angry all the time

by Kathleen

I don't understand angry. My husband is always angry. He is angry at me for everything. My kids notice it.

He is sweet and bending backwards for his ex and the kids. They can do no wrong yet he will turn their issues and blame me, be angry at me.

He blows up no matter how you approach him. As my son said to me, if you didn't stand up to him he would just get worse.

I don't fight with him. I just tell him how I see it and let him do his thing but I'm getting really fed up with his issues. I understand it's his problem yet I'm getting the end result. Even when I walk away he doesn't get it.

What is wrong that he is angry? Why doesn't he deal with the problems with other people instead of turning on me?

Comments for angry all the time

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Dec 16, 2008
Blamers
by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

Hi Kathleen,

From your description, it sounds like you're dealing with a blamer. He may be using his anger and the blaming as a way to control and manipulate you.

Did you get a chance to read this article I wrote about blamers?
Always My Fault, Always To Blame

You can also download this short report I wrote about them here:
Dealing With Blamers

It might help you to understand what you're dealing with. Once you understand this personality type, it makes such a dramatic difference. It changes your whole perspective.

I'd be glad to help in any way I can so let me know if the above does describe what you're dealing with. Then, you have a place to start as to how to move forwards with this issue. If it doesn't describe him, that's okay because that would help too in at least you're still closer to figuring out what's really going on. But, he really does sound like a blamer from what you describe.

Catherine

Dec 20, 2008
REPLY
by: Anonymous

Thank you, I have read the article you recommended. He is like that in some ways.

Dec 22, 2008
blamers
by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

Hi,

Was there a certain event that happened or a point in time when things suddenly changed that you can remember? He must have been nice to you at one point or you wouldn't have got married.

Does he hold grudges? Is it possible that he's still angry at you over one certain thing and hasn't been able to move past it?

Have you ever been able to talk about it at all?

The issue could also be something like he has certain beliefs in his mind as to what your roles in the relationship are and you're not doing what he thinks you "should" be doing. Do you know what his beliefs are in this area?

Just wondering if the situation is really more along those lines.

Catherine

Dec 23, 2008
not sure but this is when it happen
by: Anonymous

He got this way when he moved back to his home town. His family and kids, blame me for us moving when it was his job. His kids decided they didn't want me around because I handle all the money, that was our agreement. I put a stop to things. His kids have a lice problem and flea problem, it got so out of hand he knew they couldn't come to the house because I would get them and the house. This made him angry, the kids bad mouth me and made up stories when we had them, their mother lost them because of the living style she had. then they never saw her until we had to leave out of state and she found out how much child support she could get and went to court to get them back.

He also turned 50. He inform me he didn't like the way I handle things, yet it got him him out of debt, got him a good job, and cleaned up his kids and not put them in foster care home. It was like all we did as a team was my fault.

So to be honest, I would like to blame the back stabbing but I feel its not fair its him in seeing what he should

Dec 24, 2008
not feeling appreciated
by: Catherine

Hi,

Would it be fair to say that you're feeling really hurt and angry that all your hard work and sacrifices aren't appreciated? That you feel like you did all these things to help him and his children and none of it is appreciated? That they should appreciate you.

That is very hurtful and I could see why you'd feel really angry about that.

It gets to be a bad situation though when you're angry because you feel like you're not being appreciated, he's angry for whatever reason plus he's reacting to your anger. So, you never get to move forward. You both just get stuck further and further in feeling angry, frustrated, and hurt.

One way to let go of some of the hurt is to ask yourself why does it bother you so much that they don't appreciate all your hard work? On the surface, the answer might be because "they should" and "that's only right" but dig further. Why does it really bother you?

It's your reaction that you need to figure out. That's the most important thing. Exploring this may reveal a lot of things to you.

I'm not saying it's right that they're not appreciating all that you did, but it's important to figure out why it hurts you so much.

Once you truly figure that out, your anger will disappear and you'll then be able to think about what you really want to do in this situation. How do you want to move forwards with it? What do you want to achieve in this situation (eg. maybe a loving relationship again). Once you've let some of the anger go then you can start thinking about solutions to how to move forwards to what you really want. Waiting for them to appreciate you only keeps you stuck feeling hurt. This way you'd be taking action and moving past this.

Hope this makes sense. It's hard to do a good explanation in just a few sentences.

Dec 24, 2008
REPLY
by: Anonymous

I'm not angry, at them not appreciating what I or my husband did for them. I knew they won't because of the attitude they had and the attitude that was taught to them. I did it because it was needed to be done so my husband could say he did the best he could for his kids, and he love them in his way. For that reason I did what I could.

I don't understand his anger at me, and his turning things around because they decide to do whatever. I thought he was smart enough to see thru their games and accept and we carry on as we should as responsible parents and go on in our life as a couple.

He has the anger. I just want to understand his anger. But I have come to the decision I won't ever will. It's his issues he has to work them out. He has to look at what is important to him. and let go of the past. You ask where I thought the problem was I told you and explain it how it came about.

I just feel his anger is misplaced. If he wants to be angry he needs to be angry at himself. Not blaming others.

Jan 04, 2009
My angry husband
by: Anonymous

My husband is an extremely angry person. He constantly shouts and swears mainly at the kids but also at me. Anything and everything sets him off. His verbal abuse to my eldest son is appauling, my son has closed down from the family and is quite unhelpful and morose (I can't blame him) my husband constantly blames him for his anger - it's never my husband's fault. How can I make my husband a happier person?

Jan 10, 2009
reply
by: Anonymous

I don't think you can stop him, he has to want too. I am learning this thru my own experience. Its their insercuries that is causing them to be that way. Bullies is what we used to call them. I think that is still a good word for it.

To be honest i think your son has it right stay away from him and walk away as much as possible when this man acts this way. He feel threaten for some reason and its all in his mind not your son doing.
just a opinion here

Mar 08, 2009
Hubby always angry
by: Anonymous

Hi,
My husband can be in a really good mood and then the kids say something or he sees something and he just get so mad. He blames everything on me and then he says I am a stupid cu** and that he is leaving me and taking the children. He does this and I say "whatever" and then the next time we talk (due to him being at work) he acts like nothing ever happened. This happens maybe once or twice per week. We moved to save some money and he thought it was a great idea. Then if something is out of his control (like the driveway is not rocked and is mud) then he says that I made a poor choice and gets irritated. I tried to get him to see that it was not all me, he was in on the decision also. He never helps me around the house and just works and sleeps, so when something did not get done because kids will be kids, he gets mad and says I am a slob. I keep a clean house, but am getting really sick of it being just me cleaning and dealing with 3 young children. Any suggestions on if he has a mood disorder and should I have him see a doctor?

Apr 30, 2009
Mid life in my 30's
by: Anonymous

I hate my job. I feel angry and depressed all the time. I bring home my angrier. My poor family. I want to quit my job and find something new. But with the lack of jobs out there I stay.
Do I quit my job or start fresh? Do I stay and deal with the lack of support and more duties that I have come my way? Life is too short and I dont want to feel this way.
Why does angry make me want to cry and make me feel helpless? Guilt always follows. Am I the only one that feels this way?

May 05, 2009
He is like God and Devil
by: LM

My husband can be an extremely sweet person who takes care of me and our baby very well. On the flip side, he can be really mean and punishing when he gets angry with me.

In the 3 years of our union, I had always been giving in. I NEVER nags, scolds or controls him. I always apologize, even when it is clearly not my fault.

He admits that I had been the most wonderful wife any men can have yet he forgets this when he gets angry for the slightest mistake that I made.

Recently, he got very angry with me when I asked him to leave the nursery so that our baby would be able to sleep (our baby was getting tired and cranky and my husband presence only serve as a distraction to her). He scolded me, treated me coldly for the next 3 days and refused to talk to me even after I had apologized and explained that I was also tired and could had sounded harsh without realizing it.

For me, it was something very minor, I do not understand why it could cause him so much wrath.

I can do everything that is right, however, one single mistake made would erase all my credits and I had to start from ground zero again.

I had tried talking to him nicely about how I feel, only to be "attacked" and made to "admit" that I was solely responsible for those nasty ways he treats me.

I am sick and tired of putting up with his behaviour, but I can't walk out of my marriage, leaving my baby or letting her grows up without a father. But I simply don't know so long more can I hold on.


Mar 08, 2010
aNGRY HUSBAND
by: Anonymous

HI i AM LIVINIG WITH A VERY ANGRY MAN WHO WILL NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO GET THROUGH HIS ANGER DUE TO THE EFFECTS OF HAVING A CANCER OPERATION, DURING THIS OPERATION HE HAD HIS MANHOOD SHORTENED AND IS UNABLE TO PERFORM LIKE OTHER MEN. HE WASNT TOLD ABOUT THIS PRIOR TO HIS OP.
HE SAYS COUNSELLING WILL NOT FIX IT AND I HAVE TO AGREE, HE SAID I WOULD BE BEST TO WALK AWAY AS HE WILL ALWAYS TAKE IT OUT ON WHOEVER HE IS WITH, BUT I KNOW HE NEEDS ME, AND I LOVE HIM DEEPLY.
I DONT KNOW WHAT ONB EARTH TO DO TO BE HONEST I SAID I WILL HAVE COUNSELLING IN ORDER THAT I CAN PUT UP A WALL SO I WONT FEEL IT WHEN HE IS ABUSIVE, HE SAID NO POINT BOTH OF US HAVING A WALL UP THAT WOULDNT HELP HIM HE SAID.
ANY ADVICE APPRECIATED.
P.S. I DO BELIEVE THAT NOTHING WILL HELP HIS PROBLEM AS HE WAS A VERY PROUD MAN BEFORE, PROUD OF HIS ABILITY TO PERFORM.

Mar 10, 2010
At least try counselling
by: Anonymous

Hi,

You should at least try to get your husband to go to counselling. That's sad that he thinks he's nothing more than a body part. You didn't marry him and stay with him all these years just because of that. You married him because you loved who he is, not what he has. You wanted someone to share your life with. What about the rest of your family and friends as well? They weren't spending time with him due to that. They spend time with him because of who he is.

He's been given a second chance at life and all he's thinking about is what he thinks he's lost rather than what he's been given. A lot of people would give their own body parts to be able to save a loved one from cancer or even just to be able to spend a little more time with their loved one.
So, at least try counselling so he can see that life is a tremendous gift and something to be appreciated. He's more than a body part.

May 18, 2010
anger , how to live people
by: marilee

every time i see him i get very upset!!! he never has anything to say that makes sense. always angry . it's always something much more deeper going on. i don't feel anything any more -----never will.

Dec 16, 2010
Marriage Counselling
by: Anonymous

Warning: If you and your abusive (angry, blaming, insulting, controlling etc.) husband or wife seek marriage counselling, be on the alert for the following from your abusive husband or wife:

1. Blame of you accomplished by turning on the charm.
2. Blame of you accomplished by projecting their faults on you.
3. Blame of you accomplished by playing the victim or martyr.
4. Blame of you accomplished by blowing incidents out of proportion/making mountains out of molehills.
5. Blame of you accomplished by ommission of information, the half truth.
6. Citing ignorance, not knowing any better, as cause of their behaviour.
7. Citing your behaviour as the cause of their behaviour.

Abusers are very adept actors and emotional manipulators and blamers and usually very charming. Abusers control and blame others instead of fixing what they need to fix about themselves and are very adept at it as their survival depends on it.

Don't avoid marriage counselling if your abusive husband or wife wants it. If you do, this will provide your abusive husband or wife with a reason to blame you. Listen carefully, very carefully, because what your abuser will say in order to blame you will mostly be subtle. Never, most especially at the beginning, allow your abusive husband or wife to do all the talking. Quit, as you have very good reason to quit, a marriage counsellor that will not allow you to speak; is interested in only what your abuser has to say; you can only get a word in edgewise; ignores or expresses no interest in your feelings; expresses disbelief about what you say about your abuser; sides with your abuser; yells at you. Do not let your abuser gain control of the counsellor. If this happens, you will be blamed for everything and anything; the counsellor's favourable bias towards your abuser will be very obvious.

Dec 18, 2010
have no idea what to do
by: Anonymous

Hi, I am living with a man who flies off the handle at nearly everything, when he drives in the car he used really bad language against other drivers, and he is emotionally abusive. I get very nervous around him, but I dont want to leave (I have been with him a year) as my self esteem is very low, i have no finances, and I dont want to be without a special person in my life. I was to be married last saturday but he decided he just wants to live with me and be his partner, this really upsets me because i believe in marriage and he did say he would marry me. I feel very unhappy, but dont have support as i am a very quiet, private person. i dont know how i will get through christmas and the new year when everyone seems happy, including my partner, who i feel has the upper hand. I feel so bad that if anyone else came along i would run off with that person. Any advice? If i ended up on my own i would go mad as i get scared.

Jan 27, 2011
Toxic husband
by: Anonymous

I've been married for 38 years and while my husband is not abusive, after reading Catherine's article, I believe he is a blamer. I also recognize that I have developed some of the coping mechanisms mentioned in the article, and they do work. In many ways he is a good caring person, but he is constantly making negative comments about everyone in our lives, including our grown children. I understand he is a very frustrated man and the reasons for his frustrations, but putting everyone down is not helping any. We no longer have any friends, and I miss my friends a lot. I was the middle sister, but both my sisters died and I miss them terribly, I have formed very good relationships with other women, but he always finds faults with them or their husbands (specially the men) he does not have any male friends at all. No hobbies or interests either. Only 1 interest - he researches is ancestry - I've come to believe that he gets along better with women because they are more submissive and his only interest is ancestry because they are dead and can't tell him he is wrong. Example - our daughter is a lazy ignorant bitch, actually, our daughter is married has 2 kids a masters degree and 2 jobs. Our son my nephew who we adopted when he was 1 old, is a lazy lyer metally retarted - he has a bachlors degree and works for a major corporation and earns 45,000 a year. I went back to college at age 50 and graduated 2 years ago with a bachlors. My husband on the other hand, is an extremely intelligent man but has not earned 1 cent in the last 5 years, I have always supported his business ideas and he has no intentions of looking for a job doing anything but what he has always done - his inventions - and by the way, he doesn't even have an AA - he is self taught, but to him everybody else is stupid - he is the only smart person in the world. I needed to vent.

Sep 27, 2012
Thank you for the advice
by: Anonymous

I feel my husband is a blamer. I have always joked that I will take the blame for everything,for one rteason, I do most everything. So when I make a mistake it falls on me.
He gets mad over things I feel are petty, and if I say anything that sounds like I am telling him what to do,he is very childish.
For ANYONE who is in a relationship where they are not being treated good and you have not married or have children, I would find strength to start over. You will be fine! I have left an abusive relationship of 6 years. I was living with an abuser and drug addict from the age of 16 to 22. I had enough, and moved in with a family member. I had to start with a part time job as I was in a rural area. Saved fir a car and was able to get more work in town. I am so glad I never married this man or had children with him. It would have been a nightmare!
Now I have children my youngest is a toddler. To start over or leave would be hard on them. Also I would worry that my husband would not let me see them. He is a good manipulator, and would also risk violence. I am not physically abused, or I would seek help.
I hope that anyone wanting to marry someone that treats them bad thinks about the rest of your life, your future kids lives. It isn't a good route. There are days I wish God would save me from this hell, then I know my children need a mother.

Nov 23, 2012
Research borderline personality disorder
by: Anonymous

Look it up. Borderline personality disorder.

Your spouses are showing so much of it. They are blamers, thinks they are perfect, manipulates everyone (I mean everyone). Spends money like wildfire. Almost makes u believe that you are horrible person and then they turn around and tell you you are the best. Tries to turn everyone even kids against you. They are so scared to be alone. Can't maintain a job or relationships. Believe me I know this I know one. To sum it up they must win and they will take that is all that is important to them. Win and Take. Read up and protect yourselves.

Aug 15, 2013
mad husband
by: Anonymous

my husband is mad all the time at me, but an angel around others. Especially in church he acts like we are all in love then ignores me. my girls are teens now and they told me a couple of days ago they don't want us to divorce but they sure aren't going to marry someone who treats them like there dad does me. I don't know what to do. its like nothing I ever do is good enough.

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