by A Longing Daughter

I am in a really awkward situation that has happened before. My parents divorced when i was young, and i lived with my single mother and sister for many years. My mom took me and my sister to church every sunday and wednesdays. I would cry at night to have a daddy again, then when i turned 10 my mom a single guy from church who wanted to go on a date with her. He took (all of us) on a family date and since then we have seen him everyday, I am 16 now. In that time he adopted me and my sister, which no longer gave my BIO-DAD any right to me. I was happy then because i thought stepdad was the greatest thing ever, and biodad was the most evil thing ever. I had that mentality for a short time, until stepdad started to psychologically abuse me, and manipulate my mom into thinking it is ok. I have runaway a few times and been kicked out once (which they later told the police i ran away~not true. I am on probation and see a therapist about it. She tells me the only thing i need to learn how to do is survive, don't fight back, don't stand up for what is right, to bite my tongue until i turn 18. My grandma (BIODAD's mom) found out about this and became furious, trying to help me and my sister in anyway. She then also decided to tell me and her about my dad. I learned that he served in the gulf war, he was abused when he was a child, he was smart but had low grades in highschool because he didn't turn in the homeworks but aced the tests ( which is SO something i do). I learned that the reason he became a alcoholic was because he was grieving the loss of is first born son (my older brother). From that point his life started to get bad. I don't know what to believe. My stepdad calls him WICKED, and it frustrated me because he doesn't know him. He doesn't know his pain. He doesn't know why he made those decisions. I wish with my whole heart that i could meet my dad again. My stepdad wont allow it though. I hear from my grandma that he still loves me, but then i hear from my stepdad that he didn't even care for me. I hear he still struggles with alcohol, I just want to tell him, that i forgive him i don't hate him, and that when i turn 18 i want to pursue a relationship with him. I just don't want him to beat himself up for me.
Is it foolish for me to think he still loves me?
Is it wrong for me to want a relationship with him?
Why can't i stop thinking about the man who started my life and left it?
And dear God I hope my daddy issues aren't that bad (comedic relief... ha ha )
~~ please dont judge my writing/ grammar I am just ranting~~

A Longing Daughter

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