I am so angry. I've had medication, I've seen shrink after shrink from the nhs even paid privately, none of it works.
i get angry every day over nothing if i cant get a trainer on or if i get something stuck or if someone annoys me which is every day. Its when i go off like a bomb which only happens every so often its like ive bottled up so much and shook the bottle and then taken the top off then i unleash hell.
I have a new family i have my partner and my daughter who is 17 months old and my partners daughter who is 10 i threatend them both the other day all this in front of them all i said i was going to kill the told my cartner i was going to cut her throat slammed doors threw things i was in a blind rage i have hit people i have threatend i have cut myself hit myself i am a nutter and i know i am capable of alot more than just hitting someone.
I cant look back at my past and tell you times when i got angry and i cant ask why because i dont know. When i lose it i dont remember and i cannot remember anything. Yeah i was bullied all through my school life and beat by my dad watched him hit my mom get drunk smash up the house hit me i can remeber all those things but i dont think for once i get angry because of all that because honestly i dont give a shit about any of that.
all i know is i cant stand anyone trying to get one over on me trying to manipulate me anyone makes me feel small will suffer. I like it when people fear me i like it when they back down and if they dont im like a tornado nothing can stand in my way. But after all this anger and hatred i will cry i will look back and regret things i remember my family dont deserve this ive been like it all my life but cannot remeber when it all started feels like i was born with it i am a walking time bomb its only a matter of time before i kill someone or i get killed for upsetting the wrong one i cannot remember the last time i was happy well i suppose its when my daughter was born but if i was normal i could remeber other things.
I hate my job i hate my self i hate my life and i hate im destroying everyones around me i am mr angry and you know what not even god could cure me because lets face it if he did exist he couldnt. But there is one thing i can say and its the biggest fear i have and it lives with me day in day out haunts me when i drift off to sleep nearly everytime and its death i dont want to die