Missing someone terribly?
Hi! I'm a 21-year-old girl missing a part of my past terribly. I need to know what to do when you miss someone unbelievably but they just won't talk to you for reasons you don't understand.
Three years ago, I went off to college and fell in love for the first time in my life...but it was, unexpectedly, with another girl. It made me uncomfortable because I didn't know how my family would react, how my friends would react and I lived to please. Most importantly, I didn't know how to deal with caring for someone so deeply, because since I was a little girl I was conditioned to believe my feelings didn't matter or count and were silly and, unless I was perfect, no one could love/like me. I grew into a very pretty girl, always inwardly emotional & full of dreams, but outwardly cold/serious; not to mention, very lonely and insecure. I also suffered from physically paralyzing panic attacks and was constantly fearing the next one.
The girl I liked ended up being intimidated by me and the way I presented myself. I tried so hard to break through my facade but I was so scared. :( What if I told her about my anxiety issues? Or that I'd never been in a relationship? What if she found out who I was, a shy scared imperfect girl and reject me? I couldn't deal with that potential pain, so I rejected her advances.
I acted like such a b*tch to her. But, later on, I went to therapy, which opened the door to self-awareness. I'm still on my road of self-discovery, however, I have never forgotten about her. We live in different states now and I tried to add her on Facebook and she denied it. Even wrote her a message and no response. I should just forget her, even though it's like the worst pain that I've ever been through. The pain is just unbearable sometimes.
Please help me. I know I need to forgive myself, it's just a process. :(