MENTAL NUTTER

by PAUL
(ENGLAND)

I am so angry. I've had medication, I've seen shrink after shrink from the nhs even paid privately, none of it works.

i get angry every day over nothing if i cant get a trainer on or if i get something stuck or if someone annoys me which is every day. Its when i go off like a bomb which only happens every so often its like ive bottled up so much and shook the bottle and then taken the top off then i unleash hell.

I have a new family i have my partner and my daughter who is 17 months old and my partners daughter who is 10 i threatend them both the other day all this in front of them all i said i was going to kill the told my cartner i was going to cut her throat slammed doors threw things i was in a blind rage i have hit people i have threatend i have cut myself hit myself i am a nutter and i know i am capable of alot more than just hitting someone.

I cant look back at my past and tell you times when i got angry and i cant ask why because i dont know. When i lose it i dont remember and i cannot remember anything. Yeah i was bullied all through my school life and beat by my dad watched him hit my mom get drunk smash up the house hit me i can remeber all those things but i dont think for once i get angry because of all that because honestly i dont give a shit about any of that.

all i know is i cant stand anyone trying to get one over on me trying to manipulate me anyone makes me feel small will suffer. I like it when people fear me i like it when they back down and if they dont im like a tornado nothing can stand in my way. But after all this anger and hatred i will cry i will look back and regret things i remember my family dont deserve this ive been like it all my life but cannot remeber when it all started feels like i was born with it i am a walking time bomb its only a matter of time before i kill someone or i get killed for upsetting the wrong one i cannot remember the last time i was happy well i suppose its when my daughter was born but if i was normal i could remeber other things.

I hate my job i hate my self i hate my life and i hate im destroying everyones around me i am mr angry and you know what not even god could cure me because lets face it if he did exist he couldnt. But there is one thing i can say and its the biggest fear i have and it lives with me day in day out haunts me when i drift off to sleep nearly everytime and its death i dont want to die

Comments for MENTAL NUTTER

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Aug 12, 2009
Please don't give up
by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

Well, first of all, I'm so sorry you went through what you did as a child and it sounds like "the system" that should have protected you and helped you with this, has failed you so far. The fact that you want to change, that you care about your partner and your two children, speaks so highly of you though. Don't give up. Keep looking for the right psychologist or psychiatrist until you find the one that's specialized in helping people in your situation. They're out there. You just need to find them. You deserve to find help and I know you will. Your family loves you and needs you to get through this as well.

As you've discovered, all the strategies you learned as a child just in order to survive, no longer work for you. Being in such a difficult situation, would have made you feel completely powerless. You couldn't stop your dad, you couldn't protect yourself or your mother, and you might have even felt like you caused the behavior sometimes. But, it wasn't your fault and you did the best you could under terribly stressful situations. The problem is that to endure that, you internalized your anger. Your anger might have been at yourself for not being able to protect you and your mom, anger at your dad for what he was doing, anger at your mom for not protecting you, and anger at the world for not helping you. It was a way for you to survive. But, you now need to learn new strategies that will work much better for you in the environment you?re in now. Those old survival skills you learned as a child don't work anymore and are actually making things much worse for you.

You need to work through that anger and start to let it go. It doesn't help you anymore. As a child, it kept you alive, but now it just hurts you. The first thing a therapist might have you go through is to work through forgiveness. Forgive yourself first of all. You did the best you could. You didn't do anything wrong. Also, forgive all the people who "failed" you. Your mom, the system, your father. Forgive them all just so that you can detach from those intense emotions. Forgiving them doesn't condone what happened or make it alright. What it does do, is free you. Otherwise, you'll forever remain a victim. You give all your power away to those people. It might sound crazy to consider forgiving people who did such terrible things but the forgiveness is for you, for you to be able to free yourself from them.

That feeling of powerlessness as a child is probably why it feels good when you do see fear in others. It's a way to finally feel "powerful" which is what you lost as a child. So, you need to take back your power. Realize that you are far more powerful than you'd ever imagined. Not powerful to hurt others but powerful to be yourself.

Aug 12, 2009
Don't give up - Part 2
by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

(Continued from previous posting)

The anger is a symptom that something is wrong. Once you work through those emotions and start to free yourself from them, you'll become aware of the incredible power you already have but just don't realize yet. The power to make a difference in your daughters' lives, the power to be a wonderful, loving, caring husband, and the power to be the person you were truly meant to be.

You can overcome this. You need to overcome this. You don't want to be the father and husband that your dad was. Your children and wife are depending on you. You deserve so much more as well. It's just a matter of learning new strategies though. Learning new thought processes. So, for example, when you get frustrated with something, you don't just react with anger, you actually think things through. You realize the anger is from frustration, so then you ask yourself "What do I really want right now?" So, say for example, you want your daughter to go to bed. By taking a step back from the anger, you can ask yourself, "What's the best way to do that?" You think it through and come up with the best solutions instead of just going with your anger. You need to take it one step further than just going with the anger. You need to use the anger as a tool you use. Right now, you're letting the anger control you. Needs to be the other way around.

You can totally do it. Please, please, don't give up. Keep looking for that therapist that will work through this with you one on one to help you learn the new strategies. Life will just completely change for you. You'll experience that happiness that feels so alien to you right now. It might be hard right now to even imagine how different your life could be and how much better you'll feel about yourself, but trust me, you?ll never regret moving past this. Use your anger as the tool to motivate you to make the necessary changes. You're worth it. You need to do this, for yourself and for your family. You have so much to offer the world and right now the anger is preventing that. Please don't give up. Find the help you need. Things will change quickly for you once you find the right person to work with you and help you to learn some new strategies.

Nov 18, 2009
change beliefs and values
by: hank baker

Hi Paul there are a number of ways to make the changes your looking for. Your experiences from your youth are like and similar to mine. It can all be changed and you can have the type of life you want.
So the question is HOW? I?m a Master Practitioner of NLP Nero Linguistic Programming, I have clients who dealt with what you are experiencing and had the changes they wanted on regular bases.
The changes are all possible and they do not take years of time to change. I could tell all kinds of stories and that would hardly make the changes you could use.
So to make it simple and short find a master practitioner of NLP. Ask him/her for references of work that is like and similar to what you have experienced. If they do not give you the straight goods seek out another one.
On your own you can use EFT Emotional Freedom Techniques. WWW.emofree.com you can down load a number of free items. Including the tapping process. Also you can read about all kinds of people who have been caught up in what you have described.
Also you can search the net for ho'oponopono the method he uses is simple And very effective. You can also look up Dr. Hew Len there are a number of articles you can read and watch on you tube.
Then there is the Sedona Method http://www.sedona.com/html/PlayVideo.aspx this will take you to a site with the introductory to the method. I suggest that you watch the entire blurb. It works very well I have all my clients use it or some of the others.
So these are a few things you can use to achieve the kind of life you would like to have.
hank

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