I found out my father isnt actually my father
I also found out that my dad is not my real dad. I feel like no body gets it. My situation is slighty different tho, My "dad" and mam split up when I was about 10 I think. At first my "dad" was okay but then when I got a bit old 13 or 14 he stopped seeing me as much. It was really upsetting for me. For years it went through phases of my "dad" ignoring me. I desperatly wanted him to spend more time with me. When I was 19 my mam figured that if she told me the truth about my real dad that it would make me feel better. She told me that this man who has always been nice to me all my life but who is married is actually my real father. This made things worse. I know about a year and a half now and my head is still whirling I can't seem to stop thinking. I am nearly 21. I still see my "dad" when he feels like it. He will always be my "dad". But I would love to get to know my real father better, I mean I know him, he has always been there as mams friend who was always extra nice to me but I want to get to know him as my dad. Unfortunately I can not tell anyone about this because to many people would get hurt. I also chicken out every time i want to talk to him and say "hey your my dad". I was kind of angry at him at the start but I realise its not his fault now as he only found out he was my father when I was 16. The most annoying thing about all this is that my mother will not talk about it anymore she just told me. I have been struggling with things like concentration and motivation recently and I think im going through a bit of a "fuck life" and mam has noticed and when she asked whats wrong, i told her my head is messed up a bit over the whole situation she told me to GET OVER IT. she said it out of anger and we were having a heated arguement but nothing has ever made me so angry. I felt like telling everybody about "mams dirty little secret" but I didnt because I know I would only regret it too much. I was feeling a bit stuck in life in general. I messed up last semester in college, and I don't even care. I feel like I wont be able to concentrate on college work untill I sort a plan of action to deal with this situation. I know what I want now and it is to try and create some better and less indirect relationship with my real father. I just need to contact him and make it happen. I feel like once I do that it will be a start to fixing things in life. I am hoping that it will help me get my focus back on college work as I love my course. wow I just had like the longest rant ever :) may not even post this ... it was nice to get it out tho.. to be honest I just wanted to post my storey somewhere make it feel like less of a big secret that I have to keep. I would love to tell the whole world who my father is because he is such a nice man who I have tonnnes of respect for. any way thanks for listening and anybody in the same situation feel free to leave me with some advice :)
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