Narcissistic Sister

by Michelle
(Michigan)

I am in therapy to help me deal with anxiety/panic attacks and we are uncovering what a huge impact growing up with a narcisstic sister has had on my life.

I am trying to re-wire my brain so I can break free from the patterns that have been established between me and my sister since childhood. We are only 18 months apart and I am the older sister. We had to share a room through high school and I have been conditioned to respond in certain ways to protect myself. In other words, I was not given the opportunity at an early age to develop my own identity that was not chained the the "blamer." As an adult, I think that I may have assigned "the blamer" title unfairly to my husband and transfered my feelings toward my sister onto him. Wow -- I need to do alot of work!

This e-book is the most helpful piece of literature I have read that pertains to my situation. I am in the process of creating distance between us so I can work on rebuilding the way I look at myself in the world, separate from this ill person. It won't be easy as she is the master manipulator but I am continuing therapy and surrounding myself with positive, supportive people. Thank you so much.

Comments for Narcissistic Sister

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Apr 07, 2011
same situation
by: Anonymous

I am the younger sister of 18 months apart. My sister has stolden my identity all my life. I am forty now and finally realized it. It is awful.

Apr 22, 2012
Adding to the many
by: Anonymous

My sister has huge issues, and has driven me away so much that it never will be fixed. Not only is she a complete narcissist, but is religious as well. And over the top religious at that. When we little (I am 7 years older), she would tell my mother lies about me, so I would get disciplined, this helped keep my mother and my relationship full of tension and suspicion. When my daughter was born, I stressed heavily to her that she was not to ear bash my child about religion, I wanted that to be a personal decision..of course she would take her into a room telling her that she must be religious etc. I am still cranky about that and my daughter is nearly 20. (she thinks her aunty is a space cadet, so shes pushed her away too). She has alienated almost every member of her immediate family and extended family too. Aggressive and knows everything, never wrong, and as I stay away, I answered the phone at my parents place the other night and never recognised her voice. I avoid almost every social family gathering, as she may be there. Even thought my mother knows, she still makes excuses for her, but my dad knows, which is great. But it is still my fault, and everybody elses fault, never hers

Apr 24, 2012
same situation
by: DD

I am 16 months older than my narcissist sister. I too believe that my sister has stolen my identity all my life. It has taken me five decades to realize what was going on. I always thought that somehow I was responsible for how awful she treated me. Took me a lifetime to uncover the truth. So hurt.

Jun 17, 2012
nacissistic older sister
by: Anonymous

I never really got to know my eldest sister of 10 years until I joined the same religion as her (20 years ago). She preached to me and I believed it to be the truth and still do. At the time, she was going through a divorce and because changing my religion was controversial in my parents' house, I moved out and moved in w/her. That's when my nightmare began. It was her way or the highway all the time and I felt so trapped because if I left, I had no where to go. I was 20 & inexperienced (which she knew). She was demeaning all the time and threw me under the bus constantly to our friends. She became someone who a lot of people truly admired (and still do) but if you know her like I know her, she is highly abusive and aggressive to me. She can be nice, don't get me wrong, but it lasts for a short period of time. Ultimately, if I don't do things her way when she wants something of me, she will always get back at me and if I don't see it coming, it will eventually. We had a major blowout (over my parents' finances) few years ago and she wants control and to know every thing that happens. I told her to talk to them (as they're competent and still in control of their finances) but she blew up at me and has been angry at me ever since (that was 7 years ago). She even went so far as to slander me to our very close friends to get me uninvited to a gathering and it worked. She succeeded and turned some friends against me. Since then, we don't speak much unless necessary. I don't go out of my way unless she's visiting (she since has married and lives across the country). I feel better about myself, but the aura of her still lingers in me because I know it's never really over. I feel paranoid thinking something from her is coming down the pipeline. It sucks because she's supposed to be a Christian but acts like a bully in the schoolyard behind closed doors. I guess my father was that way too so I see where she gets it from but she's been through therapy and preaches the good news to others and still behaves like a bully to me. :(

Mar 20, 2013
thief
by: Anonymous

I am in the process of exposing my n sister for stealing my inheritance from my father. It took me 20 years to figure out she did this.All the while bad mouthing me to anyone who came within ear shot of her.A preemptive strike so that if i ever did expose her dirty secret it would look like i was just "jealous" of her. If she could convince everyone i was unstable, who would believe me anyways? It's devastating to discover your own family seeks to destroy you. It hurts and that's normal. You can not reason with the unreasonable.She is a parasite that feeds off the misery she inflicts on others.Two years ago i severed my relationship with her and have pulled my children out of her path of destruction.You can believe they were next on her list of people to lie to about me. Education is my best protection from her. "Living" my life is my ultimate revenge.Despite her best efforts, it looks like little "never" sailed.

Apr 17, 2013
Oxygen :)
by: Anonymous

I'm noticing here and in the comments on other sites, how common it seems to be that victims of narcissists often suffer in utter hell for years...often decades...before they finally get a handle on what's really going on. The same is true for me, having spent my entire adult life searching for clues, examining our family dynamic, retreating whenever possible in an attempt to stay sane,constantly being torn between the feeling that I can't give up on my family and yet I knew also that it was toxic, which resulted in an insatiable need "figure it out" in order to stay sane without completely abandoning my family. I have to wonder why it is that it took me (and apparently many others) so many years to identify the NPD. I have not spent a lot of time in therapy in my adult life....I did spend some time in therapy during my adolescence during which my sister's NPDwas not identified (maybe NPD wasn't well known in the 70's?) I was drowning in a narcissistic hell and was the one visibly "acting out". I knew nothing about NPD at the time, only that I needed someone to see the bigger picture and my sister was a "very effective" narcissist and had everyone under her control. I did spend a few visits in therapy in my 30's during which I described my sister's behavior, both past and then-present to this therapist...still knowing nothing of an actual disorder called NPD, and this therapist didn't mention NPD. It wasn't until years later when I was reading an article that I just happened upon ..about dealing with the narcissist in your life".. It was as if someone had turned on the oxygen after my having spent decades trying to breath through a small straw. I know this may sound strange to someone who hasn't been affected by a narcissist, but maybe quite clear to those who have. The description in that article...example by example...was exactly what I had described to my Therapist 10+ years previous...many of the exact same words I used...and the description of the affects...same thing....almost word for word. I don't know what kind of training therapists get, or if they should all even be "expected" to recognize the signs of NPD or if they're trained not to speak of their "supsicions" when they haven't had any one-on-one contact with the suspected narcissist....or what. All I know is that he could have saved me many years of scrambling to keep my sanity had he been able to suggest the possibility. Even if she can't be changed, at least I would have been able to move straight to the appropriate help for myself. However, I now feel very lucky that this information on NPD did eventually drop into my lap. I have now been able to work through so much and have gained untold amounts of stress relief as a result of understanding this disorder better and finding stategies on dealing with narcissists.

May 18, 2013
My sick O sister
by: Anonymous

Oh wow! I have a sick o Narcissistic sister, Cant stand the bitch.

May 27, 2013
Anxious
by: Anonymous

I wish I could comment but I am worried in case she sees it.

May 29, 2013
Response to "Anxious"
by: Anonymous

C'mon Anxious! Dish! It'll do ya good! ...and besides, if you don't give any names and you keep your annonymous identity, there shouldn't be anything to worry about. Also, you might try therapy for ideas on coping with the situation.

Jun 02, 2013
A long road
by: Anonymous

I have been having problems with both my mum and sister for decades. I believe now they are both inflicted with npd. My husband has identified their manipulations insecurities and emotional hold on me from the beginning . I just felt like something was wrong as I was flung around in a roll a coaster of emotions. They are Christian and family but why do I feel so torn. I leave their company feeling so down with an inferior husband, like somehow my life , my job, my family is insignificant. As I stepped back ( I would never step out of their lives altogether) there was the most vile outcry. I had abandoned my sister and her children apparently and it is still unforgiven. They take delight in things that go wrong for me do not reach out to me and accuse me of jealousy. It hurts as I have tried to please them for decades with kindness support gifts and service. For so long I have been so confused with our relationship , but the further away I get the more I see how trapped I was and look forward to a life of freedom although the guilt emotions and wondering what they think of me still haunts me. It's a long road but I am looking forward to finding myself and feeling truly free of their expectations and judgements. I thank God for my husband who has stood by and watched me drown in these relationships always lovingly warning me and rarely saying I told you so.

Sep 27, 2013
N brother
by: Christy

My younger brother is a blamer and an N. When he does vindictive things to me other people don't believe it because they don't understand why anyone would do that. He lies about me and they don't understand that he is lying because he seems so sincere. If they would look a little closer at his life they would see the cracks, but many people are just content to enjoy the charming facade.

He has tried to turn everyone against me and had no qualms about trying this with my husband even and my children. They are disgusted with him, but he turned a whole church against me and his young wife won't talk to us, especially me. I now realize how jealous and empty he is and recognize he was controlling my parents against me even when he was a boy! Get this, when my brother and I had our huge falling out over his bad behavior to me, my Dad kept blaming me and insisting that I 'fix' the relationship. I stood back and realized 'wow' why should my 30-something brother not be responsible for relationships? Yet I am responsible for his happiness? I said to hell with it and he never calls or responds while still blaming me for his problems. I'm sure he's making his wife's life hell, but it's not my problem and she thinks I hate her because he told her so.

We live in a small town and sometimes things happen that are unavoidable. My daughter lost a recent competition and we found out he was one of the judges. Nobody could understand at the time because it was so obvious that she should have won. Even the winner was confused. Stupid stuff like that. Punishing my daughter to get any dig at me. It's just one example of 100 things that happen when he has an opportunity to hurt me!

Sep 27, 2013
Unbelievably AMAZING site on Covert Abuse...
by: Anonymous

For all posters and/or victims of NPD...especially the "covert" type of NPD....The following site has been a God-send for me and I highly recommend checking it out. A good place to start would be any of the links under "Recent Posts" Here is the web address: http://covertabuse.com/ Blessings!

Jan 24, 2014
I cut them all loose
by: Anonymous

Since I was a small child, my eldest sister has manipulated me and our other sister. Without going into detail, all. I can say is that after finding this site and reading it, I now know why I feel so at peace because I ended my relationships with both of them. They have done a number on me and I still worry it's my fault. But the funny thing is, I have wonderful relationships with my friends, my husband, my children and my husbands family as well as my co-workers. This has been going on for over 60 years.

Mar 18, 2014
Agree with Oxegen :)
by: Anonymous

I can relate to the comment below from "Oxegen :)". I agree that many therapists I went to knew nothing about NPD. I stumbled upon it myself at the library and it helped me tremendously to understand NPD. I now have empathy for my sister instead of feeling hate. Thank you for your comments. I am not alone.

Mar 31, 2014
Horrible sister
by: Anonymous

Wow reading these posts makes me realize what I grew up with - a monster that destroyed our family . So good to read these posts as its helps with the healing and its time for us all to move on and enjoy our lives which at the end of the day is the best revenge !

Apr 04, 2014
empathy...
by: Anonymous

My experience was more mind-twisting than anything I could possibly describe to anyone who hasn't been there....But at the same time I have a problem with labeling my sister a "monster". Even though the result of her behavior has been beyond monstrous, I tend to believe that she did/doesn't have control over it and I'm still feeling that a little empathy is appropriate...from a safe distance of course...After all, once we understand how we've been duped and manipulated we can make different choices in our own responses, strengthen our boundaries, etc. in order to protect ourselves. I realize that there are probably some situations and/or families where this might not be possible, but I've found that the more I learn about the condition, the less hate and more empathy I feel...which ultimately is more healing for me than thoughts of revenge.

Apr 06, 2014
And the fog has cleared
by: Anonymous

Hi everyone.

I suffer from PTSD because of living with a N sister for slightly over a year. I could never understand how she could have done all that she did to me and my family. I have been trying to make excuses to lessen the pain, but that hasn't worked. She has manipulated my parents and has them wrapped around her little finger from the time we were children. They are always bailing her out of one situation after another because she's the Golden Child. However, that has only served to enable her Narcissistic personality even more. I have not had any contact with her since 2010, but I always feel paranoid that she's going to do something else but I don't know what. I also live with a great sense of shame because I feel as though I should have seen through it. Consciously I know that it's not my fault, but I can't help feeling the way I do. Just typing out this post is setting off my anxiety. I am really grateful to know that it really wasn't my problem but hers (and my N mum too).

Jun 26, 2014
You All Sound Like Beautiful People!
by: Anonymous

I always wondered why I wasn't filled with hatred for my Narcissistic mother and older sister. But just like you all here, we came out on top, we were better off than our narcissistic family members. Because we didn't get any of that narcissistic power! So we developed empathy and love for them, we wanted them to love us so much! When they didn't, and when they continued abusing us instead, we developed a lot of problems like fear, anxiety, self-blame, feelings of guilt, longing for a normal, loving family and never getting it. Those are all very normal feelings to have under all that stress and abuse that we suffered. So we are normal, they are not. We came off the winners after all. Yet, it still leaves us with the hole in our heart/soul that always wishes that it could be different. That will never go away completely. So we hope, against all odds that it will ever come about. I wish I could sit down with all of us together and just get to know one another, but of course it can't be. But I see my life in every single story here. That in itself is so comforting, to not be alone like I was for decades! I am 75 years old and have given up on my
narcissistic sister who is 11 months older than me . She stopped all association with me after our mother died 6 yrs ago. It hurt, but I am better for it. I now have peace and know that I tried very hard all of my life to get along with her, and she ruined it over and over again. So now, I just find myself hoping she will stay away. Every sibling has left her now, moved far away except me, and she can't allow herself to be associated with me because I won't let her manipulate me anymore, and that's inexcusable in her eyes, so she is done with me. Now she only manipulates her own children. I care about her, but my love has gone to a place where it can do the most good, toward my own husband, kids, gr. kids, and great gr. kids and my loyal, loving friends who all know about my life as the Family Scapegoat. They know that when my sister completely cut off ties with me, I never looked back, never responded to the silence, never missed the sick relationship. I can have empathy for her, but from a distance, not speaking and seeing her. I need my peace more than I need to try to have a normal relationship with a person who never appreciated me, and found fault with me instead of accepting my loving efforts toward her and all of our siblings. Our mother created this situation, and I leave it to my Creator, my Loving Heavenly Father to work it out in the future. I'm ok, you are all ok, we are survivors.

Jul 06, 2014
Wow
by: Relieved

I don't feel crazy anymore. I almost destroyed myself. Came real close by drinking a lot. Nothing will make me go back to a life around a N, and I don't care who it is anymore. 50 years of this abuse and an entire family (sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews etc)all under the N's spell. Well, I might be lonely....but I'm never alone...right?

Jul 14, 2014
Narcissists destroy trust in the entire Family
by: Anonymous

No, you are not alone, my n. sister and mother also over time turned the entire family of aunts and uncles, cousins, etc, away from me. But I never had a close relationship with them anyway, because of the neg. work that was always being done behind my back by them. Sadly, N.'s think it's necessary to be #1 in everyone's eyes. The only way they can do that is to undermine, criticize, slander anyone who they feel is a threat to their ''popularity.'' So they go after the very one they feel threatened the most over, the scapegoat. Why we were chosen as the scapegoat is because we were not bad people, we were easy to put blame on, we were the more quiet ones, the ones who had love for everyone in the family, the helpers. We wouldn't start fights, cause trouble. Because we knew early on that we would not be defended by anyone. But we were blamed anyway. I'm not saying we didn't fight, my sister and I fought all the time because of her hatefulness toward me, but our mother sided with her 100 % of the time. The scapegoaters don't like it that someone is acting better than them. I have read that they are jealous over our tendency to have good qualities. Because being beaten down does cause a humbling of the spirit, the mistreatment does cause us to develop empathy for others who suffer. Even after years pass, many of us develop empathy for the abusers, which they know they don't have for us! We come to see how they turn out, how they are locked in a no emotional growth life. We can see that after decades passing, they never change their cruel ways. It's not that we were/are perfect, but ever single imperfection that we have is magnified 1000 x's bigger than it really is. And their imperfections are minimized 1000 x's smaller than they are.
Every single sibling I have (5) has come to me alone and told me they saw it all and that it affected how they feel about the abusers. They finally moved far away from the N.
Drinking doesn't work, don't beat your own self up by thinking it will help for a while, it never does. I tried that too. LOL. I came to see that in certain ways, eating too much chocolate for instance, and alcohol, I was abusing my own self, doing their dirty work for them!! I was taught self-hate. I had to let those thoughts go, learn to love myself, and develop healthy ways to treat my body. I hope that you do the best for yourself that you can do, be close to the few that you can trust, (yes, we have trust issues - for good reason!) and have the best life that you can possibly have, and keep in close contact with and trust that our Father in heaven sees and is helping us every single day! He saw it all, and he cares about us. May He bless you!

Jul 17, 2014
Thanks
by: Relieved

Well Anon, reading your last was like reviewing the last 49 years of my life, right down the relationship you have with the rest of your family. Hmmm. Almost makes me worry that I "blacked out" and wrote it, save one detail. It's my father and sister. If the rest see it, they don't speak of it. Doesn't stop them from coming out of the woodwork to tell me about everything she's said. My father too. Some of it's shocking. I know I made an unwise conscious choice somewhere down along the line and said, "well if I'm going to blamed for it, I might as well...."
I still feel a bit surreal about it. I can't imagine being that focused on debasing another human being. Like a "nobody is that terrible" thought. It's got me worried about my sanity a little. Let's face it, the only ones that agree are the ones that don't like the N. I feel better though. Now that I know why, I can address other issues with some logic reasoning, change the way I see things and my responses without loading up on excuses. Bad things happen to good people all the time. How we deal with it determines our success.... Think I'm going to put that on my mirror today.

Jul 19, 2014
UPDATE - Unbelievably AMAZING site on Covert Abuse
by: Anonymous

Updated web address for:
Unbelievably AMAZING site on Covert Abuse (posted above on Sep 27, 2013)
The web address posted above (in Sept) has now changed. Still highly recommended. This link will bring you to the “smokescreens” page, which I just felt would be a good place to start (for it’s validating effect)….but there is more! Check it ALL out!

Here' the new link:

http://demianyumei.com/category/covert-abuse/smokescreens/

Jul 19, 2014
Siblings who do not defend
by: Anonymous

My siblings only came to me one at a time over the years once or twice to tell me that they saw the abuse and were affected adversely because of having witnessed it. Not often at all. They all stayed with the n. sister. Then one by one, they moved to other States in the USA. I one in a while hear from one and nothing from the others and I count that as a blessing now. And like you, they used to tell me all the ''dirt'' about our n. sister every chance they got. But it was so unhealthy, because they only do that if they are mad at her at the time. When they aren't, I do not hear a thing from them or about the n. sister. Now, I go on with my life and do my healing one day at a time w/o them. Because this is not what I or anyone would call a 'family'. it's a circus, and I am always part of the ''freak show''. haha I find it hilarious now, I truly do!!!!! Because it should be called "The Only One Who Calls It Like It Truly Is, a Sick Family" show.
I did the same thing as you, I also did wrong things when I was younger. Don't fault yourself, it's a normal reaction to abuse. They used to call me crazy all the time so I would find myself acting crazy when they would attack me. Also other things that I did wrong in my own private life, and had to recover from and change my ways. Baggage always comes from those kinds of things that we do, thinking it's getting back at them when really, it's hurting only ourselves and they're rejoicing over our pain. When I found out years ago that they were not going to be there for me even if i was in such dire straits that I could die, I began to change, to care more about how I treat myself, since I could plainly see that not even my dying would melt their cold, cold hearts. I had to get well on my own, and then stop all the foolishness of abusing myself by making bad choices. And I have done that. I am now healthier physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I thank my Creator for all the help that He has given me and is giving me each day. Do not beat yourself up over past mistakes. Do good toDAY. God Bless you.

Jul 20, 2014
worrying about our sanity
by: Anonymous

I clearly see how much it affects us, by the way, to be treated like we don't matter. It causes us to doubt ourselves so much that we begin to believe as young children that ''they must know what they're talking about, they both (or all) say I am weird, stupid, trouble maker, not co-operating, lazy, selfish, crazy, etc, etc, etc. So maybe I am."
No, we have been duped. And it takes time to see it clearly. Everyone is dumb sometimes, lazy sometimes, weird or stupid sometimes. But we were told we were those things all the time, no matter what we were doing, right or wrong. We really were brainwashed into believing the lies. We were bullied.
You sound like you want to take responsibility for your own choices. That's healthy. But while you're doing that, don't buy into all the negative talk of the bullies. See your good, and change what needs to be changed. And give yourself credit for seeing both the good and the bad about yourself. Because narcissists don't do that. They can't. They have too much to lose. We don't have anything to lose, we already lost everything. Now we just need to lose the neg. feelings about ourselves that we've been told we should believe. It's hard at first, but it gets easier over time. After decades, it became so obvious to me that a loving family would never treat one of their own like this. That was what helped me the most to see that nothing I did caused it and so nothing I would ever do would heal my family. So I chose to heal the only person I could, myself. That's when I really began to grow into a healthier person and let go of my fears that maybe I was as bad as they say. I know better now. I still love them and still wish I had a normal family. But wishing won't get it. So I am happy with whatever good and whatever peace I find in my life and it's enough.

Aug 30, 2014
Thanks for all your Comments
by: Englishwoman

I stumbled upon this website in desperation - trying to find out why my sister who is older than me by 10 years has always been so awful towards me. I knew - for some time that she was a narcissistic personality - as was my mother although she died when I was 16. I always thought - like the other comments - how wonderful it would have been to have been part of a normal, loving family - but it was not to be. I can see now that my sister took over from my mother when she died and over the years, convinced my father that I was no good. My father had actually been my only "friend" within my cold family. I felt - as a child - that I was an "outsider" in my family - not a member of this exclusive "Club". My sister had been the "only child" for 10 years - and who knows - it might have been different had I been born a boy? My aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbours all thought my sister was a caring, sensitive, artistic soul and I was just ignored. I was labelled "the plain one" - whereas my sister was the "beautiful one". However, I was the clever one at school. This still was wrong though when my mother told me that because I passed my exam to go to Grammar School that I would become a snob. All the other parents were performing cartwheels of joy. Over the years, my sister has done such harm to me, destroying my first marriage, alienating my father from me and telling lies to relatives and friends. She has actually tried to cause me and my son physical harm. I have severed all ties with her after 63 years (she's 73) and hope to recover after all these years, although I feel so sad at the moment. Its so reassuring to know that I am not the only victim out there.

Aug 31, 2014
Narcisstic Sister
by: Cheril

I googled narcissist sister and I cannot believe how all the stories very closely sound just like my sister and family.

My sister is 6 years younger than me, and she learned to be a narcissist because my mother was one. She was the one with narcissist rage (mother) and I always wondered why my sister hated me. I was always nice to her and she would point out something stupid like I hid behind a door once and said boo...(my brothers and I used to always play this game). My sister would go crying and screaming to my mother who would come out after us with the wooden spoon. Mother never bathed me, or washed our hair, she was only into my sister and trying to make her life happy. My one brother does not talk to my sister or see my mother anymore and hasnt in many years. He decided to have self preservation decades ago and kept to himself.

My sister is the owner of my mothers house, executor of the Will and lives near our mother and never helps her out. Not even push a vacuum or food shop. I live 5 hours away and come in by bus to help out with cleaning, etc. I did it for a while now am stopping and leaving the mother situation 100 percent to my sister who ignores every good and proper suggestion for caring for our elderly mother. Doing this has caused my mother a few trips to the hospital because my sister couldnt bother checking up on her leaving her to my cousin to go there and do all the work.

My mother and sister have destroyed our family-me my other brother and father were shut out from any conversations and being part of the family. When my father died 20 years ago, my sister ignored him completely and all his needs. I took care of him to the moment he died. My mother would not even get him water and he was dying of cancer. I told my sister he would die any day and please come to the house..she was 30 mins. away but she said she could not as it was her turn for her vacation home that weekend and would stop by on Sunday. I said he will be dead by Sunday. He died Saturday.

After my mom passes I do not imagine I will have any contact with my sister--and I dont expect to get any money as she is the owner of the house and controls everything. Im not mentioned in theWill so I will get nothing. My sister will do whatever she wants with the money when I was the one doing all the cleaning, laundry for a household growing up and taking care of both parents.

I feel very damaged by my mother and sister who shut me out of their lives and treated me like trash. Once when I went to a counselor to seek help, the counselor came to the house to see what was going on. It was my counselor and I paid for it, not my mothers. My mother, behind my back, went to the counselor and said I have to tell you about my daughter and how bad she is.. She then told the counselor that I had been married once before and divorced and just trashed me all over the place. The counselor told me what she said and did becasuse it was not a "paid session" and my mother was not his patient. He told me how abusive she was and she would also abuse my children, which she was already doing. And she would abuse me in front of them.

So Im leaving all the care to my sister for my mother. She can keep the money and gloat in her glory. I believe in God and an aferlife and believe we will all be judged according to what we did and how we made others suffer. I hold no hate towards them, its that I just dont care anymore. Im 58 and Im tired. I want peace in my life and will pursue that.

Sep 03, 2014
Oh my goodness, Cheril
by: Anonymous

Your life has been so much like my own, it's the same for so many of us here. You have a beautiful spirit. They can't take the good feelings out of us that come from us knowing the good that we did and tried to do. They would never allow us to feel good about any of our accomplishments, or the love that we showed them, so let's just keep it where you said, that our Creator knows the truth, and He will set all matters straight in His own time.
And just like you, my father was the one who saw what was going on and he would speak up sometimes in my behalf. I loved him so very much, he had the only truly loving heart between my N. mother and N. sister. My mother and sister controlled the entire family, and when my mother died, everything went to my sister, and she shared it all with everyone after taking the lions share for herself. I got nothing, but I didn't WANT anything, and believe me, I am being 100% truthful. Why have things that would remind me of my mother, and the abuse she dealt out to me all my life?
My sister hung up on me when I called her after my mother died, I was calling her asking how much my share was for the cost of the cremation. She couldn't even be cordial at the time when families should be able to come together and bury their dead. She has chosen to not have any contact with me for these 6 years since our mothers death. She thinks that's hurting me, but I am so thankful that she has taken that stand, I am at PEACE at long last. I never have to worry about how to react when she is around, because she ISNT around any more. If she knew that she was giving me such peace by staying out of my life, she would probably try to enter my life again to cause me emotional pain again, so I hope she never figures it out.
What happened to us was we were born into families where one or more members who had all the power were sick, my mother was the one in my family who was emotionally troubled because of things that happened in her family while she grew up. She brought those problems to her own children, and made my sister the favored one so my mother would have a best friend to dump all her troubles on. My sister felt the favoritism and basked in it, and used it against the rest of us, and became narcissistic also just like our mother was. I truly feel sorry for her. Because if I had been chosen to be the favorite child, I may have become just like her.
No, my dear, you are far from being alone. I am older than you and am grateful to have learned this year that there are others who are walking in my shoes and surviving.. We have become stronger because of knowing that others are out there just like us. God bless.

Sep 05, 2014
Narcissistic Sister
by: Anonymous

I am numb, in shock, sad, and experiencing an onslot of my PTSD symptoms after dealing with a 3 week episode of blame, and scApegoating from my narcissistic sister, her daughter who is following in her shoes, and also the ways my sister has influenced both my father and my other sister. This has been going on all my life, and I have just in the past week identified it all as falling under the umbrella of malignant narcism. Of course, I always was awAre of the lake of love, hate and blame that I was affected by. I have been abused, lied to and about, slandered, stolen from, set up etc. I just wanted to be loved and accepted. I thought things had gotten better, and was duped again! I feel stupid, and hurt all over by the mean cruelty. Like others, I have been to counseling off and on for this and other painful family issues, including an emotional abusive father and sexual abuse. No counselor has ever identified this group of behaviors that have effected me through my sister and in some degree from my dad as an actual mental health condition or ever offered me tools, or insight that the likelihood that their behavior will not improve or that I would be better off to distance myself. My counselors have talked about boundaries, forgiveness and helped me reAlize that their behaviors against me are about them, not me, but never really identified it as it really is. I would right out my "story" but I am just too drained, and also a bit afraid of the retaliation that comes when you call these dysfunctional people on their stuff. At this point, I'll just say I appreciate the comments I have read, my heart goes out to all of you, and it does help some to know that I am not the only one that has been victimized by this apparently somewhat common family dynamic. I would also like to know which "e-book" the first writer was referring to when she commented on the e-book helping her so much. Can the writer let me know the title? Thank you.

Sep 14, 2014
sister tried to manipulate me for 40 years
by: Anonymous

I join everyone here. My sister is 4 years older than me and bullied and intimidated me when I was young. She had this scheme to get my assets and inheritance. She manipulated it so that no girl would look at me to marry. She controlled everyone in our social circle to see me as weak and mild.
My only option was to break away from everyone.
Every time I brought a girl home, she manipulated my family to hate her and to break us up. I finally decided to not bring anyone home. I met a girl who was 4 years older than me. She also had brown skin. She tried every stunt she could, manipulating my parents to try everything to break us up. We eloped. For 2 years they refused to acknowledge her existence. Finally I was invited to a family friends wedding. They had no choice but to acknowledge her. They all came over to our house with a small wedding cake and pretended like we were just married. Getting married older, we tried to have children, but we can't. 2 years ago, I stated to the family that since I don't have children, that I would divest myself of my assets when I retired in order for us to live well in our old age. The look on my sisters face was incredible. She actually went aside and mumbled to herself,"what was I doing all those years."she then actually went and lied to my father that I would retire when he died and sell the assets. My father, by now dubious yet still under her thumb, asked me if that was true. I stated that when I retire in 20 years that I would divest. I never denied it. My father had a look of shame, because we both knew who lied. This past summer, I took my parents to London to see the flat we bought there. My father and mother were in awe of the standards my wife and I have. It is a small flat, but very nice in a good area of central London. I finally got my mother to acknowledge the bullying that she ignored and tried to cover up for my father and sisters actions. I've moved on, and I wanted to tell of my suffering and its actually a relief to see that I'm not alone.

Sep 16, 2014
No, you are not alone
by: Anonymous

Sounds so familiar, you have the same issues as the rest of us here. Just different circumstances. It always hurts.
Thanks for sharing your feelings with us here.

Sep 25, 2014
I had no idea
by: Anonymous

My sister caused me great hurt last week in an email where she accused me of manipulation, playing mind games, and threatening me that If i want to have a relationship with her I have to stop manipulation antics.
Not until I came to this website did I realize what was wrong with my sister. I have suffered all my life because of her and I am 64. Nothing I ever did was never good enough, I was never smart enough. She had all the knowledge about everything, she was the favorite, yet I was the one who took care of my elderly parents until the end.
Here I am wrestling with forgiveness and trying to figure out how to maintain a relationship, where I can’t think, speak, or have an opinion.
I feel stupid, my boss was narcissistic and I worked for that man for 22 years, how could I not see the same symptoms in my sister. The only way that I am going to have peace is to distant myself from her.

Sep 26, 2014
Distance
by: Anonymous

Yes my friend. Distance works. Also, getting involved with something that doesn't remind you of the pain. I found this website some months ago and it changed my life. There's comfort in knowing you aren't alone. I became a sponge and soaked up everything I could find to read about narcissism. It gets better. The pain and hurt eases over time once you get free of ongoing injustices. It's your future. Take control of it, no matter your age. It's never too late.
One day you will wake up and be shocked that your first thought in the morning isn't of anger at how you've been treated. It's not magic and it doesn't happen overnight. Be patient. When it feels overwhelming, push it aside and do something else. Just like AA. It works if you work it. Please try. We need more people like all of you who have lived through it and learned something from it to change it. All my best. Sincerely.

Sep 27, 2014
Same Story
by: Anonymous

I'm 48 years old and my n sister is 4 years older than me. It has only been a couple of years that I realized she was narcissistic. I have tried to be her friend twice in my life and know that we will never be friends. She isn't capable. Each time I have tried, I've regretted it. There has been many instances over the years that have left me hurt and confused. She has blamed me for stuff that has happened in her life. She has talked bad about me behind my back and in front of me. Right before I had distanced myself, she told me she cannot say she's sorry to no one. She'll even argue over something even if she knows she's wrong. She calls her two daughters and me sensitive, which one daughter cut off all ties with her completely. I have distanced myself this past year. She has been a soap opera all her life and plays the victim well. However, she can be charming and very talkative. What is bad, is that we know a lot of the same people. What do i say to the people when they want to know why we don't see each other or get along? What makes it sad, is that we are the only siblings in the area. I am thankful for my supportive husband, kids and husbands family, which I have a great relationship with. I am also thankful for sites like this were I know I'm not alone.

Sep 28, 2014
Horrible Sisiter
by: Anonymous

My sister has turned her children & now that I'm reading other posts. Probably my children also. Against me. My children & I are doing better. But I'm starting to open up & tell them about the things that she has done. When I tried in the past. They wouldn't hear of it. I've felt for years hat I was living on an island. We lost our little brother in a accident whe he was 5 we were 7-me 9-sister we were with him when it happened. I feel like we lost our Mom at that same time. She had another boy 4 years later. He was her world. I was the plain, shy unpopular child. She was the blond burst of sunshine. But she never had a good personality. I was troubled when I was a young adult & had no clue how to be a parent. We both got pregnant before we were married. She got married two weeks before the baby was born. I was left before the wedding. I'm the bad one now. So therefore any troubles between myself and my oldest daughter are due to my past. We MUST blame me for my past. But that's because I know all of the secrets of her past. That would probably get her divorced still today. But I'm not like that. I'll never tell. No need to. I know who I am. 5 years ago my Mom built an apartment onto my sisters house. And all she does is put down on my Mom. (Because you can't have two Moms in a narcissus house). Every penny my Mom spent of her own money. Turned into Mom was spending her inhertance. I asked her one day why she asked her to move In with her if she drove her that crazy. She told me that she didn't expect my Mom to live as long as she has. Yep!! That's what she said. If you confront her her child army of 4 daughters go into attack mode. They know how she is but I'm expected to overlook this. I have always taken my Mom to the Dr's & stayed with her In the hospital. She has never done this. My Mom told me she was going to give one of us her wedding ring after my Dad died. I told her to give it to my sister. I knew in my heart it wasn't worth the retribution. So now she has an addition on her house & a $10,000 diamond on her hand from a woman she never has a kind word to say about. Until now. My brother in laws mom & dad moved into our town. My bro in law works shift work. He's not in good health. She doesn't work (if you only knew how much $$ he makes. You'd know why I don't have to work. But that's his problem). Yep! Another quote. When he is not working he has to bring his parents where they need to go. Even though my sister is sitting on her good for nothing butt all day long. Well someone in the family metioned to her that she was selfish. She says that she can't help him because she is taking care of her mother. Who takes care of herself unless she's sick then I take care of her. So now she's all over my Mom. Trying to convince everyone that my Mom is ill and she is too scatterbrained to know it. She's got a nurse on it now. She told me that if she is out of town & my Mom gets sick to call her because she will tell me what needs to be done. Yeah! I'll call her. My Mom asked me to take her to eat out. She asked my Mom why would you ask her and not me. She is crazy crazy crazy. She literally makes up life as she goes along and expects everyone to bend to how she wants it. Her family does this. But they expect me to do this also. If I don't I'm treated like garbage when I go to visit my Mom. She has a shopping addiction & posts her weight on facebook when she gets below 130 lbs. She makes up lies to make herself look good & me look bad. And like everyone else it took me 50 years to find out what my problem was. They convince you that you are a bad person. When it's really them.

Oct 03, 2014
Awakened, finally!
by: Anonymous

I am forty years old in 5 days and have just recently awakened to the NPD in my life. My sister is three years older than me. Unconsciously, I have suffered a lifetime of anxiety due to my relationship with this poor pathetic soul. Up until recently, I always looked at my upbringing and experiences as 'my normal'. All of September, spirit has confirmed so much in my heart that my so-called normal was actually a living hell. Memories were being revealed to me little by little. For the last couple of years I have been on a deep healing journey which has helped me care and love myself so much more. I guess with all my healing work my eyes have been opened to how I had been treated all my life by this sister. Her behaviors were abusive, manipulative and controlling and the family lives in this toxicity. I had a pretty good relationship with my mom and dad until this past year, but now I realize that I have to protect myself and my family from all the toxicity and that means letting them go too. They never could identify the NPD behavior out of shear naïveté and brainwashing. They couldn't protect me. They just don't see it. She has them under her spell. I don't believe in this lifetime that this will be healed, so I must be responsible for my well being and become more educated about this behavior pattern so I am armed. I am worth it and so are my two boys and husband. All I can say is pray lots and surrender to your higher power. Your soul is rooting for you and always wants something bigger and better than your mind can imagine. Be free!

Oct 12, 2014
anger
by: Anonymous

I'm having trouble this morning getting past the anger. The depths of this betrayal is hard to believe. I retired from the military after 25 plus years. The "n" sister has passed off lies about my career, making it sound as though I was forced to retire among the rest of my family and I'm now looked upon with shame.
I was never one for tooting my own horn, so I didn't plan on a huge ceremony. I just wanted someone to hold the door for me while I unpacked my office type thing, but my boss said that wasn't going to fly for someone with 25 years of service. As in all things military, you follow orders, but I agreed to nothing more than a lunch. I made the mistake of mentioning the lunch to my n sister. She knew it was just a lunch. No fan fare, bells or whistles. Just food and company. I welcomed her with an invite.
Well, that was another mistake. She took the lack of fan fare, and turn it into a shaming scenario. She packed the car with my parents and her children and filled their heads with it before and after the lunch. Not to mention making me late waiting for her to arrive from out of town with her entourage. I didn't find out until two years afterwards when speaking with my Stepmother. How cunning of her. Almost admirable, but deplorable, despicable and repulsive at the same time. Like watching a horror movie and I'm furious. If there was one thing I didn't want messed with aside from my children, it's my career. I'm proud of my career. There are no blemishes in 25 years. I have a chest full of medals and a pristine service record to prove it. How could anyone do such a thing? Much less a family member? Is it evil? That's pretty much what happened. Is it really as bad as I think?

Oct 13, 2014
in response to "anger"
by: Anonymous

Yes, "anger", it most likely really is as bad as you think. I've come to think of my sister as more of an "addict" than "evil"....Addicted to being on top...whatever she has to do to accomplish that, is just par for the course...It isn't motivated by hate or just wanting to do harm for harm's sake...It's motivated by desperation. It's true that the outcome couldn't be any worse if it WAS pure evil, but somehow after coming to see it this way, it really helps me in some strange way....And the biggest help of all is now knowing that there are others who know exactly what my situation has been. As I was reading your post, I was thinking...oh...my...god...this sounds exactly like the kind of thing my sister would (and DOES) do. I'll bet this guy has lived a life of hell. If no one else can see it in your own sphere, just know that I (and WE HERE)can understand it perfectly and wish you all the best.

Oct 14, 2014
Probably so....
by: Anonymous

It's hard to believe but yes it usually is that bad. And the person that they are most jealous of is usually the one that they target. Probably because of your career. I am seriously just starting to see things for what they are. I almost want to move away because now that I see this behavior I realize if I try to mention it to anyone I am shut down. Which tells me that this has been going on for a loooooong time. my sister told my mom awhile back that she now realizes that she will never be me. My therapist said that is not good. I really am probably her target. My own children even shut me down she managed to take over both of their weddings and showers and cut me out. Her children also do this. I have to stay smart enough to know its not me or I would prolbably lose my mind. But this is the only thing that she hasn't taken from me so I have to keep it. I would like to move and start fresh. All new people that she hasn't brainwashed, all new job etc. she is a horrible, evil, manipulative piece of work. All that these people do is plan out their next "me" project. And how they can best you. Well, she has finally won. I'm getting old & tired She has everyone including my mother who I have taken care of and my own children confiding in her. If I try to talk to them about her they get very quiet. The next thing that I know a put down comes next from them I was trying to help my mom get her car yesterday so she wouldn't have to walk so far. She got mad at me and said that wasn't necessary. The next thing that I know she said that my sisters daughter (my niece) got it for her. And she didn't even have to ask. She just knew to get it for her. I have taken care of her when she was sick out of nothing but love. And my sister needs to do this now so I need to get out of the way. So I will believe me. The ugliness from them isn't worth it. My Mom has never treated me the way that she has been lately. So therefore I know my sister is behind it. The funny thing is before this. My Mom used to cry to me about my sister all of the time. But now. She walks on water. That's how they are. Even the ones who you thought that you could trust. If you challenge them. Look out. The world will be out to get you. They are very sit people. It's not you.

Oct 15, 2014
I feel so bad and sad for all of you.
by: Anonymous

Your stories are my stories too, I feel such compassion for you all. These sick parents and siblings could never destroy our humanity. We only wanted to belong to and be loved, accepted by our own. But we were not and are not going to be. So continue finding your own place, peace and joy without them, as I am doing. It helps to see them as sick, desperate for the prize of "Top Dog". And remembering that they will stoop as low as they deem necessary to hold on to that prize keeps me at a safe distance from them. Funny, but when I was associating with them, I was always depressed, lonely, desperate for peace. Now, I have no contact except with 2 relatives very occasionally, and I am at peace and actually found a happy, joyful life with my husband, children and a few close friends.
I'm old now. We are at the end of our lives. She still won't stop the lifelong blame/ shame tactics. So I let everyone think what they want and go on with my life, forgiving her and all who back her cruel ways. She is and always has been the powerful one. The beautiful one. And people just can't seem to resist her and her propaganda. I can't fight that. So I chose a good, honest life and am finally in an emotional peaceful place that she can't enter.
I wish you all peace.

Oct 16, 2014
Re Anger..Thanks
by: Anonymous

Yes, It's been hell. I feel crazy, like it's a bad dream I can't wake up from. I had a hard enough time in the service and thought retirement would be a breeze. Boy, was I ever wrong. What really gets me is I'm 100% disabled. Lung issues, but that's not what was spread around about me. Apparently I'm a sexually promiscuous alcoholic who was drummed out of the military because of it. Somehow I think it feels worse than if I were a man. I'm sure there are more stories about it stemming from her mouth, but I've ceased contact. The more I hear, the angrier I get. I'd rather feel sad than angry. That's a hellish choice. My children also get quiet when I speak to them about it. I've warned them of what was said. I think they have a hard time understanding it, because all family functions have been pleasant. I can't really blame them....I do too. Thankfully, they have not been party to the "behind the scenes" action, but it's coming. My days are probably limited, and I know the "n" is waiting for my death to really get going on them. She actually said "well, most retirees from the military only live another 10 years". My response was "Well, only 9 years to go then" and walked away. It pains me greatly I didn't see this sooner and I may leave my children unprepared for the full impact of her abuse. And my Grandchildren.....OMG...What will they hear about their Grandmother? I shudder to think. I can't accept there's nothing I can do about that. It's a rock I can't swallow. There's got to be something.... Well, I don't want to get morose. Too early for it. It'll ruin the day. Just wanted to say thanks for the responses. It helps.

Oct 16, 2014
Tell your own story
by: Anonymous

Why dont u write ur own autobiography? Write down your life in a book. Get copies made and when u die each grandkid gets a copy. Then when ur sister blabs lies bout you, they can read ur side of the story too. Dont be mean about ur sister in ur book That would make them not believe u as much and would just make ur story ugly. Jst tell strait facts. Bet ur life in military would be interesting for ur grandkids to read.

Oct 18, 2014
Angry
by: Anonymous

You should write letters to your future Grandchildren. And letters to your children. The problem is that if it took us this long to see it. They don't see it yet either. I find if u show anger. It makes them doubt. If I tell my children also ethi g happens. They sometimes see it a little bit. But they aren't the ones attacked. Only the scapegoat. My sister is up to no good right now. Not really sure what's up. But I'm sure it won't be long before I find out. She to,d me yesterday that I purposly leave her out of her having relationships with other people by them liking me better than her. Yeah. Okayyyyyy!! They are crazy.

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