I know why I am Angry... But, How do I stop it?


(alabama)

My anger comes from my childhood & my ex-husband. I know you are automatically thinking I am putting the blame else where but, if I could tell you a little bit about my story...
As a child I was abused & so I thought getting Pregnant & Married would solve the abuse. Boy, was I ever wrong... That is when my troubles began, I was pregnant @ 16 yrs. old my mother hated me , my father still used me as a sex object & my husband (@ the time)would not work so I had to be the one to work. I left the baby with him & it was my first day @ work but around noon he came running into my place of employment to tell me that my child had passed. I felt my heart sinking & called him a liar over & over again. I felt like I had no one & no one understood me & my anger. I was passed around in a zombie state for months I was trying to find booze to comfort the pain & that did not work, of course.
So, with my mother still treating me like a criminal for getting pregnant at an early age, the in-laws was trying to keep me doped up so I would not press charges against their son for the neglectful murder of our son. At that time I didn't even know the reason of death, the cause of death or any of that. I was a child myself, instead of having a friend to talk to everyone was feeling sorry for themselves. At the time I felt like God was the only real sane thing or soul in my life. The only one that would listen but, no response... What did I do so wrong to deserve this? This was my question to God.
As crazy as it seems I gave the father of that child 15 more yrs. Why? I really don't know... But I have 3 more children by this same man & we are now divorced & live seperate. He does not want to see his children & blames this on me. So, my question is how do I let this go? This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. Not to mention I almost lost the 3 children that I have from illnesses while they was babies. But, the reason for my first childs death was suffocation but, the investigators & coroner ruled it as SIDS but, below my sons obituaury it said "Never sleep with a child under the age of 1 yrs. old"...
So, this is my life that has effected me for the last 20 yrs. & I need help resolving my thoughts of anger but, I don't want medication to do it...

Truly,

Hurt & Lonely

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