Oh my gosh

by D
(San Jose, CA)

I am reading this, thinking this is it, this is it. This is the person I live with. I know it is not me when this blaming starts, but than I think ok what is it, what did I do this time. But it is always something. I am making to much noise, I am talking to loud, I am cleaning to loud, I am cooking to loud. Ok lets try something else Make a nice dinner. But it is always something I did not do something right. If he asks me a question and I answer it is a lie. It is always my fault for everything. Lately I am so angry I just punch the pillow. 30 years of this and I am punching a pillow. Than it is me I am a bully, he did not do anything. I feel like I live in a nightmare. I just wish I could walk away. I just typed in the computer blamer, and found this. Does it make it better, well no. But it feels good to see it there in black and white, what this is. 30 years, at first he was charming, liar but charming. little by little it started. The first time I did know what happened. He move in with me. I found some curtains and hung them up thinking he will love it. He came home and all hell broke loose, calling me stupid whore that those curtains were not mine order me to take them down. That was not all of it, he went on for hours.I took them down crying for hours, because one, I never delt with anything like this it was crazy his face and eyes where evil. But after math It was all my fault that I made him upset. What.. if someone put up curtains that i had in a box and hung them up that I was really not happy they took, I would of just said you know those were private I would rather you did not hang them. But the rage has never changed it was the grounds of what was going to be the rest of my life. If you are moving in with me and are hiding or have private things then out the door you pixy is what I should of done. But I fell hard in love. But it is the strangest thing, the one minute you are wonderful and in the next breath.. you are a whore because you did something wrong that he did himself. It is so empowering for them and makes you feel like there must be something so wrong with you. I wish to this day I would of took all those PRIVATE boxes in MY garage and through them to the street. My heart is beating right now so loud, I just can not believe I Know it is not my fault. Now I want to say it is all ok and I can like myself again. I know there has been something wrong. But women want to fix or think it must be something we are doing. For years I felt he had bipolar or a personality disorder. But than he does things ok, we are good. There has not been a night out to dinner that I have had to walk home, or be thrown out of the car or if I would not get out of the car blamed for the bad night and yelled at all the way home. I deserve a life before this person, a life where I don't have to worry that something I will do or say will start the blaming and yelling at me. A life where I don't think when I walk down the street I feel like I am all alone.But I know I will need help.