My Story (in parts)

by Kostja

This is my story.

I am 28 years old now. For the past two and a half months I isolated myself from the people I know. From my family. My friends. Everybody. I didn't know why I was doing it at first. I just had a feeling it was something that needed to be done. It might have been the first time in my life I felt safe enough to do it. I have my own appartment now and I am finacially idependent thanks to germanys unemployment benefits. Those months were a hellride of emotions, memories and physical symptoms. I am currently still in the middle of it. I don't think that I'll be able to summarize all of it yet. But I wanted to share some of it. Be aware reading this, it might be triggering and if you are currently in a bad condition or have trouble with PTSD I would advise you not to! AGAIN! TRIGGERWARNING!

In the last couple of days memories came back to me, that the man I thought to be my father actually isn't. I remembered that my father is an old friend of my mothers who I knew back then. She cheated on my father. I found out when I was a boy. I could tell somehow they were lying to me. Some clues were giving it away, like when we randomly visited my biological fathers parents who I met the first time that day, who were (suprisingly to me) upset seeing me. "Why didn't you tell him" they said. I could tell by their looks what was going on. I must have been like 5 or 6 years old at that time. My mother didn't want anyone to find out. She got seriously angry that his parents knew and I could tell by the look on my BFs face that he was scared for his life. I learned that it was more important to her to protect the image of the women she wanted to be then to be truthful, care about me or love me. My biological father was scared of her anger. She could be seriously violent. I was a victim of it aswell for my entire childhood. She used to beat me, scream at me, threaten my life with a knife telling me "I wish you were never born. You are a waste of space, have you never wondered whose place you have taken. The world would have been happier without you. I am going to kill you today. Finally. I am going to end it tonight." She would go on tirades like this when we were alone. Especially when I was around like 3 years old. It would go on for weeks. She choked me, shook me until I pretty much became unconcious. To my surprise I was able to remain calm, ask her stuff like "are you ok now mom?" when she was done. She looked happy. Like she just made a perfectly sain statement to me. Like she proudly had done her work. Then she would often start crying "Why me, why is it always me?" and tell me to go fuck off afterwards.

I remember a time when she and my BF went to chile with me and my younger (half)brother for about half a year when I was 3, leaving the man I had known to be my dad in germany. She was forcing herself onto me one time, telling me "You need to love me". Not really in a sexual way, more like "I have never been loved now you need to love me and I don't care if you want to or not" But her idea of love and relationship was violent, disturbed and broken. She cleary had been abused by her own parents and instead of healing or getting help he forced me to be the scapegoat. Finally there was someone she had power over, and she wasn't gonna let me get away. She took revenge for what her father did to her. Revenge on me. I remember how my system wasn't able to comprehend that the women who was responsible for loving me actually was a mad and evil human. So I witnessed how my brain created a world where she couldn't stop herself from doing it. That somewhere on some level she was innocent and she wasn't responsible. She could see what was happening inside of me, how I created a fantasy and she was making sure I would understand she was doing it on purpose. "No I am not this innocent farytale you are making up right now" she screamed at me and chocked me. She really wanted me to know how evil she was. My BF just stood there and watched. Later that day I remember still being in shock and angry. It was a sunny day, we were living on a german farm in chile. I wanted to get as far away as possible from that place, so I walked. I just left. And while I was walking I got more relaxed. The more distance I put between me and my mom the more relaxed I felt. I noticed the sun on my face. I was walking down this dirtroad until I noticed a couple of boys, a couple years older than me ahead. I remember thinking "oh, maybe I finally can make some friends" almost like I forgot what just happend. So I ran up to them, wanting to greet them with an open heart, or atleast that how it felt to me. I don't really know what they saw in me, but I wasn't getting the reaction I hoped for. I musted have looked like some possed evil child to them, and so they got scared (even tho they were way bigger and like 6-7 and I was alone). And started to beat me. I didn't speak spanish, so I couldn't explain myself. I was confused. Why would anyone do this? I just wanted to have friends? One of them took a large stick from the side of the road and started to beat the back of my head multiple times. I lost vision, my whole body collapsed and I remember thinking "What is happening? this is what it must feel like to be killed. I am getting killed right now" They stopped after a while and looked at me. I was in shock. I couldnt believe what just happend. They saw the confused and shattered look on my face and I saw how guilt came over them. I remember thinking they must have thought I would to the same thing to them, just as my mother did or something. I realised, that I have had a different sense of my body and what I thought to be myself. They had seen my body. They werent seeing me. They ran away after that. What a tragic case of missunderstanding I thought. I became unconcious. The way I remember it I was meeting god. I was shocked. I was only 3 years old. And this was going to be my life? I started crying and screaming at god. "I havent really lived yet", "So you want to live?" he asked. And then I felt my body again. I was cold, shaking. My head hurt terribly. I opened my eyes. It was dark. I was bitter cold. My whole back was glued to my shirt because my blood had dried. I was lying on the road. What followed now was a fight in my head "I HAVE TO GO BACK I CAN'T DIE NOW", but my body wasn't having it. I couldn't get up. "GET UP NOW OR WE ARE GOING TO DIE". After minutes and minutes of struggle I could find the strength in me to get up. I knew I needed to go back to the farm it was my only chance. So I walked. It must have been a couple of miles/kilometers. I walked and walked. I felt how there was not enough blood inside of me. My knees were week. I was struggling to stay on the road. I noticed that my brain wasn't fully functioning anymore. I couldn't think clearly. I couldn't form coherent thoughts. The wound on my head was hurting. It was like a pressure against the back of my head. It felt like my brain was bleeding. I remember losing vision and seeing something again. More like shadows. And there was a door. Finally. Light. They were still awake. Somehow I got to the door, somehow I opened it and somehow I stumbled into the house. I immediately fell to the ground. I made it. I had done it. I was so proud of myself. Now I was safe, or so I thought. I clearly needed help, but I couldnt form sentences anymore. The only word I could muster was "help". I was expecting that someone would pick me up, call an ambulance or something. But instead my mother grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking me. "How dare you just walk away. You know what. You deserve what happend. I am glad it happend." She screamed. I was in shock. I actually was going to die after all, after all of this. And nobody is going to know. I lost conciousness again. I woke up when the farms owner picked me up and carried me to the main house. She got bandages. "I NEED A DOCTOR MY HEAD IS BROKEN" i said to her. I was in panic. I couldnt move the way I could before. I wasn't in control of my body anymore. I couldn't think clearly anymore. Something inside of my brain must have been damaged. "I NEED A DOCTOR" I cried in panic for my health. Well, I never visited a doctor as far as I remember or atleast my headwound (nor the trauma of almost being killed) was ever really taken care of until now. It still hasn't actually. I just remember what happend now. I have been somewhat physically and mentally impared my entire life. Also I wasn't able to remain calm in the company of people anymore. This was a major problem, because I needed to be in school for 12 years. And the people I was surrounded with (teachers, classmates) often got offended or bullied me. I never really had deep friends because of it. Neither a fullfilling lovelife. Atleast not until I was older and more capable of controlling myself. Keeping myself in check. Being close to people (physically and emotionally) ment getting triggert.

Sometimes people would notice (like parents of classmates) and their reaction would take me out of the denial I was in. I felt all the fear, all the anxiety because there was someone seeing me in it. Usually it would cause me to have something like a epileptic seizure. "Don't let me go back to them" I yelled. For a couple of hours I was seen, until my parents came to pick me up. "How dare you embaress us in front of them" they said. I never got help, nobody called the police or youth welfare office. I mostly forgot what happend. I just remember the looks on some of my classmates faces. I didn't understand why they looked at me like that.

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