Adult Step Daughter tried to cause problems between her father and I

by Frosted

This girl is in her 40's and is quite a bit of a drama queen. I have gotten on well with her for some 14 years until last 4th of July weekend.

We are retired and are going to move down by them and she invited us that we could stay there while looking for home. Since she works, DH and I figured that we would take care of the cooking and stay out of the way until weekend. Hubby, when we arrived, told her that he was going to go pick up a bucket of KFC so she wouldn't have to cook. She had just gotten in and was also beat. She made a big stink about come we didn't want her to cook. DH explained to her again, and that we didn't want her to go out of her way for us, she had worked all day and should sit down and relax. Now she doesn't like to cook to begin with..her husband does the cooking. She was argumentative right from the time we got out of the car.

Next morning her hubby calls her from Japan, since she was outside I answered the phone (only after hearing it was him). She comes in and, while I am sitting at the counter drinking coffee and reading a book, she starts screaming at him, and was screaming at whomever she made the follow up call to. Seemed to be a carry over of the behavior the night before.

Hubby and I were both getting uncomfortable with her behavior and decided that we would be leaving Sat. 3 days earlier than she had planned for us to be there.

Now, we are considerate guests. We pick up after ourselves, make our bed, put things away; but DH got a tad put out when she stated that she wants to keep her house "show perfect" at all times.

Anyway, Friday evening she comes home. I had run the dishwasher but, as it had just finished drying had not put the dishes away. She had gone grocery shopping and was putting things away as I was emptying the dishwasher. Unexpectedly she pushed at me. Now I am an old lady with some arthritis problems. I managed to avoid her hit, but she did catch my leg at the knee and I had to grab the counter to keep my balance. While doing that she yells at me that she "has better things to do." I was stunned and tired after a day of house hunting and making an offer on a home. I told her that I didn't feel that she wanted us there. At which point she snipped "suit ourself, I don't care", and stormed out of the room. DH hates conflict and we left very early the next morning.

I arrive home to an e-mail from her telling me that she apologizes that she should have just turned around and walked out of the room instead of responding to my nasty, unwarranted attack on her! I e-mailed back and tried to tell her how I felt, how her father felt, but she just wanted to accuse me. I told her that when she pushed me I almost fell and she called me a liar. Now, I must tell you that my DH is showing some signs of early alzheimers and I have talked to her about this, she has also noticed it, which is one of the reasons she wanted us to move down there closer to them. But, DH at this point, gets upset if you mention to him that something might be wrong - men can be like that. I bring this up because the next thing this girl does is tell me that she is going to cause me some hurt and pain and tell her father that I have told her that he might have altheimers, and she proceeded to do so.

That is when I got teed off. I warned her that she was going too far, but she kept it up even giving her father a list of grievances about me many of which were fabricated (saying that I demand steak and chops when we are down there. I don't care for steak and rarely eat pork). Many things she accused me of were things her father had done. She really went off the deep end claiming that she had been abused by me and all kinds of nonsense. She kept sending nasty e-mails, and for the first one, well two, I told here that she should sit back and think about what she was doing....that she was causing trouble between her father and I and that was wrong. Eventually, to stop her, I told her that what she was doing was wrong and I would not allow her to continue to attack me and I was blocking her from my e-mail. So, she continues whining to her father about how terrible I am. Accuses me of following her around trying to listen to her phone conversation with her hubby even to following her upstairs! That is false, I was sitting at the breakfast bar and never movedEven tells him that she didn't want us to come down there that time, it was not good, and that she had told me that. She never had. I even had the e-mail asking us what time we would be arriving and talking about taking in a flea market over the weekend. AND she called us the day before to be sure we were coming!

She was bragging, to me and to him, about how hurt she was and that it is hard for her to trust someone again, and talking about how proud she is that she can hold grudges.

Quite frankly, I don't have time for all her melodrama. My life is too short for that carp. While I can forgive her for her attitude at her house (perhaps she was having a bad day or....). I cannot let go what she did between her father and I. It was malicious and meant to start problems. Right now I am staying clear of her.

So, she is still sending her Dad e-mails about how terrible I am. She exepcts me to apologize to her because of what she did now. Also goes on to tell him that even if I do apologize she doesn't want much to do with me because I will have to earn her trust and that can take years and years. Give me a break - with that attitude why should I bother.

Any suggestions on how to handle this situation. DH wants me to apologize, not becaue I did anything wrong, but to keep the peace. As I said, about the first stuff, yeah, that can be gotten over. But this girl refuses to see what she was doing when she started sending all this fabrication/grievances etc. about me to her father. BTW, he knows much of them were BS and even told her that; at which point she backed down on them and started on new fabricated slights etc.

She has a history of starting trouble between people. And I can tell you that she is very negative and mean in talking about other people. She has a hard time holding down jobs and usually ends up getting laid off/terminated. Not right away, but after she is there awhile.

Comments for Adult Step Daughter tried to cause problems between her father and I

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Aug 22, 2012
Divorce father syndrome
by: Glen54

Regardless of their age divorced fathers have a guilt syndrome. They want everything to be wonderful between new wife and daughter....With many sd'd especially mine and yours that doesn't work.

StepMom's deserve way more respect than SD's are willing to give. My 32 year old stepdaughter tried to attack me because I told her to shut up. My husband wants me to make believe nothing happened.

You are in a particularly difficult situation, due to the alzheimer situation... moving down to her may not be the assistance that you are hoping for. You need help, not additional stress... as the wife of a parkinson patient I know where you are coming from... stress and anxiety are our enemies... stay away from her.... allow your husband to have his relationship

Aug 29, 2012
I am there!
by: Anonymous

My 40-year-old step daughter attacked me, told me she hated me, and hoped I would die soon. Since I have known this woman, about 18 yrs, I always wondered how she really felt about me. Now I know. I have been the one to rescue her from financial difficulties, jail, homelessness, etc. I even took care of her three babies when she went to jail for three years.

Why does she hate me so much? I truly don't understand and it makes me very sad. I love her children and they are attached to me but she has decided that they would never see me again. She is hurting them dreadfully by her actions. She has been diagnosed with mental problems like psychosis but refuses to take medication and I fear for their safety as she has violent tendencies. They live out of my state.

It seems like your step-daughter has mental issues as well and hates you for being married to her father. Stay away if you can.

Sep 18, 2012
She does have a reason
by: Anonymous

She is most likely worried about her inheritance at this point. She does not care about you let alone her father. She is gaslighting both of you. I would bet that she will try to alienate him against you and then ask him to put her name on all of his accounts and leave you in the cold. I say this as I am in a similar situation.

Ask yourself why she would make up things, that you are demanding things from her? She really does have a reason. You have known her what does your gut tell you the reason is?

Nov 12, 2014
by: Anonymous

I would be sure she has some sort of mental illness, like a personality disorder. The outright lying is bizarre. Also it is definitely ELDER ABUSE and she is only getting started. I would stay a million miles away because you do not need MORE problems. SHE PUSHED YOU??? WOW!

Jan 06, 2015
by: Anonymous

I too have a husband with a "big " daughter issue.....I can't begin to explain all the problems she has caused and still all over facebook writes hoe SHE HAS BEEN TREATED BADLY....doesn't ever write about everything I have done for her financially and given her a place to live but she burns the bridge every time and makes it so I have to hide from her in my own dog even growls when she hears her on the answering machine....this morning I received the latest "gift" another no-trespass order from her......she does this same pattern every time she doesn't get her way and then blames me and her father for her horrible life...I have not had physical contact and she still takes action against me....she belongs in an institution and I have no power to make her go....I am at my last whit's but this always happens...

Nov 02, 2015
Thank you!!
by: Anonymous

A Google search brought this up and I am thankful there are others out that that might understand.

My husband & I have been married for 30 years, she was 2 when we married and lived with her mom. The girl has never liked me, her mom made sure of that. It has been an on & off relationship all these years. She will like me, talk with me and we seem like friends, then the next I know she wants nothing to do with me.

As some of you have stated, I have tried to just be here in case she needed a friend, I have never tried to be her mom. Just want her & her daddy to see each other and now his grandson. She was very helpful when we moved to our new house, closer to her and things have gone fairly well. She was in a relationship with an older man and he basically took care of her and her son. She decided to leave him and took a job in another city. He was heartbroken and she was calling him names on FB. I made one comment "why would you say that about a good looking man like that", as a joke. She had told me so many times how much she loved him. Well, she ups and drops me as a friend. A lot of my own close family has her for a friend and imagine how that looks to them! It has now been several months and continues to cause major friction between us as a couple. We are older also and if only for health reasons, we do not need this. He shouts at me because I won't forgive her when she has never asked for forgiveness!! I do not know how to handle this as I just want it to go away.

Nov 21, 2015
Guilty father/Grown daughter
by: Anonymous

I can fully relate to all of the comments above. I have lived in the guilty-father universe for the past 13 years. I met my husband when his daughter was 14. I had a 2 year old son from a previous relationship. We fell for each other quickly and soon moved in together. Things were great a first but it seemed that the closer my hubby and I became the worst she behaved. Nd you my little boy was witnessing all of this erratic behavior. I tried to be loving and supportive but she resisted the family we were trying to build at every turn. At 15 she started staying out all night, having sex, failing school. Onece my husband and I came home and the police were sitting in front of our home and he was arrested because she and her mother called the police on my husband accusing him of beating her! After a court case and thousands of dollars in legal fees my husband was vindicated. A few months later she contacted us and wanted to move back into our home. We allowed her to come back things were ok for a while then the erratic/manipulative behavior started again. One afternoon before Christmas my hubby and I were headed out to do some shopping, we stopped by the ATM to withdraw some money and the transaction was declined! She had cleaned us out! Though my husband was furious he did not want to send her to live with her mother. She offerd an excuse and he wanted to move on and pretend like ut didn't happen. Since then we have been taken through hell! Everytime we have allowed her to move back in. She had moved in and abruptly moved out when she has not gotten her way more times than I can count. Ar 20 she became pregnat. She abruptly stopped speaking to me for nearly an entire summer. When she realized her mother was not going to give her a baby shower she started speaking to me again because she wanted ne to give her one. So I did..... The child is close to me but I cam tell that bothers her. That doesn't stop her from leaving the baby( who is now five) with usfor days at a time. She has gotten two separate drunk driving cases since shes been a mother and now uses the baby to control us. If we dont give her her way she will not allow us to see the baby, once this went on for months...we have gone through so much that my husband feels that it is better to accomodate her foolishness than risk her keeping the baby away from us as he does not trust her with the baby and feels the baby will be in harms way if we are not around. My hubby and her mother divorced when she was ten. And feels that her behaviors over the years are as a result of this. She works full time but we pay her car payment, insurence, feed and clothe her daughter, and assist her in every financial crisis she puts herself in. He has always been there for me and my son as my sons biologicol father passed when he was 1. My hubby us the only father my son has ever known. And my hubby loves him dearly but I think he feels guilty that my son(now 16 ) has grown up in a two parent home and his daughter did not.....thus the cobstant enabeling and excuses offered for her behavior. After all these years she still addresses my so as her "step-brother" though he calls her his "sister". My hubby has always referred to my son as his "son". She will be 27 next month and we are still basically dealing with the same things, she behaves irresponsibly and or recklessly at times and my husband continues to enable her, if he tries to address the behavior she will burst into tears and not take his calls causing him to turn a blind eye and pretend like everything is fine. We just paid 1600 to have a new engine put in her car she was supposed to have the money when my husband found someone to put it in but when the time came, thats right you guessed it! More drama! So we paid for it. In the meantime my husband had loaned her his car to drive causing he and I to have to share a car and she hit something in his car so we will now have to psy for those repairs as well.... TBC....

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