Outsider's Fear, Anger, Depression
by Ms M
There's a war going on... inside me.
I was at a personal development weekend in February in the US, and as was part of the program, I sat in tears opposite the girl who was partnered to me for the exercise. We were asked to face our fears, grief and other emotions.
And you know, at the time, it brought me peace.
While I normally wouldn't take a microphone and offer to speak to a group of strangers about the experiences in the exercise, I found I was doing that with some ease.
And I said to them, for the first time I hadn't felt like committing suicide... much to the shock and sadness of the group who said they would never have picked me as someone so deeply saddened and troubled (apparently I come across as so confident... )
This morning I had an ironic half waking dream.
I took the microphone and said, "I'm a horrible person. I talk too much. I criticise everyone, and I'm miserable to be around. I am always angry, and opinionated, cynical and..." bla bla, you get the idea.
And oddly, there was a person who didn't appear in this dream yet whose voice was there, asking me why I would say these things about myself, or how could I identify myself that way...
and that was when I realised - in truth for myself - that how I feel and describe myself is every thing that others tell me I am.
I feel like an outsider, because I think differently. I know that because when I express my thoughts, few agree, no-one feels comfortable around me, I am least popular. Rarely does anyone stay engaged in a conversation with me.
I have few friends and I have become so disillusioned, so distrustful and and so uncaring lately (over the last few years) that I more or less have become a hermit... my own mother cannot understand why she has more of a social life than I do.
Get this; I am about to turn 41, I'm still single, only ever once was engaged to a manipulative control freak who was abusive... and therein lay one of my fears...
How the heck is it that I can only ever attract men that want to screw me or abuse me or use me...?
Well, if I were to take on board all the lessons I have learned from: The Secret, from Anthony Robbins' Firewalk, from counseling, coaching and books, from Louise Hay, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer... all whom I have been a big (and desperate) fan of, over the years... one would say, I attract what I believe about myself?
HOW - after all these years of counseling, of seeking answers, of having to model my self expression around what society can only just accept of me... HOW can I still be sooooo bloody miserable, and such horrid company, and so unemployable (yes I have been sacked when I was absolutely NOT in the wrong... ) and so unworthy of love, and so broke... and so barely successful in my own business ALL the bloody time??????
I am a true outsider, no matter what else I have wanted to believe about me.
You, society, have hounded me and told me what to believe about myself and convinced me of how worthless I am.
Thanks for that.
No, truly... let's just add that to the lessons that life's "university" dishes out...
Oh, and did I tell you that my sister-in-law, who had barely had more than 3 conversations with me, bluntly asked me if I was manic depressive???
What the &*#/???
Not only am I not Manic, I am not depressed, and I know this because I was once a psychiatric nurse. And no, I don't live in denial.
Yes I get depressed, who wouldn't when they don't fit in... however, by nature I am very friendly, caring, and way too giving to others.
Therein lay some of my other challenges.
Way too F*ing nice to others.
I share just this snippet of my life because it is so bottled up within me and I have no way to release it as I have no one to talk to, no one to tell... because we live in a society that doesn't want to know if you are down...
Society is full of BS - especially Australia where I live... the alleged Aussie attitude is false advertising.
If it were so grand, how come I can never ever ask for help or rely on any of my friends to be there for me, when I am down.. for fear and it has been demonstrated to me that when I ask, that no one wants to know how low I feel.
So it compounds.
Is it any wonder I feel the way I do.
Loneliness is more painful that anyone dares admit.
Add to that my injury from 15 yrs ago that was misdiagnosed and now causes me repeated health challenges, so that I struggle to live my own dreams of being an athlete - I want to run half marathons and in reality can barely walk 3 km.
Does anyone give a sh-t?
I just needed to vent.
Thank god for my computer - the only true 'connection' I have with the world.
Have an amazing day.