I disagree

by Maria
(England)

Ive just finished reading your book, Blamers and I totally disagree, why should we tolerate people like this, why should we pander to their egos, by agreeing with them or allowing them to lie about us, thats totally wrong, theyre abusers, and for as long as we allow them to get away with being how they are theyll continue to do it, they should be made to be accountable for the despicable acts of cruelty they commit, Its all very well saying distance ourselves from them but many cannot do that, abusers blamers whatever you want to call them are Control Freaks and its not easy to get away from them let alone put into action most of whats suggested in your book.

This world is becoming more negative by the minute and if people are being told to accept things that are dished out to them by these Negatives then the worlds going to end up even more negative, youre as good as giving the blamers of this world the right to continue doing what they do. When in reality they should be made to face up to themselves and be responsible like the rest of us do. Im sorry but I found your book to be very misleading, example ignore the put downs, !! What that is as good as saying is, let yourself be walked all over, why ?? just so these animals can keep on doing as they please we are all equal, we shouldnt have to ignore put downs, theyre insults and insults are just wrong.

As for the part about lies being told about you, keep quiet the truth will eventually come out, !! when ?? Ive never known it to, and these people always have supporters they strip their victims of their friends and family leaving them at their mercy.

Ive been on the receiving end of abusers, and they dont change, and if you try to ignore them they merely taunt you more and more and dont let up.

Comments for I disagree

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Mar 17, 2015
 anti-blamer
by: Anonymous

If you're the blamer and you want to change, then stop doing it. That's really the only cure available to you. It's actually the same way that the blamer victim is curing the situation: by changing the way they react. So you have an impulse to blame, why not react differently? Forget blaming others and work to make yourself better. You might even become happier, and you won't even need to blame people anymore.

If you're the victim, sometimes tough love is the best antidote. I wouldn't recommend this reaction to be used on all blamers, as some are obviously more fragile than others. Try taking a pretentious stance. In other words, react to them as if you were getting angry at them for blaming you. Then in the middle, stop, and say something like "did you really think I'd fall for your stupid tricks forever?" in a totally calm way. Then grin. They will keep their game going. Now it is a game of who outlasts the other. Usually the blamer will stop, because his actions are hurting him more than yours are hurting you.

Be the better person. Be smug. React with the same words (you're an asshole, etc) but without the emotional charge. Just do it matter-of-factly instead of getting angry. You'll see. It works wonders.

Of course this could really damage some blamers if they aren't ready to change. So please use discretion when taking this advice.
Apr 24, 2012
 My husband blames me
by: Anonymous

My husband always thinks I am cheating on him and not doing the things I say I am doing. I went to the gym and my older sons the other day and he accused me of not going there even though when I was there he talked to my son on the phone. At tje gym I have to log on to there system and I told him to call them. He calls me a million times a day. I cant work a regular job or I would lose my job like the last one I had because of him. He called and came to my work way too much just to check on me. Because of your article I know what I am dealing with.
I am going to figure a way to start a normal life again. I cant handle the emotional abuse anymore.
Mar 16, 2010
 What if?
by: Anonymous

What if you just realized you've the "Blamer" type of personality. What shall you do if you want to chamge being that negative, and honestly want to step out of this mentality.

It seems that everybody is blaming the "Blamer" now. The main focus is to how to deal with him. I havent seen any comments or material that would help this person to get out of it and be more positive.

Is there a cure out there?
Aug 12, 2009
 children
by: Anonymous

What if the blamer is your own child? How can you change this personality? Is there hope for a child whose perspective is off?
May 25, 2009
 continued from previous post
by: Catherine

{continued}

You're not really ignoring the put-downs. You're changing how you react to them. There's a difference.

Anyway, I really do appreciate your comments. Thank You. I can very much relate to what you're saying but I did want to make sure that it also makes sense the concept I'm trying to make. You do have the power to make a difference.

If you like, please email me and I'd be glad to work through a specific situation with you. I'd be very glad to help you in any way I can.
May 25, 2009
 I understand what you're saying
by: Catherine

Hi Maria,

Thanks for your note. Always good to hear feedback like this. I completely understand what you're saying and why you feel so angry.

I think you may have misunderstood what I was trying to present though. Blamers look for very specific people to make as their victims. They're looking for those people that they can control, manipulate, and hurt. And, as long as you react exactly how they want you to, you'll always be involved in this horrible game with them.

So for example, if they put you down and then for the next hour you end up defending yourself, you have played exactly in their hands. They want you to get upset, they want you to feel hurt, they want you to focus on defending yourself (usually to take the attention off their wrongdoing) and they want to feel like they have power over you. They also want you to look bad by having to defend yourself. They've put you on the defensive, you're angry, you're hurt, and in their eyes, they've won. You're stewing for days over their comments and they don't feel a thing. They most likely know the comments aren't even true. They just wanted to get a specific reaction out of you.

They're usually very intelligent people so you'll have a difficult time winning a war of words with them as well. They're so very good at twisting everything you say. But, there are other effective ways of dealing with them.

In the workplace, you'll have to document everything and always watch your back, but you don't ever want to get dragged into the mud with them by defending yourself against their comments. That's exactly what they want.

What you need to do is change the relationship by changing yourself first. You no longer are seen as a victim to them. You no longer react they way they expect you to. You no longer fall for their tricks.

You have to change the rules of the game. You have to come across as that person who they can't manipulate anymore.

You do that by understanding why they're making the comments. What are they trying to achieve (deflect attention off them, upset you, make themselves look better, eliminate you as a threat, etc.) and then you choose your reaction. You can't just respond with anger towards them. That's what they want. You can't let them get you involved in their drama.

You also have to understand how they think and that it's very different than the average person and that you have to use different tactics with them.

You're definitely not letting them walk all over you. You're in fact doing the exact opposite. You're making it so they no longer choose you as a victim. You're changing the entire dynamic. But, you can only do that if you understand what's happening and that you do have a choice on how you respond to them.

(to be continued in next comment - ran out of space)

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