Negative Spouse

by cutie
(Il)

I truly appreciate your advice. I would like you to be more specific when dealing with a spouse that has neg attitude. When is it time to decide if divorce is the answer? I don't believe in divorce. Married over 10yrs. I feel like I'm the cheerleader, disciplinarian and have 4 boys to raise. Noticed a yr ago I am exhausted, frustrated and disappointed. I feel I would be much happier being divorced. Recently started using reiki, tat and eft. My husband is not supportive of such things. I am tired of trying. When I have asked him if he wants a divorce usually after he has been acting very nasty he says no. Actions don't match up with words 90% of the time. We have been to 3 sessions of marriage counseling.



Visitor Comments


Date: December 25, 2007
Posted by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

Hi Cutie,

Sorry to hear about your frustrations. I've sent you an email separately. Let me know if you don't receive it.




Date: December 28, 2007

Title You decide

Posted By: Anonymous

Quote When is it time to decide if divorce is the answer? I don't believe in divorce. End Quote

You have to decide if you "believe" in divorce. You can stay married and decide to make yourself happy in your current situation. How would you do that?




Date: January 2, 2008

Posted by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

You ask a really good question, anonymous. How would you make yourself happy in a situation like this? I thought I'd share a really good quote from the book, "The Being Solution" by Darel Rutherford.

"We have problems for a reason. The most interesting thing about having a serious problem is that it has become a grave problem only because we've made it significant. We've given our problem the power to disturb our peace of mind. If and when we take our focus off the problem and choose to BE its solution, we take away the problem's power, giving the power back to ourselves."

He also says, "You and I tend to look for a change in the other person or a change in conditions as the only possible solution to our problems. That solution will never happen until I change who I am being relative to my perceived problem! In any situation I face, I can control only me, and that's really the only control I need. If my problem is to be solved, I am the one who must change first."

Problems in a relationship really can be a sign that there are issues of our own we need to look at. When we change ourselves, then people will respond to us differently.

Also, so much energy is spent on focusing on the other person as the problem. It's very frustrating and it keeps you trapped with the problem. You'll just end up feeling angry and feeling stuck. Whereas, if you can take a step back and figure out why you're responding the way you are and what do you really want, you can learn a lot about what's really happening in the situation. Then you can try to figure out solutions to the problem and move forwards instead of remaining stuck. You get to take control of your life again.

Another interesting question that Darel asks in his book is, "if there wasn't a problem, what would you be BEING and what would you be doing?" So, in other words, if there wasn't a problem at all, would you be happy, loving, friendly, joyful, etc.? And, what would you be doing? Would you say encouraging things to them, would you do nice things for them? It's an interesting idea because it brings to light the things that we're doing that might be making the situation worse just because we're acting out of anger and frustration. It also shows how by focusing on the other person you've lost touch with what you really want to be and do. Focus on that again and you move past the problem.

I'm not saying this is the solution for all couples but it is one way of looking at the problem from a different angle and when you can do that, you start to see solutions. You also get back in touch with YOU and what you want to do. You stop being trapped in the current situation waiting for the other person to do something.




Date: January 15, 2008
Posted by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

I saw a good posting on Bellaonline today in regards to this subject. The posting is called, "How Do You Know When It's Time To Go?". Here's the link to the article: http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art54944.asp

I think I would also add the following to the article:

- Are you expecting the other person to make you happy? If there are issues within you that need to be dealt with then you may be taking that out on your partner. You may find that as you solve your own issues of insecurity or lack of confidence that you find your relationships not only with your mate but everyone else will also improve.

- Are you comparing your relationship to what you think others have or what you see on tv? You can't know what happens behind closed doors. The idyllic relationship you think someone else has might not be as nice as it seems. Remember how wonderful the fairy tale story of Princess Diana and Prince Charles appeared to be at the beginning? When the truth came out, it wasn't anything like the fantasy. It's a waste of energy comparing yourself to others. It's far better to focus on what you have and what you need and then figuring out how to achieve that in your own life.

- Are you blaming your partner for what's wrong in your life? Sometimes, we feel like we need to vent or take out our anger on someone and our mate can be the easiest target. It'd be far better to focus on what you do want and focus on solutions.

- Do you find yourself saying "should" a lot. As in "he should buy me flowers", "he should take me out more often", "she should be more understanding". If you are, then you may be a victim of your own beliefs. Let the should's go.

- Are you spending more time focused on what's wrong with your relationship and not appreciating the things that are going right? Take a few days and pay attention to all the good things about your relationship. What you focus on is what you tend to see. So, if you're focused on only seeing what's wrong then that's what you see.

- Have you tried looking at the relationship from your mate's point of view? Sometimes, being able to see the situation from the other person's side will help you to understand why they act and react the way they do.

- Are you waiting for the other person to change? Sometimes the real person that needs to change is you. You can change how another person responds to you but you can't change the other person.

- Are you causing yourself grief by thinking "conditionally". For example, you think you should get something in return for what you do. So, if you make your mate dinner then you think in return he should be grateful, appreciative and do something that demonstrates that to you. If he doesn't then you feel angry and resentful towards him. "He doesn't appreciate all the hard work I do around here." When really you should only do things because you want to. Not because you expect something in return. If you like making dinner for your mate and it gives you joy then that should be enough. This goes for things like affection as well. It just doesn't work if you're affectionate to your mate because you expect that in return. It's a sure fire way to cause yourself great distress. It's far better to focus on the joy you feel inside from just doing what you want to do, what feels right and what is good for you (still respecting the other person of course), and expect nothing in return. If the person does reciprocate then that's great. But, it shouldn't be the reason why you do something for others. You can't bargain like that. You only end up hurting yourself when you do.

Anyway, that's a few thoughts that came to my mind. As you can see, there's a lot of different angles to this issue.




Date: January 19, 2008
Posted by: Anonymous

You are exhausted, frustrated and disappointed. It feels like you holding some anger deep down. What is it you perceive you have lost??? Is it support, love, acceptance, appreciation or what? Then use Catherine's "3 questions" and focus on being grateful to your husband for giving you xxx what you perceive is missing. It works like magic as I use this method now after 36 yrs of rollercoasting in my marriage. Good luck.



Comments for Negative Spouse

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Jan 14, 2009
how do you deal with a spouse that will not support you
by: Anonymous

I just started a new job and it consumes a lot of my time. I'm an independant contractor and it takes time to build a business. I've been doing this for 2 weeks and everything that comes out of his mouth is something along the lines of putting me down. He basically says that it's a waste of my time and I'll never go anywhere with the business. Things like that. He lost his job 3 months ago and can't find a job and he refuses jobs that have been offered to him because he doesn't want to do that paticular job. Anyways, I had to get a job and I really enjoy it so how do I get him off my back? Got any advice on how to deal with this?

Comment from Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

This is really the start of a new topic so I'm moving it over to here:
No Support From Spouse

Feb 26, 2009
should I leave this negative man?
by: Anonymous

my boyfriend of 3 years constantly finds fault with every little thing I do. For example, if I use the towel in the bathroom and don't replace it before he goes in to use the shower he tells me I don't care about him and I am inconsiderate. This is one small example.

He often tells me that I am a terrible mother, terrible housekeeper, terrible partner, etc. I tell him I beleive I am doing the best I can and that my kids are pretty good in my opinion and that since I am the only person who cleans the house I think I am doing a good job. I feel like I walk on eggshells with him. If I manage to do all the things he usually finds fault with before he comes home, he finds something else to complain about.

He says he loves me and that he doesn't like "being this way",but he still puts me down. Lately,he tells me he doesn't feel loved by me. That I should be happy to see home and run up to him and kiss him when he comes through the door. I did try that the other day and he said, "you don't mean it you are only doing it because I said something". Will he ever by happy? Will I ever do anything right for him? Does anyone have any advice?

Feb 26, 2009
Why are you staying?
by: Anonymous

Sorry to hear about the problems you're having.

Why are you staying in the relationship though if he's always putting you down? You have to take responsibility for your own life as well.

Would he be willing to go to counseling with you? Maybe that would help to really figure out what the real issue is. Why is he never satisfied? If he's just that type of person, then you can move on without regret. If it's happening because he's frustrated with his job or because he's not doing what he really dreams of doing, then at least he can deal with that straight on instead of taking it out on you.

You can't make someone happy. They have to be happy within themselves first.

Aug 23, 2009
MY HUSBAND CONTROLL ME
by: Anonymous

how do you deal with a spouse that will not support you?

I have tried everything, is not easy...I being with my husband for almost 50 years, high school sweetheart and I tried everything in the book. He is selfish and when I tried to do somenthing to help me, he always find a way to put me down. I being in counselling and it doesn't work, people (scicologist etc) make opinion about what to do; for then seems so easy because they don't live with a mentally and maybe physically abusive person. I get happy and do things to improve myself and in less than a minute he is there again controling me. I do need help but who could help me? He is always ok and make you feel always guilty, I'm confusing I was raised without a mother (she die) and he think he is my father, after certain hour he won't let me go out the house. I'm tired of that but I don't know what to do. I hope some one could help me. thanks

Sep 17, 2009
Negative Spouse
by: Anonymous

I am currently going through a divorce with a negative man that I was married to for 7 years, he is a police officer. I didnt realize that someones words can be so powerful and so negative that it made you believe you are NOTHING..

Sep 22, 2010
Pls be fair
by: Anonymous

Somebody above said how come you stay in that relationship so long? You should take responsibility for it yourself.

You want an answer? I think it's because they try very hard before they give up. They do love their partners and they want to save their relationships. But sometimes it just doesn't work,
after 7, 10 or even 50 yrs! Due to their own limited wisdom and strength and HIGH TOLERANCE. They need help.

You can blame them for not asking for love from GOD and so they can love their partners UNCONDITIONALLY. But I can't resist asking if that type of love is the love as defined between a man and woman and what is the purpose of marriage.

Sep 29, 2010
divorce
by: Anonymous

I am thinking about divorce although, I have second thoughts all the time I have a baby boy and he´s always trying to get me by that side. Not for not splitting but he somehow threatens me in thinking how my life is going to be after splitting up I mean in a really negative way.He threatens that if I don´t let him keep him every week for two days then there will be consequences I don´t want him to be with him twice a week and without me I think I don´t trust him. I don´t know what to do, on one side we´re ok at times then all of a sudden everything changes.

Sep 30, 2010
Not to the original post but the one above me
by: Anonymous

I think in your situation you should consult a lawyer.

Aug 23, 2011
You have no self respect..."Cutie"
by: Anonymous

How can anyone take a person seriously that goes by "Cutie"? Maybe you like to be called honey, sweetie, or dearie, too? Grow up, be a woman not a "girl".

Aug 24, 2011
unconditional love
by: Anonymous

I'm the one who left a comment doubting about "unconditional love" sept. 22nd 2010.

God revealed himself to me the end of this March and since then I started believing in Jesus Christ. He filled me with His love and enables me to do everything listed in the long comments posted by Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com, effortlessly.

To be honest, for someone who has been hurt too much, I don't believe he/she has the energy, wisdom and patience to do all those "right" things to save their relationships. They themselves need to be loved and cured first. I myself have read quite a few books full of human wisdom. They are not enough though, because the most I needed at that time, is the feeling of being loved, being deeply loved. Though I always know how deep my parents' love is for me, their love can't comfort me when I'm desperate facing my husband.

I think the very first thing for people like me to do is to realize our desperation and incapability, but meanwhile still the desire to save our marriage. Ask for help from God with your heart and soul, in tears with all your pains and heartaches, He'll come to you. It's amazing.

Now I totally understand what unconditional love means and what true love looks like between a man and a woman. I'm cured from serious depression and my marriage has taken on a new look already. It's only about 5 months. There is still a long way to go before I can say I get what I've longed for in my marriage, but I have confidence in God. I love and praise Him.

Best wishes to all the broken-hearted! God love us all and please ask for help from Him. There is nothing God can not do. Believe in Him, your seemingly unsavable marriage will be saved.

Jan 23, 2012
childish, negative spouse
by: Anonymous

I have tried to include my spouse in activities that I enjoy but he has embarrassed me and alienated people because of his negative comments and no mention of any good. I have tried to include him and discuss how others react to his negativity but he doesn't see how and what he says as a problem. He has also stated that he has no interest in what I consider intersting. I now do not feel the need to include him and enjoy my time without him. I have even gone on mission trips without him and found such inner strength and happiness. I cry when I have to return home to a man who does not provide me with the support and affection that I crave. I love him but have found a positive outlet in my mission trips and others. I have had to realize that you can love someone but they will never be everything that you need or want. I left him once for 6 months and felt peace but great loneliness. It allowed me to realize that he was a good man but not everything that I needed so I went elsewhere to find that which he could not provide. I have stated what I needed such as being hugged and kissed every day. I have demanded some of the things that I need and it has helped bridge the gap. Unfortunately, my negative spouse now acts inferior, incompetent and childish the more positive that I become. How do I deal with this and the negativity?

Jan 24, 2012
You are not alone.
by: Anonymous

But being positive itself is not enough. There has to be some real power supporting you to get through when facing negative response from your partner, so that you won't give up your positiveness and have a chance to see the final results your positiveness will bring.

I tried all means, but eventually realized there was no true power except God. Even so, from time to time, I feel frustruated. But I've seen changes in my marriage, so I have faith and will pray to renew my energy to continue.

Good luck to everyone visiting this website.

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