Adult Step Daughter tried to cause problems between her father and I

by Frosted
(WI)

This girl is in her 40's and is quite a bit of a drama queen. I have gotten on well with her for some 14 years until last 4th of July weekend.

We are retired and are going to move down by them and she invited us that we could stay there while looking for home. Since she works, DH and I figured that we would take care of the cooking and stay out of the way until weekend. Hubby, when we arrived, told her that he was going to go pick up a bucket of KFC so she wouldn't have to cook. She had just gotten in and was also beat. She made a big stink about it....how come we didn't want her to cook. DH explained to her again, and that we didn't want her to go out of her way for us, she had worked all day and should sit down and relax. Now she doesn't like to cook to begin with..her husband does the cooking. She was argumentative right from the time we got out of the car.

Next morning her hubby calls her from Japan, since she was outside I answered the phone (only after hearing it was him). She comes in and, while I am sitting at the counter drinking coffee and reading a book, she starts screaming at him, and was screaming at whomever she made the follow up call to. Seemed to be a carry over of the behavior the night before.

Hubby and I were both getting uncomfortable with her behavior and decided that we would be leaving Sat. 3 days earlier than she had planned for us to be there.

Now, we are considerate guests. We pick up after ourselves, make our bed, put things away; but DH got a tad put out when she stated that she wants to keep her house "show perfect" at all times.

Anyway, Friday evening she comes home. I had run the dishwasher but, as it had just finished drying had not put the dishes away. She had gone grocery shopping and was putting things away as I was emptying the dishwasher. Unexpectedly she pushed at me. Now I am an old lady with some arthritis problems. I managed to avoid her hit, but she did catch my leg at the knee and I had to grab the counter to keep my balance. While doing that she yells at me that she "has better things to do." I was stunned and tired after a day of house hunting and making an offer on a home. I told her that I didn't feel that she wanted us there. At which point she snipped "suit ourself, I don't care", and stormed out of the room. DH hates conflict and we left very early the next morning.

I arrive home to an e-mail from her telling me that she apologizes that she should have just turned around and walked out of the room instead of responding to my nasty, unwarranted attack on her! I e-mailed back and tried to tell her how I felt, how her father felt, but she just wanted to accuse me. I told her that when she pushed me I almost fell and she called me a liar. Now, I must tell you that my DH is showing some signs of early alzheimers and I have talked to her about this, she has also noticed it, which is one of the reasons she wanted us to move down there closer to them. But, DH at this point, gets upset if you mention to him that something might be wrong - men can be like that. I bring this up because the next thing this girl does is tell me that she is going to cause me some hurt and pain and tell her father that I have told her that he might have altheimers, and she proceeded to do so.

That is when I got teed off. I warned her that she was going too far, but she kept it up even giving her father a list of grievances about me many of which were fabricated (saying that I demand steak and chops when we are down there. I don't care for steak and rarely eat pork). Many things she accused me of were things her father had done. She really went off the deep end claiming that she had been abused by me and all kinds of nonsense. She kept sending nasty e-mails, and for the first one, well two, I told here that she should sit back and think about what she was doing....that she was causing trouble between her father and I and that was wrong. Eventually, to stop her, I told her that what she was doing was wrong and I would not allow her to continue to attack me and I was blocking her from my e-mail. So, she continues whining to her father about how terrible I am. Accuses me of following her around trying to listen to her phone conversation with her hubby even to following her upstairs! That is false, I was sitting at the breakfast bar and never movedEven tells him that she didn't want us to come down there that time, it was not good, and that she had told me that. She never had. I even had the e-mail asking us what time we would be arriving and talking about taking in a flea market over the weekend. AND she called us the day before to be sure we were coming!

She was bragging, to me and to him, about how hurt she was and that it is hard for her to trust someone again, and talking about how proud she is that she can hold grudges.

Quite frankly, I don't have time for all her melodrama. My life is too short for that carp. While I can forgive her for her attitude at her house (perhaps she was having a bad day or....). I cannot let go what she did between her father and I. It was malicious and meant to start problems. Right now I am staying clear of her.

So, she is still sending her Dad e-mails about how terrible I am. She exepcts me to apologize to her because of what she did now. Also goes on to tell him that even if I do apologize she doesn't want much to do with me because I will have to earn her trust and that can take years and years. Give me a break - with that attitude why should I bother.

Any suggestions on how to handle this situation. DH wants me to apologize, not becaue I did anything wrong, but to keep the peace. As I said, about the first stuff, yeah, that can be gotten over. But this girl refuses to see what she was doing when she started sending all this fabrication/grievances etc. about me to her father. BTW, he knows much of them were BS and even told her that; at which point she backed down on them and started on new fabricated slights etc.

She has a history of starting trouble between people. And I can tell you that she is very negative and mean in talking about other people. She has a hard time holding down jobs and usually ends up getting laid off/terminated. Not right away, but after she is there awhile.

Comments for Adult Step Daughter tried to cause problems between her father and I

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Aug 22, 2012
Divorce father syndrome
by: Glen54

Regardless of their age divorced fathers have a guilt syndrome. They want everything to be wonderful between new wife and daughter....With many sd'd especially mine and yours that doesn't work.

StepMom's deserve way more respect than SD's are willing to give. My 32 year old stepdaughter tried to attack me because I told her to shut up. My husband wants me to make believe nothing happened.

You are in a particularly difficult situation, due to the alzheimer situation... moving down to her may not be the assistance that you are hoping for. You need help, not additional stress... as the wife of a parkinson patient I know where you are coming from... stress and anxiety are our enemies... stay away from her.... allow your husband to have his relationship

Aug 29, 2012
I am there!
by: Anonymous

My 40-year-old step daughter attacked me, told me she hated me, and hoped I would die soon. Since I have known this woman, about 18 yrs, I always wondered how she really felt about me. Now I know. I have been the one to rescue her from financial difficulties, jail, homelessness, etc. I even took care of her three babies when she went to jail for three years.

Why does she hate me so much? I truly don't understand and it makes me very sad. I love her children and they are attached to me but she has decided that they would never see me again. She is hurting them dreadfully by her actions. She has been diagnosed with mental problems like psychosis but refuses to take medication and I fear for their safety as she has violent tendencies. They live out of my state.

It seems like your step-daughter has mental issues as well and hates you for being married to her father. Stay away if you can.

Sep 18, 2012
She does have a reason
by: Anonymous

She is most likely worried about her inheritance at this point. She does not care about you let alone her father. She is gaslighting both of you. I would bet that she will try to alienate him against you and then ask him to put her name on all of his accounts and leave you in the cold. I say this as I am in a similar situation.

Ask yourself why she would make up things, that you are demanding things from her? She really does have a reason. You have known her what does your gut tell you the reason is?

Nov 12, 2014
wow
by: Anonymous

I would be sure she has some sort of mental illness, like a personality disorder. The outright lying is bizarre. Also it is definitely ELDER ABUSE and she is only getting started. I would stay a million miles away because you do not need MORE problems. SHE PUSHED YOU??? WOW!

Jan 06, 2015
NEVER ENDING !!!
by: Anonymous

I too have a husband with a "big " daughter issue.....I can't begin to explain all the problems she has caused and still all over facebook writes hoe SHE HAS BEEN TREATED BADLY....doesn't ever write about everything I have done for her financially and given her a place to live but she burns the bridge every time and makes it so I have to hide from her in my own home....my dog even growls when she hears her on the answering machine....this morning I received the latest "gift" another no-trespass order from her......she does this same pattern every time she doesn't get her way and then blames me and her father for her horrible life...I have not had physical contact and she still takes action against me....she belongs in an institution and I have no power to make her go....I am at my last whit's but this always happens...

Nov 02, 2015
Thank you!!
by: Anonymous

A Google search brought this up and I am thankful there are others out that that might understand.

My husband & I have been married for 30 years, she was 2 when we married and lived with her mom. The girl has never liked me, her mom made sure of that. It has been an on & off relationship all these years. She will like me, talk with me and we seem like friends, then the next I know she wants nothing to do with me.

As some of you have stated, I have tried to just be here in case she needed a friend, I have never tried to be her mom. Just want her & her daddy to see each other and now his grandson. She was very helpful when we moved to our new house, closer to her and things have gone fairly well. She was in a relationship with an older man and he basically took care of her and her son. She decided to leave him and took a job in another city. He was heartbroken and she was calling him names on FB. I made one comment "why would you say that about a good looking man like that", as a joke. She had told me so many times how much she loved him. Well, she ups and drops me as a friend. A lot of my own close family has her for a friend and imagine how that looks to them! It has now been several months and continues to cause major friction between us as a couple. We are older also and if only for health reasons, we do not need this. He shouts at me because I won't forgive her when she has never asked for forgiveness!! I do not know how to handle this as I just want it to go away.

Nov 21, 2015
Guilty father/Grown daughter
by: Anonymous

I can fully relate to all of the comments above. I have lived in the guilty-father universe for the past 13 years. I met my husband when his daughter was 14. I had a 2 year old son from a previous relationship. We fell for each other quickly and soon moved in together. Things were great a first but it seemed that the closer my hubby and I became the worst she behaved. Nd you my little boy was witnessing all of this erratic behavior. I tried to be loving and supportive but she resisted the family we were trying to build at every turn. At 15 she started staying out all night, having sex, failing school. Onece my husband and I came home and the police were sitting in front of our home and he was arrested because she and her mother called the police on my husband accusing him of beating her! After a court case and thousands of dollars in legal fees my husband was vindicated. A few months later she contacted us and wanted to move back into our home. We allowed her to come back things were ok for a while then the erratic/manipulative behavior started again. One afternoon before Christmas my hubby and I were headed out to do some shopping, we stopped by the ATM to withdraw some money and the transaction was declined! She had cleaned us out! Though my husband was furious he did not want to send her to live with her mother. She offerd an excuse and he wanted to move on and pretend like ut didn't happen. Since then we have been taken through hell! Everytime we have allowed her to move back in. She had moved in and abruptly moved out when she has not gotten her way more times than I can count. Ar 20 she became pregnat. She abruptly stopped speaking to me for nearly an entire summer. When she realized her mother was not going to give her a baby shower she started speaking to me again because she wanted ne to give her one. So I did..... The child is close to me but I cam tell that bothers her. That doesn't stop her from leaving the baby( who is now five) with usfor days at a time. She has gotten two separate drunk driving cases since shes been a mother and now uses the baby to control us. If we dont give her her way she will not allow us to see the baby, once this went on for months...we have gone through so much that my husband feels that it is better to accomodate her foolishness than risk her keeping the baby away from us as he does not trust her with the baby and feels the baby will be in harms way if we are not around. My hubby and her mother divorced when she was ten. And feels that her behaviors over the years are as a result of this. She works full time but we pay her car payment, insurence, feed and clothe her daughter, and assist her in every financial crisis she puts herself in. He has always been there for me and my son as my sons biologicol father passed when he was 1. My hubby us the only father my son has ever known. And my hubby loves him dearly but I think he feels guilty that my son(now 16 ) has grown up in a two parent home and his daughter did not.....thus the cobstant enabeling and excuses offered for her behavior. After all these years she still addresses my so as her "step-brother" though he calls her his "sister". My hubby has always referred to my son as his "son". She will be 27 next month and we are still basically dealing with the same things, she behaves irresponsibly and or recklessly at times and my husband continues to enable her, if he tries to address the behavior she will burst into tears and not take his calls causing him to turn a blind eye and pretend like everything is fine. We just paid 1600 to have a new engine put in her car she was supposed to have the money when my husband found someone to put it in but when the time came, thats right you guessed it! More drama! So we paid for it. In the meantime my husband had loaned her his car to drive causing he and I to have to share a car and she hit something in his car so we will now have to psy for those repairs as well.... TBC....

Jan 08, 2016
Will not hurt me anymore
by: Anonymous

So please to know am not the only one and it's not me as they make me feel....

Met my husband 21 yrs ago.
He didn't tell me straight away he had a past, he was separated from his wife and two daughters.
So I first met his daughters when I was 23yrs old and they were 18mths and nearly five.
My husband initially moved in to my house I owned, I accepted the girls and loved them as I loved him. We have been on holidays, invoked them with my family, my treat them as grand children, cousins and nieces.
They have lived with their mum until 5/6 years ago and visited / stayed at out home on a regular basis, including partners.
No it hasn't been easy, but from very early days I've reassured the girls that I was here for them as a best friend and not to replace mummy as I loved their daddy so much.
Over time they nave grown into young women in relationships of their own.
However over the years their behaviour has been so hurtful, what ever I do is wrong, they are so quick to prejudge a situation, show horrid signs of anger towards me and father says and does nothing!
I have never restricted them coming or staying our living space always accommodated them, we have continued weekly visits and provided support to all of their needs.

Now this is what hurts the most, when we told them we were getting married, signs of anger and jealousy towards me and wedding preparations, we had been together 12 years at this point....
Night before wedding youngest causing a issue and then stating didn't want to be bridesmaid. having to deal wth the fall out morning of my wedding....

We have had holidays together and give them a great start in life, I've never said it till now but do feel my husband is dealing with guilty father symptoms.

Things got major when I announced I was pregnant 6 years ago, both of them getting very emotional and bitter. My husband in my eyes not giving them the reassureance they needed, so I tried and this backfired.

They both now live with boyfriends and recently oldest has bought and moved into a house, which my hubby financially supported the deposit of that I was not consulted on. Don't get me wrong I do feel if you can then do, and yes it hard in today's property market, but they will never learn to earn it themselves, they portray an attitude that is due to them.

So younger 23yrs SD then starts with I want to get married....really no too expensive need to use your savings for a house. A again a competiton even race between them to be on the same path. So we look at helping her to she doesn't feel left out. Just so happens new houses are built close by to us and she can apply for help to buy goverment support. I was genuinely excited of the thigh of her been close by, we could build on stronger relationship, but I've been now accused of not wanting them in our home. I was the one that made the calls to get her on the property list!
She was offered few weeks later a property, which is really had to get, did I get thanks?? Then I find out she asked hubby indirectly for deposit same as her sister....and both had actually gone to sick grandparents for extra funding too...it is me does this seam wrong?

Now over the last 6 months we my husband and I have had some other stresses too...
His mum is very sick, have been waiting for the call ( yes this is the one that gave money to SD's)
His business 27yrs in trading is going though a ruff time and we may have to re think strategy, as his business partner is very ill too.
I have have breast lumps which are still been investigated
My parents are going through life changing situation as recently closed business
My 5 yr old daughter suffers from sleep apena, and since July been under investigation for a odd forehead swelling, plus having develop issues at school.

So on Thursday evening while the big girls where visiting as they do every Thursday and had a major out burst at me.
What did I do so wrong?

My daughter was tired from school she always goes to bed at set time, 6.30-7pm. Younger SD arrives at 6.20pm play play....I re confirm bed at 6.40pm, then older SD arrived with partner at 6.30pm. They start to play a game....Btw dinner for all is cooked even though I didn't know how many was coming as they never tell me, I just have to be prepared.
I can see they a having fun and feel if insist putting little one to bed they will feel I'm taking her away from them, so I leave it till just before 7pm.
Hubby is still at work...so I text him to know they are all here and dinner is done.
He arrives home at 7.10pm
The younger SD helps by taking my daughter upstairs to start to get ready for bed, I did say I would do story after prep for dinner.
So then I have I very upset daughter who doesn't want to go to sleep and say things like I don't see daddy it's not fair. As they are all laughing and chating loudly downstairs. I explain to my daughter, it's ok you see daddy everyday, and it's sleep time now. My daughter becomes really upset!
I feel for her, I become upset for her and leave to room to plate dinner. I get frustrated as am putting the needs of to others (adults) before hers. I'm feeling so torn...
Atmosphere excallates very quickly as I come down stairs to husband saying I go to her I reply no leave her, as older SD stated 'she needs to learn!' I find this so upsetting and do not want to challenge it and state she should have been in bed by 6.30pm making excuses for her behaviour. My husband does go to her and I why have you done this?
I my mind am thinking my daughter will never listen to me if daddy always comes and my SD thinking my daughter is pulling daddy away from their limited time.
They take this the wrong way saying am blaming then for visiting, that I should not be so controlling and it one night does it matter., yes it does when she is at school at 8am and is awake nearly every night!
Things were said that were so hurtful, I didn't want to out her to bed I unable to deal with her as am not working I should cook for everyone....that they hate me!
My husband just sat said and did nothing. I would never talk to anyone in the way they did, screaming and swearing at me. I tried to explain myself and it made it worse accusing me of pity, and always having a reason for my actions. I tied to explain to them we, your father and I having lots of other stresses but they didn't care. Saying there is always excuses.
I walked away then left the house to get some fresh air.
On my return they were still talking and discussing learning stages of my daughter.
I was asked a question by my husband and tried to engage in conversation which soon ended.
They both stared to get their things ready to leave
They both said good bye to everyone expect me
Husband acting towards them as if nothing had happen

I've since tried to discuss what happened with my husband and he has broken down saying he's had enough and can't do it anymore. He stated if I truly believe that they are disrespectful to me and I wasn't in the wrong them so be it and I should never see them again and need to be aware of the consequence.
This is not what I want....I love them all and want to be in their lives.

There is a unspoken pretence from SD that he told me they had said, that am putting too much on him since stopping paid work in 2013.
They don't see what I do or have done since then, or the fact that my husband for the first 12 years of our relationship paid for everything to their mother to ensure they had a safe happy life.

I always have given them love and support with everything they do. Why will they not accept me, yet pretend to have a younger sister. younger SD has shown lots of support with but older SD is not forth coming with support.

Am I in the wrong?
Am not a bad person?
Do I keep up this unit or walk away?
Do I stop them seeing my daughter?
Do I request to see my SD to try and resolve it?
How can I carry on supporting my husband?
We are both becoming broken people and am so worried with recent events it will end our marriage.
I will not let my daughter down.....

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