My Own Worst enemy

by Patricia

It seems others like/love me more than I do myself. For years I was confused by the positive feedback I was getting from people. Wondering why they said the things they did, what were they up to, what did they hope to get from it/me?
It took years to realize they responded to me the way they did because they saw things in me I was unable to see myself. But how is that possible? How can I be the person they say I am and still be unable to see it myself?
For years I've asked the question, 'what's wrong with me', why can't I make any headway in life. Why is it that everyone I know has this or that, been here or there, accomplished things and I seem to be in a permanent rut.
People see me as this person who has so much on the go and I wonder, are they blind? I don't have a job, a home, no plans, no goals. Most days I wonder why I'm still here and why I haven't ended it already. The thought of doing so is constant, even my friends know this but I assure them by saying, if I haven't done it by now I never will. Perhaps that's true.
I feel hopeless and the feeling is not new, its haunted me throughout my life, for as far back as I can remember. I went to group counselling (although I wanted private but could not afford it). I felt out of place listening to these women talk about the horrific things that happened to them in their childhood ad although mine was no cake walk, it paled compared to theirs. Even those people said to me, with kindness, "there's nothing wrong with you" but why does it always feel like there is. What's the payoff? There must be one, all the literature says so?

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