Family Negativity

by Sandy
(New York State)

I need help. My sister is killing me. I love her to death, but I can't take it anymore.

My sister has had more than her share of bad luck and I mean bad. It started 17 years ago when her 17 year old son was killed in a motorcycle accident. After that came divorce (I think because of different grieving processes), then breast cancer. Understandibly she is a very negative person...But...it has overflowed to me. For years I spent every Wednesday with her just letting her cry over her son, trying to comfort her. That eventually lessesened and pretty soon she was complaining about EVERYTHING. This was wrong, that was wrong and then bang! Divorce. Then after that, breast cancer. I have done everything I can think of to make her feel better. Listened to her, bought her presents, stayed the weekend with her many, many times.

3 years ago I had my own travisty. My 16 year relationship with the love of my life ended with him cheating. But this isn't about that.

My sister called one day to complain as usual and I lost it because I hadn't told anybody about my own breakup. I cried and cried and told her this was about me today. She was pretty good for a while, but it's all back to her world crashing around her. I can't take it anymore.
It's been 17 years since the loss of her son, 10 years since her divorce and 8 years since her cancer recovery.

I'm trying to desperately to move on with my own life. I can't fix hers. She won't even try. I'm afraid I'm going to end up hating her. I even tried telling her she could complain for 10 minutes only then we had to change the subject, but that doesn't work.

How do I move on with MY life without hurting her feelings. Sometimes I wish I lived on the other side of the country. I need help! She's pulling me right down with her. I'm working so hard to rebuild my life and confidence and self-esteem and then she calls and it all comes crashing down. What can I do?

Comments for
Family Negativity

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Mar 02, 2011
 Sandy reply
by: Hemal

Hi Sandy,

I can understand how you must feel. It must be very difficult being surrounded by someone who is so negative. I experience it slightly with my dad as well - it seems to seep into us and affect the way we think. So I can also understand why you would want to get away from her.

The best advice I could try and give is to try and be as present as you can when interacting with her. If you haven't read Echkart Tolle's "The Power of Now", i would recommend this. You need to be very non-reactive to her complaints, just try and listen without mental reaction. By this I mean, you should let her speak but be very aware of your own internal emotions. Be aware of what is going on inside of you. Noticing if you start thinking negatively yourself. You might soon realise that not only will her words be unable to affect you, but she herself becomes a bit more present. People who complain want a reaction out of us, so they can continue their story. You have to be very non-reactive.

One of the things that has really helped me become more positive, and I can't recommend this strongly enough is just taking some time at the end of EVERY day, and writing out everything I love or am grateful for. I try and look for every little thing to be positive about and it just changes the way I think. I become so much happier. I used to be very negative and unhappy, but as soon as I started doing this, I just went in a totally different direction and it was as though only good things came into my life.

You seem to be very understanding with your sister and I think you deserve to pat yourself on the back for the way that you have been there for her. Since you are a visitor of this (wonderful) site, I'm sure you have a good level of self awareness too, so I'm sure you will be able to direct yourself in the right way.

Good luck

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