Narcissistic Sister

by Michelle
(Michigan)

I am in therapy to help me deal with anxiety/panic attacks and we are uncovering what a huge impact growing up with a narcisstic sister has had on my life.

I am trying to re-wire my brain so I can break free from the patterns that have been established between me and my sister since childhood. We are only 18 months apart and I am the older sister. We had to share a room through high school and I have been conditioned to respond in certain ways to protect myself. In other words, I was not given the opportunity at an early age to develop my own identity that was not chained the the "blamer." As an adult, I think that I may have assigned "the blamer" title unfairly to my husband and transfered my feelings toward my sister onto him. Wow -- I need to do alot of work!

This e-book is the most helpful piece of literature I have read that pertains to my situation. I am in the process of creating distance between us so I can work on rebuilding the way I look at myself in the world, separate from this ill person. It won't be easy as she is the master manipulator but I am continuing therapy and surrounding myself with positive, supportive people. Thank you so much.

Comments for Narcissistic Sister

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Apr 07, 2011
same situation
by: Anonymous

I am the younger sister of 18 months apart. My sister has stolden my identity all my life. I am forty now and finally realized it. It is awful.

Apr 22, 2012
Adding to the many
by: Anonymous

My sister has huge issues, and has driven me away so much that it never will be fixed. Not only is she a complete narcissist, but is religious as well. And over the top religious at that. When we little (I am 7 years older), she would tell my mother lies about me, so I would get disciplined, this helped keep my mother and my relationship full of tension and suspicion. When my daughter was born, I stressed heavily to her that she was not to ear bash my child about religion, I wanted that to be a personal decision..of course she would take her into a room telling her that she must be religious etc. I am still cranky about that and my daughter is nearly 20. (she thinks her aunty is a space cadet, so shes pushed her away too). She has alienated almost every member of her immediate family and extended family too. Aggressive and knows everything, never wrong, and as I stay away, I answered the phone at my parents place the other night and never recognised her voice. I avoid almost every social family gathering, as she may be there. Even thought my mother knows, she still makes excuses for her, but my dad knows, which is great. But it is still my fault, and everybody elses fault, never hers

Apr 24, 2012
same situation
by: DD

I am 16 months older than my narcissist sister. I too believe that my sister has stolen my identity all my life. It has taken me five decades to realize what was going on. I always thought that somehow I was responsible for how awful she treated me. Took me a lifetime to uncover the truth. So hurt.

Jun 17, 2012
nacissistic older sister
by: Anonymous

I never really got to know my eldest sister of 10 years until I joined the same religion as her (20 years ago). She preached to me and I believed it to be the truth and still do. At the time, she was going through a divorce and because changing my religion was controversial in my parents' house, I moved out and moved in w/her. That's when my nightmare began. It was her way or the highway all the time and I felt so trapped because if I left, I had no where to go. I was 20 & inexperienced (which she knew). She was demeaning all the time and threw me under the bus constantly to our friends. She became someone who a lot of people truly admired (and still do) but if you know her like I know her, she is highly abusive and aggressive to me. She can be nice, don't get me wrong, but it lasts for a short period of time. Ultimately, if I don't do things her way when she wants something of me, she will always get back at me and if I don't see it coming, it will eventually. We had a major blowout (over my parents' finances) few years ago and she wants control and to know every thing that happens. I told her to talk to them (as they're competent and still in control of their finances) but she blew up at me and has been angry at me ever since (that was 7 years ago). She even went so far as to slander me to our very close friends to get me uninvited to a gathering and it worked. She succeeded and turned some friends against me. Since then, we don't speak much unless necessary. I don't go out of my way unless she's visiting (she since has married and lives across the country). I feel better about myself, but the aura of her still lingers in me because I know it's never really over. I feel paranoid thinking something from her is coming down the pipeline. It sucks because she's supposed to be a Christian but acts like a bully in the schoolyard behind closed doors. I guess my father was that way too so I see where she gets it from but she's been through therapy and preaches the good news to others and still behaves like a bully to me. :(

Mar 20, 2013
thief
by: Anonymous

I am in the process of exposing my n sister for stealing my inheritance from my father. It took me 20 years to figure out she did this.All the while bad mouthing me to anyone who came within ear shot of her.A preemptive strike so that if i ever did expose her dirty secret it would look like i was just "jealous" of her. If she could convince everyone i was unstable, who would believe me anyways? It's devastating to discover your own family seeks to destroy you. It hurts and that's normal. You can not reason with the unreasonable.She is a parasite that feeds off the misery she inflicts on others.Two years ago i severed my relationship with her and have pulled my children out of her path of destruction.You can believe they were next on her list of people to lie to about me. Education is my best protection from her. "Living" my life is my ultimate revenge.Despite her best efforts, it looks like little "never" sailed.

Apr 17, 2013
Oxygen :)
by: Anonymous

I'm noticing here and in the comments on other sites, how common it seems to be that victims of narcissists often suffer in utter hell for years...often decades...before they finally get a handle on what's really going on. The same is true for me, having spent my entire adult life searching for clues, examining our family dynamic, retreating whenever possible in an attempt to stay sane,constantly being torn between the feeling that I can't give up on my family and yet I knew also that it was toxic, which resulted in an insatiable need "figure it out" in order to stay sane without completely abandoning my family. I have to wonder why it is that it took me (and apparently many others) so many years to identify the NPD. I have not spent a lot of time in therapy in my adult life....I did spend some time in therapy during my adolescence during which my sister's NPDwas not identified (maybe NPD wasn't well known in the 70's?) I was drowning in a narcissistic hell and was the one visibly "acting out". I knew nothing about NPD at the time, only that I needed someone to see the bigger picture and my sister was a "very effective" narcissist and had everyone under her control. I did spend a few visits in therapy in my 30's during which I described my sister's behavior, both past and then-present to this therapist...still knowing nothing of an actual disorder called NPD, and this therapist didn't mention NPD. It wasn't until years later when I was reading an article that I just happened upon ..about dealing with the narcissist in your life".. It was as if someone had turned on the oxygen after my having spent decades trying to breath through a small straw. I know this may sound strange to someone who hasn't been affected by a narcissist, but maybe quite clear to those who have. The description in that article...example by example...was exactly what I had described to my Therapist 10+ years previous...many of the exact same words I used...and the description of the affects...same thing....almost word for word. I don't know what kind of training therapists get, or if they should all even be "expected" to recognize the signs of NPD or if they're trained not to speak of their "supsicions" when they haven't had any one-on-one contact with the suspected narcissist....or what. All I know is that he could have saved me many years of scrambling to keep my sanity had he been able to suggest the possibility. Even if she can't be changed, at least I would have been able to move straight to the appropriate help for myself. However, I now feel very lucky that this information on NPD did eventually drop into my lap. I have now been able to work through so much and have gained untold amounts of stress relief as a result of understanding this disorder better and finding stategies on dealing with narcissists.

May 18, 2013
My sick O sister
by: Anonymous

Oh wow! I have a sick o Narcissistic sister, Cant stand the bitch.

May 27, 2013
Anxious
by: Anonymous

I wish I could comment but I am worried in case she sees it.

May 29, 2013
Response to "Anxious"
by: Anonymous

C'mon Anxious! Dish! It'll do ya good! ...and besides, if you don't give any names and you keep your annonymous identity, there shouldn't be anything to worry about. Also, you might try therapy for ideas on coping with the situation.

Jun 02, 2013
A long road
by: Anonymous

I have been having problems with both my mum and sister for decades. I believe now they are both inflicted with npd. My husband has identified their manipulations insecurities and emotional hold on me from the beginning . I just felt like something was wrong as I was flung around in a roll a coaster of emotions. They are Christian and family but why do I feel so torn. I leave their company feeling so down with an inferior husband, like somehow my life , my job, my family is insignificant. As I stepped back ( I would never step out of their lives altogether) there was the most vile outcry. I had abandoned my sister and her children apparently and it is still unforgiven. They take delight in things that go wrong for me do not reach out to me and accuse me of jealousy. It hurts as I have tried to please them for decades with kindness support gifts and service. For so long I have been so confused with our relationship , but the further away I get the more I see how trapped I was and look forward to a life of freedom although the guilt emotions and wondering what they think of me still haunts me. It's a long road but I am looking forward to finding myself and feeling truly free of their expectations and judgements. I thank God for my husband who has stood by and watched me drown in these relationships always lovingly warning me and rarely saying I told you so.

Sep 27, 2013
N brother
by: Christy

My younger brother is a blamer and an N. When he does vindictive things to me other people don't believe it because they don't understand why anyone would do that. He lies about me and they don't understand that he is lying because he seems so sincere. If they would look a little closer at his life they would see the cracks, but many people are just content to enjoy the charming facade.

He has tried to turn everyone against me and had no qualms about trying this with my husband even and my children. They are disgusted with him, but he turned a whole church against me and his young wife won't talk to us, especially me. I now realize how jealous and empty he is and recognize he was controlling my parents against me even when he was a boy! Get this, when my brother and I had our huge falling out over his bad behavior to me, my Dad kept blaming me and insisting that I 'fix' the relationship. I stood back and realized 'wow' why should my 30-something brother not be responsible for relationships? Yet I am responsible for his happiness? I said to hell with it and he never calls or responds while still blaming me for his problems. I'm sure he's making his wife's life hell, but it's not my problem and she thinks I hate her because he told her so.

We live in a small town and sometimes things happen that are unavoidable. My daughter lost a recent competition and we found out he was one of the judges. Nobody could understand at the time because it was so obvious that she should have won. Even the winner was confused. Stupid stuff like that. Punishing my daughter to get any dig at me. It's just one example of 100 things that happen when he has an opportunity to hurt me!

Sep 27, 2013
Unbelievably AMAZING site on Covert Abuse...
by: Anonymous

For all posters and/or victims of NPD...especially the "covert" type of NPD....The following site has been a God-send for me and I highly recommend checking it out. A good place to start would be any of the links under "Recent Posts" Here is the web address: http://covertabuse.com/ Blessings!

Jan 24, 2014
I cut them all loose
by: Anonymous

Since I was a small child, my eldest sister has manipulated me and our other sister. Without going into detail, all. I can say is that after finding this site and reading it, I now know why I feel so at peace because I ended my relationships with both of them. They have done a number on me and I still worry it's my fault. But the funny thing is, I have wonderful relationships with my friends, my husband, my children and my husbands family as well as my co-workers. This has been going on for over 60 years.

Mar 18, 2014
Agree with Oxegen :)
by: Anonymous

I can relate to the comment below from "Oxegen :)". I agree that many therapists I went to knew nothing about NPD. I stumbled upon it myself at the library and it helped me tremendously to understand NPD. I now have empathy for my sister instead of feeling hate. Thank you for your comments. I am not alone.

Mar 31, 2014
Horrible sister
by: Anonymous

Wow reading these posts makes me realize what I grew up with - a monster that destroyed our family . So good to read these posts as its helps with the healing and its time for us all to move on and enjoy our lives which at the end of the day is the best revenge !

Apr 04, 2014
empathy...
by: Anonymous

My experience was more mind-twisting than anything I could possibly describe to anyone who hasn't been there....But at the same time I have a problem with labeling my sister a "monster". Even though the result of her behavior has been beyond monstrous, I tend to believe that she did/doesn't have control over it and I'm still feeling that a little empathy is appropriate...from a safe distance of course...After all, once we understand how we've been duped and manipulated we can make different choices in our own responses, strengthen our boundaries, etc. in order to protect ourselves. I realize that there are probably some situations and/or families where this might not be possible, but I've found that the more I learn about the condition, the less hate and more empathy I feel...which ultimately is more healing for me than thoughts of revenge.

Apr 06, 2014
And the fog has cleared
by: Anonymous

Hi everyone.

I suffer from PTSD because of living with a N sister for slightly over a year. I could never understand how she could have done all that she did to me and my family. I have been trying to make excuses to lessen the pain, but that hasn't worked. She has manipulated my parents and has them wrapped around her little finger from the time we were children. They are always bailing her out of one situation after another because she's the Golden Child. However, that has only served to enable her Narcissistic personality even more. I have not had any contact with her since 2010, but I always feel paranoid that she's going to do something else but I don't know what. I also live with a great sense of shame because I feel as though I should have seen through it. Consciously I know that it's not my fault, but I can't help feeling the way I do. Just typing out this post is setting off my anxiety. I am really grateful to know that it really wasn't my problem but hers (and my N mum too).

Jun 26, 2014
You All Sound Like Beautiful People!
by: Anonymous

I always wondered why I wasn't filled with hatred for my Narcissistic mother and older sister. But just like you all here, we came out on top, we were better off than our narcissistic family members. Because we didn't get any of that narcissistic power! So we developed empathy and love for them, we wanted them to love us so much! When they didn't, and when they continued abusing us instead, we developed a lot of problems like fear, anxiety, self-blame, feelings of guilt, longing for a normal, loving family and never getting it. Those are all very normal feelings to have under all that stress and abuse that we suffered. So we are normal, they are not. We came off the winners after all. Yet, it still leaves us with the hole in our heart/soul that always wishes that it could be different. That will never go away completely. So we hope, against all odds that it will ever come about. I wish I could sit down with all of us together and just get to know one another, but of course it can't be. But I see my life in every single story here. That in itself is so comforting, to not be alone like I was for decades! I am 75 years old and have given up on my
narcissistic sister who is 11 months older than me . She stopped all association with me after our mother died 6 yrs ago. It hurt, but I am better for it. I now have peace and know that I tried very hard all of my life to get along with her, and she ruined it over and over again. So now, I just find myself hoping she will stay away. Every sibling has left her now, moved far away except me, and she can't allow herself to be associated with me because I won't let her manipulate me anymore, and that's inexcusable in her eyes, so she is done with me. Now she only manipulates her own children. I care about her, but my love has gone to a place where it can do the most good, toward my own husband, kids, gr. kids, and great gr. kids and my loyal, loving friends who all know about my life as the Family Scapegoat. They know that when my sister completely cut off ties with me, I never looked back, never responded to the silence, never missed the sick relationship. I can have empathy for her, but from a distance, not speaking and seeing her. I need my peace more than I need to try to have a normal relationship with a person who never appreciated me, and found fault with me instead of accepting my loving efforts toward her and all of our siblings. Our mother created this situation, and I leave it to my Creator, my Loving Heavenly Father to work it out in the future. I'm ok, you are all ok, we are survivors.

Jul 06, 2014
Wow
by: Relieved

I don't feel crazy anymore. I almost destroyed myself. Came real close by drinking a lot. Nothing will make me go back to a life around a N, and I don't care who it is anymore. 50 years of this abuse and an entire family (sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews etc)all under the N's spell. Well, I might be lonely....but I'm never alone...right?

Jul 14, 2014
Narcissists destroy trust in the entire Family
by: Anonymous

No, you are not alone, my n. sister and mother also over time turned the entire family of aunts and uncles, cousins, etc, away from me. But I never had a close relationship with them anyway, because of the neg. work that was always being done behind my back by them. Sadly, N.'s think it's necessary to be #1 in everyone's eyes. The only way they can do that is to undermine, criticize, slander anyone who they feel is a threat to their ''popularity.'' So they go after the very one they feel threatened the most over, the scapegoat. Why we were chosen as the scapegoat is because we were not bad people, we were easy to put blame on, we were the more quiet ones, the ones who had love for everyone in the family, the helpers. We wouldn't start fights, cause trouble. Because we knew early on that we would not be defended by anyone. But we were blamed anyway. I'm not saying we didn't fight, my sister and I fought all the time because of her hatefulness toward me, but our mother sided with her 100 % of the time. The scapegoaters don't like it that someone is acting better than them. I have read that they are jealous over our tendency to have good qualities. Because being beaten down does cause a humbling of the spirit, the mistreatment does cause us to develop empathy for others who suffer. Even after years pass, many of us develop empathy for the abusers, which they know they don't have for us! We come to see how they turn out, how they are locked in a no emotional growth life. We can see that after decades passing, they never change their cruel ways. It's not that we were/are perfect, but ever single imperfection that we have is magnified 1000 x's bigger than it really is. And their imperfections are minimized 1000 x's smaller than they are.
Every single sibling I have (5) has come to me alone and told me they saw it all and that it affected how they feel about the abusers. They finally moved far away from the N.
Drinking doesn't work, don't beat your own self up by thinking it will help for a while, it never does. I tried that too. LOL. I came to see that in certain ways, eating too much chocolate for instance, and alcohol, I was abusing my own self, doing their dirty work for them!! I was taught self-hate. I had to let those thoughts go, learn to love myself, and develop healthy ways to treat my body. I hope that you do the best for yourself that you can do, be close to the few that you can trust, (yes, we have trust issues - for good reason!) and have the best life that you can possibly have, and keep in close contact with and trust that our Father in heaven sees and is helping us every single day! He saw it all, and he cares about us. May He bless you!

Jul 17, 2014
Thanks
by: Relieved

Well Anon, reading your last was like reviewing the last 49 years of my life, right down the relationship you have with the rest of your family. Hmmm. Almost makes me worry that I "blacked out" and wrote it, save one detail. It's my father and sister. If the rest see it, they don't speak of it. Doesn't stop them from coming out of the woodwork to tell me about everything she's said. My father too. Some of it's shocking. I know I made an unwise conscious choice somewhere down along the line and said, "well if I'm going to blamed for it, I might as well...."
I still feel a bit surreal about it. I can't imagine being that focused on debasing another human being. Like a "nobody is that terrible" thought. It's got me worried about my sanity a little. Let's face it, the only ones that agree are the ones that don't like the N. I feel better though. Now that I know why, I can address other issues with some logic reasoning, change the way I see things and my responses without loading up on excuses. Bad things happen to good people all the time. How we deal with it determines our success.... Think I'm going to put that on my mirror today.

Jul 19, 2014
UPDATE - Unbelievably AMAZING site on Covert Abuse
by: Anonymous

Updated web address for:
Unbelievably AMAZING site on Covert Abuse (posted above on Sep 27, 2013)
The web address posted above (in Sept) has now changed. Still highly recommended. This link will bring you to the “smokescreens” page, which I just felt would be a good place to start (for it’s validating effect)….but there is more! Check it ALL out!

Here' the new link:

http://demianyumei.com/category/covert-abuse/smokescreens/

Jul 19, 2014
Siblings who do not defend
by: Anonymous

My siblings only came to me one at a time over the years once or twice to tell me that they saw the abuse and were affected adversely because of having witnessed it. Not often at all. They all stayed with the n. sister. Then one by one, they moved to other States in the USA. I one in a while hear from one and nothing from the others and I count that as a blessing now. And like you, they used to tell me all the ''dirt'' about our n. sister every chance they got. But it was so unhealthy, because they only do that if they are mad at her at the time. When they aren't, I do not hear a thing from them or about the n. sister. Now, I go on with my life and do my healing one day at a time w/o them. Because this is not what I or anyone would call a 'family'. it's a circus, and I am always part of the ''freak show''. haha I find it hilarious now, I truly do!!!!! Because it should be called "The Only One Who Calls It Like It Truly Is, a Sick Family" show.
I did the same thing as you, I also did wrong things when I was younger. Don't fault yourself, it's a normal reaction to abuse. They used to call me crazy all the time so I would find myself acting crazy when they would attack me. Also other things that I did wrong in my own private life, and had to recover from and change my ways. Baggage always comes from those kinds of things that we do, thinking it's getting back at them when really, it's hurting only ourselves and they're rejoicing over our pain. When I found out years ago that they were not going to be there for me even if i was in such dire straits that I could die, I began to change, to care more about how I treat myself, since I could plainly see that not even my dying would melt their cold, cold hearts. I had to get well on my own, and then stop all the foolishness of abusing myself by making bad choices. And I have done that. I am now healthier physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I thank my Creator for all the help that He has given me and is giving me each day. Do not beat yourself up over past mistakes. Do good toDAY. God Bless you.

Jul 20, 2014
worrying about our sanity
by: Anonymous

I clearly see how much it affects us, by the way, to be treated like we don't matter. It causes us to doubt ourselves so much that we begin to believe as young children that ''they must know what they're talking about, they both (or all) say I am weird, stupid, trouble maker, not co-operating, lazy, selfish, crazy, etc, etc, etc. So maybe I am."
No, we have been duped. And it takes time to see it clearly. Everyone is dumb sometimes, lazy sometimes, weird or stupid sometimes. But we were told we were those things all the time, no matter what we were doing, right or wrong. We really were brainwashed into believing the lies. We were bullied.
You sound like you want to take responsibility for your own choices. That's healthy. But while you're doing that, don't buy into all the negative talk of the bullies. See your good, and change what needs to be changed. And give yourself credit for seeing both the good and the bad about yourself. Because narcissists don't do that. They can't. They have too much to lose. We don't have anything to lose, we already lost everything. Now we just need to lose the neg. feelings about ourselves that we've been told we should believe. It's hard at first, but it gets easier over time. After decades, it became so obvious to me that a loving family would never treat one of their own like this. That was what helped me the most to see that nothing I did caused it and so nothing I would ever do would heal my family. So I chose to heal the only person I could, myself. That's when I really began to grow into a healthier person and let go of my fears that maybe I was as bad as they say. I know better now. I still love them and still wish I had a normal family. But wishing won't get it. So I am happy with whatever good and whatever peace I find in my life and it's enough.

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