What To Do When Blamers Make Negative Comments About Others
by Catherine Pratt
If you're dealing with a blamer, you'll find this situation happens fairly regularly. It can be tricky to know how to respond with a blamer because if you disagree or defend the other person, it could trigger an attack against you. An attack could be anything from putting you down or criticizing you or being intensely angry at you or even giving you the cold shoulder. If you say nothing, you may feel guilty for not sticking up for them. So what should you do? Here are some quick tips and suggestions on how to deal with this type of situation with a blamer.
Take A Step Back
So, is he making the comments because:
- he's trying to convince you that he's right and the other person is wrong?
- he's trying to create a bond with you. Sort of like "us" versus "them" mentality.
- he wants you to see him as a victim and to do something to fix the situation?
- he's jealous of the other person?
- he's trying to drag you into his drama of how bad things are for him.
- he's upset because that person isn't doing exactly what he thinks they should be doing?
- he feels like he's been abandoned or rejected by that person?
- he's feeling frustrated and feels like no one is there to help him?
- he's afraid and trying to make himself feel better by putting others down?
It helps if you can figure out why he's making the comments. You'll see that it's quite likely not really about the other person at all. It's just his way of expressing his fears or frustration and trying to make himself feel like he has some control in his life. Or, he may be trying to get you emotionally involved in the situation so that you'll do something to fix it.
A few suggestions are:
- you could just say nothing. If you don't encourage him to continue he may stop. By doing this, you're demonstrating that you're not interested in hearing negative comments about others.
- you could try and change the subject to something else. For example, "Oh, that reminds me...".
- you could make a non committal response like, "You may be right." That will often stop a blamer from going on and on about something. He's made his point. You haven't disagreed with him nor have you really agreed with him. But, you've responded in a way that will probably satisfy him.
- if you're able to, you could leave the room if you don't want to hear him continuing to say negative comments about other people.
- you could make a flattering comment to him, "You've done a good job keeping up with all that extra work they've given you." Just make sure that if you make a flattering comment that you really mean it otherwise he'll pick up on your insincerity and it could trigger an attack against you.
- if you think the person is open to humor, you could try to make a joke out of it. Be careful with this one though. You don't want him to think that you're not taking him seriously or that you're making fun of him.
If you do decide to make a comment defending the person, be prepared to accept the consequences that you might be severely attacked for taking this action. You also might have to deal with him taking revenge out on you later as well. This is the main difference between dealing with a blamer and dealing with just a generally negative or insecure person. With the blamer, you'll be punished for not agreeing with him.
Another way to remain detached from the negativity, is to imagine yourself with a shield or force field surrounding you so that none of his negative energy touches you.
Also, remember, it's just his viewpoint of the other person. It's not how you see it. You have your own thoughts about the situation and those are the important ones. His comments most likely are coming from feelings of fear and that other person is just a convenient way to vent those emotions.
As a blamer, his viewpoint of the world is very skewed and it's very unlikely you'll be able to change it no matter what you say to defend the other person.
You also need to keep in mind that he may be trying to manipulate you with his comments which is why it's so important to pay attention to what the blamer is saying and understanding why he's providing the information to you.
Keep these thoughts in mind and you'll be able to prevent yourself from the emotional turmoil that can happen when a blamer starts to make negative comments about others to you.
More Information On How To Deal With Negative Comments Is Available
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