is not my real dad
by: Debra

I'm debra, and i'm 55 years old and i just found out recently that my dad was not my biological father. I loved my dad that raised me, but he has passed on. I do know there is a possibility that my biological father has passed on to, however he still has family living. His wife and 2 daughters. Guess i shouldn't care now, but i do. Would like to know something about him if possible. Maybe get to know the family. I hope one day to find out something about him

Feb 10, 2015
I'm the new wife... It was extremely hard for me to see him hurt over a secret!!!
by: Anonymous

Maybe I was wrong for pushing it but my husband found out he wasn't the bio daddy 11 years ago... His life changed.. He gave up so much for her to be a great dad... Gave up a 4 year scholarship, his high school years he was 17 and got married she never worked... He graduated!!! Had his 2nd baby with her... He found out threw her best friend... He has been drinking heavy the last 11 years he has never been the same... She treats him like it was his fault... But to me he was always there paying child support you can see video after video of him always being there... Baby momma said if he would tell her he would never see her again she found out couple days before her 18bday my heart is crush cause I see the pain that she has cause both of them.. We don't know how she was told but she hates me for the truth coming out...I corner her mom in her eyes... Well she treated her dad that she knew for all this year like it was his fault for being an alcoholic, abusive, but he is not what her mom has told her... Out breaks my heart to the core to know that he has given so much to them and their mom has manipulated the situation... Then to come to find out the bio knew this whole time and now she 18 he never gave up his life for her... I just don't understand why she hates me... I'm sorry I could never let my kids disrespect their bio dad (he was a deadbeat)and I wished my kids dad would of done a 10th of what my husband does for his kids... I hate watching our family hurt but since the truth came out... He has really stop drinking and focus on becoming a better man... This painful secret was eating him up... He loves her as his own no matter what and still paying child support after she found out... I just wish I could do something to show his daughter that I have the BEST INTENTIONS FOR HIM AND HER!!! What can I do to make things better.... I have let go and let God do the rest!!!

Feb 07, 2015
It's been a year for me
by: Anonymous

I'm in my 40's my 'Dad' died & my sister called to abuse me & dropped in that he was not my biological father - I was stunned but managed to request a dna test because my mother owed me (I had to say that for her to agree). We took nail clippings from the dead body of my Dad (who is on my birth certificate)... he's not my biological father were the results. My mother cannot tell me the truth, I have a name - not sure if it's actually a true name. I've also discovered so many more other lies & somehow my mother makes it all about her! She has bullied me into keeping it a secret even though she recently found out she had a half brother nobody knew about - she still billies me into telling no-one.
A year down the track & my mother has cancer, apparently re-doing chemo treatment almost immediately after the last lot - within weeks. I so know this is not how it works.
I have not been able to question her because each time I do she goes on & on about how the man who I thought was my father was abusive, he was just not how she's always told it.
I've cut myself off from my sister & my brother because I know I'll tell them & the consequences from my mother will be huge - major emotional abuse & guilt!
I have just decided to cut my mother out of my life - I can't really find my family because I am on the other side of the world - taken by my mother who returned to our country several years later - I feel that it's so her secret can be hidden & I can't get to the truth because her lies have estranged me from my family that I know I am related to.
A year down the track & I still struggle so much with it, have felt guilty for telling a single family member who is a distant cousin! It felt good to get it out to be honest.
I too struggle with who I am, my identity has been totally questioned.

Jan 26, 2015
Dishonesty, Selfishness
by: Anonymous

it is really hard when it was your dad that was the parent that was there for you for everything and the mother was never there - until it came time to fess up that there was yet one more extramarital affair to add to her list. I cant claim a mother that is so deceitful and dishonest to so many people. It is so selfish to put a one night stand above the anguish that it will cause so many people for so many years - but some women are so selfish - including my mother.

And I am crushed for the the horrible things my dad endured because of her. - the affairs and lies .... But I am greatful for his guidance. He is a saint.

I cant wait for the day to come when my first thought in the morning isnt - Who am I?

I hope she suffers double the torment that she has caused others. I am just sad the news wasnt that she was not my mother.

Jan 23, 2015
by: Anonymous

I'm 45 and 3 years ago after my mom hadi heart attack I ask all my ants what they knew and some told me the man i knew as a father wasn t my father, the i asked my mom and finally she told me the truth I m still not over and i m doing therapy and prayng a lot but the hurt doesn t go way. I can't hold a job because off my anger.
But i still try every day every minute too be better, and not to go to the bottom.
I love my mom, i love myself and i just quiping to forguive but i know it will hurt my entire life and i just need to accept.
U are not alone in this world

Jan 21, 2015
Happened to me too
by: Anonymous

This happened to me last 2 years ago but my mom never told me. My biological father told me through facebook. When I confronted her my mom told me she was hurt that I talked to him and saying I had no right to know before and she's upset that I found out. I just feel empty like my whole life was a lie.

Jan 19, 2015
me too. . .
by: Brent Jan 19 2015

Hi, wish I could help here but I face a similar situation. My mother passed away in 2001. After I went to visit my mom's side of the family, a relative let it out,'you know Paul ain't your daddy'.I was floored!!!! I was 25 and just out of the army and was on a great pace. My Dad, Paul, raised since I was around 1 or so, before I could remember. He's never once mentioned this and I have so much respect and love for the guy, it's unreal. But I'm still curious, naturally, about everything I don't know.

Jan 11, 2015
by: Anonymous

I know it bothered you, It bothers me what my mom wont tell me, my roots. so I can share this with my children.
Its not your fault your mom did what she did. And your children will still love there grandfather that was there for them. I loved my grandfather that my grandma married...her second husband..the first died before I was born. However, on that side anyway, I know my true roots. Now for my fathers side, well that is still a secret for me to never no per my mom.

Remember, its not your fault what she did and kept from you, you have been protecting her virtue long enough from your children....However. It is your fault if you don't tell your children their true roots, something that may be important for them to want to know in the future..... and of course true medical history of your biological dad. Geeze doesn't anyone think of what if for some reason a child of a unknown bio dad, meets his other 1/2 siblings, dates, marries etc and never new about this...

Jan 09, 2015
my mom's horrific announcement!
by: Anonymous

when I was 7 I asked my mom who this man in the photo was and she said "it's your father!" I said "No that's not MY dad!" Then she proceeded to say "your dad isn't your biological dad, the man in the photo is" I am 60 years old and am still devastated by this. I have a 36 yr old son & 38 yr old daughter and I never told them about my dad, and now my parents are pressuring me to tell my kids about the secret. I'm very torn about it, because my kids are very close to my "dad" and I know it would hurt them to find out this secret. I never planned to tell them, because of the way it effected me and didn't think it was necessary, my husband does NOT want us to tell them, because it could cause a lot of emotional distress. I don't like secrets or lies, but with my parent's pressuring me, I'm feeling like I should tell my kids, but it's going to be so hard for them, I'm sick about it! WHAT SHOULD I DO??

Dec 21, 2014
WENDY? contacting 1/2 siblings
by: Anonymous

Wendy, thank you for your response, There is no way I can be 100% sure they are my half siblings... perspective Bio father has past, also his wife has, the father that raised me has past. My mother making up lies, which, has lead me to believe he was my bio dad. Because, Why would she lie still, I have known about the affair since I was 10, and I have.... like I said.... evidence of them being friends before I was born. And have known of their affair since I was 10 that the affair occurred slightly after my birth. Have evidence from found items in my memories of a 60 year relationship of my mother and possible bio father. So unless someone gives me a dna, there is no way I will ever no for sure. What do you think on this?

Dec 17, 2014
Biological Dad
by: Anonymous

Did you find out who your biological dad is? Have you been able to establish a relationship with him?
My situation is that i grew up in a very abusive home. I remember my mother taking me to see a man (not my dad/her husband) and telling him I was his child. The man replied that she had lied about being married and having 3 other children and he did not believe her.
I was 37 when my "dad" consented to DNA. Not only is he not my father but he is also not the father of my younger sister. To make matters worse - my sister and I have different fathers. I completely fell apart. My mother refuses to accept the test results and calls me a "liar".
I am a gulf war veteran. I am very sick and the VA cannot determine if I am suffering from a hereditary illness since my history is unknown or if this is directly related to gulf war illness.
My mother refuses to tell me though she makes comments about me having his eyes and my sons looking like him.
I want to get a lawyer to force her to tell me but I cannot find any examples of this on the internet.
I sincerely appreciate any guidance anyone can share. My email is fromhere_2eternity@yahoo.com.
Thank you,

Dec 16, 2014
finding 1/2 siblings
by: Wendy

I don't know your story, but you should be sure they are your siblings prior to contacting them. You should prob reach out to your birth-father first or anyone who knew him if he has passed. Once you have confirmation of who is your birth father, go from there and contact his children. Search the internet for where they may live and who they are. if you know someone with facebook, ask them to send a message the they may have a sister from their father and she would like to meet them. It is very hard to do this because people are not accepting an don't want their lives to change. Your mother, like mine; will take all the info they have about this to their graves and shame on the. One day they will meet their maker and have to own up to how they ruined their relationship's with their daughters. I wish you all the best.

Dec 15, 2014
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for your response, I just wouldn't know what to write to them on face book. and I am not completely sure I am there 1/2 siblings because mom wont tell me nothing.(so wicked and selfish of her) So even thought I think I see resemblance, have pictures and video's of mom and their dad together for years...I can't be sure when I tell them I am their 1/2 sibling. Do you have any suggestions on what to say to them and how to private message them on face book or other form?
THanks so much you've been a help to me