Husband in touch with ex girlfriend long distance

My husband of 16 years has stayed in touch with a "friend" from 20 plus years ago. We have two incredible sons and as a family have a great life. We travel and live in a beautiful home and have fun! Our marriage had been very difficult up to over two years ago when we thought it was over and but a good friend of my husband insisted that we go away together which we did and basically renewed our marriage. (of course there's more to the story but it truly has been great). Things have been great since with the exception of this "friend" that pops into my husband's life on occasion. She's married with children of her own. They had a relationship when he lived back East but never really a boyfriend/girlfriend; more like a "friend with benefit". He did cheat on his first wife (of less than a year)with this friend. He is still on good terms with his ex-wife with whom I have no problem with.

This FWB (friend with benefit) will text my husband things with strong sexual inuendos and he will respond. Sometimes they are not in touch for several months. It's almost always when he and I aren't very active in the sex arena when she seems to "show up". He has not been back east for a few years so I know he hasn't seen her.

He is planning a trip back east very soon (we are on the west coast) and he "accidently" left his computer browser open so I looked at his email. I found in his "sent" messages where they are planning to meet for breakfast the morning after he arrives. She has made plans to work locally near his hotel that day as well as not be in until the afternoon. I know that the rest of his short stay he is busy with other things.

My husband is very powerful in business and his ideas. I know that if I approach him with this information, he will make me the wrong one somehow.

I love him and I love my life. This has made me feel very sad and depressed. I am looking at my options: to speak with him about it where it could really blow up or to trust my husband that he won't follow through. His big thing is trust and telling the truth. I am very conflicted.

Comments for Husband in touch with ex girlfriend long distance

Click here to add your own comments

Oct 13, 2009
Relationships
by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

Hi,

Sorry to hear what you're going through. That is a tough position to be in. Very emotional and upsetting.

You could tell him what you've told me about how much you love him, your marriage, and your new and improved life together. How grateful you are that things are working out so well now and that you'll miss him while he's gone.

That's the truth, it's honest, and it's heartfelt, and you're not accusing him of anything. If he asks you if you're accusing him, just say that you don't want to lose him.

At least then you'll be staying positive and have something you can say. You don't have to admit you saw his emails or that you're afraid he'll cheat on you -- probably best to stay far away from anything like that. But I think it's powerful to share your heartfelt feelings with him. That would mean something to him and remind him how lucky he is to have you and your two boys.

Then, hopefully when he sees her again after all these years, he'll see that she's nothing compared to you.

I'm wishing you all the best.

Oct 13, 2009
Thank you Catherine
by: Anonymous

Hi Catherine,

I want to thank you so much for clearly "getting" my situation. It wasn't easy explaining a long history in a brief segment, but none the less...

I do totally believe in positive thoughts, affirming the good etc.. What you suggested has been one of my choices; the other being confrontation. In speaking with a very close girl friend as well as my sister who both are very aware of my journey, one says that she thinks that I should speak with him since she feels it's so sad that he has me in a place of such controlling, that I fear his reaction if I should confront him regardless of the fact that what he is doing is wrong.

I have this "negative fantasy" of printing the emails and writing one of his favorite sayings, "nothing worse than a liar" on them. I might get the satisfaction of being "right" but will this change his behavior?

The other thought is that he might elect to not act upon his "desires". Part of our trip away two years ago, I got a tatoo (small) that says "trust" in a Chinese character. Completely my idea. It signifies trust in: God, myself and my husband. An interesting "trinity" of sorts. He has always asked me to trust him.

Oddly enough last night's Dr Phil (something I usually don't watch) was about cheating husbands. One of the "other women" said, "a good way to keep a man monogomous is to act like a mistress: more intimacy, go on dates, stay fit, take care of myself, talk (and listen)". I do know that my husband LOVES smart communication. I also know that when we are not intimate for a while, that is when he tends to contact her. There are months that go by without any contact between them.

I so appreciate your response.

Oct 13, 2009
Relationships
by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

Hi,

I hear what you're saying that you want him to know that you do know what's going on and also that you want to be right. But, as you said, would it change his behavior? I actually don't think so. I think it might actually make the situation much worse.

First, I think it would instantly put him on the defensive. To deal with that feeling plus possibly feeling guilty, he would probably become angry at you. Then, maybe try to blame you for the whole thing. (Not that you're to blame at all, just that he might do that as a way to deal with all the emotions). Maybe say this all happened because you don't trust him or because you snooped in his email. Whatever. It doesn't matter, he'll go away angry at you, you'll also be angry at him, and then when he sees her, he'll be feeling like she understands him and you don't. A bad situation.

So, in that situation, being right doesn't get you what you really want, a strong marriage.

That's why I was thinking it would be better for him to go away knowing how good things are between you and that it's something precious that isn't worth risking. What he has at home with you is far better than this occasional email girl.

Actually, that Dr. Phil's advice sounds good. Keep working on making your relationship better and better, stronger and stronger. That way, women like this one don't stand a chance.

It's actually a good sign that long periods of time go by when they don't talk.

I'm thinking positive thoughts for you that after this trip, he'll make the decision to ditch her forever. She's nothing compared to you.


Oct 14, 2009
FOLLOW UP ON HUSBAND
by: Anonymous

Dear Christine,

I wish I had read your response before I spoke with him yesterday. He acted exactly as you predicted. I was so conflicted as to whether to look away and support him lovingly (as I have been for the past two plus years) or "stand up for myself" since I felt that I was lying as badly as he since I knew the facts and wasn't saying anything. His being home sick yesterday gave me an "opportunity" to chat with him. It was not an attack but really a question: Are you going to see xxx when you go back east? His response was yes, I'm going to see all of my friends. (he was already angry at this question of course). Then I asked what he was planning to do with xxx, he said he didn't know yet.

I then told him that I was uncomfortable with his "friendship" with her and he said he didn't care. He then went on to say that he knew this was coming and how I can't tell him who he can or can't be friends with. I then said how I felt that a true friend would support his being married and she clearly doesn't. He just went on getting more and more angry.

He is now not talking to me. I just have to ride this wave out. I sent him an email saying that I will never bring her up again and that I'm sorry that I did. His respnonse was that he didn't want my apologies and that he is disgusted.

He is guilty of inappropriate behavior and he has now turned it around to be angry at me.

Christine, you seem to have a good idea of this situation and good advise (unfortunately unheeded). Any suggestions at this point? Do I just "ride this out" and let things cool down? Eventually they will and anything I say now will go on deaf ears.

Thanks very much. Your comments and attitude are a blessing to me.

Oct 19, 2009
Relationships
by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

Ugh! I hate it when you've done nothing wrong and it gets completely turned around so it feels like it's your fault. I was afraid he might react that way. Sorry that happened to you.

There's probably nothing else you can do with this particular situation. Anything else you try to do will just make it worse. Move past it. Focus again on making your relationship stronger. You apologized and that's the best you can do.

Try not to ever criticize or judge his friends or his family or he'll instantly try to defend them. You'd told him that she wasn't being a good friend so he instantly wanted to defend her. Not worth judging them or criticizing them because that just ends up being turned against you. Let him figure that out himself.

Anyway, just move on. Focus on the big goal of improving communication and making your relationship stronger.

Big hug.




Apr 09, 2010
He's acting GUILTY
by: Anonymous

A husband should understand and support his WIFE. If an "ex" or "friend with benefits" is creating stress and arguments, they are not a shared friend to the marriage.

Turn the tables on him. If you had an ex interested in you, willing to do whatever, sending you innuendos, or just there with the vibes, how would he feel? And what respect for him would it show it you got angry every time he expressed he was uncomfortable?

If someone gets angry like that, they are withholding something. and it's wrong. Don't let him intimidate you. he needs to take a course to help him respect and understand that his wife is his best friend, and anyone who is against his wife is really against him.

Aug 02, 2010
solution
by: Anonymous

I think in your situation I would get my own lover...

Mar 24, 2011
insecurities about ex girl friend
by: Anonymous

Hi,

I am also in same situation. Confronted my husband when I found he is recently got in touch with his ex. I saw his conversation , where I could feel how comfortable he was with her and communicate things that he never did with me. When I asked why did not he tell me , he said I would have not taken it in right way.I had to apologize for thinking that way. Meanwhile she is very attractive and way more smart than I am. He had even called her , she lives in different country and talked to her. he does not know that i have seen her contact in his phone's special contact list. She pings her. He had dated her during college and we got married after 5 years of their break up.
I have been married to him for 10 years and we have one daughter and we are expecting second child. I feel so hurt that I could never make that special place in his life after 10 years that she could make.I am very furious, thought he would apologize when I confronted but he was mad and blamed me for my narrow minded thinking.

After couple of days I asked him to stay away from her and he agreed. I am not sure if he did that or not. Should I ask him again about this.
I am confused.

Thanks

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Confidence With Relationships Discussion.