Relationship with grown sons

I was a good mother and yet my grown sons, (married with children)really don't have much to say to me. One regards his aunt with great affection and I sense contempt. These were not abused children, they were cherished children. But no one is perfect, and we have talked and talked about problems that existed as they grew. My life at 61 is not what I wanted and I can't get past that. My self esteem is very low and I am constantly sad because of this.

Comments for Relationship with grown sons

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May 21, 2009
Thats Sad I wish I could Help
by: Anonymous

I can understand what you mean because I dread that now me being a 30yr old single mom trying to do the best I can developing a 12yr old into a Good Man. I always think about how our relationship will be when we are older. He is my only child, I love him very much and I really want us to have a better relationship than me and my mom did. He distant towards me now and It bothers me. What am I to do?

May 22, 2009
grown sons
by: Catherine

Hi,

Here's a couple of quick suggestions for you.

1. Forgive yourself - this is probably the most important one for you to start with. Realize that you made what you thought were the best decisions at the time (when your sons were growing up). Doesn't mean that in hindsight, you realize there were better ways of dealing with it. But, at the time and with the information you had, that's what you thought was best. You learned from it and that's what makes you a better mother. So, forgive yourself. You did your best.

You say you've also discussed it with your sons. So, let it go now. You can't change the past. You can only learn from it. You've made your amends. It's time to move on.

If you think part of the problem may be with not knowing how to let go of feelings of guilt from the past, then take a look at this article for some ideas:

How To Deal With Feeling Guilty

2. What do you want to do? - what is it that you'd like to do with your life now that your sons are grown? Are there things you wanted to do when you were younger? Why don't you do them now.

Working on your own self esteem and starting to do the things you want to do, will actually make your sons respect you more. They'll see that you have changed and that you've let the guilt and the grief of past mistakes go. You have to move on from it first before they can. As long as you hold on to it, they're reminded of it. So, focus on yourself for a bit. You'll love yourself more, you'll be more interesting to your sons, and you'll have no regrets.

May 22, 2009
12 year old son
by: Catherine

Hi,

It's good that you know what you want to be different with your son than you had with your relationship with your own mother. Just don't let the hurt you still feel from your mother affect your current relationship too much. It's about having a good relationship with your son, not eliminating the pain of your relationship with your mother.

Also, concentrate on the relationship you have now. Enjoy the time you have now with your son. Your relationship will change many times over the years. There's no sense in worrying about what it will be like in the future. Just work on making it strong now. Make it so he knows he can trust you and that you'll be there for him if he needs to talk to someone.

I think it's natural for a 12 year old boy to pull away from his parents a little bit. He's at that age when he's trying to figure out what it means to be independent. You need to be there when he needs support and when he needs guidance but you still have to let him figure out the whole independence thing (within boundaries of course).

Ask yourself if you're really focusing on what you don't want. eg. you don't want a distant relationship with your son like you had with your own mom. Focus on what you do want. You want a good relationship with your son. There's definitely a difference. Figure out what you can do to strengthen your relationship with your son.

Something else to remember is that as you develop your son into that good man, he needs you to be his mother. Not his best friend. You can be best friends when he's totally grown up. But for now, you have to be his mother which means he's going to be annoyed, angry, and distant with you sometimes. It's part of being a parent.

Be gentle with yourself. It's not an easy job being a parent. Just do the best you can.

Dec 15, 2010
GROWN SONS
by: Anonymous

I HAVE TWO GROWNS SONS, TOO. THEY ARE BOTH MARRIED WITH CHILDERN. I LOVE THEM DEARLY. WE HAD A GOOD RELATIONSHIP AS THEY WERE GROWING UP. I AM HAPPY FOR THAT, OUR RELATIONSHIP NOW IS NOT AS CLOSE AS I WANT IT TO BE. SO I HAVE TO BE CONTENT WITH THAT. I THINK YOU NEED TO LOOK INTO THE FUTURE, LEARN A TRADE, OR TAKE A CLASS FOR SELF-ESTEEM. YOUR SONS ARE ALWAYS YOUR SONS NO MATTER WHAT. SO ENJOY YOURSELF NOW. THEY WILL COME TO YOU, THEY WILL BE INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU HAVE BECOME, INDEPENDENT

Jan 18, 2011
trouble to let go my grown up son
by: Anonymous

I am a mom with only one son, with whom I shared
all my love and affection and now Iam finding it very hard to let go , when he dont need my constant atention, Iam still fearful of the decisions he make for his life, his safety , his health, I JUST CANT LET GOOOO, HELP please...

Nov 18, 2011
Son has false memories
by: Anonymous

My grown and married son has memories of his childhood that just never happened. He defends his memories by using my senior status of being forgettful. In fact he now uses my forgetfulness to explain things that happened 12 years ago.
I am 69, not 80! He refuses to 'go there' when I try to discuss the past.
He has two wonderful children whom I love dearly. His wife is an angel but he gives me rules to follow that she is unaware of and he has told her and her family down right lies about me. I just want the relationship we had until his wife concieved his first child. That is when all this started.
He also won't talk to me because I cry and he thinks I am using it on purpose. I am a cryer but it not something I can control. This situation saddens me so that I cry when I talk about it.

Oct 24, 2012
Grown sons
by: Anonymous

I am having the same problems with both of my grown son's. They have changed when they married as if somewhere in those vows I missed the part about sending your Mom off into the sun set. My youngest who is married with 5 children spends most of his time telling me how he doesn't "Need" me anymore that I wonder why he feels he NEEDS to continue saying it.

Dec 04, 2012
Sons are sons till they take a wife
by: Anonymous

I have three sons who are all married with kids,problem is that my daughter in laws don't care for one another and my sons seem to be caught up in the drama. I so dread the holidays now, we used to all get together now we don't. Any suggestions?

Thank for any ideas especially during the holidays.

Jul 31, 2014
Sons are sons until they take a wife.
by: Anonymous

Write or call your son every once and a while. Then ask him how HE has been feeling. Tell him you miss him. Now that you are both getting older and because life goes by very quickly it would be nice if he could call you when he has the time and you can maybe sit down at a nice restaurant and just catch up to how things are going with him....
Just a nice conversation that's all.

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